1276 lines
47 KiB
HTML
1276 lines
47 KiB
HTML
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<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Deal </title>
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<h1>The Deal</h1>
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<p><table width="300" height="250" border="0" align="left" cellpadding="0" style="margin-right:10px;">
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<tr>
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<td>
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</p>
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<p> Opening
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Monologue: I've been watching women in the department stores.
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They're trying on clothes, and I've noticed that they do it differently
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from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the
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clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold
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it up against themself. They can tell something from this. They
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stick one leg way out 'cause they nedd to know, if some day I'm
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one-legged, and at a fourty-five degree angle, what am I gonna
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wear? You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a
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suit off the rack, put his head in the neck, and go, "What
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do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Yeah, it looks
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fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I wanna make
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sure. Yeah, perfect. And what if I'm walking? Move the shoes,
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move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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% While Jerry and Elaine are sitting on Jerry's couch watching
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the tube, Elaine is flipping through the channels constantly.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What are you doing? All right, all right. What's the matter
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with that? What about that one?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: He was good in Man From Uncle.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I know, I'm having my root canal the same week.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because
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that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked
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people.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: No, I don't wanna see the naked people.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Been a while?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone,
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but it was a long, long time ago.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot
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shorter.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do
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it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: What?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: What was that look?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What look?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: The look you just gave me.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I gave a look?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yes.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What kind of look?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I know that look.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Then what was it?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Why should I tell you?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart
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you are.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: What about the look?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I don't know.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: You got something on your mind?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: No. Things pop into your head. You?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Things occur to me from time to time.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the
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past completely.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: No, of course not.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what?
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Twenty-five times?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Thirty-seven.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points
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to bedroom)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: We know the terrain.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: No big surprises.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Nope.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What do you think?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I don't know. What do you think?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Well, it's something to consider.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I mean, let's say we did.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: What if.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Is that like the end of the world or something?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Certainly not.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if
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we want to?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I know.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points
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to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back
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out here. It's not complicated.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: It's almost stupid if we didn't.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: It's moronic.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Absurd!<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: We, there are always a few.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends
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the way we are now, that would be really bad.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Devastating.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between
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them to indicate friendship)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: And that would be good. (Points to bedroom)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and
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the that. But this cannot be disturbed.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the
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things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Huh.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and
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vice versa.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Right.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation
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to call.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an
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idea. No call the day after that.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: All right, sir.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Now here's another little rule. When we see each other
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now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people
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get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When
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that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't
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see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Well now we're gettin' somewhere.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: What about the kiss goodnight?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Tough one. You're call.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: It's brug-wa (?).<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Fine. Well.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Well.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: You ready?<br>
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<br>
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|
<br>
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Elaine: Ready.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: So think you can handle this?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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% Jerry's apartment the next day. Kramer enters.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Hey.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hey.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Got the paper?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Not yet.<br>
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|
<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: No paper?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: I haven't been out yet.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, what's taking you so long? (Elaine enters from the
|
|
bedroom. Kramer is a little shocked) Uh? Oh, well, yeah... (He
|
|
exits)<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
% George and Jerry at Monk's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
George: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or
|
|
was he just restricted to water?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's
|
|
the job situation goin'?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
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Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Jerry: I thought you'd like that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
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George: Oh, this is huge!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: I know.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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George: All right, okay. Let's go, details.<br>
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<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: No, I can't do details.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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George: You wha?<br>
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<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: I can't give details.<br>
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<br>
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|
<br>
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George: No details?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
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Jerry: I'm not in the mood.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine,
|
|
and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen
|
|
to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have
|
|
a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you
|
|
get in the mood!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
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George: Where are you sitting?<br>
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<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: On the couch.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
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George: Next to each other?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, separated.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Time?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: About eleven.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Okay, go ahead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked
|
|
station.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because
|
|
of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never
|
|
turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen
|
|
would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there
|
|
in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right.
|
|
So you're watching the naked station.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we
|
|
had sex.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Boy, these are really bad details.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature
|
|
for details.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates
|
|
me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Better than before?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: She must've taken some kind of seminar or something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's
|
|
going on? Are you like a couple again now?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Not exactly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Not exactly. What does that mean?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be
|
|
able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George
|
|
laughs hysterically and stands oiut of his seat)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet?
|
|
It's impossible. It can't be done.<br>
|
|
(He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying
|
|
to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two
|
|
of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the
|
|
ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I think we've worked out a system.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic
|
|
gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking
|
|
he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules
|
|
that we can maintain the friendship by advancing all of the relationship
|
|
pitfalls.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Okay. No calls the next day.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't
|
|
have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You ready for the second one?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Spending the night. Optional.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No, you see? You got greedy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, that's the rule. It's optional.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I know less about women than anyone in the world. But
|
|
one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the
|
|
night. I could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning
|
|
and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with
|
|
French fry) You're not going anywhere.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I think you're wrong.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I hope I am.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
% At Elaine's apartment, Jerry opens the fridge and pulls out
|
|
a piece of cake.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Is this yours or the roommate's?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: The roommate's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Would she mind?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: She keeps track of everything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Thanks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, guess I'll get going.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, I have that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be
|
|
easier if I go home.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Fine, go away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling
|
|
a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the
|
|
impression there's a problem.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Just go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm having surgery tomorrow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: But you said, it can be very serious.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Okay, so fine. Go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was
|
|
optional.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It has nothing to do with whose house it is.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, of course it does. (Elaine's roommate, Tina, enters)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Tina: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine + Jerry: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Tina: Hi, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Tina: Such a great improv class tonight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Tina: I had this improv where I pretended I was working in one
|
|
of those booths. You know, in the amusement park, where you have
|
|
to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up
|
|
the balloon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Uh, Tina? Could you excuse us for just one second?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Tina: Oh, yeah. I'll excuse you. (She walks away)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What are you doing? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I can't go if you're mad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I'm not mad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You seemed a little mad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So you're okay with everything?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Definitely. Are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Definitely. Well, goodnight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Rules.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Tina: Hey, who took my cake? (Jerry exits quickly)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
% Jerry and George are at the store.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What about jewelry? That's very nice gift.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to
|
|
send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever
|
|
I spend, you have to spend half.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position.
|
|
Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from
|
|
all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I think I heard her say something about a bench.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: A bench? What kind of a bench?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know, but she mentioned a bench.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What, like at a bus stop?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Like a park bench?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I have no idea.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Who puts a bench in their house?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Forget the bench.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout
|
|
a music box?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that
|
|
Laura's theme, I'm dead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another
|
|
guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious,
|
|
perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Nice looking fellow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What about candle holders?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Too romantic.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Lingerie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Too sexual.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Waffle maker.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Too domestic.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Bust of Nelson Rockefeller.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Too Gubernatorial. (?)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Let's work on the card.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
% Jerry and Elaine sitting on his couch. Elaine holding a present.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Maybe you won't like it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You could not like it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Just the fact that you remembered means everything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two
|
|
months. Oh, the card. (She opens)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Cash?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Would do you think?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You got me cash?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself
|
|
whatever you want. No good?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Who are you, my uncle?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's
|
|
anything to sneeze at.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Let me see the card. (Reading) To a wonderful girl, a
|
|
great pal, and more? (Kramer enters)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey. Oh, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Stay right there.
|
|
I'm gonna be right back. (He exits)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Pal? You think I'm your pal?<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I said, "and more."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I am not your pal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal?
|
|
(Kramer enters with present)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, what is this? You got me something?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah. Open it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh Kramer... (She opens it) The bench! You got me the
|
|
bench that I wanted! (Jerry looks irritated)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: That's pretty good, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Great.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned
|
|
it? I made a mental note of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well goody for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's
|
|
birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: 182 bucks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Cash? You gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that?
|
|
That's like something her uncle would get her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: (Reading card) Think where man's glory most begins and
|
|
ends and say my glory was I had such a friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: (To Jerry) Yeats.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh Kramer. (They embrace)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Could you excuse us please?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: We're talking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, the relationship. (He leaves)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You know, we never had one fight before this deal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Never.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Ever.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: We got along beautifully.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Like clams.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It was wonderful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: A pleasure.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go
|
|
back to being friends.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I can't do it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I can't do that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or
|
|
that. Oh, boy. What do you want?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: This, that, and the other.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want
|
|
this, that, and the other?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: (Starts to correct then realizes) Well...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
% Jerry and George at Monk's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers.
|
|
If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday
|
|
will always bring it out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I never should have made up those rules.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is
|
|
it the touching? Is it the nudity?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible
|
|
fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me
|
|
anyway because of my birthday present.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What did you end up giving her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: 91 dollars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Sorry about that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: So what're you gonna do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore.
|
|
This is pretty much it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: So, maybe this should be it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Could be it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: She seems like an it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the
|
|
street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor,
|
|
they live in Vermont...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: We'd have to kill him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: We'd get caught, I'd get the chair.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear
|
|
that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy
|
|
who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom
|
|
in front of hundreds of people.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Plus, you know what else.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You better call her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
% Jerry's apartment, Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: You got the paper yet?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well where is it? (Elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper)
|
|
Hey, you done with that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, you're not reading it now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: All right, you can take it. But I want it back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh yeah. So, ah, what're you guys gonna do today?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Ah, this. And that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: And the other.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you
|
|
weren't a couple. (He exits)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
End.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
|
|
<br>
|
|
|
|
</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
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|
|
|
<div id="navBar">
|
|
|
|
<div id="upperBox">
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
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|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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|
<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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|
google_ad_height = 600;
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|
//-->
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|
</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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|
</script>
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|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
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|
</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<!--
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|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
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|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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|