2117 lines
76 KiB
HTML
2117 lines
76 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Finale (1)</h1>
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[Monologue, on stage]</p>
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<p>Jerry: It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting,
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the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit
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down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don't you come
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in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work.
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People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I
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don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll
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tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it.
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Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then
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our brains will work.</p>
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<p>[Jerry and George at Monks]</p>
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<p>George: I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would
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that be a terrible thing? "How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for
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you?"</p>
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<p>Jerry: I know what you mean.</p>
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<p>George: Do ya?</p>
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<p>Jerry: It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again.</p>
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<p>George: Same thing!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you.</p>
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<p>George: Excuse me. Are you using your catsup?</p>
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<p>Woman: What do you think? You want to give him the catsup?</p>
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<p>Man: It's up to you.</p>
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<p>Woman: You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time.</p>
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<p>Jerry: So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?</p>
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<p>George: Nah - what for?</p>
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<p>Jerry: To see a movie.</p>
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<p>George: I've been to the movies.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Not this movie.</p>
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<p>George: They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of
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it.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Did you shower today?</p>
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<p>George: Yeah.</p>
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<p>Jerry: That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered.</p>
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<p>George: When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my
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15 minutes!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health.</p>
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<p>George: Ah! Health's not good enough. I want more than health. Health's not doing it
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for me anymore. I'm sick</p>
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<p>of health.</p>
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<p>Woman: All right, we're done. You can have it now.</p>
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<p>George: Oh, very gracious.</p>
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<p>[Jerry and George are walking down the sidewalk. Kramer and Elaine drive up.]</p>
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<p>Man: Nice day</p>
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<p>George: Yeah.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What is that?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey! JoJo!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Ey, ey!</p>
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<p>Elaine: All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.</p>
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<p>Kramer: No, thank you. So what are you doing?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Nothing.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Come on, let's go to the beach.</p>
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<p>George: What are you crazy?</p>
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<p>Kramer: What? It's a beautiful day.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Have a good time.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the
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air.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, there's something in the air.</p>
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<p>[Kramer drives off]</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is
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everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going
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to call you back.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?</p>
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<p>Elaine: What? No good?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Faux pas.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Faux pas?</p>
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<p>George: Big hefty stinking faux pas.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Why?</p>
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<p>Jerry: You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't
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want to take up any of my </p>
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<p>important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street."</p>
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<p>George: On-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make.</p>
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<p>Jerry: It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.</p>
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<p>George: It's dismissive.</p>
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<p>Jerry: It's pompous.</p>
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<p>George: Why don't you think before you do something?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Here's a thought - Bye bye.</p>
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<p>[Exit Elaine]</p>
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<p>George: Too much?</p>
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<p>[Jerry and George enter Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>George: Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should
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know better than that.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey - hey - hey!</p>
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<p>George: What?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an
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open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.</p>
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<p>George: You're so uptight.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket.
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We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party.</p>
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<p>[Jerry listens to his answering machine]</p>
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<p>Phone Tape: Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at
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NBC. Could you please give us a call?Thanks.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi?
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Uh huh, really, uh, no problem,</p>
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<p>definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough.</p>
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<p>George: Who's he?</p>
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<p>Jerry: He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about
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"Jerry."</p>
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<p>George: Our show, "Jerry"?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Right.</p>
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<p>George: "Jerry", oh my God. He wants to talk about "Jerry"?</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Jerry: Yeah!</p>
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<p>George: When? </p>
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<p>Jerry: Today, like right now.</p>
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<p>George: Right now? "Jerry"?</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Jerry"!</p>
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<p>George: He wants to talk about "Jerry"?</p>
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<p>Jerry: He wants to talk about "Jerry"!</p>
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<p>George: "Jerry"!</p>
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<p>Jerry: "Jerry"!</p>
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<p>George: Can I go like this?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Sure!</p>
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<p>George: No sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Forget the sports jacket.</p>
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<p>George: I won't feel like a writer.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You're not a writer.</p>
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<p>George: Right!</p>
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<p>[Jerry and George are sitting in a waiting room at NBC]</p>
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<p>George: Water. Need some water! Water here!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time.</p>
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<p>George: Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Don't blow this.</p>
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<p>George: I will not blow this.</p>
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<p>Jerry: If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts.</p>
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<p>George: It's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing.</p>
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<p>Jerry: He might not want nothing.</p>
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<p>George: Something, nothing, I could care less.</p>
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<p>Jerry: He might want a show about anything and everything.</p>
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<p>George: Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm
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down!</p>
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<p>Jerry: All right.</p>
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<p>Receptionist: Mr. Kimbrough is ready to see you </p>
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<p>George: Magic time.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What?</p>
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<p>[Jerry and George are escorted into Mr. Kimbrough's office]</p>
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<p>Receptionist: Mr. Kimbrough.</p>
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<p>Stu: Hey, Jerry, good to see you.</p>
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<p>George: Hey, hey, hey!</p>
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<p>Stu: How you been?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Good, good. You remember George.</p>
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<p>Stu: George, good to see you.</p>
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<p>George: Hello Stu.</p>
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<p>Stu: You remember Jay Crespi.</p>
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<p>George: Jay Crespi, how am I gonna forget Jay Crespi?</p>
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<p>Stu: This is James Kimbrough.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in.</p>
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<p>George: Kimbrough.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Don't spell.</p>
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<p>George: K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: That's right.</p>
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<p>George: It's a talent I have.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: Why don't we sit down, glad you're here.</p>
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<p>George: Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp -
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it's crispy crisp.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Shut up, George.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: Can I get you anything?</p>
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<p>George: What do we have in the fruit department?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oy.</p>
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<p>Stu : Pineapple.</p>
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<p>George: Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing, got spikes on the
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end. You can get killed from </p>
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<p>one of those things.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I
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reviewed what was in development,and it was pretty much same old, same old.</p>
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<p>George: Been there, done that.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have
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people talking at the water coolers.</p>
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<p>George: Water coolers?</p>
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<p>Crespi: We call it a water-cooler show.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to
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talk about it, right?</p>
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<p>George: See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than
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"coffee machine show."</p>
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<p>George: It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use
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bottles.</p>
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<p>Jerry: But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, "Jerry", that he
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developed five years ago.</p>
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<p>Stu: I have always loved it.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: He said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to
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tell you - I flipped out.</p>
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<p>Crespi: He totally flipped out.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off
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on Wednesday night, build up an</p>
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<p>audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy.</p>
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<p>Jerry: He's a little off the wall.</p>
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<p>Crespi: Oh yeah.</p>
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<p>Stu: Kramer.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Definitely.</p>
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<p>George: I tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show
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is all about.</p>
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<p>Kimbrough: Or we could not do the show altogether, how about that?</p>
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<p>George: Or we could get them together. Woo!</p>
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<p>[George and Jerry attempt a hug outside Mr. Kimbrough's office]</p>
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<p>George: Yeah!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah!</p>
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<p>[Elaine is at home using the phone when Jerry calls to tell her the news]</p>
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<p>Elaine: Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was
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just calling to see how your fa.. </p>
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<p>I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hi. Elaine, it's me.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Jerry, I'm on the other line.</p>
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|
<p>Jerry: No no - this is an emergency - get off the phone.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the
|
|
emergency?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: The "Jerry"'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
California!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: That's the emergency?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Did you hear what I said?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I was on the other line talking to Jill.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Jill? Well, why didn't you say so?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: You said it was an emergency.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone
|
|
walk-and-talk.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Jerry is telling his parents the good news about Jerry]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Helen: Congratulations, they're doing the show.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Morty: They should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network.
|
|
Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena the
|
|
Warrior Princess. She must be about six-six.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Helen: She's not six-six.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Morty: Jerry, you ever watch that?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, it's pretty good.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[George is telling his parents the news.]</p>
|
|
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|
<p>Estelle: They picked up the show?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: I'm moving to California.</p>
|
|
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|
<p>Frank: Oh baby-doll, this kid's going places, I told you.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: The NBC guy liked it?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Of course he liked it.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: He told you he liked it?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: He wouldn't put it on if he didn't like it.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: Well, what are you doing?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: I'm writing.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: You know how to write?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Frank: Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Ma?!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: I don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get
|
|
all the ideas?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Frank: Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty
|
|
stupid to me.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Jerry is on the phone with his agent, Kramer walks in.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: NBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's
|
|
fantastic! Thanks. Great. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Okay, bye.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh hey!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey - how was the beach?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: I had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: You know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: So do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, "Jerry"? Well,
|
|
the new guy at NBC wants to do it. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I
|
|
are moving to California!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: You're moving to California?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, only for a while.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for
|
|
years! You might never come</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>back.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, I'll be back.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a
|
|
virgin, she's a whore.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: And my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go
|
|
somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Fling!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[The group is sitting at their table at Monks]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: So we can go anywhere we want?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Anywhere.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Why are they doing this?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: I think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their
|
|
shelf for five years.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: This is all very exciting.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: So? Where are we going?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: I say Japan.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Why Japan?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh - geishas - they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're
|
|
quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine
|
|
art of fishing - or baking.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh - I got it - how about Russia?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Russia, it's so bleak.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's not bleak - it's springtime.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: It's still bleak.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: You can't be bleak in spring.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: You can be bleak in spring.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: If you're bleak, you're bleak.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: What about Switzerland?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh - Switzerland - the Von Trapp family, huh?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: It's a bit hilly - no?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: You're not going to do any walking.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: What if I want to walk around a little?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: So then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: What if I'm at the bottom?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: All right! You know what, just forget it!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to
|
|
agree on anything. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Why don't we all just go to Paris?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I'll go to Paris.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Me too.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh yeah - oui oui.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: So that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Group: Yeah!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Elaine walks into Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call
|
|
Jill one more time before we go.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Wait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that
|
|
conversation.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting
|
|
face-off, now you're talking about</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>a plane call?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: All right, I'll just have to call her from Paris.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Knock at the door. Jerry answers.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Newman: Hello, Jerry.</p>
|
|
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello, Newman. What gives?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Newman: I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private
|
|
jet to Paris?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, that's right.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Newman: Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you
|
|
know I'm one-quarter French.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Really.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Newman: Oh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you,
|
|
but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles.
|
|
She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine
|
|
into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple
|
|
postal worker.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's a shame.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Newman: Take me! Take me!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my
|
|
words, Seinfeld - your day of </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and
|
|
wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching -
|
|
watching as it all comes crumbling down.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[The group arrives by limo to the airport]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Captain: Ah, Jerry?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Captain: I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: All set. We'll just grab the bags.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Captain: Don't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Just keeps on getting better and better.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Our heroes enter the plane]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Not bad.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Wow!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: The only way to fly.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: This is it?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[After take-off, the group chit-chats]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a
|
|
lot nicer.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: You're complaining about a private jet?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Will you shut up? You are ruining the whole trip.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a
|
|
good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: You're not writing any letters!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Will you turn around?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Why?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: You are annoying me sitting like that. It's effeminate.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: It's effeminate to sit like this? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yes, I think it's a little effeminate.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: How is this effeminate?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I don't know - it just is.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Kramer, what are you doing?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Still got water in your ear?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Can't get rid of it. Maybe it leaked inside my brain.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Would you stop that? It's not safe to be jumping up and down on a plane.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: I got to get it out, I can't take this anymore.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Kramer, don't be fooling around up here.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Kramer!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Captain: Hey, get the hell out of here!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: What is that?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Oh my God!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: What is that noise? What is that noise?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Kramer, what the hell did you do?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: I lost my balance.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh my God!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: What's going on?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Kramer!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: It was an accident.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: I told you to stop with the hopping.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh my God, we're going down. We're going to die!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Just when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Is this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: I'm ready! I'm ready! Glory hallelujah!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Jerry? Jerry can you hear me?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: There's something I have to tell you.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: What? What is it?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: I cheated in the contest.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: What?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: The contest - I cheated.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Great - I won.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Jerry, I gotta tell you something too.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: No no - me first.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Jerry, I've always loved ..u..</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Hey - What's going on?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: We're straightening out!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: We're straightening out?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: We're straightening out!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: We're straightening out!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Group: Yeah!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Outside the plane]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Captain: Well, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything
|
|
checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Where are we?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Captain: Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself
|
|
something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Okay.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Okay.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: We'll see you later.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[In front of a store, in Latham, Massachusetts]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get
|
|
back on this plane?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: I say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight.</p>
|
|
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>George: I'm not getting on a regular plane now - I'm all psyched up to go on a private
|
|
jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough,
|
|
tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the
|
|
good one - the Ted Danson plane.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, I'll feel him out.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Stranger: Nice day.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Another one?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[A carjacking takes place in front of the group]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Robber: Alright fatso, out of the car.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: I want to capture this.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Robber: Come on! Gimme your wallet.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Victim: Don't shoot.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. You know?
|
|
They can't really chase ya!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Robber: I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call NBC.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Victim: Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at
|
|
gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right, what's wrong with the plane we got? They're just checking it out.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Forget it.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat
|
|
in Sticksville.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Officer: All right, hold it right there.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: What?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Officer: You're under arrest.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Under arrest? What for?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Officer: Article 223-7 of the Latham County Penal Code.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: What? No, no - we didn't do anything.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Officer: That's exactly right. The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger
|
|
as long as it's reasonable todo so.George: I never heard of that.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Officer: It's new. It's called the Good Samaritan Law. Let's go.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[In a cell, at the Latham County Jail]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: The Good Samaritan Law? Are they crazy?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Why would we want to help somebody?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I know.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: The Samaritans were an ancient tribe - very helpful to people.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Alright - um, excuse me, hi, could you tell me what kind of law this is.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Deputy: Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard
|
|
about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing
|
|
around.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, yeah.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, yeah.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Deputy: You're the first ones to be arrested on it, probably in the whole country.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: All right, so what's the penalty here? Let's just pay the fine or something and
|
|
get the hell out of here.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Deputy: Well, it's not that easy. Now see, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000
|
|
and as much as five years in prison.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: What?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Oh no no no no - we have to be in California next week. We're starting a TV
|
|
show.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Deputy: California? Oh gosh, I don't think so. Yeah, my guess is you're gonna be
|
|
prosecuted. Better get yourselves a good lawyer.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Lawyer Jackie Chiles' office]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I
|
|
didn't tell you to put the cheese on.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[The phone rings]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Secretary: Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: You people with the cheese. It never ends. Hello? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Good
|
|
Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this
|
|
country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel
|
|
my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham,
|
|
Massachusetts,right away.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Prosecutor: So they got Jackie Chiles, huh?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>D.A. Hoyt: Uh huh. You know what that means. This whole place is going to be swarming
|
|
with media by the time this thing is over. You're not going to be able to find a hotel
|
|
room in this town. The whole country is going to be watching us. Now we got to do whatever
|
|
it takes to win it, no matter what the cost. The big issue in this trial is going to be </p>
|
|
|
|
<div>character. I want you to find out everything you can about these people - and I mean
|
|
everything.</div>
|
|
<div> </div>
|
|
<div><Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"> <br>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div></div>
|
|
<div> </div>
|
|
<h1>The Finale (2)</h1>
|
|
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|
<p><table width="300" height="250" border="0" align="left" cellpadding="0" style="margin-right:10px;">
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<tr>
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</td>
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</tr>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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<div> </div>
|
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<div> </div>
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<div>[The four are in prison, having a meal]</div>
|
|
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|
<p>Kramer: Mmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Would it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I
|
|
realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I guess we could've called for help.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: But then we would have missed the whole thing.</p>
|
|
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<p>Kramer: I still had it on video. We could have watched it later.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, he's right.</p>
|
|
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|
<p>Jerry: I forgot about the video.</p>
|
|
|
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<p>Elaine: Sure - the video.</p>
|
|
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<p>[Jerry's beeper starts beeping]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: What is that?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Plane's ready.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Rivera Live news show]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Rivera: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of
|
|
you have probably been </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking
|
|
of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham,
|
|
Massachusetts. Now before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where
|
|
Jane Wells is standing by. Jane-</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Wells: Yes. Good evening, Geraldo.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Rivera: What's the mood? What's going on tonight?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Wells: Well, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has
|
|
descended upon this quaint little town.</p>
|
|
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Rivera: And what about the defendants - the so-called New York Four. How are they
|
|
holding up?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Wells: Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who had some contact with them, and
|
|
he told me quote "There's no love lost with that group."</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Rivera: Anything else, Jane?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Wells: There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The
|
|
rumor is that they once dated,</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>and it's possible that ended badly.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Rivera: Well, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer
|
|
together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Jerry's parents are packing]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Helen: I hope you packed enough - this trial could last for weeks.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Morty: What's all that?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Helen: Cereal.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Morty: You're packing cereal?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Helen: I'm bringing it for Jerry.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Morty: You got enough here for a life sentence.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Helen: He likes it. He says he misses that more that anything.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Morty: So bring a snack-pack.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[George's parents are packing]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: Poor Georgie, was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something
|
|
wrong? Maybe it was our fault.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Frank: Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Frank: You were the one who smothered him.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: I did not smother him.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Frank: You smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Frank: I had to make a living!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Newman, laughing, leaves his building with a suitcase. Uncle Leo leaves with his bags,
|
|
followed by J. Peterman, David Puddy in his 8-ball jacket, Mickey, Kenny Bania, Mr. and
|
|
Mrs. Ross, Mr. Bookman, Keith Hernandez, and George </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Steinbrenner.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[The four are at a table. Jerry and Kramer are enjoying some cereal, while they wait
|
|
for Jackie Chiles.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: This is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we
|
|
gotta make it last.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to
|
|
at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't
|
|
even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: I bet.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Enter Jackie Chiles]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Good morning.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Good morning, Jackie.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Good morning.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: It makes me look older.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm
|
|
trying to give you amoral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into
|
|
that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want
|
|
them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat
|
|
tub who's getting robbed. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Jerry laughs]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Do you think it's funny?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: No.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: You damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that
|
|
courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks,
|
|
acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that
|
|
tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: How do I look, Jackie?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Oh, you looking good. You look strong. You one fine-looking sexy lady.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Thank you, Jackie.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: How bout me, Jackie?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Kramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine.
|
|
Jury's going to pick up on that.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Jackie hands Jerry a tie]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Here.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: This one?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: That's right.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Do I have to?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Jackie says put it on, Jerry.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Court is starting]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bailiff: All rise. Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in
|
|
session. The Honorable Judge </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Arthur Vandelay presiding.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Vanda who?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Jerry, did you hear that?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: I think that's a good sign.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Is the District Attorney ready to proceed?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: We are, Your Honor.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Mr. Hoyt.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two,
|
|
passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human
|
|
being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove,
|
|
they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you
|
|
one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in
|
|
this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a
|
|
history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how
|
|
everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged,
|
|
deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be
|
|
held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>pay.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Newman shown eating popcorn]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Mr. Chiles.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous!
|
|
It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these
|
|
four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing -
|
|
lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were
|
|
innocentbystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because
|
|
that's exactly what they were. We know theywere bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So
|
|
how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander?
|
|
No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition,
|
|
innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They
|
|
want to create a whole new animal - the guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only
|
|
you can stop them.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: We are, Your Honor. Call Officer Matt Vogel to the stand.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bailiff: Call Matt Vogel.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So they were just standing there?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Voleg: Yes.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Did one of them have a video camera?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vogel: Yes.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Your Honor, with the court's permission, we would like to play back that video
|
|
and enter it into evidence as Exhibit A.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Proceed.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[The tape plays]</p>
|
|
|
|
<!-- BeginAd06 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Victim: Don't shoot.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, there goes the money for the lipo.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is it's an easy getaway. They
|
|
can't really chase ya!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: He's actually doing him a favor. It's less money for him to buy food.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: the victim of the robbery]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So they just stood there and did nothing?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Victim: Yeah, nothing. Nothing!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: No further questions.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Enter NBC executives Stu Chermak and Jay Crespi]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Hey! Great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know you almost got us
|
|
killed!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Call Mabel Choate to the stand.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bailiff: Call Mabel Choate.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was
|
|
not present at the time of </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Your Honor, the prosecution has gone to great lengths and considerable cost to
|
|
find these character witnesses.It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an
|
|
isolated incident. It's part of a pattern of anti-social behavior that's been going on for
|
|
years.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Objection overruled. I'll hear the witness.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of
|
|
January 4th.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Choate: Well, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Let the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: What did he want?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Choate: My marble rye.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Your marble rye?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Choate: I got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: And then you left the bakery.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Choate: That's right.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Choate: Oh no.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene from past episode, "The Rye"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Gimme that rye.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Choate: Stop it.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: I want that rye lady.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Choate: Help - someone help.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Shut up, you old bag!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back to the present]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: No further questions.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: I call Marla Penny to the stand.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bailiff: Call Marla Penny.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: The virgin!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: And what was your connection to the defendants?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks in the autumn of 1992.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Then on the evening of October 28, there was an abrupt end to that relationship.
|
|
Tell us what happened.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: It's rather difficult to talk about.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: It's alright. Take your time.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: Well, I became aware of a -</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: A what?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: A, uh -</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Yes?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: A contest.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Contest? </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: Yes.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: What was the nature of the contest?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: Oh please, I can't.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: It's okay.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: The four of them made a wager to see if they could -</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Yes?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: To see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Peterman: For the love of God!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Penny: It was horrible, horrible!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Call Donald Sanger to the stand.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Who the hell is that?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Mr. Sanger: Come on Donald, you're doing fine.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: The Bubble Boy!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Bubble Boy?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's right, the Bubble Boy.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: What's a Bubble Boy?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: He's a boy who lives in a bubble.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bubble Boy: What the hell are all you looking at?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in
|
|
your house, October 7th, 1992.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bubble Boy: Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend
|
|
Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene from past episode, "The Bubble Boy"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Who invaded Spain in the Eighth Century?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bubble Boy: That's a joke - the Moors.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Oh no - I'm so sorry, it's the Moops. The correct answer is the Moops.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bubble Boy: Moops? Let me see that. That's not Moops, you jerk. It's Moors. It's a
|
|
misprint.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Sorry, the card says Moops.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bubble Boy: It doesn't matter. It's Moors - there's no Moops.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: It's Moops.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bubble Boy: Moors!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Moops!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Help! Someone!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bubble Boy: There's no Moops, you idiot.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Susan: Stop it! Let go of him!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Mrs. Sanger: Donald, stop it. No. Donald, stop it.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back to the court]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: It was Moops.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bubble Boy: Moors.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: the lady Kramer gave a defective wheelchair to in "The Handicapped
|
|
Spot"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result you got in an
|
|
accident, and your wheelchair was destroyed?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Lady: That's right.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: And then Mr. Kramer gave you a used wheelchair?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Lady: That's right.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene showing lady screaming going out of control down hill in her wheelchair.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: Dr. Wilcox, the doctor on duty when Susan died]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd07 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
|
|
<p>Wilcox: Yes, that's right. It was May 16, 1996. I'll never forget it.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his
|
|
reaction was?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Wilcox: I would describe it as restrained jubilation.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Mr. Ross: Murderer!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Mrs. Ross: He killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Order in this court!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Call Sidra Holland to the stand.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Whew! Look at this one, she fine. You dated her?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Sidra: Yes.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: And you also met Miss Benes in that same health club?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Sidra: Yes, that's true.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Sidra: We were in the sauna, making chit-chat.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene from past episode, "The Implant"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Sidra: You know, I've seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcie.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, hi, I'm Elaine.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back in the courtroom]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Sidra: Yes.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Why would she do something like that?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Sidra: Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: Joe Bookman, library cop]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: State your name.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bookman: Bookman, Joe Bookman.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: And what's your occupation?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bookman: I'm a library cop.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: What does a library cop do?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bookman: We chase down library delinquents.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bookman: Yeah, he was. Right over there - Seinfeld.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: How long was his book overdue?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bookman: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: What do you call them?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bookman: Criminals.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: George's old girlfriend]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So you and Mr. Costanza were dating.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Woman: Yes.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: And then what happened?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Woman: Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and -</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene from past episode, "The Fire"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Fire! Get out of the way!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back to the courtroom]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: parking lot security guard]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Guard: At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden
|
|
Valley Shopping Mall.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene from past episode, "The Parking Garage"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Guard: I don't know.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Because I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back to the courtroom]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Uromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves
|
|
during this trial? Perhaps these two </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Objection, Your Honor! This is completely inappropriate! My clients' medical
|
|
condition is not on trial here! </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Sit down, Mr. Chiles.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: Police Detective]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Alright, Detective, then what happened?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Detective: We got a tip that a lot of prostitutes had been turning tricks in the
|
|
parking lot.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene from past episode, "The Wig Master"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Pro: You just cost me some money.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Cool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Police: Police officers - freeze right there!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back to the courtroom]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So Cosmo Kramer was, in fact, a pimp.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: the low-talker]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Mumble]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Excuse me?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This
|
|
woman's a low-talker. I can't hear </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's
|
|
move on.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: George Steinbrenner]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Call George Steinbrenner to the stand.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bailiff: Call George Steinbrenner.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Steinbrenner: Yes, that's right, he was good kid - a lovely boy. Shared his calzone
|
|
with me - that was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Steinbrenner: He had one little problem though.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: What was that?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Steinbrenner: He was a communist. Thick as they come. Like a big juicy steak.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Frank: How could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandeley: Order!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: Man from "The Little Jerry"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Cock fighting?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Witness: Cock fighting.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: Pharmacist from "The Sponge"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Pharmacist: Sponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex.
|
|
Said she needed a whole case of </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>them.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: Elaine's old boyfriend]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Man: She exposed her nipple.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witness: Mr. Pitt from "The Diplomat's Club"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: How did she try to kill you?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Pitt: She tried to smother me with a pillow.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Call Yev Kassem to the stand.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bailiff: Call Yev Kassem.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Who?</p>
|
|
|
|
<!-- BeginAd08 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Elaine: The Soup Nazi!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: State your name.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: Yev Kassem.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: Could you spell that?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: No! Next question.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: How do you know the defendants?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: They used to come to my restaurant.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Scene from past episode, "The Soup Nazi"]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Medium turkey chili.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Medium crab bisque.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: I didn't get any bread.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Just forget it. Let it go.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Um, excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: You want bread?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Yes, please.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: Three dollars!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: What?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: No soup for you!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back in the courtroom]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: But the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one - the
|
|
woman - for a year. Then one day, </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>she came back.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back to the "Soup Nazi" episode]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Five cups chopped porcini mushrooms. Half a cup of olive oil. Three pounds
|
|
celery.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: That's my recipe for wild mushroom.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back in the courtroom]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: She published my recipes. I had to close the store, move to Argentina. She
|
|
ruined my business!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Soup's not all that good anyway.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Soup Nazi: What did you say?!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: How did they find Babu?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I thought he was deported.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: You came a long way to be here today, haven't you?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Babu: Yes, all the way from Pakistan.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: And what's your connection to the defendant?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Babu: I owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But
|
|
nobody came! There were no people.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Hoyt: And then what happened?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Babu: Then, he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail. And I
|
|
never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It's all his fault. Him. And
|
|
the woman. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me,
|
|
just like they did the fat fellow. All the time. Mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking,
|
|
mocking. All the time! Now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice.
|
|
Send them away! Send them all away! Lock them up forever! They are not human. Very bad!
|
|
Very, very, very bad!</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Rivera Live]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Rivera: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera
|
|
Live. Well, arguments in the </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half
|
|
hours now. Let's go live to </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane -</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Wells: Geraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Rivera: That's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the
|
|
robbery.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Wells: Yes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo,
|
|
this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless
|
|
parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four
|
|
seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally
|
|
put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Rivera: Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Wells: That is so hard to say. Certainly there's the doctor with the poison
|
|
invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that
|
|
bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small town jury.There's the woman they
|
|
sold the defective wheelchair to, the deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just
|
|
went on, </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>and on, and on, into the night.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Rivera: And so we wait.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[The group, waiting for the jury to decide]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Do they make you wear uniforms in prison?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I think so.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: It's not that bright orange one is it?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I hope it's not that one, because I cannot wear orange.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Will you stop worrying? Jackie's going to get us off. He never loses. How about
|
|
when he asked that cop </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>if a black man had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[George's mother, Estelle, tries to butter up Judge Vandelay]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: Sorry to bother you, Judge.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: How did you get in here?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: Please, if he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: This is highly irregular.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: Well, maybe there's something I can do for you.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: What do you mean?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Estelle: You know</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Witnesses waiting in pool hall, at restaurant, etc. Mr. Ross buys a gun.]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Sidra Holland and Jackie Chiles are in bed]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Sidra: Oh, Jackie, you're so articulate.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jackie: We have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Phone rings]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jackie: Hello? Damn. They're ready.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Back in the courtroom]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was
|
|
going down?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: I've always loved ... United Airlines.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Jury reenters the courtroom]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: I think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Maybe because she knows you're going to jail.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Bailiff: All rise.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Foreman: We have, Your Honor.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Will the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the
|
|
charge of criminal indifference?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Foreman: We find the defendants - guilty.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Vandelay: Order! Order in this court, I will clear this room! I do not know how, or
|
|
under what circumstances the four of you found each other, but your callous indifference
|
|
and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation
|
|
upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of
|
|
youto spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which
|
|
you have conducted yourselves. </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>I know I will. This court is adjourned.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[Exit Judge Vandelay]</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd09 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
|
|
<p>George: You had to hop! You had to hop on the plane.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Puddy, don't wait for me.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Puddy: Alright.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Frank: We gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Sidra: Come on, Jackie. Let's go.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Chiles: Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[The group, walking back to the holding cell]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then
|
|
we'll be back</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do
|
|
Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show - maybe "Bye Bye
|
|
Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Why don't you just blow it out your...</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>[They enter the cell]</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: If I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Sure.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Elaine: Cause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: I think that would be a very nice gesture.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Kramer: I got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Really?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the
|
|
shirt. Look at it, it's </p>
|
|
|
|
<p>too high, it's in no-man's land.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: Haven't we had this conversation before?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: You think?</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>George: I think we have.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.</p>
|
|
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<p>------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -------------</p>
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<p>[Epilogue, on stage in the prison]</p>
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<p>Jerry: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me
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to play in the yard. But of </p>
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<p>course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my
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thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that
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bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? </p>
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<p>You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock
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D?</p>
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<p>Prisoner 1: I am.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in
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Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?</p>
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<p>Prisoner 2: Murder one.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding
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sir - lighten up. How about </p>
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<p>you, what are you in for? </p>
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<p>Prisoner 3: Grand theft auto.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.</p>
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<p>Prisoner 3: You suck - I'm gonna cut you.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of
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your hand.</p>
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<p>Guard: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</ul>
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<!--
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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</script></body>
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