1224 lines
44 KiB
HTML
1224 lines
44 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Face Painter</h1>
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[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]<br>
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<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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Written by: Larry David<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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Episode no. 109<br>
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pc: 622, season 6, episode 23<br>
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Broadcast date: May 11, 1995<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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The Cast<br>
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<br>
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Regulars:<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer<br>
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<br>
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Guest Stars:<br>
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<br>
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Patrick Warburton.................David Puddy<br>
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Katy Selverstone..................Siena<br>
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Mark DeCarlo......................Alec Berg<br>
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Raye Birk.........................Mr. Pless<br>
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Pierrino Mascarino................Father Hernandez<br>
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Joe Lala..........................Priest<br>
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Peggy Lane O'Rourke...............Waitress<br>
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David Richardson..................Fan #1<br>
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Dave Powledge.....................Fan #2<br>
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Jan Eddy..........................Fan #3<br>
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Lawrence LeJohn...................Crowd Member<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening monologue.<br>
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<br>
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Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world. I think when
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you're at<br>
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the monkey level of pet ownership, have a kid. I mean, come on, you know,
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I<br>
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mean, you're *so* close. If you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke<br>
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cigars, it's time to think about a family. Monkeys, of course, were the
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first<br>
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astronauts in the sixties, which I'm sure made perfect sense in the monkey<br>
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brain. 'Maybe that is the next logical step for me, because I've been
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working<br>
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with the Italian guy and the crank organ, and I think I'm ready to handle
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the<br>
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maximum re-entry g-forces.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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First scene.<br>
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George and his date are talking in his car.<br>
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<br>
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George: Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper
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has<br>
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not changed in my lifetime? It's just paper on a cardboard roll, that's
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it. <br>
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And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really,<br>
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what else can they do?<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Siena: That's true. There really has been no development in toilet paper.<br>
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<br>
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George: And everything else has changed. But toilet paper is exactly the
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same,<br>
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and will be so until we're dead.<br>
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<br>
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Siena: Yeah, you're right George. What else can they do?<br>
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<br>
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George: It's just paper on a roll, that's it. And that's all it will ever
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be.<br>
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<br>
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Siena: Wow.<br>
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<br>
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George: You find this interesting, don't you?<br>
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<br>
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Siena: Yes. yes, I do.<br>
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<br>
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They stare at each other for a moment, then embrace.<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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New scene.<br>
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Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine (to the busboy): Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What are you telling him for?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: What?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: He's the busboy, you think he cares about the soup?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself.
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You<br>
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think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like
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the soup! <br>
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Keep it up!"?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Hey, isn't that Alec Berg?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John Houseman' name. Alec Beeerg.
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<br>
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Mr. Beeerg.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I can't stand him, he is so pretentious.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: John Houseman?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: No, Alec Berg.<br>
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<br>
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Alec (approaching): Elaine!<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Hi!<br>
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<br>
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Alec: Hi, how are you? Jerry.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Hi, Alec.<br>
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<br>
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Alec: Did you hear about Gary Fogel?<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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Alec: You gonna go to the funeral on Friday?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the Ranger game? Were those your
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seats<br>
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right behind the glass?<br>
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<br>
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Alec: Those are them, yeah. Season tickets. Uh, you know, unfortunately
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I<br>
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can't go tonight, so they're available if you'd like to use them.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Oh, I'd love to, are you sure?<br>
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<br>
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Alec: Absolutely, you just call my secretary, she'll arrange everything.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Gee thanks! Thanks a lot!<br>
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<br>
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Alec: It's my pleasure. Be good. (Walking away, he stops abruptly) You
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know,<br>
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I actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you know.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Alright, thanks again.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Thank you very much.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Really, thank you.<br>
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|
<br>
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<br>
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|
New scene.<br>
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|
Jerry and Elaine are back at his apartment.<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: Well what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing
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to read? <br>
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|
You know who these people are?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Who?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing
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else to<br>
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do, why not disturb you?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I will never understand people.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: They're the worst.<br>
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<br>
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George enters, carrying a bouquet of flowers and singing.<br>
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<br>
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George: Something's up, there's something in the air.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Well, what is with you?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: Well, I think this is it.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<br>
|
|
Elaine: What's it?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
George: I saw Siena again.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Siena?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, he's dating a crayon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: We discussed toilet paper.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Toilet paper?<br>
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<br>
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George: Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime,
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and<br>
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probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and she was<br>
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fascinated, fascinated!<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: What are you talking about?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Toilet paper's changed.<br>
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<br>
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|
Elaine: Yeah.<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: It's softer.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Softer.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: More sheets per roll<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Sheets.<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: Comes in a wide variety of colors.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Colors.<br>
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|
<br>
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George: Ok, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not really the point. Anyway,
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I'm<br>
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thinking of making a big move.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: What?<br>
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|
<br>
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George: I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night,
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then I<br>
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just chickened out.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the
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|
'I love<br>
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|
you' return?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: Fifty-fifty.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzoh
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|
ball<br>
|
|
hanging out there.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
George: Aw, I've just got to say it once, everybody else gets to say it,
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|
why<br>
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|
can't I say it?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: What, you never said it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, so it wasn't a total loss.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets to the Rangers-Devils
|
|
playoff<br>
|
|
game tonight!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, I'm there, Monongahela!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What about you, George?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George: Eh eh eh, can't do it, can't do it, sorry, I got a date.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: So, so.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh no no no, if you must know, I would rather be with her than
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|
go to<br>
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|
the game.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer: She must be a very special lady, huh George, yeah.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Well, what do I do with the extra ticket?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Oh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's a big Devils' fan.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Sure, fine with me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey, by the way, if anybody wants an inside tour of the zoo, Siena<br>
|
|
works there as a trainer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So she works at the zoo?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yeah, yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, like Diane Fosse. You know she's the only person that's
|
|
ever<br>
|
|
been accepted into gorilla society. And you know, once those gorillas
|
|
accept<br>
|
|
you, you got it made in the shade.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine is at Puddy's apartment, waiting in the living room while he gets
|
|
ready.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: So how long have you been a Devils' fan?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy (off camera): Since I was a kid, I'm from Jersey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah? Well, we're gonna kick your butts tonight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Hey, no way, man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: We're primed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Alright, you almost ready? Cause Jerry and Kramer are gonna be
|
|
here<br>
|
|
any second.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy enters wearing a Devils' jersey and red and green paint all over
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|
his face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What the--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: So what do you think?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: What is that?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Puddy: I painted my face.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (still in disbelief): You painted your face?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Puddy: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Why?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Puddy: You know, support the team.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, you can't walk around like that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Why not?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Because it's insane?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Hey, you gotta let them know you're out there, this is the playoffs.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There's a knock at the door, Puddy answers it. It's Jerry and Kramer.
|
|
Kramer<br>
|
|
enters first and does a typical 'Kramer take' when he sees Puddy's painted
|
|
face. <br>
|
|
He recovers quickly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Dave, um, painted his face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, that's cool. Well, you gotta support your team.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Ok, ready to go?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy (startlingly loud): LET'S GET IT ON!!! Alright!! Go Devils!! Go<br>
|
|
Devils!! Let's go Devils!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Madison Square Garden, the four of them are at the game. Three are seated,<br>
|
|
Puddy has his face pressed against the glass as there's action in his
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|
corner.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: You're dead, Messier! We're gonna get you, Messier!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fan #1: Will you sit down?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Hey man, I'm just trying to support the team.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Will you sit down? You're disturbing everybody. Sit down!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Oh yeah, because you're a Ranger fan and you know I'm messing with
|
|
their<br>
|
|
heads.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Just then the Devils score a goal and Puddy is back up, banging the glass.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Go Devils!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George and Siena are sitting in the car again. They're listening to the
|
|
hockey<br>
|
|
game on the radio.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Radio Announcer: Devils goal! Stephan Richer scores from just inside the
|
|
blue<br>
|
|
line! And the Devils take-- (George turns down the volume)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You know, I could have actually gone to that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Siena: So why didn't you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well, I didn't want to break our date.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Siena: Oh, well.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Because I... I love you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Siena: You know, I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and Puddy are walking on the street after the game.
|
|
The<br>
|
|
Devils must have won because Puddy is gloating.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Ha ha! We took it to you! You couldn't get it out of your zone
|
|
all<br>
|
|
night. We were aggressive, we didn't let you penetrate!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, that's enough out of you, there's still three more games
|
|
left<br>
|
|
in this series, my friend, and it's far from being over. Very far from
|
|
being<br>
|
|
over. (Notices a car coming right towards Puddy, who's crossing the street)
|
|
<br>
|
|
Watch out!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The car stops just short of hitting Puddy. There's an old priest in the<br>
|
|
passenger seat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy (pounding the hood): Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where you're<br>
|
|
driving, man! (He approaches the passenger side window) Don't mess with
|
|
the<br>
|
|
Devils, buddy. We're number one, we beat anybody! We're the Devils! The<br>
|
|
Devils!! Haaaa!!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy runs away, leaving the old priest shaken.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Hernandez: El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yup.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Big matzoh ball.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Huge matzoh ball.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Those damn 'I love you' returns.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well, it's all over. I slipped up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, you don't know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's
|
|
an 'I<br>
|
|
love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person
|
|
says,<br>
|
|
"I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get
|
|
something to eat.".<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Unless you're married.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her.
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, people hate that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Ideally.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Waitress: Matzoh ball soup?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: That'd be me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry enters his apartment carrying a bag of groceries. As soon as Jerry
|
|
closes<br>
|
|
the door, we hear Kramer's door open and close. That moment, Kramer walks
|
|
in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No question about it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, you know I'm supposed to go on this special tour today
|
|
with<br>
|
|
George's girlfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: At the zoo?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys,<br>
|
|
when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and
|
|
look<br>
|
|
and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone tells me
|
|
that he<br>
|
|
did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to
|
|
turn<br>
|
|
around. And then I *whap* let him have it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, he started it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It's a monkey, Kramer!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, I still think it's wrong.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, alright, fine. You take the monkey's side, alright, go
|
|
ahead.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm not taking anyone's side.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (walking out): Cause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering
|
|
something<br>
|
|
and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey<br>
|
|
tickets?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What do I gotta call him for? I thanked him five times when he
|
|
gave<br>
|
|
them to me, how many time I gotta thank him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the next day, it's common courtesy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking a stand against all this
|
|
over<br>
|
|
thanking.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Jerry, good manners are the glue of society.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million 'thank you's, I
|
|
wouldn't<br>
|
|
have taken the tickets in the first place.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, you know what this is gonna do? He's gonna be upset because<br>
|
|
you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for Friday night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Ah, you're out of your mind. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, where you going? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a funeral on Friday.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Who died?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so O would buy him
|
|
the<br>
|
|
toupee?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So he actually had it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, car accident. He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was<br>
|
|
driving and he lost control of the car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Riverside Gramercy Chapel. Jerry and Elaine are at Gary Fogel's funeral.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: That poor priest. He was just visiting from El Salvador. Now he's<br>
|
|
gone completely loco.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: The one Puddy screamed at in the car?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He won't leave his room in the<br>
|
|
church basement.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, that's what you get for getting mixed up with a face painter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being to do something<br>
|
|
like that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Gotta support the team.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Several women weep off camera. Elaine inspects her outfit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You know I really hate my clothes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I open up my closet, there's just nothing. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. (The weeping<br>
|
|
increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's like I
|
|
can wear<br>
|
|
something three or four times and that's it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Alec barely acknowledges the greeting and takes a seat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Did you see that? What kind of a 'hello' was that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Kramer is in the office at the zoo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pless: Ah, Mr. Kramer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pless: Thanks for coming.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So, uh, what did you want to see me about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pless: Well, Mr. Kramer, to get right to it, we're having a bit of
|
|
a<br>
|
|
problem with Barry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Barry?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pless: The chimpanzee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh. Well, uh, what's the problem?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pless: Well, he's not functioning the way he normally does. He seems<br>
|
|
depressed. He's lost his appetite. He's even curtailed his autoerotic<br>
|
|
activities. And we think this is directly related to the altercation he
|
|
had<br>
|
|
with you the other day.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So, so what do you want me to do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pless: Well, frankly we'd like you to apologize.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, well he started it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pless: Mr. Kramer, he is an innocent primate.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So am I. What about my feelings? Don't my feelings count for<br>
|
|
anything? Oh, only the poor monkey's important. Everything has to be done
|
|
for<br>
|
|
the monkey! Look, I'm sorry. I--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Siena: Hey, that's ok. Well, I've gotta go feed the marmosets.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (to Siena as she's walking out, but she appears to ignore): You
|
|
know<br>
|
|
George really likes you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pless: She doesn't hear too well out of her left ear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because
|
|
he didn't<br>
|
|
get the day-after 'thank you'?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Well, people never give a good 'hello' at a funeral. I mean, they
|
|
go<br>
|
|
like this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's the biggest.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey, they can't go, "Hey! You look fabulous!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey. Well, I just spoke to your girlfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Girlfriend, yeah, right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Anyway, she asked me to apologize to Barry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Barry?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: The monkey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything. It's the monkey that<br>
|
|
should be apologizing to me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, I'm sorry. Well, George, I tried to put the good word in
|
|
for you<br>
|
|
with Siena, but I don't think she heard me. You know, left ear?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, her boss told me that she can't hear very well out of her
|
|
left<br>
|
|
ear. What, you didn't know that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh my god.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's
|
|
like<br>
|
|
the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation<br>
|
|
of the earth to save Lois Lane!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Are you gonna say it again?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: That's the question, Jimmy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are still at Jerry's apartment, some time has passed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'm gonna do it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What? After what you just went through, I thought you said you'd
|
|
never<br>
|
|
say it again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'd like to say it once to someone that can actually hear it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George storms out of the apartment as Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: What's going on?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: He's gonna talk into her other ear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh. Well listen, I almost forgot to ask you. What happened at
|
|
the<br>
|
|
funeral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, I saw him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, so he's gonna give you the hockey tickets, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, not exactly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know if he's mad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, so what happened when you saw him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, I didn't really get a good 'hello', but see, I was at a funeral.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Uh huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: See, so I don't know if I got a funeral 'hello' or he was mad because
|
|
he<br>
|
|
didn't get his day-after 'thank you'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: See, I told you, Jerry, I told you!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Look, what do you want me to do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I want you to get on this phone and give him his 'thank you'!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No. No, I can't!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of<br>
|
|
society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why
|
|
don't<br>
|
|
you just get in your car and move to the East Side!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Look, we got five hours before the game. I am betting it was a
|
|
funeral<br>
|
|
'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we want to
|
|
go. <br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: You stubborn, stupid, silly man!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Puddy are at Elaine's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Hey, great dip. You made this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No, it's from the store.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Oh. Hey, how come people don't have dip for dinner? Why is it only
|
|
a<br>
|
|
snack, why can't it be a meal, you know? I don't understand stuff like
|
|
that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: David? David, I think we aught to talk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Alright, that's cool.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: David, I don't think we should see each other anymore.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: You gotta be kidding, how come?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, you see, David, you're a face painter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Yeah, that's right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, it's not that I don't like you, but, well to be perfectly
|
|
honest,<br>
|
|
I'm just having some trouble getting past the face painting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Well, alright, so you don't like the face painting, I just won't
|
|
paint<br>
|
|
it anymore.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, but you like the face painting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Well, I don't need to do it. It's not like a habit or anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh. You mean you'd stop it for me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Yeah, that's right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: That's so, that's so sweet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Ah, c'mere. (They kiss) Alright, I gotta go home and get changed
|
|
before<br>
|
|
the game. I'll be back, we'll make out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George and Siena are making out in his car.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Siena, I love you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Siena: Yeah, I know. I heard you the first time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Yeah. Just confirming.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry is sitting alone in his apartment waiting for Alec to call. The
|
|
phone<br>
|
|
rings, Jerry answers.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was expecting somebody else. I'm<br>
|
|
sorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call you later.
|
|
Yes,<br>
|
|
I know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency. Good
|
|
bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Kramer is at the zoo, talking with Barry, the monkey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Anyway, I um, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I lost my temper
|
|
and<br>
|
|
I probably shouldn't have. I took it out on you and, look, if I've caused
|
|
you<br>
|
|
any problems as a result of my behavior, well then, I'm sorry. I apologize.
|
|
<br>
|
|
Even though, Barry, between me and you, we both know that you started
|
|
it. I<br>
|
|
mean, who's kidding who? But they tell me that you're very upset, and
|
|
god<br>
|
|
forbid I should disturb the very important monkey, I'm just hoping we
|
|
can put<br>
|
|
this behind us, let's just move on with our lives, ok? So no hard feelings?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer moves in for a handshake, Barry spits water all over his jacket.
|
|
Kramer<br>
|
|
gets defensive and Barry starts screaming and climbing the cage bars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine's apartment, Elaine and Puddy are making out. She unbuttons his
|
|
shirt<br>
|
|
and notices something peculiar.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What is that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: That's the letter 'D'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Why is the letter 'D' painted on your chest?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Well, I'm going to the game tonight, and me and these five other
|
|
guys<br>
|
|
are gonna take our shirts off and spell out 'Devils'.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: But you said no more painting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: No, I said no more face painting, and as you can see this is not
|
|
my<br>
|
|
face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah, that's right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry is still waiting for the phone call. Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well? Did he call?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is stupid! It's six o'clock!
|
|
It's<br>
|
|
all over, just pick up the phone and thank him!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright! (picks up the phone and dials) Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry<br>
|
|
Seinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec Berg. Did
|
|
you<br>
|
|
hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Alec: What can I do for you, Jerry?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, Alec, the reason I called is I just wanted to thank you for
|
|
the<br>
|
|
tickets from the other night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Alec: I wish you'd called me earlier, I could have given you my tickets
|
|
for<br>
|
|
tonight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, you already gave them away?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Alec: Yeah, but you know what? I have a friend, he's got a couple of seats.
|
|
<br>
|
|
If you don't mind the nose bleed section, they're yours. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, we don't care, we just want to go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Alec: There is one little catch, though.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Exterior shot of MSG marquee announcing the Rangers vs Devils playoff
|
|
game<br>
|
|
tonight. Cut to some on-ice action, then to the cheap seats where Puddy,
|
|
Jerry<br>
|
|
and Kramer are seated, shirtless.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Puddy: Hey, great game, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The Devils score a goal, Puddy stands up screaming and drags Jerry and
|
|
Kramer to<br>
|
|
their feet. Alongside Puddy's 'D', Jerry sports an 'E' on his chest, Kramer
|
|
has<br>
|
|
a 'V' on his, and three more shirtless guys bearing 'I',' L' and 'S' rise<br>
|
|
alongside them. All are cheering wildly, except for Jerry and Kramer who
|
|
stand<br>
|
|
silent.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
The El Salvadoran priest is in his bedroom, another priest is at his bedside.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Priest: Father Hernandez?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Hernandez: Huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Priest: Una senora que te vino a ver. Ella dice que tiene informacion
|
|
muy<br>
|
|
importante, y que te puede ayudar. (Subtitled: "A woman here to see
|
|
you, she has<br>
|
|
important information that could be helpful to you.")<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Hernandez: Bueno.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Priest: Al fini finalmente par el llover. (Subtitled: "Finally it
|
|
stopped<br>
|
|
raining.")<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Hernandez: Aha, bueno.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The priest shows Elaine into the room, she's wearing a white raincoat
|
|
with a<br>
|
|
hood. As she approaches the bed, she's backlit by the sunlight coming
|
|
through<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
the window.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Hello father.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Father Hernandez: Oh. La Madonna! Madre de Christo! Yo estoy lista!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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