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<h1>The Handicap Spot</h1>
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<p align="center"><br>
Transcribed by: Erwin Gerrits<br>
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
<small>(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
as two lines above are included - Thanks)</small></p>
<p><br>
<br>
[At the comedy club]<br>
<br>
Jerry: I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the
bachelor party and the <br>
bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's
getting the lingerie, he'd be at <br>
a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible.
But to me, the <br>
difference between being single and being married, is the form of government.
You see, when you're <br>
single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power.
I can give the order to fall <br>
asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can
overrule me! When you're <br>
married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything gets
done there are meetings. <br>
Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works.
That's what's so painful <br>
about divorce: you get impeached and you're not even the president!<br>
<br>
[Jerry's apartment]<br>
<br>
George: Hey, is it my imagination, or do really good looking women walk
a lot faster than <br>
everybody else?<br>
<br>
Elaine: We don't walk that fast...<br>
<br>
George: No seriously...<br>
<br>
Elaine: Seriously, we don't.<br>
<br>
George: The better looking they are, the faster they go! I mean, I see
they out there on the <br>
street, they're zooming around, like a blur. Like they have a motor on
their ass.<br>
<br>
Elaine: (Yelling to Jerry in the bedroom) Hey Jerry, come on, let's go.
We're gonna miss the <br>
previews!<br>
<br>
Jerry (coming out of the bathroom): What's the big hurry?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present.<br>
<br>
George: I gotta buy a present now?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Of course you do, it's an engagement party.<br>
<br>
George: It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they
get married, you gonna <br>
have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present.
Then the baby starts <br>
getting their presents. I don't even like Drake.<br>
<br>
Jerry: You don't like the Drake?<br>
<br>
George: Hate the Drake.<br>
<br>
Elaine: I *love* the Drake.<br>
<br>
Jerry: How could you not like the Drake?<br>
<br>
George: Who's the Drake?<br>
<br>
Elaine: &quot;Who's the Drake&quot;?<br>
<br>
Jerry: The Drake is good!<br>
<br>
Elaine: So listen, what are you gonna get him?<br>
<br>
George: I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom)<br>
<br>
Jerry: Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. It's a doodle. It's
perfect!<br>
<br>
Elaine: So what? That's easy.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Easy?<br>
<br>
(Kramer enters in his usual way)<br>
<br>
Elaine: Hi! Hey, have you gotten your present yet for the Drake?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Uh, no, no, not yet.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Do you like the Drake?<br>
<br>
Kramer: I *love* the Drake! I'm looking forward to meeting the Drakette!<br>
<br>
Elaine: I'm lukewarm about the Drakette.<br>
<br>
Kramer: (Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle...<br>
<br>
Jerry: It's Isosceles<br>
<br>
Kramer: Ooh, Isosceles. I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would
name him Isosceles. <br>
Isosceles Kramer.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift.<br>
<br>
Jerry: The chip-in!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Hey, a pretty good idea, huh?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely!<br>
<br>
Jerry: You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we
go to the party. We'll have <br>
to take your car, it's got the most room.<br>
<br>
Kramer: No, no! My car's not running.<br>
<br>
(George enters the room from the washroom)<br>
<br>
Jerry: What about your father's car?<br>
<br>
George: No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's
got the good spot in front <br>
of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna
wanna move.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Are you serious?<br>
<br>
George: You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he
doesn't go out for weeks. <br>
<br>
Jerry: How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold
the good spot in front of <br>
the good building, and we can get the good car!<br>
<br>
George: Good thinking!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Good to meet you!<br>
<br>
[George's car]<br>
<br>
Elaine: So what are we gonna get him?<br>
<br>
Jerry: We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in.<br>
<br>
George: I like this area. I could live out here. <br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you
permission to sublet my <br>
room right now.<br>
<br>
George: Look at this. There's no spaces here. (to another car) Excuse
me, are you gettin' out?<br>
<br>
Man in car: No!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Why don't you take a handicap spot...<br>
<br>
George: You think?<br>
<br>
Elaine: No, no! We'll find a space. There's spaces in the other lot. <br>
<br>
George: I don't want to walk that far.<br>
<br>
Elaine: What if a handicapped person needs it?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Oh, come on, they don't drive!<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
Jerry: Yes, they do!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and
park?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well there's spaces there, they must drive!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.<br>
<br>
Elaine: So if you can drive, you're not handicapped?<br>
<br>
George: Look, we're not gonna be that long anyway... we have to get to
the &quot;party&quot;!<br>
<br>
Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to
park there! They wanna be <br>
treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.<br>
<br>
George: He's right! It's the same thing with the femenists. You know,
they want everything to be <br>
equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?<br>
<br>
Elaine: What does that mean?<br>
<br>
George: Yeah! Alright, I'm pulling in.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, go ahead.<br>
<br>
Elaine: George!<br>
<br>
George: Oh, come on, it's five minutes.<br>
<br>
(pulls into handicap spot)<br>
<br>
Kramer: Make sure we don't forget where the car's parked.<br>
<br>
Jerry, George, Elaine: Don't worry. We won't forget!<br>
<br>
[walking in the parking garage]<br>
<br>
Jerry: Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that
price?<br>
<br>
Elaine: What a sale, huh? And how about that store, delivering it tonight?
We're gonna be swimming <br>
in 'thank you's...<br>
<br>
George: What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger,
so I had to get the veggie <br>
burger, I'm allover crums...<br>
<br>
Jerry: No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good
for them, love the Drake!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Got to *love* the Drake!<br>
<br>
(sound of police cars)<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hey, what's going on over here?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Must have been an accident...<br>
<br>
(they turn the corner so they can see their car, surrounded by a lot of
people)<br>
<br>
Jerry: (to a woman) Hey, what's going on?<br>
<br>
Woman: Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair
had to wheel up this <br>
incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards
into the wall. Taken her to <br>
St. Elizabeth's...<br>
<br>
Jerry: Is she OK?<br>
<br>
Woman: I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car
to show up. May not get out <br>
alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd
like to stick around and <br>
get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off.<br>
<br>
(man hits George's car in rage)<br>
<br>
George: How are we gonna get out of here? They'll kill us!<br>
<br>
Elaine: (to George) Are you happy now?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Who would think these people we're gonna be here?<br>
<br>
Jerry: I don't know...<br>
<br>
Elaine: What about the party? What about the Drake?<br>
<br>
George: Screw the Drake!<br>
<br>
Jerry: I love the Drake!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Let's just take a bus back to the city.<br>
<br>
George: Can't leave the car here!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Why not?<br>
<br>
George: It's my father's car!<br>
<br>
Man who hit car ealier: Let's smash it!<br>
<br>
Everybody: Yeah! Yeah!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Let's get out of here.<br>
<br>
[coffee shop]<br>
<br>
George: What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?<br>
<br>
Jerry: The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody
there, how do we know <br>
they're not all hiding, waiting for us?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there
all night?<br>
<br>
Jerry: What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of
the century? It's not like <br>
we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying...<br>
<br>
George: What I don't get is, just because the battery is dead, you think
she'd be able to roll up <br>
the hill with her hands!<br>
<br>
Kramer: You'd think...<br>
<br>
George: I mean, batteries have gone dead before, aren't they prepared
for that?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Most of them don't even have batteries.<br>
<br>
George: Must be one of those rich, spoiled handicapped people, who didn't
want to do any work, and <br>
just wanted to sit in her wheelchair and take it easy. <br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah...<br>
<br>
George: Well, I'm sorry!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Our big screen TV is probably arriving right now...<br>
<br>
George: How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan!<br>
<br>
Jerry: I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Me?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, they won't?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Not if they don't know you...<br>
<br>
Elaine: I'm not going for this, Kramer should go! It was all his idea!<br>
<br>
Kramer: No chance in hell!<br>
<br>
Jerry: What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went
by the car and started <br>
screaming: &quot;There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!&quot;
And then, when they all run into <br>
the other direction, we'll jump in the car!<br>
<br>
George: That's good, we'll give it a try...<br>
<br>
Elaine: That's good...<br>
<br>
Jerry: That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Huh?<br>
<br>
[parking garage]<br>
<br>
(the four of them approach George's car, which is smashed to pieces)<br>
<br>
Jerry: (as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot
of these scratches will buff <br>
right out... <br>
<br>
[George's parents' house]<br>
<br>
Frank: Eight years have I had this car. Not a scratch on it! Eight years!<br>
<br>
(Estelle is playing Mahjongh with the ladies)<br>
<br>
Frank: A beautiful Mercury! I special-ordered that bench seat!<br>
<br>
George: Dad, that other car cut us off! They had swastikas all over it...
They were hurling racial <br>
epiphates at us... I could have been killed!<br>
<br>
Estelle: (to Frank) I told you not to give it to him!<br>
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
Frank: (to George) You know, my insurance doesn't cover this? The whole
thing is a total loss!<br>
<br>
Mahjongh lady: Frank, the important thing is, he didn't get hurt!<br>
<br>
Frank: No it isn't!<br>
<br>
Mahjongh lady: So what are you doing now, Georgie?<br>
<br>
George: I'm uh... writing a pilot for NBC... <br>
<br>
Frank: Where the hell is my paper?<br>
<br>
Mahjongh lady: You're writing a pilot?<br>
<br>
Estelle: With his friend, Jerry Seinfeld... the comedian...<br>
<br>
Mahjongh lady: So what's it about?<br>
<br>
George: Well, Jerry's car gets hit and the other driver doesn't have any
insurance, so the judge <br>
sentences him to be Jerry's butler.<br>
<br>
Majongh ladies: This is the same situation! Frank, maybe you ought to
make him your butler! <br>
(giggling)<br>
<br>
Estelle: Every time you're with that Kramer, something happens... He's
a real trouble maker!<br>
<br>
George: Nah, he didn't have anything to do with it...<br>
<br>
Estelle: He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? I used to think was
nice... I don't know what <br>
happened to him... <br>
<br>
(Estelle wins at Mahjongh)<br>
<br>
[Jerry's apartment]<br>
<br>
(Jerry's on the phone with the Drake, Elaine is eating an Oreo cookie)<br>
<br>
Jerry: (to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome,
you're welcome... (to <br>
Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, yeah...<br>
<br>
Jerry: (to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great
idea. (To Elaine) Drake <br>
wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since
we missed the partly last <br>
night, to maybe get something to eat?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Sure!<br>
<br>
Jerry: (to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car!
... okay... okay, see you <br>
later... bye...<br>
<br>
Jerry: The Drake is great!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad
they're happy, but, <br>
frankly, that doesn't do anything for me. <br>
<br>
[buzzer rings]<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yes?<br>
<br>
George: It's me.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Come on up.<br>
<br>
[Door opens, Kramer enters]<br>
<br>
Kramer: Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's. <br>
<br>
Jerry: St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, the handicapped woman? I went to see her.<br>
<br>
Elaine: You went to see her?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah. <br>
<br>
Jerry: Wow, what happened?<br>
<br>
Kramer: I'm in love. <br>
<br>
Jerry: What?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love
her Jerry, I really love <br>
her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted
in another human being. <br>
Except for the walking.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much.<br>
<br>
[George enters]<br>
<br>
Kramer: Ah, I'm glad you're here. <br>
<br>
George: What?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Alright, now, we gotta go out. We gotta buy a wheelchair. <br>
<br>
George: A wheelchair? What for?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, you know I went to the hospital today, and I saw the woman,
you know, and the <br>
wheelchair is totalled, we gotta get her another one!<br>
<br>
George: Doesn't she have collision?<br>
<br>
Kramer: George, I'm in love with her! <br>
<br>
George: Well, my father works for the United Volunteers, maybe he can
get her one.<br>
<br>
Kramer: No! She needs it now!<br>
<br>
George: What about these two? Aren't they gonna chip in?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well...<br>
<br>
Elaine: Hey, we told you not to park there!<br>
<br>
George: Can't we just fix the old one?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Alright, alright. Fine George! Don't chip in! But some day, we're
gonna be driving along, <br>
we're gonna look out the window, and see her crawling along 5th avenue!
Is that what you want?<br>
<br>
George: Alright, alright! We'll buy her a wheelchair! Wheelchairs, engagement
presents.. IT NEVER <br>
ENDS!<br>
<br>
<br>
[at Surgical Appliances]<br>
<br>
Salesman: This is out best model. The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce
of wheelchairs. This is <br>
like... you're almost glad to be handicapped.<br>
<br>
Kramer: So now, what's this got?<br>
<br>
Salesman: Inductive joystick, dynamic braking, flip-up arms, it's fully
loaded. I put Stephen <br>
Hawking in one of these two months ago, he's lovin' it! It's rated number
one by Hospital Supply and <br>
Prosthetic Magazine.<br>
<br>
George: How much?<br>
<br>
Salesman: 6200. <br>
<br>
George: Do you have something a little more... less expensive?<br>
<br>
<br>
[At the Drake's]<br>
<br>
(The Drake opens the door, the Drakette is sitting on the couch)<br>
<br>
Jerry and Elaine: Hey Drake! Hi Drake! <br>
<br>
Jerry:Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, look at that!<br>
<br>
Elaine: My God this is fantastic! Tell me, were you guys just blown away
or what?<br>
<br>
The Drake: Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic...<br>
<br>
(Jerry sits down next to Alison)<br>
<br>
Jerry: I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl
here, every big fight....<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh?<br>
<br>
Jerry: So where're we eatin'?<br>
<br>
The Drake: Well, actually... Jerry... <br>
<br>
Elaine: I'm *really* hungry!<br>
<br>
The Drake: ... we just broke up...<br>
<br>
Jerry: When did this happen?<br>
<br>
The Drake: About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really sorry about this guys...
whew!<br>
<br>
Jerry (looking at the TV): Look at the picture on this thing...<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
Elaine: Oh, cristal clear! <br>
<br>
Jerry: They know how to make 'em...<br>
<br>
(The Drake starts sobbing)<br>
<br>
Elaine: Are there any good Italian restaurants around here?<br>
<br>
The Drake (through his sobbing): Gagliano's... that's pretty good...<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well... we should... <br>
<br>
Elaine: Get movin'...<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the
best. <br>
<br>
Elaine: Take it easy. Bye-Bye Alison!<br>
<br>
(The Drake is sobbing again, Elaine takes the remote control out the door
then returns)<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, the remote! Okay, I'm just gonna put it on top of the television...<br>
<br>
<br>
[at Surgical Appliances]<br>
<br>
Salesman: Alright, this one is about 8 years old. Not a scratch on it,
it was owned by some lady <br>
who only used it to go from the bathroom to the kitchen and to feed her
cat.<br>
<br>
Kramer: But this'll get you around?<br>
<br>
Salesman: Oh sure, it just doesn't have any of the thrills of the Cougar.<br>
<br>
George: Like what?<br>
<br>
Salesman: For example, your tremor-damping.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Now what's that?<br>
<br>
Salesman: It helps to control the direction regardless of the operator's
tremors or spasticity.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, is it alright if I try it?<br>
<br>
Salesman: Hop in!<br>
<br>
(Kramer sits down, and likes it)<br>
<br>
Kramer: Oh yeah!<br>
<br>
(Salesman is laughing)<br>
<br>
Salesman: I tell ya...<br>
<br>
(Kramer crashes into wheelchairs while trying to control his)<br>
<br>
Salesman: When I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds
me why I got into this <br>
business in the first place.<br>
<br>
George: How much?<br>
<br>
(Kramer crashes into some more wheelchairs)<br>
<br>
Salesman: How about $240?<br>
<br>
George &amp; Kramer: We'll take it!<br>
<br>
<br>
[Jerry's appartment]<br>
<br>
Elaine: Drake gave her the TV?<br>
<br>
Jerry: He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's *our* TV!<br>
<br>
Jerry: I know it is!<br>
<br>
Elaine: Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake!<br>
<br>
Jerry: I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can
just get engaged and get <br>
presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago
tomorrow and do the whole <br>
thing all over again.<br>
<br>
Elaine: They don't know anybody in Chicago. <br>
<br>
Jerry: Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV.<br>
<br>
(George enters)<br>
<br>
George: Hey.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up.<br>
<br>
George (excited): The Drake broke up?! That's fantastic! Now we get the
TV back! It'll help defray <br>
some of the cost of the wheelchair.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I don't know about defraying. <br>
<br>
George: Why?<br>
<br>
Jerry: We're not gettin' that TV.<br>
<br>
George: What do you mean? The engagement is off, we get the TV back. That's
business.<br>
<br>
Elaine: The Drakette took it.<br>
<br>
George: She can't take it. It's not hers, it's theirs. Once there's no
theirs there's no hers, it <br>
should be ours. <br>
<br>
Elaine: Well, she has it!<br>
<br>
George (upset): I *told* you the Drake was bad! I hate the Drake!<br>
<br>
George: Maybe we should call her.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Well, who's gonna call?<br>
<br>
Jerry: You are.<br>
<br>
Elaine: What? Why is it me who always has to do these things?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Because that's your thing!<br>
<br>
Elaine: What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return
expensive gifts, that's my <br>
&quot;thing&quot;?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, that's your thing.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Alright, gimme the phone... it's my &quot;thing&quot;...<br>
<br>
(Elaine starts dialling)<br>
<br>
Jerry (to George): You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo.<br>
<br>
George: Really?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah. <br>
<br>
George: I could see that...<br>
<br>
(Alison through phone): Hello?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Alison! Hi, this is Elaine... <br>
<br>
(Alison through phone): I gave all the gifts to charity.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, Okay... well thanks a lot... sorry again about you and the
Drake...<br>
<br>
(Alison though phone): I hate the Drake.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Everybody does. Bye-bye....<br>
<br>
(Elaine hangs up the phone)<br>
<br>
Elaine: She gave it to charity.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Charity?!? That's apalling.<br>
<br>
George: How could anybody be so selfish and inconsiderate!<br>
<br>
(Kramer enters)<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, I gave her the wheelchair! You should have seen the look
on her face. And then she <br>
told me, that the old wheelchair, that wasn't any good anyway! So you
see George, the whole <br>
incident was a God blessing! Yeah!<br>
<br>
George: You mean a blessing in disguise?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah....<br>
<br>
<br>
[At George's parents' place]<br>
<br>
Lady: And I would also like to personally thank our gracious host Frank
Costanza, who has earned <br>
the silver circle award and is our unanimous choice for the United Volunteer
Representative of the <br>
Month!<br>
<br>
(applause)<br>
<br>
Lady: Due to his tireless effort, he personally raised over $22,000. That's
a lot of wheelchairs!<br>
<br>
(applause, door bel rings)<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
Lady: On behalf of the United Volunteers of Greater New York, we thank
you!<br>
<br>
(Estelle opens the front door, two men walk in)<br>
<br>
Frank: Well... thank you very much!<br>
<br>
Cop: Mr. Costanza?<br>
<br>
Frank: Yes?<br>
<br>
Cop: You're under arrest. <br>
<br>
Frank: Under arrest? What for?<br>
<br>
Cop: Reckless endangerment of public safety, and violation of traffic
code 342-A.<br>
<br>
Frank: What's that?<br>
<br>
Cop: Parking in a handicap spot. Let's go...<br>
<br>
Frank: George! George!<br>
<br>
<br>
[Jerry's appartment]<br>
<br>
Jerry: Your father got arrested? For what?<br>
<br>
George: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United
Volunteers meeting. When he <br>
got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Ho-ly!<br>
<br>
George: Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine,
there's no way I can <br>
ever pay him back...<br>
<br>
Jerry: So what are you gonna do?<br>
<br>
George: I agreed to become his butler.<br>
<br>
Jerry: What?<br>
<br>
(Kramer enters)<br>
<br>
Jerry: What's the matter?<br>
<br>
Kramer: It's over! <br>
<br>
Jerry: What's over?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Me and Lola....<br>
<br>
George: The woman we bought the wheelchair for?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, she dumped me! <br>
<br>
Jerry: She dumped you?<br>
<br>
Kramer: She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster
dufus. Am I a hipster dufus?<br>
<br>
Jerry &amp; George (hesitatingly): ... no...<br>
<br>
Kramer: Said I'm not good looking enough for her. Not good looking! Jerry,
look at me, look at my <br>
face, huh, am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?<br>
<br>
George: ...you're very attractive...<br>
<br>
Kramer: yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop
dead!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Drop dead?<br>
<br>
George: Boy, even I never heard that one...<br>
<br>
Jerry: She's pretty rough!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeesh-jip!<br>
<br>
George: Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.<br>
<br>
Jerry: 240 bucks?<br>
<br>
George: Well, it was slightly used...<br>
<br>
Jerry: Used?<br>
<br>
<br>
[cut to Lola rolling down a hill trying to use her brakes that don't work,
screaming]<br>
<br>
<br>
[George's parents' place]<br>
<br>
(George's vaccuuming)<br>
<br>
Frank (picking up his shoes): I don't think you did such a good job on
these... <br>
<br>
(George turns off the vaccuum)<br>
<br>
George: What!?<br>
<br>
Frank: You're supposed to your face there! Do you see your face in there?<br>
<br>
(Phone rings)<br>
<br>
Frank: Yeah? ...oh really?...oh... how about that?... Right down a hill
huh?<br>
Okay! Alight! Bye!<br>
<br>
(hangs up the phone)<br>
<br>
Frank: George, forget about the shoes. Want you to do something for me
(scribbles something on a <br>
piece of paper). This handicapped woman had an accident. Somebody gave
her a used wheelchair with <br>
defective brakes.<br>
<br>
George: Sons of bitches!<br>
<br>
Frank: Anyway, I want you to pick up this big screen TV, and deliver it
to her. <br>
<br>
George: Big screen TV?<br>
<br>
Frank: Do you think you can handle it?<br>
<br>
<br>
[At the Drakette's]<br>
<br>
(knock on door, the Drakette opens)<br>
<br>
Alison: Yes?<br>
<br>
George: Hi, we're from the United Volunteers, we've come to pick up the
TV.<br>
<br>
Alison: Oh great, it's right over there.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Ooh, it's a big one!<br>
<br>
<br>
{All four inside a delivery van outside the mall)<br>
<br>
George: Who's got the receipt?<br>
<br>
Elaine: I do. <br>
<br>
George: Will they give us cash?<br>
<br>
Jerry: That's their policy. <br>
<br>
George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...<br>
<br>
Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrant?<br>
<br>
George: What if there is a fire?<br>
<br>
Kramer: What are the chances of that?<br>
<br>
<br>
-End-<br>
<br>
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's)
site
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