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<h1>The Kiss Hello</h1>
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Transcribed by: Mark Brockbank, Barrow-in-Furness </p>
<p>6.17 Episode Number: 103</p>
<p>Original Air Date: February 16, 199<br>
Written by: Larry David &amp; Jerry Seinfeld<br>
Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
<p>Recurring Cast:<br>
Liz Sheridan (Helen Seinfeld)<br>
Barney Martin (Morty Seinfeld)<br>
Len Lesser (Uncle Leo)</p>
<p>Guest Cast:<br>
Wendie Malick (Wendy)<br>
Billye Ree Wallace (Nana)<br>
Carol Leifer (Receptionist)<br>
Julio Oscar Mechoso (Julio)<br>
Rondi Reed (Mary)<br>
Gene Elman (Buddy)<br>
Mary Scheer (Joan)<br>
Louisa Abernathy (Nurse)<br>
Timothy McNeil (Jeff)<br>
Mark Fite (Jack)<br>
C.D. LaBove (Steve)<br>
Wendy Worthington (Louise)<br>
Belinda Barry (Stephanie)</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Nightclub]</p>
<p>Jerry's standup act.</p>
<p>JERRY: Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird
</p>
<p>Thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will
</p>
<p>actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of
those hairs </p>
<p>should somehow be able to get out of that skull, and go off on its own,
it is </p>
<p>now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter. The same
hair. </p>
<p>People freak out. (horrified) &quot;There was a hair, in the egg salad!&quot;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
<p>George sits on the couch with a newspaper, Jerry stands.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You </p>
<p>think they do the flamenco?</p>
<p>JERRY: I would think.</p>
<p>GEORGE: So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for
</p>
<p>Dinner and a flamenco?</p>
<p>JERRY: (scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here.</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah? Would you do it?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Yes, I think I would.</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the </p>
<p>dance of a very proud people.</p>
<p>The phone rings. Jerry answers.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hello. (listens) Oh, hi Nana. (listens) What? Oh. Oh, alright,
</p>
<p>okay. Don't worry about it. (listens) Okay, I'll see you later. Alright,
bye.</p>
<p>He hangs up the phone.</p>
<p>JERRY: I have to go over to my grandmother's.</p>
<p>GEORGE: What for?</p>
<p>JERRY: I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.</p>
<p>GEORGE: So, what, no lunch?</p>
<p>JERRY: No, we have time.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Oh. How's she doing?</p>
<p>George rises, and he and Jerry collect their jackets and make their way
</p>
<p>to the door.</p>
<p>JERRY: Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has </p>
<p>Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups.
</p>
<p>They</p>
<p>should make it in a tube.</p>
<p>JERRY: Like toothpaste?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Ya-hah.</p>
<p>Jerry and George leave.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Street]</p>
<p>Jerry and George stroll along, continuing their conversation.</p>
<p>JERRY: There's a squeeze ketchup.</p>
<p>GEORGE: I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup.</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason
</p>
<p>that they make squeeze ketchup?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.</p>
<p>JERRY: I really don't see the difference.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.</p>
<p>JERRY: It's subtle.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us?</p>
<p>JERRY: (looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh.</p>
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
<p>They stop walking.</p>
<p>JERRY: Ah, she's with her friend Wendy.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Really?</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did
</p>
<p>it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her
because </p>
<p>of it.</p>
<p>Jerry smiles and waves to Elaine, who is approaching with Wendy. Elaine
</p>
<p>Waves back.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (from a distance) Hey.</p>
<p>GEORGE: You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia.</p>
<p>JERRY: Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for </p>
<p>anything.</p>
<p>JERRY: No, I told you I admire your hearing.</p>
<p>George waves away the compliment.</p>
<p>JERRY: No, don't slough that off, you have great hearing.</p>
<p>Jerry and George walk and meet Elaine and Wendy. Wendy greets Jerry </p>
<p>with a kiss on the cheek, which he's not happy about. Wendy is attractive,
but has </p>
<p>a real old-fashioned fifties-style hairdo.</p>
<p>GEORGE/JERRY/ELAINE/WENDY: Hey/Hi/Hello (etc.)</p>
<p>ELAINE: (to Wendy) Wendy, George. (to George) Wendy.</p>
<p>Wendy and George shake hands.</p>
<p>GEORGE: You're uh, physical therapist, right?</p>
<p>WENDY: Yes.</p>
<p>GEORGE: You know, I got this little swelling right here. (rolls up his
</p>
<p>sleeve to expose his wrist) It's kinda painful. What d'you make of it?</p>
<p>Wendy takes a brief glance at George's proffered limb. Elaine isn't </p>
<p>happy that George is bothering Wendy.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (warning) George.</p>
<p>WENDY: Have you tried heat and ice on it?</p>
<p>GEORGE: (reluctant) Oh that uh, that seems like a lotta trouble.</p>
<p>WENDY: Well, you could come by my office later, I could work on it for
</p>
<p>you a little.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (happy) Oh! Okay.</p>
<p>WENDY: Let me give you my card.</p>
<p>Wendy fishes in her bag and hands a card to George.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Oh, thank you.</p>
<p>WENDY: Well, I'll see you guys later. (to George) Nice meeting you. Bye
</p>
<p>Elaine.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Bye Wendy. I'm sorry.</p>
<p>WENDY: Bye Jerry.</p>
<p>Wendy walks away down the street.</p>
<p>JERRY: Bye.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (slapping George on the arm) What did you do that for?</p>
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
<p>ELAINE: (pinching George's arm) Ask about your arm.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Monk's]</p>
<p>George, Jerry and Elaine enter.</p>
<p>GEORGE: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.</p>
<p>ELAINE: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal
</p>
<p>with that outside of the office.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Why not?</p>
<p>The trio sit down in a booth.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Because, it is what she does.</p>
<p>GEORGE: I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. (getting </p>
<p>excited) They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate
genius </p>
<p>Unless it's in the confines of an office. (worked up) When huge sums
of money </p>
<p>are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!</p>
<p>ELAINE: George, you got a little something, right here.</p>
<p>Elaine indicates underneath George's nostrils.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so </p>
<p>important...</p>
<p>JERRY: (adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my
</p>
<p>last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Why?</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I </p>
<p>don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking
either, but </p>
<p>one step at a time.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (regarding the menu) What're you getting?</p>
<p>JERRY: (to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.</p>
<p>JERRY: She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
</p>
<p>Should say something to her.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh, I could never say anything to her about that.</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like </p>
<p>that.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Yeah. Hah.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Well, just tell Kramer to tell her.</p>
<p>ELAINE: No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it.</p>
<p>JERRY: What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come
</p>
<p>out with it.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (sharp intake of breath) Hoh. Yes, yes, you're right. That's
</p>
<p>right. I'll bring her over to meet...</p>
<p>Kramer enters.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (to Kramer) ...Kramer.</p>
<p>Kramer strolls over to the table.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hello, boys and girls.</p>
<p>JERRY: Speak of the devil.</p>
<p>Kramer sits at the table. Elaine starts to peruse her menu, as Kramer
</p>
<p>speaks to Jerry.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy.</p>
<p>JERRY: What for?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby
</p>
<p>of our building.</p>
<p>JERRY: Why?</p>
<p>KRAMER: So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna
</p>
<p>be a lot friendlier.</p>
<p>JERRY: (reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the </p>
<p>lobby.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say &quot;Hey,
</p>
<p>Carl!&quot; and he</p>
<p>says &quot;Hey, Jerry!&quot; You see, that's the kind of society I wanna
live in.</p>
<p>JERRY: (still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with </p>
<p>everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on
my way.</p>
<p>KRAMER: (to Elaine) You know your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do
</p>
<p>you wear so much eye makeup?</p>
<p>ELAINE: (to Jerry, indicating Kramer) Yeah. This is gonna work out just
</p>
<p>fine.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Nana's Apartment]</p>
<p>Leo is in the living room, speaking with Nana, who's in another room.</p>
<p>LEO: Ma! Again with the ketchup? Don't they have 'em in the plastic </p>
<p>Squeeze containers?</p>
<p>There is a knock at the door. Leo opens it, to reveal Jerry.</p>
<p>LEO: (traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello!</p>
<p>JERRY: Hello, uncle Leo!</p>
<p>LEO: What're you doing here?</p>
<p>JERRY: Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle.</p>
<p>LEO: Yeah, me too.</p>
<p>Nana enters with a bottle of ketchup.</p>
<p>NANA: Hello Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hi Nana.</p>
<p>There's a brief pause, as Leo waits for something.</p>
<p>LEO: Aren't you gonna kiss her hello?</p>
<p>JERRY: Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.</p>
<p>NANA: Ha, well, here's the bottle.</p>
<p>Nana holds out the ketchup.</p>
<p>LEO: (grabbing the bottle) I'll do it.</p>
<p>JERRY: (also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it.</p>
<p>Jerry and Leo begin to struggle for possession of the ketchup.</p>
<p>LEO: Give it to me.</p>
<p>JERRY: Will you stop it.</p>
<p>LEO: Jerry, will you give me the bottle?</p>
<p>JERRY: Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it!</p>
<p>NANA: You should let Buddy open it.</p>
<p>LEO: Buddy? He lived next door to us forty-five years ago.</p>
<p>Leo hands the ketchup back to Nana.</p>
<p>NANA: Leo, did you give Helen the fifty dollars?</p>
<p>LEO: What fifty dollars?</p>
<p>NANA: Your father won a thousand dollars at the track last week, and
he </p>
<p>gave you a hundred, and you were supposed to give fifty dollars to your
sister.</p>
<p>Nana walks away out of the room again.</p>
<p>LEO: Ma, dad died in nineteen-sixty-two.</p>
<p>Jerry is staring at Leo, with an expression of suspicion.</p>
<p>LEO: (laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe me. I don't owe your </p>
<p>mother fifty dollars.</p>
<p>Leo continues to force out laughter, and Jerry continues his look of
</p>
<p>mistrust.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Lobby, Jerry's Building]</p>
<p>Elaine and Jerry wait by the elevator. Jerry is speaking to the </p>
<p>building super.</p>
<p>JERRY: I'm just not getting any hot water.</p>
<p>JULIO: Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing worse than when your </p>
<p>shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can, Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY: Thanks, Julio.</p>
<p>JULIO: Awright.</p>
<p>Julio walks away as the elevator arrives. Jerry and Elaine step aboard.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
<p>Kramer is rooting through a drawer, searching for something. The door
</p>
<p>opens and Jerry and Elaine enter.</p>
<p>JERRY: Huh?</p>
<p>KRAMER: (surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!</p>
<p>JERRY: What's going on here?</p>
<p>KRAMER: (evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.</p>
<p>JERRY: (suspicious) Well, then what're you doing?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I, I need a pen.</p>
<p>JERRY: What for?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough
</p>
<p>for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.</p>
<p>JERRY: (accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you?</p>
<p>KRAMER: You got that straight.</p>
<p>JERRY: I told you, forget it.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't
</p>
<p>have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody,
if </p>
<p>you know their name!</p>
<p>JERRY: You're robbing me.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Well, I'm gonna get your picture, and you're gonna participate
</p>
<p>in my program.</p>
<p>Kramer heads out the door, but Elaine intercepts him.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Wha... W.. Are you going home?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Uh, could you come back in about five minutes?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Why?</p>
<p>ELAINE: No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again.</p>
<p>Kramer smiles at this. He exits, but turns to flash the smile at Elaine
</p>
<p>as he crosses the hall to his apartment. After Kramer goes into his place,
</p>
<p>Elaine shuts the door of Jerry's apartment.</p>
<p>JERRY: (removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, she'll be here any second.</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer
</p>
<p>Says something. You sure you wanna go through with this?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her
</p>
<p>hair.</p>
<p>The phone rings, and Jerry picks up. Elaine removes her coat.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to </p>
<p>help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question.
Do you </p>
<p>remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars
at the </p>
<p>track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars,
and </p>
<p>he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana
</p>
<p>doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens)
Well, I </p>
<p>think you should. Okay, bye.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[The Seinfeld's Place, Florida]</p>
<p>Morty and Helen in the kitchen. Morty has a pencil and pad and a pocket</p>
<p>calculator out, doing some work.</p>
<p>MORTY: Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to </p>
<p>Over fifty-three years?</p>
<p>HELEN: Oh, Morty, please.</p>
<p>MORTY: Six hundred and sixty-three dollars and forty-five cents. And
</p>
<p>that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over fifty-three
</p>
<p>years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a ten-year T-bill...</p>
<p>HELEN: Morty, will you stop it!</p>
<p>MORTY: (determined) Well, he's not getting away with this!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
<p>Jerry by the kitchen. The buzzer sounds, and Jerry answers.</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah?</p>
<p>WENDY (O.C.): Wendy.</p>
<p>JERRY: Come on up.</p>
<p>Elaine enters from the bathroom.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?</p>
<p>JERRY: No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first </p>
<p>opportunity to not kiss her hello.</p>
<p>ELAINE: What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's </p>
<p>face?</p>
<p>JERRY: It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in,
</p>
<p>you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast
as part </p>
<p>of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little
better.</p>
<p>ELAINE: How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be?</p>
<p>JERRY: Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.</p>
<p>There's a knock at the door.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (indicating) That's her. That's her.</p>
<p>Jerry holds up his hands, indicating he wants a few seconds to prepare.
</p>
<p>He goes to the refrigerator, and indicates Elaine should let Wendy inside.
</p>
<p>Elaine opens the door and Wendy enters.</p>
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
<p>ELAINE/WENDY: Hi/Hey.</p>
<p>Jerry has the door of the fridge open, and his head is inside the </p>
<p>appliance.</p>
<p>JERRY: (muffled) Hi Wendy.</p>
<p>WENDY: Oh, hi Jerry.</p>
<p>Wendy wanders over to the fridge.</p>
<p>JERRY: (muffled) Would you like something to drink?</p>
<p>WENDY: Sure.</p>
<p>Jerry holds out his arm, with a bottle in his hand.</p>
<p>JERRY: (muffled) There you go.</p>
<p>WENDY: (taking the bottle) Ah.</p>
<p>Jerry starts to withdraw his head from the fridge, and Wendy is poised
</p>
<p>for the kiss hello. But, just as he turns to face her, he opens the freezer
</p>
<p>compartment and the door blocks her approach. Wendy walks away to the
couch.</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars.</p>
<p>Jerry peers around the edge of the door, to see if the coast is clear.
</p>
<p>Finding</p>
<p>that it is, he closes the various doors of the fridge.</p>
<p>JERRY: So, how's everything going?</p>
<p>WENDY: Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came by the office the other
</p>
<p>day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me.</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist.</p>
<p>There is a clunk in the hallway, as of Kramer's door opening.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh, you hear that? That must be Kramer.</p>
<p>Jerry's door opens and Kramer enters. He's holding a polaroid camera.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hey! Jerry!</p>
<p>Jerry turns at the call of his name, and Kramer fires off a quick shot.</p>
<p>JERRY: C'mon, that's not fair!</p>
<p>KRAMER: I told you I was gonna get it.</p>
<p>JERRY: No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture.</p>
<p>KRAMER: (holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no.</p>
<p>JERRY: (throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do
</p>
<p>I care?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Uh, Kramer. Kramer, I'd like you to meet my friend Wendy.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hello.</p>
<p>WENDY: (holds out her hand) Hi.</p>
<p>KRAMER: (shaking hands) Yeah.</p>
<p>Kramer does looks at Wendy, and something intrigues him. He turns away,
</p>
<p>Then back again, unable to take his eyes off her hair.</p>
<p>KRAMER: (points) You know, I really like that hairdo.</p>
<p>Jerry and Elaine both look surprised and let-down by Kramer.</p>
<p>WENDY: (flattered) Oh. Thank you. I actually was thinking it might be
</p>
<p>time for a change.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (hopeful) Oh, you were?</p>
<p>WENDY: Well, I...</p>
<p>KRAMER: (interrupting) Oh, no no no. You don't wanna do that. No no.
</p>
<p>Nobody wears it like that.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Kramer, if she wants to change her hair...</p>
<p>KRAMER: No, no. you'd be a damn fool to change it. It's very becoming.</p>
<p>WENDY: Oh, well.</p>
<p>Kramer raises his camera to take a picture of Wendy and her hair.</p>
<p>WENDY: (laughs, flattered) Oh, ho.</p>
<p>Kramer presses the button and nothing happens. He turns the camera up,
</p>
<p>to look at the front of it and it chooses to fire at that moment, dazzling
</p>
<p>Kramer with the flash.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Wendy's Car]</p>
<p>Wendy drives, Elaine in the passenger seat.</p>
<p>WENDY: So, who's that friend of yours? That guy that came in.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh, Kramer.</p>
<p>WENDY: Yeah. Does he have a girlfriend?</p>
<p>ELAINE: You wanna go out with him?</p>
<p>WENDY: Well, why not?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well, it's just that... uh, I don't...</p>
<p>WENDY: What, is there anything wrong with him?</p>
<p>Elaine stares off for several seconds, with a faraway look in her eyes.</p>
<p>WENDY: Elaine?</p>
<p>ELAINE: I'm just thinking about the question.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[ProFitness Physical Therapy Center]</p>
<p>George is at the counter with his cheque book. He's moving his wrist
and </p>
<p>Lower arm, clearly much more comfortable.</p>
<p>GEORGE: You know, my arm feels a lot better. That Wendy really knows
</p>
<p>her stuff. (he writes out a cheque)</p>
<p>RECEPTIONIST: (perky) She is super. Same time tomorrow.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (tearing out cheque) Yeah, same time. (hands over cheque) There
</p>
<p>you go.</p>
<p>George heads for the door. The <a href="http://digicoll.library.wisc.edu/cgi-bin/WI/WI-idx?type=div&amp;did=WI.ShePhoenix.i0006&amp;isize=M">receptionist</a> looks at George's cheque </p>
<p>and finds it's not up to scratch.</p>
<p>RECEPTIONIST: Oh. Ah, you owe a hundred and fifty.</p>
<p>GEORGE: What for?</p>
<p>RECEPTIONIST: Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is </p>
<p>&quot;twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations&quot;.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (agitated) Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my </p>
<p>mother to, to the chiropodist.</p>
<p>Wendy enters, carrying a file. She overhears.</p>
<p>WENDY: What's the problem?</p>
<p>GEORGE: (harassed) Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's</p>
<p>appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.</p>
<p>WENDY: Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy.</p>
<p>Wendy walks out, into another room.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (after Wendy and to the receptionist) Oh, you have a policy!
</p>
<p>(to the world at large) The delicate genius has a policy!</p>
<p>George heads for the door.</p>
<p>RECEPTIONIST: So. Will you be here tomorrow?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to!</p>
<p>George leaves, slamming the door behind him.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Lobby, Jerry's Building]</p>
<p>Kramer has covered one wall of the lobby with photographs of the </p>
<p>tenants. They're all labeled with the appropriate name in magic marker.
Kramer </p>
<p>is just completing Jerry's name underneath the Polaroid he took earlier.
Jerry </p>
<p>and Elaine enter from the street.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it?</p>
<p>Elaine seems generally positive, Jerry's not so enamoured, especially
</p>
<p>by his own picture.</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible...</p>
<p>The Polaroid has caught Jerry with his mouth hanging open and his eyes
</p>
<p>wide. It's not flattering in the slightest.</p>
<p>JERRY: ...You can't put that picture up.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Well, it's not a beauty contest. It's just a way for people to
</p>
<p>get to</p>
<p>know one another.</p>
<p>The elevator opens and a guy (Steve) steps out. He points to Kramer.</p>
<p>STEVE: Hey Cosmo.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hey...</p>
<p>Kramer turns to the wall of pictures, searches around for the face and
</p>
<p>then</p>
<p>points back. Steve makes his way to the door as Kramer speaks.</p>
<p>KRAMER: ...Steve. (to Jerry) Ah, you see?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Hey Kramer, my friend Wendy wants to go out with you.</p>
<p>KRAMER: (interested) Well, how do you do?</p>
<p>A woman (Mary) has entered from the street. She stands behind Jerry and
</p>
<p>Looks through Kramer's gallery of tenants.</p>
<p>MARY: Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary.</p>
<p>MARY: You know, I've seen you so many times and now we can finally talk
</p>
<p>to each other.</p>
<p>KRAMER: (keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice?</p>
<p>JERRY: (not really) Yeah.</p>
<p>MARY: Jerry. You know, could you help me with a package?</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, sure, yeah.</p>
<p>MARY: Thank you.</p>
<p>Mary leans across and gives Jerry a quick kiss on the cheek, then makes
</p>
<p>her way toward the door. Elaine is giggling gleefully at Jerry's discomfiture.</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, no!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
<p>Jerry and Elaine enter. Jerry mad, and Elaine still giggling.</p>
<p>JERRY: You see? That's just what I need. More kissing!</p>
<p>ELAINE: (laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...</p>
<p>JERRY: What is so funny?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)</p>
<p>The phone rings and Jerry picks up.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He </p>
<p>couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye.</p>
<p>Jerry hangs up the phone, and turns to Elaine.</p>
<p>JERRY: (aghast) Uncle Leo put Nana in a home!</p>
<p>ELAINE: Why?</p>
<p>JERRY: (suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Lobby, Jerry's Building]</p>
<p>Jerry is collecting his mail from his mailbox. A woman (Joan) enters
</p>
<p>And immediately goes for the kiss hello. She's friendly and overfamiliar.</p>
<p>JOAN: Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah.</p>
<p>JERRY: (not as eager) Hi Joan.</p>
<p>JOAN: How you doing?</p>
<p>Jerry backs away toward the elevator.</p>
<p>JERRY: Pretty good.</p>
<p>JOAN: Just pretty good? Not great?</p>
<p>JERRY: Okay, great.</p>
<p>JOAN: Are you happy?</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, I'm delighted.</p>
<p>JOAN: Okay. Have a nice day.</p>
<p>JERRY: You too.</p>
<p>The elevator comes down, the door opens and another woman (Louise) </p>
<p>emerges, with a big friendly smile for Jerry.</p>
<p>LOUISE: Hi Jerry.</p>
<p>Louise also kisses the less than happy looking Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hi, Louise.</p>
<p>Louise walks on and the unhappy Jerry enters the elevator.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Jerry's Apartment]</p>
<p>Jerry has just arrived with his mail. The door opens and Kramer darts
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</p>
<p>into the room.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
<p>JERRY: Ah, well. Thank you very much!</p>
<p>KRAMER: For what?</p>
<p>JERRY: (agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like </p>
<p>Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this
long, </p>
<p>boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!</p>
<p>KRAMER: You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world
of</p>
<p>loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.</p>
<p>JERRY: Family?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
<p>JERRY: You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle
</p>
<p>Pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in</p>
<p>nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut
</p>
<p>her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna
be </p>
<p>called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't
care what </p>
<p>the consequences are.</p>
<p>As Jerry reaches the end of his emphatic declaration, Kramer takes </p>
<p>Jerry's head in his hands, leans in and plants a big kiss right on Jerry's
lips. </p>
<p>Halfway through the kiss, the door opens and George half-enters. Kramer
</p>
<p>releases Jerry, who stands bug-eyed with shock. George stands silently
in the doorway, </p>
<p>he looks from Jerry to Kramer, with a thoughtful expression. Biting his
lips, </p>
<p>George slowly backs out of the door and closes it behind him.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre]</p>
<p>George enters, and the receptionist spots him.</p>
<p>RECEPTIONIST: Oh, hi. Mister Costanza, we were trying to get in touch
</p>
<p>with you. Wendy can't make her appointment.</p>
<p>GEORGE: What d'you mean?</p>
<p>RECEPTIONIST: She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left
</p>
<p>A message on your machine. You didn't get it?</p>
<p>GEORGE: When did you leave the message?</p>
<p>RECEPTIONIST: Few hours ago.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (pointedly) Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice
</p>
<p>for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars.</p>
<p>RECEPTIONIST: Look, Mister Costanza...</p>
<p>GEORGE: Will that be cash, or cheque?</p>
<p>George gives an exaggerated wink.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Wendy's Car]</p>
<p>Wendy driving into New York at night with Elaine as passenger. Elaine
</p>
<p>is wearing much of her ski gear - woolly hat, with goggles on top of
her head, and </p>
<p>there are ski poles on the back seat.</p>
<p>WENDY: I am really glad I took the day off.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh, yeah, there's nothing better than skiing.</p>
<p>WENDY: Yeah. I hope my clients weren't too upset.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Ugh, the hell with 'em.</p>
<p>Wendy and Elaine share a laugh. Wendy then starts to pull the car over
</p>
<p>to the side of the road.</p>
<p>ELAINE: What're you stopping here for?</p>
<p>WENDY: I'm dropping you off.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (pointing) Oh, no, I'm three more blocks.</p>
<p>WENDY: Yeah, but if I take you to your door, then I have to go all the
</p>
<p>Way around Central Park West, back to Columbus, you know it's all one
</p>
<p>way...</p>
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, but it's only three blocks.</p>
<p>WENDY: Right. It's only three blocks.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (unbuckling her seatbelt) Alright, well...</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Street]</p>
<p>Elaine struggles along the sidewalk at night with her ski gear in her
</p>
<p>arms. She's not finding it easy fighting with the uncomfortable bulk
of skis, </p>
<p>poles, boots, etc.. Eventually she drops the boots and, rather than pick
them </p>
<p>up, simply kicks them along in front of her.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Street]</p>
<p>Jerry and Elaine walk together.</p>
<p>ELAINE: She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a </p>
<p>sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't
that strange?</p>
<p>JERRY: Yes, it's very strange. Very strange.</p>
<p>ELAINE: I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as
</p>
<p>if I was hitch-hiking and she says &quot;Well, this is as far as I can
take you.&quot;</p>
<p>JERRY: I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car
</p>
<p>With someone with a hairdo like that.</p>
<p>ELAINE: I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I
</p>
<p>pinched a nerve in my shoulder.</p>
<p>JERRY: You should have her work on it for you.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, alright, I gotta go.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Lobby, Jerry's Building]</p>
<p>Jerry enters his building. Mary spots him from across the lobby and </p>
<p>closes for a kiss hello.</p>
<p>MAR: Hi Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hi Mary.</p>
<p>Jerry backs away from the kiss with so much effort that he's up against
</p>
<p>The mailboxes.</p>
<p>JERRY: Uh, listen. I decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. </p>
<p>It's nothing personal....</p>
<p>Mary looks upset by Jerry's outburst.</p>
<p>JERRY: ...It just makes me a little uncomfortable and I can't do it.
</p>
<p>I'm sorry.</p>
<p>The door to the street opens and Louise enters, also friendly and </p>
<p>aiming for the kiss hello.</p>
<p>LOU: Hi Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hi Louise...</p>
<p>Jerry backs sharply away from Louise as she leans in for the kiss.</p>
<p>JERRY: ...I was just telling Mary how I'm not gonna be doing the kiss
</p>
<p>Hello thing anymore. (continues backing away) I'm sorry. I just can't
do it. </p>
<p>It's nothing personal, it's just I'm not really able to do it and uh,
I'm </p>
<p>sorry.</p>
<p>Jerry backs into the elevator.</p>
<p>JERRY: (as the elevator doors close) Thank you for your cooperation.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Jerry's Apartment/The Seinfeld's Place, Florida]</p>
<p>Jerry answers the phone.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hello.</p>
<p>HELEN (V.O): Jerry?</p>
<p>JERRY: Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you?</p>
<p>In Florida, Helen is on the phone and Morty is still working out </p>
<p>figures with a pad and a calculator.</p>
<p>HELEN: Well, he said no. He said we had no proof.</p>
<p>MORTY: No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll
</p>
<p>slip up.</p>
<p>HELEN: Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home.</p>
<p>JERRY: Okay, I will.</p>
<p>MORTY: D'you realise, an above-average performing growth mutual fund
</p>
<p>For fifty-three years...</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Hall Outside Jerry's Apartment]</p>
<p>Jerry and Kramer emerge from their apartments.</p>
<p>KRAMER: What's up?</p>
<p>JERRY: (locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing
</p>
<p>home.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh.</p>
<p>They walk together down the hall.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Lobby, Jerry's Building]</p>
<p>The elevator doors open and Jerry and Kramer come out. Something on the
</p>
<p>Wall opposite catches Jerry's eye.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hey, Kramer, look at this.</p>
<p>Jerry points and walks over to Kramer's gallery, Kramer following.</p>
<p>JERRY: Look at my picture!</p>
<p>The photograph has been crudely vandalised with a magic marker. </p>
<p>'Grade-A Dork' has been written on the forehead, whiskers, spots, horns
and a wormlike </p>
<p>tongue added and teeth blacked out.</p>
<p>JERRY: I've been defaced!</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hey, don't you worry buddy. I made double prints.</p>
<p>Behind Kramer a guy (Jack) has entered the building. Jack walks up </p>
<p>behind Kramer and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly fashion.</p>
<p>JACK: Hey. Hi Cosmo.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?</p>
<p>JERRY: Hi Jack.</p>
<p>Jack gives Jerry an unfriendly look and walks to the elevator without
</p>
<p>replying. Julio comes out of the elevator, and Jerry walks over to ask
him </p>
<p>something.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hey, Julio. I was wondering, could you get to that shower today,
</p>
<p>You think?</p>
<p>JULIO: Oh, I see. When you need something done, you're very friendly
to </p>
<p>people, huh?</p>
<p>JERRY: (defensive) No no, that's not true!</p>
<p>JULIO: (accusing) Well, I think it is! It's a big building, Seinfeld,
</p>
<p>maybe I'll get to it someday. After I take care of the people who're
civil to each </p>
<p>other.</p>
<p>Julio stalks away. Jerry swings to give Kramer a look.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Knollridge Nursing Home]</p>
<p>Jerry is talking with a nurse on the porch.</p>
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
<p>NURSE: Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards.</p>
<p>JERRY: You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here,
</p>
<p>Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars.</p>
<p>NURSE: Well, she seems very happy. She met an old friend who used to
</p>
<p>live next door to her.</p>
<p>JERRY: Buddy?</p>
<p>NURSE: Yes, that's his name. He's right over there.</p>
<p>The nurse indicates an elderly guy with a white moustache, wearing a
</p>
<p>cap and reading a newspaper on a bench outside.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[ProFitness Physical Therapy Centre, a typical doctor's <a href="http://www.rotorualibrary.govt.nz/teenzone/studyzone/Pages/default.aspx">office</a> with magazines, reception <a href="https://www.fbo.gov/index?s=opportunity&amp;mode=form&amp;id=2d842662341bcd6973c1a454a7c6becc&amp;tab=core&amp;_cview=1">chairs</a>,  light walls.  Please note, you can see nothing <a href="http://www.beyondtheofficedoor.com/reception-room-chairs.php">Beyond The Office Door</a>, or into the actual examination room]</p>
<p>George is talking with Wendy at the counter.</p>
<p>WENDY: (smiling) I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some </p>
<p>personal</p>
<p>business that day.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (irascible) Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine.
</p>
<p>Is that it? You're a delicate genius!</p>
<p>Behind George, Elaine has slipped in the door.</p>
<p>WENDY: A delicate genius?</p>
<p>George spots Elaine.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Elaine?</p>
<p>ELAINE: (surprised) George!</p>
<p>George stalks past Elaine and exits.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (leaving) Hah. Good luck.</p>
<p>WENDY: What's going on?</p>
<p>ELAINE: (feeling her arm) Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when
</p>
<p>You dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles
</p>
<p>and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my
arm. </p>
<p>Do you think you could give me some treatment?</p>
<p>WENDY: Oh sure. You have insurance, right?</p>
<p>ELAINE: (shocked) Insurance? You're charging me?</p>
<p>Behind Elaine, George is standing in the open door</p>
<p>GEORGE: Wednesday? That's your personal business?! (stalks over to the
</p>
<p>counter) Skiing?! (angry) So let people suffer, while you're shushing
all over a</p>
<p>mountain?</p>
<p>WENDY: How did you hear that?</p>
<p>GEORGE: I hear everything.</p>
<p>WENDY: I mean, why don't you two just take your business elsewhere, </p>
<p>hmm?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh, huh huh, that is a good idea. C'mon George.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. Let's go.</p>
<p>Elaine and George, united, head for the door. AS they get there, Elaine
</p>
<p>turns to deliver her parting shot.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (pointedly) And you know, you might wanna do something about
</p>
<p>that hair.</p>
<p>WENDY: Why, what's wrong with my hair?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Huh, I think it's a little old-fashioned. Don't you? (to </p>
<p>receptionist) Uh, tell her.</p>
<p>RECEPTIONIST: She's right.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Nursing Home]</p>
<p>Jerry and Buddy sit on the bench, reminiscing.</p>
<p>JERRY: So you were with him that day at the track?</p>
<p>BUDDY: Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. His son was there too.</p>
<p>JERRY: Leo?</p>
<p>BUDDY: Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used
</p>
<p>to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh?</p>
<p>JERRY: Is that so?</p>
<p>BUDDY: And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him
a </p>
<p>Hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His sister?
Why I </p>
<p>tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took!</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, that's very interesting.</p>
<p>Just then, uncle Leo strolls up the path to the nursing home. Jerry </p>
<p>spots his arrival.</p>
<p>JERRY: (standing) Uncle Leo! I just met an old acquaintance of yours.
</p>
<p>(indicates Buddy) You remember Buddy. He just told me quite a story about
you and </p>
<p>Grandpa at the track.</p>
<p>Leo's caught out, and looks worried.</p>
<p>LEO: (defensive) One second...</p>
<p>JERRY: (with a triumphant point) You're busted!</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Lobby, Jerry's Building]</p>
<p>Jerry enters from the street. Steve is in the lobby, collecting his </p>
<p>mail. Jerry decides to be friendly.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hey, Steve. How you doing?</p>
<p>Steve turns to Jerry, gives him a disdainful look, and turns away </p>
<p>again. Another guy (Jeff) approaches from within the building. Jerry
tries the </p>
<p>friendly approach again.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hey, Jeff. What's happening?</p>
<p>Jeff completely blanks Jerry and goes to get his mail. Jerry spots Mary
</p>
<p>over by Kramer's gallery wall, and walks across to her.</p>
<p>JERRY: Mary! Oh, Mary! Give us a kiss.</p>
<p>Mary moves to avoid Jerry.</p>
<p>JERRY: Don't be like that, Mary. C'mon, I made a mistake!</p>
<p>MARY: (contemptuous) Look, why don't you do everybody a favour, and </p>
<p>just get out of this building? (angry) Nobody wants you here. Nobody!</p>
<p>Jerry looks downcast. Mary walks over to the mailboxes, where she </p>
<p>greets Jeff and Steve.</p>
<p>JEFF: Hi Mary.</p>
<p>MARY: Hi Jeff. How are you?</p>
<p>Mary and Jeff kiss hello.</p>
<p>MARY: Hi Pete. How you doing?</p>
<p>Mary and Pete kiss hello.</p>
<p>PETE: Hey, let's go get some coffee.</p>
<p>JEFF: Great idea.</p>
<p>MARY: Oh, that'd be great.</p>
<p>The three of them exit together chatting happily, watched by a rueful
</p>
<p>Jerry. Jerry looks at his photo on the wall and adjusts it so it's straight.
</p>
<p>Then Jerry notices the elevator is about to go up, so he asks a favour
of the </p>
<p>occupant as</p>
<p>he crosses the lobby.</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, Paul, could you hold that door...</p>
<p>But Paul makes no move to hold the door, which shuts in Jerry's face.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>[Hall Outside Kramer's Apartment]</p>
<p>Jerry, wearing a bathrobe and with a towel round his neck, knocks at
</p>
<p>Kramer's door. Kramer takes a quick peek through the peephole, then opens
the </p>
<p>door.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hi.</p>
<p>JERRY: Hey. Could I use your shower?</p>
<p>KRAMER: What, again? You took one this morning.</p>
<p>JERRY: (pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please.</p>
<p>KRAMER: I know but I... (waves toward the interior of his apartment)
</p>
<p>Little problem.</p>
<p>KRAMER: (leaning to look round Kramer) Wendy here?</p>
<p>KRAMER: No no no. She changed her hairstyle, (pulls a face) it's </p>
<p>terrible. No,</p>
<p>we're done.</p>
<p>A happy looking guy pushes his way past Kramer and out of the </p>
<p>apartment.</p>
<p>GUY: I'll go get some more beer.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah, yeah, great. (calling after the guy) And get some of
</p>
<p>those blue corn chips.</p>
<p>An attractive redheaded woman comes along the hallway. Kramer greets
</p>
<p>Her approach.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
<p>STEFANIE: Hi Cosmo.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hi.</p>
<p>STEFANIE: (kisses Kramer hello) Mmmwah.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Ooh, I like that.</p>
<p>JERRY: (impressed) Who's that?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Stefanie. 2-G.</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here.</p>
<p>Jerry tries to see around Kramer into his apartment.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you
</p>
<p>know.</p>
<p>JERRY: (rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand.</p>
<p>Kramer closes the door, and Jerry can be seen peering through the </p>
<p>narrowing gap until it shuts.</p>
<p>[END]</p>
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