752 lines
38 KiB
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752 lines
38 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Gymnast</h1>
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Transcribed by: John Twernbold <br>
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<br>
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pc: 606, season 6, episode 6<br>
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Episode Number: 131<br>
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Original Air Date: November 3, 1994</p>
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<p>Written by: Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer <br>
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Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
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<p>Guest Cast:<br>
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Lois Nettleton: Mrs. Enright<br>
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Elina Lwensohn: Katya<br>
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Jessica Hecht: Lindsay<br>
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Maurice Godin: Misha<br>
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James Sweeney: Aronson<br>
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David Blackwood: Beck<br>
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Phil Ramsey: Man in Car<br>
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Damian London: Party Guest</p>
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<p>------------------------------------------------------------------</p>
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<p>[Nightclub]</p>
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<p>JERRY: I've never been able to figure out why they make these bizarre
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toilet seats that they have. You know, like those clear Lucite ones, with
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all the, the coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to our past president,
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by the way. It's not bad enough Lincoln got shot in the head, we gotta
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pull down our pants and sit on him, too. It's just incomprehensible that
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you would buy a thing like this, you install it on your toilet seat, and
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this says what about you? "Well, I can't afford to just throw money
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down the toilet, but look how close I am!"</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>JERRY: I cannot believe Lindsay's still seeing you after that "Breakfast
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at Tiffany's" thing.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I think she finds my stupidity charming.</p>
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<p>JERRY: As we all do.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, anyway, she's uh, having some kind of a family lunch, I'll
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swing by after.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, I'll zip in, "How do you do?", zip out. She'll
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love me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're good with the mothers.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Y'know, I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Maybe you should date the mothers.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters,
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then I'd really have something goin'.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, you got something goin'.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (enters apartment) Hey.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey! (heads toward bathroom)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, you got a hammer?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What do you need a hammer for?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, I got this new poster. 3-D art? Computers generate 'em.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it over.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, no, I don't have it now. I gotta pick it up at Mr. Pitt's.
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Elaine was framing a bunch of stuff for him, so she did me a favor. What,
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you wanna take a ride?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Nah, I don't think so.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (shouting to the bathroom door) George, you wanna go for a ride?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (inside bathroom) Nah.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, COME ON!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, could you wait until the man finishes?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: All right, I've had it with you two. (opens apartment door to
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leave)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, guess what? Remember that woman you saw me with the other
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day? You know, she used to be an Olympic gymnast?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: A gymnast!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver at the '84 Olympics.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility. Mmm, that sex'll
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melt your face.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (shuts door) "Bailing"?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, you know, Kramer, there's always a price to pay for just
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a sexual dalliance.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry, you should pay that price.</p>
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<p>JERRY: She's Romanian. What am I gonna talk to her about, Ceausescu?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ch- oo-... what?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (emerging from bathroom, buttoning his shirt) A gymnast! I can't
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believe it, you didn't tell me she was a gymnast.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (watching George buttoning his shirt) What is this?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What, I'm puttin' my shirt back on.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (stares at George, incredulous) "Back on"? What was
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it doing off?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I take it off when I go to the, uh, y'know, to the "office".</p>
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<p>JERRY: (laughing) What for?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, it frees me up. No encumbrances.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Unbuttoned, or all the way off?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: ALL the way, baby!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Of course.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What, again? Kramer, if you keep getting these attacks, you should
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see the doctor and have it checked out.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah...</p>
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<p>JERRY: (picks up newspaper, turns to George) You always take the shirt
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off?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Always.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Boy, I tell ya', knowing you is like going out in the jungle.
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I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Mr. Pitt's office]</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: Elaine, I need you to proofread this report for my meeting
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with the Poland Creek Bottled Water people.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What meeting?</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: I told you. I sit on the Board of Trustees for Morgan Springs,
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and we're trying to acquire Poland Creek.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh! (tries to take paper)</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: (pulls away) Are you using a fountain pen?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yes?</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: They smear! Under no circumstances is ink to be used in this
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office.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: All right! I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt.</p>
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<p>(knock at door)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Elaine?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Come in, come in!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah. (enters, points at package) Yah, huh?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ah, right there, yeah.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (rips open package) Yeah, that's...</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Kramer, it's...</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (holds up framed picture): There she blows! (throws paper around)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Kramer, Kramer, can you do this at home? I've got, I've got work
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to do, okay?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, these are nice corners, huh?</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: Elaine, did I hear... (sees Kramer) Oh, this is very odd.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (looking at picture) Yeah, it's 3-D art. Computers generate 'em.
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BIG computers.</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: Yes, I've heard about these. How do they work?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, you blur your eyes like you're starin' straight through
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the picture. And you keep your eyes unfocused. And then... (Kramer and
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Pitt stare at picture) Oh, oh, oh, YEAH!</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: I don't see it.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, it's a spaceship, surrounded by planets, asteroids...</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: I still don't see it.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Okay, Kramer, that's enough. Mr. Pitt has got work to do.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ya' ever dream in 3-D? It's like the boogeyman is comin' right
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at you.</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: A spaceship, where?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (pointing) Right in here. Just keep your eyes unfocused. (convulses
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in pain) Waahh! Oh, mama!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Kramer, what's wrong?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Mama!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Kramer, Kramer, are you okay?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I think I gotta go to the doctor! (exits) Oh, mama!</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: (still staring at picture) How long does it usually take?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Lindsay's mother's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Lindsay's relatives are laughing, and George has apparently been witty
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and charming)</p>
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<p>MRS. ENRIGHT: Oh, George, it is so nice to finally meet you. And I'm
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sorry we've kept Lindsay so long.</p>
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<p>LINDSAY: Mother...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, no, no, not at all. No, I have always felt that the most
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important thing in the world is spending time with family.</p>
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<p>MRS. ENRIGHT: Oh? Are you and your family close?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (hesitates) Very close, yes. Almost painfully close.</p>
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<p>LINDSAY: Mother, I'm going to walk Nana and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator.
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George, do you mind waiting just one more minute?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Mind? Why would I mind? I would love to wait! (shakes hands with
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Nana) Nana, nice to see you. Ni-ni-ni-ni-NANA! (embraces another guest,
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kisses her) Aunt Phyllis, always a pleasure. What a pleasure! Hey, let's
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do this again real soon. I had fun, huh?</p>
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<p>MRS. ENRIGHT: Can I offer you anything to eat?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, no no no, I'm fine. Let me help you with these dishes, huh?</p>
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<p>MRS. ENRIGHT: Oh no, George, you don't have to...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, I know I don't have to, I want to.</p>
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<p>MRS. ENRIGHT: George, you are such a gentleman.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright. (exits) Here we go, all right.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Kitchen]</p>
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<p>(George opens trash bin, sees an clair at the top with one bite taken
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out of it. After looking around to make sure no one is watching, he picks
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up the clair and takes a bite just as Mrs. Enright enters the kitchen.)</p>
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<p>MRS. ENRIGHT: (wide-eyed) Oh...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (spits out mouthful of food): Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Mr. Pitt's office]</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (pointing at 3-D picture) Look, there's a spaceship! That is
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so cool!</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: Where is it?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (pointing) Right here.</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: I'm looking there!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, no, unfocus.</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: I am unfocused!</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>(phone rings)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (answering phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, okay fine. Uh, he'll be right
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down. (to Pitt) Car's here to pick you up and take you to the meeting.</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: (still staring at picture) Meeting?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, the Poland Creek merger?</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: Why don't you go for me?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: How can I go?</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: Oh, all they're gonna do is read the report.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Mr. Pitt, I do not think that is such a good idea.</p>
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<p>MR. PITT: Oh, DAMN this thing!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Jerry's car]</p>
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<p>JERRY: (trying desperately to make conversation) So, Ceausescu. He must've
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been some dictator.</p>
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<p>KATYA: Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating.</p>
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<p>JERRY: He, uh, he must've been dictating first thing in the morning.
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"I want a cup of coffee and a muffin!"</p>
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<p>KATYA: And you could not refuse.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, you'd have to be crazy.</p>
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<p>KATYA: He was a very bad dictator.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes. Very bad. Very, very bad.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Monk's Diner]</p>
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<p>JERRY: So lemme get this straight: you find yourself in the kitchen.
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You see an clair, in the receptacle. And you think to yourself, "What
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the hell, I'll just eat some trash."</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, no. No, no, no. It was not trash!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Was it in the trash?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yes.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Then it was trash.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: It wasn't down in, it was sort of on top.</p>
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<p>JERRY: But it was in the cylinder!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Above the rim.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: It was on a magazine! And it still had the doily on.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Was it eaten?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: One little bite.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, that's garbage.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides Man and
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Bum. You are now a Bum.</p>
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<p>(Kramer enters, walking awkwardly)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's with you?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I got a stone.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What stone?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: A kidney stone.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What is that, anyway?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's a, it's a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in
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the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the
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ureter into the bladder. It's forced out through the urine!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, that's gotta hurt.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Poland Creek office]</p>
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<p>ARONSON: Our shareholders have given basic approval for the merger, including
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the stock swap.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ah. The "stock swap". Let's swap some stock. (giggles)</p>
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<p>BECK: And if you'll just give this to Mr. Pitt, and tell him we expect
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to be in full-scale production by the spring.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: All right. (standing up) Hey, you guys--what's the name of the
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new company gonna be?</p>
|
|
<p>BECK: Moland Spring.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (making a face) "Moland"?</p>
|
|
<p>ARONSON: Yes, we combined Morgan and Poland.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I know, but... "Moland"? I wouldn't drink anything
|
|
called "Moland".</p>
|
|
<p>ARONSON: But it was Mr. Pitt's idea.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh! Well, ah, what's in a name? I mean, water's water. Right?</p>
|
|
<p>ARONSON: (to Beck) We've got to do something about that name.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, it was
|
|
not IN the garbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering. Like an angel.
|
|
Of course I know your aunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen, can I
|
|
tell you something else? In my family, we used to eat out of the garbage
|
|
all the time. (Jerry makes a face) It was no big thing. That's right.
|
|
Oh, okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm back in, she gave me a second
|
|
chance.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Good for you.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes, good for me!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Y'know what you should do now? Get her some flowers, smooth it
|
|
out.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes, flowers. I will get her flowers, I will go to the florist!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (enters apartment, holding up videotape) Behold! The Games of
|
|
the '84 Olympiad! Katya's silver medal performance! (inserts tape into
|
|
VCR, sets up TV)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, are you still on this? I've seen gymnasts. I know what
|
|
they do. It's not going to make any difference.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Jerry, what is your problem?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, y'know, guys like you, with no conscience, don't know
|
|
what it's like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate position of having
|
|
to consider people's feelings.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right, Jerry--are you familiar with the Kama Sutra?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Tantric yoga?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual
|
|
delights that most men dare not dream of!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, you can really talk some trash. (to George) I guess that's
|
|
better than eating it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right, all right, why don't we just watch the tape? (starts
|
|
playback)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Did you pass your stone yet?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Not yet. But the suspense is killing me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (pointing at TV) Hey, that's her!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine grunts and sighs can
|
|
be heard as they watch the tape) Look at the height, Jerry, the extension!
|
|
Now watch the tuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into a straddle, back
|
|
into another handstand. Nice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg extension,
|
|
good form! Now, here comes the big dismount. Look at the rotation, full
|
|
in, double back, and she sticks the landing! (gets up to leave as George
|
|
and Jerry continue to watch, mouths agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep
|
|
the tape? (silence) Well, I'll take that as a yes.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's car, night]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (smiling and excited) Well, here we are.</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: Yes. We are here.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How did you stay on that beam like that? (holds up hand) I mean,
|
|
it's only this wide!</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: I can balance myself in any position.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry swallows)</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: It is amazing after years of training how one can contort one's
|
|
body. Of course, it is only useful in gymnastics.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh boy...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's apartment, morning]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I couldn't believe it. Uh, I mean I thought I was entering a "magical
|
|
world" of sensual delights, but it was just so ordinary. I mean,
|
|
there was nothing gymnastic about it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, what did you think she was gonna do?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, you know. I mean... I dunno.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, what?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, obviously I prefer not to mention any, you know...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What did you think, she was going to take some of that chalk
|
|
and...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You see, now I really don't want to get into this, any kind of
|
|
specifics...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well... Frankly, I thought, you know, I was gonna kinda' be like
|
|
the apparatus.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You mean like the uneven parallel bars?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: See, again, I really don't feel that...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: The balance beam?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Could we stop?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel horse?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right. Let's just drop it.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and Elaine move to couch)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So lemme ask you this: how long would you say I have to put in
|
|
now because of, you know, last night.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I dunno, at least three weeks.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (sarcastic) Oh, great.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, that is such small potatoes. I think that I may have single-handedly
|
|
put the kibosh on the big water merger.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Between Poland and Morgan?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah. Started a big name controversy.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer shouts from off-screen)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer! The stone!</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and Elaine rush to Kramer's apartment, stand in doorway)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What happened, did you pass the stone?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Off-screen) No, I tried to do a reverse hecht off my couch and
|
|
I didn't make it.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[City street]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (singing as he exits florist with bouquet and a cup of coffee)
|
|
"...tootsie, good-bye. Too-too, tootsie..." (takes a drink,
|
|
makes a face, shouts back at shop) You call this coffee? (dumps out coffee
|
|
behind him, accidentally hitting a parked car's windshield)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN IN CAR: Hey! What the hell was that?!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm sorry! I'm terribly sorry! I- I-</p>
|
|
<p>MAN IN CAR: Clean that up!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, sure. Of course. (looks for place to set down flowers) Um,
|
|
uh, could you hold these? For just a second, just a second. (grabs newspapers
|
|
from trash bin, begins wiping windshield) Here you go, now don't worry
|
|
about a thing. It's gonna be fine. Here we go. Look at this shine.</p>
|
|
<p>MRS. ENRIGHT: (sees George cleaning car windshield, looks appalled)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Look at this sparkle. (looks up, sees Lindsay's mother) Mrs.
|
|
Enright! (runs after her) Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally
|
|
spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield. Why would I do that? I have
|
|
a job! Well, did she see a squeegee? Well, you're not going to make a
|
|
dime without a squeegee. That's right, that's right, just tell your mother
|
|
it was all a big misunderstanding. You won't regret it. Okay, I'll see
|
|
you later. Buh-bye. (hangs up)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Strike two!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You think I'm going down?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're behind in the count.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I know.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (enters apartment, points at Jerry) Hey, what are you doing later?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm going out with Katya, thanks to you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, maybe you should try again. You know what happens the first
|
|
time: people are a little shy, a little reticent.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: If I do it again, that extends my payment book another two weeks.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right, where you going?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: We're going to the circus. One of her old Olympic teammates is
|
|
an acrobat. I don't even feel like going out.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta go, and spend time with this
|
|
girl, then you're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no, no, I don't wanna go to the circus, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, well you're going.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, but I'm afraid of clowns!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Mr. Pitt's office]</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: (in polo outfit, complete with jacket and high boots) I didn't
|
|
send you over there to complain about the name.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, I couldn't help it. "Moland Spring"?</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: I like the name "Moland". I picked it out. After
|
|
all those months of negotiating!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, I'm so sorry! I-</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: Well, I'm going riding. I haven't been on Jenny for three days,
|
|
all because of this blasted painting. (phone rings) Elaine?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, sorry. (picks up phone) Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: (walks by 3-D poster, stops) Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
|
|
Ah!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Circus, backstage]</p>
|
|
<p>(Clowns rush by Jerry and Kramer, Kramer flinches in fear)</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: So, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: "Greatest Show on Earth"!</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: My father used to take me to the circus. When the elephants came
|
|
by, he would scream curses at them, blaming them for all the ills of society.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, they certainly take up a lot of space.</p>
|
|
<p>(Katya's friend walks up)</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: Ah, Misha!</p>
|
|
<p>MISHA: Katya!</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: Misha, this is Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>MISHA: Ah, yes. The "co-me-dian", eh? (speaks in Romanian to
|
|
Katya)</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: (laughs, replies in Romanian while pointing at Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Mr. Pitt's office]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (on phone) Oh, yes, yes I'll tell him. Yes, thank you. Um, um
|
|
hold on. (to Pitt) Mr. Pitt!</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: (staring at 3-D poster) I think I'm on to something!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Mr. Pitt! The board of directors is on the phone. They've called
|
|
an emergency meeting. They want you to be there to discuss the merger!</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: You said keep your eyes out of focus, which is misleading.
|
|
You want DEEP focus!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (on phone) Yes, hi. Okay, fine, yeah, hold on just a second.
|
|
Lemme just... (reaches into purse) Yeah, I've got it... (pulls out both
|
|
hands completely covered in black ink) Oh! Oh! Yeah, yeah, he'll be there.
|
|
(drops phone, rushes to Pitt) Mr. Pitt, you have GOT to stop staring at
|
|
that poster!</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: I see something that could be a spaceship. Is it round? Is
|
|
it pointy?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (grabs poster, smashes it) No, you don't see it, and you're never
|
|
going to see it! (grabs Pitt by the lapels, getting ink all over his jacket)
|
|
Mr. Pitt, you have to meet with the shareholders, you have to leave now.
|
|
Do you hear me? Do you hear me?!</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: Hmm, what's happened to me? (straightens lapels) When's the
|
|
meeting?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: In about twenty minutes.</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: Oh! (puts finger to face, smearing ink on his upper lip which
|
|
now resembles an "Adolph Hitler"-style moustache) Do I have
|
|
time to change?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Um, no.</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: Well, excuse me, I'd better get straight over there.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Uh, Mr. Pitt...</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: Yes?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Um, there's a just... (points at her own upper lip)</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: (sees Elaine's hands covered in ink) Is that ink?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No?</p>
|
|
<p>(Pitt exits)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[George's car]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, here we are.</p>
|
|
<p>LINDSAY: Do you want to come in? My mother's having a little party.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Maybe I could just use the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>LINDSAY: Sure.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Circus, back stage]</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER: (voiceover) Ladies and gentlemen, could I direct your attention
|
|
to the center ring, where the incomparable Misha will balance ten stories
|
|
above the circus floor on a wire no wider than a human thumb.</p>
|
|
<p>MISHA: It is time.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, break a leg.</p>
|
|
<p>(Misha gives Jerry a dark look)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Eh, show biz...</p>
|
|
<p>ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Misha!</p>
|
|
<p>(Misha exits)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy, those capes are really coming back.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Lindsay's mother's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>PARTY GUEST: (exits bathroom, finds George waiting) Oh, sorry I took
|
|
so long. They've got one of those 3-D art posters in there. (wipes eyes)
|
|
It's mesmerizing.</p>
|
|
<p>(George enters bathroom)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Circus]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer repeatedly convulses in pain, spilling popcorn and food everywhere,
|
|
enters Men's room)</p>
|
|
<p>(Misha walks slowly across tightrope)</p>
|
|
<p>(Long scream bellows forth from Men's room, causing other occupant to
|
|
flee and Misha to wobble)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Circus, back stage]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What is that sound?</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: (covering ears) It is horrible!</p>
|
|
<p>(Shots of various circus performers reacting to the reverberating scream.
|
|
Misha falls off the tightrope as audience gasps in horror)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Lindsay's mother's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(George emerges from bathroom, shirtless and rubbing eyes)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Whew! Anybody see that poster in there? That is weird, wild stuff,
|
|
huh? Whew!</p>
|
|
<p>(George looks around and sees all the party guests staring at him, then
|
|
realizes he's shirtless. Tries to act casual)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Morgan Springs shareholder meeting]</p>
|
|
<p>(Mr. Pitt stands at a podium, and still has the small black "ink
|
|
moustache". He speaks harshly and with conviction, gesturing emphatically.)</p>
|
|
<p>MR. PITT: I have been accused of wrong-doing. But these false accusations
|
|
will not deter us. We WILL annex Poland by the Spring, at any cost! AND...
|
|
our stock will rise HIGH! (raises hand)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Circus, back stage]</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: He'll be all right. I must go and be with Misha now. I don't want
|
|
you to come with me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, why not?</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: It has been three days since our night together. Misha said that
|
|
was all the time I needed to put in.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>KATYA: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that
|
|
to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights
|
|
most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian".
|
|
You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian. (walks
|
|
off)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Circus, Men's room]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer walks out, jubilant and whistling)</p>
|
|
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p
|
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
|
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|