827 lines
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827 lines
40 KiB
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<h1>The Conversion</h1>
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Transcribed by: Matt Dittloff</p>
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<p>Cast:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)</p>
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<p>George Costanza Jason Alexander</p>
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<p>Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Drefus</p>
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<p>Kramer Michael Richards</p>
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<p>Guest Stars: </p>
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<p>Older Priest Kay E. Kuter</p>
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<p>Sister Roberta Molly Hagan </p>
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<p>Doctor Tom Verica </p>
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<p>Tawni Kimberley Campbell </p>
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<p>Sasha Jana Marie Hupp </p>
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<p>Younger Priest Bill Rose </p>
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<p>Waiter Randy Brenner </p>
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<p>Mrs. Lupchek Darlene Kardon </p>
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<p>Woman Hailing Cab Karen Rizzo</p>
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<p>----------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>At the Comedy Club.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation.
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But </p>
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<p>it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have
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your diploma </p>
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<p>right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn’t
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it? "I </p>
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<p>really am a doctor you know. You think I’m not, just check
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it out." I don’t </p>
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<p>know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage
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over us all the </p>
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<p>time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15
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minutes, and I’ll </p>
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<p>give you my opinion." After that, anyone that comes in with
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pants on seems </p>
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<p>like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference
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of opinion, </p>
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<p>pants always beats no-pants.</p>
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<p>(Commercial)</p>
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<p>At a restaurant.</p>
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<p>George: Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is
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</p>
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<p>unbelievable. (looks at the menu) Ooh, a little expensive. </p>
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<p>George’s girlfriend (name?): Twenty five dollars.</p>
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<p>George: Yes, well, you know, I’m not thinking about the price.
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You know </p>
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<p>you’re the only woman I’ve never thought about the price.
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Get the lobster. I </p>
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<p>beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.</p>
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<p>George’s girlfriend: George, George, uh, I think we have to
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talk. I think we </p>
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<p>have a problem. </p>
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<p>George: We do?</p>
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<p>George’s girlfriend: We can’t keep seeing each other.</p>
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<p>George: Why?</p>
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<p>George’s girlfriend: (crying) Because it’s over. *sob,
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sob, sob* It’s my </p>
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<p>parents, the differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever
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forgive me? </p>
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<p>*sob*</p>
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<p>Waiter: Uh, have you decided yet?</p>
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<p>George’s girlfriend: (crying) Yes. I’ll have the lobster.</p>
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<p>George: Um, you know I’m starting to think that maybe lobster
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isn’t the way </p>
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<p>to go.</p>
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<p>The hallway outside Jerry’s apartment.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Then he asked you out?</p>
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<p>Elaine: We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then
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he put his </p>
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<p>hand on my heart.</p>
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<p>Jerry: On your heart?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Jerry, the man is a doctor.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Doctor? He’s a podiatrist.</p>
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<p>Elaine: It’s the same thing.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Anyone can get into podiatry school. *George* got into podiatry
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</p>
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<p>school.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Really?</p>
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<p>Jerry’s girlfriend (name?): Hello.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh hi.</p>
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<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: Are you going to be stopping by later?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yes, I’ll be stopping. See you later. (to Elaine) Well
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we can’t all </p>
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<p>be dating podiatrists.</p>
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<p>They enter Jerry’s apartment.</p>
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<p>George: It’s over.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What?</p>
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<p>Jerry: How did you get in?</p>
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<p>George: Kramer.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What’s that?</p>
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<p>George: Lobster.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Looks like a swan.</p>
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<p>George: She says we can’t go out anymore.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Why?</p>
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<p>George: Because I’m not Latvian Orthodox. Her parents won’t
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let her get </p>
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<p>involved with anyone who isn’t Latvian Orthodox.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Latvian Orthodox? Mmm, it is lobster.</p>
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<p>Jerry: She’s limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.</p>
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<p>George: I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well that’s
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not </p>
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<p>entirely true.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Mmm, delicious.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Mmm, succulent.</p>
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<p>George: She knew I didn’t have a job, she knew I lived at
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home. Didn’t seem </p>
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<p>to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Why don’t you just ask her parents?</p>
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<p>George: I can’t. I met them. They’re devout. You know,
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In the cab on the </p>
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<p>way over here, I actually thought about converting.</p>
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<p>Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?</p>
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<p>George: Why not? What do I care?</p>
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<p>Jerry: You know it’s not like changing toothpaste.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I think it would be romantic.</p>
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<p>George: Really?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah, it’s like Edward the Eighth abdicating the throne
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and marrying </p>
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<p>Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.</p>
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<p>George: King Edward. King Edward, Jerry.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah well King Edward didn’t live in Queens with Frank
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and Estelle </p>
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<p>Costanza.</p>
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<p>George: You know what? I could probably do this. What’s the
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difference.</p>
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<p>Elaine: George I was just kidding around.</p>
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<p>George: No. I wouldn’t even have to tell her. I could surprise
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her.</p>
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<p>Elaine: George I wasn’t serious.</p>
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<p>George: How hard could it be? You make a little contribution, have
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a </p>
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<p>ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am *really* going to
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think about </p>
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<p>this.</p>
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<p>George leaves.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I guess this one is my fault.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh yeah.</p>
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<p>At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.</p>
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<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: *kiss, kiss, kiss* Oh that was nice. Have
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you always </p>
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<p>been such a good kisser?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh I don’t know. Not always. No I uh I had to work
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at it. When I </p>
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<p>was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my
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room </p>
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<p>practicing my kissing.</p>
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<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: Well it was worth it. *kiss* I’ll
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be *kiss* right *kiss* </p>
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<p>back *kiss*. Where are you going?</p>
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<p>Jerry: To wash my hands. They’re sticky from the orange. </p>
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<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: Meet you back here?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Right there.</p>
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<p>Jerry goes into the bathroom and washes his hands.</p>
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<p>He sees the medicine cabinet open slightly and peeks in.</p>
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<p>Jerry: (thinking to himself) "Fungicide". Fungus?</p>
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<p>At Monk’s.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Fungicide. I mean what could she have?</p>
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<p>Elaine: I don’t know.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Fungus.</p>
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<p>Elaine: So what did you say?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I
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had to go </p>
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<p>home.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I didn’t open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.</p>
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<p>Elaine: You were snooping.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was
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no breaking </p>
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<p>and entering. I wouldn’t do that.</p>
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<p>Kramer: I would. I always open medicine cabinets.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Well I trust people not to do that.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Big mistake.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Why don’t you ask that doctor what it is?</p>
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<p>Elaine: What? Now he’s a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.</p>
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<p>Jerry: But that’s what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus.
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They’re knee-</p>
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<p>deep in fungus. This guy know fungus.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I am not going to ask him about funguses.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Fungi.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Fungi.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>In the priest’s office.</p>
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<p>[boy, I am *really* bad with names on this episode… ;) ]</p>
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<p>Father-priest (name?): Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox
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faith?</p>
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<p>George: *ahem* In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man
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begins to ask </p>
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<p>himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words
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something </p>
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<p>so um… (trying to think of a word)</p>
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<p>Father-priest: Enigmatic?</p>
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<p>George: No.</p>
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<p>Father-priest: Vast? (he pronounces it as "vost")</p>
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<p>George: No not vast (he pronounces it as "vost")</p>
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<p>Father-priest: Well whatever it is, basically you like the religion.</p>
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<p>George: Yes.</p>
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<p>Father-priest 2: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find
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particularly </p>
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<p>attractive?</p>
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<p>George: (he thinks) I think the hats. The hat convey that solemn
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religious </p>
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<p>look you want in a faith. Very pious.</p>
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<p>Father-priest: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?</p>
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<p>George: Well perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know
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the basic </p>
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<p>plot. Yeah.</p>
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<p>Father-priest: Plot?</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, yeah. You know the uh flood, and the uh lepers, and
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the </p>
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<p>commandments and all that.</p>
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<p>Father-priest 2: Well it’s obvious that you are sincere in
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your desire.</p>
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<p>George: Oh yes I am Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh, pffft,
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am I in?</p>
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<p>Father-priest: The first step would be to familiarize yourself
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with these </p>
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<p>texts (brings out a pile of books).</p>
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<p>George: Ah hah. You see Father, I’m I’m incredibly anxious
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to become a </p>
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<p>member. Um, don’t you offer any kind of an express conversion?
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A quick </p>
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<p>change?</p>
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<p>Sister Roberta enters.</p>
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<p>Sister Roberta: Oh I’m sorry. Father, there’s a man waiting
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in the chapel.</p>
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<p>Father-priest: You may attend to it Sister, oh this is George Costanza.
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He </p>
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<p>is interested in joining the church.</p>
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<p>Sister Roberta: Oh are you? That’s wonderful. Well good luck
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to you.</p>
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<p>George: Nice nun.</p>
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<p>Father-priest: No, Sister Roberta is not a nun. She is what we
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call a </p>
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<p>novice.</p>
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<p>Father-priest 2: She won’t be taking her final vows until
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next Thursday.</p>
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<p>In the chapel.</p>
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<p>Sister Roberta: May I help you?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh yeah, I’m here to pick up my friend George Costanza.</p>
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<p>Sister Roberta: Well he’s in with the Father.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh yeah.</p>
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<p>Sister Roberta: I’m Sister Roberta.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh. Kramer. Pleasure.</p>
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<p>Sister Roberta: Mine. (she smiles at Kramer)</p>
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<p>At Jerry’s apartment.</p>
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<p>George: I can’t believe how easy it is. I’m virtually
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Orthodox. All I have </p>
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<p>to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I’m
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in the club. </p>
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<p>Jerry: That’s all there is to it.</p>
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<p>George: That’s all there is to it. By Christmas day I will
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be Brother </p>
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<p>Costanza.</p>
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<p>Jerry: And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother
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Costanza?</p>
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<p>George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.</p>
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<p>Kramer enters. He is flinging a slinky.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh a slinky. Where did you get it?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Sister Roberta gave it to me.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Why did she give you that?</p>
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<p>Kramer: I think she liked me.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What do you mean she liked you?</p>
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<p>Kramer: *Liked* me.</p>
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<p>George: Kramer, they like everybody. They’re friendly people.</p>
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<p>Kramer: No. I think I picked up on a vibe.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You picked up on a vibe, from a nun.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, Jerry I’m telling you I have this power. And
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I have no control </p>
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<p>over it.</p>
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<p>Kramer leaves.</p>
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<p>Jerry’s girlfriend appears at the doorway.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh hi.</p>
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<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: I just wanted to stop by and see how you
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were feeling.</p>
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<p>Jerry: (weakly) A little better. *fake cough*</p>
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<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: If you need anything let me know.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Okay. All right bye.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Story.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She’s subletting Carol’s place for a month.</p>
|
|
<p>George: She likes you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah but there’s a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide
|
|
in her </p>
|
|
<p>medicine cabinet.</p>
|
|
<p>George: So?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So I don’t know what she’s using it for.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well how do you even know it’s hers? Maybe it belonged
|
|
to Carol. </p>
|
|
<p>Did you see a name on the tube?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I didn’t even think to look.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well take a look. It might not even belong to her.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>George: People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah I’ve got this old bottle of cough medicine.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I still have brill cream.</p>
|
|
<p>At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry knocks on the door</p>
|
|
<p>*knock, knock, knock*</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hi. Can I use your bathroom?</p>
|
|
<p>At the doctor’s apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You sure you don’t mind?</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor (name?): No of course not. People ask me medical questions
|
|
all the </p>
|
|
<p>time.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well the question isn’t even for me it’s for
|
|
a friend.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Elaine, I’m used to it. I’m a doctor.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well… podiatrist.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No no, I’m just saying you didn’t really go to
|
|
medical school, you </p>
|
|
<p>went to podiatry school. Which I’m sure is very grueling in
|
|
it’s own way.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: I went to podiatry school because I like feet. I chose
|
|
to work with </p>
|
|
<p>feet.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I like feet too. I’m just saying…</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Saying what?</p>
|
|
<p>In Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>She knocks on the bathroom door.</p>
|
|
<p>*knock, knock, knock*</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: How are you doing in there?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Fine all done, just looking for the soap.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is looking around for the bottle of fungicide.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: No soap?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No I don’t see it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry finds the bottle of fungicide and picks it up. Jerry’s
|
|
girlfriend </p>
|
|
<p>enters the bathroom with soap. Hastily, Jerry puts the bottle of
|
|
fungicide in </p>
|
|
<p>his pocket.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: (giving Jerry the soap) Here you go.</p>
|
|
<p>At George’s parent’s house.</p>
|
|
<p>George is in the bathroom with his Latvian Orthodox books.</p>
|
|
<p>*knock, knock, knock*</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: George what are you doing in there?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What? Nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: You’ve been in there an hour.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: You don’t feel well?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I’m fine.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: I want to know what you’re doing in there.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: George, open the door.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: Georgie.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No!</p>
|
|
<p>At Kramer’s apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Sister Roberta is knocking on the door.</p>
|
|
<p>*knock, knock, knock*</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>Sister Roberta: Good evening. I hope I’m not disturbing you,
|
|
but I found </p>
|
|
<p>another toy I thought you might like.</p>
|
|
<p>(Commercial)</p>
|
|
<p>At Jerry’s Apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And I’ll
|
|
need that in the </p>
|
|
<p>form of a question.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I don’t know. I can’t believe they’re making
|
|
me take this test.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, did you talk to the doctor?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He
|
|
presents the </p>
|
|
<p>bottle of fungicide.)</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You *took* her medicine.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the
|
|
tube. When </p>
|
|
<p>are you seeing him again?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I don’t know. We got into this whole thing about how
|
|
podiatrists </p>
|
|
<p>aren’t real doctors.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How could you say that?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It’s you fault. You just got me thinking.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I was merely speaking extemporaneously.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I’ve got nothing against the foot. I’m pro-foot.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Me too.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Do you think I should call him and apologize?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes. He’s a doctor.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine starts to leave.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Jerry: Wait a second.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaine’s purse.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (to George) What are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What does it look like I’m doing?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: (Reading words George wrote on his hand) "Matthew,
|
|
Luke, Paul", what </p>
|
|
<p>you’re cheating on your conversion chest?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I told you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I told you she liked me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Who?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Sister Roberta.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How do you know?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: She told me. She said she’s never had a man stir up
|
|
all of these </p>
|
|
<p>feelings inside of her. She’s questioning her faith. She’s
|
|
thinking of </p>
|
|
<p>leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. I’m dangerous Jerry,
|
|
I’m very very </p>
|
|
<p>dangerous.</p>
|
|
<p>At the priest’s office.</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: I must say George, I was somewhat surprised at the
|
|
results of </p>
|
|
<p>your conversion test. I don’t recall having seen such an impressive
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, I’m I’m full of it Father.</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest 2: (muttering something to Father-Priest 1) …(mumble)…
|
|
Kramer </p>
|
|
<p>…(mumble)…</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: Yes, yes I see. (To George) I’m sorry something
|
|
has come up.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, I understand.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Um, you wanted to see me Father?</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see
|
|
me </p>
|
|
<p>yesterday.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I know what this is about Father. I didn’t do anything.
|
|
I just </p>
|
|
<p>spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It’s just
|
|
that, that I have </p>
|
|
<p>this power.</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: Yes. Kavorka.</p>
|
|
<p>[I wouldn’t mind having "Kavorka" myself ;) ]</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Kavorka?</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure
|
|
of the animal".</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I don’t understand.</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything
|
|
to be </p>
|
|
<p>possessed by you.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Help me Father. Help me.</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully.
|
|
I want you </p>
|
|
<p>to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces…</p>
|
|
<p>The hallway by Jerry’s apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to
|
|
Kramer’s </p>
|
|
<p>door) Ah hah.</p>
|
|
<p>*knock, knock, knock*</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer opens his door. He is wearing a ring of garlics around his
|
|
neck.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey. What are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I’ve got the Kavorka Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: The Kavorka? What’s that?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: The lure of the animal. I’m dangerous.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What is this thing around your neck?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: The priests they’re helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know you’re funcifying the whole building.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Keep away Jerry. Keep away.</p>
|
|
<p>He closes his door.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Kramer. *knock, knock, knock* Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>At the entrance of the church. There is a sign there. It reads:</p>
|
|
<p>+---------------------+</p>
|
|
<p>| CONVERSION CEREMONY |</p>
|
|
<p>| FOR |</p>
|
|
<p>| GEORGE COSTANZA |</p>
|
|
<p>| 3:P.M. |</p>
|
|
<p>| |</p>
|
|
<p>| |</p>
|
|
<p>| |</p>
|
|
<p>+---------------------+</p>
|
|
<p>The sign is on a black background with white stick-on letters.</p>
|
|
<p>A woman reads the sign.</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: George Costanza? Estelle’s son?</p>
|
|
<p>At George’s parent’s house.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?</p>
|
|
<p>George: For a woman.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: A woman? What are you out of your mind?</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: Why can’t you do anything like a normal person?</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?</p>
|
|
<p>George: No it’s a regular religion.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: I’m calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to
|
|
get out of this.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I don’t want to get out of it.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: George, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re
|
|
under their </p>
|
|
<p>control.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: What, they brainwashed you?</p>
|
|
<p>George: No no.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: You’re not performing any rituals in this house.</p>
|
|
<p>Estelle: Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.</p>
|
|
<p>Frank: And stay away from those squirrels.</p>
|
|
<p>At Jerry’s girlfriend’s apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: Oh how you doing Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Good. What’s the matter?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: I’m tired. I hardly slept last night
|
|
with all this </p>
|
|
<p>scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Bonkers?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: My cat. He’s got this weird sort
|
|
of skin condition. </p>
|
|
<p>Some type of fungus, I couldn’t find his medicine.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh it’s your cat! </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry’s girlfriend: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ooh, nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>At the church.</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: Are you ready my son?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes faddah.</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: What did you say?</p>
|
|
<p>George: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: I thought you said faddah.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I said faddah, I meant Father. Just a little bit nervous.</p>
|
|
<p>Outside on a sidewalk.</p>
|
|
<p>A woman is waiting for a cab. Kramer walks up to her.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: How you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>Woman: Get away from me you creep. (She walks away.)</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yes, Yes. It worked. Sister Roberta I’ve still got
|
|
time to catch </p>
|
|
<p>her.</p>
|
|
<p>At the church. It is George’s conversion ceremony.</p>
|
|
<p>Church music plays.</p>
|
|
<p>George is dressed in a white church gown.</p>
|
|
<p>He walks down the church aisle carrying a candle.</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest says some Latvian words.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer is running down the street going to the church.</p>
|
|
<p>The church music is still playing.</p>
|
|
<p>George takes a drink of some wine. He spills some on his gown.
|
|
He makes a </p>
|
|
<p>hand motion on his gown.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer is still running to the church.</p>
|
|
<p>The church music is still playing.</p>
|
|
<p>Father-priest: Congratulations George. Welcome to the faith. Sister
|
|
Roberta </p>
|
|
<p>would you please offer the final benediction.</p>
|
|
<p>Sister Roberta: (hesitates) I can’t. (crowd murmurs) I’m
|
|
sorry. It’s a </p>
|
|
<p>beautiful religion, but I am not worthy of it. I found something
|
|
else.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters the church.</p>
|
|
<p>Sister Roberta: Him.</p>
|
|
<p>Crowd: Kavorka, Kavorka.</p>
|
|
<p>At Elaine’s apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: *kiss, kiss* Because I love the foot. I’m a big fan
|
|
of the foot.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Well it’s my fault. I got a little defensive.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: And that pinkie toe, come on . How adorable is the pinkie
|
|
toe.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: It’s my favorite toe.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Let’s face it, you get a bunion, where are you going?
|
|
You’re not </p>
|
|
<p>going to the ear guy.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: No you’re not.</p>
|
|
<p>*phone rings*</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I’ll be right back.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: Oh uh, where’s the bathroom?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It’s right down here to the left. I will meet you
|
|
right back here.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Elaine it’s her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need
|
|
the tube </p>
|
|
<p>back.</p>
|
|
<p>The doctor is in Elaine’s bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>He peeks into the medicine cabinet and finds the tube of fungicide.</p>
|
|
<p>Doctor: (Thinking to himself) "Fungicide"? Fungus?</p>
|
|
<p>At the church.</p>
|
|
<p>Sister Roberta: Something’s wrong. I don’t feel the same
|
|
lure.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: You don’t?</p>
|
|
<p>Sister Roberta: What have I…? I must return to the church.
|
|
By the way you </p>
|
|
<p>really need to take a bath. You stink.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>(Commercial)</p>
|
|
<p>At Monk’s</p>
|
|
<p>George’s girlfriend: For me?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well I didn’t do it for my mother.</p>
|
|
<p>George’s girlfriend: I’m really flattered. But I just
|
|
don’t feel ready to </p>
|
|
<p>make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Latvia?</p>
|
|
<p>George’s girlfriend: Yes. I’m going to stay with some
|
|
relatives there for a </p>
|
|
<p>year. Isn’t it great?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Enjoy, enjoy.</p>
|
|
<p>George’s girlfriend: Oh George, you are so sweet. Don’t
|
|
ever change.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I’d like a doggie bag for this please.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>The End.
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</script>
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|
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|