897 lines
49 KiB
HTML
897 lines
49 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Cheever Letters</h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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Written by: Larry David, Elaine Pope, and Tom Leopold</p>
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<p>Directed by: Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: October 28, 1992 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Warren Frost (as Mr. Ross),
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Lisa</p>
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<p>Malkiewicz (as Sandra), and Grace Zabriskie (as Mrs. Ross).</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry and George enter with some plastic bags)</p>
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<p>JERRY: She hasn't told her father yet?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.</p>
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<p>JERRY: "We're"? What do you mean, "We're"?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Susan wants me to be there.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're meetin' the father for the first time?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Reluctantly) Yeah.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression
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on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it:
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Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban
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cigars..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, I know what happened.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, but wait, wait: And then you dump them off onto Kramer..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Getting frustrated) I know.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin
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down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation)
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It's very comical..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a
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lot on my mind.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's
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the day.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how
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Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the
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worst he could do? So you burn</p>
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<p>a cabin down..</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a
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cabin.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics?
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What, d'ja get, bics?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What, you got a problem with the pen now?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the
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living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down)
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NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I,</p>
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<p>Scene A.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George
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reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Offering) Drink?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, no thank you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Act I, Scene A.. </p>
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<p>(A long pause as they both attempt to start writing passes)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the
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TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine
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there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh,</p>
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<p>yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat
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with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone)
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Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay</p>
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<p>phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling
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out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah,
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could you just put me through to</p>
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<p>Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of
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ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into
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the television. He seems to not</p>
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<p>even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get
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through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for,
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like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So</p>
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<p>we're on for later?</p>
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<p>(Scene cuts to Elaine's office. She's waving a pencil around in
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her free hand)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil
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thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go.
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I gotta go. (Hangs up)</p>
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<p>Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?</p>
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<p>(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready
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to work)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Alright, here we go. You got it?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Here we go.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment, you come in.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Holding out his arms - giving praise) It's beautiful.
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Now, what do I say?</p>
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<p>(A long pause, then the scene jumps back to Elaine and Sandra)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Could you do me a favor? Um, when my friends call, could
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you not talk to them for too long?</p>
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<p>SANDRA: Why? Did Jerry say something?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, no.</p>
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<p>SANDRA: He must have said something.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, no, he didn't say anything.</p>
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<p>SANDRA: (Near tears) I can't work for you! I can't. I'm leaving.
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(Exits quickly)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Calling out to Sandra) No, Sandra. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
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I really am! Listen, listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right
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now. It's very hard being a</p>
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<p>stand-up comedian! Sometimes they don't laugh!</p>
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<p>(Scene goes back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry and George are sleeping.
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Kramer slams his apartment door shut, waking both of them up)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Alright, let's go.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Here we go.</p>
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<p>(Both get situated to write as Kramer enters)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something
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here. We're trying to do a little work..</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's
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with you?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Complaining) No more golf.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Why?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know,
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at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every
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time I give him a couple</p>
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<p>of those Cuban cigars?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Angered) Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! (Leaning
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over the couch, he addresses George) Hey, George, maybe you can
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ask Susan's father for</p>
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<p>more, huh?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What are you, Crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars
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after you burned down his cabin!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Why? What's one thing got to do with another?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Kramer, please.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, I can't go back to the public courses, now. I can't!
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I won't. I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded, the grass
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has big brown patches in it,</p>
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<p>they don't rake the sand traps! Not to mention the caliber of people
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you have to play with!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Kramer, I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them
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some place else.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Opening the door) Where? They're Cubans. (Leaves)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What?!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house
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for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want
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to leave myself plenty of time.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the
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script?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I think we got a bite on it. (Exits)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: The Ross' house]</p>
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<p>(Susan, her parents, and George are all dining)</p>
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<p>MRS. ROSS: (To Mr. Ross) Doesn't George look like your sister,
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Sarah?</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: (Gruff) A slight resemblance.</p>
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<p>(George laughs slightly)</p>
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<p>MRS. ROSS: (To George) Her son's a podiatrist, you know.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ohh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with
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feet. I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot - you're toiling
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in virtual anonymity. I mean..</p>
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<p>(Seeing the Ross' expression, he trails off)</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, uh, the cigars.. (Chuckles nervously) I'm, uh, suckin'
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'em down. I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: You know those cigars are made special for Castro?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Impersonating Carson) I didn't not know that. Weird. Wild.
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(Susan and George both laugh)</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: What?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: (Explaining) He's doing Johnny Carson, daddy.</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: I didn't care much for his jokes.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: (To George) Daddy never laughs.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, well, so what? Laughter - what is that? I mean, what
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is the point of opening your mouth and going "Ha, ha!"?
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What is that? "Ha, ha!"?</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere.</p>
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<p>MRS. ROSS: You and your cigars..</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: (Shooting back at his wife) Wear some more lipstick.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Daddy, there's, um, there's something that we have to talk
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to you about..</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: Oh, I forgot to ask you - how'd you like the cabin?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Even more nervous than before) Oh, the, uh, the cabin..
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well, (Clears throat)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry and Elaine are talking. Jerry's using a harsh tone)</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>JERRY: Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her
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that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm
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responsible for this</p>
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<p>woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault.
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Would you call her?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the
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phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help
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you.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from
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her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry
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Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her</p>
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<p>hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just
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want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her
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to drop the popcorn, then shoves her</p>
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<p>hand away. Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been
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a terrible misunderstanding: See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was
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a real treat talking to you on the phone,</p>
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<p>and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian
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and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) "Yeah, it was
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a real treat talking to her on</p>
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<p>the phone." (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being
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sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on
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a second. (To Elaine, whispering)</p>
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<p>Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out "Just
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go" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on
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the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um..</p>
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<p>yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay,
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bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: The Ross' house]</p>
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<p>(Same diner party is going on. News of the cabin has yet to be
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discussed)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The cabin.. (Laughs nervously) Well.. (Pauses as he thinks
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of a way to break the news, then decides to pass it off) Susan?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Uhh.. about the cabin..</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: (Cutting her off) I love that place. My father built
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that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from Impetigo at
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the time, and dad thought it would</p>
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<p>be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there
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the following winter. And he passed away 10 years later to the day.
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His last words to me were, (Mrs.</p>
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<p>Ross, bored out of her mind, has obviously heard this story a million
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times - she mouths the words as Mr. Ross says them) "Cherish
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the cabin." Not, uh, "Take care</p>
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<p>of your sister." (Adding) She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish
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the cabin." (Smiling, reflecting) And I have.. for 45 years.
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It's often been a.. sanctuary for me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Annoyingly butting in) Kinda like Superman's fortress
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of solitude.</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: What?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: S, uh, Superman - he, uh, built the fortress of solitude
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up at the North Pole, to, uh, you know, sort of get away from it
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all..</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: When I go, I'm passing it on to her. (Pointing at Susan)</p>
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<p>MRS. ROSS: (Drunk, she laughs out loud) I'll take a hotel any day.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Daddy..</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: Yes?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Daddy, about the cabin..</p>
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<p>MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she points to her shirt) Look, Henry, I spilled
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wine on me! (Laughs again)</p>
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<p>MR. ROSS: (To Susan) What about it?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Well, the thing is..</p>
|
|
<p>MR. ROSS: What? What is it?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well, the - the cabin, is, kind of, uh.. George?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Extremely blunt) Burned.</p>
|
|
<p>MR. ROSS: Burned?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: There was a fire, and it uh.. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Burned.</p>
|
|
<p>MR. ROSS: (Still trying to comprehend what has happened) The cabin
|
|
burned?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Laughs) yeah, burned. Whoo..</p>
|
|
<p>MRS. ROSS: (Laughing out loud) Burned! (George laughs with her)</p>
|
|
<p>MR. ROSS: Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground?!
|
|
Did they find anything?</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (Solemn) No. Nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>MRS. ROSS: (Laughing, she's obviously getting a kick out of her
|
|
husband's misfortune) Nothing! Ha, ha, ha.</p>
|
|
<p>(Mr. Ross, devastated, slowly gets up and starts walking toward
|
|
the room's exit as everyone continues to talk)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Eh, but, you know, Mr. Ross, if - if you look at the whole
|
|
situating, what with it being your cigars, and everything, it's
|
|
really rather ironic - one might even</p>
|
|
<p>say, in a sense, comical.. (Mr. Ross has, by now, left the room.
|
|
Mrs. Ross is pointing at George, nodding, laughing. As if to say
|
|
he hit the bullseye. George calls out</p>
|
|
<p>to Mr. Ross) Really. Think about it.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Sandra runs out of Jerry's room, hastily putting on her jacket.
|
|
Jerry follow, buttoning his shirt)</p>
|
|
<p>SANDRA: (Offended) I can't believe you said that!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?!</p>
|
|
<p>SANDRA: (Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like
|
|
that to me?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was
|
|
just trying to keep up!</p>
|
|
<p>SANDRA: That was a weird thing to say.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join
|
|
in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDRA: Ohh, I think you're really sick.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her)
|
|
You - you said much sicker things than me.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDRA: I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I really think you're making too much of this.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDRA: (Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move
|
|
to the door)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Let me walk you to a cab.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDRA: (Opens the door) That's ok.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us,
|
|
and that'll be the end of it.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDRA: Oh, really? (Quickly walks out)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested
|
|
in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really
|
|
don't.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: The Coffee shop]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's telling George about last night)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she
|
|
starts rubbing my leg.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Wo-hoah! What did you do?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching
|
|
your leg?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, right.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in
|
|
Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off
|
|
my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the</p>
|
|
<p>hand, and I'm thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg."
|
|
But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, "Would
|
|
you mind?!"</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do
|
|
they do that?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know, they're working on a whole other level..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, so, go ahead.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So we go back to my apartment..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting
|
|
a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others
|
|
from hearing) and, uh, she starts</p>
|
|
<p>with the dirty talking.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry
|
|
has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in,
|
|
giddy) What did she say?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Modest) Oh, you know, the usual..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, I don't know. How do I know the usual?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Typical things.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme
|
|
some typical.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so
|
|
shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup
|
|
bottle - ketchup squirts out</p>
|
|
<p>and files off-screen. George reacts deeply)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's
|
|
absolutely filthy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ..And then she starts talking about her panties.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So I said something.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ok, what did you say?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep
|
|
up.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Of course.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I
|
|
said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry
|
|
a confused look, he repeats it) "The panties your mother laid
|
|
out for you"? (Jerry nods) What</p>
|
|
<p>does that mean?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, how did she react?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She flipped out! Just left.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but
|
|
it's not offensive.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about
|
|
any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing.
|
|
And she's never let me</p>
|
|
<p>hear the end of it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE; Well, what if this girl says something?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She will tell her. She's going back to work. I talked her
|
|
into it - how stupid was that? (Changing subject as they both collect
|
|
money to pay for the check)</p>
|
|
<p>Hey, so, Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I guess he failed to see the humor in it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Huh. (Makes a "over his head" gesture with his
|
|
arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Getting up) Alright, big work day.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That's right.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and George, with their writing materials, go to sit down
|
|
in the living room while giving each other pep talks)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Let's go.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Here we are.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Right now.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Let's do it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You and me.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What'dya got?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Reading from his notebook) I got: You enter, you go "Hi",
|
|
and I go, "Hello." Now.. we need something here..</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey.</p>
|
|
<p>(Both George and Jerry get up, giving Kramer an excited greeting
|
|
- talking fast, together) Oh, you guys are working? I'll come back.
|
|
(Turns to leave. Jerry and</p>
|
|
<p>George strongly protest with a series of "No, no, no!"'s)
|
|
No, you guys should get back to work. (More protests)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Don't be silly.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Come in, we're taking a break.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, George, did you talk to that guy about getting me some
|
|
more cigars?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Scoffs) No, I told you, I'm not gonna do that.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Concluding) Okay.. well, I guess I'm just going to have
|
|
to take matters into my own hands, huh? (Pause) Alright, I'll see
|
|
you guys. (Leaves, despite</p>
|
|
<p>"No, don't go!" and other various comments by Jerry and
|
|
George)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer walks up to a secretary)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Buenos dias.</p>
|
|
<p>SECRETARY: Buenos dias.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, habla ingles?</p>
|
|
<p>SECRETARY: Si.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Giddy-up. Ok, uh, (Looks at a woman wearing dark sunglasses
|
|
and sitting on a sofa behind him. He reacts oddly) Um. I need to
|
|
talk to someone.</p>
|
|
<p>SECRETARY: What is this about?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, well, It's a very private matter, but it's extremely
|
|
urgent.</p>
|
|
<p>SECRETARY: Are you an American?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>SECRETARY: I see.. excuse me. (Picks up the phone)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry, curled up on his living room chair, and George, laid out
|
|
on the sofa, are asleep. Jerry's buzzer goes off, waking them up.
|
|
George rolls off the couch and falls</p>
|
|
<p>to the floor)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's
|
|
get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's
|
|
get it together.. (Through</p>
|
|
<p>intercom) Yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we
|
|
should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script
|
|
for a while..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Agreeing) Yeah, we should.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment
|
|
and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, no, no, no.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine enters)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to
|
|
work.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think
|
|
about it - there's no two ways about it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why? What happened? Did you talk?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her!
|
|
We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks
|
|
that this isn't anybody you should</p>
|
|
<p>be talking to.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Really? You really think I should fire her?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy
|
|
here working on the script, I'd do it myself.</p>
|
|
<p>(George, sitting out the couch, dozes off to sleep)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: United Nations' Permanent Mission of Cuba building]</p>
|
|
<p>(A group of men in suits walk out into the lobby to deal with Kramer)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: (To secretary) Expira te afuera.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Standing up, greeting the men) Buenos dias.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: What is your name, Senor?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: So, Senor Kramer, what is this about?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Leaning in, confidentially) Cigars.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: (Confused) Cigars?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Definite) Cigars.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: What about cigars?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, see here, I.. (Pulls out a paper ring from his pocket)
|
|
I saved one of the cigar rings..</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Ohh.. (Laughs, pulling a cigar from his inner coat pocket)
|
|
You mean - one of these..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Pointing at the cigar, incredibly nervous) Yeah, yeah.
|
|
That- that's, uh, okay, So, uh, I'd like to buy a couple of boxes
|
|
of those from you, yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: (Deeply sniffs the cigar's aroma) You do realize, of course,
|
|
these are illegal in your country.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Um, wha - oh, illegal, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>(The man is staring at Kramer's clothes, mesmerized. He reaches
|
|
out to touch Kramer's legendary jacket)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: I like that jacket..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: The Ross' apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(There's a knock at the door. Susan answers it - it's Jerry and
|
|
George)</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Hi!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hi, how are ya? (They kiss)</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Hey, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I thought you two guys were working today.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ah, just - takin' a little break.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Chuckling) yeah. Uh, oh, here's your sunglasses. (Hands
|
|
them to her)</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Ok, thanks. Come on in for a second. (They move into the
|
|
living room. Susan gestures to a man sitting on the couch reading
|
|
the paper) This is my brother,</p>
|
|
<p>Ricky. He's home from college for the weekend.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ohh, hey there, young fella. (They shake hands) What's
|
|
your major?</p>
|
|
<p>RICKY: (Blunt) I don't have one.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, you should always consider podiatry. (Patting Ricky
|
|
on the shoulder) There's nothing wrong with the feet. (Ricky looks
|
|
critically back at George)</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (Now gestures to an old woman in a wheelchair) And this
|
|
is my Aunt, Sara.</p>
|
|
<p>SARA: (Staring at George) He doesn't look like me.</p>
|
|
<p>MRS. ROSS: Sara, what do you have on your wheels?</p>
|
|
<p>SARA: Nothing, they're clean.</p>
|
|
<p>MRS. ROSS: Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off?</p>
|
|
<p>RICKY: (Annoyed) Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>MRS. ROSS: (Concluding) Well, they're filthy. It's just a matter
|
|
of common courtesy.. (Wheels Sara over to a spot off the rug) When
|
|
you come in the house you</p>
|
|
<p>wipe your wheels.</p>
|
|
<p>(Doorbell rings)</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Excuse me. (Answer the door. It's her doorman, Raymond,
|
|
carrying a burnt box) Hello, Raymond.</p>
|
|
<p>RAYMOND: Ah, yes, the man from the insurance company dropped this
|
|
off this morning. He said it was the only thing left from the remains
|
|
of the fire.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (Accepts the box) Oh, thank you. (As the doorman leaves,
|
|
she turns to Jerry and George) Wow, I've never seen this before..
|
|
(Opens the charred box)</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, they're letters. (Hands the box to George) Here.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, sure. (Holds the box out as Susan takes out a few letters)</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: From.. (Trying to read one) from John Cheever.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY AND GEORGE: Oh, wow.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: (Chuckles as she opens up one of the letters. She reads
|
|
it) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..
|
|
orgasm (She now has everyone's</p>
|
|
<p>attention) has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever
|
|
get back to work.. (Jerry and George make odd faces as Susan is
|
|
still concentrating on the notes) I love</p>
|
|
<p>you madly, John. (Pause) P.S. Loved the cabin." (George nods,
|
|
and Jerry gives a "Oh, of course" reaction)</p>
|
|
<p>(A long pause)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, we.. we, we, ah..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Looking at his watch ) Yeah..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: We really should be, uh, heading out..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, the time..</p>
|
|
<p>(Susan's father is now standing in the hallway)</p>
|
|
<p>MR. ROSS: The box! (Rushes toward George, grabbing the box away
|
|
from him, then the letters from Susan's hands) My letters! Gimme
|
|
that! (Now holding them</p>
|
|
<p>against his chest, defensively) Who told you to open this?!</p>
|
|
<p>MRS. ROSS: (Hysterical) Who's John?! Who's John?!</p>
|
|
<p>SARA: (Yelling out) I knew it!</p>
|
|
<p>MRS. ROSS: I want to know who John is!</p>
|
|
<p>RICKEY: John Cheever?! Dad, you and John Cheever?!</p>
|
|
<p>MR. ROSS: (Proclaiming) Yes! Yes, he was the most wonderful person
|
|
I've ever known. And I love him deeply! In a way you could never
|
|
understand.. (Slowly</p>
|
|
<p>walks back to his room, leaving everyone speechless. Susan seems
|
|
to be affected the most. A long pause passes. Jerry gives George
|
|
a signal that they should go)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, we really should be-</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming
|
|
attractions.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly
|
|
exiting) time.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: yeah, time is what he's indicating there..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Waving good bye) We'll see ya.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Uh, anyway, (Waving bye to everyone) onward and upward.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry grabs George, leaving)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and George, once again, are sitting down in the living room,
|
|
attempting to write)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, here we go.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, let's go.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Come on now.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Right now.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Here we go.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You and me.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You got it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No foolin'</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ok, so, what'dya got?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in,
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you say "Hi", and I say "Hello".</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Alright, so, we need something..</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.. how about this: I say "How's it goin'?"</p>
|
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<p>GEORGE: "How's it going?" - beautiful.</p>
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<p>(They both start to write it down as a pounding on the door sounds)
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Oh, come on, we were just on a roll now..</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: (Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that
|
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line?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Nodding, writing) "How's it going?"</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: Did you write it down?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm writin' it. "How's it going?"</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Real good!</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: What?!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars!</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: What?! How?</p>
|
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<p>ELAINE: I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?!
|
|
So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe!</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: What calls?!</p>
|
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<p>ELAINE: Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've
|
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been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman!</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: Oh, did - did she say anything else to you?</p>
|
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<p>ELAINE: (Confused) "Anything else"? What do you mean
|
|
"anything else"?</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about
|
|
anything?</p>
|
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Smiling to himself) Beautiful.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why is that beautiful?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, no, not beautiful.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, no.</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: (Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who
|
|
encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my-</p>
|
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<p>ELAINE: (Giving up too easy) Okay.</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: (Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to
|
|
write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell
|
|
smoke?</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine opens the door to find Kramer and the 3 Cubans dressed
|
|
up in golf wear, smoking cigars)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here.
|
|
(Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Trying to avoid the issue) Oh, yeah, yeah, Okay, we're
|
|
going. (To his three friends) Vamanos, muchachos!</p>
|
|
<p>(They exit)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Turns to George, he is now reading a book) Hey, what are
|
|
you reading?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, uh, "The Falconer" by John Cheever. It's
|
|
really excellent.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George
|
|
shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the
|
|
check to Elaine) look, we gotta</p>
|
|
<p>get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Moving back into the living room) Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just
|
|
bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in
|
|
his chair) and they're - all laid</p>
|
|
<p>out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both
|
|
look at each other, frozen in their places)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
|
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<p>
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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