841 lines
43 KiB
HTML
841 lines
43 KiB
HTML
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<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Maid</title>
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<h1>The Maid</h1>
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INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY</p>
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<p>George and Jerry sit at their usual booth.</p>
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<p>JERRY (to waitress): Cup of tea with lemon.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What happened to your voice?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open
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for a rodeo.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can
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go with George Costanza.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's
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got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You mean like...Liza!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: But I was thinking...T-bone.</p>
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<p>JERRY: But there's no "t" in your name. What about G-bone?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: There's no G-bone.</p>
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<p>JERRY: There's a g-spot.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: That's a myth.</p>
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<p>George takes a bite of his sandwich and gets a piece stuck to his
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chin.</p>
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<p>JERRY: T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya.</p>
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<p>EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Why did they hire you for a rodeo?</p>
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<p>INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY</p>
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<p>Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the sofa chewing gum.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>JERRY: They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Didn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama
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or--</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, I had that comin' to me. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: You know, Kenny Rogers has a-</p>
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<p>Jerry's maid exits from his bedroom and walks over to the kitchen.</p>
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<p>ELAINE (whispering): Why did you get a maid?</p>
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<p>JERRY: You don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Where did you get her?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I hired her from a service!</p>
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<p>MAID: All done.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Thank you. Nice job.</p>
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<p>MAID: Is this mine?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>The maid leaves Jerry's apartment. Elaine smiles at Jerry.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Notice what? She's not really even a maid.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh.</p>
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<p>JERRY: She wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or
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a...news woman.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Uh-huh. News woman. Yeah.</p>
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<p>Kramer enters.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's
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movin' away.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You have a girlfriend?</p>
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<p>Jerry stands up; Kramer opens the fridge.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Jerry, where have you been?</p>
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<p>JERRY: At a rodeo. Where's she moving?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Downtown.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Downtown New York?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance
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relationships.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's like 10 minutes by subway.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I don't know.</p>
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<p>Kramer opens a bottled carbonated drink which overflows and spills
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onto the floor.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh! Jeez! Well, you've got a maid. It's a whole different
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world downtown-- different Gap, different Tower Records, and she's
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a 646.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What? What is that?</p>
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<p>JERRY: That's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all
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the new numbers are 646.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I was a 718 when I first moved here. I cried every night.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later
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and pick up a fax.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: At work?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No. At your apartment.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't have a fax machine.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Here we go. </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is
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why you should get a fax and a Xerox.</p>
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<p>JERRY: And a dead bolt.</p>
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<p>KRAMER (to Elaine) Are ya sure you don't have one? Because there's
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a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Then maybe you have a fax machine.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You just blew my mind.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING</p>
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<p>KRUGER: Let's order lunch.</p>
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<p>INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY</p>
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<p>Everyone is gathered around a large conference table.</p>
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<p>KRUGER: Mary, I will have a chef's salad.</p>
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<p>MALE WORKER: Turkey sandwich.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: T-bone steak.</p>
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<p>KRUGER: For lunch?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In
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fact, you might as well call me--</p>
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<p>WATKINS: That sounds good. I'll have one, too.</p>
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<p>KRUGER: Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone?</p>
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<p>WATKINS: I love 'em.</p>
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<p>KRUGER: Well, then we should call you T-bone.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Uh, no. No, we shouldn't.</p>
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<p>KRUGER: T-bone!</p>
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<p>ALL (chanting): T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone!
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T-bone! T-bone!</p>
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<p>INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY</p>
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<p>The phone rings. Elaine enters her apartment carrying bags of groceries.
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She drops the bags and picks up the phone.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hello?</p>
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<p>A fax squeal.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What?</p>
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<p>She checks her answering machine.</p>
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<p>MACHINE: You have 57 messages. Message one...</p>
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<p>Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.</p>
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<p>MACHINE: Message two...</p>
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<p>Fax squeal. She skips to the next message.</p>
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<p>MACHINE: Message three...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey, it's George. Listen, I-</p>
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<p>She skips to the next message.</p>
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<p>MACHINE: Message four...</p>
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<p>Fax squeal.</p>
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<p>ELAINE Kramer!</p>
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<p>The phone rings. Elaine hesitates and lets it ring. She finally
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caves and picks it up.</p>
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<p>EALINE: Hello?</p>
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<p>Another fax squeal.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Aah!</p>
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<p>EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLSIHING</p>
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<p>INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well Cindy, the place looks great.</p>
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<p>She grabs her money off the counter.</p>
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<p>CINDY: Thanks Jerry, gotta run.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ok, I'll see ya.</p>
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<p>As Cindy leaves, Jerry gives her a big kiss. Elaine shows up and
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watches, amused.</p>
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<p>CINDY: Hi, Elaine.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry groans as Elaine enters and Cindy exits.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: All right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is
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a wise decision.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation
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so obviously fraught with potential complications?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep
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with you.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No. I pay her to clean. The rest is--</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What? A health plan?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I was going to say, "Being a good host."</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh-ho-ho. Oh.</p>
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<p>JERRY: But the point is we have our personal relationship, and
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we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some
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what sophisticated.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: So you consider this a relationship?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes, I do. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh. Have you been out?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes, we have.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Where did you go?</p>
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<p>JERRY: The store.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Mm! To get what?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Stuff.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Cleaning supplies?</p>
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<p>JERRY: And gum.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin'
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the maid and then chewin' some gum.</p>
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<p>JERRY: She's not a maid. She might be a news woman!</p>
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<p>Kramer enters.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey. Well, I just saw Madeline off. Yeah. She's in a cab
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and--nguh nguh nguh--on her way. I miss her already.</p>
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<p>Kramer sits down on the couch.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house
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every 30 seconds?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, Now We're
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Cookin'. That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the
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menus from some restaurants.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Which ones?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: So this is never gonna stop?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should
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I pick those up later?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You can pick 'em up right now.</p>
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<p>Elaine imitates the fax squeal right into Kramer's ear.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ah!</p>
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<p>EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY</p>
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<p>She fondles a candle stick as a phone man fixes her phone.</p>
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<p>ELAINE (thinking): I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just
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disappeared...would anybody notice?</p>
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<p>PHONE MAN: All right, miss Benes, all finished. Here's your new
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number.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ahem. 646? What is this?</p>
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<p>PHONE MAN: That's your new area code.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I thought 646 was just for new numbers.</p>
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<p>PHONE MAN: This is a new number.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's--it's--it's
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just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just...changed.</p>
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<p>PHONE MAN: Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of
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experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze
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of circular logic.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known.</p>
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<p>PHONE MAN: I could've killed you, and no one would've known.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING</p>
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<p>JERRY: Kramer, you're still on the phone?</p>
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<p>INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT</p>
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<p>Kramer is sitting on the couch with a blanket. He's on the phone.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>KRAMER: Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you
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know this comes on at the same time here as it does there?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?</p>
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<p>KRAMER (into phone): Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you
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going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too.</p>
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<p>Kramer gets up and Jerry grabs the phone from him.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Madeline stays here.</p>
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<p>George enters.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, T-bone!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No. No T-bone.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No T-bone?</p>
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<p>KRAMER (from bathroom): Hey, is that T-bone?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: No! There's no T-bone!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, why no T-bone?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Why no T-bone?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: 'Cause Neil Watkins from accounting is T-bone!</p>
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<p>Kramer returns from the bathroom and picks up the phone.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah I'm back. Hey, you wanna play cards over the phone?</p>
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<p>Kramer opens the door.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey, uh, listen, Jerry, uh, laundry's pilin' up there.
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You might want to tell your girlfriend. Mmm. Yeah.</p>
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<p>Kramer leaves.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Your girlfriend is doin' your laundry?</p>
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<p>KRAMER (from hallway): He's sleeping with his maid!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're sleepin' with the maid?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No.</p>
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<p>EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY</p>
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<p>Elaine and a man are talking.</p>
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<p>MAN: You're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give
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out her number.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, I'm not. Here you go.</p>
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<p>MAN: 646?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: It's a new area code.</p>
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<p>MAN: What area? New Jersey?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212.
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They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle
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number. It's the same.</p>
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<p>MAN: Do I have to dial a one first?</p>
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<p>Elaine nods and the man crumples up her number.</p>
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<p>MAN: I'm really kinda seein' somebody.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah? Well, so am I!</p>
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<p>EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second there, Watkins?</p>
|
|
<p>INT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>George and Watkins stand just outside the conference room talking.</p>
|
|
<p>WATKINS: It's T-bone.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The thing is...I'm supposed to be T-bone.</p>
|
|
<p>WATKINS: Heh heh. You're not a T-bone. You're a perfect George.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What? Now, you listen to me!</p>
|
|
<p>Kruger and a few other people watch George through the window of
|
|
the conference room door.</p>
|
|
<p>KRUGER: Hey, look at George. He's givin' it to T-bone. He's jumpin'
|
|
up and down like some kind of monkey. Hey, what was the name of
|
|
that monkey that could read sign language?</p>
|
|
<p>WATKINS: All right, you can have T-bone. Stop crying.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (sniffling): I'm not crying. And I shouldn't have said that
|
|
about your wife. Please accept my apologies. </p>
|
|
<p>Watkins and George enter the conference room.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ok, everybody, uh...I have an announcement to make. From
|
|
now on, I will be known as-</p>
|
|
<p>KRUGER: Koko the monkey.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>ALL (chanting): Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko!
|
|
Koko! Koko!</p>
|
|
<p>INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine walks down the hallway. Two people exit an apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Thank you both for being here.</p>
|
|
<p>EALINE: Um, excuse me. I live in the building. Did something happen
|
|
to Mrs. Krantz?</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: She passed. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, I'm so sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: A quick question-- did she by any chance have a 212 phone
|
|
number?</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: I can't find my earring. Oh, here it is.</p>
|
|
<p>INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Cindy walks into Jerry's bedroom. Kramer enters.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. It's in your closet.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, no, no. I looked.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They're behind my skis and my tennis racket.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Thanks, buddy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Where you goin'?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline
|
|
for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What
|
|
happened to Cindy?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>Cindy comes from Jerry's bedroom.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: Hi, Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>She picks up her money from the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: Thanks, Jerry. Bye.</p>
|
|
<p>She leaves.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, what's the matter?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What did I just pay for?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh-oh. You're a john.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY - ESTABLISHING</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Koko?</p>
|
|
<p>INT. MONK'S RESTAURANT - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>George and Jerry are sitting at the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Koko.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin'
|
|
for sex.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week.
|
|
First I had to pay for dinner, then--</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like
|
|
I'm seein' a prostitute.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How much you pay this maid?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: 40.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: 40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and
|
|
I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't
|
|
know what that was.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know what this is.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters and sits at the counter so George is between him
|
|
and Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, hey, hey. Look at that.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer shows of his I Love New York shirt.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ooh.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Jerry, you wouldn't believe what it's like down there.
|
|
Taxicab drivers are insane. You know, everybody is in a hurry.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I can't eat with you leanin' over like this. Just look
|
|
straight forward.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, now I can't see Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I look about the same.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I was talking to him.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Never mind.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Come on. What'd he say?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Never mind.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Jerry, come on. What'd you say?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer and Jerry try to talk to each other by leaning back and
|
|
forth, but keep missing each other. Jerry leans forward to look
|
|
at Kramer, but Kramer leans back. Kramer leans forward, Jerry leans
|
|
back.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Come on. Where'd you go?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Go back.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Eh! Come on. What did you say?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I said, never mind.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I hate the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine enters and sits at the counter next to Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I hate the counter.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Who's that?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (to Jerry): Well, I got a 212 number from this little old
|
|
lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, she didn't mind?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No. She died.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, that's great.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What happened to Mrs. Krantz?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine got a new number because she died.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Newman died?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What did he say?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Some new kind of pie.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'll try a piece.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right, who's down there?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, there's a booth.</p>
|
|
<p>They all get up to move.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, hi.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Did you hear about Newman?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer whimpers.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING</p>
|
|
<p>INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is cleaning his kitchen and Cindy is reclined on the sofa.
|
|
George enters.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey. </p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>He unfurls a jersey that reads, "Koko 00."</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Double zero?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's "ooh" As in "ooh ooh ah ah." </p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: Your nickname's Koko? One of the girls down at the maid
|
|
service is named Coco.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Really? Coco?</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: Yeah. Coco. That girl's all right.</p>
|
|
<p>Cindy gets up and goes into Jerry's bedroom.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger,
|
|
they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would
|
|
never allow 2 Kokos.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Sounds like he runs a real tight ship.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Say good-bye to Koko.</p>
|
|
<p>George leaves as Kramer enters.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Good-bye, Koko.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me.
|
|
The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't
|
|
realize it, but I'm a needy person.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you?
|
|
All sealed up in here, emotionally unavailable, paying scrubwomen
|
|
for sexual favors! No! Jerry, I won't be like you! Never! I'll never
|
|
be like you! </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer storms out of the apartment and Cindy returns.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: What was that?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I didn't hear anything.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your
|
|
outfit.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: No. My money.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: For what?</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: For my maid services. You booked me for today.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But you didn't really do any work.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: I made the bed.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But you took a nap in it.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: So?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: No. That was the maid.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, who took the nap?</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: The girlfriend.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: $40 seems kind of steep for a nap.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind
|
|
of a prostitute?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or
|
|
your maid.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So is this a breakup/quitting?</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again.</p>
|
|
<p>Cindy walks out of Jerry's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>EXT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING</p>
|
|
<p>PHONE MAN: Sign here.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yes! 212.</p>
|
|
<p>INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and the phone man.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, what happened to the guy I had last time?</p>
|
|
<p>PHONE MAN: Oh, you know, it's an odd thing. He went out on a job
|
|
and never came back. Nobody knows what happened.</p>
|
|
<p>The phone man leaves and the phone rings.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: All right! I am back in the game.</p>
|
|
<p>She picks up the phone.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>BOY: Gammy!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No. You got the wrong number, kid.</p>
|
|
<p>BOY: Gammy Krantz, it's your grandson Bobby. Why haven't you called?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh...nuts. </p>
|
|
<p>BOY: Do you hate me 'cause of my lazy eye?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING</p>
|
|
<p>INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and Jerry are playing Battleship.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Miss.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be
|
|
to have a real family.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I wouldn't worry about it. B-6?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine makes an explosion sound. Jerry nods in approval. The phone
|
|
rings and Jerry answers.</p>
|
|
<p>INTERCUT:</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY'S APARTMENT/PHONE BOOTH</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>COMPUTER VOICE: You have a collect call from--</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, buddy, don't say no!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I accept.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta
|
|
move, or it's over."</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, what happened?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine gets up and leaves.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out,
|
|
I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money.
|
|
I don't recognize anybody. I miss home,</p>
|
|
<p>and I don't even know how to get there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's around you?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Is it Famous Ray's?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No. It's Original Ray's.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Famous Original Ray's?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: It's just Original, Jerry!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, what street are you on?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect
|
|
with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive
|
|
no matter what occurs, I will find you!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Aah!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry leaves.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry finds a man waiting by his car.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: You Steinfeld?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I
|
|
sent one of my girls over to your place.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Cindy.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: She says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to
|
|
do.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie,
|
|
aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter--</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get
|
|
my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Give it to the girl. I'm an independent
|
|
contractor. Tax purposes.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is sitting on her couch flipping through a magazine. She's
|
|
on the phone.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because
|
|
sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been
|
|
out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone.
|
|
Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy?
|
|
(sighs) All right, here we go. (coughing) Gammy doesn't feel so
|
|
good. I think</p>
|
|
<p>Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Ok. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call
|
|
anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go.</p>
|
|
<p>Bobby dials 911.</p>
|
|
<p>BOBBY: 9-1-1.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry is driving down the street when he sees Cindy walking on
|
|
the sidewalk.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: What do you want?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Here. I got your money.</p>
|
|
<p>CINDY: I don't want any money from you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya.</p>
|
|
<p>A police cruiser pulls up with lights on.</p>
|
|
<p>POLICE: Looking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the
|
|
car, sickie?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, this is all very sophisticated.</p>
|
|
<p>INT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine is sitting on the sofa reading when there is a pounding
|
|
on the door. The door bursts open and some fire fighters run in.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>FIREMAN: All right, hang on, Gammy! You're gonna make it! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Aah!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer is waiting near a phone booth with a suitcase. A car pulls
|
|
up. It's Maxwell. </p>
|
|
<p>MAXWELL: Hey, you look a little lost. You from around here?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, no.</p>
|
|
<p>MAXWELL: You know where you're going?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Not really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I
|
|
don't know where he is.</p>
|
|
<p>MAXWELL: Doesn't sound like much of a friend. You got any money?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, no.</p>
|
|
<p>MAXWELL: You wanna make some?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ok.</p>
|
|
<p>MAXWELL: Do you know how to use a mop wringer?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>MAXWELL: Why don't you get in the car?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer hops in.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hi. Ahh...these are soft seats.</p>
|
|
<p>The two drive off.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. KRUGER'S OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING</p>
|
|
<p>KRUGER: Hey, Koko, Who's this?</p>
|
|
<p>INT. MEETING ROOM - NIGHT</p>
|
|
<p>Everyone is gathered again around the conference table. George
|
|
is standing introducing the newest employee.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: This is our new Vice-president of Acquisitions, sir.</p>
|
|
<p>KRUGER: So you're just hiring new people now? That's your job,
|
|
to hire people?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes?</p>
|
|
<p>KRUGER: Ok, good enough for me, Koko.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George sits down.</p>
|
|
<p>KRUGER: Ahem. Now, what's your name?</p>
|
|
<p>COCO: My name is Coco. Coco Higgins.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Coco?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>KRUGER: We can't have 2 Cocos. So I guess you're back to being
|
|
George.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, it was a hell of a ride.</p>
|
|
<p>KRUGER: All right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the
|
|
front. How do we get it off?</p>
|
|
<p>COCO: When I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to
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take a wet rag and in a circ--</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about
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your Gammy.</p>
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<p>COCO: What did you say about my Gammy?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Forget Gammy.</p>
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<p>KRUGER: Who's Gammy?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: There's no Gammy.</p>
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<p>KRUGER: Maybe there should be a Gammy.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, no.</p>
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<p>KRUGER: George.</p>
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<p>ALL (chanting): Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy!
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</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Gammy's gettin' upset!</p>
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<p><Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<!-- content -->
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
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</script>
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</div>
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<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<ul>
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<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
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<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
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<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
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<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
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<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
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<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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|
}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
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<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
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}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
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|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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|
window.location = locationstring;
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|
}
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|
-->
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|
</script>
|
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<div class="footer">
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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</div>
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|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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})();
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</script></body>
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<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
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