1678 lines
61 KiB
HTML
1678 lines
61 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The English Patient</h1>
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<br>
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Transcribed by <small>Mark Brockbank</small><br>
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|
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
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<small>(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</small></p>
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<p><br>
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Episode Number: 151<br>
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Original Air Date: March 13, 1997<br>
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<br>
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Written by: Steve Koren<br>
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Directed by: Andy Ackerman<br>
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<br>
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Recurring Cast:<br>
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John O'Hurley (J. Peterman)<br>
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Liz Sheridan (Helen Seinfeld)<br>
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Barney Martin (Morty Seinfeld)<br>
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<br>
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Guest Cast:<br>
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Lloyd Bridges (Izzy)<br>
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Chelsea Noble (Danielle)<br>
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O'Neal Compton (Earl Haffler)<br>
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Lisa Mende (Carol)<br>
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Gene Dynarski (Izzy Jr.)<br>
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Marco Rodriguez (Guillermo)<br>
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Joseph Urla (Dugan)<br>
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Jill Talley (Gail)<br>
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Jill Holden (Lisa)<br>
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Todd Jeffries (Blaine)<br>
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Earl Schuman (Izzy Sr.)<br>
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Edgar Small (Sid Luckman)<br>
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Lauren Bowles (Waitress)<br>
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Juan Garcia (Jaime)<br>
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Jeff Miller (Neil)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Subway Train]<br>
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<br>
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Jerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're both reading<br>
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newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession<br>
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stand?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the<br>
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banjo?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: He's wailing on that banjo.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I just don't understand the raisinettes.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: The sax player?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another<br>
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box of raisinettes.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: So?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: He's a musician.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Musicians. Get a real job.<br>
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<br>
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They shrug and return to their reading.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[Monk's]<br>
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<br>
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George is sitting at the counter perusing a magazine. The waitress comes
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over<br>
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to take his order.<br>
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<br>
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WAITRESS: What d'you want?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Ah, I've had everything on the menu. Uh, surprise me.<br>
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<br>
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The waitress disappears out back. George goes back to reading. Behind
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him, a<br>
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beautiful woman enters, and approaches him.<br>
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<br>
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DANIELLE: (to George) Neil.<br>
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<br>
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The woman touches George on his shoulder, to get his attention.<br>
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<br>
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DANIELLE: Neil.<br>
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<br>
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George turns to face the woman.<br>
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<br>
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DANIELLE: (apologetic) Oh, I am sorry. (smiling broadly) I'm supposed
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to meet<br>
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my boyfriend here. He looks just like you.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: (bemused) Really?<br>
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<br>
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DANIELLE: (smiling) Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: (pointing to himself) Like me?<br>
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|
<br>
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DANIELLE: Uh-huh. Sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Danielle walks away with a wave. George sits there, looking stunned.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: (confused, to himself) Like me? But how?<br>
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<br>
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|
The waitress returns from the back and puts a plate down on the counter<br>
|
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before George.<br>
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|
<br>
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WAITRESS: Here's your halibut omelette. Surprised?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Yes, yes, I am.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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|
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
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|
<br>
|
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Jerry has a suitcase on the table, packing for a trip. Kramer has brought
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in<br>
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a large paper bag, from which he pulls a blue t-shirt.<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: Look what I got for you, for your Florida trip. Crazy Shirts was<br>
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closing 'em out. I got a dozen for a buck.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer holds the shirt up against Jerry and admires it. On the front of
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the<br>
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shirt is the legend '#1 DAD'.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY: (reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
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JERRY: (examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George enters.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
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JERRY: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Hey. You ready?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Almost.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop
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off<br>
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|
some Cubans for me at your parents' house?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new
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condo.<br>
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|
I'm gonna be busy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (grudging) Alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeahh. I owe you one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer leaves. George has got himself a bottle of water from the fridge
|
|
and<br>
|
|
wanders into the living room, talking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful<br>
|
|
girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out)<br>
|
|
This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Maybe he has money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same,<br>
|
|
except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache.
|
|
Or<br>
|
|
wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry opens the door as George looks at him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (pointedly) She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George leaves, followed by Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Outside Movie Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and her latest boyfriend are standing in line.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: So, what d'you wanna see?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (indicating a movie poster) What about Sack Lunch?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: (indicating another poster) How about The English Patient? It's
|
|
up<br>
|
|
for all those Oscars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine pulls a face, like she's really not interested in seeing Blaine's<br>
|
|
choice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, c'mon Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: It's a family in a brown paper bag.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (laughing) Don't you wanna know how they got in there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Blaine reach the front of the queue, just as the guy in the
|
|
ticket<br>
|
|
booth puts a sign up on the window saying 'Sack Lunch Sold Out'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (disappointment) Aww. Sold out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: (to the booth guy) Oh, two for The English Patient.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine continues to study the Sack Lunch poster, while Blaine buys tickets.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Monk's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle, the beautiful woman, is paying at the register. George enters
|
|
and<br>
|
|
sees her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (smiling) Uh, hi. Uhm, remember me? I..I'm the guy who looks like<br>
|
|
Neil?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: (smiling back) Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Huh-Hi. (looks around a little) Uhm, is Neil here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: Oh, no. He got held up at work.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, that's too bad. I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as how
|
|
we look<br>
|
|
so similar.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: Well, you know, you don't look that much like him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (disappointment) Oh. Course not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: No, you're a little taller.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George looks ever more bewildered.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: You look like you're in better shape than Neil. Do you work
|
|
out?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (smiling) Listen, I..I..I don't mean to seem forward...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle looks like she thinks George is hitting on her, and she's not<br>
|
|
against the idea.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: ...but is there any way that I could possibly have Neil's phone<br>
|
|
number?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Now it's Danielle's time to look surprised and bewildered.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Outside Movie Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and Blaine emerge from the exit, having seen The English Patient.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (very dissatisfied) Why is everyone talking about "The English<br>
|
|
Patient, it's so romantic". (vehement) God, that movie stunk!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: I kinda liked it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (firm) No you didn't.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
From the exit emerge several of Elaine's friends, who hurry over to see
|
|
her.<br>
|
|
They're all holding tissues.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CAROL: Elaine. Elaine, did you just see The English Patient?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: (tearful) Didn't you love it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LISA: How could you not love that movie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: How about, it sucked?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CAROL: That Ralph Fiennes, I would give up my firstborn for him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (aside) Huhh, getting the short end of that stick.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Blaine gives Elaine a strange look.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Recreation Center, Del Boca Vista]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Morty walk into a room which contains some fitness equipment
|
|
-<br>
|
|
exercise bike, weights, etc.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They
|
|
got<br>
|
|
medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Stairmaster?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Nothin'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: (opening his tracksuit top) See what I'm wearing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, did you get that outta my bag?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and<br>
|
|
thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In through the door comes a really old guy. He jogs slowly in, and begins<br>
|
|
doing physical jerks as Morty talks to Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Hoh, here he is. This is the man I wanted you to see. Izzy<br>
|
|
Mandelbaum. He's eighty years old, but strong as an ox. (pointing) Watch<br>
|
|
this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy picks up a set of weights and lifts them chest high.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: See that? You couldn't do that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I could, but I choose not to.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Another guy enters behind the Seinfelds. He walks over to an exercise
|
|
bike<br>
|
|
and climbs aboard.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SID: Hey Morty. (nodding toward Jerry) Who's this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: This is my son Jerry, from New York. (leaning toward Sid) He thinks
|
|
he<br>
|
|
can lift more than Izzy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (protesting) I..I didn't say that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SID: (calling over) Hey, Izzy, this kid says he can lift more than you
|
|
can.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy looks over. He releases his grip on the weights and they drop to
|
|
the<br>
|
|
floor with a clunk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should be a comedian.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (smiles) Actually, I am a comedian.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SID: That's not so funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: (challenging) Think you're better than me, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
MORTY: Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the fifties.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (jocular) Eighteen-fifties?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points to the weights he put down)<br>
|
|
Let's see you lift that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: C'mon, c'mon. Pump it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (consenting) Alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my house.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks over and picks the weights up easily.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: There. Alright?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Step aside, stringbean.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry puts down the weights, and rolls them out of the way. Izzy steps
|
|
in<br>
|
|
front of a much, much, more substantial set of weights.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: I'll show you. We're gonna take it up a notch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy bends and takes hold of the bar. The second he puts any effort into
|
|
the<br>
|
|
lift, there is a loud crunching noise and a pained look of horror comes
|
|
to<br>
|
|
his face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: (agonised) Ah! My back. Ugh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy keeps hold of the bar as he slowly keels over forwards. The circular<br>
|
|
weights roll in front of him and Izzy gently falls forward until he's
|
|
face<br>
|
|
down on the floor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: (drawn out) Aaaahh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry, Morty and Sid, look on, concerned.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SID: Somebody, call an ambulance.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: (unpanicked) There's already an ambulance here for Mrs Glickman.<br>
|
|
There's room for one more.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Outside Movie Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine is at the same movie theatre as before,but alone this time. She's<br>
|
|
buying her ticket from the booth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (handing over her money) Okay, one for Sack Lunch. (taking the<br>
|
|
ticket) It's good, right? (smiling) Yeah, good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine turns to enter the theatre, and meets Gail, Carol and Lisa coming
|
|
out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
LISA: We just saw The English Patient again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: It's even better the second time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: They make it longer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Out of the theatre comes Blaine, carrying an umbrella.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: (to the girls) Got my umbrella.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (shocked) Blaine!?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I thought you were busy tonight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: (cold) Well, to tell you the truth Elaine. I don't know if I can
|
|
be<br>
|
|
with someone who doesn't like The English Patient.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: It's just a stupid movie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: (to Carol) That's what I'm talking about.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CAROL: (taking Blaine's arm) Come on, Blaine. Let's go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BLAINE: (bitter) Enjoy Sack Lunch!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Blaine walks away with the girls.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (fierce) I will!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Seinfeld Residence, Del Boca Vista]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Helen is talking to Jerry, with Morty on the couch. Helen and Morty are
|
|
in<br>
|
|
their nightclothes. Morty has on the '#1 DAD' shirt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: (accusing) How could you do that to Mr Mandelbaum? You should be<br>
|
|
ashamed of yourself.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (defensive) He egged me on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: You should be more mature.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He's eighty!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: (standing) Okay. Tomorrow, Jerry and I will visit Izzy and apologise.<br>
|
|
Now, goodnight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty begins to head to the bedroom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: (walking after Morty) You're not sleeping in that shirt. It's too<br>
|
|
tight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: This shirt will never leave my body.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Helen follows Morty down the short hallway.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: (to Jerry) Goodnight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There is a knock at the door. Jerry answers it. Outside are three<br>
|
|
Hispanic-looking guys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUILLERMO: Jerry Seinfeld please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got
|
|
the<br>
|
|
cigars?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The guys enter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUILLERMO: What cigars?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUILLERMO: (indicating the threesome) We are the Cubans.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry stares, stunned.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer stands, shirtless, in Jerry's kitchen. There's a pot on the stove,
|
|
and<br>
|
|
Kramer's chopping vegetables on a board. The phone rings and Kramer answers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In the Seinfelds' condo, the three guys are asleep on the fold-out couch
|
|
and<br>
|
|
a chair, while an upset Jerry rants into the phone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from Cuba?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Cigars!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I
|
|
got<br>
|
|
these guys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (incredulous) You're making your own cigars now?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Behind Jerry, Morty wanders over to the kitchen counter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty sorts through some pill bottles, before picking one out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: (without looking up) Who are they?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: They're Cuban cigar rollers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: (walking back out of the room) Don't tell your mother.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Something catches Jerry's ear on the phone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hot and spicy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yes I am.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What colour is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer looks down at his bare torso, and can't think.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Damn!<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer hangs up the phone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[New York Hallway]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George and Danielle walk up to her door in her building. George has a
|
|
napkin<br>
|
|
in his hand on which is some scribbled numbers. Danielle is looking at<br>
|
|
George, very much as if she's interested.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You..you didn't<br>
|
|
have to take me out to dinner.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: I wanted to give it to you in person.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George shrugs his understanding.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: (flirtatious) You know, I don't have to be up in the morning,
|
|
and I<br>
|
|
know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle gives George a big smile. George smiles, but thoughtfully.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: (inviting) Why don't you come in? We'll take about it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (looking at his watch) I really should get going. Y'know, I..I
|
|
wanna<br>
|
|
be home in case Neil calls.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: Well, goodnight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle leans toward George, for a kiss. But George walks away completely<br>
|
|
oblivious to Danielle.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (hurried) I'll see you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle looks down the hall after George, looking perplexed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Monk's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
An unhappy Elaine sits at the counter as the waitress pours her coffee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WAITRESS: Rough night?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends,
|
|
who<br>
|
|
I don't even like, they won't talk to me. (face-pulling) All because I
|
|
don't<br>
|
|
like that stupid English Patient movie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WAITRESS: Really? I thought it was pretty good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex
|
|
scenes!<br>
|
|
I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WAITRESS: (sour) Well, I liked it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The waitress takes the coffee pot and walks away into the back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello?<br>
|
|
(irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Mandelbaum Residence, Del Boca Vista]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Morty stroll into the bedroom of the hugely impressive Mandelbaum<br>
|
|
condo. Morty is still wearing the '#1 DAD' shirt under his tracksuit.
|
|
Izzy is<br>
|
|
asleep in the bed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: This is quite a condo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The crepe place?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Yeah. This is all big crepe money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (doubtful) There's crepe money?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy wakes up and sees the Seinfelds at the foot of his bed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: What are you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell
|
|
you<br>
|
|
how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy stares at Morty as Jerry speaks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: What the hell is that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: That shirt. You think that you are the number one dad?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: This was a gift from my son.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Morty displays the shirt proudly. Jerry smiles.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta<br>
|
|
commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy number<br>
|
|
one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy starts to move to get out of bed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Mr Mandelbaum, please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: It's go time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy stands up and there is a familiar crunching noise. Izzy freezes in
|
|
his<br>
|
|
stance, arms raised.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: (pained) Ahh. My back. I can't move.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Morty look on with horrified concern.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Call an ambulance.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I think I saw one a coupla doors down.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry darts out of the door, followed moments later by Morty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Jerry's Apartment/Del Boca Vista]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry has just returned from Florida, and is putting away his bag. A worried<br>
|
|
George sits at the table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (disbelief) So she wanted you to come up, but you left because
|
|
you<br>
|
|
thought some guy might be calling you?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry puts his bag in the bedroom and returns as George paces the floor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how
|
|
he<br>
|
|
could get a girl like Danielle.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget
|
|
about<br>
|
|
Neil. You've out-Neiled him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't know, but you better keep it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil
|
|
in<br>
|
|
town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George exits, cheerfully. The phone rings as the door closes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole<br>
|
|
operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In Florida, Helen and Morty each have a handset. Morty is still wearing
|
|
the<br>
|
|
'#1 DAD' shirt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back<br>
|
|
specialist?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I will, I just walked in the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: You have to go see him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ma.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Helen, will you stop bothering him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HELEN: Jerry, that shirt is gone right to his head.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MORTY: Number One, signing off.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Seinfelds hang up. Jerry's door opens and Kramer bursts in, agitated.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill)<br>
|
|
What's going on!?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's
|
|
off.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What's the difference?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else
|
|
like<br>
|
|
it.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (confused) We're talking about people, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These<br>
|
|
guys don't have it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I thought they smelled pretty nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, your palate's unrefined.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Is not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Is too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Is not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Is too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm not having this conversation.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Are too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Am not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Are too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Am not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Are too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[J Peterman's Office]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Peterman lounges behind his desk, as Elaine and another employee pick
|
|
up<br>
|
|
notes, photographs, etc.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: Another productive meeting. By the way, I saw that English Patient<br>
|
|
film last night. It was extraordinary.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DUGAN: (enthusiastic) Oh yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dugan walks away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: Elaine, what'd you think?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (hesitant) Well, uh, act..actually, I haven't seen it. So, I couldn't<br>
|
|
tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: (aghast) You haven't seen it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (shakes head) No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Peterman stuffs some paperwork into a desk drawer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[The New York Hospital]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy is in a hospital bed, as Jerry stands beside it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the
|
|
best.<br>
|
|
So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try
|
|
and<br>
|
|
find my number.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry turns to walk out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Uh, oh, wait.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy rummages on his bedside table and picks up a t-shirt. He holds it
|
|
up to<br>
|
|
his chest so Jerry can read what's written on it. 'World's Greatest DAD!'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest Dad. My son made it for
|
|
me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (humouring him) That's very nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: The best in the world. (pointing to himself) Which means I'm better<br>
|
|
than just number one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Behind Jerry, an elderly bald guy leans round the doorframe and raps on
|
|
the<br>
|
|
door, attracting Izzy's attention.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Hi, son.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: Hi daddy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (surprise) This is your son?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: I got married in high school.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: (to Jerry) Hey, who are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: This is Seinfeld's kid.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? (squaring
|
|
up to<br>
|
|
Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (jocular) You got any kids?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: Oh, you think you're better than me? (challenging) Go ahead,
|
|
pick<br>
|
|
out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: (pointing) The television.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (under his breath) Oh no.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy Jr walks over to the TV, which sits on top of a cabinet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: This one's for you, Pop. It's go time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy Jr takes a grip on the TV, but there's another crunching sound as
|
|
he<br>
|
|
tries to lift, and an agonised expression comes to his face. Jerry cringes
|
|
in<br>
|
|
the background.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: (pained) Ohh! My back!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: (urgent) Call an ambulance.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (laconic) We're already in a hospital.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Earl Haffler's Office]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
A suit-wearing Kramer is in the office of Earl Haffler - cigar-smoking,<br>
|
|
stetson-wearing, Texan businessman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HAFFLER: Awright, partner. Let's get down to business.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (nervous) Okay, well, uh, I'll uh, I'll get the Cubans.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer walks over to the door trying to smile confidently.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: They're right out here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer calls a few words of nonsense Spanish out of the door, and the
|
|
three<br>
|
|
guys stroll in. They are dressed in Castro-style green fatigues and caps.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey, here they are. The Cubans. Real Cubans.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Earl Haffler regards the three for a second or two.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HAFFLER: You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler Dominicans in
|
|
a<br>
|
|
Cuban wrapper now, would you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (fidgety) Oh, now, come on. Look at these boys. If they were any
|
|
more<br>
|
|
Cuban, Castro would've smoked them himself. Huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HAFFLER: (confusion) We're talking about people, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (puzzled) I think so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HAFFLER: I thought he quit smoking cigars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, yeah, yeah. But they also rolled for his brother... (thinks
|
|
for<br>
|
|
a second) ...Dennis.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HAFFLER: (dubious) Dennis Castro?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Uh, Dwayne.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
HAFFLER: Get the hell outta my office.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (shrill) What!?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Monk's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle and George walk over to, and sit in, a booth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: You know, Neil called me today.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (interested) Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: Yeah. He's pretty upset that I broke up with him to go out with<br>
|
|
you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (smug) Ah, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: He wants to get together tomorrow night and have coffee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (little worried) Coffee? (thinks) I can beat that. Move in with
|
|
me.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: (surprised) What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (smiles) Beats the hell out of coffee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle smiles at George, still a touch confused.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Movie Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Peterman and Elaine sit in the auditorium. The English Patient is playing
|
|
and<br>
|
|
many of the crowd are tearfully dabbing their eyes. Peterman is particularly<br>
|
|
emotional. Elaine looks completely bored, and is tossing pieces of popcorn
|
|
up<br>
|
|
in the air to try and catch them in her mouth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: (emotional) And I thought I knew what love was.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
One of Elaine's bits of popcorn misses her mouth and falls behind her
|
|
seat.<br>
|
|
Elaine twists round and reaches over to retrieve it, before slumping in
|
|
her<br>
|
|
seat wearily.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (indifferent) Yuh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Monk's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George sit in a booth. George looks ragged and is swigging from
|
|
a<br>
|
|
bottle of some anti-acid medication.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (incredulous) You asked her to move in with you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George thinks for a moment, his eyes twitching.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (animated) Then I'm going to Mars!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What if it's Neil Diamond?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What, to see the old guy?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: How old's the son?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I think he's the same age as the father.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What is with this family?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to
|
|
bench<br>
|
|
press the casket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer sidles into the coffee shop. He peers past the register, to where
|
|
the<br>
|
|
three guys are sitting in the far corner, talking together. Then he moves<br>
|
|
over to join Jerry and George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (quietly) Hey, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer indicates the three guys with his thumb.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You're cold?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Something wrong with your chest?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (leaning round Kramer) Where?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (urgent) No, no. Don't look. Don't look.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and George look as if they're infected by Kramer's nervousness,
|
|
as they<br>
|
|
try and look surreptitiously at the Dominicans.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Over there. The Dominicans.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them
|
|
to<br>
|
|
do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You<br>
|
|
know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In the corner, one of the Dominicans thumps the table, as if to underscore
|
|
a<br>
|
|
point in his argument.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and
|
|
the<br>
|
|
people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself,<br>
|
|
shrill) El Presidente!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Again, one of the Dominicans thumps the table. Kramer jumps at the sound.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[The New York Hospital]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy and Izzy Jr are laid up in beds placed side-by-side.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, in Florida.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He couldn't handle the weight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: (hostile) Oh, so now you think you're better than me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: (indicating Izzy) You think you're better than him?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're<br>
|
|
both better than me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
An even more elderly guy than Izzy enters the room behind Jerry. He spreads<br>
|
|
his arms in greeting to the Mandelbaums.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY SR.: My boys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: My dad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: My grandpa.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (incredulous) Oh, come on!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY SR.: (indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He was trying to lift the TV.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY SR.: (pointing) That TV?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Izzy Sr. strides purposefully toward the TV.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Off-screen there is a familiar crunching sound<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY IZZY SR.. (O.C.): (pained) Oohh!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[The New York Hospital]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
All three of the Mandelbaums are in a row of beds in the same room.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY SR.: Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted down!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: I still thought you could do it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY JR.: Me too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY/IZZY JR/IZZY IZZY SR.: (chanting and punching the air) Mandelbaum,<br>
|
|
Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've<br>
|
|
ruined our business with all your macho head games.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (defensive) I didn't ruin your business.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Yes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll
|
|
the<br>
|
|
crepes. We gotta close it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts
|
|
the<br>
|
|
magic in Magic Pan!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you later.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry turns and starts to leave, but is called back.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd06 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY SR.: (calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks to the TV and picks it,and the attached cabinet up. HE carries
|
|
it<br>
|
|
across the room to the foot of Izzy Sr.'s bed,where he places it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry walks out of the room followed by the angry cries of Izzy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
IZZY: You think you're better than us,don't you?! Huh!?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Movie Theatre]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Peterman and Elaine are still in front of The English Patient. Peterman<br>
|
|
stares, enraptured, at the screen. Elaine is totally frantic with boredom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't
|
|
take my<br>
|
|
eyes off the passion.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (quiet vehemence) Oh. No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's
|
|
too<br>
|
|
long. (to the screen) Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid<br>
|
|
desert, and just die already! (louder) Die!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The other movie patrons turn and shush Elaine, who sits back in her seat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: (surprised) Elaine. You don't like the movie?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (shouts) I hate it!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CROWD: Shh!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (shouts) Oh, go to hell!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
PETERMAN: (quietly) Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're<br>
|
|
fired.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you outside.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine hurriedly gets out of her seat and leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Magic Pan Restaurant]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine sit in a booth, talking over coffee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He was gonna fire you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go
|
|
and<br>
|
|
visit the Tunisian desert.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Tunisia?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I have to live in a cave.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (sardonic) Oh. (smiles)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer comes over to the booth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at
|
|
that.<br>
|
|
It's like they're rolling a double corona.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The three Dominican guys are making crepes, and then rolling them around<br>
|
|
fillings.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (to one of the guys) Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Dominican smiles back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Over in another part of the restaurant, Danielle sits in a booth with
|
|
Neil.<br>
|
|
Neil is clearly bald, but has his back to the camera.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: I'm very happy with George. I'm sorry Neil, it's over.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Neil's head drops at this news.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: Come on, let's just eat our crepes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Dominicans are handing out plates of rolled crepes to various tables.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
At one table a customer prods a rolled crepe with his fork and a jet of<br>
|
|
scalding hot filling squirts out into his face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CUSTOMER: (pained scream) Aaghh!! My face!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
At another table, another customer digs his fork in, and is rewarded with
|
|
a<br>
|
|
faceful of blistering filling.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Neil sticks his fork into his crepe and recoils as hot liquid jets into
|
|
his<br>
|
|
face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: (concerned cry) Neil!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The restaurant is in chaos as yells of pain come from all sides. Elaine,<br>
|
|
Jerry and Kramer look round at the commotion.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why are the crepes spraying?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (looks over at the three guys) The Dominicans are rolling them
|
|
too<br>
|
|
tight. (regretful) Uhm, well, that's why you gotta get real Cubans.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Another scream rents the air.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Metropolitan Hospital Center]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
In a hospital room, Neil lies in a bed, his face obscured with bandages
|
|
and<br>
|
|
an IV line connected to him. Danielle is there fussing with the remains
|
|
of a<br>
|
|
hospital meal on a tray. George enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Danielle. Where's Neil? (indicating the bed) Is this him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George picks up a walking stick which was propped against the bed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (to Danielle) Whose cane is this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: It's Neil's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle walks away with a water jug from Neil's table. She goes to a
|
|
sink in<br>
|
|
the corner as George speaks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (to himself) A cane. I knew it. (to Neil) So, we meet at last.
|
|
I<br>
|
|
admire your skills, Mr Peanut.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle brings back the jug.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, Danielle, (digs in his pocket) we should get going. I got
|
|
a key<br>
|
|
made for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George flourishes a doorkey before Danielle.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: George, I can't move in with you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (shocked) What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: I'm sorry, but I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (animated) N..no, no. You can't leave me. (frantic) Marry me!
|
|
I'll<br>
|
|
burn myself. I'll burn my parents!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANIELLE: Sorry George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danielle takes the jug and leaves the room. Dejectedly, George wanders
|
|
toward<br>
|
|
the door. As he moves, Neil whispers to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEIL: (beckoning) George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George leans over to Neil, so he can hear him speak.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
NEIL: (quiet triumph) I win.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George purses his lips and nods ruefully. He stands up and leaves, closing<br>
|
|
the door behind him. There is a brief pause, then the door opens a few
|
|
inches<br>
|
|
and George's hand reaches back inside the room, takes hold of the IV line
|
|
and<br>
|
|
tugs it sharply, breaking it free of the IV bag,and drops it. Then the
|
|
hand<br>
|
|
is withdrawn and the door closes again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[Plane]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine sits in an aisle seat in a 747, reading a Let's Go Tunisia book.
|
|
She<br>
|
|
listens as a voice comes over the tannoy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TAN: Ladies and gentlemen. In just one moment, we'll be showing our feature<br>
|
|
presentation...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (dread) No, no, no, no, no.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TAN: ...the comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (cheering up) Ah, right! Aw, this is shaping up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Smiling, Elaine puts down her book to watch the movie. Someone from a
|
|
<!-- BeginAd07 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
seat<br>
|
|
beside her wants to get out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUY: Excuse me, please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, sure.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The guy pushes past her. He's holding a rolled-up magazine closely to
|
|
his<br>
|
|
body, as if concealing something and, strangely, is wearing a '#1 DAD'<br>
|
|
t-shirt. There's a little awkwardness as he squeezes by.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (uncomfortable) Ooh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The guy walks down the aisle and turns to face the passengers. Two other
|
|
guys<br>
|
|
in '#1 DAD' t-shirts flank him. They are the three Dominican guys.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUILLERMO: Ladies and gentlemen. Because we have been exploited by your
|
|
Magic<br>
|
|
Pan crepe restaurants...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
From inside his magazine, Guillermo produces a revolver. The other two
|
|
guys<br>
|
|
also pull out guns, which they point upwards and cock, loudly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUILLERMO: ...we are hijacking this plane to Cuba!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There is consternation among the passengers, shocked looks, gasps, etc.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GUILLERMO: Everyone stay in your seats. And shut that movie off!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (annoyed) Aww, nuts!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[End]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><br>
|
|
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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<p
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