1238 lines
46 KiB
HTML
1238 lines
46 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Masseuse</h1>
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<br>
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Transcribed by Christian Fecteau<br>
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Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
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<small>(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</small> <br>
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</p>
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<p align="left"><br>
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[Setting: Night club]<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: If there's a serial killer lose in your neighborhood, it seems
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like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor.
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The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? "Oh,
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he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed
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by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming,
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fine. Just keep the music down. And % these women who always fall in love
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with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's
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hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped
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killing people and she goes: "You know sometimes I feel like I don't
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even know who you are anymore".<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[setting: Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment]<br>
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<br>
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(Elaine's on the phone with Jerry)<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: No eight years isn't such a long streak.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: It isn't?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: No I haven't vomited in thirteen years.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Get out!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Not since June 29, 1980.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: You remember the date?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's
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why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe
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it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again."<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years,
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I was wondering if he was normal.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same
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name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Yeah... (2 co-workers enter Elaine's office) Oh Jer, I gotta go.
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I gotta go. (she hangs up)<br>
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<br>
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JOANNE: Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Oh, yeah?<br>
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<br>
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JOANNE: Yeah. What's his name?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Joel...<br>
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<br>
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JOANNE: Joel what?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Uh... Rifkin.<br>
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<br>
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MICHAEL: Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.<br>
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<br>
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MICHAEL: Guess you better keep on his good side.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Very funny. That's very funny.<br>
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<br>
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JOANNE: I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough.<br>
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<br>
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MICHAEL: Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk
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of his car...<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: (she's upset, gets up and yells) OK look this is my boyfriend
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we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's
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a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about
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him! Shut up!<br>
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<br>
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(scene ends)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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[setting: Jerry's]<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and
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I am dating a Joel Rifkin.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: But you like your Joel Rifkin.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Yeah. I just wish he has a different name.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Ask him to change it.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: You can't ask a person to change their name.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Why not?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Would you change yours?<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
(Kramer enters)<br>
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|
<br>
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ELAINE: Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah. Eighteen strangles.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted.
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(saying it as he's taking a lot of paper towels from Jerry's roll; Elaine
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and Jerry are confused at Kramer's statement) Just like Son of Sam was
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adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing. (Kramer leaves
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and we don't know why he needed so much paper towels)<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: You know Joel and I have an extra ticket to the Giants game.<br>
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<br>
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(Jerry doesn't have the time to open his mouth before Kramer pops in again)<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: I'll go.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: O.K. I'll leave the ticket for you at will call.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Yeah! Ooh! (leaves again)<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: You think I should have asked George?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Hey did you hear that George got back with Karen?<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Karen?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Risotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George
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that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with
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him)<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Oh! The Risotto broad.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling
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with them tonight.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: I tought you didn't like double dates.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: George likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He
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likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his
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nondate personality.<br>
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<br>
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|
ELAINE: I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the
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blinds.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: He feels he's funnier, more relaxed.<br>
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<br>
|
|
ELAINE: And you're taking...<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Jody the masseuse.<br>
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<br>
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ELAINE: Hey, did you get a massage yet?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a
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|
massage?<br>
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|
<br>
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ELAINE: Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them
|
|
on dates.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: So what?<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Well it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots,
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|
but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
[setting: The Chinese restaurant (the same as in 'The Chinese Restaurant')]<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
(Jerry, Jody, Karen and George sitting at a table. Yes! They got a table!)<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<br>
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GEORGE: (George is telling a story. Karen is laughing and she seems to
|
|
be the only one to find him funny) So I go into this clothing store and
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the saleswoman is wearing this (whistling) low cut thing. So I said to
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her: "Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that,
|
|
what's your tought process? What's going on in your mind?"<br>
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|
<br>
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KAREN: That is so funny.<br>
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|
<br>
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GEORGE: (to Jody) You're listening to this?<br>
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<br>
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JODI: Yeah. I heard you.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: (to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender
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|
over here.<br>
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<br>
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|
JODI: (to George) So what did she say?<br>
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|
<br>
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GEORGE: Well nothing. I didn't actually say that. (Karen is still laughing)<br>
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<br>
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JODI: You just said that you said it.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KAREN: I'm learning a lot about you tonight George. I've never seen you
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|
like this.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: (touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on
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|
wires back here.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: You know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting
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|
a traffic ticket.<br>
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|
<br>
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JODI: How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you
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|
saying she's not attractive?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Well I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast
|
|
rules. (to the waitress) Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart.<br>
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|
<br>
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JODI: (to Jerry) Can we go?<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Yeah. Let's go.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KAREN: So soon? (they get up)<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KAREN: Yeah.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JODI: Nice meeting you Karen.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
KAREN: Yeah. Nice to meet you too and I'm gonna call you about that massage.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JODI: Oh yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Jody let's do this agian real soon (he tends his arms for a hug
|
|
but she avoids him)<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JODI: Yeah. (she and Jerry walk away)<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
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|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
[setting: Jerry's place later that night]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(Jerry and Jody are sitting next to each other on the couch, watching
|
|
TV)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I strained my neck last night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: Really, how?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head
|
|
from side to side. It didn't work.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: So what's the deal with your friend George?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No deal. Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: What was all that "attractive women not getting tickets"
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|
nonsense?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: He was just showcasing his nondate pesonality.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: I don't know how you can hang out with that guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand
|
|
and put it on his shoulder)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: Did you see the way that he was eating?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder.
|
|
She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching TV)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: I have to tell you, I really don't like him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other
|
|
shoulder)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: It's just I hate that type.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah, he's a bad seed.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: Now you however, you, I like. (she stops massaging and kisses Jerry)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: What do you think I'm doing? (he won't get his massage...)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
[setting: The Chinese restaurant]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(George and Karen are still at the table, they're about to leave)<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: So, what do you think?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: Really enjoyed it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Jody's nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: She's very nice. (grabs George's hand) Let's discuss this later.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You think she liked me? She seemed to like me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: Yeah<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I was personable. Don't you think I was personable?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: You were *extremely* personable.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I tought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this.
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|
Did you pick up anything?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: I didn't pick up anything.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: The second time I sent the noodle back, I tought she made a face...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: I didn't see a face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I tought I saw a face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: Anyhow, what is the difference?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: George, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you
|
|
know... (she makes a move with her head like George did in 'The Mango'
|
|
while saying: "instead of the movie...")<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: He he he he<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: Ah ah ah ah<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So you think she likes me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(Karen gives up and slams her forehead down on the table)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: Elaine's place]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(She's sitting on the couch, reading, and Joel is coming quietly behind
|
|
her to massage her neck.)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (as he touches her) Uhh! What are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Massaging your neck.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Uh, boning up on football? (talking about the magazine she's reading
|
|
as he sits beside her)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Dion
|
|
these days. What a cool name, Dion. If I were gonna change my name, I'd
|
|
go with Dion.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Dion Benes?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was
|
|
you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever--
|
|
Dion Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: D-Dion Rifkin?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well maybe you're not the Dion type. O.K. then let's see, let's
|
|
see, what do we got? (looking at the magazine, she starts to gasp and
|
|
loses it) Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name,
|
|
it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.!
|
|
Please, it would be so great!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Elaine! What is going on?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: Monk's]<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
(Jerry and George at a booth)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: She stayed over?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. (disappointed)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: The sex wasn't so good?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No. The sex was fabulous.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I want the massage!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Did you ask her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it
|
|
away immediately, she's not into it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Why not?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So we had a good time... the four of us.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What did Jodi say?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: She had a good time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Is that it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Pretty much.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Did she say anything about, uh...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Nah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You just hesitated.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I was blowing on the coffee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: She didn't like me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Look it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with
|
|
her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So she doesn't like me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: She said that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: She told you she doesn't like me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What were her exact--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: "I don't like him."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Not everybody likes everybody!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You were very nice!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said
|
|
about her sister?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It has nothing to do with her sister.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I don't even know her sister but believe me, if she's getting
|
|
traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: hall in Jerry's building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(George and Jerry are coming back from Monk's)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You vomited in 1987.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh no. That was the dry heaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(Jodi is in front of Jerry's door)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Jodi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: Hey, Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like: it's so great to be all here)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What are you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: I was giving Kramer a massage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: I got to run. I have an appointment downtown.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Here. Let me take your tabe downstairs for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: No that's O.K.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Please give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do.
|
|
Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and
|
|
she has no choice but to follow him)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer
|
|
comes out of his in a bathrobe)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Hey! I am looser than creamed corn!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Who told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage
|
|
from her yet!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: You don't know what you're missing buddy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(they enter Jerry's apartment)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: street in front of Jerry's building]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(George and Jodi)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched.
|
|
I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into
|
|
themselves to just pick me up. (a cab stops) All right, here we go. Let
|
|
me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here
|
|
we are all righty. O.K. Jodi let's get together again real soon and say
|
|
hello to your sister for me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: You've never met. (the cab starts and George is following to keep
|
|
talking to Jodi)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Whatever. Believe me, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't
|
|
mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. (we see, from
|
|
the camera inside the cab, George's hand waving as the cab drives away)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: Jerry's apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(Kramer is lying on the couch as Jerry is cutting a block of cheese on
|
|
the kitchen counter)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First
|
|
she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean
|
|
sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil
|
|
over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs
|
|
with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs
|
|
it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause)
|
|
ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain
|
|
yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So you had a good time.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh... yeah...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Enjoyed yourself.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Very... much...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: All right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's
|
|
legs and throws him down the couch)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The massages are out!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Wha--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ahh!!! They're out!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Why?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see
|
|
I'm burned out!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
JERRY: I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Don't you ever talk about her like that!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: But why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That's final!!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Ah!!! Yahh!!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: Giants Stadium]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(Elaine and Joel)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, you have photos in your wallet?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Yeah. Why? Is that weird?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, it's normal. You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's
|
|
this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: That's my mother.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh yeah. I see the resemblance.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: No, there's no resemblance.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, there is, right here you see--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Elaine, I was adopted.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (pause) Oh. That's nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: The game's about to start. I wonder where your friend Kramer is.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: ticket counter]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: (to the ticket man) Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TICKET MAN: Here it is. I need some I.D.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, yeah. (snaps fingers) You know, I forgot my wallet.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TICKET MAN: Well, I can't give it to you then.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Are you kidding me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TICKET MAN: I'm afraid not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TICKET MAN: I'm sorry. I need proof.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got
|
|
nothing to do all day.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
TICKET MAN: Neither do I. But without I.D., I need confirmation from the
|
|
person who left the ticket.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Where is a phone?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: back to Elaine and Joel watching the game]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Would
|
|
Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin...telephone. (the
|
|
crowd stops cheering and we see a football player distracted from the
|
|
game while hearing the announcer saying Joel Rifkin)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Who would be calling me here? (he stands up and look around)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (to the person in front of her) He's not the murderer.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: Jerry's apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(Kramer enters, moaning)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh, God.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What's the matter with you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Jerry, I need another massage!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Because of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know
|
|
what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh please.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into
|
|
the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! It's killing
|
|
me Jerry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, did you get the ball?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Oh I got the ball.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, It's quite a thrill.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why don't you get somebody else?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Because nobody does it like she does. She's the best.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No "if
|
|
and's or but's".<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: What about my massage?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ask Newman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: Monk's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(George and Karen at a booth)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way
|
|
down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: Of course.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's
|
|
seen a massage table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: What, do you think I've never had a massage before?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: George, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I wanna know what I did to this woman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: What, you got a little thing for her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous
|
|
that we should try and like each other.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you?
|
|
Does everybody in the world have to like you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: Elaine's apartment]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(Elaine and Joel sitting on the couch)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Of course I support your decision to change your name.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: After the Giant game I realized that this--this problem isn't going
|
|
away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, listen, I just want you to know that I was more than willing
|
|
to stick it out with Joel Rifkin.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Sure?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (she fakes a strangling) RRR...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: O.K. you got your list?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah. Yeah. 10 names.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Right.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: O.K. And if somebody objects, you can just veto it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: O.K.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: O.K. You start. What's your first choice?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Stuart.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: (right away) No. Second choice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Stu--Stuart's no good?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I've never met a normal guy named Stuart.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: O-O.K. My second choice is... Todd.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
ELAINE: (repeating to hear how it sounds) Todd. (pause) No. Veto.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: All right. Oh, Hey, I think you're gonna like my first my third
|
|
choice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Great...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Alex.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I gotta tell you, I have a bad association with the name Alex.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Bad bad association?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he
|
|
was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh!".
|
|
I mean every two seconds: "Ahh!". And he would take like 40
|
|
sips and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to drop the class.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scnen ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: Jerry's place]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(Jerry is opening the door for Jodi. She has her massage table. New age
|
|
music is playing, and the lights are shaded)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: Hi. (kissing) I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop
|
|
off my stuff before I came over.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah, no problem. That's fine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: What's with this music?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing.
|
|
Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he
|
|
starts to install the table)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: What are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell
|
|
you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: Actually, I should get a new one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts her hand on his shoulder)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts
|
|
to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's,
|
|
uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his
|
|
shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice.
|
|
That's very nice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: (she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them
|
|
on his shoulders)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: I can't (she tries harder to pull her hands away)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No. Yes you can. (he hangs on)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: No, I can't!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Come on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder
|
|
and he falls right off the table)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: Karen's place]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(George and Karen are making out on the couch)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational.
|
|
Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. I just know if I
|
|
could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. (he grabs his jacket)
|
|
I've got to.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: You're going now?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I think I can still catch her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: All right George. I have had just about enough of this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: What? What are you talking about.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: I am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with
|
|
her!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I know. I know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't.
|
|
Who are you gonna pick?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (he thinks a little about it... and as he puts his hand on his
|
|
knee and gets up) I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't
|
|
stand when someone doesn't like me. (he opens the door)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KAREN: Well, now *I* hate you!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: That I'm used to. (he leaves)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: back to Elaine's place]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Ned?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What is wrong with Ned?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear. Next!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Ellis.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Ellis and Alex aren't even close.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: NEXT!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Ohh, what is the point?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: NO, NO. COME ON!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: O.K. O.K. Remy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, Stuart's a lot better! (talking like a baby) Little Stuart
|
|
Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JOEL: Grrrr!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(scene ends)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
[setting: back to Jerry's]<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What do you mean, no?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: No means no.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your
|
|
table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're
|
|
a massage teaser.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible
|
|
massage. (he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again
|
|
but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Fine. Go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
(George enters. He's staring at Jodi)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What for?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: We need to talk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: *You* need to talk?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: We have nothing to talk about.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Look it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She
|
|
doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of
|
|
me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: (he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry...
|
|
This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I can see that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JODI: I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don't call me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Don't worry. (she leaves)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You're a lucky guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I got to go after her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: George. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: JODI! (he starts running after her)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
(end of the show)<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
|
|
|
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