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<h1>The Letter</h1>
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Episode 37 - First Aired on 3/25/92</p>
<p>Cast</p>
<p>JERRY SEINFELD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jerry
Seinfeld</p>
<p>ELAINE BENES . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Julia Louis-Dreyfus</p>
<p>COSMO KRAMER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael
Richards</p>
<p>GEORGE COSTANZA. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jason
Alexander</p>
<p>MR. LIPPMAN. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Richard
Fancy</p>
<p>NINA WEST. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Catherine
Keener</p>
<p>LEONARD WEST . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Richard
Venture</p>
<p>MR. ARMSTRONG. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
.Elliot Reid</p>
<p>MRS. ARMSTRONG . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Justine
Johnston</p>
<p>USHER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Shashawnee
Hall</p>
<p>Crew</p>
<p>WRITER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
.Larry David</p>
<p>DIRECTOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Tom Cherones</p>
<p>PRODUCER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jerry
Seinfeld</p>
<p>CO-PRODUCER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Elaine Pope</p>
<p>STORY EDITOR . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
.Tom Leopold</p>
<p>PROGRAM CONSULTANT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Peter
Mehlman</p>
<p>LINE PRODUCER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joan
Van Horn</p>
<p>ASSISTANT PRODUCER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. Tim Kaiser</p>
<p>=============================================================================</p>
<p>ACT 1</p>
<p>(Nina&#146;s art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry&#146;s
current girlfriend.)</p>
<p>NINA: (laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? I can&#146;t do
this if you keep</p>
<p>moving.</p>
<p>KRAMER: You sure you don&#146;t want me to take my clothes off?
(beat) I&#146;ll do it!</p>
<p>NINA: No, that&#146;s the last thing in the world I want you to
do.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Well, why don&#146;t you take your clothes off?</p>
<p>NINA: I don&#146;t know... I don&#146;t think Jerry would like
that.</p>
<p>KRAMER: (debonair smile) Well, it&#146;d be our little secret.</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Jerry&#146;s apartment)</p>
<p>GEORGE: (bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button
fly!</p>
<p>Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these</p>
<p>things open!</p>
<p>JERRY: I like the button fly.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (incredulous) What?</p>
<p>JERRY: That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking</p>
<p>metal teeth. It&#146;s like a mink trap down there. (beat) What
are you</p>
<p>doing today?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Nothing.</p>
<p>JERRY: I have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check
out her</p>
<p>paintings?</p>
<p>GEORGE: I don&#146;t get art.</p>
<p>JERRY: There&#146;s nothing to get.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Well, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have
to have</p>
<p>someone explain the explanation.</p>
<p>JERRY: She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting
Kramer</p>
<p>right now.</p>
<p>GEORGE: What for?</p>
<p>JERRY: She sees something in him.</p>
<p>GEORGE: So do I, but I wouldn't hang it on a wall.</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Nina's studio again--same scene)</p>
<p>KRAMER: Are you getting the eyes? 'Cause they're brown. (beat)
Or, really,</p>
<p>they're dark brown, like rich, Columbian coffee.</p>
<p>NINA: Tell me about Elaine.</p>
<p>KRAMER: She and Jerry were a big thing, like Abe Lincoln and Mary
Todd.</p>
<p>NINA: But, they're still friends.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah, they're like this (holds up two fingers together).</p>
<p>NINA: Don't you think that's strange?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Why, what's the difference?</p>
<p>NINA: Well, are you still friends with any of your ex-girlfriends?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Well, you know... I, uh... have many relationships.</p>
<p>(CUT TO: the door outside Nina's studio)</p>
<p>GEORGE: You know, I'm a little nervous.</p>
<p>JERRY: Why?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Well, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel
like I'm</p>
<p>getting fixed up for a friendship.</p>
<p>JERRY: I don't know how long this is gonna last.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Really? I thought you liked her.</p>
<p>JERRY: I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like
me having</p>
<p>fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door)</p>
<p>GEORGE: You know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey,
I'm not</p>
<p>obligated to buy anything, am I?</p>
<p>(Nina opens the door)</p>
<p>JERRY: Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George.</p>
<p>NINA: How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. (George
nods)</p>
<p>JERRY: (walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this
guy!</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yeah!</p>
<p>JERRY: (to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings.</p>
<p>NINA: Oh, are you interested?</p>
<p>GEORGE: (looking uncomfortable) Um... yeah! Sure, sure I'm interested.</p>
<p>KRAMER: George, you gonna buy a painting?</p>
<p>GEORGE: (gritting teeth) Yeah, sure.</p>
<p>NINA: Are you an art-lover?</p>
<p>GEORGE: I am an art-adorer! I adore art.</p>
<p>NINA: Great! Well, take a look around. Pick out something you like.</p>
<p>(George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls
over to</p>
<p>the painting-in-progress [Kramer] and picks up a brush.)</p>
<p>JERRY: May I? (pantomimes making a big &quot;X&quot; across the
painting)</p>
<p>NINA: (laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, play with this. (hands</p>
<p>Jerry a small white envelope)</p>
<p>JERRY: What's this?</p>
<p>NINA: My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday</p>
<p>afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout.</p>
<p>JERRY: (sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... I'm working, I'm
going</p>
<p>out of town.</p>
<p>NINA: Oh, well. I'm not gonna go without you. Do you guys want
'em?</p>
<p>KRAMER: (immediately) Yeah.</p>
<p>JERRY: They're right behind the dugout, George, first row!</p>
<p>GEORGE: Behind the dugout, are you kidding? How did you get them?</p>
<p>NINA: Oh, my father's the Yankees accountant... it's the owner's
box.</p>
<p>GEORGE: All my life I've dreamed of sitting front row, behind the
dugout!</p>
<p>NINA: (gesturing towards a small, ugly painting George was apparently
look-</p>
<p>ing at and happens to be holding) You like that one?</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Saturday, the game. George, Kramer, and Elaine are being
lead</p>
<p>to their seats)</p>
<p>GEORGE: Look at where we are! (referring to the seat usher) He's
not</p>
<p>stopping! He just keeps going and going and going! (the usher</p>
<p>abruptly stops at the second row) We're not in the first row?</p>
<p>USHER: No, no, these are your seats.</p>
<p>GEORGE: She said first row! Right behind the dugout!</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well, it's the second row. It's just as good.</p>
<p>GEORGE: I was all primed for the first row; I was gonna put my
feet up</p>
<p>on the dugout!</p>
<p>ELAINE: Would you shut up? These are great! You can't get any better
than</p>
<p>this.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Oh, there's better, (pointing at the row in front of them)
right</p>
<p>there, that's better.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Right. (Elaine giggles) Oh boy... okay, who wants a dog?
(Kramer</p>
<p>hands out the hot dogs)What a great day!</p>
<p>ELAINE: I could've been at my boss' son's bris right now.</p>
<p>GEORGE: (amused) You're supposed to do that?</p>
<p>ELAINE: (shrugs) Yeah. (beat) What makes you think anyone would
want to</p>
<p>go to a circumcision?</p>
<p>GEORGE: I'd rather go to a hanging.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Anyway, I called him back... I told him I had to go visit
my father</p>
<p>in the hospital in Maryland. (George laughs)</p>
<p>KRAMER: (screaming at the players on the field) YOU BETTER CATCH
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
IT,</p>
<p>JOHNNY, 'CAUSE THIS AIN'T PHILIDELPHIA!!</p>
<p>(a man approaches the trio)</p>
<p>MAN: George?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Yeah?</p>
<p>MAN: Hi. I'm Leonard West, Nina's father.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Hi! Mr. West, this is my friend Elaine--</p>
<p>ELAINE: Hi!</p>
<p>KRAMER: (screaming again) HEY, 230 AIN'T GONNA CUT IT IN THIS TOWN,
BABE!</p>
<p>GEORGE: --and this is Kramer.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey.</p>
<p>(the Yankees make a good play, the crowd applauds)</p>
<p>WEST: So how are the seats?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Okay.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Great, great.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
<p>WEST: George, I heard you bought one of Nina's paintings.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, it's being framed right now. I don't even know what
it costs.</p>
<p>(beat) Not, uh, too expensive, is it?</p>
<p>WEST: Well, if you have a lot of money.</p>
<p>(Yankees make a horrible play, the crowd responds)</p>
<p>WEST: (leaving) Well, enjoy the game. (beat -- to Elaine) I think
you</p>
<p>better take off that Orioles cap.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (thinking he's joking) Yeah. I better!</p>
<p>WEST: No, no, no. Seriously. You're in the owner's box, and I don't</p>
<p>think it's a good idea.</p>
<p>ELAINE: You're not serious.</p>
<p>WEST: Yes, yes, yes, I am!</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well, did he say that?</p>
<p>WEST: No, no, but he gave me the seats. I don't think he'd like
it if</p>
<p>you wore an Orioles cap.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well maybe you should ask him!</p>
<p>WEST: I don't have to ask him! Now are you gonna take the hat off
or</p>
<p>not?</p>
<p>ELAINE: No! I don't have to take it off, why should I take it off?
This</p>
<p>is ridiculous!!</p>
<p>GEORGE: Just take the cap off.</p>
<p>ELAINE: George, we are at a baseball game! This is America!</p>
<p>WEST: Look. Either you take the cap off, or you'll have to leave.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well, I don't care, I'm not taking it off.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Just take the cap off!</p>
<p>ELAINE: No!</p>
<p>(a fight starts between Elaine and George; Elaine ends up taking
off</p>
<p>GEORGE'S hat, and throwing it onto the field... West calls security</p>
<p>over, they proceed to remove Elaine)</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hey! Just wait a minute. We just got here!</p>
<p>GEORGE: (to Elaine) Do you want us to go with you?</p>
<p>KRAMER: (getting up) I'll go get your hat, George.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (sarcastically, to George) Stay!</p>
<p>GEORGE: Okay, we'll go!</p>
<p>(meanwhile Kramer is climbing over the dugout retrieve George's
cap... the</p>
<p>camera cuts to the field where the batter hits a pop fly to where
Kramer</p>
<p>is: the ball knocks him squarely in the head, he falls off the
dugout onto</p>
<p>the crowd)</p>
<p>END OF ACT 1</p>
<p>=============================================================================</p>
<p>ACT 2</p>
<p>(Jerry's apartment--day)</p>
<p>ELAINE: ...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls
right over</p>
<p>the railing!</p>
<p>JERRY: Is he okay?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room,
and you</p>
<p>know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!</p>
<p>JERRY: This is the most amazing story I've ever heard--why did
he want you</p>
<p>to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!</p>
<p>ELAINE: I know! Can you imagine that?</p>
<p>(Kramer enters with a bandage wrapper around his forehead)</p>
<p>JERRY: How you feeling?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (beat--holds up newspaper)
Hey,</p>
<p>we made the paper. Eh? Look at this- page 2, sports section...
we're</p>
<p>all in the picture.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Wha- a picture?</p>
<p>KRAMER: A picture.</p>
<p>ELAINE: OUR PICTURE'S IN THERE??</p>
<p>KRAMER: Uh-huh.</p>
<p>(they all crowd around, looking at the picture)</p>
<p>ELAINE: (gasps) I cannot believe this!</p>
<p>JERRY: (pointing) There's George!</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yup, yup!</p>
<p>ELAINE: Ohmygod! Lippman could see this! He thinks I was visiting
my father!</p>
<p>Oh my g-I make up one little white lie and they put my picture
in</p>
<p>the paper!</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Lippman's office. Lippman is at his desk, Elaine enters.)</p>
<p>ELAINE: Hi, Mr. Lippman.</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:How's your father?</p>
<p>ELAINE: My, my father?</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Yeah. You, you went to see him, right?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Uh-huh.</p>
<p>ELAINE: I went to visit him.</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Uh-huh. So, what was wrong with him?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well, you name it, uh, neuritis, uh, neuralgia...</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:But--but he's feeling better now?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Um, yup. Yes, yes, it just... such a miracle, um. My visit
must have</p>
<p>buoyed (Elaine says &quot;boyed&quot;) his spirits.</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:(correcting her) Boo-eed.</p>
<p>ELAINE: What--what did I say?</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:You said &quot;boyed.&quot;</p>
<p>ELAINE: I did?</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Yeah.</p>
<p>(Elaine starts to laugh hysterically, and at the same time discreetly
removes</p>
<p>Lippman's sports section from his desk. She manages to maneuver
it into her</p>
<p>lap, out of sight.)</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Well, I got a plane to catch.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Oh! Where are you going?</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Going to Houston. It's a publisher's convention. (beat)
Can I have</p>
<p>my sports section?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Ah. ...Yeah.</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:I've been saving it for the plane. I never miss the Sunday
sports</p>
<p>section.</p>
<p>ELAINE: There's nothing to read, it's just yesterday's news. You
know, the</p>
<p>Yankees won, the Mets lost, Ricky Henderson's unhappy...</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Right, right. (starts to take the paper from Elaine's hand;
Elaine</p>
<p>holds on tight.) What, what are you doing?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Wha-- oh! (noticing her hand) Oh, god! (laughs) That is
the THIRD</p>
<p>time today I have done that! BLAAAH! (laughs again) Grabbing news-</p>
<p>papers... I'm just tugging at 'em... (laughs)</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Gotta go.</p>
<p>ELAINE: Okay! Well, you know, have a nice trip, and uh... alrighty!
(beat)</p>
<p>I'll just hold down the, uh, fort!</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Nina's studio. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are admiring Nina's
&quot;Kramer.&quot;)</p>
<p>MRS.ARM:I sense great vulcrability. A land child crying out for
love, an</p>
<p>innocent orphan in the post-modern world.</p>
<p>MR. ARM:I see a parasite.</p>
<p>MRS.ARM:A sexually-depraved miscrient, who is seeking to gratify
only his</p>
<p>most basic and immediate urges.</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Another part of the studio where Jerry and Nina are arguing.)</p>
<p>NINA: She was a guest of my father's. She should've taken the cap
off.</p>
<p>JERRY: It's preposterous! They ask someone to take off a baseball
cap</p>
<p>at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Armstrongs admiring painting again.)</p>
<p>MRS.ARM:He is struggled, he is man-struggled. He lifts my spirit!</p>
<p>MR. ARM:He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can't look away.</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Jerry and Nina again.)</p>
<p>JERRY: Look, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe
we</p>
<p>should just end this before we really start hating each other.</p>
<p>NINA: Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because you always have
to</p>
<p>remain friends!</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, I like to remain friends with people I was friends
with!</p>
<p>NINA: Hey -- why don't you just go then! And -- oh, give this to
George.</p>
<p>Tell him he owes me $500!</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Armstrongs)</p>
<p>MRS.ARM:He transcends time and space.</p>
<p>MR. ARM:He sickens me.</p>
<p>MRS.ARM:I love it.</p>
<p>MR. ARM:Me too.</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Jerry's apartment.)</p>
<p>GEORGE: Five-hundred dollars?! What?</p>
<p>JERRY: That's what she told me!</p>
<p>GEORGE: I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk!</p>
<p>JERRY: That's what it costs!</p>
<p>GEORGE: Why did you even take it? You broke up with her!</p>
<p>JERRY: I wasn't thinking! I don't know.</p>
<p>GEORGE: You weren't thinking.</p>
<p>JERRY: Well, she framed it and everything.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm
buying this!</p>
<p>(beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly</p>
<p>lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?</p>
<p>JERRY: Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint
you some-</p>
<p>thing!</p>
<p>GEORGE: I'm not paying for this. If you were going out with her,
it'd be a</p>
<p>different story.</p>
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
<p>KRAMER: (entering, handing Jerry a piece of paper) This was in
front of your</p>
<p>door.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Hey, Kramer.</p>
<p>KRAMER: Hi, Mike.</p>
<p>JERRY: (looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina!</p>
<p>KRAMER: (notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing
I've ever</p>
<p>seen!</p>
<p>JERRY: (reading note) Oh my god!</p>
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
<p>JERRY: This is amazing, you can't believe this!</p>
<p>GEORGE: What's it say?</p>
<p>JERRY: Listen to this: &quot;I don't know what you expect to find
out there,</p>
<p>Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing</p>
<p>I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything</p>
<p>I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my
fists,</p>
<p>because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness</p>
<p>and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm
will-</p>
<p>ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity.&quot;</p>
<p>GEORGE: WOW!</p>
<p>KRAMER: (emotionally) She's deep.</p>
<p>JERRY: (reading on) &quot;...'cause that's what you need to do
to prove I'm not</p>
<p>going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and</p>
<p>people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-&quot;</p>
<p>(Kramer blows his noes loudly) &quot;...because I'm sure as hell
fighting</p>
<p>for you!&quot;</p>
<p>KRAMER: You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet!</p>
<p>JERRY: No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was
wrong about</p>
<p>her!</p>
<p>KRAMER: (pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and
give her a</p>
<p>call. Pick up the phone and call her!</p>
<p>JERRY: Should I?</p>
<p>KRAMER: (screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically)
Fight</p>
<p>for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!</p>
<p>JERRY: ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her.</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry is helping Nina
put on her</p>
<p>coat. The TV is on a horse race.)</p>
<p>JERRY: SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya!
(the inter-</p>
<p>com buzzes) Yeah?</p>
<p>GEORGE: (on intercom) It's George.</p>
<p>JERRY: Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together.
I love</p>
<p>a good posse.</p>
<p>NINA: What's the appeal of the posse?</p>
<p>JERRY: The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal.
Get away</p>
<p>from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's
a</p>
<p>week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.</p>
<p>(George enters)</p>
<p>NINA: Hello, George.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Hey, Nina! (beat) I owe you some money, don't I?</p>
<p>NINA: Well, I really love that piece.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Oh, yeah, me too, me too. Boy oh boy oh boy...! You know,
in fact, </p>
<p>I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I'm stealing from
you!</p>
<p>Five-hundred dollars! It's gonna be worth thousands soon! You know</p>
<p>what? On second thought, I can't even accept it.</p>
<p>NINA: No, no no no, George! A deal's a deal. I want you to have
it!</p>
<p>GEORGE: This could be in a museum some day! It's not safe with
me! It should</p>
<p>really be in a doormanned building.</p>
<p>NINA: Honestly, George, the money's not important.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Who said anything about money? (intercom buzzes)</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah?</p>
<p>ELAINE: (on intercom) It's Elaine.</p>
<p>JERRY: Come on up.</p>
<p>NINA: Elaine?</p>
<p>JERRY: ...Yeah.</p>
<p>NINA: (rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones,
does she?</p>
<p>JERRY: She likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in.
(pointing</p>
<p>to George) He likes the pop-in, too.</p>
<p>GEORGE: I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy.</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
<p>GEORGE: How 'bout Kramer.</p>
<p>JERRY: HUGE pop-in guy!</p>
<p>NINA: Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, we're on for tomorrow?</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
<p>NINA: Okay.</p>
<p>JERRY: Okay!</p>
<p>NINA: Bye. (just as Nina is about to leave, Elaine walks in.)</p>
<p>ELAINE: (to Nina) Hello!</p>
<p>(Nina doesn't respond, just walks past Elaine)</p>
<p>ELAINE: (sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow,
I'll</p>
<p>be fired!</p>
<p>JERRY: If he noticed, he would have called you from Houston!</p>
<p>ELAINE: No, he wants to torture me. </p>
<p>(CUT TO: later on that night. George, Elaine, and Jerry are watching
TV.</p>
<p>Jerry, with the remote, is furiously flipping through channels.)</p>
<p>ELAINE: (annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when
you're the</p>
<p>clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker,
insti-</p>
<p>gating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)</p>
<p>JERRY: (tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the
clicker back)</p>
<p>Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking.</p>
<p>ELAINE: You're all over the dial! You don't know what you want!
I've never</p>
<p>seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.</p>
<p>(another tug-o-war starts)</p>
<p>JERRY: Let go!</p>
<p>ELAINE: No, come on! I want it, Jerry!</p>
<p>JERRY: Let go, Elaine!</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well at least let George do it!</p>
<p>JERRY: Oh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight)</p>
<p>GEORGE: (as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it!
(he finally</p>
<p>gets the remote away from them) Pinheads.</p>
<p>(George starts clicking, the first station he lands on is playing
Neil Simon's</p>
<p>Chapter 2. After a few seconds, George gets bored, and changes
the station)</p>
<p>JERRY: Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch
it a little</p>
<p>longer)</p>
<p>ELAINE: It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon.</p>
<p>JERRY: (on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches
the TV</p>
<p>for another minute) The letter, that's the letter!</p>
<p>ELAINE: What letter?</p>
<p>JERRY: This is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from
the movie!</p>
<p>(Jerry get up to go find the letter. A second later, he returns,
and starts</p>
<p>reading in unison with movie on TV.)</p>
<p>JERRY: &quot;...'cause you don't even make the slightest effort
to offer happiness</p>
<p>still know that I love you!!&quot;</p>
<p>GEORGE: This is incredible!</p>
<p>JERRY: I always thought there was something funny about this letter!
She cop-</p>
<p>ied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!</p>
<p>GEORGE: Maybe I won't send her that check.</p>
<p>ELAINE: You know, it's not really that terrible. </p>
<p>JERRY: What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented
herself!</p>
<p>(mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness!</p>
<p>James Caan doesn't offer happiness!</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Lippman's office. Lippman is on the phone when Elaine
walks in and</p>
<p>places something on his desk. After she does, she tries to leave</p>
<p>but Lippman, still on the phone, motions for her to stay in the
room)</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:(into phone)...yeah, yeah. But she wouldn't take the cap
off? (beat)</p>
<p>But didn't she know they were the owner's seats? (beat) Aw, that's</p>
<p>unbelievable. (beat) Yeah. Okay. Alright Lenny, thanks again. Take</p>
<p>care. (hangs up the phone, and then, to Elaine) That was Lenny
West,</p>
<p>my accountant, who is a hell of a guy. And he handles the Yankees</p>
<p>too; it's his biggest account. So every once in a while they throw</p>
<p>him a couple of seats and last weekend he gave them to his daughter.</p>
<p>She's an artist, by the way. Anyway, her daughter gives 'em to
some</p>
<p>friends, you know. One of her friends shows up wearing a Baltimore</p>
<p>cap! (beat) You're from Baltimore, right?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Um, oh, it's Townscend, which is NEAR Baltimore.</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Yeah, but you're an Oriole fan, right?</p>
<p>ELAINE: Well, uh, fan. My father--</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Anyway, she refused to take the cap off; caused a whole
big scene!</p>
<p>ELAINE: Really?</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Yeah.</p>
<p>ELAINE: So... impudent.</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Yeah, so Lenny gave me the tickets for tomorrow night.
I'm inviting</p>
<p>Frank and Marsha. 'Wantcha to come.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (pause) Ah. I've-I've got plans, though, Mr. Li--</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Well, break 'em. You missed the bris, I want you at the
game.</p>
<p>ELAINE: (very reluctant) Okay.</p>
<p>LIPPMAN:Good. (Elaine stars to leave) Oh--and Elaine. You know
the Baltimore</p>
<p>cap you got in your office? Wear it. I'm gonna have a little fun
with</p>
<p>him.</p>
<p>ELAINE: That will be fun.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Nina's studio. Nina is working on a painting. Jerry is
watching her,</p>
<p>sitting on the sofa.)</p>
<p>JERRY: How's it coming?</p>
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
<p>NINA: Good, good.</p>
<p>JERRY: Seen any good movies lately?</p>
<p>NINA: No... not really. You?</p>
<p>JERRY: No. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You
like Neil</p>
<p>Simon?</p>
<p>NINA: Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff.</p>
<p>JERRY: I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to
be, uh...</p>
<p>Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that?</p>
<p>NINA: I don't know... maybe.</p>
<p>JERRY: I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other
night.</p>
<p>Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't
help</p>
<p>notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens</p>
<p>answer the door...)</p>
<p>MR. ARM:Well, we've made our decision. We want &quot;The Kramer.&quot;</p>
<p>(CUT TO: Jerry's apartment, night. Jerry and George are watching
a baseball</p>
<p>game and talking.)</p>
<p>GEORGE: Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000?
(laughs)</p>
<p>JERRY: Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!</p>
<p>GEORGE: So is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason?</p>
<p>JERRY: Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the
way, can</p>
<p>you get this thing outta my house?</p>
<p>GEORGE: Tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. I'll sell it
to you right</p>
<p>now for ten bucks.</p>
<p>(the Yankees announcer is heard on TV)</p>
<p>TVVOICE:Uh, there's seems to be a lot of trouble in the area just
behind the</p>
<p>Yankee dugout.</p>
<p>GEORGE: Behind the dugout, that's where we were sitting the other
day.</p>
<p>TVVOICE:Well, we're not going to show it, we don't want to encourage
that kind</p>
<p>of behavior. Say, it's a young lady, and boy she's really going
at it </p>
<p>with the security guard. She's a fiesty one. And now they're getting</p>
<p>the other security guard to come down. How do you like that Seegers?</p>
<p>Boy, she's someting. (beat) And a ball to left field...&quot; </p>
<p>(Jerry and George look at each other, wondering.)</p>
<p>(CUT TO: the Armstrong's dining room. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong are
having</p>
<p>Kramer over for dinner.)</p>
<p>KRAMER: ...then, when I was seventeen, I ran away from home and
hopped a </p>
<p>steamship to Sweden. (beat) This steak is excellent, by the way.</p>
<p>MRS.ARM:More potatoes?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, sure. Please.</p>
<p>MR. ARM:Yes, yes. Go on. You hopped a steamship to Sweden?</p>
<p>KRAMER: Yeah. (beat) And, it was a big one.</p>
<p>END OF ACT 2</p>
<p>=============================================================================</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>- - - T H E E N D - - -
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