944 lines
51 KiB
HTML
944 lines
51 KiB
HTML
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<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Dealership</title>
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<h1>The Dealership</h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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</p>
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<p>Donated by Ivy (Seinfeld10@aol.com)</p>
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<p>Written by: Steve Koren</p>
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<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: January 8, 1998 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel McCrary (as Don), and
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Patrick</p>
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<p>Warburton (as Puddy).</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: A car dealership]</p>
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<p>(Jerry and George are looking over some cars)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: When are they gonna have the flying cars, already?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, they have been promising that for a while..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was
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right around the corner.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No. That's just electric.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner.
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That was a cool one.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Sarcastic) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang
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Bang?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, what do you think the big holdup is? </p>
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<p>GEORGE: The government is very touchy about us being in the air.
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Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in
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the air is a big production. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities? </p>
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<p>GEORGE: And the underwater bubble cities? </p>
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<p>JERRY: It's like we're living in the '50s here. </p>
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<p>(Kramer’s bouncing up and down on the rear bumper of one of
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the cars for sale)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's good suspension! </p>
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<p>JERRY: (To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time
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to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car.
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(Gestures to a black Saab) </p>
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<p>GEORGE: What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the
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car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know
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why you're here. </p>
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<p>JERRY: (Talking about the vein in George’s head) There's that
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vein again. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm starving. We should have had lunch first.. </p>
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<p>JERRY: (Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I
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told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought
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he was a mechanic. </p>
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<p>JERRY: I guess he graduated. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: That's an easy move: go from screwin' you behind your back
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to screwin' you right to your face. </p>
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<p>(Kramer, in one of the cars, honks the horn) </p>
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<p>JERRY: (To Kramer) Thank you. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Puddy’s just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptic)
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You’ll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing,
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dealer prep. Sudeenly, you’re</p>
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<p>on your back like a turnip. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Alright. Calm down. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: My father had a car salesman buddy. He was gonna fix him
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up real nice. Next thing I know, I’m gettin’ dropped of
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in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof. All</p>
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<p>the kids are shoutin’ at me, "Hey, Le George! Bonjour,
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Le George! Let’s stuff Le George in Le Locker!" </p>
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<p>(Kramer’s now on his back, under a car) </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry, I don’t think this thing is hooked up right.
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</p>
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<p>(Jerry and George go to enter the office buildings) </p>
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<p>JERRY: (To Kramer) Alright, we’re goin’ in. </p>
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<p>(A salesman walks up to Kramer. He’s still under the car)
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</p>
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<p>SALESMAN: You’ve got a good eye, there. I see you’ve
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noticed the uni-body construction. I’m Rick. Are you looking
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to buy or lease? </p>
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<p>(Kramer emerges from under the car) </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Uh, borrow. It’s for my friend. Yeah, he’ll be
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buying.. </p>
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<p>RICK: Maybe I should talk to him. </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, I don’t think so. No, he’s an entertainer.
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You know, all over the place. That’s where I come in. </p>
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<p>RICK: I see. So, you’re his manag-</p>
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<p>(Kramer hops into the car) </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, neighbor. That’s right. Yeah, why don’t
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we take this boiler out for a shakedown? </p>
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<p>(Scene cuts to the insides of the dealership building. Jerry and
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George are waiting for a salesman to assist them) </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Look at these salesmen. The only thing these guys fear
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is the walk-out. No matter what they say, you say, "I’ll
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walk out of here right now!" </p>
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<p>(A salesman approaches) </p>
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<p>SALESMAN: Can I help you with something? </p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Threatening) Hold it! One more step and we’re walkin’!
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</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, we’re just
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waiting for David Puddy. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Still with a tone) He is. You don’t know what I’m
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doin’ here. </p>
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<p>(Elaine walks into the showroom with David Puddy) </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey. </p>
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<p>PUDDY: Sorry I’m late. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to
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celebrate his promotion. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Ah. Where’d you go? </p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Obviously embarrassed) Uh, to a restaurant. </p>
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<p>PUDDY: Arby’s. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: I had the roast beef.. </p>
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<p>JERRY: So, Puddy, I decided I’m gonna go with another 900
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convertible. </p>
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<p>PUDDY: Alright. Classic. (Holds his hand up) High-five. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Interrupting) David, can you tell me where the Xerox machine
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is? </p>
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<p>PUDDY: Oh, sure, babe. Salesman-only copy room (Points) right there.
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</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh. (Leaves for the room) </p>
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<p>PUDDY: (To Jerry and George) Hey, come on, guys. I’ll show
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you the 900. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Mocking, skeptic) Yeah, you show us the 900. </p>
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<p>(Scene cuts to Kramer. He’s in the car with the salesman,
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Rick, and they’re driving an unknown street) </p>
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<p>RICK: .. And look at these features, Mr. Kramer: Anti-lock breaks,
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automatic climate control. Uh, (Points out the windshield) make
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a right at this corner, please.</p>
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<p>(Goes back to the features) Adjustable steering wheel, and.. Oh,
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Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn..</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No. No, I didn’t. </p>
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<p>RICK: Well, that’s okay. (Pointing) We’ll make this next
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right, and swing around to get back to the dealership. </p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Up to something) Well, it’s a test drive, right?
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I never drive around here. If I’m gonna recommend this car,
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I need to see that it’ll handle my daily</p>
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<p>routine. </p>
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<p>RICK: So where are we going? </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Just a little place I like to call, "You’ll see".
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</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Puddy’s office] </p>
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<p>(George and Jerry are in conference with Puddy) </p>
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<p>GEORGE: I’m starving. You got any of those free donuts you
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use to soften people up? </p>
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<p>PUDDY: (Pointing out his office door) By the service department.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Getting up, he addresses Jerry) Alright, remember: no
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rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble.
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</p>
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<p>JERRY: (As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George.
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</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Don’t think it can’t happen! (Leaves) </p>
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<p>JERRY: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more
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"grease monkey". </p>
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<p>PUDDY: I don’t care for that term. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh. Sorry, I didn’t know.. </p>
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<p>PUDDY: No, I don’t know too many monkeys who could take apart
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a fuel injector. </p>
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<p>JERRY: I saw one once that could do sign language. </p>
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<p>PUDDY: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, Koko. </p>
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<p>PUDDY: Right, Koko. That chimp’s alright. (Holds up his hand)
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High-five. </p>
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<p>(Returning, George sees Jerry reluctantly slap hands with Puddy)
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</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey! What’s goin’ on here? (To Jerry)
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You didn’t agree to anything, did ya? </p>
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<p>JERRY: No. We both just saw the same monkey. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Aggravated) Well, I got screwed on the donuts. There were
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none left. </p>
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<p>PUDDY: (Standing up) Well, there’s a vending machine. I could
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show you where it is. (Leaves, showing George the way)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar. </p>
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<p>JERRY: (Getting a dollar out) Where’s your money? </p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Talking it) I’m here helpin’ you.</p>
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<p>(Elaine enters) </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey. Where’s Puddy? The copy machine is broken. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: (On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. That’s what they want
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you to think. </p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed
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an annoying little habit? </p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting? </p>
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<p>JERRY: No. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring? </p>
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<p>JERRY: No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: I thought all guys do that. </p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>JERRY: Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual.
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In fact, even some of them have moved on - they’re using sign
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language now. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Is that bad? </p>
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<p>JERRY: What do you think the Nazis were doin’? (Imitates the
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Nazi’s salute) That was the heil-five. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Pointing out) Isn’t that from your act, like, ten
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years ago? </p>
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<p>JERRY: (Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the ‘80’s,
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and it’s still relatable today. </p>
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<p>(Puddy approaches them) </p>
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<p>PUDDY: Good news. We got a 900 in black. That’s the hot color.
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(Holds up his hand) High-five. </p>
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<p>(Elaine and Jerry exchange looks) </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Um, David, you know what? Can you come help me fix the
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copy machine? </p>
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<p>(Elaine takes Puddy’s arm, leading him to the room) </p>
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<p>PUDDY: (Pointing at Jerry) You owe me five. </p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Dealership back room] </p>
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<p>(George is eyeing a Twix candy bar through the vending machine
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glass) </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Twix.. (Makes various noises) B-5. </p>
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<p>(George put in his dollar, but the machine rejects it. He tries
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to jam it in, same result. He tries one more time - unsuccessful)
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</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ah, come on! </p>
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<p>(A heavy-set mechanic approaches and stands in line behind George
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to use the vending machine. George steps back to let him use it.
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The machine readily accepts</p>
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<p>the mechanic’s dollar) </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ah, excuse me. Do you have change of a dollar? </p>
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<p>MECHANIC: (While retrieving his candy) No. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Could I, uh, could I trade you for another dollar? </p>
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<p>MECHANIC: (While walking away) Don’t have one. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Stopping him) Excuse me. When your, uh, when your wallet
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was open, I glanced inside, and I couldn’t help but notice
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that you had several crisp dollar</p>
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<p>bills. </p>
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<p>MECHANIC: (Calm) You’re incorrect. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Persistent) Perhaps you could look again, please? I’m
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very hungry. </p>
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<p>MECHANIC: (While taking his exit) We had donuts earlier. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Losing it) I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old
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screwgie, huh?! You’re all doin’ a hell of a job! (Looks
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longingly at the Twix in the machine) Ho,</p>
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<p>ho. What I would do with you.. </p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Dealership car] </p>
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<p>(Rick and Kramer are still on the test-drive. The back seat is
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filled with various items - those including a giant, stuffed Tweety
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bird) </p>
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<p>RICK: Mr. Kramer, we’re really not allowed to use the cars
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to run errands. </p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, look, Rick. I’m very close to giving this car,
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that my celebrity friend is considering, my full endorsement. (Looks
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out the window) Oooh, Let’s see if</p>
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<p>I can get a smile from these femininas.. (Yells out to them) Hey,
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Ladies! (Points to the car) It’s the Saab 900! What do you
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think? Can I interest you in a little</p>
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<p>supplemental restraint?! (They obviously do something to offend
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him. Kramer reacts with a face) Geeze.. </p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Dealership back room] </p>
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<p>(Jerry walks up to the vending machine. George is on his stomach,
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reaching under the vending machine for change) </p>
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<p>JERRY: (Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the
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machine) I think the candy comes out over there. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they’re
|
|
too lazy to pick it up. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Either that, or they’ve got a little hang-up about
|
|
lying face-down in filth. Why don’t you just go to the cashier?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>(George gets up) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The cashier is at lunch - which is where I’d like
|
|
to be. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How much was under there? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Looking at his finger) I think somethin’ bit me.
|
|
I just need another nickel. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy
|
|
thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands
|
|
him a nickel) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ho, ho, ho! He’s got a live one. He’s just reeling
|
|
his big fish in! </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, can I have my dollar back? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Stingy) It’s wrinkled. It’s worthless. </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry gives George a look, then leaves. George hurriedly puts
|
|
the money into the machine) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (As the Twix starts to move) Ha, ha, ha, ha! (The Twix
|
|
gets stuck in the spindle right before falling. George begins to
|
|
pound the machine) Come on!</p>
|
|
<p>Jump! </p>
|
|
<p>(A man holding a donut walks past George) </p>
|
|
<p>MAN: They just put out some more donuts. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: They did? </p>
|
|
<p>MAN: (Holding his up) Last one. </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Dealership car] </p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer’s still on the road with Rick) </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, just one more errand and we can head back. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Actually, it looks like we’re gonna need some gas. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh? Well, how much gas do you think is in there right now?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>RICK: (Looking) Well, it’s on "E". </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You know, uh, oftentimes, Jerry - he lend me his car and
|
|
I find myself in a situation where the car is almost out of gas.
|
|
But, for a variety of reasons, I</p>
|
|
<p>don’t want to be the one responsible for purchasing costly
|
|
gasoline. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: (Pointing out) So, you want to know how far you can drive
|
|
your friend’s car for free. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (In the spotlight, his voice goes high) Well, I make it
|
|
up to him in other ways. </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Dealership back room] </p>
|
|
<p>(George enters with a salesman, regarding the machine) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: As you will see, the candy bar is paid for, and yet, remains
|
|
dangling in the machine. (Notices that the Twix slot is completely
|
|
empty) Hey, it’s gone.</p>
|
|
<p>Where is my Twix? (Quickly looks around. His sights fall on the
|
|
window of a door labeled "Employees Only". The same mechanic
|
|
from before is eating a candy bar)</p>
|
|
<p>What?! That guy’s eatin’ it! </p>
|
|
<p>SALESMAN: Well, how do you know that one’s yours? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Uh, it was dangling! There were only two left in the machine!
|
|
He must’ve bought one, and gotten both. </p>
|
|
<p>SALESMAN: Sir, are you gonna buy a car? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No! (The salesman walks away. He addresses the mechanic
|
|
through the door’s window) Hey! Hey! I can see you! That is
|
|
my Twix! (The mechanic eats</p>
|
|
<p>the last of the Twix, obviously to make George even more angered.
|
|
It works) Oh, ha, ha! Ho, ho! </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to Puddy in the copy room with Elaine. He’s trying
|
|
to fix the Xerox machine) </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Paper jam.. Got it! (Holds his hand up) High-five. (Elaine
|
|
reluctantly slaps it. He turns around, and puts his hand out behind
|
|
his back) On the flip side. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: David, um, I.. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: (Still holding out his hand) Don’t leave me hangin’</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You’re a salesman now - and the high-five is.. it’s
|
|
very grease monkey. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: What did I tell you about that? </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I’m sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: (Somewhat hurt) Oh yeah? I’ll tell you what’s
|
|
stupid. You. Stupid. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, that is really mature. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Yeah? So are you. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Huh? </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: You’re the grease monkey. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Confused at David’s attempts at a comeback) Uh..
|
|
that doesn’t make any sense. I am leaving. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Yeah, if you leave, we’re through. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Fine! We’re through! </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY; Oh, so you’re leaving? </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (While leaving) That’s right. (Mocking Puddy, she
|
|
puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind
|
|
her back like he had done) On the</p>
|
|
<p>flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin’
|
|
me to Arby’s.. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you..? </p>
|
|
<p>(She exits. Puddy sits down at his desk - disturbed) </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Let’s finish this up. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Did you two break up? </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: (While punching up numbers on a calculator) That chick’s
|
|
whacked. We’re history. (Back to the transaction) I just left
|
|
out a couple of things:</p>
|
|
<p>rust-proofing.. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: "Rust-proofing"? </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: (Reading off what he’s adding up on the calculator)
|
|
Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finder’s
|
|
fee</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: "Finder’s fee"? It was on the lot! </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Yeah, that’s right. (Continues reading off) Floor mats,
|
|
keys.. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ‘Keys"?! </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: How ya gonna start it? </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Dealership’s shop] </p>
|
|
<p>(George catches up with the portly mechanic) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling.
|
|
And when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie,
|
|
and you never bothered</p>
|
|
<p>to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner. </p>
|
|
<p>MECHANIC: First of all, it wasn’t a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue
|
|
bar. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Huh. You must think I’m pretty stupid. That was no
|
|
5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of
|
|
your lip! Now, that-that-that is a</p>
|
|
<p>cookie - and we all know Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie
|
|
crunch. </p>
|
|
<p>MECHANIC: Yeah, it’s just a little nougat. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Nougat? Please. I think I’ve reached the point in
|
|
my life where I can tell between nougat and cookie. So, let’s
|
|
not just say things that are obvious</p>
|
|
<p>fabrications. </p>
|
|
<p>MECHANIC: (Pointing to George’s forehead) You know, you’re
|
|
gettin’ a little vein there.. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I
|
|
can’t believe this guy.. </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry rushes in with a box of candy) </p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, George! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry) </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and
|
|
Puddy just broke up, he’s treatin’ me just like a regular
|
|
customer, now! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen. No,
|
|
ho, ho! You were gonna get a deal, huh? There’s now laws in
|
|
this place. Anything goes! It’s</p>
|
|
<p>Thunderdome! </p>
|
|
<p>(A saleswoman approaches them) </p>
|
|
<p>SALESWOMAN: Is someone helping you? </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and George quickly avoid her by leaving the room) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Stay back! </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Dealership car] </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: (Trying to look at the gas gauge) Where is it now? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: There’s still some overlap between the needle and
|
|
the slash below the "E". </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: How long are you gonna go? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I’ve been in the slash many times. This is nothing.
|
|
You’ll get used to it. Just, (Makes a popping sound) get it
|
|
out of your mind. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Have you ever been completely below the slash? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I almost did once, and I blacked out. When I came
|
|
to, the car was in a ditch, and the tank was full. I don’t
|
|
know who did it, and I never got to</p>
|
|
<p>thank them.. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: (As the car slowly drifts off the road) Mr. Kramer, the road!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer swerves around, trying to get back in place) </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Whoop! Whoop! </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Puddy’s office] </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and George are in conference) </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started
|
|
this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you
|
|
want to play hard ball, I got my</p>
|
|
<p>friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard.. ball. (Leaving
|
|
the negotiation to George) George, vein it up. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, Puddy, listen, and listen good: I need to know
|
|
the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar.
|
|
Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?! </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: George! Can we focus on the car, here? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I’m starving! I can feel my stomach sucking up against
|
|
my spine. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: (Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your
|
|
signature, here, and we’ll get you that yellow car ready to
|
|
go. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yellow? I wanted black. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: I can’t give you black at that price.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Pleading) George, could you help me, please? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Standing up) Yes. This is wrong! </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Sing it, sister! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch..!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Exasperated) Uhhh.. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Losing it) ..does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe,
|
|
Sol, or… Lem is not gonna get away with this! </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry follows George out the office) </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To Puddy) I’ll be right back. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Okay. </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry catches up with George) </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, George! </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Dealership car] </p>
|
|
<p>(The needle is now below "E". Rick is looking at it)
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Is it just the angle I’m looking from? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, Sir. We are down there. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Oh, this is amazing! Oh, I’ve never felt so alive! </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, well, alright. I’m satisfied. We better get
|
|
some gas. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: What? Well, we can’t stop now. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What do you mean? </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: We have to keep going - all the way back to the dealership.
|
|
That was the plan. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: There was no plan. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Well, let’s make it the plan! Let’s just.. go for
|
|
it! Like Thelma and Louise. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What, they drove to a dealership? </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: No, they drove off a cliff. </p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer eyes Rick, frightened) </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You are one sick mama.. I like it. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Mr. Kramer, the road! </p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer swerves around again) </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yup! Yup! </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Elaine’s apartment] </p>
|
|
<p>(Phone rings, she answers it) </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hello? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Over the phone) Elaine, you’ve got to get back down
|
|
to the dealer. Puddy is screwin’ me on this car, which is yellow
|
|
now! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine! </p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine flinches with every loud banging noise) </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?! </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this
|
|
deal. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Sarcastic) You know, just that you cared enough to call
|
|
means so much, Jerry. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You’re gonna get back together, anyway. It’s thousands
|
|
of dollars! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, I don’t know.. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Come on. Then you don’t have to see him again ‘til
|
|
my 15,000-mile check. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, will you pay my cab fare out there? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Fine. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: And I didn’t like that roast beef, so how ‘bout
|
|
some lunch? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No. No lunch. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I’ll hang the phone up right now! </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright! Lunch! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I’ll see ya. (Hanging up the phone) </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Bye. (Hangs up) </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Frustrated, he reacts) Everybody’s ripping me off!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to George at the customer complaint window) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I’d like to report a problem with one of your mechanics.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: When did you bring the car in? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To the man behind him in line) Yeah right.. I’m gonna
|
|
get my car repaired at a dealership. Huh! Why don’t I just
|
|
flush my money down the toilet? </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: Sir, what, exactly, is the problem? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: One of your guys - Kip, or Ned, short name - stole my Twix
|
|
candy bar! </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: Are you saying he grabbed the candy bar away from you?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: He might as well have! I caught him, and his face was covered
|
|
in chocolate and cookie crumbs. </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: I thought you said it was a Twix. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, it was. But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar. </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: Maybe it was. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, no, no. Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: What about the $100,000 bar? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No. Rice and caramel. </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: Nougat? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No. </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: Positive? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Please. </p>
|
|
<p>(A woman appears from behind the window) </p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: You know they changed the name from $100,000 bar to 100
|
|
Grand? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All I want is my seventy-five cents back, an apology, and
|
|
for him to be fired!</p>
|
|
<p>(An old man sitting in a nearby chair speaks up. He’s Willie’s
|
|
father) </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE SR: I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey
|
|
for a nickel. </p>
|
|
<p>(The man behind George speaks up) </p>
|
|
<p>MAN: What’s the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial! </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE SR: Not Skittles. </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don’t
|
|
talk. </p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: (Sitting behind George) You make your father sit here all
|
|
day? </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: He likes it! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright! Do you mind? I have the window! (To Willie) Now,
|
|
what are you gonna do about my Twix? </p>
|
|
<p>MAN: (In line behind George) Twix has too much coconut. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No! There’s no coconut! </p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN: (Behind service window) I’m allergic to coconut. </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: I’m not. </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE SR: ..A nickel! </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Dealership office showroom]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine enters, and hands Jerry the receipt for her cab) </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Cab receipt. Hey, Puddy. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: I’m with a customer. </p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine throws up her hands, giving a face of dissatisfaction,
|
|
and starts to walk away) </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Uh.. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. What’s important
|
|
is you two getting back together. Eh, then we’ll talk about
|
|
the car. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: (Like a kid) I don’t want to get back with her. She’s
|
|
too bossy. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David..
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why don’t
|
|
we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. Now, look,
|
|
you both find each</p>
|
|
<p>other attractive, right? </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE AND PUDDY: Right. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of
|
|
you.. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I guess. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Good point. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Smiling, like a salesman) Alright. Now, what do I have
|
|
to do to put you two in a relationship today? </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Gas station] </p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer pulls the car into a gas station and gets out) </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Cars can go on empty, but not us humans, huh, fella? I’ll
|
|
get us a couple of Twix bars. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: No, no coconut for me. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, I’ll get ya a Mounds bar. Keep the engine
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
running. </p>
|
|
<p>(Rick sits back in the car a second, then hurriedly jumps out and
|
|
reaches for the gas pump. Kramer pops up from behind the pump and
|
|
scares him) </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Ahh! </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, man! Not the gas! </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: But it needs it, Kramer! It needs it bad! </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Do you think that this’ll make you happy? ‘Cause
|
|
it won’t! </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: (Walking away) Ah, you can just go on without me. </p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer grabs him by the collar) </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Listen to me. When that car rolls into that dealership,
|
|
and that tank is bone dry, I want you to be there with me when everyone
|
|
says, "Kramer and that</p>
|
|
<p>other guy, oh, they went further to the left of the slash than
|
|
anyone ever dreamed!" </p>
|
|
<p>(The car makes puttering noises) </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Maybe we better get moving. </p>
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|
<p>KRAMER: It’s good to have you back, Stan. </p>
|
|
<p>(Both hop into the car) </p>
|
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<p>RICK: It’s Rick, by the way. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No time! </p>
|
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Dealership’s customer service room] </p>
|
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<p>WILLIE: Mr. Costanza, I really don’t have time for this. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Now, if this mechanic guy, was, in fact, eating a 5th Avenue
|
|
bar, as he claimed, wouldn’t you agree he would have no problem
|
|
picking one out from a</p>
|
|
<p>candy line-up? </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: "Candy line-up"? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I’ve spent the last hour preparing ten candy bars
|
|
with no wrappers of identification of any kind for him to select
|
|
from. </p>
|
|
<p>WILLIE: It took you an hour? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Only I hold the answer key to their true candy identities.
|
|
And so, without further ado, I give you.. the candy line-up. (Opens
|
|
a door to a back room.</p>
|
|
<p>Various dealership employees are munching on candy bars) </p>
|
|
<p>SALESWOMAN: Hey, Willie, check it out! Free candy! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That’s my candy line-up! Where are all my cards?!
|
|
They’re - they’re all on the floor! </p>
|
|
<p>(George starts picking up the numbered cards from off the floor.
|
|
He sees the mechanic eating one of the candy bars) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And you! How many Twix does that make for you, today?!
|
|
Like, 8 Twix?! </p>
|
|
<p>MECHANIC: No. </p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Hey, this Clark bar is good. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It’s a Twix! They’re all Twix! It was a setup!
|
|
A setup, I tell ya! And you’ve robbed it! You’ve all screwed
|
|
me again! Now, gimme one! Gimme a Twix! </p>
|
|
<p>MECHANIC: They’re all gone. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Yelling out, frustrated. The camera spins from a top angle)
|
|
Ttttttwwwwiiiiiixxxxx! </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to Elaine, Puddy and Jerry, all in conference) </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What was that? </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: There’s a mental hospital right near here. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in
|
|
principle: Arby’s - no more than once a month. In exchange,
|
|
Elaine comes to your softball game, and</p>
|
|
<p>doesn’t read a book. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (While looking over the contract Jerry just drew up) Yeah,
|
|
well, that’s not bad. </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: I can live with that. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, you’re back together? </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Yeah. </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry sees them stare at each other, smiling) </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright, alright. Alright, that’s enough! Let’s
|
|
get back to my deal. That undercoating, that’s just a rip-off,
|
|
isn’t it, David? </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Oh, we don’t even know what it is. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, I’m gettin’ the insider’s deal? </p>
|
|
<p>PUDDY: Insider’s deal. (Holds up his hand) High-five. </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry gives a face of resentment) </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Dealership car] </p>
|
|
<p>(Rick and Kramer are driving back to the dealership) </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: (Seeing the turn-off up ahead) There’s the dealer! </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey! </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: We did! We pulled it off! I can’t believe it! Where’s
|
|
the needle? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, it broke off, baby! Woo, hoo, hoo! </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. I - I learned a lot. Things
|
|
are gonna be different for me now. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, that’s a weird thing to say.. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: I wonder how much longer we could have lasted. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I wonder.. hmm. </p>
|
|
<p>(They both eye each other, then Kramer slams on the gas, attempting
|
|
to go even longer. They both cheer and scream out) </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: NYC Cab] </p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine, George, and Jerry are riding home in a cab) </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This is nice. What kind of car is this? </p>
|
|
<p>CABBIE: Caprice Classic. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (To Jerry) You couldn’t just give him one high-five?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: And where does it end? Then, everyone’s doin’
|
|
it. It’s like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase,
|
|
"Don’t go there." - Someone’s gotta take a</p>
|
|
<p>stand! </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Munching on a hamburger) This Arby’s is good. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, George, I still don’t understand - how was that
|
|
a setup? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: And who were you tryin’ to set up, anyway? The mechanic
|
|
or the manager? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (In the spotlight) I don’t know. All of ‘em.
|
|
They’re all crooks! Besides, I couldn’t get all different
|
|
candy bars, anyway. </p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer and Rick speed by the cab in the Saab - both screaming
|
|
and yelling) </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What was that? </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I think there’s a mental hospital near here. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Very near. </p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to Kramer and Rick. Still yelling, they slowly come
|
|
to a stop) </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Whew! Well, I think we stopped. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: You - you can probably let go of my hand now. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah. (Getting out of the car) Well, I’ll think
|
|
about it.. </p>
|
|
<p>RICK: Do you have my card? </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
|
|
<p>
|
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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