741 lines
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741 lines
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<h1>The Ex-Girlfriend</h1>
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Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p>Directed by: Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: January 23, 1991 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Tracy Kolis (as Marlene).</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: Nightclub]</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this
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type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice.. Never
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quite sure, "Is this the best lane for</p>
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<p>me? For my life?" They're always a little bit ahead of you,
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"Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I
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get in there?" "Yeah, come on over here, pal.</p>
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<p>We're zoomin' over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows
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about it.." The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological
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test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not</p>
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<p>even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly.
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So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that.
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I mean, what will happen?</p>
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<p>Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible?
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That someday we'll be going "Boy, this is some really bad traffic
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now, boy. This, is really bad.</p>
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<p>I'm gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way."</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's car]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: She can't kill me right?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, of course not.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: People break up all the time.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Everyday.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: It just didn't work out. What can I do? I wanted to love
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her. I tried to love her. I couldn't.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You tried.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I kept looking at her face. I'd go: "C'mon, love her.
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Love her!"</p>
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<p>JERRY: Did you tell her you loved her?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! She'd tell
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me she loved me. Alright, at first, I just look at her. I'd go "Oh,
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really?" or "Boy, that's, that's</p>
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<p>something." But, eventually you have to come back with "Well,
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I love you." You know, you can only hold out for so long!"</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're a human being.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: And I didn't even ask her out. She asked me out first.
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She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? I can't do
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that to someone.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're too nice a guy.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I am. I'm a nice guy.. (realizing) And she seduced me!
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We were in my apartment, I'm sitting on the couch, she's on the
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chair - I get up to go to the</p>
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<p>bathroom, I come back, she's on the couch. What am I supposed to
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do? Not do anything? I couldn't do that. I would've insulted her.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're flesh and blood.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends,
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I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it
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would only get me in deeper. But</p>
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<p>they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place.
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"This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy.. This is my cousin..
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this is my brother.. thisis my father."</p>
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<p>It's like I'm in quicksand.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I told you when I met her..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: My back is killing me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You gotta go to my chiropractor, he's the best.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh yeah, everybody's guy is the best.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm gonna make an appointment for you. We'll go together.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Please. They don't do anything.. Look, do I have to break
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up with her in person? CAn't I do it over the phone? I have no stomach
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for these things.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion! Right
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off!</p>
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<p>(Car door opens, it's Elaine)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hi.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hi.</p>
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<p>(George pulls his seat forward to allow Elaine into the back seats)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey, what are you doing?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm letting you in.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh no. No. I don't want to sit in the back. I'll be left
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out of the conversation.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, you won't.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yes, I will, George. I'll have to sick my chin on top of
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the seat.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Okay..</p>
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<p>(George gets out, and gestures for Elaine to sit in the seat)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Why can't you sit in the middle?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Please, it doesn't look good. Boy, boy, girl.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little
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homophobic, aren't you?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Is it that obvious?</p>
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<p>(Elaine sits in the middle)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hello, Jerry.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hello.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Did you get a haircut?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, shower. So, where are we eating?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Tell me if you think this is strange: There's this guy
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who lives in my building, who I was introduced to a couple of years
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ago by a friend. He's a teacher, or</p>
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<p>something. Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other
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on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we
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would chat a little.. Nothing</p>
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<p>much. Little pleasantries. He was a nice guy, he's got a family..
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then after a while, I noticed there was not more stopping. Just
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saying hello and continuing on our way.</p>
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<p>And then the verbal hellos stopped, and we just went into these
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little sort of nods of recognition. So, fine. I figure, that's where
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this relationship is finally gonna settle:</p>
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<p>polite nodding. Then one day, he doesn't nod. Like I don't exist?!
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He went from nods to nothing.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (imitating Tony Bennett) "You know, I'd go from nods
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to nothing.."</p>
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<p>ELAINE: And now, there's this intense animosity whenever we passs.
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I mean, it's like we really hate each other. It's based on nothing.</p>
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<p>JERRY: A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and
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then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened
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to The Blob.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I think you absolutely have to say something to this guy.
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Confront him.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Really?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yes.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You would do that?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: If I was a different person.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment; Jerry's on the phone]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hello.. hello. Is Glenn there? I'm sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?..
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Yes, I know I have the wrong number. But I just want to know if
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I dialed wrong or if..</p>
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<p>(Other guy hangs up on Jerry; he redials; enter Kramer)</p>
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<p>(The buzzer buzzes; Kramer answers it)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Come on up.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Into phone) Oh, it's you again. See? Now if you had answered
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me, I wouldn't have had to do this. Now that's too long distance
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calls I made to you why</p>
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<p>can't you.. (guy hangs up on Jerry again). (To Kramer) Why? Why
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do they just hang up like that?! Thank you very much.</p>
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<p>(Kramer holds up cantaloupe)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Taste this.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, I just had a sandwich.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, taste it. Taste it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't want cantaloupe now.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You've never had cantaloupe like this before.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I only eat cantaloupe at certain times.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry. This is great cantaloupe.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Alright.. (tastes it)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ah, huh. It's good?</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's very good.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Good, huh?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Good.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I got it at Joe's.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Uh-Huh.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than
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what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't
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go to Joe's.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's too far.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart..</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear?
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A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he
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takes it right back.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going
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in.</p>
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<p>(Enter George; he's extremely excited - he's dancing around the
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room, singing the Zorba theme)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm outta there. I did it! It's over.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You did it? What happened?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I told her. In the kitchen - which was risky 'cause it's
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near all the knives. I started with the word "Listen."</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ah ha.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I said, "Listen Marlene," and then the next thing
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I know, I'm in the middle of it. And there's this voice inside of
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me going: "You're doing it! You're doing</p>
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<p>it!" And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I
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almost relented, but the voice, Jerry. The voice said "Keep
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going, keep going. You're almost out!" It's like I</p>
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<p>was making a prison break, you know. And I'm heading for the wall,
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and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you,
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you know. So, somehow I get</p>
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<p>though the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started.
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She's firing at me from the guard tower: "Son of a bang! Son
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of a boom!" I get to the top of the wall -</p>
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<p>the front door. I opened it up, I'm one foot away, I took one last
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look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!</p>
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<p>JERRY: See, it's never as bad as you imagine.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>KRAMER: I liked Marlene. What's her number?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, I, I don't think so.</p>
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<p>(Kramer stants making noises while eating)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Could you stop that smacking?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh no, thank you.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's the best cantaloupe I ever had.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, really. No, no, thanks.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's very good cantaloupe. (changing subject) So that's
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it? You're out?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Except for one small problem. I left some books in her
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apartment.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So, go get them.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, no. No, I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward
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and, you know, it could be dangerous - sexually. Something could
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happen, I'd be right back</p>
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<p>where I started.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So forget about the books. Did you read them?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, yeah.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What do you need them for?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't know. They're books.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What is this obsession people have with books? They put
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them in their houses - like they're trophies. What do you need it
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for after you read it?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: They're MY books.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So you want me to get those books? Is that it?</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Coffee Shop]</p>
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<p>(Jerry and Marlene are sitting, a pile of books are on the table.)</p>
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<p>MARLENE: ..So, it must've been ninety-five degrees that night,
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and everyone's just standing around the pool with little drinks
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in their hands. I was wearing my old</p>
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<p>jeans and T-shirt. And I don't know, I was just in one of those
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moods - so I said to myself, "Marlene, just do it," and
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I jumped in. And as I'm getting out, I feel all</p>
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<p>these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at
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me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So what'd you do?</p>
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<p>MARLENE: Well, nothing. It's not skin off my hide if people like
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to look. I just didn't see what the big attraction was.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a
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guess.</p>
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<p>MARLENE: (Laughs) Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and
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I don't see each other anymore, it doesn't mean we shouldn't stay
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friends.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No.</p>
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<p>MARLENE: Good enough. I'm really glad we got that settled.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Chiropractor waiting room]</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Irritated) I don't know how this happened.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Jerry, it's not my fault.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books.
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Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great
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thing? When you read</p>
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<p>Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends.
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You know, it's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything, but,
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my God! I mean, we've</p>
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<p>had like three lunches and a movie. And she never stops calling.
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(George nods - he knows exactly what Jerry's talking about) And
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it's these meaningless,</p>
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<p>purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything.
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I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: That's standard. Has she left you one of those messages
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where she uses up the whole machine?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ohh.. you know, and sometimes she'll go, "Hello, Jerry?"
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and I'll go "Oh, hi Marlene." And then it's "Jerry.."</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What about getting off the phone?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ohhhh.. you can't. It's impossible. There's no break in
|
|
the conversation where you can go, "Alright, then.. "
|
|
You know, it just goes on and on and on with</p>
|
|
<p>out a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion, right off! She
|
|
is sexy though. Don't you think?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Yes, she is.</p>
|
|
<p>(Receptionist enters)</p>
|
|
<p>RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Costanza?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>RECEPTIONIST: The doctor'll see you now.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. I'm going to have
|
|
to wait in that little room by myself, aren't I? (Picks up a crossword
|
|
puzzle) I better take this. I</p>
|
|
<p>hate the little room. "Oh, hello, Doctor."</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room.
|
|
'Cause it says "Waiting room." There's no chance of not
|
|
waiting, 'cause they call it the waiting</p>
|
|
<p>room, they're going to use it. They've got it. It's all set up
|
|
for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your
|
|
little magazine. You pretend you're</p>
|
|
<p>reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You
|
|
know, you're thinking about about them things like "I wonder
|
|
what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm</p>
|
|
<p>getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and
|
|
it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand
|
|
up and you kinda look around at the other</p>
|
|
<p>people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll
|
|
see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to
|
|
see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No.</p>
|
|
<p>You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting room.
|
|
But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you,
|
|
you want to be in the smallest</p>
|
|
<p>room that they have, I think. You don't wnat to be in the largest
|
|
room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating
|
|
theaters, that they have,</p>
|
|
<p>with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing antying to
|
|
you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this!"
|
|
"Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do</p>
|
|
<p>that to him?" "Are there seats? Can we get in?"
|
|
Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow
|
|
tumor, I got two.."</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Waiting room]</p>
|
|
<p>(George returns)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, how was it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything.
|
|
(Imitating doctor) Touch this, feel that. Seventy-five bucks.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, it's a first visit.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What's seventy-five bucks? What, am I seeing Sinatra in
|
|
there?! Amd I being entertained? I don't understand this. I'm only
|
|
paying half.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You can't do that.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no. I pay what I say.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's car]</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: Are you feeling weird?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I'm fine.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: Nothing really happened.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, I know.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: We just kissed a little. People kiss.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: Well.. night.</p>
|
|
<p>(Leans over and kisses Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Good night.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters with a golf club)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I got it! This time, I got it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hips! See, it's all hips.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh-huh.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You gotta come through with the hips first. (Demonstrates)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That is out there.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer notices Jerry's eating cantaloupe, his eyes light up)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Joe's?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, supermarket.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, is it good?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Let me taste it. (Takes a bite, spits it out) See, that
|
|
stinks. You can't eat that. You should take it back.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm not taking it back.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Alright, I'll take it back. I'm going by there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't care about it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be
|
|
taken out of circulation.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright. Take it back.</p>
|
|
<p>(Phone rings, Jerry is reluctant to answer it)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (On his answering machine) Leave a message, I'll call you
|
|
back.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: (Leaving a message) Jerry, have you ever taken a bath
|
|
in the dark? If I'm not talking into the soap right now, call me
|
|
back.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Marlene</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, I took her home one night - we kinda started up a
|
|
little bit in the car.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I thought you were trying to get rid of her?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I was. She's got me, like, hypnotized.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Does George know?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, he'd go nuts.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, no kidding.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I feel terrible. (Kramer smiles) I mean, I've seen her a
|
|
couple of times since then, and I know I can't go any further, but..
|
|
I've just got this like,</p>
|
|
<p>psycho-sexual hold over me. I just want her, I can't breathe. It's
|
|
like a drug.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Woah, psycho-sexual.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know how I'm going to tell him.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Man, I don't understand people. I mean, why would George
|
|
want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's partially you, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone
|
|
else. Some jerk that he doesn't even know.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, he can't kill me, right?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You're a human being.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I mean, she called me. I haven't called her. She started
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You're flesh and blood.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm a nice guy.</p>
|
|
<p>(Enter Elaine, she's holding a lamp)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hi. (Hands Jerry the lamp)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, my little airplane lamp.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city?
|
|
That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the
|
|
offices, because you don't have to be home on time.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Unless you're married to a dictator..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.. because they would be very demanding people.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Right. Exactly. So I imagine at some point, somebody's
|
|
going to offer me some cantaloupe.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Nope. No good.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, you know what they say: Luck in love, Unlucky with
|
|
fruit.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I'm taking this back. (Leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Really? That guy who stopped saying hello?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yep.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You talked to him?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yep. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was
|
|
just going to walk on by, but then I thought "no, no, no, no.
|
|
Do not be afraid of this man."</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Right.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder.
|
|
And I said, "Hi, remember me?" And he furrows his brow
|
|
as if he's really trying to figure it</p>
|
|
<p>out. So I said to him, I said, "You little phony. You know
|
|
exactly who I am."</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: "You little phony"?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, "Oh,
|
|
yeah. You're Jeanette's friend. We did meet once." And I said,
|
|
"Well, how do you go from that to</p>
|
|
<p>totally ignoring a person when they walk by?"</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Amazing.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: And he says, he says, "Look, I just didn't want to
|
|
say hello anymore, alright?" And I said, "Fine. Fine I
|
|
didn't want to say hello anymore either, but I</p>
|
|
<p>wanted you to know that I'm aware of it."</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine tastes some cantaloupe)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You are the Queen of Confrontation. You're my new hero.
|
|
In fact, you've inspired me. I'm gonna call George about something
|
|
right now.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This cantaloupe stinks. (Spits it out)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Coffee Shop]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't care.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're kidding.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, I don't care.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You mean that?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Absolutely.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You don't care?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How could you not care?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't know. But I don't. I'm actually almost happy to
|
|
hear it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I thought you'd be upset.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I guess I should be but I'm not.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, you're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. She's
|
|
very sexy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That voice. That voice. She's driving me crazy.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I know, I know.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So I can see her tonight, and you don't care?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: See her tonight. See her tomarrow. Go. Knock yourself out.
|
|
She's too crazy for me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright. As long as you're okay. Because I can't stop thinking
|
|
about her.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm wonderful. I never felt better
|
|
in my whole life.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Good. And I'll tell you what.. You don't have to pay me
|
|
back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of
|
|
your bill.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Angry) You paid that crook?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I had to.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: He didn't do anything, Jerry. It's a scam! Who told you
|
|
to do that?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It was embarrassing to me.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I was trying to make a point.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why don't you make a point with your own doctor? (George
|
|
gulps) What's wrong?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! ..I swallowed a fly!
|
|
What do I do? What can happen?</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's car]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ..So, you want to come up for a few minutes?</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: ..I'm sorry, Jerry. I just don't think this is going to
|
|
work.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Really? I thought..</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: I know, I'm sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I guess I just didn't expect it from the way you've been
|
|
acting.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: You sure you want to talk about this? 'Cause I sure don't.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Of course I want to talk about it.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: ..I saw your act.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: My act? What does that have to do with anything?</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: Well, to be honest, it just didn't make it for me. It's
|
|
just so much fluff.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I can't believe this. So what are you saying? You didn't
|
|
like my act, so that's it?</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're a cashier!</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: Look, Jerry, it's just not my kind of humor.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You can't go by the audience that night. It was late. They
|
|
were terrible.</p>
|
|
<p>MARLENE: I heard the material.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I have other stuff. You should come see me on the weekend.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they
|
|
don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which
|
|
is why we make up the phony</p>
|
|
<p>bogus names for the jobs that we have. "Well, right now, I'm
|
|
the regional management supervisor." "I'm in development,
|
|
research, consulting." Men on the other</p>
|
|
<p>hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman are not that
|
|
concerned with her job. Are we? Men don't really care. Men'll just
|
|
go, "Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that</p>
|
|
<p>were you work? That sounds interesting. So whatdya got a big cleaver
|
|
there? You're just lopping their heads off? That sounds great! Listen,
|
|
why don't you shower</p>
|
|
<p>up, and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie."</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
|
|
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|
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