1023 lines
41 KiB
HTML
1023 lines
41 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Implant</h1>
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<br>
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Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Oct. 28, 2002.<br>
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<br>
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Posted on The News Guy(Mike)'s page http://www.geocities.com/tnguym<br>
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<br>
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Written by Peter Mehlman. Directed by Tom Cherones.<br>
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<br>
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Guest Stars: Teri Hatcher (Sidra)<br>
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Megan Mullally (Betsy)<br>
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Carol Rosenthal (Airline clerk #1)<br>
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Donald Bishop (Dr. Allenwood)<br>
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Tony Amendola (Sal Bass)<br>
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Kieran Mulroney (Timmy)<br>
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Peggy Stewart (Aunt May)<br>
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Bruce E. Morrow (Father Jessup)<br>
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Susan Beaubian (Airline clerk #2)<br>
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<IMG SRC=http://tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 >
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<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry's stand-up: The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to
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people today - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking
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machine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way that this
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thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just order it off the
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menu. 'I tell you what, give me the cheesecake, crank me up to nine, and
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put a scoop of ice cream on the side.'<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening scene - Sidra on a Stairmaster at the New York Health Club. Jerry
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enters after his workout w/gymbag in hand.<br>
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<br>
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SIDRA: Oh, hi Jerry.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless
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of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then
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I can go an hour.<br>
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<br>
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SIDRA (amused): Really.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there
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and you stare.<br>
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<br>
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SIDRA (stepping off): Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, right?<br>
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<br>
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SIDRA: Thursday night.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Alright.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine walks over to Jerry.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Good workout?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY (mimics smoking an "after sex cigarette"): Tremendous
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workout.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: That's a pretty girl.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Tremendous girl. <br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: She's the one you went out with last night?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah. I really like her.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: You know, uh...they're fake.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: What? Don't say that!<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Nah! They're fake!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: How do you know?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot
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a lesbian?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I'm not bragging, I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. <A
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woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.> Hi, how ya doin.' <Jerry jerks
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a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.><br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yes, they do!<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg
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man.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have
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legs. Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: No.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you had
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seen her naked.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I don't want to see her naked.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Well, I do. <br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Well, that's your problem.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow
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up.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go in there and spy on her
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|
in the sauna?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative journalism. I need
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to know!<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: But a few more dates and you can find out for yourself!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's on his ninth date with
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Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: What's his problem?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up.
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Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on
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his wrong side.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Wrong side?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his
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left hand. Can't go left.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: He can't go left.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left
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|
or right?<br>
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|
<br>
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ELAINE: Nah, we just play defense.<br>
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<br>
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|
<br>
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New scene - George and Betsy at Betsy's apartment. George tries to make
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|
it to the right-hand side of the couch, but Betsy beats him to it.<br>
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|
<br>
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GEORGE: Can I ask you a question? Would you mind switching seats?<br>
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<br>
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BETSY: Oh, actually, I really prefer to sit here. I don't hear very well
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|
out of this ear <points to her right ear> so, I always try to sit
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|
to the right of people.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: I'll shout.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
BETSY: Well, I really think I feel more comfortable here.<br>
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<br>
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|
GEORGE: C'mon, c'mon...<stands up and physically rolls Betsy to the
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|
left side of the couch.> See, now, is that so bad?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
BETSY: What? <The phone rings.><br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE (attempting to make a move): No, no, the machine'll get it...<br>
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|
<br>
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BETSY: No, no, it's not on...<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: They'll call back.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
BETSY: But George, what if it's an emergency?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies.
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|
Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
BETSY: George, please. <Gets up and answers the phone.> Hello? What?
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|
<shocked> Oh my god!<br>
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|
<br>
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GEORGE: Alright, maybe four.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
New scene - Elaine at the health club, in the sauna with Sidra and some
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|
other women. We hear her thoughts.<br>
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<br>
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|
ELAINE's brain: Boy, I'm really sweatin.' Good sweat, beads of sweat...sweatin'
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|
bullets. <Notices Sidra.> Look at her. I don't need to see her naked
|
|
to know those aren't real. Why does she need to tie the towel around her?
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|
She's got a rack on her chest. <Sidra takes her towel off and lies
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|
down.> Oh god! Sidra's takin' the towel off! <Looks at Sidra's chest.>
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|
Whoa, doctor! That's it, I knew it! I knew it, they're definitely fake.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<br>
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|
<br>
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Cut back to George and Betsy at her apartment. Betsy's still on the phone.<br>
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|
<br>
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BETSY: So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice was so ill, I guess
|
|
it was really a blessing. <George, on the couch behind Betsy, is impatiently
|
|
waiting for her to get off the phone so he can continue putting the moves
|
|
on her. He shrugs, and crosses himself.> Yeah, I'll fly home as soon
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|
as I can. <George waves goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through
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|
the air with his hand.> O.k. You, too. Get some sleep. <Betsy looks
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at George, and he manufactures a completely phony look of sorrow.><br>
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<br>
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<br>
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New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: You're sure? <br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Positive! This chick's playin' with confederate money.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well then, that's it. That's the end of that. <br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: What? Just 'cause of that?<br>
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<br>
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|
JERRY: Just 'cause of that? It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked
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|
his bat!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, come on! You've dated women with nosejobs, what's the difference?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You don't touch the nose! You don't aspire to reach the nose. You
|
|
don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look
|
|
up a woman's nostril.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Well, I take it very seriously. <br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've
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|
ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
<Kramer enters.><br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breast feel like.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I know what they feel like. <br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: You? How do you know?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (laughs): I thought you hated Los Angeles.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I do! I just miss the warm weather, y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish
|
|
I could get away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Real busy now down at the office? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (laughing): Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah well, I can see that
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|
- you got five millions Moslems after you, you wanna stay in pretty good
|
|
shape.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry, George and Kramer in the sauna at the health club.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I
|
|
can't make a move.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You put her on a pedestal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I put them on a dental chair.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He puts 'em on a dental chair.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I'm not her boyfriend. I want to be her boyfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Whoo. It's like a sauna in here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: That's funny. You're a funny guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that before. <To George>
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|
So, you goin' to the funeral?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Why, you think I should?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the
|
|
relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her...you're
|
|
the consolation guy! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I'm the consolation guy...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Consolation Guy is big.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: It's like ten dates in one shot.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there...you're
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|
taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: It's in Detroit though, it's an expensive flight.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Why don't you get a "death in the family" fare?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What? <br>
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|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You go to the airlines, you tell them you got a death in the family?
|
|
They give you 50% off the fare.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Really?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: In fact, listen...I'll go down there with ya. You know, we'll
|
|
tell them there's a death in my family, you buy the ticket, I'll split
|
|
it...then I'll get the bonus miles and you'll get to Detroit for a quarter
|
|
of the price!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<George considers.><br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Elaine in the sauna again. We hear her thoughts.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE's brain: Boy, I'm gettin' a good sweat here. Great sweat, good
|
|
beads. Nice beads. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Sidra enters the sauna with a friend.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE's brain: Ah, look who's here. "Silicon Valley."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA (to her friend): So anyway, we go out on one date, he asks me out
|
|
for a second, then out of nowhere he cancels the date and says he doesn't
|
|
want to see me again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Uh...sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: Oh, that's o.k. <br>
|
|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Did he give you a reason?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: Yeah. He's going back to his old girlfriend.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Really?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: He said she's mentally ill. He's one of those guys who is obsessed
|
|
with neatness and order? Everything has gotta be just so. He would have
|
|
made a great Nazi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: Yes! How did you know?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, I know the type.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: So you can relate?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA (sits across from Elaine and takes her towel off): You know, I've
|
|
seen you around the club. My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, hi. I'm Elaine. <Gets up to shake Sidra's hand, but stumbles
|
|
and falls "right into them."><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost
|
|
my balance and I fell right into her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You fell on her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I touched 'em.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I...touched...'em.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You touched 'em?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for
|
|
them, I could have really injured myself!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Wow.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Anyway...they're real.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Excuse me?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I think they might be real.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, what do you know, you have no breast touching experience.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I've touched mine!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So have I.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, right...I forgot. <smiles><br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Alright, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I
|
|
must say they are...spectacular.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Aw, what are you doin' to me? <puts his head down on the counter.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George and Kramer at the airline ticket counter. Kramer is
|
|
pretending to be grief-stricken.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (to clerk): You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last
|
|
night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK (to Kramer): Oh, I'm very sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but...she
|
|
knew...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: You poor thing!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER <breaking into tears>: I...I...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there,
|
|
there...you sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: You're a good friend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I understand you offer a 50%-off 'bereavement' fare...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to
|
|
any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll
|
|
refund half your fare.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: The death certificate?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: Yes, yes, we do need documentation or you know, people could take
|
|
advantage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: I know! But it happens.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife
|
|
of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on
|
|
a flight?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: That would be $387 round-trip.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (in a perfectly normal tone of voice): Alright, so you'll need
|
|
my frequent flyer number, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK: Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Jerry and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute
|
|
you think they're real...I don't know what to believe!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched 'em.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: But you were just grabbing on to them to save your life. If you
|
|
were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell
|
|
me if it was an inflatable?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you were going to stop
|
|
seeing her!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality, but I gotta
|
|
draw the line somewhere.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Kramer enters.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey. George off to Detroit?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yep! And, in two days, I'm off to Puerto Rico.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hey Kramer, by the way, I saw that guy at the health club...that
|
|
is not Salman Rushdie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Pffft - wrong.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Kramer and Jerry at the health club. They see "Salman
|
|
Rushdie" talking to Sidra.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: There's Sidra.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: There's Salman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Where?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Talkin' to that woman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Talkin' to Sidra?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't think that's Salman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I don't think they're real.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: If that's Rushdie, they're real.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: If they're real, that's Rushdie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to Sidra.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I gotta know, I'm talkin' to Salman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Kramer and "Salman" sitting in the sauna together.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm...back at the
|
|
desert.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
"SALMAN": You've lived in the desert?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've uh...I've spent a little time in the Mideast.
|
|
You ever been to the Mideast?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
"SALMAN": Yes, I've been there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: My name's Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
"SALMAN" (shakes Kramer's hand): Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you,
|
|
Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: So, uh...what kind of work do you do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
"SALMAN": I'm a writer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George and Betsy at Aunt Clarice's wake in Detroit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BETSY (to Aunt May): Have you met my boyfriend George?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
AUNT MAY: No! <shakes George's hand.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BETSY: George, this is Aunt May, and Father Jessup. Oh, and that's my
|
|
brother, Timmy. <Timmy smiles thinly.> This is my boyfriend, George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
AUNT MAY: Oh George, how nice of you to come all this way.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, I'm the boyfriend. Otherwise, what's the point of being
|
|
the boyfriend? This is where you have to be when you're the boyfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
AUNT MAY: Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BETSY: I'm not very hungry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
AUNT MAY: They have some very nice snacks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FATHER JESSUP: I'm about to get myself a snack.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<Betsy starts to go for a snack.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no...you sit right here...I will get you a nice snack.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<George goes into the other room and meets Father Jessup.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FATHER JESSUP: This is my third wake this month. It never gets any easier.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (loading up his plate with sandwiches): Well, losing a loved is,
|
|
uh...I mean, forget about it. <Starts wolfing down the sandwiches.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
FATHER JESSUP: You seem to be of great comfort to Betsy, we're very appreciative.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh - comfort, schmomfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question?
|
|
In a terrible time like this...who would I get the death certificate from?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and Kramer entering Jerry's apartment after returning
|
|
from the health club.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: C'mon Jerry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, how can you be so sure?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal
|
|
Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with bass! He just substituted
|
|
one fish for another!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Look, you idiot, first of all, it's Salman, not salmon! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming
|
|
over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What, did you ask her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm gonna find out tonight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (nods): Oh, yes indeed...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to George at the wake in Detroit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DR. ALLENWOOD: Why do you need a death certificate?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, Dr, Allenwood, uh...I was hoping to compile an - admittedly,
|
|
rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have,
|
|
and hold onto.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DR. ALLENWOOD: Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, that would be wonderful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DR. ALLENWOOD: It was very nice meeting you, George.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Likewise.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<George walks over to the snack table as Timmy watches him from across
|
|
the room. He takes a chip from the bowl, dips it, takes a bite, and then
|
|
dips again. Timmy hurriedly comes over.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIMMY: What are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIMMY: Did...did you just double-dip that chip?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Excuse me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIMMY: You double-dipped the chip!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIMMY: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. <points at the dip>
|
|
And you dipped again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIMMY: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now
|
|
on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. <takes a
|
|
chip.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIMMY: Oh, you don't, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No. <dips the chip> You dip the way you want to dip...<bites
|
|
the chip> I'll dip the way I want to dip. <dips the chip again.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TIMMY: Gimme the chip! <Grabs George and the chip goes flying.>
|
|
Gimme the chip! <They struggle in front of the snack table.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Night-time; Jerry and Sidra in Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: I don't know what I'm doing here, I must be crazy. <Moves to
|
|
the couch and sits on the left side. Jerry tries to run over and beat
|
|
her to it, but doesn't make it. He sits down on the right side.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey, would you mind switching seats?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes
|
|
me feel like I'm driving.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: O.K....<they switch places.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: How ya doin'?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: Good. How you doin'?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Good, feel good...you know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts.
|
|
Really big, huge...just coming out the top of her dress, they were like,
|
|
chokin' her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: I hear that's how she died.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Have you noticed that women today are, you know, they seem...bigger.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: Well, a lot of women are having them done.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: How do you like that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Aw, you know people.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: It gets a little tiring, it's really none of their business.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, the nerve. You know, some people have asked me if you've uh,
|
|
done that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: What do you tell them?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Whatever you want me to tell them.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: Well, I think you'll find out soon enough. <They prepare to
|
|
kiss. There's a loud bang on the door.> Aren't you going to get that?
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: What if it's an emergency?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, there's no emergency...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (in hallway): Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Excuse me. <Gets up and answers the door.> Alright, what
|
|
is it? You're interrupting!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto Rico, I need to borrow
|
|
your bathing suit.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I like yours.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar, I don't
|
|
want your...your boys down there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: C'mon, what's wrong with my boys?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Alright, c'mon!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry up. <Kramer goes to get
|
|
the suit. Elaine enters.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi, Jer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, hi, Elaine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh...hi, Sidra - <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: Hi...Elaine? <Kramer comes back into the living room.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (to Elaine): What are you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I'm looking for Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when
|
|
I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh. yeah. Alright. <pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, then
|
|
sits next to Sidra on the couch.> So, where were we?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: I was just leaving.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Right, you were leaving.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That was an accident!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
SIDRA: I think you're both mentally ill. <leaves, then opens the door
|
|
again.> And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular. <Sidra
|
|
leaves.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to an exterior shot of the funeral home in Detroit. We hear the
|
|
commotion of George and Timmy fighting. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
BETSY: Stop it, George! Get out! Get out! I never want to see you again!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DR. ALLENWOOD: Go back to New York! Get out!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene of a disheveled George at the airport in Detroit, talking to
|
|
Clerk no. 2.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK 2: Alright sir, now all I need is a death certificate and you'll
|
|
be on your way.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, you see, what happened was...the doctor - the very same
|
|
doctor that was attending to my late aunt - suffered an untimely stroke,
|
|
and lost the use of his right hand, so...obviously I was unable to get
|
|
the death certificate. However, I do have this. <Reaches inside his
|
|
coat and takes out a Polaroid photo.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK 2: What's this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: That's a picture of me next to the coffin.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<We see a photo of George standing next to a coffin.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
CLERK 2: Nice try.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Not even close, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
End of episode.<br>
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<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<br>
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Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Oct. 28, 2002.<br>
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<br>
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Posted on The News Guy(Mike)'s page http://www.geocities.com/tnguym<br>
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<br>
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</p>
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<p
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align="center"> </p>
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<!-- content -->
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
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</script>
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</div>
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<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<ul>
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<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
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<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
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<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
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<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
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<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
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<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<!--
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
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<!-- text below generated by server. PLEASE REMOVE -->
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<script language="JavaScript">var PUpage="76001089"; var PUprop="geocities"; </script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.geocities.com/js_source/pu5geo.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.geocities.com/js_source/ygIELib9.js?v3"></script><script language="JavaScript">var yviContents='http://us.toto.geo.yahoo.com/toto?s=76001089&l=NE&b=1&t=1038053219';yviR='us';yfiEA(0);</script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mc/mc.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://domainpending.com/js_source/geov2.js"></script><script language="javascript">geovisit();</script><noscript></noscript> |