907 lines
46 KiB
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907 lines
46 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Maestro</h1>
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Episode 113</p>
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<p>Donated by Mike D'Orazio (mdorazio@att.net)</p>
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<p>Written by: Larry David</p>
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<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: October 5, 1995 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander,</p>
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<p>Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Phil Morris (Jackie Chiles),</p>
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<p>Mark Metcalf (Maestro), Gary Yates (Security Guard), Paul Michael
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(Giggio),</p>
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<p>James Noah (Ned), Tim Bagley (Manager), Richard McGonagle (Mr.
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Star),</p>
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<p>Kenneth Ryan (Mr. Burns), Kymberley S. Newberry (Ms. Jordan), David
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Wendelman (Waiter) </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: Booth at Monk's Cafe]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: And then I hear this rabbi on television, I mean imagine.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't jealous of you.
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It was just the </p>
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<p>whole marriage thing.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ya know, I was just a little surprised.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean can anybody answer
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that?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What about all the loser stuff?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't know where the rabbi got that. Ya know I never
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said that. I said</p>
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<p>"I've never seen you looser".</p>
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<p>JERRY: I can see the can if you're in the army, but fresh fruit
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it's available, it's</p>
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<p>there, it's 2 aisles over.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating as always.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Where you going?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm going shopping with Susan.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What kind of shopping?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Clothes shopping.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Where are you going?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ross'.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh that's a nice store.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, it's her uncle's.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Discount?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (As he leaves) One would hope.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jackie Child's Office]</p>
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<p>(Kramer is sitting across from Jackie)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: So ya know, my friend and I we were going to the movies
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and we stopped off </p>
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<p>and bought this cafe latte.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: (Agreeing) Hm Hm. Oh what is that like Italian coffee?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah that's right.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: Half milk, half coffee?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: Hm Hm. You take a sip?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yes I did.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: Now when you took a sip, did you notice it was hot? Were
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you able to sip</p>
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<p>it in your normal fashion?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: Hm Hm. All right, all right. You take big sips?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well I think I take a normal sip.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: O.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong with that. Then
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what happened?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well you know ahh, they don't allow outside drinks in the
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movie theater.</p>
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<p>So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: Yeah, see they like to sell their own coffee.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?</p>
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<p>JACKIE: Yeah that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem
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for them. </p>
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<p>This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement
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on your </p>
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<p>constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: It's definitely preposterous.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: So. Then what happened?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well ahh. I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step
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over someone and</p>
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<p>I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: Was there a top on it?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: Now did you put the top on or did they put the top on for
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you?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No. They put the top on.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you?</p>
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<p>(Kramer motions that he did not make the top)</p>
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<p>JACKIE: (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. I want you to go down
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to Java World.</p>
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<p>Get me a cafe latte with a top. (To Kramer) We're gonna run some
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test on that top.</p>
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<p>Have you been to the doctor?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ah No no, I haven't.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: (To secretary over intercom) Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set
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up an appointment</p>
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<p>for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: So ah, what do you think Mr. Chiles.</p>
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<p>JACKIE: Jackie.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jackie. I mean, we have a chance? </p>
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<p>JACKIE: Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that
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jury, you </p>
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<p>gonna walk outta there a rich man.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Ross' clothing store]</p>
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<p>(Susan is holding a bright red shirt up to George)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't like it, it's red. It it's too flashy.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Well you could use a little flash.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: All right. Don't change me. Susan. Don't change me. Ya
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know there are a lot</p>
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<p>of woman that would love to be in your position right now.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Name one.</p>
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<p>MR ROSS: So, you find anything?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Oh, he's impossible to shop for uncle Ned.</p>
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<p>MR ROSS: I'm going on vacation to Costa Rica. Maybe I'll see you
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in a couple of </p>
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<p>weeks.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: O.K.</p>
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<p>SALESMAN: Excuse me Mr Ross.</p>
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<p>(George notices the security guard standing near the front door)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: See now this I don't get. </p>
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<p>SUSAN: What?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The security guard.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: What about him?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why does he have to stand?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Because he's a security guard.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: But I mean look at him. He's gotta be on his feet like
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that all day?</p>
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<p>That's brutal. I think I'm gonna say something to your uncle.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: George, you just met him. Don't say anything to him.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Aren't you concerned about the security guard?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Not really. (Walks away)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Thinking to himself) She's not concerned about the security
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guard. What</p>
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<p>kind of a person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care
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that this man</p>
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<p>has to stand here 8 hours a day when he could easily be sitting.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: All right George. (She puts the red shirt up to him again)
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What do you </p>
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<p>think?</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Elaine and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.]</p>
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<p>JERRY: So ah, what did you do last night?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Nothing.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I know nothing, but what did you actually do?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Wow. That really is nothing.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I told ya.</p>
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<p>(Kramer enters)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What are you all dressed up for?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh I ah just came from a meeting with my lawyer.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh yeah, how's that looking?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh I'll tell you how it's looking. My lawyer Jackie says
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if there is one</p>
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<p>coffee drinker on that jury, (in a very high voice) I'm gonna be
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a rich man.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: That's despicable. How does he know how all coffee drinkers
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will vote?</p>
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<p>I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury I wouldn't give you
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a nickel Kramer.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. He would have
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weeded you out.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Frankly I'm surprised you're so litigious.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh I can be quite litigious.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What I mean who ever heard of this anyway? Suing a company
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because there</p>
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<p>coffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah but Jackie says the top was faulty.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Mocking) Jackie says the top was faulty.</p>
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<p>(Sounds of knocking in the background on Kramer's door)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey Maestro! </p>
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<p>MAESTRO: Ah, Kramer.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I'm in here. How's it going.</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: Fine.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hi Bob.</p>
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<p>(Kramer coughs purposely and motions toward maestro with his head)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Apologetically) Oh, I'm sorry. Maestro.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, this is a surprise ha?</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: I just wanted to drop off this Chinese balm for your burns.
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It's supposed</p>
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<p>to be great stuff. It's all herbal.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>KRAMER: Oh Maestro, you, what are you doing? You don't have to
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do this. Do you </p>
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<p>believe this Maestro? </p>
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<p>MAESTRO: It's nothing.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, ya know you haven't been around for a while.</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: Oh yeah, I've been at my house in Tuscany.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's in Italy.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I hear it's ah beautiful there.</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: Well if you're thinking of getting a place there don't
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bother. There's </p>
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<p>really nothing available.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Surprised) Huh?</p>
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<p>(Elaine enters from bathroom)</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: (Seeing Elaine) Oh!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hello.</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: Well Hello. And who might you be?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I might be Elaine.</p>
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<p>JERRY: This is a, Bob Cobb.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Maestro.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, Maestro.</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: It is my very great pleasure. (Kisses Elaine's hand)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Enchante.</p>
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<p>MAESTRO AND ELAINE (Simultaneously): Well I have to be going.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Jinx buy me a coke.</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: Oh. Love it when that happeneds.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I know I know. That is so ahh ......</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: Coincidental.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, thanks. O.K. Bye you guys.</p>
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<p>MAESTRO: Ciao.</p>
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<p>(Elaine and Maestro leave)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah oh hey and a thanks for the balm. Yeah.</p>
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<p>(Kramer shuts the door and stares at Jerry)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh what, because I didn't call him Maestro?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: That's right.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ya know I feel a little funny calling somebody Maestro.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Why?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Because it's a stupid thing to be called.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry he's a conductor.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association
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Orchestra.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, he's still a conductor.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well he sure worked pretty fast with Elaine.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, you should see him do 'Flight of the Bumble Bee'.</p>
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<p>(Kramer makes like a conductor and makes a classic Kramer sound)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Monks Cafe. George and Jerry are sitting across from
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each other]</p>
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<p>JERRY: New shirt?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah. You like it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, not particularly.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why, the color?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Too flashy?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, it's burning my retina. Susan picked that out for
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you right?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Obviously lying) No. </p>
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<p>JERRY: (Reaches for a menu) All right what's it going to be here.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Let me ask you something. When you go into a store, does
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it bother you </p>
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<p>that they make the security guard just stand there all day?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: See, didn't bother Susan either. That's why I'm different.
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I can sense</p>
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<p>the slightest human suffering.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Are you sensing anything right now?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Let me just say this. It is inhumane to make a man stand
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on his feet, in</p>
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<p>one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, what about criminal activity? He's got to be alert.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What, he can't jump out of the chair? How long does that
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take?</p>
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<p>Here look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch.
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|
(stands up)</p>
|
|
<p>Criminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop
|
|
It! Stop It!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Maybe they offered him a chair and he turned it down.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Would you get out of here. Who's gonna turn down a chair?
|
|
I would be</p>
|
|
<p>very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe I'll
|
|
have a talk</p>
|
|
<p>with him.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know you will.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters and sits next to Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie just called.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Who?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: His lawyer.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, Java World wants to settle.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, I'm gonna be rich.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why are they settling?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Cause their afraid of bad publicity.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All this because you spilled coffee on yourself?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah that's right.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Very loud in the direction of a waiter) I'm gonna need
|
|
a coffee here. Very hot! Boiling!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Restaurant. Maestro and Elaine are talking)</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: And then about four years ago I was on holiday in Tuscany.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Uh ha.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: And I fell in love with this house.</p>
|
|
<p>(Waiter approaches) </p>
|
|
<p>WAITER: Are you ready to order?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh God. What are you getting Bob?</p>
|
|
<p>(Maestro looks at Elaine with an annoyed look on his face)</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Good question. (to waiter) We'll need a few minutes.</p>
|
|
<p>(Maestro puts his head in his hand. He is visibly upset)</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: You know, I'm sorry but, I didn't mention it earlier but
|
|
actually I </p>
|
|
<p>preferred to be called Maestro.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Excuse me?</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Well, ya know I am a conductor.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, so?</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Oh I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein to be called
|
|
Maestro because</p>
|
|
<p>he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called
|
|
Maestro and I don't.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, I mean don't you think that he was probably called
|
|
Maestro while he </p>
|
|
<p>was conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends probably
|
|
just called </p>
|
|
<p>him Lenny.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: I happen to know for a fact, that he was called Maestro
|
|
in social </p>
|
|
<p>situations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him
|
|
and said </p>
|
|
<p>"Hello Maestro, how about a beer". O.K. So that's a fact.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Maestro huh? O.K. (laughing)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment. Jerry is at the refrigerator getting
|
|
orange juice.]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters frantically)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is gone look.(shows
|
|
Jerry the burn area).</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What do you mean?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well I put that Chinese balm on that the Maestro gave me.
|
|
And look, it </p>
|
|
<p>healed it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: So? My lawsuit. I'm finished.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I thought they wanted to settle.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well what happens if they want to see it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Then you're in a lot of trouble.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah!!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Ross' clothing store. Guard is standing near entrance.
|
|
George enters.]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To guard) Tired?</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: No.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How come uh, no chair?</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: What?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I, I couldn't help but notice that uh you don't have a
|
|
chair.</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: I don't need a chair.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No I didn't mean to imply that you did. You're obviously
|
|
a very well </p>
|
|
<p>proportioned individual. I was just wondering, have they ever offered
|
|
you a chair?</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: Nope.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Would you like a chair?</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: I suppose if they gave me one I'd sit down.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ah ha, Ah ha. You would, wouldn't you?</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: Obviously I'd rather sit than stand, if that's what your
|
|
asking.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That's exactly my point.</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: Well who wouldn't?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Cause I tell you, frankly, I would like to walk in hear
|
|
one day and find</p>
|
|
<p>you sitting down. (Starts to walk out of the store) That would
|
|
give me a lot of </p>
|
|
<p>pleasure. Call me crazy.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Back seat of a cab. Jackie and Kramer]</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I
|
|
didn't tell you </p>
|
|
<p>to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even
|
|
been to see the</p>
|
|
<p>doctor. If your gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I guess I screwed up huh Jackie?</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: Your damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you
|
|
get that damm balm</p>
|
|
<p>anyway?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: The Maestro.</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: The who? What are you talking about Maestro?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: My friend he's a conductor.</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: Oh oh oh, so a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you
|
|
do it?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well my stomach was burning.</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well I didn't know the balm was gonna work.</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm?
|
|
Didn't you read</p>
|
|
<p>the instructions?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well I ...</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: (interrupts) No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're
|
|
unpredictable.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm sorry Jackie.</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: (To cab driver) Pull over here driver this is it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Motions with his head) Yeah, get over.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>[Setting: Elaine and Jerry walking on the sidewalk in NYC]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Did you have a good time?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, he's very interesting. Did you know that Mozart died
|
|
while he was</p>
|
|
<p>writing 'The Requiem'.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows that, it was in Amadeus.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So what about the "Maestro" stuff. Did he make
|
|
you call him Maestro.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I called him Maestro.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You didn't mind?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: O.K. from now on I want you to call me "Jerry the Great".</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I am not calling you "Jerry the Great".</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why not you call him Maestro.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: He is a Maestro.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I'm great.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So you say.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What about his house in Tuscany, he mention that?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah. (bragging) I'm invited.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know when I told him it was beautiful there, out of
|
|
the clear blue sky</p>
|
|
<p>he says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone else
|
|
there.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed by Americans.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, well maybe there aren't any houses to rent there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: In all of Tuscany? I wonder.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Office of a Java World building] </p>
|
|
<p>MR STAR: I say we offer him $50,000 that's it, take it or leave
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<p>MR BURNS: How do we know how severe the burns are? Why don't we
|
|
have him </p>
|
|
<p>examined by a doctor.</p>
|
|
<p>MS. JORDAN: Listen, the faster we dispose of this the better. This
|
|
thing gets into</p>
|
|
<p>the paper it will kill us.</p>
|
|
<p>MR STAR: All right, we'll start at 50,000 and free coffee at all
|
|
of our stores.</p>
|
|
<p>(Secretary beeps)</p>
|
|
<p>MR STAR: (Answering secretary) Yes?</p>
|
|
<p>(Heard over the speaker)</p>
|
|
<p>SECRETARY: Mr. Chiles and Mr. Kramer are here.</p>
|
|
<p>(To intercom)</p>
|
|
<p>MR STAR: Send them in.</p>
|
|
<p>(Mr. Star opens door to let Jackie and Kramer in)</p>
|
|
<p>MR STAR: Gentleman.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer and Jackie enter Mr. Star's office)</p>
|
|
<p>MR STAR: Gentleman come in. Now we don't want to take up much of
|
|
your time. Let's</p>
|
|
<p>make this short and sweet. We're prepared to offer you all the
|
|
free coffee you </p>
|
|
<p>want in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe,
|
|
Plus..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Interrupting) I'LL TAKE IT!!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jackie and Kramer in the back of a cab]</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: I'll take it? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to
|
|
take it? </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No.</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it, he wasn't
|
|
there. </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well I thought we were lucky to get anything.</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: Free coffee?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: I don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee.
|
|
I can get my own</p>
|
|
<p>damn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that "Plus".</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well I didn't hear any Plus.</p>
|
|
<p>JACKIE: 20 years practicing law I've never experienced anything
|
|
like this.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer spots a Java World)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Look, Java World. (To cabbie) Hey listen I'm gonna get
|
|
out here. I'm </p>
|
|
<p>gonna get myself a free cafe latte.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer tramples over Jackie to get out of the cab)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and hear
|
|
music approaching]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey. Hi Maestro.</p>
|
|
<p>(Maestro makes like a conductor waiving his hands. Elaine joins
|
|
in to finish the song)</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Beethoven's 7th.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey you know we were just talking about you.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Oh yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, ya know the other day how you mentioned that there
|
|
were no houses </p>
|
|
<p>available in Tuscany?</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: You didn't find one, did you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No. I'm not really looking.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Nor should you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So are you telling me there's not one house to rent in all
|
|
of Tuscany?</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: The houses are passed down from generation to generation,
|
|
it's very hard.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing?</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: It's booked solid!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's BOOKED Jerry!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How'd you get yours?</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: Got lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride, I was about
|
|
to pop in some</p>
|
|
<p>Verdi.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine starts to sing in Italian. Maestro and Elaine drive away)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Maybe I'll check out France.</p>
|
|
<p>(George walks towards Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey George, do you believe this guy?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Who?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Bob Cobb.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Bob Cobb?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, the Maestro.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh I missed the Maestro?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, get this, he tells me there are no houses any where
|
|
in Tuscany to rent.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Huh. Your renting a house in Tuscany?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So what do you care?</p>
|
|
<p>(George walks away leaving Jerry standing there by himself)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Monk's cafe. George and Jerry are sitting at the booth]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I just wish I could figure out if this guy is trying to
|
|
keep me out of </p>
|
|
<p>Tuscany.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Of course he is. There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany.
|
|
Do you </p>
|
|
<p>know how big Tuscany is?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I have no idea.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It it's huge. It's probably like North Dakota.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, no way it's that big.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's a big region.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Do you know how big North Dakota is stupid?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't know why I bother even talking to you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, no one's got a gun to your head.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right.</p>
|
|
<p>(George and Jerry hold there arms up in a truce)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So I spoke to the security guard.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah and?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well it's tough to get a good read but I think if I brought
|
|
him a chair,</p>
|
|
<p>he'd sit. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So are you gonna get him a chair?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking
|
|
about a bar stool.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, that would give him some height, be able to check
|
|
things out. With a</p>
|
|
<p>back or without.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh I think I'd go for the back.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Swivel?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe one of those director's
|
|
chairs. What</p>
|
|
<p>do you think of those. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know my parents
|
|
used to have a </p>
|
|
<p>kitchen chair that would have been perfect.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You mean one of those vinyl things?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Vinyl yeah, maybe.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How can I figure out if there's any places to rent in Tuscany?
|
|
Wait a </p>
|
|
<p>minute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry leaves the booth headed for the phone in the back of the
|
|
cafe)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, good luck. Hey I'll meet you outside.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: In Maestro's car, he and Elaine are driving and singing
|
|
Finiculi, Finicula]</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: On the street in the city, George and Jerry are talking]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Poppy told me to talk to his cousin, he lives down in Little
|
|
Italy.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What do you think about a rocking chair?</p>
|
|
<p>(Camera shifts to inside a Java World and Kramer is exiting at
|
|
the door)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Speaking very fast and fidgety) You can't put a limit
|
|
on my cafe lattes,</p>
|
|
<p>it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when
|
|
I come in here. </p>
|
|
<p>If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have
|
|
any problems I'm</p>
|
|
<p>gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in
|
|
really big trouble.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer exits and runs into Jerry and George)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's the matter?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Awe there making faces at me cause I've had a couple of
|
|
cafe lattes. But I'm</p>
|
|
<p>entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that
|
|
was the settlement.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: That's it?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: That's it. What you want one George? I can get one for
|
|
you. No problem.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You've got to stop it. Your your all hopped up on the caffein.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well I feel like I'm talking fast but it's very hard to
|
|
tell.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're racing!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well well I've got things to do. I'll see you later. Bye.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer walks extremely fast away from Jerry and George first putting
|
|
the contract</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>into his jacket and then fixes his tie all while still walking
|
|
extremely fast)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Dark room. Elaine and Maestro are kissing]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Passionately) Oh Bob! Bob!</p>
|
|
<p>(Maestro is insulted and pulls away)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Correcting herself) Maestro!</p>
|
|
<p>(Maestro begins kissing Elaine again)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Ross' clothing store. George carries in a rocking chair]</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: (Noticing George with the rocking chair) Excuse me. Can
|
|
I help you?</p>
|
|
<p>GEOGE: Nope. Just a, giving a chair to the security guard.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this?</p>
|
|
<p>(George motions for the clerk to approach him)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What's your name?</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: Evan Fayne.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm probably gonna be taking
|
|
over this </p>
|
|
<p>whole place someday so if I were you I would stay on my good side.</p>
|
|
<p>CLERK: I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Innocent mistake.</p>
|
|
<p>(George gives the chair to the security guard)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, here you go. What do you think?</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: Mr. Ross says this is O.K.?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it. Go
|
|
ahead. Check it out.</p>
|
|
<p>(Guard sits in the chair)</p>
|
|
<p>GUARD: Not bad. Not bad at all.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Dark room in the back of an Italian restaurant.]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Giggio.</p>
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<p>GIGGIO: Si, Si, imma Giggio.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Poppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio.</p>
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<p>GIGGIO: Si, Si Poppy.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Um, did he did he mention to you why I called?</p>
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<p>GIGGIO: Si, the house in Tuscana.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?</p>
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<p>GIGGIO: Si. Two million lira. You give me the check.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I didn't actually want to rent it.</p>
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<p>GIGGIO: The keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two
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|
million</p>
|
|
<p>lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.</p>
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<p>(A man approaches Mr. Giggio and whispers in his ear.)</p>
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<p>GIGGIO: (To the man) Si, Si.</p>
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<p>(Jerry watches the man walk away and appears to be very frightened)</p>
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<p>JERRY: So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was
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|
just wondering if</p>
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<p>there were houses there to rent.</p>
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<p>GIGGIO: Si. (hods up the keys) Thissa one!. Capiche?</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Ross' clothing store. The employees are being held up
|
|
at gun point. The</p>
|
|
<p>camera moves from the right to the left. There is a masked man
|
|
taking the money</p>
|
|
<p>from the cash register. As the camera moves all the way to the
|
|
left of the store,</p>
|
|
<p>you see the security guard fast asleep in his new chair]</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: At the window of a house in Tuscany. Elaine and Maestro
|
|
are talking.</p>
|
|
<p>There is a lady singing in Italian in the background]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's been a rough couple of weeks, ya know I really needed
|
|
to get away.</p>
|
|
<p>MAESTRO: I told you, it's paradise.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You're right Maestro.</p>
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|
<p>(The sound of a car horn is heard in the background. A cab driver
|
|
is yelling </p>
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|
<p>in Italian. Elaine and Maestro go to the window on the other side
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|
of the room</p>
|
|
<p>to see what is going on. We see the cab.)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Common Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get out.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry falls out of the back seat of the cab.)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You didn't have to push me.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I didn't push you. How much did you pay that guy?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: 75,000 lira.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: 75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer you don't under the conversion rate.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, conversion rate, oh.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know I don't even know why I brought you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Nobody put a gun to your head.</p>
|
|
<p>(They look up and see the place)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Not bad!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah!</p>
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<p>[END]</p>
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<p>
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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|
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<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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|
}
|
|
}
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|
</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<!--
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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</script></body>
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