1033 lines
38 KiB
HTML
1033 lines
38 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Non Fat Yogurt</h1>
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<p align="left"><br>
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shane (shane@englishcampus.co.kr) [Shane's AFKN Comedy] <br>
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<br>
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Jerry I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You <br>
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know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total <br>
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it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the <br>
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check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm <br>
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doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people."<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Hmm!<br>
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<br>
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George Fantastic!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry I told you. How good is this?<br>
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<br>
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George Good.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry How good?<br>
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<br>
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George Very good.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine They got blue berries. And there's real blue berries. What <br>
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kind did you get?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and they put it <br>
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in.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Let me test-taste that.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Huh? Huh?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Hmm! Rico!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Suave! And it's non-fat!<br>
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<br>
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George See, how could this not have any fat? It's too good.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine You want to taste mine?<br>
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<br>
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George Oh, you want to taste mine.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine No, I don't.<br>
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<br>
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George Okay, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me <br>
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some of yours.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine All right, let's just forget it.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry You know, Kramer's going to clean up on this place.<br>
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<br>
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George What do you mean?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry He invested in it.<br>
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<br>
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George No kidding?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so <br>
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*beep*ing good.<br>
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<br>
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Lady Jerry!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Oh, I'm sorry.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little
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<br>
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bit more, okay?<br>
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<br>
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George Oh, god. Look who's here.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Who is it?<br>
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<br>
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George This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a <br>
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big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Oh, really?<br>
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<br>
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Lloyd Hey, George!<br>
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<br>
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George Hey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry.<br>
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<br>
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L&J Hi!<br>
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<br>
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Lloyd So, I hear you're living back home now?<br>
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<br>
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George Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.<br>
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<br>
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Lloyd Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place, <br>
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huh? Something wrong with your arm?<br>
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<br>
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George Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped my elbow on a <br>
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desk and injured something. And now it sort of moves <br>
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involuntarily.<br>
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<br>
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Lloyd Wow, that's a bitch, huh? <br>
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<br>
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Lloyd So, how are your parents doing?<br>
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<br>
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George Oh, pretty good.<br>
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<br>
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Lloyd This place does some business, huh?<br>
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<br>
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George Yeah, this is my first time here.<br>
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<br>
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Lloyd Hey, she's a doll.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Hi!<br>
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<br>
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George Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Hi!<br>
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<br>
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Lloyd Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Nice to meet you, too!<br>
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<br>
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Lloyd Well, I'm really sorry I got to run now. Well, take it easy, <br>
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huh, George?<br>
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<br>
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George Yeah! Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Boy, he is really cute!<br>
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<br>
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George He's a jerk.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry He's gone, George.<br>
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<br>
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George All right. All right.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer So, there were a lot of people there, huh?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry They're doing an incredible business.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry How did you know?<br>
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<br>
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Kramer Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable <br>
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texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Yeah?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Buzz me.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Oh. Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed <br>
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like ten new minutes. <br>
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<br>
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Kramer Yeah, but did you tape it?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. <br>
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|
Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your <br>
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feet up?<br>
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<br>
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Kramer Yes!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Hey!<br>
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<br>
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Kramer Hey!<br>
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<br>
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Jerry What's the matter?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork.<br>
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<br>
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|
Jerry Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a
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<br>
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person could still make a mistake like that.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer Yow!<br>
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<br>
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Elaine What?<br>
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|
<br>
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Kramer Well, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you look like you put on <br>
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five, ten pounds. <br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<br>
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|
Jerry Kramer!<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Kramer I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky <br>
|
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yourself, buddy.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Me?<br>
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<br>
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Kramer Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry No.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Where's your bathroom scale? Oh my god, I've gained seven <br>
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pounds.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry I've gained eight.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer I told you.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 <br>
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pounds?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry How did I gain eight?<br>
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|
<br>
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Elaine I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I <br>
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haven't been eating anything different.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that <br>
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yogurt.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer No, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Well, how else could this have happened?<br>
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<br>
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Kramer Well, maybe it's the Oreos.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine I don't eat Oreos.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open? <br>
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|
You're ~ practically having sex with them.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry What about me?<br>
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<br>
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Kramer You? You're getting old.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer Oh, guess again, Tubby!<br>
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|
<br>
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Elaine Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of <br>
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|
thing.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine Gasp! I've got it.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer What?<br>
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<br>
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Elaine I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if that yogurt has fat in it,
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I <br>
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will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry Well, let's start the insanity.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Kramer Giddy-up!<br>
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|
<br>
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Dad Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy <br>
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|
Tune dancing?<br>
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|
<br>
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George No.<br>
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<br>
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Mom I like tap dancing.<br>
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<br>
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Dad Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.<br>
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<br>
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Mom Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people.<br>
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|
<br>
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George What's for supper?<br>
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<br>
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Mom Somebody's at the door.<br>
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<br>
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Dad Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.<br>
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<br>
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|
Mom Lloyd?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Lloyd Hello, Mrs. Costanza.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Mom Georgie, Lloyd Braun is here.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Dad Hey! Lloyd!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Mom What are you doing here?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Lloyd Well, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother, and <br>
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|
so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello".<br>
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<br>
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Mom Georgie. Come here and say hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Dad How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for <br>
|
|
Dinkins now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd That's right. Hey, George.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
George Hey, Lloyd. How's it going?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Lloyd I ran into George yesterday in the city.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Mom Ow! What's the matter with you?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Lloyd So, uh, how's the arm, huh?<br>
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|
<br>
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George Oh, it's good. It's good.<br>
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|
<br>
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Mom What's the matter with your arm?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George Nothing.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Lloyd Oh, his arm moves like this.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Dad Your arm moves like this?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George Yeah.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Dad I never seen your arm move like this.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Mom Me, either.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George Well, it comes and goes.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Dad It's like some kind of a spasm.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Lloyd Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists, <br>
|
|
and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for <br>
|
|
you. Dr. Dekter.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mom Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Dad You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You <br>
|
|
discussed George with the mayor of New York?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Mom Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
George You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor - there's really <br>
|
|
nothing they can do.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Dad Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what <br>
|
|
kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
George All right. All right. I'll go.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Lloyd Well, that's great. And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the
|
|
<br>
|
|
diagnosis.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. Okay. <br>
|
|
I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have <br>
|
|
to drive there.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry And they said they can do it?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Jerry All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a <br>
|
|
specimen.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine Hm-hmm.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Lady Well, I hope you're satisfied.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Jerry What?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Lady Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*, *beep*, <br>
|
|
*beep*. You know what he said to me five minutes ago? <br>
|
|
Where's my *beep*ing cupcake?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Gee, I'm really sorry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lady He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe <br>
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|
you could talk to him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry I'd be happy to.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lady Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt <br>
|
|
at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lady No *beep*ing way!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd Well, it was very nice seeing you again.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mom Oh, it was good seeing you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw <br>
|
|
you with the other day?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Oh, uh, just a friend of mine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Mom You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd She is. She is. How about giving me her number?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mom She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine Benice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd Oh, great. Thanks a lot!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Yeah!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd So long.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mom Bye! Oh, that Lloyd Braun. He is something, isn't he?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!"
|
|
And I <br>
|
|
sent her to the back of the line!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Hello, Newman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And <br>
|
|
it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my <br>
|
|
whole life! And it's finally here!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Owner Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities
|
|
<br>
|
|
around my son, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, <br>
|
|
right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Owner That's right. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine 'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have
|
|
<br>
|
|
any fat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Owner Yeah, well, there is no fat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry How's it doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Not too good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry So what.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer It changes the molecules.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking <br>
|
|
back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbie Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Yeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbie No! You know, this is going to take a couple of days.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine That's okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Hello, there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbette Hello!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry What do you got there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbie Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a <br>
|
|
cholesterol work up on it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Okay, I'm done.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbette It was really nice meeting you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Well, the pleasure's all mine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry You can't take that chemist out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Why not?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Well, I think the whole thing stinks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry That's enough.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Well, with the smells.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. <br>
|
|
He's just trying to humiliate me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Uh-huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office <br>
|
|
doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. <br>
|
|
This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Hey!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
G&J Hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine So, guess who called me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine We're going out tomorrow night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell <br>
|
|
him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving <br>
|
|
involuntarily ever since.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine I can't say that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Why not?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George So, you're taking his side?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always <br>
|
|
have that between us.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Already you're marrying this guy?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine You never know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? <br>
|
|
Every time we see you you're going to be walking around <br>
|
|
going like this? Even you can't keep that up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry No, I believe he can.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lady Hi!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Hi!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lady You know Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Son Of course, he's the funny *beep*er.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lady See!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Listen, Matthew, I want to explain something to you. Now, <br>
|
|
cursing is not something that most comedians do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Son You did it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it <br>
|
|
since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue <br>
|
|
cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you <br>
|
|
grow up. Excuse me one second.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Yeah, yeah. Big advisor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine He tells him which soap to use.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry What the *beep* are you doing? You little piece of *beep*.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbette Shh! We don't want to disturb the security guard.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Where's the lights. Whoa!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbette How about this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Yeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste? It's Cappuccino.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbette It's delicious.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer I hear you.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbette Non-fat?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Labbette No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Well, this is in case there's a tie!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and <br>
|
|
it's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a <br>
|
|
spasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for <br>
|
|
mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody <br>
|
|
should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd Name tags, hmm?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a <br>
|
|
small town.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd Maybe I'll mention that to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Really? Wow!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd You sure you don't want any yogurt?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine No, I'm watching my weight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd Well, it's nonfat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Yeah, so they say.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Lloyd Well, should we go?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Yeah. Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? <br>
|
|
Because he thinks I'm too fat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry He said that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm <br>
|
|
around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on <br>
|
|
one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a <br>
|
|
lot of woman!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry No, but I expect to hear anytime.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Why do you say that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine No. What about him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer You didn't hear?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Un-huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear <br>
|
|
name tags.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Name tags?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another.<br>
|
|
Jerry Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw <br>
|
|
wilding today? Herb!"<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has <br>
|
|
already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really? Okay, thank you <br>
|
|
very much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Yeow!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. I <br>
|
|
can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Please, doctor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor I've examined you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Yes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor I've looked at your X-rays.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Uh-huh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Hmm. Really? Nothing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor No, not really.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George How so?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see <br>
|
|
doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's <br>
|
|
absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person <br>
|
|
would do a thing like that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor I don't know what kind of a person would do something like <br>
|
|
that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. <br>
|
|
A person who has no regard for wasting other people's <br>
|
|
valuable time. Good-bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Now, see here, doctor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Doctor I said, good-bye.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Fine. Ow!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to <br>
|
|
be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, <br>
|
|
look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
News Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received <br>
|
|
some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned <br>
|
|
out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the <br>
|
|
minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another <br>
|
|
development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd <br>
|
|
Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag <br>
|
|
fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy <br>
|
|
Giuliani is about to make a statement.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Giuliani It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I
|
|
<br>
|
|
normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I <br>
|
|
exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that <br>
|
|
I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even <br>
|
|
know it. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Now look what you've done.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry Well, we've got to do something. I'm calling Giuliani's <br>
|
|
headquarters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks <br>
|
|
anybody would be interested in an idea like that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dad I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags. <br>
|
|
Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How
|
|
are <br>
|
|
you doing, Joe?" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought <br>
|
|
you said it went away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. And . . .<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mom Be quiet. They're starting the press conference.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Giuliani My campaign staff has received some very disturbing <br>
|
|
information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being <br>
|
|
sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm <br>
|
|
elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a <br>
|
|
special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, <br>
|
|
my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do <br>
|
|
everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat <br>
|
|
yogurt.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George Phew!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Oh, it stinks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Mine, too. I got one more day. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry I can't eat this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry It had fat in it, it's not good for you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to <br>
|
|
interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get <br>
|
|
even with you for this. You can count on it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. Apparently <br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his <br>
|
|
cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially <br>
|
|
reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt <br>
|
|
scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the <br>
|
|
election for the Republican. It was the one issue which <br>
|
|
seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine I wonder what actually happened in that lab.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer Yeah, me, too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Newman I can't eat this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Boy Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat *beep*!<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<p
|
|
align="center"> </p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
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|
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<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
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<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|