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<h1>The Fire</h1>
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<i>Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 6, 2002.</i></p>
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<p><b><u>SEINFELD</u> Episode no. 84 "The Fire" (Original air
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date 5 May 1994)</b></p>
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<p>Directed by Tom Cherones. Written by Larry Charles.<br>
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Guest stars: Melanie Chartoff (Robin)<br>
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Veanne Cox (Toby)<br>
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Dom Irrera (Ronnie)<br>
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Jon Favreau (Eric the Clown)<br>
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Lisa Pescia (Joanne)<br>
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Hiram Kasten (Michael)<br>
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Patience Cleveland (Robin's mother)<br>
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Lawrence LeJohn (Fireman)<br>
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Jerry Stiller (Frank Costanza, voice only)<br>
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Estelle Harris (Estelle Costanza, voice only)</p>
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<p><i>Jerry's stand-up: </i>To me, the thing about birthday parties is that
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the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have
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are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're
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the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that
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there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties,
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people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you
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don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going
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on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to
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gather your friends together <i>for</i> you. Sometimes they're not even
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your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em
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down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you
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for coming to my birthday party.'</p>
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<p><i>Opening scene - Elaine, Kramer, and Kramer's excitable girlfriend
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Toby in Elaine's office at Pendant. They're looking at proofs for Kramer's
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"coffee table book about coffee tables."</i></p>
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<p>TOBY (exuberantly): These are great! Just great! Really great! Really,
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really great! Don't you think so, Elaine?</p>
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<p>ELAINE (put off by Toby's exuberance): Yeah, really great.</p>
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<p>TOBY: A coffee table book about coffee tables! <To Kramer> How
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did you come up with this idea?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It was there!</p>
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<p>TOBY: Oh, look at this one! It's saying, 'I'm a coffee table, put some
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coffee on me! Oh, the hotter the better, that's what I'm here for!' <laughs></p>
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<p>ELAINE: Actually, I've got some work I gotta do, so...</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs...so
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the book itself becomes a coffee table?</p>
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<p>TOBY: Ohhh, that is a great idea! Really, really great!</p>
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<p><i>New scene - Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment later that day.</i></p>
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<p>ELAINE (imitating Toby): 'And that coffee table is saying, put some coffee
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on me!' I'd like to put some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee - right
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in her face! I swear! This is like working with a contestant from "The
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Price Is Right"! <demonstrates></p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, listen, tell me if you
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think this is funny - <reads comedy he's written> "Men definitely
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hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only
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care <i>what else</i> is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before
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they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest."</p>
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<p>ELAINE (uninterested): Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You don't know? Come on, that's gold!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, I don't know about "gold."</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, that's gold, baby.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: 'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I was saying 'baby' way before George!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes,
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Jerry, it puts too much pressure on me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow night.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, who's he?</p>
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<p>JERRY: He's a writer from <i>Entertainment Weekly</i>. I would like to
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have a good show.</p>
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<p><Kramer enters.></p>
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<p>KRAMER: Danke schoen, my little dumplings.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hi.</p>
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<p>KRAMER (to Elaine): Hey, how about that Toby, huh?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, how about her?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ooh, she's a package full of energy!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, she's a package full of something.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: And that something is life. Jerry, you gotta meet this gal -
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she's brimmin' with positivity!</p>
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<p>ELAINE (absolutely disgusted): Oh, pleeeeease. <moves to the living
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room and sits down></p>
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<p>KRAMER (to Jerry): Hey, are you performing tomorrow night?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Great, I'm gonna bring Toby.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being reviewed. Leonard Christian's
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gonna be there.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, she's a great laugher - right, Elaine?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh yeah, she's a great laugher, Jerry. <imitates Toby>
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Really, really great!</p>
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<p>JERRY (to Kramer): Well, you want to sit with George? I think he's coming
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with Robin. </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Is that the waitress from the comedy club?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What about her kid, is she bringing him, too?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: She's got a kid?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, you should see George get along with this kid!</p>
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<p><i>New scene - George and Robin in a booth at the coffee shop. Robin's
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kid is under the table.</i></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ow! What are you doing under there? Hey, stop that! Don't eat
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that! That's not food! <to Robin> He's suckin' down Equal packets!</p>
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<p>ROBIN: Do you think 25 kids is too much?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: 25 kids for his birthday party? <to kid under table> Don't
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put your tongue on the floor! He's putting his tongue on the floor! Here,
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here, have some more sugar packets.</p>
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<p>ROBIN: So, what about entertainment? <to kid> Should I get Barney?</p>
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<p>KID: No Barney!</p>
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<p>ROBIN (to George): Maybe a clown.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: How about Bozo?</p>
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<p>KID: Who's Bozo?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown, that's who Bozo is. When I was a
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kid, Bozo the Clown was <i>the</i> clown, bar none. </p>
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<p>ROBIN: George...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: With the orange hair, and the big clown shirt with the ruffles...</p>
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<p>ROBIN: George...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: And the TV show! He had cartoons!</p>
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<p>ROBIN: George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's out. He's finished. It's over
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for Bozo.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday
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parties with catered food and entertainment. I remember my 7th birthday
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party...</p>
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<p><i>We see a flashback of George at seven, sitting in front of a birthday
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cake with a shocked expression on his face, while Frank and Estelle scream
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at him:</i></p>
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<p><i>FRANK: Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out
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the damn candles!</i></p>
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<p><i>ESTELLE: Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!</i></p>
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<p>ROBIN: Well, this time, you can blow out the candles.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Nah, I have asthma. <Robin's kid grabs George's leg from under
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the table, and George struggles.></p>
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<p><i>New scene - Elaine in her office at work. Toby enters.</i></p>
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<p>TOBY: Hi!</p>
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<p>ELAINE (in a dreadful tone): Hi, Toby.</p>
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<p>TOBY: How are you doing today?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Fine... <Toby sits and waits for Elaine to speak.> How
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are you?</p>
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<p>TOBY: Oh, I'm great! Just great. Really great! Oh, hey - did you hear
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about Bob Rosen?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Nope.</p>
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<p>TOBY: He is going to Knopp. He is going to be a vice president.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Knopp? Really? Boy. That means there's an opening here for senior
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editor...has Lippman, uh, hired anyone?</p>
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<p>TOBY: No. I hear he wants to promote someone in-house. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Really!</p>
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<p>TOBY: Maybe it'll be you!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh...well...</p>
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<p>TOBY: You really deserve it. I mean, you have experience, seniority...Lippman
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really respects your opinion...</p>
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<p>ELAINE (beaming): Well! Well, it could be you.</p>
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<p>TOBY: No...</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, really.</p>
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<p>TOBY (standing): Really? You think so?</p>
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<p>ELAINE (humoring her): Sure.</p>
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<p>TOBY: Boy, wouldn't that be exciting! </p>
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<p>ELAINE: I mean, stranger things have happened...</p>
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<p>TOBY: Wow! Me! A senior editor! <deadly serious> I'd like that.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, you shouldn't get your hopes up, Toby.</p>
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<p>TOBY: Well, it's a possibility, like you said! Stranger things have happened!
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Thank you, Elaine. Thank you. <Exits.></p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Ronnie the Prop Comic backstage at the comedy
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club.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, Ronnie. <To bartender> Can I have a club soda? <To
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Ronnie> Goin' on tonight?</p>
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<p>RONNIE: Yeah. You?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>RONNIE: You know Leonard Christian's here?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, I know.</p>
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<p>RONNIE: Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils getting bigger?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't...think so.</p>
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<p>RONNIE: Are you sure? Take a good look. They seem a little bigger?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't...I dunno.</p>
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<p>RONNIE: Is it possible for nostrils to expand? </p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, is this a bit?</p>
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<p>RONNIE: Hey, I don't do "bits." I'm a prop comic. Dammit, I
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can't find my water gun. I can't go on without my water gun.</p>
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<p><Kramer and Toby enter.></p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, Jerry. Toby, this is Jerry.</p>
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<p>TOBY: This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! <To Jerry>
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Touch! Touch them! <Jerry touches her arm. Toby screeches with excitement.>
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I've never been to a comedy club before!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf
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now, too.</p>
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<p>TOBY (laughing): You are so funny! </p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear.</p>
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<p>TOBY: Oh! He swears like he thinks I don't believe him. I believe you.
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I believe you! Oh, he's so funny! <laughs></p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>KRAMER: What about me?</p>
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<p>TOBY (serious): What about you? <laughs> I'm only kidding. You're
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funny, too. I love to laugh.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Good, good.</p>
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<p>KRAMER (to Jerry): So, you up next?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats?</p>
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<p>TOBY: Oh yeah, we don't want some jerk sitting in front of us, it'll
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be like, 'Hey, big head, can you move out of the way? I didn't pay a cover
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charge to stare at your bald spot.' <laughs></p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>TOBY: Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show!</p>
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<p>JERRY: O.k., good, I'll see you later. <Kramer and Toby are about
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to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.></p>
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<p>TOBY: Oh, he's so great! This is so great! I'm so excited!</p>
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<p><i>Cut to Jerry on stage. Toby and Kramer are sitting in the audience
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near the front.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Men definitely hit the remote button more than women...</p>
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<p>TOBY (loudly): Oh, really! Really! That is so true!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's on TV, men only care <i>what
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else</i> is on TV.</p>
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<p>TOBY: Yes! Yes! Right on! Right on! <Other audience members give her
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puzzled looks.></p>
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<p>JERRY (attempting to carry on despite Toby's interruptions): See...women
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really want to see what the show is before they change the channel...</p>
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<p>TOBY: Oh, that is so true, yes!</p>
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<p>JERRY: ...that's why men hunt and women nest.</p>
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<p>TOBY: BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! <Toby's obnoxious behavior causes Jerry
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to completely lose his place and mess up his act.></p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry pacing the floor backstage after his act. Kramer
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enters.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' on there? I invite you down
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here, I have an important show, and she heckles me?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Look, she didn't mean anything.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, what is the matter with her? Is she crazy?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: She's just being enthusiastic, that's all!</p>
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<p><Toby enters.></p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey! What is wrong with you?!</p>
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<p>TOBY: Me? Nothing's wrong with me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout
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the whole set!</p>
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<p>TOBY: Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! That's part of the show.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the
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show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies!</p>
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<p>TOBY: Well, that's the way I express myself. How are you gonna make it
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in this business if you can't take it?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, I can take it.</p>
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<p>TOBY (to Kramer): Let's go. <Ronnie walks by Jerry.></p>
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<p>RONNIE: Hey, man. Good set.</p>
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<p><i>New scene - George talking to Eric, the clown at Robin's son's birthday
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party.</i></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Bozo? </p>
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<p>ERIC: No.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: B-O-Z-O? </p>
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<p>ERIC: Sorry, I...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?</p>
|
|
<p>ERIC: No!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is?</p>
|
|
<p>ERIC: I don't know, I just don't.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is?</p>
|
|
<p>ERIC: Hey, man - what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's
|
|
not my life. I don't know who Bozo is, what - is he a clown?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Is he a clown? What, are you kidding me!?</p>
|
|
<p>ERIC: Well, what is he?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes, he's a clown!</p>
|
|
<p>ERIC: Alright, so what's the big deal! There's millions of clowns!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, just forget it.</p>
|
|
<p>ERIC: Me forget it? You should forget it! You're livin' in the past,
|
|
man! You're hung up on some clown from the <i>sixties</i>, man!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, very good, very good...go fold your little balloon animals,
|
|
Eric. Eric! What kind of name is that for a clown, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN'S MOTHER: Excuse me...you must be George! I'm Robin's mother. Oh,
|
|
you seem like such a lovely young man!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, I do what I can. <Robin comes over.></p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN: Hi Mom, how's everything?</p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN'S MOTHER: Oh, this is just a wonderful party!</p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN: The burgers should be ready in a minute.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ah, great, great. <sniffs> What's that smell? Smoke? <walks
|
|
to the kitchen> Hey everybody, I think I smell some smoke back here...<smoke
|
|
boils into the doorway.> FIRE! FIRE! Get out of the way!</p>
|
|
<p><The kids all scream and the party goes crazy. George barrels out
|
|
of the kitchen, pushing down kids, clowns and old ladies in a mad panic
|
|
to escape. He runs out the door and leaves everyone behind.></p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut to George sitting in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask
|
|
on his face.</i></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (to the EMTs): It was an inferno in there! An inferno! <Eric,
|
|
Robin's mother, and all the kids rush at George.></p>
|
|
<p>ERIC: There he is! That's him! <Tries to clobber George with his big
|
|
shoe.></p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN'S MOTHER: That's the coward that left us to die!</p>
|
|
<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut back to George attempting to explain his cowardly actions to Robin,
|
|
her mother, Eric and a fireman from the back of the ambulance at the party.</i></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (voice is hoarse from screaming): I...was trying to lead the way.
|
|
We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety. </p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN: But you yelled "get out of my way"!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is
|
|
lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should
|
|
all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where
|
|
heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?</p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a
|
|
mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone
|
|
behind!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand
|
|
how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like
|
|
knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to
|
|
the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving
|
|
anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that
|
|
exit was clear. Any other questions?</p>
|
|
<p>FIREMAN: How do you live with yourself?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Its not easy.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - George and Jerry at the coffee shop.</i></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So she doesn't want to see me anymore.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Did you knock her over too, or just the kids?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, her too. And her mother.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Really? Her mother.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too, I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You probably couldn't see because of the smoke.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So you feel "women and children first," in this day
|
|
and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: To some degree.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: In a manner of speaking.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, it's honest.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like
|
|
equals.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll
|
|
see things differently.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Perhaps.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with his big shoe.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: By the way, did you see this? <Hands George a magazine></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What's that?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's the Leonard Christian article about my show. Plus my gig
|
|
in Miami got cancelled, I betcha it's because of the article.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Wow, he really does a number on you. <reads> "Seinfeld
|
|
froze like a deer in the headlights in the face of incessant heckling."</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I should have let her have it! I held back because of Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know what you oughta do. You should go to her office and
|
|
heckle her. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, right.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like
|
|
it if I came to where you work and heckled you?'</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, that'd be something.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm not kidding, you should do it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always
|
|
had a fantasy about doing that.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, go ahead! Do it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why can't I?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No reason!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where
|
|
I work, I'll go down to where she works!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: This is unprecedented!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: There's no precedent, baby!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What...are you using my babies now?</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Toby in her office at Pendant. Jerry pokes his head in
|
|
the door.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals to work? It's always nice
|
|
to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to
|
|
the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. 'Hey,
|
|
let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'</p>
|
|
<p>TOBY: You know, I have work to do here! I'm very busy!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone...interrupting?</p>
|
|
<p>TOBY: Well, how would you like it if I called security?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this
|
|
business if you can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! Boooo!</p>
|
|
<p><Kramer arrives just as Toby gets upset and storms out.></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Wait a second, what's happenin' here? Toby! Toby!</p>
|
|
<p><Cut to a scene of the street outside. We hear screeching tires and
|
|
Toby screaming, "My pinky toe!" Kramer is heard yelling "Toby!"
|
|
and is shown with a shocked expression on his face.></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kramer and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What did you go up there to heckle her for?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste
|
|
of her own medicine! <George enters.></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What accident?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of
|
|
the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky
|
|
toe.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That's unbelievable!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put
|
|
it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You ran?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe
|
|
here, buddy - step on it."</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Holy cow!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well,
|
|
I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the
|
|
seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think
|
|
you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize
|
|
for ya, buddy - " <Kramer throws two quick punches and a massive
|
|
uppercut> - knocked him out cold!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How could you do that?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed
|
|
out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him
|
|
by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and
|
|
now I'm drivin' the bus.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You're Batman.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he
|
|
starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin'
|
|
the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and
|
|
I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know - at the next stop.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You kept makin' all the stops?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, what about the toe? What happened to the toe?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place
|
|
at the end of the line.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You did all this...for a pinky toe?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, it's a valuable appendage.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Elaine in her office at work, talking with two co-workers.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JOANNE: So, Kramer found the toe, and they re-attached it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Really.</p>
|
|
<p>JOANNE: Poor kid. What an ordeal.</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: And you know how extremely sensitive she is...she's gonna need
|
|
our full support.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (wearily): Yeah, right.</p>
|
|
<p>OTHER CO-WORKERS IN HALLWAY: Look who's here! Toby! <Toby enters on
|
|
crutches.></p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: Toby, what can I do? Can I get you something?</p>
|
|
<p>TOBY: Oh no, I'll be fine...</p>
|
|
<p><A horde of employees flood into Elaine's office to gush over Toby.
|
|
Elaine is pushed to the floor as a result.></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Elaine and Jerry in Jerry's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: <i>She</i> got the promotion?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (standing in the doorway): Yep.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because
|
|
Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Too bad.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless!
|
|
It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to
|
|
cut. What do we need it for?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the
|
|
home.'</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why don't you just shut the f-</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (from his doorway): Hey Elaine, did you hear the good news? Toby
|
|
got promoted!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yes, I heard, Kramer - I work there, remember??</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, and you know what she told me? She said her first order
|
|
of business is to put my coffee table book into the bookstores as soon
|
|
as possible.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, wonderful!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You know, throughout this whole thing, she always kept a smile
|
|
on her face.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, of course! She's deranged.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Ronnie backstage at the comedy club.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and
|
|
see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to
|
|
write another article.</p>
|
|
<p>RONNIE: I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!</p>
|
|
<p>RONNIE: How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand.</p>
|
|
<p>RONNIE: Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of
|
|
us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, well, won't be long.</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Gotta go. <heads out on stage></p>
|
|
<p><George enters and sees Robin working.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Robin? Robin!</p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN: George, what is it? I'm working.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Robin, listen to me. The most amazing thing has happened. Kramer
|
|
has opened my eyes. I think I've changed. </p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN: What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: O.k....<is about to explain. Cut to Jerry on-stage.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I mean, Bozo the Clown...does he really need "the clown"
|
|
in his title, as clown? Bozo, "the" clown? Are we going to confuse
|
|
him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo...</p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut back to George explaining his situation to Robin.</i></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: ...you'll see, things will be different now - if you just give
|
|
me one more chance. </p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN: Listen...I gotta think about this. <walks away.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, but I'm serious about this.</p>
|
|
<p>RONNIE (points his water gun at the bartender): Alright, hand it over
|
|
man!</p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut back to Jerry onstage.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...that's why men hunt and women nest.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (from backstage): He's got a gun! He's got a gun! <Tries to
|
|
flee the bar in a mad panic. The audience in the club also goes nuts and
|
|
heads for the exits. Jerry stands onstage, perplexed.></p>
|
|
<p><i>Cut back to George in the bar.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ROBIN: George! This is Ronnie Kaye!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The prop comic? <Ronnie holds up his water gun and smiles.>
|
|
Oh, hi...I didn't recognize you, what...did you get a haircut?</p>
|
|
<p>RONNIE (points to his nose): Nostrils.</p>
|
|
<p><Jerry comes backstage.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: George - could I have a word?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>Jerry's stand-up #2:</i> I was in a hotel the other day, and on the
|
|
back of the door in the hotel they have the fire map. I'm flattered that
|
|
they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room
|
|
memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the
|
|
candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room,
|
|
check the map again...and they always tell you, no matter what, whatever
|
|
you do in a hotel fire - do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live,
|
|
I've never panicked in my whole life - it's my option. Even if they find
|
|
you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, I heard they saved you swingin'
|
|
from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened
|
|
there?' 'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'</p>
|
|
<p>originally posted on http://www.geocities.com/tnguym</p>
|
|
<p><i>End of episode.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 6, 2002.</i></p>
|
|
<p>
|
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
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|
</script>
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|
</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<!--
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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|
</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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|
</script>
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|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
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<!-- text below generated by server. PLEASE REMOVE -->
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<script language="JavaScript">var PUpage="76001089"; var PUprop="geocities"; </script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.geocities.com/js_source/pu5geo.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.geocities.com/js_source/ygIELib9.js?v3"></script><script language="JavaScript">var yviContents='http://us.toto.geo.yahoo.com/toto?s=76001089&l=NE&b=1&t=1038009565';yviR='us';yfiEA(0);</script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mc/mc.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://domainpending.com/js_source/geov2.js"></script><script language="javascript">geovisit();</script><noscript></noscript> |