1220 lines
54 KiB
HTML
1220 lines
54 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Chinese Woman</h1>
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Episode #90 (6.04: season 6, episode 4), 13 Oct 1994.</p>
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<p>The Cast:</p>
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<p>Character Actor </p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld </p>
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<p>George Costanza Jason Alexander </p>
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<p>Kramer Michael Richards </p>
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<p>Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus </p>
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<p>Donna Chang Angela Dohrmann </p>
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<p>Estelle Costanza Estelle Harris </p>
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<p>Frank Costanza Jerry Stiller </p>
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<p> The "Cape man" is played by Larry David.</p>
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<p> Character Actor <br>
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Doctor (Dr. Korval) William Utay<br>
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</p>
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<p>This episode is about Jerry Seinfeld's series of dates with Donna Chang. Jerry had the notion that she was about to date a Chinese woman because of Donna's surname. She was surprised after their first date but liked Donna even though she was not Chinese. Their first date would have been more romantic and worthwhile if Jerry obtained the services a car rental company like perfect car hire. <a href="http://www.perfectcarhire.com">Perfect car hire</a> is a premier car rental company in Ireland that offers quality service for their valued customers. <br>
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</p>
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<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>[Opening Monologue]</p>
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<p>I think the thing I admire most about the Chinese is that they're hanging in<br />
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there with the chopsticks. Because if you think about it, you know, they've seen<br />
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the fork by now. I'm sure they've seen the spoon. They're going, "Yeah, they're<br />
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okay. We're gonna stay with the sticks.". I mean, I don't know how they missed<br />
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it. Thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up has his breakfast with the<br />
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chopsticks goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel. Hello? Shovel?<br />
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Not going out there plowing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[JERRY and ELAINE walking down the street. ELAINE is carrying two </p>
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<p>plastic grocery bags and one big paper grocery bag. JERRY is carrying </p>
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<p>none and is pretending to not notice the discrepancy.]</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Good shave today..</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>[wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really
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I'm </p>
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<p>fine.</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little..</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Can we rest here a second.</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>[pause] Yeah, I guess.</p>
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<p>[She sits on the stairs of a small entryway.]</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>.. So how's Noreen?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Mm! She's got a new boyfriend: Paul.</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Already? That was fast.. I assume he's not a High Talker..</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>No, but, he has, The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone,
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he </p>
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<p>won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes
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of </p>
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<p>chit-chat.</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>A Long Talker.</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Yeah! But he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone:
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I </p>
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<p>just hang up.</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>[pause] All right; let's move it out.</p>
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<p>[ELAINE gets her bags.]</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Hey, isn't that George's father?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Oh, yeah, it is! Should we say hello?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of
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context.</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>That man he's with: is he wearing a cape?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I believe he is wearing a cape.</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy.</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other
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side of </p>
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<p>the street. Cover me.</p>
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<p>[ELAINE positions the bags to cover her face and upper body. JERRY
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walks </p>
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<p>by her so he's out of view, too.]</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>[End of Intro-- time: 1:23]</p>
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<p>[Commercial Break] </p>
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<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>[JERRY and ELAINE arrive at JERRY's "house."]</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Just, ah, plop it on the counter there. </p>
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<p>[ELAINE drops one bag deliberately and throws the others on the
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counter. </p>
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<p>He hadn't helped her at all on the way--payback time. Then, during
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the </p>
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<p>following, she spends a lot of time looking for food in the bags
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and </p>
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<p>puts some in one bag--presumably hers.]</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Oh! I got a message. [presses button on phone machine]</p>
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<p>GEORGE</p>
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<p>[on tape] Hey, it's George. I got nothin' to say.. [beeeep]</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>That sounds Urgent..</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Let me call him back.. </p>
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<p>Hello?? Who is this?</p>
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<p>Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number.</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Donna Chang?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>[is redialing] Should've talked to her; I love Chinese women.</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Isn't that a little racist?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>If I like their race, how can that be racist?..</p>
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<p>Hellooo??..</p>
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<p>Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!..</p>
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<p>Yyy-yes, I am calling George.. </p>
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<p>Oh, the lines are crossed; you're getting his calls. Well, what
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do you </p>
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<p>know?!</p>
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<p>[KRAMER comes in. He's got a bottle of water. JERRY stays on the
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line to </p>
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<p>chat with Donna.]</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>So listen..</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>I'm goin' through this stuff like water.. [to JERRY] Who you talkin'
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to?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>He's on with a Chinese woman.</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>Oooo, ooooo. You know, I dig Asian women. [a little distracted,
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pulling </p>
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<p>down his underwear in back, through his pants]</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>You got a.. comfort problem there?</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>Yeah, I think these Jockeys shrunk.</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>I thought you wore silk underwear.</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>No. Well, you know, I wore 'em for about a month but I couldn't
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stay </p>
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<p>with it. Yeah, I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. [he's serious. </p>
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<p>Then he makes a hand gesture of grabbing up.] My boys need a house.</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>[not charmed..] That's nice. </p>
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<p>Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever want to have kids you shouldn't </p>
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<p>wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>Sperm count?</p>
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<p>Well how many ssssperm should I have?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>A lot.</p>
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<p>[JERRY comes back. He'd wandered into the bedroom and is now off
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the </p>
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<p>phone.]</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I got a date!</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>With the Chinese woman?!</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date
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ever </p>
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<p>with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>No, why should I? I wear boxers.</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>You ever get a woman pregnant?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed..</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>What would you say if I told you, "I never impregnated a woman"?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??..</p>
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<p>Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women, I--</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>A lot of 'em! [wild gesture, freaked out]</p>
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<p>Do you think maybe I'm.. Depleted??!!</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Well, I'm sure you're not.. Totally Depleted.</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>Well, but what if I am? I'm the last male Kramer! We're facing
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extinction!</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Well, go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>Yeah, but then I'd have to.. well, you know.. into a cup? In the
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middle </p>
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<p>of the day??</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Does that conflict with your regular schedule?</p>
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<p>[KRAMER, distracted, leaves.]</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>[going to the phone, she's been eating chips from small package
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of them] </p>
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<p>All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again.</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>She suggested it!</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese..</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>She's very assimilated.</p>
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<p>[Elaine's on the phone--we hear a male, "Hello?" on the
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other end. </p>
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<p>ELAINE quickly hangs up.]</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>Paul again?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>[matter of fact] You can't get one ring past him.</p>
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<p>[GEORGE comes in.]</p>
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<p>GEORGE</p>
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<p>Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?!</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman!</p>
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<p>GEORGE</p>
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<p>Uh?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>[coming toward GEORGE to sit over by JERRY, who's on the arm of
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the </p>
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<p>couch. GEORGE is standing.] Hey, George, we saw your father on
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the </p>
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<p>street before.</p>
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<p>GEORGE</p>
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<p>What's he doin' in the city today?</p>
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<p>[They both shrug.]</p>
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<p>GEORGE</p>
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<p>You didn't ask him?</p>
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<p>[They both shake heads no. Elaine's eating chips.]</p>
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<p>GEORGE</p>
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<p>You didn't say hello?</p>
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<p>ELAINE</p>
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<p>Well, he was with someone.</p>
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<p>A man.. In a cape.</p>
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<p>GEORGE</p>
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<p>Why was he wearing a cape?..</p>
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<p>[ELAINE and JERRY shrug.]</p>
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<p>GEORGE</p>
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<p>Was my father wearing a cape?</p>
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<p>JERRY</p>
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<p>No. Jacket and tie: no cape.</p>
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<p>GEORGE</p>
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<p>Huh.. Cape.. [turns, slowly goes to door] W--a man with a cape
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doin' </p>
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<p>with my father?.. What was my father doing with a man in a cape?
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.. </p>
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<p>[opens door] Why a cape? [out the door and gone]</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>[Fertility clinic. In an examination room. Kramer's waiting. The
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DOCTOR </p>
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<p>comes in.]</p>
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<p>DOCTOR</p>
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<p>The results of your sperm test are in.</p>
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<p>Well, ummm.. Are you planning to start a family?</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>Yes! I would like to! Very much!..</p>
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<p>Well, I'm low, now, aren't I? I ca--I can feel it!...</p>
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<p>DOCTOR</p>
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<p>Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low.</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
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<p>Ohhh. Man!! It's over! The Kramer name is finished! I'm never goin'
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to </p>
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<p>procreate! I--</p>
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<p>DOCTOR</p>
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<p>Hey--that's not necessarily true. There are measures you can take
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to </p>
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<p>improve your fertility.</p>
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<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>All right, all right. What. What. You tell me; I'll do anything.
|
|
Come </p>
|
|
<p>on, Doc, tell me.</p>
|
|
<p>DOCTOR</p>
|
|
<p>First thing: you should wear boxer shorts.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>All the time?</p>
|
|
<p>DOCTOR</p>
|
|
<p>All the time. Ya have to get off Jockeys right away.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah, but I've always worn Jockeys.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[At Elaine's. She's in her robe and talking on the phone, blowing
|
|
a hair </p>
|
|
<p>dryer onto the phone.]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Hi Paul! It's Elaine calling!</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone so I don't really have time
|
|
to talk.</p>
|
|
<p>Is, is, uh, Noreen there?!.. Oh. She's not?! Okay, great. Well
|
|
you can </p>
|
|
<p>just tell her I called, then, an'-- </p>
|
|
<p>Well, yes. It has been unseasonably cool lately..</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, okay, well, I'm pulling up to the building now. So, I'm gonna..</p>
|
|
<p>[a little later, is sitting] Yeah, I took 20%, too..</p>
|
|
<p>Uuum. Look it's uh.. [turns hair dryer on and off] Paul. The..
|
|
car.. </p>
|
|
<p>seems to be running out of gas. .. I'm gonna.. have to get off
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>phone. [hangs up]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Night. The Hunan Balcony. Jerry's in the waiting area, in a good
|
|
mood, </p>
|
|
<p>sitting next to a GUY.]</p>
|
|
<p>HOSTESS</p>
|
|
<p>Just let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Yes, I will.</p>
|
|
<p>GUY</p>
|
|
<p>[indicating a cigarette] Mind?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[good mood] No--go ahead--I second-hand smoke two packs a day.</p>
|
|
<p>[DONNA CHANG walks up. She's not oriental. But is good-looking.]</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] 'scuse me?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Hi. Sorry I'm late.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Who're you?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>I'm Donna Chang..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[stands, in shock, it's not sinking in] What do you mean?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>I mean: I'm Donna Chang.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] You're Donna Chang?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Did you think I was Chinese?..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Oh. No. Oh, you mean because of the "Chang"?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>I didn't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>It used to be "Changstein."</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Day. At Jerry's, ELAINE and JERRY. She's making herself a bowl
|
|
of </p>
|
|
<p>Raisin Bran.]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>She's not Chinese?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>No. Not Chinese.</p>
|
|
<p>Not even Asian.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>So. What is she?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Well, she's.. like you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] Oh, how.. disappointed you must have been. [walks to couch,
|
|
with </p>
|
|
<p>her cereal]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she
|
|
likes</p>
|
|
<p>people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always </p>
|
|
<p>introduces herself as "Donna Chang,"..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>So why're you seeing her again..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Well, she is a woman.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Really?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Well, maybe.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[sits on couch as something occurs to him] Hey, wouldn't it be
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
funny if </p>
|
|
<p>Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] What do you mean?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy.. hangin' up because
|
|
he </p>
|
|
<p>was having an affair with Noreen?</p>
|
|
<p>[As ELAINE considers the implications, KRAMER comes in. he's got
|
|
a pile</p>
|
|
<p>of underwear in his hands.]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Here. Take my Jockey shorts.</p>
|
|
<p>[JERRY leaps up and KRAMER's following him as JERRY walks backward </p>
|
|
<p>around the apartment during the following.]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Whoa! Whoa!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>What is that?!!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Wha--you have a low sperm count?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Nnnoo--I don't want 'em.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I
|
|
have one </p>
|
|
<p>pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Look! I don't want 'em!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>All it takes is one pair! Now, come on!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house!</p>
|
|
<p>[KRAMER's put the pile on Jerry's table and is grabbing at his
|
|
own </p>
|
|
<p>pants.]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that--they're baggin'
|
|
up, </p>
|
|
<p>they're rising in! An' there's nothing holding me in place! I'm
|
|
flip</p>
|
|
<p>pin'! I'm floppin'!</p>
|
|
<p>[ELAINE's distracted by disgust.]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' crazy in these things! [leaves]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY </p>
|
|
<p>[calmly turns back to The Pile on his table] Well. I'm gonna have
|
|
to </p>
|
|
<p>move now.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[At Monk's. GEORGE and his FATHER at a booth.]</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>Ya know what I like about Manhattan? There's no mosquitoes.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Plenty of mosquitoes.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>Queens is full of mosquitoes.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>So, Dad..</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>Gnats, too. If I'm not mistaken.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Dad! I heard you were in the city the other day!</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>Your mother has to tell you every move I make!?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>No.. Jerry and Elaine saw you.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>They didn't say hello?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Well, they were in a rush.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>They couldn't just say hello?! .. Oh, to hell with them.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>They, uh.. said you were with some guy who was wearing a cape,
|
|
ha ha.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine, I can see, not sayin' hello. She's very--what's the </p>
|
|
<p>word--supercilious.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>So Dad.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>How could Jerry not say Hello?!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Night. At Jerry's with he and DONNA CHANG. She's on the couch
|
|
and he's </p>
|
|
<p>drying the dishes. She's just hung up the phone.]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>So did they, uh, uncross the lines, yet?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>No. They can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous(sic).</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[long pause--did he hear "ridicurous"(sic)--should he
|
|
say something--can't </p>
|
|
<p>decide if he should. finally..] Did you say, "ridicurous"(sis)?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Ridiculous.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] I thought you said.. "ridicurous."(sic) [he and
|
|
she look at each </p>
|
|
<p>other, puzzled.]</p>
|
|
<p>[GEORGE comes in.]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, what are you doing here?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, I wanted to, [notices DONNA] talk to you--I'm sorry, I--didn't
|
|
know </p>
|
|
<p>you had company. [JERRY indicates he should stay] Hi, uh, I'm George. </p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Oh! Hi! [they shake hands] I'm Donna Chang. [GEORGE to himself
|
|
registers </p>
|
|
<p>that as weird, is heading to the kitchen.] </p>
|
|
<p>I just spoke to your mother before.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] You spoke to my mother?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>She was trying to call you, but--</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>The rines(sic) were crossed?</p>
|
|
<p>[They both look at him weird.]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Did you say, "The rines(sic) were crossed?"</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Did I?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] George, she's so sweet. We talked for an hour!</p>
|
|
<p>Anyway, I'm really sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Sorry? Why sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Well, she told me she and your father are getting divorced.</p>
|
|
<p>[JERRY and DONNA watch as GEORGE immediately and ritually goes
|
|
to the </p>
|
|
<p>oven, turns on the gas, opens the door and sticks his head in it.]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[End of Act I-- time: 10:18]</p>
|
|
<p>[Commercial Break] </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Same night, at Jerry's apartment--Donna's left. Elaine's there.]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Divorced. That's really too bad..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty
|
|
years</p>
|
|
<p>ago. He could have been normal.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>[coming out of bathroom] Oh my God! You know what I just realized?!
|
|
If </p>
|
|
<p>they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice
|
|
as many </p>
|
|
<p>visits!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>I never thought of that.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Imagine if I had to see them both on the same day? [mirthless]
|
|
Haha! </p>
|
|
<p>It's like runnin' the double marathon!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Hey George, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Have you ever spent any time with these people..?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>You know what this has to do with? The man in the cape--I bet you
|
|
he is </p>
|
|
<p>mixed up in this!</p>
|
|
<p>I don't trust men in capes.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>You can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin'
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>cape. .. Superman wore a cape.. An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna
|
|
stand</p>
|
|
<p>here an' let you say something bad about him.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>All right Superman's the exception.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>[has been watching that with amazed disbelief]</p>
|
|
<p>[KRAMER enters.]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, hey! Elaine, I just heard that Noreen and Paul are breaking
|
|
up. I </p>
|
|
<p>want you to put in a good word for me. [to JERRY] I've always had
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>thing for Noreen.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, Kramer. You don't understand. This could be my fault.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through
|
|
my </p>
|
|
<p>fingers this time. Nooope. [walking around at ease, some dancy
|
|
moves]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>You went back to the Jockeys?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Wrong again.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] Oh, no.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>What? What?..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Don't you see what's goin' on here??? .. No boxers, no Jockeys..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Eeaawww...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer, say it isn't so.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, it be so.</p>
|
|
<p>I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Don't you need a little.. help?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Surprisingly, no. I'm freee, I'm unfettered.. [opens door to leave, </p>
|
|
<p>still very happy, then:] I'm like a naked innocent boy rrroamin'
|
|
the </p>
|
|
<p>countryside!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Day. At Monk's. ELAINE and NOREEN are sitting at the counter.
|
|
We're </p>
|
|
<p>looking straight at them.]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Well, you guys are tryin' to work it out! That's great!..</p>
|
|
<p>NOREEN</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah, well.. We're trying.. He just went insane there for a while..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, he went insane?..</p>
|
|
<p>NOREEN</p>
|
|
<p>Believe it or not: Paul was convinced I was having an affair because </p>
|
|
<p>somebody kept calling and hanging up whenever he answered! What
|
|
kind of </p>
|
|
<p>a Sick Person calls and hangs up over and over?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>[awkward, defensive yet hypothetical, avoids eye contact] Well.
|
|
Uh. I </p>
|
|
<p>don't know about sick. I mean, maybe it was somebody who, didn't
|
|
wanna, </p>
|
|
<p>talk to whoever was answering because whoever was answering was
|
|
always </p>
|
|
<p>making, boring chit-chat, an' was completely oblivious to the fact
|
|
that </p>
|
|
<p>the person who was calling, didn't want to speak to them, ah!</p>
|
|
<p>NOREEN</p>
|
|
<p>[has been growing increasingly slackjawed in amazement] I can't
|
|
believe</p>
|
|
<p>that was you..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>[looks at NOREEN] I'm really sorry, Noreen..</p>
|
|
<p>NOREEN</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] So you thought he was boring?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Hey! Noreen! Don't go by me! Ha ha.</p>
|
|
<p>NOREEN</p>
|
|
<p>[reconsidering Paul's worthiness.]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Day. JERRY and ELAINE at Jerry's apartment.]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship </p>
|
|
<p>you've ruined for her in a few weeks!!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>I know--</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Well, Jer--I got confused, they sound exactly the same.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life.
|
|
Miraculously meets: A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as
|
|
they're </p>
|
|
<p>reconciling, you announce to the world: He's Boring.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>[apologetically] I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman! </p>
|
|
<p>Anything you say she does!</p>
|
|
<p>[Door bell buzzes. JERRY goes over, hits the button.]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>It's Donna Chang.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[hits button] Come on up.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Well, I guess I just didn't realize it..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Well, let's look back on your history with this woman. Okay?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Okay..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>First, you encouraged her to join: The Army. .. She did. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>She was lost..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Then: you suggest she goes.. AWOL! She did!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Well, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>You know.. You better make sure you never tell this woman to jump
|
|
off </p>
|
|
<p>the Brooklyn Bridge..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>If I have this much influence over her, why don't I just call her
|
|
an' </p>
|
|
<p>tell her to get back together with him--that's aalll!</p>
|
|
<p>[DONNA CHANG comes in briskly, good mood.]</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine..</p>
|
|
<p>[At the same time--DONNA: Helllo..--ELAINE: Hi! Good to meet you.]</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>[to JERRY] Guess what? Mrs. Costanza called me, they're not getting </p>
|
|
<p>divorced.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Why? What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Well, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we
|
|
spoke for </p>
|
|
<p>an hour, she changed her mind!!!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Wow! That's amazing!</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Anyway, she wants to meet me! She invited me over for dinner! She
|
|
said </p>
|
|
<p>you should come too.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Tonight?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah--I just remembered: I'm gonna have to cancel my acupuncture
|
|
class. </p>
|
|
<p>[goes to phone]</p>
|
|
<p>[Behind her, JERRY and ELAINE slowly exchange looks.]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Same day. At the Costanzas', are GEORGE, FRANK, and ESTELLE--GEORGE </p>
|
|
<p>just entered. ESTELLE's snacking watching TV.]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>All right. Let me just say one thing: there is no way that this
|
|
is goin' </p>
|
|
<p>to happen. No Way! Because if you think I'm going' to two Thanksgivings, </p>
|
|
<p>you're out of your minds!!!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>[calmly] We're not getting divorced.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>You mother changed her mind.. [tries to catch a fly with his hand]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>[glee!] Ya-De! That's Goood! That's Very good! I'm very glad to
|
|
hear </p>
|
|
<p>that.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah. We worked it out.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>All right. So let me ask you a question. Who was the man in the
|
|
cape?</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>He was my lawyer.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>You lawyer wears a cape..?</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah. So what?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Who wears a cape?</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>He's very independent; doesn't follow the trends.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>He looks ridiculous in that thing..</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>You have no eye for fashion!!!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>I have no eye for fashion?!?!?!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>All right! Come on! </p>
|
|
<p>Let's not fight.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK and ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>All right! All right!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>Georgie's right.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>So what made you change your mind?</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>It was that Chinese woman.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[In Jerry's car. Jerry's driving, DONNA CHANG is with him.]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>So I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her
|
|
mind?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>I mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] Confucius, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] You know, you're not Chinese...</p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[The Costanzas again. They open the door for JERRY and DONNA.]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Hey! I heard the good news!</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: how come you didn't say hello to me the other day, huh?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine was.. in a rush.</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>I knew it was Elaine!!</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>You must be Estelle.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>Yes. Who are you..?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>I'm Donna Chang!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>You're not Chinese!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Meanwhile, in Noreen's apartment. NOREEN and KRAMER are sitting
|
|
on the </p>
|
|
<p>couch when the phone rings. KRAMER picks it up. Scene cuts back
|
|
and </p>
|
|
<p>forth between ELAINE and them.]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Paul?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] Yeahh!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>What're you doin' there?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Wellll, isn't it obvious?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Uh! Ah, is Noreen there?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Yes, she is..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Well? Can I talk to her?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>What? Am I, tooo.. boring for you?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>[tired] Fine--would you just put her on?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Well, I feel it'd be best if you just didn't talk to her for a
|
|
while..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>You feel?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>That's right!</p>
|
|
<p>She an' I have had a very long talk. An' I was appalled to learn
|
|
of the </p>
|
|
<p>destructive influence you've had over her life lo these many years..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>What are you insane?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>From now, on, I'll be calling the shots around here..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Oh! Haha. An' what're you gonna tell her?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Well. I've encouraged her to go back into the Army..</p>
|
|
<p>There she'll get the structure an' the discipline she needs right
|
|
now.. </p>
|
|
<p>And she'll have qualified officers telling her what to do..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>Uh! Kramer! You have got to let me talk to her!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Can't help ya, kid.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Back at the Costanzas'. Still daylight.]</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>You're not Chinese!?!?</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] No.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>I thought you were Chinese!!</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>I'm from Long Island.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>Long Island?!?!</p>
|
|
<p>I thought I was gettin' advice from a Chinese woman!!</p>
|
|
<p>DONNA</p>
|
|
<p>I'm sorry..?</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>Well! Then, that changes everything!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>What?!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>She's not Chinese; I was duped!!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>So what?! She gave you advice; what's the difference if she's not
|
|
Chi</p>
|
|
<p>nese?!?!</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE</p>
|
|
<p>I'm not taking advice from some girl from Long Island!! [goes into </p>
|
|
<p>kitchen]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>[chases her] Wait a minute! You're--now you're getting a divorce
|
|
because </p>
|
|
<p>she's from Long Island?!?!</p>
|
|
<p>FRANK</p>
|
|
<p>[from the living room, standing, shouts after them] You want a </p>
|
|
<p>divorce?!!? You got one!!!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[pause, to DONNA] You know, you might wanna think about changin'
|
|
your </p>
|
|
<p>name..</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[Day. JERRY and ELAINE, walking down the street.]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to
|
|
me!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Well--Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the </p>
|
|
<p>Chinese.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE</p>
|
|
<p>[pause] You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. </p>
|
|
<p>I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with
|
|
that in </p>
|
|
<p>any other restaurant.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>[has just bought a newspaper out of a machine] Yeah, no one's reading </p>
|
|
<p>any rolled-up messages in a knish..</p>
|
|
<p>[A cab pulls up and GEORGE gets out.]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, it had to happen!! I knew it!!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY</p>
|
|
<p>Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE</p>
|
|
<p>I predicted it! [hits cab roof twice, it drives off]</p>
|
|
<p>Saw both of them today!</p>
|
|
<p>What a disaster!</p>
|
|
<p>I'm runnin' all over Queens. First I saw my mother. We had lunch</p>
|
|
<p>together. Never had, Lunch, with my mother before--it's like a
|
|
date!</p>
|
|
<p>Then we drive down to Kew Gardens! Tons of traffic! I see my father.
|
|
We </p>
|
|
<p>played "Clue"! All day with this!</p>
|
|
<p>[KRAMER sticks his head out of his (or Jerry's) apartment window,
|
|
shouts </p>
|
|
<p>down to them.]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER</p>
|
|
<p>Hey, Jerry! Guess what! The Kramer name might live on! Noreen's
|
|
late! </p>
|
|
<p>She's laaate!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[End of Act II time: 9:18]</p>
|
|
<p>[Commercial Break] </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>[During credit roll. Night on the Brooklyn Bridge. NOREEN peers
|
|
over the </p>
|
|
<p>edge, the wind blowing up on her face. Then a man in a black cape
|
|
edges </p>
|
|
<p>over to her cautiously, reaches and holds her forearm.]</p>
|
|
<p>NOREEN</p>
|
|
<p>Who are you?!</p>
|
|
<p>MAN</p>
|
|
<p>[calmly, businesslike] I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer. [he helps her
|
|
get </p>
|
|
<p>back off (and out of view of the camera).]</p>
|
|
<p>[The End-- Total transcript time: 21:22] </p>
|
|
<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
|
|
<p>Return to The Television Transcript Project</p>
|
|
<p>Comments to smorine@nyx.net</p>
|
|
<p>Last Updated: 3 June, 1997</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
|
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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