816 lines
40 KiB
HTML
816 lines
40 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
|
|
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"
|
|
xmlns:og="http://opengraphprotocol.org/schema/"
|
|
xmlns:fb="http://www.facebook.com/2008/fbml"><!-- InstanceBegin template="/Templates/seinfeld.dwt" codeOutsideHTMLIsLocked="false" -->
|
|
<head>
|
|
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
|
|
<META NAME="AUTHOR" CONTENT="Doctoroids" />
|
|
<META NAME="COPYRIGHT" CONTENT="© 2002-2010 Doctoroids" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="doctitle" -->
|
|
<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Chicken Roaster </title>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<link href="support-files/seinfeld.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" />
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="docdescription" -->
|
|
<meta name="description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of
|
|
The Chicken Roaster. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="dockeywords" -->
|
|
<meta name="keywords" content="chicken roaster, the chicken roaster, seinfeld scripts, seinfeld, seinfeld episode" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
window.google_analytics_uacct = "UA-16472669-1";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<link rel="image_src" href="images/seinfeld-share.jpg" />
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://s7.addthis.com/js/250/addthis_widget.js#username=doctoroids">var addthis_config = {data_track_clickback: true};</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="head" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="pagetype" -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageType="CONTENT";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script>
|
|
|
|
<meta property="og:site_name" content="SeinfeldScripts"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:app_id" content="164823560224402"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:admins" content="824270386"/>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="ogdata" -->
|
|
<meta property="og:image" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/images/seinfeld-cast.jpg"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:title" content="The Chicken Roaster"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:type" content="tv_show"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:url" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheChickenRoaster.htm"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Chicken Roaster. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes"/>
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
</head>
|
|
<body>
|
|
<div class="wrap">
|
|
<div class="head_title">
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div id="menu">
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<!-- **** INSERT NAVIGATION ITEMS HERE (use id="selected" to identify the page you're on **** -->
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Gifts</a></li>
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<div class="addthis_toolbox addthis_default_style" id="menu_share">
|
|
<li><a style="padding: 8px 3px 8px 160px" href="http://addthis.com/bookmark.php?v=250&username=doctoroids" class="addthis_button_compact">Share</a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_facebook"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_twitter"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_googlebuzz"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_digg"></a></li>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="underMenu">
|
|
<a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com">Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community!</a></div>
|
|
|
|
<div id="content"><!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="main_content" -->
|
|
<h1>The Chicken Roaster</h1>
|
|
|
|
<p><table width="300" height="250" border="0" align="left" cellpadding="0" style="margin-right:10px;">
|
|
<tr>
|
|
<td>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-in_content-top_left */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4619537930";
|
|
google_ad_width = 300;
|
|
google_ad_height = 250;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
</td>
|
|
</tr>
|
|
</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
|
|
% Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack</p>
|
|
<p>% George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand</p>
|
|
<p>George: Why is there no haggling in this country?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife
|
|
fight for a </p>
|
|
<p>citrus drink. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Not me. Everything should be negotiable.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Restaurants too?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on
|
|
pasta. </p>
|
|
<p>All starches are a scam.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yea especially ziti, with that big hole. </p>
|
|
<p>[George asks the store worker a question]</p>
|
|
<p>George: Excuse me, how much is this?</p>
|
|
<p>Worker: Dollar nineteen.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'll give you a quarter.</p>
|
|
<p>Worker: Get the hell out of here. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Tell him forty and no fork.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Thirty.</p>
|
|
<p>Worker: That's it you leave and never come back!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How about we leave and come back in a week?</p>
|
|
<p>Worker: Deal!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Alright see? We got something there. </p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about the
|
|
new chicken</p>
|
|
<p>shack. ( I came in a little late.)]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Look at the size of that neon light. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken
|
|
places on </p>
|
|
<p>every block.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He is the gambler. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him
|
|
pick out a</p>
|
|
<p>turtle.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Try and stay calm. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yea, yea. </p>
|
|
<p>[Exit the K-Man.]</p>
|
|
<p>[Man on street recognizes Jerry.]</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Hey Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Seth! Wow what has it been like five years?</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: At least.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You wanna grab lunch?</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Uh, I'm actually headed back to the office. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Seth it's me. What's more important than catching up with
|
|
an old </p>
|
|
<p>college buddy?</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we
|
|
go to?</p>
|
|
<p>Seth+Jerry: Alright, alright.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Whatever happened to Moochie?</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: He's dead.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Is that right?</p>
|
|
<p>[George and Elaine are in a store ]</p>
|
|
<p>George: I still don't understand how you can call lunch with me
|
|
a business </p>
|
|
<p>expense. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What do you think of the catalog?</p>
|
|
<p>George: It stinks. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: There, we just talked business.</p>
|
|
<p>Worker: We do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other
|
|
stuff. </p>
|
|
<p>Worker: You know what else we have that you might like?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I'll take it. </p>
|
|
<p>[George puts on a giant Russian hat]</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey, you like?</p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine laughs]</p>
|
|
<p>Worker: I think that looks very nice on you. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Really? Elaine...Peterman account?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Why not? [To worker] And some hair for my little friend
|
|
here. </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant] </p>
|
|
<p>Seth: So how's your stand up career?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Pretty good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show
|
|
in Japan. </p>
|
|
<p>Seth: You speak Japanese? </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No </p>
|
|
<p>Seth: So you would have done it in Japan, but in English. </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry thinks for a minute]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know. So what's this job of yours?</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Big investment firm. We just got the Citibank account. In
|
|
fact today </p>
|
|
<p>was our first big meeting with them.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: The meeting you blew off?</p>
|
|
<p>[Seth laughs]</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Yea.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Wasn't that kind of important?</p>
|
|
<p>[ Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.] </p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Yea.</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: ...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a water
|
|
pic.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You use a water pick?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Sure, water pic, floss, plax, brush, listerine...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what
|
|
two?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another
|
|
call. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>Man: Good day Ms Benes, this is Roger Ipswitch. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh hey! How are things doing in accounting?</p>
|
|
<p>Roger: Ms. Benes, I noticed you have been charging quite a bit
|
|
of merchandise </p>
|
|
<p>on the Peterman account. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, I am the President.</p>
|
|
<p>Roger: Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less the expense
|
|
account</p>
|
|
<p>is for business purposes only. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, isn't the president allowed to do anything that they
|
|
want?</p>
|
|
<p>Roger: No, I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Good day. [Elaine and Roger hang up, leaving Jerry still
|
|
on hold] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello, anybody?</p>
|
|
<p>[George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.]</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, why didn't you get the big one?</p>
|
|
<p>George: This hat just bottles in the heat, I don't even need a
|
|
coat! It's </p>
|
|
<p>unbelievable!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't believe it. </p>
|
|
<p>George: And I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little
|
|
Marisa </p>
|
|
<p>Tomei thing going on.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ah, too bad you got a little George Costanza thing going
|
|
on. </p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some
|
|
errands to run.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's a date?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What's the difference? You know they way I work, I'm like
|
|
a</p>
|
|
<p>commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>"By Mennen!".</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?</p>
|
|
<p>George: If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind keys, glove,
|
|
scarf, I go </p>
|
|
<p>back to her place to pick it up...date number three.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood
|
|
horse?</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry is at his apartment door]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "By Mennen"</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry notices a red dot on his door, he traces it to Kramer's
|
|
peep hole,</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry then knocks on Kramer's door. When the door is opened a huge
|
|
red light</p>
|
|
<p>is seen, Kramer is there smoking away on a cigar] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What's going on in there?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: The light!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh the red, its the chicken roaster sign, its right across
|
|
my window.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Can't you shut the shades?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: They are shut, oh yea your friend Seth stopped by. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yea? What'd he say?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: he was fired.</p>
|
|
<p>[Cut to Elaine's office, Elaine is trying to convince the accounting
|
|
guy that</p>
|
|
<p>all of her expenses are business related]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>Aristotle goose down tunic. So what do you think?</p>
|
|
<p>Roger: Another bulls eye.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses are obviously
|
|
for a </p>
|
|
<p>legitimate business purpose.</p>
|
|
<p>[ Elaine turns on water pic to water plants.]</p>
|
|
<p>Roger: I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?</p>
|
|
<p>Roger: Because it costs eight-thousand dollars. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What? </p>
|
|
<p>[Hits Roger with water from water pic.]</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment]</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Jerry: Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you
|
|
go the </p>
|
|
<p>lunch with me?</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: We're old college buddies.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I only knew you through Moochie.</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Hey Jerry don't worry about it, the important thing is that
|
|
we got to </p>
|
|
<p>catch up. Mind if I grab the want ads?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet.</p>
|
|
<p>[Exit Seth. Kramer comes over, hits the wall. ] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How's life on the red planet?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can see
|
|
is that </p>
|
|
<p>giant red sun in the shape of a chicken.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Ah, they have me the heave ho. I don't think that Kenny
|
|
Rogers has </p>
|
|
<p>any idea what's going on down there. </p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer gets out a bowl, fills it with cereal and then removes
|
|
the tomato </p>
|
|
<p>juice from the fridge.]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Getting some cereal </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's tomato juice.</p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal w/tomato juice!]</p>
|
|
<p>[Spits out cereal]</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are
|
|
all screwed </p>
|
|
<p>up! Alright, that's it I gotta move in with you Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer then spills the cereal on Jerry's wall...]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know Kramer, my only concern is that ....</p>
|
|
<p>[Cleans it with a dish rag....]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: ..living together after a while we might start to get on
|
|
each others </p>
|
|
<p>nerves a little.</p>
|
|
<p>[Squeezes juice from rag into container and puts container back
|
|
in fridge]</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. You're a heavy
|
|
sleeper, </p>
|
|
<p>right? Why don't we switch apartments?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls
|
|
down, make </p>
|
|
<p>it an eight room luxury suite.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Jerry these are lode baring walls, they're not gonna come
|
|
down!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yea, that's no good. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I may have to drive that place out of business.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How you gonna do that?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets.</p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer opens door and falls back from the neon light ]</p>
|
|
<p>[George is dropping off the woman that sold him the hat.]</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Thanks George, but I got it from here. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh no I'm in already come on. </p>
|
|
<p>[George puts down the bags he came in with]</p>
|
|
<p>George: So you want to get together tomorrow?</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: No, I'm gonna be pretty busy. </p>
|
|
<p>George: What about this weekend?</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: I'm gonna be busy for a while.</p>
|
|
<p>[George throws his keys on the table] </p>
|
|
<p>George: OK, see ya!</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Hey, you forgot your keys.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What, those aren't my keys. </p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Well they're not mine.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, they are my keys, how weird.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Bye George.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yea. </p>
|
|
<p>Woman: George, bye!</p>
|
|
<p>[George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. ]</p>
|
|
<p>George: Costanza. [Like "By Mennen"]</p>
|
|
<p>[George and Elaine are in Elaine's office. George is looking at
|
|
a bunch of </p>
|
|
<p>fake butterflies on the wall(?) ] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What do you mean you don't have the hat?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I left it at Heather's. Are these alive?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Alright, alright ,I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat
|
|
back, I will </p>
|
|
<p>get a second date. Ha ha. Now watch the magic. </p>
|
|
<p>[George tries to dial but gets a busy tone] Elaine: Dial 9- MERLIN.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>[George dials again and Heather picks up the phone] </p>
|
|
<p>Heather: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Heather Hi, it's George Costanza. </p>
|
|
<p>Heather: Oy!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Ah , listen. I don't mean to bother you but, silly me,
|
|
I think I may </p>
|
|
<p>have left my hat in your apartment. So I thought I'd just come
|
|
by </p>
|
|
<p>later and pick it up.</p>
|
|
<p>Heather: You didn't' leave a hat here. </p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm pretty sure I left it behind the cushion of the chair
|
|
...</p>
|
|
<p>accidentally.</p>
|
|
<p>Heather: No hat. George I gotta go. </p>
|
|
<p>George: You know maybe ... I'll ... </p>
|
|
<p>[Heather hangs up]</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying garbage
|
|
for Kenny </p>
|
|
<p>Roger's Chick shack]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Seth?</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Jerry Hi! What do you think?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place,
|
|
but that </p>
|
|
<p>couldn't be.</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Yea, I'm the new manager</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: But your were an executive, this is fast food.</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Not fast food, good food served quickly.</p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer opens his window revealing a banner saying "BAD CHICKEN"]</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, stay away from the chicken, bad chicken, mess you
|
|
up.</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: That's not going to be good for business. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's not going to be good for anybody. </p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment. ]</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: If I'm gonna live over there, you gotta take some of this
|
|
stuff out. </p>
|
|
<p>I mean this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like its gonna
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry holds up a doll] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my... </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flush, out comes
|
|
Newman from </p>
|
|
<p>the bathroom] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh no. </p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Nice place you got here Kramer a man can really get some
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>thinking done. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well don't get too comfortable, as soon as Seth gets a real
|
|
job you two </p>
|
|
<p>are gong back in that chicken supernova. </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Kramer's apartment.
|
|
Newman starts </p>
|
|
<p>eating chicken] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get that outta here.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well I'm boycotting it. </p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer looks at the chicken.]</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What is that, hickory?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Yea, it's the wood that makes it good. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Uh-Huh.</p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer reaches for some and Newman grows,]</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh stop it. </p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer looks like he loves it]</p>
|
|
<p>[Knock on Heather's door.] </p>
|
|
<p>Heather: Can I help you?</p>
|
|
<p>[Its Elaine, while she is talking she is dragging George in by
|
|
pulling his</p>
|
|
<p>ear]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's, I'm a friend
|
|
of George </p>
|
|
<p>Costanza's. Whether you're aware of it or not George had this </p>
|
|
<p>pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could weazel
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>second date.</p>
|
|
<p>Heather: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I know, he has a real confidence problem.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well not really...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: George...Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the
|
|
hat because</p>
|
|
<p>you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could
|
|
not</p>
|
|
<p>be. But I really do need to have that hat back. </p>
|
|
<p>Heather: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat
|
|
here. I mean, </p>
|
|
<p>maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well that makes sense.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?</p>
|
|
<p>Heather: Be my guest. </p>
|
|
<p>[George is being dragged in by his ear from Elaine] </p>
|
|
<p>George: Good to see you again. </p>
|
|
<p>[George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired.] </p>
|
|
<p>George: She's bluffing, she's got it stashed away in there somewhere.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: This is an absolute disaster.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, I don't know. Check this out. </p>
|
|
<p>[George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket. ]
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You stole her clock?</p>
|
|
<p>[George smiles]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well done. </p>
|
|
<p>George: Yep, this one for our side! </p>
|
|
<p>[Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny
|
|
Roger's </p>
|
|
<p>Chicken. Kramer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so
|
|
found</p>
|
|
<p>another piece of chicken, Kramer throws it on the floor.]</p>
|
|
<p>[Cut to Kramer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).]
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry (Thinking): What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold
|
|
of a ship. </p>
|
|
<p>Gotta relax.</p>
|
|
<p>[sound of a door opening] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry (Thinking): Hello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles?</p>
|
|
<p>[Morning at Jerry apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon,
|
|
what am I </p>
|
|
<p>gonna do?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You should sleep with him.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>[Enter Jerry, his hair is like Kramer's. Jerry enters doing Kramer's
|
|
slide] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey everybody, I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know
|
|
what it's </p>
|
|
<p>like in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking.
|
|
And</p>
|
|
<p>that red light is burning my brain!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You look a little stressed. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh I'm stressed!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that
|
|
fur hat by</p>
|
|
<p>four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know my friend Bob Sacamano?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I thought he was Kramer's friend. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. we got to talking,
|
|
he sells</p>
|
|
<p>Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: fourty bucks? Are they Sable?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, but the difference is unnoticeable. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh yea, I like this idea. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Giddee up!</p>
|
|
<p>[Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveals himself, he was hiding in
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>bathroom.]</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: It's getting cold, it's getting cold.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: That was a close one.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Why do we have to keep this a secret from Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back
|
|
there with </p>
|
|
<p>the red menace. </p>
|
|
<p>[Back to Elaine's office] </p>
|
|
<p>Ipswitch: Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the company was Sable,
|
|
this is </p>
|
|
<p>Neutria. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, that's a kind of sable. </p>
|
|
<p>Ipswitch: No, its a kind of rat. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: That's a rat hat?</p>
|
|
<p>Ipswitch: And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have
|
|
no choice </p>
|
|
<p>but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors</p>
|
|
<p>nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you
|
|
this </p>
|
|
<p>time. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.</p>
|
|
<p>Ipswitch: Yes, and quite mad from what I hear. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Wait? Can I fire you?</p>
|
|
<p>Ipswitch: No. </p>
|
|
<p>[Cut to Monk's George and Kramer are eating together] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: So Heather called? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Yea, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have
|
|
the time'.</p>
|
|
<p>Heh heh if I have the time, you get it? </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, but this is all very exciting. </p>
|
|
<p>George: She knows that I have her clock, I know that she has my
|
|
hat, I think </p>
|
|
<p>she's getting ready to make an exchange. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Of course there's the possibility that you've gone right
|
|
out of your</p>
|
|
<p>mind. </p>
|
|
<p>George: I've looked at that, seems unlikely. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'd look again. So, how come you didn't call Jerry about
|
|
all this? </p>
|
|
<p>George: I can't talk to Jerry anymore, even since he moved into
|
|
that </p>
|
|
<p>apartment he's too much ... like you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: That's a shame. </p>
|
|
<p>[Enter Jerry to Chicken Stand] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off the sign?</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: Jerry, I lied, I'm just he assistant manager. </p>
|
|
<p>Seth (On loud speaker): Number sixty seven, family feast.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Number 67, right here, right here! </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello Newman. </p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Hello Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Seth: And don't forget your steamed broccoli. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep
|
|
fried in </p>
|
|
<p>chocolate sauce.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: I love broccoli, its good for you. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece]</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Gladly. </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman spits it out] </p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Vile weed! </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door knob the constant
|
|
licking of </p>
|
|
<p>the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard. </p>
|
|
<p>[Newman drinks mustard like Henningins ]</p>
|
|
<p>[Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is waiting for Newman. Jerry
|
|
comes in.] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Newman, what took you so long, oh hey buddy. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Expecting Newman? That's funny because I happened to find
|
|
him at </p>
|
|
<p>Kenny Roger's Roasters. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He was buying quite a load of chicken almost for two people,
|
|
as long </p>
|
|
<p>as one of them is not him.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh hey Elaine stopped by, yea dropped off that Bob Sacamano
|
|
hat, oh </p>
|
|
<p>she's upset at him, oh yes siree. Yea well thanks for stopping
|
|
by.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I sure do miss my apartment maybe I'll switch back.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise
|
|
I'd have no</p>
|
|
<p>choice but to put that banner back up and run that Roger's right
|
|
out</p>
|
|
<p>of town.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you
|
|
the trouble, </p>
|
|
<p>I'll do it myself. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yea, yea go ahead put the banner up doesn't matter to me.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken,
|
|
you leave </p>
|
|
<p>those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody. </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You got a little problem. </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh I got a big problem Jerry! </p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine is visiting Peterman in the Burmese jungle. Elaine is brought
|
|
in and</p>
|
|
<p>told to sit. ] </p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Elaine. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Mr. Peterman. </p>
|
|
<p>[A boy cuts a piece of fruit in the background, Peterman scolds
|
|
him in another</p>
|
|
<p>language ] </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You speak Burmese?</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble
|
|
finding</p>
|
|
<p>the place?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood.</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: Are you an assassin?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I work for your mail order catalog. </p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect
|
|
a bill. </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just
|
|
sign this </p>
|
|
<p>expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: I'd be happy to Elaine ... but I will have to see this
|
|
hat.</p>
|
|
<p>[George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding
|
|
a bag.]</p>
|
|
<p>George: So how do you want to do this?</p>
|
|
<p>Heather: Alright George I'll be honest, the first time we went
|
|
out, I found</p>
|
|
<p>you very irritating, but after seeing you for a couple of times,
|
|
you</p>
|
|
<p>sorta got stuck in my head, Costanza! </p>
|
|
<p>[Costanza like "By Mennen"] </p>
|
|
<p>George: So you really don't have my hat?</p>
|
|
<p>Heather: What?</p>
|
|
<p>[George moves his bag]</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh. let's go do something.</p>
|
|
<p>Heather: What's in bag?</p>
|
|
<p>George: That's a sandwich. </p>
|
|
<p>[Clock starts ringing] </p>
|
|
<p>George: Damn salami. </p>
|
|
<p>Heather: My clock, you stole it!</p>
|
|
<p>George: That damn deli that is last time they screw up one of my
|
|
orders. </p>
|
|
<p>[Starts raining ]</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry enter Chicken Stand. The rain has made the rat hat (which
|
|
he was </p>
|
|
<p>wearing) wet (or course)] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey Seth, man it is coming down hard out there. </p>
|
|
<p>[As Jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of the
|
|
wetness, </p>
|
|
<p>the hat falls apart into everyone's plate] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business. </p>
|
|
<p>Seth: That's not gonna be good for anybody. </p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer in bed eating chicken when ... the Kenny Roger's chicken
|
|
light goes </p>
|
|
<p>out] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Kenny? ... Kenny?</p>
|
|
<p>[Kramer at his window with a sign saying "come back Kenny"
|
|
] </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Kenny....</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry is in bed at his own apartment] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Home at last. </p>
|
|
<p>[Creek!] </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Is someone there? Mr. Marbles?</p>
|
|
<p>[Elaine with Peterman in the jungle]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Its the Urban Sombrero, I put it in the last catalog. </p>
|
|
<p>Peterman: The horror...the horror. </p>
|
|
<p>[End Episode!]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
|
|
|
|
<div id="navBar">
|
|
|
|
<div id="upperBox">
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
|
</div>
|
|
</form>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|