883 lines
48 KiB
HTML
883 lines
48 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Contest</h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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Written by: Larry David</p>
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<p>Directed by: Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: November 18, 1992 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Estelle Harris (as Mrs. Costanza),</p>
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<p>and Jane Leeves (as Marla).</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]</p>
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<p>(Jerry and Kramer are sitting opposite Elaine at a booth, eating
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lunch)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Mm-hm.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Smiling, chewing) Who, me?</p>
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<p>JERRY: You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're
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chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think
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they would ever consider doing</p>
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<p>the laundry?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks,
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your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it
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off, take it off!</p>
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<p>(Jerry and Elaine both laugh at Kramer's impression as George slowly
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enters. He's in a melancholy state)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, Georgie.</p>
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<p>JERRY AND ELAINE: Hi.</p>
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<p>(George sits down next to Elaine - opposite Kramer)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (To George) What's the matter?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: "Caught" you? Doing what?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone..</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Nods) Uh-huh.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Laughing) She caught you?</p>
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<p>(Elaine laughs with Kramer)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Where?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house
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to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody
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was there - they're supposed</p>
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<p>to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying
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the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through
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it..</p>
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<p>JERRY: "Glamour"?</p>
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<p>(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: ..So, one thing lead to another..</p>
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<p>JERRY: So, what did she do?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My
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God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started
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clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.</p>
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<p>KRMAER: (Reflecting on the story so far) Man..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling,
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or zip up.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What did you do?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I zipped up!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Wide-eyed) So, she fell?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he
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gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, I guess you couldn't have..</p>
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<p>JERRY: (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't
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think so.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Finishing it off) ..done that.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My
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back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Between chuckles) How is she?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Somewhat angered) She's in traction.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: It's not funny, Elaine.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of
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days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George,
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why?!".. I said, "Because it's</p>
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<p>there!"</p>
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<p>(Kramer laughs, sipping his drink)</p>
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<p>JERRY: "Glamour"?</p>
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<p>(Elaine laughs)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never
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doing.. that , again.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Definite) All together.</p>
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<p>(The next three lines are said at the exact same time)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, gimme a break..</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, like you're gonna stop?</p>
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<p>JERRY AND ELAINE: C'mon..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You don't think I can?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No chance.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Daring) You think you could?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Care to make it interesting?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Sure, how much?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: A hundred dollars.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Pointing) You're on.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in
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on this. (Clicks his tongue)</p>
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<p>JERRY: You?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You'll be out before we get the check.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too.</p>
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<p>GEORGE AND JERRY: (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no..</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Why?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges..</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent)
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Why?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Because you're a woman!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: So what?</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Sarcastic) Oh.</p>
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<p>JERRY: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like,
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uh.. shaving.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Making a point) Not everyday.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Alright, look, you want to be in?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta
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put up two-hundred dollars.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, a thousand!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Alright, you're in for one-fifty.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine
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slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within
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the confines of the honor system.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table)</p>
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<p>(Jerry, Elaine, and George all hook their pinkies onto his, in
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a 'pinkie promise', they all pull their hand away, yelling out "Yeah!")</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry's sitting on the couch, eating cereal while George is on
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the phone with his mother)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I
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don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright,
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I'll see you later. Yes, of course</p>
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<p>I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the
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coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to
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see a psychiatrist now. Why?!</p>
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<p>Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if
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everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing,
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he snorts)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Defensively) Whatever.</p>
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<p>(Intercom buzzes, Jerry gets up to answer it)</p>
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<p>JERRY: How is she?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital
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to see her tonight.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Answering to the intercom) Yeah?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: It's me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey, what are you doing tonight?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, the virgin?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just
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waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.</p>
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<p>(Kramer enters, heading for Jerry's window)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across
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the street.</p>
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<p>(George and Jerry quickly join him at the window)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Where?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on
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the left?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (In awe) Wow!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?!</p>
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<p>(All eyes are glued to the woman)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist
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colony people..</p>
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<p>KRAMER: ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out
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Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts
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the door behind him)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies,
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do they eat naked in the dining room?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I would imagine it's all naked.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners
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naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One
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big nude-a-rama.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>(Elaine enters)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY AND GEORGE: (Only turning back for a second) Hey.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Over his shoulder) Not me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Also, over his shoulder) Not me.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What're you looking at?</p>
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<p>JERRY: There's a naked woman across the street.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money
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I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried,
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Joyce, is teaching an aerobics</p>
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<p>class. I'm gonna go tonight.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it
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back.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So
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then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to
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go on the space shuttle. We're goin'</p>
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<p>to Mars.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Have a good time.</p>
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<p>(Kramer casually enters, takes a few step toward the kitchen, and
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slaps a wad of bills onto the counter)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Declaring) I'm out!</p>
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<p>(Kramer now has the attention of everyone in the room. Jerry's
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mouth is open in shock. A moment passes)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're out?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, that was fast!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You
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know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks
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out, shutting the door</p>
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<p>behind him)</p>
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<p>(Jerry, Elaine, and George all look at each other, reflecting)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: ..And then there were three.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Hospital room]</p>
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<p>(Estelle is on a hospital bed. George, sitting back in a chair,
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is visiting her)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing
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better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a
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quart of milk, I come home, and find</p>
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<p>my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma.</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't
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hit the table. I could of cracked my head open.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ma, people can hear you.</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living.
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You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square
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Garden. Thousands of</p>
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<p>people could watch you! You could be a big star!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough!</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: I want you to go see a psychiatrist.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: Why? Why not?! Why won't you go?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Like a kid) Because I don't want to.</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: I want you to go see somebody.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, I am not going.</p>
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<p>ESTELLE: It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.</p>
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<p>(George's cousin, Shelly, enters)</p>
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<p>SHELLY: Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police
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investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive
|
|
the experience now?!</p>
|
|
<p>(On the other side of a curtain divider, the silhouette of a shapely
|
|
nurse can be seen entering)</p>
|
|
<p>NURSE: Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath.</p>
|
|
<p>(The shadow of a patient awakening can be seen)</p>
|
|
<p>DENISE: Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep.</p>
|
|
<p>(The two women go about preparing the sponge bath. George is visibly
|
|
affected - breathing heavily, and staring at them through the curtain)</p>
|
|
<p>SHELLY: (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider)
|
|
So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television,
|
|
writing - thing?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the
|
|
conversation) Yeah.. television.</p>
|
|
<p>(The patient, Denise, is trying to get her gown off)</p>
|
|
<p>NURSE: Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your
|
|
head..</p>
|
|
<p>DENISE: Oh.. thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>SHELLY: (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna
|
|
wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely
|
|
mesmerized)</p>
|
|
<p>What is it you're doing, exactly?</p>
|
|
<p>(A moment passes. George seems not to have heard his cousin)</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: New York Health Club]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine, dressed for a work-out, is signing forms while talking
|
|
with her friend, Joyce)</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: So, when was the last time you took a class?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, it's been a while.</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: (Overly excited) Are you psyched?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched.</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why is that?</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See
|
|
the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts?</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine looks over, and her jaw drops to the floor. Breathless,
|
|
she turns back to her friend)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy
|
|
Junior's here!</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: He's gonna be in your class today.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's
|
|
gonna be in my class?!</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great
|
|
butt.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's car]</p>
|
|
<p>(Stationary, Jerry's girlfriend, Marla, and him are making out.
|
|
After some deep kissing, Marla breaks away)</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: Let's slow it down a little.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: "Slow it down"?</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ah, yeah.. I know.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: You're okay with that, right?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about
|
|
the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean
|
|
anything to me. (Faint) I don't</p>
|
|
<p>care about that.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: Alright, then. Good night.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not
|
|
just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's bedroom]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry, in the middle of the night, is moving around - unable to
|
|
get to sleep, he's restless. Scene cuts to George. He's wide awake,
|
|
and staring at the ceiling. Cut to</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine. She's settling into bed, unable to get to sleep. The scene
|
|
takes a final cut to Kramer. He's sound asleep)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's in a grouchy mood. Kramer enters)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Out of it) Yeah, good morning.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns
|
|
toward Jerry's window)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She's not there. She's doin' her wash.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through
|
|
the night?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: So, you're still master of your domain.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my
|
|
domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to (Gestures to
|
|
the nudist) her apartment, and</p>
|
|
<p>I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't
|
|
sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls.
|
|
Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in</p>
|
|
<p>this contest - something's gotta give!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry
|
|
puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked,
|
|
and you want to tell her to</p>
|
|
<p>stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens-
|
|
I'm not gonna let you do it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This
|
|
is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys,
|
|
looking through our</p>
|
|
<p>bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman
|
|
out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come
|
|
true, and you want to (Makes a</p>
|
|
<p>noise) throw it away?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Look, I'm sorry-</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my
|
|
sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on.
|
|
Please, Jerry. Please! I'm</p>
|
|
<p>beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!</p>
|
|
<p>(A pause as Jerry thinks it over)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright.. (Takes his coat off)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ..Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you.
|
|
(Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She's not there!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I can wait..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and George are sitting opposite each other in a booth)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then
|
|
I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going
|
|
nuts.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry nods)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Arms out) I am king of the county. You?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Lord of the manor.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine enters and sits next to Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: Really? Did you talk to him?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in
|
|
front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk
|
|
to the door so we'd get there at</p>
|
|
<p>the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of
|
|
what he said) "Quite a workout."</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah."</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Adding, fake praise) Good one.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed,
|
|
and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath)
|
|
So we're walkin' and</p>
|
|
<p>talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine -
|
|
but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me: "Do
|
|
you wanna split a cab uptown?"</p>
|
|
<p>And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown.
|
|
So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin',
|
|
right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior</p>
|
|
<p>we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where
|
|
do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block,
|
|
so I said your building. So he</p>
|
|
<p>dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the
|
|
way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water
|
|
and presses it up to her</p>
|
|
<p>forehead to cool her off) Oh, God..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a
|
|
piece of food into her mouth)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Estelle's hospital room]</p>
|
|
<p>(George quickly runs in, turning around - he checks both his watch
|
|
and the wall clock. He smiles to himself)</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: You're back.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's
|
|
in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you?</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner.
|
|
I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the
|
|
deli and get me a</p>
|
|
<p>sandwich..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A
|
|
little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the
|
|
divider in anticipation)</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry.
|
|
I'm weak.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a
|
|
little time with you.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting
|
|
hours are almost over!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out
|
|
of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs.</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm
|
|
sorry you came.</p>
|
|
<p>(Nurse enters)</p>
|
|
<p>NURSE: (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath.</p>
|
|
<p>(George eagerly takes his seat, looking up at their shadows on
|
|
the divider)</p>
|
|
<p>ESTELLE: George.. I'm huuunnnggry!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: New York Health Club]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine, dressed to impress, walks up to the counter. She's obviously
|
|
looking around for JFK Jr.)</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: Hi!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: Did you get your hair done today?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking
|
|
around, she quickly checks her breath)</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today.
|
|
(Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression
|
|
on him yesterday.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an
|
|
impression? What impression?</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts
|
|
away)</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine violently grabs her jacket, pulling Joyce back in her direction)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?!</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: (Uneasy) He asked about you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about
|
|
me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What
|
|
did he say?</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: He wanted to know your situation.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Quick) What situation? I have a situation?</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: I-I told him you were single.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: That was good. That was very good.</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: He said you were just his type.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to
|
|
hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt
|
|
me.</p>
|
|
<p>JOYCE: He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood
|
|
tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your
|
|
building if you want to</p>
|
|
<p>come down and say hello.</p>
|
|
<p>(Breathless, Elaine almost collapses)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer's at the window while Jerry's on the phone with his mother,
|
|
watching TV)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm
|
|
watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid
|
|
shows. They have a very innocent,</p>
|
|
<p>wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
|
|
(Hangs up)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's
|
|
good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there..
|
|
(Jerry looks back at</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little
|
|
bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good..
|
|
yes, yes, yes..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with
|
|
the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round,
|
|
round and round. The</p>
|
|
<p>wheels on the bus..</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer joins in with Jerry, only, he has a different version)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on,
|
|
nothing on..</p>
|
|
<p>(Both Kramer and Jerry continue to sing the two different versions,
|
|
trying to over ride the other)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: George's room]</p>
|
|
<p>(George is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Scene cuts to Jerry.
|
|
Once again, he's restless and flings the covers off him. Scene cuts
|
|
to Kramer - he's out like a light.</p>
|
|
<p>The scene takes a final cut to Elaine. Foreshadowing the next scene,
|
|
she's sound asleep too)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and George. They're bickering at each other due to the lack
|
|
of sex)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real
|
|
coffee?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the
|
|
outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Through intercom) It's Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Where did you get those socks?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I think those are my socks!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How are these your socks?!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just
|
|
like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep
|
|
one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They
|
|
looked so good to me, I just had to</p>
|
|
<p>have them!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, well, they're my socks!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They're my socks!</p>
|
|
<p>(A brief moment passes as they look at each other)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh boy..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What are we doing here..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: ..Oh boy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: This is ridiculous.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine slowly enters, shutting the door behind her)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts
|
|
to count it up)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Shocked) You caved?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's over?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You're out?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine sets the bills down on the counter)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It was..uh.. John-John.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY AND GEORGE: Ohhhhh.. John-John.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But you made it through the day before.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher,
|
|
that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why outside here?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a
|
|
cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up.</p>
|
|
<p>(George picks up the money, counting it)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And then, (Smacks the money) there were two.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and Marla are making out on the couch)</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: Let's go in the bedroom.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You sure?</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You really want to?</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: I do. I'm ready.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Okay..</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: I know how difficult this must have been for you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it.</p>
|
|
<p>(They both laugh slightly)</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: What do you mean?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, it's kinda silly, but..</p>
|
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<p>(Scene cuts to Elaine on the sidewalk waiting for JFK Jr. She checks
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her watch. Scene cuts back to Jerry's apartment. Marla, obviously
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upset, is putting her coat</p>
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<p>on)</p>
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<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>MARLA: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with
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George and his mother-</p>
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<p>MARLA: I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close
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I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.</p>
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<p>(She leaves, slamming the door. Jerry hangs his head, then directs
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his attention to his window. Eagerly walking over, he sits in his
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chair, staring at the woman)</p>
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<p>(Scene cuts to Elaine. Marla walks out in front of her, trying
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to hail a taxi)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you-</p>
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<p>MARLA: I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted
|
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friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me!
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You're horrible.</p>
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|
<p>Horrible! All of you!</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What happened?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I told her about the contest.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o.</p>
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<p>(George enters)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (To Elaine) Hey, what happened?</p>
|
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<p>ELAINE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I thought you were meeting Kennedy.</p>
|
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<p>ELAINE: (Let down) He didn't show.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, he did.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go,
|
|
I gotta go..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, no, no. He just left.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, he was talking to Marla.</p>
|
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<p>JERRY: Marla?</p>
|
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he
|
|
was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and
|
|
they just drove away.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: They drove away?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You
|
|
know, he's - he's-</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven!</p>
|
|
<p>(All three crowd around the window)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Kramer?!</p>
|
|
<p>(A brief pause)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: He's waving..</p>
|
|
<p>(All three wave back)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
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<p>[Setting: Elaine's bedroom]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine's sound asleep. Scene cuts to George, then Jerry. They
|
|
too, are sleeping. Scene takes a cut to Kramer and the nudist -
|
|
both asleep; then a final cut to Marla's</p>
|
|
<p>bedroom. She's sleeping with JFK Jr)</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: Ohh, John. That was wonderful..</p>
|
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
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<p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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