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<h1>The Checks</h1>
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<p align="center">Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
</p>
<p> 8.07 &quot;The Checks&quot;<br>
<br>
Episode Number: 141<br>
Original Air Date: November 07, 1996<br>
<br>
Written by: Steve O'Donnell, Tom Gammill &amp; Max Pross<br>
Directed by: Andy Ackerman<br>
<br>
Guest Cast:<br>
James Patrick Stuart (Brett)<br>
Gedde Watanabe (Mr. Oh)<br>
Sab Shimono (Executive #1)<br>
John Bowman (Teddy)<br>
Jock Plotnick (Crew Leader)<br>
George Wallace (Doctor)<br>
Toshi Toda (Mr. Tanaka)<br>
Goh Misawa (Mr. Yamaguchi)<br>
Tony V. (Clicky)<br>
Akane Nelson (Executive #2)<br>
Cherie Hankal (Nurse)<br>
Dave Pierce (Carl
Farbman)<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
Jerry and Elaine come out of a drugstore. Elaine has a couple of carrier
bags<br>
she's fussing with the contents of.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs?<br>
Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get<br>
sick?<br>
<br>
Jerry and Elaine begin to walk along the street.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: What is this, a 'bit'?<br>
<br>
JERRY: No.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: 'Cos I'm not in the mood.<br>
<br>
JERRY: We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever?
If<br>
you feel good, you're supposed to take one!<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.<br>
<br>
JERRY: They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement?<br>
<br>
JERRY: (hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: It was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front,
and<br>
hit the word 'good' harder.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (thinking) Great. Thanks.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Some Fancy Place]<br>
<br>
The room is stylishly furnished. A number of people sit around, chatting
and<br>
drinking. Elaine and her new boyfriend, Brett, walk across the room, carrying<br>
drinks.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: So, your firm designed all the furniture in here?<br>
<br>
BRETT: We manufacture it. The original designs are by Karl Farbman.<br>
<br>
Elaine and Brett sit on a couch<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (as if she knows) Oh, Farbman.<br>
<br>
BRETT: You know Farbman?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Mm, love Farbman. &nbsp; <br>
<br>
BRETT: Most people go their whole lives without sitting in a Farbman.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Wuh, if you call that living. (laughs) Ahaha.<br>
<br>
Music begins to play. It's The Eagles' Desperado. Brett hears the music
and<br>
is enraptured. He stares off into the distance, oblivious to everything
but<br>
the song.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Wouldn't it be great if Farbman designed shoes?<br>
<br>
Brett hasn't heard a word of what Elaine said, continuing to stare off
into<br>
the distance.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Brett? Don't you think that would be great?<br>
<br>
Brett still doesn't react.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Brett?<br>
<br>
BRETT: (still staring off) After the song, babe.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Huh?<br>
<br>
BRETT: The song.<br>
<br>
Elaine stares at Brett and puts a hand to her chest, moved by his<br>
sensitivity.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
Jerry and Elaine come round the corner, past the Chinese restaurant and
walk<br>
along the street.<br>
<br>
JERRY: So when do I meet this jerk?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Who?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous,<br>
and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.<br>
<br>
JERRY: What song?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Desperado.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Desperado?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Uh huh.<br>
<br>
JERRY: And you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado.<br>
<br>
Ahead of the strolling twosome, a guy stands on the sidewalk, twirling
a<br>
brightly-coloured umbrella over his shoulder.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (pointing toward the guy) See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Uh huh.<br>
<br>
JERRY: I invented that.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: That, had to be invented?<br>
<br>
JERRY: When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea
to<br>
twirl it, to attract customers.<br>
<br>
Elaine folds her arms, unconvinced.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it?<br>
<br>
Elaine marches toward the umbrella guy.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Elaine.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that
he<br>
invented that little twirl you're doing.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a
history<br>
lesson.<br>
<br>
CLICKY: Teddy Padillac came up with this twirl.<br>
<br>
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ELAINE: (looking at Jerry) Ohh.<br>
<br>
JERRY: I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.<br>
<br>
CLICKY: Yeah, that's where he come up with it.<br>
<br>
JERRY: In his dreams.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Alright, can we (glances at her watch) go?<br>
<br>
Elaine walks off, crossing the street. Jerry follows.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient
the<br>
customers.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Jerry is demonstrating twirling an umbrella to George, who sits in a chair<br>
with a magazine.<br>
<br>
JERRY: It's the twirling that dazzles the eye.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway?<br>
Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people.<br>
<br>
Jerry tosses his umbrella onto the couch, and walks toward the kitchen.
The<br>
door opens and Kramer enters, carrying a large envelope.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you.<br>
Ker-ching.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster<br>
than I can sign 'em.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: What checks?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan.<br>
<br>
JERRY: I don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening<br>
credits of some Japanese comedy show.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run
it<br>
all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Look at all of those! You're rich!<br>
<br>
JERRY: Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain
in<br>
my hand to sign 'em.<br>
<br>
Kramer sits on the couch and flinches as he sits on the umbrella. He reaches<br>
under himself and extracts it, then jumps again as he accidentally opens
it.<br>
He gets back up, and heads to the kitchen.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Why?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (getting a bottle of water out of the fridge) Yeah, well, Elaine's<br>
new boyfriend, you know. He's giving me this oversize chest of drawers.
It's<br>
a Farbman.<br>
<br>
George wanders over.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Ah, who are any of her losers?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (dryly) You're on that list.<br>
<br>
George goes and gets his coat.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Alright, I gotta go home and open up with the house for the carpet<br>
cleaners. You know they're doing my whole place for twenty-five dollars.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Oh, no, no, no. Not the Sunshine Carpet Cleaners?<br>
<br>
EGO: Yeah, you heard of 'em?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: They're a crazy religious cult. The carpet cleaning is just a
means<br>
for them to get into your apartment.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless<br>
blather.<br>
<br>
JERRY: I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
Kramer and Jerry stroll along. Jerry is massaging his left hand, as if
it's<br>
giving him discomfort.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Signed over a hundred checks this morning.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Hello, twelve dollars.<br>
<br>
Jerry and Kramer draw level with three Japanese tourists. One of them
steps<br>
forward, holding out a camera.<br>
<br>
MR OH: Excuse me. Would you take picture please?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.<br>
<br>
Jerry has spotted something further along the street. It's another umbrella<br>
salesman, twirling his wares.<br>
<br>
JERRY: I'm gonna ask this guy something.<br>
<br>
Jerry walks along to the guy. Kramer fusses about, taking a picture of
the<br>
three Japanese guys, at one point he steps back to frame them all, and<br>
stumbles off the curb.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (to umbrella guy) Hey. Nice twirl you got there. You know who invented<br>
that, don't you?<br>
<br>
Back down the street, Kramer has finished photographing. He looks over
toward<br>
Jerry, and thinks for a second.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (to tourists) Hey, are you folks from Japan.<br>
<br>
MR YAMAGUCHI: Hai.<br>
<br>
MR OH: Yes.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (points over to Jerry) You recognise that mug?<br>
<br>
Jerry has taken one of the umbrellas, and is demonstrating the twirl to
the<br>
guy. He's speaking animatedly, with lots of hand gestures and arm waving.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: That's the funny face that greets you at the beginning of the
Super<br>
Terrific Happy Hour.<br>
<br>
MR OH: Ahh, Super Terrific Happy...<br>
<br>
The three guys all speak to each other in excited Japanese.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's him.<br>
<br>
Kramer and the three guys look along to where Jerry is still talking<br>
vigorously to the umbrella guy.<br>
<br>
MR OH: What is he doing?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Well, I don't know. But something super terrific, I'm sure.<br>
<br>
MR OH: He's funny.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Oh yeah, very funny. And it wouldn't be impolite to laugh at his<br>
antics.<br>
<br>
Jerry is tossing the umbrella from hand to hand, with the unimpressed
guy<br>
watching him. Kramer laughs, and the Japanese all join in.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Because everybody laughs at Jerry here
in<br>
America.<br>
<br>
Kramer and the Japanese all laugh uproariously, watching Jerry.<br>
<br>
<br>
[George's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Three guys in bright yellow overalls stand in George's living room. Two
of<br>
them have a large carpet cleaner by the door, ready to leave, The third,
the<br>
leader, has a notebook.<br>
<br>
CREW LEADER: (calling to George) We're pretty much finished.<br>
<br>
George enters from another room.<br>
<br>
CREW LEADER: There's just one more thing.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (smiling expectantly) Here it comes.<br>
<br>
The leader opens his book and holds up a check.<br>
<br>
CREW LEADER: (clears throat) You forgot to sign your check.<br>
<br>
The leader hands George a pen, and waits as George appends his signature.<br>
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<br>
GEORGE: (signs) Sorry. (expectant) You're sure, uh, there isn't anything<br>
else?<br>
<br>
CREW LEADER: (flat) No.<br>
<br>
The carpet cleaners begin to leave. George follows the leader toward the<br>
door, looking disappointed.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (let down) So, that's it?<br>
<br>
CREW LEADER: Unless you need a receipt.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (melancholy) I wish that was all needed. Life can be so confusing.<br>
I..I'm searching for answers, anywhere.<br>
<br>
CREW LEADER: (flat) Good luck with that.<br>
<br>
The leader closes the door on a perplexed George.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Jerry sits at his table. He's signing checks, and holding his pen awkwardly<br>
in his hand which is twisted uncomfortably. Elaine enters and notices
his<br>
hand.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: What's with the claw?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.<br>
<br>
Elaine wanders toward the kitchen. The door opens and Brett enters.<br>
<br>
BRETT: (to Elaine) There's no sign of Kramer.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hi.<br>
<br>
Jerry holds up his twisted hand in greeting. Brett copies the position
of the<br>
fingers in his wave back.<br>
<br>
BRETT: That's very funny. Elaine told me you were some kinda comedian.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Ah, I'm one kind.<br>
<br>
Elaine gets a bottle of water form the fridge.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Have you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer?<br>
<br>
JERRY: The Fleckman.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Farbman.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Right.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: You gotta see 'em. Beautiful.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are.<br>
<br>
BRETT: I'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at.<br>
<br>
JERRY: No. I'm fine, thank you.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Don't worry. It's no charge to you.<br>
<br>
Brett walks over past Jerry and points to Jerry's desk.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your<br>
skits.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.<br>
<br>
BRETT: (walking back to Elaine) Well, of course you don't. You don't have
a<br>
proper workstation. I'll fax you over my catalogue.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Mmm. Brett, uhm, Jerry doesn't have a fax machine.<br>
<br>
BRETT: (quiet) Oops.<br>
<br>
Brett looks round at Jerry, seeming embarrassed.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Well, I'm sure things'll pick up for you soon. Elaine, maybe we
should<br>
get going.<br>
<br>
Brett opens the door.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Oh, where you going? The coffee shop?<br>
<br>
BRETT: (scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that.
You<br>
look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.<br>
<br>
JERRY: You look like you could use a...<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (warning) Jerry.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Saks]<br>
<br>
Kramer and the Japanese tourists are looking at stuff. Kramer picks up
a<br>
Stetson and reads the price tag.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (reads) Three hundred dollars. Hey, Mr Oh, how much would these
run<br>
you in Tokyo?<br>
<br>
Kramer holds the hat over, so Mr Oh can get a look.<br>
<br>
MR OH: (thinks for a second) Ahh, about, uh, thirty thousand yen.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (shocked) Thirty thousand?! These are practically free.<br>
<br>
Kramer places the hat on an unsure Mr Oh's head.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Giddyup. You're a cowboy now.<br>
<br>
Kramer hands Stetsons to each of the other Japanese.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Brett's Car]<br>
<br>
Brett and Elaine sit in his parked two seat Ferrari.<br>
<br>
BRETT: I feel terrible about your friend Jerry. He's upset that I gave
Kramer<br>
that chest of drawers, isn't he?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Why? Why d'you think he's upset?<br>
<br>
BRETT: How could he not be? Living in that cramped little apartment. And<br>
outdated furniture, so terribly... un-Karl Farbman-like.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (romantic) We're not gonna talk about Karl Farbman all night,
are we?<br>
<br>
BRETT: (smiling) I hope not.<br>
<br>
Brett leans across to kiss Elaine. Just as they begin to kiss, the Eagles'<br>
Desperado comes on the radio. Brett immediately breaks off the kiss, and<br>
stares off into the distance again.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (surprised) Brett? Everything alright?<br>
<br>
Brett makes no response.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (worried) Brett! What is it? Is there someone outside?<br>
<br>
BRETT: Elaine, the song.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (relieved) Oh. Oh, oh, phew. You know, for a minute there I thought<br>
it was like that urban legend about the guy with the hook who's hanging
on<br>
the fender...<br>
<br>
BRETT: Elaine, could you just not talk for one minute?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.<br>
<br>
Elaine stares queryingly at the rapt Brett.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Monk's]<br>
<br>
Jerry and George sit in a booth, sipping coffee.<br>
<br>
JERRY: No spiel?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left.
Call<br>
themselves a cult!<br>
<br>
JERRY: So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt
to<br>
abduct you?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: They could've at least tried!<br>
<br>
JERRY: You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Please.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Too dumb?<br>
<br>
George gives Jerry a look. Kramer enters, wearing a snazzy new suit. He<br>
strolls over to the booth.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (impressed) Well! Mack is back in town! Nice duds.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits
beside<br>
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at
the<br>
Rainbow Room.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Well, Jerry, they're Japanese. I mean, that TV you watch, that
sushi<br>
you eat, I mean, even that kimono you wear. Where to you think all that
money<br>
goes, hmm?<br>
<br>
Jerry looks puzzled.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: That's right.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: How'd you hook up with these guys?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Well, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour.
See<br>
now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you.<br>
<br>
JERRY: What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (to George) Alright, what'd you do with that pilot you did.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (excited) Yeah, the pilot!<br>
<br>
KRAMER: That's right, I think that had marvellous production values.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese
TV.<br>
They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in
New<br>
York!<br>
<br>
JERRY: Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (animated) It failed here! Because, here, every time you turn
on a<br>
TV, all you see is four morons sitting round an apartment, whining about<br>
their dates!<br>
<br>
Jerry looks doubtful.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: George is right, Jerry. See, here, you're just another apple,
but in<br>
Japan, you're an exotic fruit. Like an orange. Which is rare there.<br>
<br>
Jerry looks at George, wondering.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Japanese TV Office]<br>
<br>
Jerry and George sit on a couch. Two Japanese TV executives, one male,
one<br>
female, sit on chairs. They are all watching the pilot show Jerry made
at the<br>
end of Season 4. The Japanese are not looking impressed. George is smiling<br>
and pointing, enthusiastically. On a coffee table sits a large bowl<br>
containing a plastic bag of oranges.<br>
<br>
TV JERRY: You had a date? You went out with my butler?! Who said you could
go<br>
out with my butler?!<br>
<br>
TV ELAINE: Well, why do I need your permission?<br>
<br>
TV JERRY: Because he's my butler.<br>
<br>
The first executive stops the tape.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (eager) So? What d'you think?<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 1: We're bit confused. Why was this man Jerry's butler?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Ah. You see, the man who was the butler, uh, had gotten into a
car<br>
accident with Jerry, and because he didn't have any insurance, the judge<br>
decreed that the man become Jerry's butler.<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 1: Is this customary in your legal system?<br>
<br>
JERRY: No. That's what makes it such a humorous situation.<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Are you following any of this?<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 2: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: I'm still trying to figure out
why<br>
they gave us a bag of oranges.<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 1: (to Jerry and George) I'm sorry. I'm sure Mr Seinfeld is
very<br>
funny to Americans, but I'm not sure this butler show would work in Japan.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Oh, I, uh, I disagree. You've, uh, you've been living in America
too<br>
long. (indicates the bag of oranges) You've forgotten what it's like to
have<br>
no oranges.<br>
<br>
Jerry nods, sagely, and picks up a cup of coffee. His fingers are still<br>
twisted from the check signing.<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Again with the oranges<br>
<br>
There's a crash as Jerry's grip on the cup fails and he drops it.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (positive) Yes. From endorsing checks for the Super Terrific Happy<br>
Hour. (laughs)<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 1: You must go now.<br>
<br>
Jerry pats George on the knee. George squeezes Jerry's shoulder and they<br>
ruefully begin to depart.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Jerry sits at his table, signing yet more checks, the pen gripped in his<br>
clawed fingers. Elaine stands in her jacket, her bag on the table.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during<br>
Desperado.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado<br>
station?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like,
I'm<br>
sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.<br>
<br>
JERRY: You know, what you need is a song you can share.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Okay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about?<br>
<br>
Elaine tips back her head and thinks for a second, before something occurs.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (points) I like Witchy Woman.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Witchy Woman?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.<br>
<br>
The door opens and Kramer enters, wearing his suit and carrying another
fat<br>
envelope.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (to Jerry) Hey, man.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Hey.<br>
<br>
Kramer puts the envelope down on the table next to Jerry. Elaine walks
to the<br>
kitchen.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey. How was the Rainbow Room?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight<br>
monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Ah.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?<br>
<br>
JERRY: What for?<br>
<br>
Kramer wanders into Jerry's bedroom.<br>
<br>
KRAMER (O.C.): Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with
me.<br>
<br>
JERRY: I thought they all had suites at the Plaza?<br>
<br>
Kramer reenters, carrying three pillows.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like
you<br>
do.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Well, they ran out of it. Manhattan can be quite pricey. Even
with<br>
fifty thousand yen.<br>
<br>
Elaine is in the kitchen, eating cereal from the box.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Fifty thousand yen? Isn't that only a few hundred dollars?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Evidently. (To Elaine) Oh, by the way, tell Brett that his chest
of<br>
drawers are a big hit. My guests are very comfortable in them.<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
ELAINE: In them?!<br>
<br>
JERRY: You have them sleeping in drawers?!<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep
in<br>
tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.<br>
<br>
JERRY: This has 'international incident' written all over it.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (smiling) Oh yeah, yeah.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Kramer's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Up against one wall of the apartment stands a very large chest of three<br>
drawers. It's about six feet long and each drawers is maybe a foot and
a half<br>
deep. Kramer walks over to it and looks into the open top drawer.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Goodnight, Mr Tanaka.<br>
<br>
One of the Japanese tourists sits up in the drawer.<br>
<br>
MR TANAKA: Goodnight.<br>
<br>
Mr Tanaka lies down again, and Kramer slides the drawer shut. He then
speaks<br>
to the occupant of the next drawer.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Goodnight, Mr Oh.<br>
<br>
MR OH: (sits up) Goodnight.<br>
<br>
Mr Oh lies back down and Kramer slides the drawers shut, and speaks to
the<br>
final drawer's occupant.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Goodnight, Mr Yamaguchi.<br>
<br>
MR YAMAGUCHI: (sits up) Oh, yes. Goodnight.<br>
<br>
Mr Yamaguchi lies down. Kramer shuts the final drawer, switches off the
lamp<br>
and, yawning, walks off toward his own bed<br>
<br>
<br>
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Kramer is in the kitchen. He has three bowls out on the counter, and a
box of<br>
Rice Crispies. Jerry walks over, pushing a bunch of checks into an envelope.<br>
<br>
JERRY: What is this?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well,<br>
I'm off to the bank.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (opening the fridge) Sayonara.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (leaving) Konichi-wa.<br>
<br>
Kramer fetches out milk and continues making breakfast.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Brett's Car]<br>
<br>
Elaine and Brett sit in the parked Ferrari. Witchy Woman is playing on
the<br>
stereo. Elaine is listening, with her eyes closed and her head nodding.
Brett<br>
looks puzzled.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Elaine, I...<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Shh-shh! (smiling) What d'you think?<br>
<br>
Elaine continues to listen. Brett leans forward and switches off the music.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: What are you doing? That's Witchy Woman. That could be our song.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Witchy Woman is okay for you, but I've already got a song.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Oh. Oh, then how about Desperado? (smiling) We can share it.<br>
<br>
BRETT: (flat) No. It's mine.<br>
<br>
There is a flash of lightning and thunder rolls. Elaine peers out at the<br>
weather.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Kramer's Apartment]<br>
<br>
The top and bottom drawers are open in the chest. Mr Yamaguchi sits up
in the<br>
bottom drawer, and Mr Tanaka sits on top of the chest, with his feet in
his<br>
drawer. Kramer comes over and hands bowls of Rice Crispies to the pair
of<br>
them.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Here you go. Snap, crackle and pop.<br>
<br>
Kramer leans over and raps on the face of the middle drawer.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (loudly) Good morning, Mr Oh. I gotta make up the drawer.<br>
<br>
MR OH (O.C.): Ach, come back in half hour.<br>
<br>
Kramer looks impatient. He puts the bowl of Rice Crispies on top of the
chest<br>
and walks off mumbling irritably.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
It is pouring with rain. Jerry walks along the street, wearing just a
light<br>
jacket over his clothes. He still has the envelope in his hands. Jerry
spots<br>
the umbrella vendor, twirling his wares.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (calls) Hey, I'll take one.<br>
<br>
CLICKY: Well, look who's back!<br>
<br>
Clicky turns to another umbrella seller,who is facing the other way.<br>
<br>
CLICKY: Teddy! (indicates Jerry) This's the guy says he invented the twirl.<br>
<br>
TEDDY: (unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!<br>
<br>
JERRY: Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas)
What've<br>
you got in a push-button mini.<br>
<br>
TEDDY: (bitter) Same thing we had, when you bailed on us, fifteen years
ago.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we
had<br>
some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?<br>
<br>
TEDDY: (angry) Oh, yeah, sure. But where were you during the poncho craze
of<br>
eighty-four? I almost lost my house.<br>
<br>
A guy comes along the street, wearing one of Elaine's urban sombreros.
Clicky<br>
tries to catch his attention.<br>
<br>
CLICKY: Umbrella, buddy?<br>
<br>
The sombrero wearer waves away the attention and crosses the street.<br>
<br>
CLICKY: Now we got that damn 'urban sombrero' to contend with.<br>
<br>
TEDDY: (to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) I hear you're taking credit
for<br>
the twirl.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?<br>
<br>
TEDDY: (intense) I care. Clicky cares.<br>
<br>
JERRY: So, could I...<br>
<br>
Another peal of thunder rolls as interruption.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Could I just buy an umbrella?<br>
<br>
TEDDY: (sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (shock) What?!<br>
<br>
TEDDY: (caustically) Special price, for a real foul-weather friend.<br>
<br>
The rain continues to pour down unabated.<br>
<br>
<br>
[George's Office, Yankee Stadium]<br>
<br>
George is removing a tape from a VCR. Kramer enters, followed by the three<br>
Japanese tourists. Outside the window, the rain can be seen bucketing
down.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Hey, George. How about that tour, huh? These guys are ready to
run<br>
the bases.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (indicating the window) Kramer, it's, it's raining. They got the
tarp<br>
on the field.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (quietly) Ah, listen, George, what else can I do with these guys?<br>
Now, bear in mind, they're a little light on the yen.<br>
<br>
George thinks for a minute, then looks down at the tape in his hands.<br>
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
GEORGE: Well, I, I got the pilot of the Jerry show.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (snaps his fingers) That's perfect. (to the Japanese) Hey, how
would<br>
you guys like to watch Super Terrific Happy star Jerry Seinfeld?<br>
<br>
The Japanese nod to each other.<br>
<br>
MR OH: But, we are also very hungry.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah. (feeds tape into VCR) Well, you guys just watch
the<br>
tape and, uh, I'll get you some food.<br>
<br>
Kramer and George wave the Japanese toward seats. Kramer leaves the office<br>
and looks down the corridor. He raises his arm to attract attention.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (shouts) Hey, peanuts!<br>
<br>
As the Japanese sit, Mr Wilhelm comes to the door.<br>
<br>
WILHELM: George. (waves George over) George.<br>
<br>
George goes out into the hall with Wilhelm.<br>
<br>
WILHELM: (puzzled) Uh, George, uh, did you call some carpet cleaners?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Are they here?<br>
<br>
WILHELM: They're in my office, right now.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (suspicious) They haven't said anything to you, have they?<br>
<br>
WILHELM: About what?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (to himself, resentful) What kind of a snobby, stuck-up, cult
is<br>
this?!<br>
<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
Jerry walks along. He is still carrying the envelope of checks, and by
now<br>
he's drenched. A familiar red Ferrari pulls to a stop level with Jerry,
and<br>
the window winds down.<br>
<br>
BRETT: (calls over) Hey Jerry!<br>
<br>
Jerry peers at the car and walks out into the road as he recognises Brett.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Oh, hi Brett.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Ah, I didn't have enough money.<br>
<br>
BRETT: I'm sure things'll pick up for you.<br>
<br>
JERRY: No, it's not that, it's the...<br>
<br>
Jerry looks down at the envelope of checks in his hands. The rain has
soaked<br>
them so thoroughly that the ink of his signatures has run and become<br>
illegible.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Oh no, look at the checks! Hours of hard work ruined!<br>
<br>
Brett peers over at the mass of sodden paper in Jerry's grip.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the (reads) twelve cents?<br>
<br>
JERRY: No, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing
and<br>
writing.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Nothing's working for you, is is?<br>
<br>
JERRY: (bitter) Not at the moment, Brett.<br>
<br>
BRETT: I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here.<br>
<br>
Beside Brett sits a bald-headed, bearded, guy in shades.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!<br>
<br>
Jerry walks away<br>
<br>
<br>
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Jerry is drying the checks. Dozens hang from lines around the apartment,
and<br>
more sit on the table, where Jerry dabs them with a towel.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Brett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Boogeyman.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Boogey?<br>
<br>
JERRY: I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado.
Hey,<br>
what d'you think of Oye Como Va?<br>
<br>
JERRY: (negative) Eehh.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city,
Jer!<br>
<br>
Elaine puts he hand to her head, walks round the room and flops onto the<br>
couch. The door opens and George enters. He's in buoyant mood.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese<br>
friends. They loved it!<br>
<br>
JERRY: Really? They bought the butler character?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great<br>
show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.<br>
<br>
JERRY: NBC?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.<br>
<br>
Elaine looks heavenwards.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Ah. But they told us we must go now.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: But now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers,
that<br>
love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.<br>
<br>
George opens the door. Jerry comes over before he can leave.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever
it<br>
is. (vehement) Just take it!<br>
<br>
George smiles, claps Jerry on the shoulder and leaves. Jerry starts to
close<br>
the door, but George turns back.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Hey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Who?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: The network executive. You think she liked me?<br>
<br>
Jerry swings the door closed in George's face.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Hallway]<br>
<br>
George crosses the hall to Kramer's door. He knocks, but there is no<br>
immediate reply. George listens, and can hear excited shouting and laughter.<br>
He opens the door and goes in.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Kramer's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Kramer and the three Japanese sit in the hot-tub. They're stripped to
the<br>
waist (at least), wearing Stetsons, and drinking sake. They spot George
as he<br>
enters and shout greetings.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Heyy! Look who's here.<br>
<br>
The Japanese whoop and wave at George.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (beckoning to George) Come on, I want you to come in here.<br>
<br>
All the Japanese gesture and shout that George should get in the tub with<br>
them.<br>
<br>
MR OH: Come on in, fat boy!<br>
<br>
George waves away their appeals with a smile.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day<br>
tomorrow!<br>
<br>
Kramer and the Japanese cheer and splash water at George, who leaves.
Then<br>
they go back to knocking back sake.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Jerry is re-signing all the checks he dried out.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (to himself) Last one.<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd06 --><!-- EndAd -->
Jerry completes his signature and drops the pen from his claw-like hand.
It's<br>
clearly painful.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (agonised) Uugh! Ahh.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
George stands outside the Nakahama Broadcast Corp offices. He's waiting
for<br>
someone. Kramer wanders up behind him and speaks into George's ear.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: There you are.<br>
<br>
George jumps, surprised by Kramer.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Uh. (smiles) Where's the boys?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Uh, no, I let 'em sleep in.<br>
<br>
Kramer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a number of airline tickets.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: I'm on my way to cash in their plane tickets for them. They need
a<br>
little food money.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (horrified) But that meeting starts in ten minutes!<br>
<br>
KRAMER: No, well, I set their alarm. But they did have a lot of sake in
that<br>
hot-tub.<br>
<br>
A panicky George rushes toward a payphone.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (frantic) I'm calling Jerry.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Street/Jerry's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Jerry is bathing his crippled left hand in a bowl of ice-water. The phone<br>
rings and he picks up (with his right).<br>
<br>
JERRY: Yeah?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the<br>
hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or
I<br>
don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!<br>
<br>
JERRY: (kidding) Uncle Leo?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (scream) Jerry!!<br>
<br>
George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk. Jerry lifts the phone<br>
away from his ear at the noise.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up.<br>
<br>
Jerry hangs up the phone.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (to himself) Hmm, testy.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Kramer's Apartment]<br>
<br>
The chest of drawers still stands against one wall. All the drawers are
shut,<br>
and from within them can be heard thumping noises and cries for help.
Jerry<br>
enters and hears the calls.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hello?<br>
<br>
MR OH (O.C.): Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!<br>
<br>
Jerry pulls at the handle with his good hand, but it won't move. He tries
to<br>
hook his bad hand round the other handle and pull.<br>
<br>
JERRY: It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped
the<br>
wood.<br>
<br>
MR OH (O.C.): Pull harder.<br>
<br>
JERRY: I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week.<br>
<br>
MR OH (O.C): Very funny, but no joking, please.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out.<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
[Hallway]<br>
<br>
Elaine and Brett stroll up to Jerry's door. Brett is carrying an umbrella.<br>
Elaine looks dubious.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Brett, believe me. You don't have to do this.<br>
<br>
BRETT: Elaine, I know he'll appreciate this. Granted, it's not as nice
as<br>
Kramer's cabinet, but it's start.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Uh, I promise you, Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinet.<br>
<br>
Elaine reaches for Jerry's doorhandle, but a shout from Kramer's apartment<br>
distracts her.<br>
<br>
JERRY (O.C.): (yell) Move to the back of the drawers!<br>
<br>
Elaine moves to enter Kramer's apartment.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Jerry?<br>
<br>
<br>
[Kramer's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Elaine enters followed by Brett.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Jerry.<br>
<br>
Jerry stands in front of the chest of drawers, holding a large fireman's
axe.<br>
He swings it high and smashes it into the top of the chest, the wood<br>
splintering under the impact. Brett looks horrified. He drops the umbrella,<br>
and rushes forward to protect the furniture.<br>
<br>
BRETT: (shouting) Not the Farbman!!<br>
<br>
Elaine stares after the charging Brett. She puts her hand to her mouth
and<br>
screams, horrified at what she sees.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Japanese TV Office]<br>
<br>
The Japanese tourists sit on the couch, looking like survivors of some<br>
horrible ordeal, with the two executives in their chairs. George perches
on<br>
the arm of the couch.<br>
<br>
MR OH: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Jerry Seinfeld is a dangerous lunatic.
He<br>
wouldn't let us out of the drawers. Then he came at me with an axe.<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We suspect his friend here is
also<br>
unbalanced.<br>
<br>
The tourists turn slowly and look nervously at the smiling, uncomprehending,<br>
George.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: So, uh, gentlemen, do we have a deal?<br>
<br>
MR OH: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: Could we have a couple of those oranges?<br>
<br>
The executives gesture their assent. The tourists eagerly grab the fruit.<br>
<br>
MR OH: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: We are very hungry and have survived
many<br>
hardships.<br>
<br>
Behind the couch, two of the carpet cleaner people enter, including the<br>
leader. They walk over to a corner. George notices them and stands.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (to the executives) Excuse me. Did you hire the Sunshine Carpet<br>
Cleaners?<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 1: Yes. Cleaned up the (points) coffee stain, left by Jerry<br>
Seinfield.<br>
<br>
Wilhelm enters, dressed in the same yellow overall as the other carpet<br>
cleaners. George looks stunned.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Mr Wilhelm? Wha..what're you doing here?<br>
<br>
WILHELM: I'm here to clean the carpets. Most of the world is carpeted.
And,<br>
one day, we will do the cleaning.<br>
<br>
George lets this sink in, then slowly turns to the leader.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (incredulity) Him you brainwashed! (angry shout) What's he got
that I<br>
don't have?!<br>
<br>
The leader shrugs, as if to say 'You work it out.'<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (urgent) Mr Wilhelm, listen. You've been abducted! Please, Mr<br>
Wilhelm, you gotta listen to me!<br>
<br>
WILHELM: Wilhelm? (he raises the nozzle of his cleaner) My name is Tanya.<br>
<br>
George purses his lips.<br>
<br>
EXECUTIVE 1: (speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE: With these two idiots I don't
know<br>
how the Yankees won the World Series.<br>
<!-- BeginAd07 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
The second executive shakes her head.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
<br>
Brett sits next to Jerry's table, looking dazed. Elaine stands beside
him,<br>
applying an icepack to his temple. Jerry stands opposite Eaine.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to
hit<br>
you in the head with.. an axe.<br>
<br>
Elaine gives Jerry a look.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (defensive) At least it was just the handle!<br>
<br>
BRETT: It was a beautiful cabinet. What am I gonna tell...<br>
<br>
Brett looks concerned.<br>
<br>
BRETT: I can't remember his name!<br>
<br>
JERRY: Fleckman?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Calm down Brett, okay. You could have a concussion. Calm down.
(holds<br>
Brett's head and sings) 'Desperado, mmm-mm-mmm. You better...'<br>
<br>
ELAINE/JERRY: (singing) '...let somebody love you. Let somebody love you,<br>
before it's too...'<br>
<br>
Brett slips out from under the icepack and falls face-first onto the table<br>
with an audible clunk. Elaine looks down, shocked. Jerry just looks down.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Insert]<br>
<br>
An ambulance races through the streets of New York, siren wailing.<br>
<br>
<br>
[Emergency Room]<br>
<br>
Brett lays on his back, as a doctor and nurse examine him.<br>
<br>
NURSE: His pulse is fine.<br>
<br>
DOCTOR: Hmm. Looks like a minor concussion. Let me see what I can do to<br>
relieve the swelling.<br>
<br>
Music begins to play. It's Witchy Woman, and the doctor gets the same
look on<br>
his face as Brett with Desperado. He looks off into the distance.<br>
<br>
NURSE: Doctor?<br>
<br>
The doctor stares away.<br>
<br>
NURSE: (concerned) Doctor?<br>
<br>
The doctor is oblivious to the nurse.<br>
<br>
NURSE: (worried) Doctor?<br>
<br>
There is still no response from the doctor.<br>
<br>
NURSE: (alarm) Doctor, I think we're losing him!<br>
<br>
As the doctor stares off into the distance, the monitoring instruments
can be<br>
heard beeping faster and faster.<br>
<br>
[End]</p>
<p><br>
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
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