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<h1>The Chaperone</h1>
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<br>
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Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Sept. 6, 2002.</p>
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<p>Episode no. 87 <br>
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Original air date: 22 Sept 1994.<br>
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Written by Larry David & Bill Masters and Bob Shaw<br>
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Directed by Andy Ackerman.</p>
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<p>Guest stars: <br>
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Ian Abercrombie (Mr. Pitt)<br>
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Gail Strickland (Landis)<br>
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Marguerite MacIntyre (Karen/Miss Rhode Island)<br>
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Danny Tartabull (Himself)<br>
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Buck Showalter (Himself)</p>
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<p><i>Jerry's stand-up</i>: Baseball is so associated with sex. "He's
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playing the field," "Hoo, he scored," "oh, he didn't
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get to first base." "I struck out." "Why?" "She
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wanted a diamond." It's always about baseball. Always baseball. As
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far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires...I feel if you're on the
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field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical
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condition a human being could possibly be in. They should be allowed to
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eat during the game. We're a little too into sports in this country, I
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think we gotta throttle back. Know what I mean? People come home from
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these games, "We won! We won!" No, they won - you watched.</p>
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<p><i>Opening scene - A locker room at Yankee Stadium. George is helping
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Danny Tartabull with his swing.</i></p>
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<p>GEORGE: O.K., Danny, take a swing. <Tartabull swings the bat.>
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N-No! No! No! You're opening up your shoulder.</p>
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<p>TARTABULL: Really?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, not really. I'm just saying this to you because I like to
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hear myself talk. Yes, really!</p>
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<p>TARTABULL (wiping sweat from his brow): Alright, alright.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What are all sweatin' for?</p>
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<p>TARTABULL: It's hot in this uniform.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hot? <Feels Tartabull's material.> What is this?</p>
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<p>TARTBULL: What is what?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: This uniform, what's it made from?</p>
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<p>TARTBULL: I don't know, cotton?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No. This is not cotton. Here, lemme see. <Tries to look at
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the tag on the uniform. Tartabull gets creeped out and resists.> Will
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you stop it? <Looks at the tag.> Oh. Of course. Polyester! </p>
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<p>TARTABULL: So?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I can't believe you're not playing in cotton.</p>
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<p>TARTABULL: Well, this is what they give us.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?</p>
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<p>TARTABULL: You really think cotton's better?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Of course! Alright, maybe I'll say something to Buck.</p>
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<p>TARTABULL: Yeah, good idea. Catch ya later. <Leaves.></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey, don't embarrass me today. I got some friends in the stands.
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<George makes a swinging motion with an imaginary bat and pulls something
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in his back.></p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Elaine watching the ball game in the stands.</i></p>
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<p>HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs here! Yankee franks!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, you want one?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'll get it. <Reaches in her bag for money.></p>
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<p>JERRY: That's alright, I got it.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Jerry!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Elaine, stop it.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I haven't got
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any money. (To vendor) Yo! Dogs! Two!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm sorry.</p>
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<p>ANNOUNCER ON P.A. SYSTEM: Your attention please...the New York Yankees
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would like to welcome Miss Connecticut, Miss Rhode Island and Miss North
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Dakota, all of whom will be competing in the Miss America pageant this
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weekend in Atlantic City. <The three contestants make their way to
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their seats, right across the aisle from Jerry and Elaine.></p>
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<p>JERRY (to Elaine): Now, there's a career path you may have overlooked.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ooh, I gotta check my machine. I'm waiting to hear about an interview.
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Doubleday is looking for somebody to replace Jackie Onassis. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, she worked at Doubleday...?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, she was an editor.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Right, just like you. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah. Can you hold my seat? <Elaine gets up.></p>
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<p>CROWD: Hey! Down in front! <Elaine clambers over Jerry and exits.></p>
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<p>JERRY (offers a hot dog to Miss Rhode Island): Hot dog?</p>
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<p>MISS RHODE ISLAND: No, thanks. I'm watching my weight.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ah. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any
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taller. So you're Miss, uh...</p>
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<p>MISS RHODE ISLAND: Rhode Island. </p>
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<p>JERRY: I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed.
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<Miss Rhode Island laughs.></p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment later that day.</i></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Miss Rhode Island? When are you seeing her?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Tonight. I have to call her, she's staying in a hotel.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're incredible.</p>
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<p>JERRY: And get this - I'm working in Atlantic City this weekend, and
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she's going to be down there for the pageant.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What if she becomes Miss America? You could be dating Miss America,
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Jerry!</p>
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<p>JERRY: The only bad thing is, we have to go out with a chaperone.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Chaperone? What, are you kidding?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, it's part of the contest rules.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What does the chaperone do?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't know, she just sits there.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Can she talk?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk. <Picks up the phone
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and dials.></p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're calling her?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah. (sings) There she is...Miss - yes, room 417 please? Karen
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Hanson?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey, did you know that the Yankees don't wear cotton jerseys?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Of course, they're polyester.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, what is that? That's a crime! Do you know how hot those
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things get? They should be wearing cotton.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Why <i>do</i> they wear polyester?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't know. That's all gonna change.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're going to do something about it?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why shouldn't I?</p>
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<p>JERRY (doubtfully): No reason... </p>
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<p><i>New scene - Elaine at her job interview at Doubleday with Mrs. Landis.</i></p>
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<p>LANDIS: Of course, Jackie O. was a great lady. Those are going to be
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some tough shoes to fill. Everyone loved her. She had such...grace.</p>
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<p>ELAINE (gushing): Yes! Grace!</p>
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<p>LANDIS: Not many people have grace.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have
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a little grace...not as much as Jackie - </p>
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<p>LANDIS: You can't have "a little grace." You either have grace,
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or you...don't.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: O.K., fine, I have...no grace.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: And you can't acquire grace.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, I have no intention of "getting" grace.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.</p>
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<p>ELAINE (fed up): Alright, alright, look - I don't have grace, I don't
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want grace...I don't even say grace, O.K.?</p>
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<p>LANDIS: Thank you for coming in.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, yeah, right.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: We'll make our choice in a few days, and we'll let you know.</p>
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<p>ELAINE (stands up): I have no chance, do I?</p>
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<p>LANDIS: No. <They shake hands.></p>
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<p>LANDIS'S INTERCOM: Justin Pitt to see you.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Justin Pitt?</p>
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<p>LANDIS: He was a very close friend of Mrs. Onassis's.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: "Mrs. Onassis's"? That's hard to pronounce.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: Excuse me?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Nothing. <Mr. Pitt comes in with some papers in hand.></p>
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<p>PITT: Mrs. Landis, there's something wrong with this copying machine,
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it's all coming out slanted. Now, I don't know if this is your department
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or not.</p>
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<p>LANDIS: Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes. <Elaine turns around. With
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sunglasses and a scarf on her head, she bears a close resemblance to Jackie
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O.></p>
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<p>PITT (clearly affected by Elaine's appearance): Charmed.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis...</p>
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<p><i>Cut back to Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone with Miss Rhode
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Island.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Hello, Karen? It's Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, that's very sweet of you.
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You know, you better be careful, you don't want to get too congenial.
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They'll slap that "Miss Congeniality" on you, and you'll congene
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yourself right out of the contest. So, what time do you want to get together
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later? What? So what, we don't need the chaperone. (To George) The chaperone
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can't make it. (To Karen) Oh, you're not gonna get disqualified! So, we're
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not going? <Kramer enters.> Hold on one second. (To Kramer) Hey,
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what are you doing tonight?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Nothin.'</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants, you wanna
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go?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What state?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Rhode Island.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: They're never in contention.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: How do you know?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was six.
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</p>
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<p>JERRY: Look, do you want to go or not? I'll buy you dinner.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Giddy-up!</p>
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<p>JERRY (to Karen): I think I got someone!</p>
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<p><i>New scene - Elaine and Mr. Pitt having lunch at the coffee shop.</i></p>
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<p>PITT (looking at Elaine and smiling): The resemblance is uncanny. <Elaine,
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sipping soda through a straw, looks up with a sour expression on her face.>
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Even the brown eyes.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.</p>
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<p>PITT: No, there's something else. An indefinable quality.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Grace?</p>
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<p>PITT: Grace, yes. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: You think <i>I</i> have grace?</p>
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<p>PITT: Some grace, yes. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Just some?</p>
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<p>PITT: Well, you don't want too much grace or you won't be able to stand.</p>
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<p>ELAINE (laughing): Oh, Mr. Pitt.</p>
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<p>PITT: Elaine, I want you to come and work for me as my personal assistant.
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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Now, I'll pay you the same as Pendant, but I would need you to start right
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away.</p>
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<p><i>New scene - George approaches Buck Showalter at Yankee Stadium.</i></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?</p>
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<p>SHOWALTER: Sure, George.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: How's everything going? Everything O.K.?</p>
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<p>SHOWALTER: Well, all of a sudden there's a problem with Tartabull's swing...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Listen, Buck, I uh...obviously I don't need to talk to you about
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the importance of player morale, but uh...I've been talking to some of
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the guys, and some of them - I don't want to mention any names - but some
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of them...they're not too happy with the polyester uniforms.</p>
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<p>SHOWALTER: How so?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it's not
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a natural fibre. I think they would prefer cotton.</p>
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<p>SHOWALTER: Cotton, huh?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah. Cotton breathes, you see, it's much softer. Imagine playing
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games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don't
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you think that would be an advantage? They're cooler, they're more comfortable...they're
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happier - they're gonna play better.</p>
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<p>SHOWALTER: You may have something there, George.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh - I've got something.</p>
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<p>SHOWALTER (considering): Hmm. Cotton uniforms.</p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Congratulations!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah! And the best part is, I still get to look for work in publishing.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Now, what is it that you do, exactly?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I attend to his personal affairs. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Like what?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, like tomorrow for example, I have to uh...I have to buy
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him some socks.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Really! Socks!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah. White ones. Like the ones you wear with sneakers.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, maybe you can pick me up some underwear! <Kramer enters.></p>
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<p>KRAMER (shows Jerry his outfit): So, what do you think? Does this work?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got
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something else to do and just "recede into the night," if you
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know what I mean.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No way!</p>
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<p>JERRY: What?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing
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while you defile this woman, you're crazy.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm not going to "defile" her!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look,
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Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's
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dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery
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of everything the pageant stands for. </p>
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<p>JERRY: But - </p>
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<p>KRAMER (holds up his hand): AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.</p>
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<p>JERRY: But wait a minute...</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Now, if you want to go out and have some good, wholesome fun
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with a nice girl, I'd be glad to help you out...if you're looking for
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something more than that, you've got the wrong guy, buddy! <Jerry tries
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to get a word in during this entire speech, but Kramer won't budge an
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inch.></p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Kramer at the restaurant with Miss Rhode Island.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: If you were Miss America, what would you do to make the world
|
|
a better place?</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: As Miss America, I would try and bring an end to world hunger.
|
|
If every person sacrificed one meal a week, there would be enough to feed
|
|
the whole world!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That's a hell of a plan. (To Kramer) Listen - </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (to Karen): What advice would you give young people?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: This is important stuff! She's got to be able to answer these
|
|
questions. She's not going to have time to think, out there, with millions
|
|
of people watching her. Any hesitation could cost her the crown. You know,
|
|
poise counts.</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: You really know a lot about this, don't you?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah, like last year? Miss Texas? Now, she should have won
|
|
easily, but she lost points in the swimsuit competition.</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: Well, what could she have done?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Tape her breasts together. <Jerry is shocked.></p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: What else?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, take you for example. Now, you're very attractive, but
|
|
you got a big waist.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, come on!</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: No, no...it's O.K. (To Kramer) Go on.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I'd recommend a waist cincher. </p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: Really.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Just - <i>thip!</i> - suck you in.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'll be right back. <Leaves the table.></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: So, what's your talent?</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: Magic.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Mmm. I'm thinking of a number from one to ten.</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: Six.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, five. But you were close. </p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut to Jerry on his way past the restaurant bar. He notices the ballgame
|
|
on TV.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER #1: And the Yankees take the field!</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER #2: Is it my imagination, or do the Yankees look a little different
|
|
tonight? I can't put my finger on it...</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER #1: Well, from what I understand, they've switched to cotton
|
|
uniforms.</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER #2: They seem blousier, softer...</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER #1: Well, it is a natural fibre...</p>
|
|
<p><Jerry shakes his head and continues on his way.></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry, Karen and Kramer heading home in the limo. Kramer
|
|
is still going on about the pageant.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: How's your evening?</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: Well, I'm wearing this red dress - </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Stop right there.</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: No good?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Disaster. </p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, you got brown eyes. You want to wear a green dress.</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: That makes sense. <The limo stops at Karen's hotel.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, here we are...</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: Kramer, would you consider being my personal consultant for the
|
|
pageant?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Okay. But if I'm going to do this, we play by my rules or we
|
|
don't play at all.</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: I am in your hands. <They shake hands.> Well! Oh, good night,
|
|
Jerry. <They're about to kiss, but Kramer stops them by clearing his
|
|
throat.> Kenneth will take you home. <She gets out, leaving Jerry
|
|
staring at Kramer with an angry expression on his face.></p>
|
|
<p><Scene ends with an exterior shot of the limo going down the street.
|
|
We hear Kramer singing the Miss America theme song, and Jerry telling
|
|
him to "shut the f*ck up."></p>
|
|
<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry's apartment the next day. Jerry's packing to go
|
|
to Atlantic City. Kramer enters.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, come on.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: And that waist cincher, that was the topper!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, you're poo-pooing!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes, I poo-poo.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, let me tell you something. I'm taking this kid to the top.
|
|
To the top, Jerry! We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't want to stop her!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You <i>can't</i> stop her, Jerry! Oh, I've seen 'em come and
|
|
go, but this kid has got something! <Turns to leave.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, so do you. <George enters with a newspaper.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, did you see it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: See what?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The uniforms! Did you see how they played? Listen to these comments!
|
|
(reads from the paper) "Wade Boggs: 'What a fabric! Finally we can
|
|
breathe.' Luis Palonia: 'Cotton is king.' Paul O'Neill: 'I never dreamed
|
|
anything could be so soft and fluffy.' "</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, they really do sound comfortable.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (noticing Jerry's suitcase): Hey, where ya goin'?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm working in Atlantic City.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Really!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Hey, you're not working this weekend, why don't you come
|
|
down?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Atlantic City? (thinks) Yes! Yes! I will go to Atlantic City.
|
|
I'm in. I'm down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know what, maybe Elaine wants to go too, lemme call her. <Picks
|
|
up the phone.> She's at Mr. Pitt's, I think I got the number...</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Elaine at Mr. Pitt's. He's trying on the socks she's brought
|
|
him.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, what do you think?</p>
|
|
<p>PITT (pulling up the socks): No.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You don't like them?</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: No, I don't like them. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What's wrong?</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: They're too tight.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Too tight?</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: There's no elastic, you need to pull too much <pulls them up
|
|
more>.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (examining the socks): I think they look good!</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: They're cutting off the circulation. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alright, well, I'll just take them back. <The phone rings.></p>
|
|
<p>PITT: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hi, Mr. Pitt! Is Elaine there?</p>
|
|
<p>PITT (hands the phone to Elaine): It's for you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Sorry. Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey Elaine, it's me.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: We're going to Atlantic City.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Really? When?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Today, right now! Are you in?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: One second, hang on. (To Mr. Pitt) Excuse me, Mr. Pitt? Would
|
|
it be alright if I got you the socks tomorrow?</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: Tomorrow?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: But I was hoping for my new socks today!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, it's just one more day. </p>
|
|
<p>PITT: I'm sorry. I must have them today.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (to Jerry): I can't go.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Because I have to return the socks and get different ones.</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: Elaine!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I gotta go. <Hangs up.></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kramer and Karen at the hotel in Atlantic City. Karen
|
|
is rehearsing her stage-walking with Kramer. She does it once, but Kramer
|
|
isn't satisfied.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No. Alright, watch me now. <Karen sits on the bed. Kramer
|
|
walks across the room like a Miss America contestant with a big smile
|
|
on his face.> Turn, back, head up, shoulders back...posture. You see?
|
|
Posture.</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: Yes, I see. O.K.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Let's try a few more questions, alright? <Karen stands up.>
|
|
If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war,
|
|
and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep
|
|
with the enemy's leader, what would you do?</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: Kramer, are these questions really that important...?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes, they're important! If you stumble, if you hesitate, you
|
|
can kiss the crown goodbye. Now if I've told you once, I've told you a
|
|
thousand times - poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit!
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Evening wear! Talent! POISE!</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry in he and George's hotel room on the floor above
|
|
Karen's. George enters.</i></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How was the show?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Good. How was the roulette?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I won fifty bucks! Boy, this is great. Too bad Elaine's not here.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, all she had to do was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks!</p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut back to Elaine at Mr. Pitt's. There are pairs of socks everywhere.
|
|
Pitt has on the latest pair.</i></p>
|
|
<p>PITT: It's good, but...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: But what??</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: Ultimately I don't think they'll stay up. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (pulling up Pitt's socks): No, no! They'll stay up!</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: For a while, yes, but not in the long run.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: But that's why I got you the tighter ones! <Holds them up.></p>
|
|
<p>PITT: Oh, forget about those! <Takes the socks from Elaine and throws
|
|
them on the floor.> Why do you keep mentioning those?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What do you want!?</p>
|
|
<p>PITT: I want a decent sock that's comfortable, that will stay on my foot!!</p>
|
|
<p><Elaine curls up into a fetal position.></p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut back to Atlantic City, the middle of the night. Jerry and George
|
|
are trying to sleep, but a flock of birds outside is keeping them awake.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What the hell is that?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't know, it sounds like pigeons or something!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (getting out of bed): Well, I can't sleep with that noise. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Me either. Is there anything you can do to shut them up?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Wait a second. <Grabs the icebucket off the counter.> This'll
|
|
scare 'em off. <Dumps the bucket of water over the balcony. We hear
|
|
a loud squawking noise and the flapping of wings, then the noise is gone.
|
|
Jerry gets back into bed.> Well, good night, Ollie.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Good night, Stan.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Karen's hotel room the next morning. Upset, she lets Kramer
|
|
in.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: My doves! They're dead! I trained those birds for eight years!
|
|
How am I supposed to do my magic act now?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: How did this happen?</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: They like it outside, so I kept them in a cage on the terrace...then
|
|
I found them dead in a pool of water!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (goes out on the terrace to look, and slips in the water): Well,
|
|
how did this happen?</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: It must have been an accident.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Accident? This was no accident. These doves were murdered.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry watching TV in his room. There's a knock at the
|
|
door; Jerry lets Kramer in.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, that's it! She's out of the pageant!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What? Why? What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Her birds are dead.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Birds?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, birds. She's got these trained doves, she does this magic
|
|
act, that was her talent for the pageant. You know what I think, Jerry?
|
|
I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody wanted her out of that
|
|
contest bad. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who
|
|
just couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them! <Kramer
|
|
turns around and notices the empty icebucket on the edge of Jerry's balcony.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What are you looking at? <Kramer goes out onto the terrace
|
|
and looks down.> Oh, that! We had to leave that outside, last night,
|
|
because the water was making the room too cold.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (comes back inside with his finger pointed at Jerry): You killed
|
|
them, didn't you? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, you don't understand - it's not what you think! It was an
|
|
accident!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, don't think you've won, because you haven't! This kid is
|
|
a fighter! And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in
|
|
our way, you're crazy!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, you gotta explain to her what happened...! <Kramer
|
|
exits.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (comes out of the bathroom brushing his teeth): What was that
|
|
all about?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, it was just Kramer...apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's
|
|
doves with a bucket of water last night.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh. <Goes back into the bathroom.></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - the night of the Miss America pageant. Kramer and Karen
|
|
are backstage. Regis Philbin is about to introduce Miss Rhode Island in
|
|
the talent competition.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: O.K., this is it!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: How ya feelin'?</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: I'm a little nervous!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: There's nothing to be nervous about.</p>
|
|
<p>KAREN: But I've never sung before in my life!</p>
|
|
<p>PHILBIN: And now, let's welcome Karen Ann Hanson, Miss Rhode Island!</p>
|
|
<p><Karen walks out on stage and starts singing, badly. Cut to Jerry
|
|
and George watching the pageant on TV at the hotel.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I heard those doves were really incredible. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That's a shame. <Karen is shown singing off-key on the television.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's like watching an animal get tortured.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, hey! Yankee game! <Changes the channel.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, great! Alright. <We hear the announcers calling the game.></p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER #1: And the Yankees take the field!</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER #2: What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having
|
|
trouble running, they can't move!</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER #1: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk!
|
|
They're running like penguins! Forget this game!</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER #2: Oh my God, Mattingly just split his pants!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That's a shame.</p>
|
|
<p><Cut back to Karen on-stage at the pageant, still singing horribly.
|
|
Kramer is shown in the wings, still trying to coach her.></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Poise. Poise!</p>
|
|
<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>Jerry's stand-up, part 2:</i> The Miss America pageant seems like
|
|
a really tough contest. You know, you gotta come out there in the bathing
|
|
suit, in the dress shoes...they got that "sanitized for your protection"
|
|
toilet seat-thing hangin' off them, you know...plus, they gotta wear all
|
|
the other outfits. I don't know why, the bathing suit <i>is</i> the contest.
|
|
You win the bathing suit, you win. What is the formal wear? Everybody
|
|
looks good in formal wear; it's dark, it covers everything - that's why
|
|
we have weddings in it. I mean, if we had weddings in bathing suits, a
|
|
lot of ceremonies wouldn't be able to get past "If anyone sees any
|
|
reason why these two people should not be joined together..." About
|
|
eighty hands go up...</p>
|
|
<p><i>End of episode.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Sept. 6, 2002.</i></p>
|
|
|
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|