1061 lines
30 KiB
HTML
1061 lines
30 KiB
HTML
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<pre>[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Written by: Larry David
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Episode no. 18
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pc: 301, season 3, episode 1
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Broadcast date: September 18, 1991
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Cast
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Regulars:
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer
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Guest Stars:
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Ralph Bruneau.................... Lloyd
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Terri Hanauer.................... Julianna
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Jeff Lester...................... Raymond
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Flo Di Re........................ Receptionist
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Liz Georges...................... Pam
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Paul Rogers...................... Man in Waiting Room
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Dale Raoul....................... Dental Patient
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Joshua Liebling.................. Billy
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Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he
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good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best.
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There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these
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classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend,
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"You should see my doctor, he's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the
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absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him.
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He's just, he's a butcher. The man's a butcher."? And then there's always
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that, "Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." Why? What's
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the difference? He's a doctor. What is it, "Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I'll give
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you the real medicine. Everybody else, I'm giving Tic-Tacs."
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First scene.
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Jerry is getting a massage.
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Julianna: ...And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat
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whatever I want.
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Jerry: What do you think the worst part of being blind is?
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Julianna: Excuse me?
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Jerry: You know, if you were blind what do you think the worst part of it would
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be?
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Julianna: I don't know.
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Jerry: I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food.
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How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around
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with my lips and my tongue.
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Julianna: Well that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater.
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Jerry: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in
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Pennsylvania?
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Julianna: No.
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Jerry: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next
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thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
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Julianna: Oh.
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Jerry: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And
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these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one
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of these people.
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Julianna (visibly uncomfortable): Have you seen any good movies?
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Jerry: Who takes care of your boy during the day?
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Julianna: We have a woman. Why?
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Jerry: No no. I'm just saying.
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Julianna: She had references.
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Jerry: I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the
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ones that forge them. You know I think this is really helping.
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Julianna: I don't live near here, ya know!
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New scene.
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Jerry, Elaine and George are at Jerry's apartment.
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Jerry: So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.
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Elaine: I don't like to talk during a massage.
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Jerry: Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.
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George: Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel
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like I don't deserve it so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it. There's
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nothing to eat in here.
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Elaine: Oh! I forgot to tell you--
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Jerry: I'm in the middle of a story.
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Elaine: Okay, go ahead.
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George: Why don't you ever go shopping?
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Jerry: Not like it's a really funny story or anything.
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Elaine: What happened?
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Jerry: Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and the for some reason I
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launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.
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Elaine: Oh, wasn't that terrible?
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Jerry: Yes, it was.
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George: Not even an apple.
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Elaine: She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid.
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Jerry: I know it was stupid.
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Elaine: Really stupid.
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Jerry: Hey, I just said it was stupid.
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George: What about this leftover Chinese food?
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Jerry: Take it.
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Elaine: I can't believe you said that.
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Jerry: Hey, would you stop it already?
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Elaine: So, what did she say?
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Jerry: I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid.
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George: This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't
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understand how anyone can eat ginger.
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Elaine: I have a good masseuse you could go to.
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Jerry: Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical
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therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real
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medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by
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insurance.
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George: Physical therapy is covered by insurance?
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Jerry: Yeah.
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George: You don't have to pay for the massage?
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Jerry: Not if you have a doctor's note.
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Elaine: So where do you get this note?
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Jerry: Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could
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probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist.
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George: Right, your friend Roy.
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Elaine: What's the name of this physical therapist?
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Jerry: I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little
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off.
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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George: And you don't have to pay.
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New scene.
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George and Elaine are at the physical therapist's office.
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George: We have three-o'clock appointments.
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Receptionist: George and Elaine, right? Could you fill these out for me
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please? And Elaine, you'll be seeing Julianna, and George, you'll be with
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Raymond.
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George: Excuse me, did you say 'Raymond'?
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Receptionist: Yes.
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George: But, uh, Raymond is a man.
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Receptionist: That's right.
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George sits down slowly, letting this sink in.
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George: I can't get a massage from a man.
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Elaine: Why not?
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George: What, are you crazy? I can't have a man touching me. Switch with me.
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Elaine: No, I don't want the man either.
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George: What's the difference, you're a woman. They're supposed to be touching
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you.
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Elaine: He'd just be touching your back.
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George: He'd just be touching your back too.
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Elaine: No, it could get sexual.
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George: I know. That's the point. If it's gonna get sexual, it should get
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sexual with you.
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Elaine: I wouldn't be comfortable.
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George: I would? What if something happens?
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Elaine: What could happen?
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George: What if it felt good?
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Elaine: It's supposed to feel good.
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George: I don't want it to feel good.
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Elaine: Then why get the massage?
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George: Exactly!
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A man walks up dressed in white.
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Raymond: George?
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George: Yes?
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Raymond: I'm Raymond.
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George: Hello.
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Raymond: Are you ready?
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George gets up cautiously and walks with Raymond.
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New scene.
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George is on the table getting a massage from Raymond. George appears extremely
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uncomfortable.
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Raymond: ...And then Julianna asked me if I wanted to join her here in the
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office.
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George: Really.
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Raymond: I used to be a flight attendant.
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George: Oh boy.
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Raymond: Ya know, why don't you open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier
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that way.
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George loosens his pants, Raymond grabs them and yanks then down his hips then
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starts massaging his lower back.
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Raymond: So what do you do?
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George: What?
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Raymond: I said, 'What do you do?'.
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George: I don't know.
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Raymond: You don't know what you do?
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George: Nah.
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Raymond: Oh, come on. Hey, you're very tense.
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George: Coffee. Too much coffee.
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Raymond: Okay, just take off those pants now, I'll work the hamstring.
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George: Oh, the hamstring's fine.
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Raymond: But you wrote that it was tender.
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George: I wrote. Pfft, *I* wrote.
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Raymond: I'll check it out.
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George: Are you sure?
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Raymond: Yeah, take 'em off.
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George gets up to remove his pants, he looks over and sees Raymond rubbing his
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hands with oil. Nervous, George pulls his pants down and climbs back on the
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table. As soon as Raymond touches his leg, George becomes rigid with
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discomfort.
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Raymond: How did you hurt this?
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George: I don't know.
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Raymond: You don't know?
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George: No.
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Raymond: But you just told me--
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George: Korea.
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Raymond: You hurt it in Korea?
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George: What?
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Raymond: The hamstring.
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George: Korea.
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Raymond: How?
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George: Hamstring.
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Raymond: How did you hurt the hamstring?
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George: Hotel.
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New scene.
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Elaine is in the waiting room, George walks out very slowly, he appears
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positively shell-shocked.
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Elaine: How'd it go? George?
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George walks right out the door, ignoring Elaine.
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New scene.
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Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.
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Jerry: No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about
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Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway.
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George enters acting nervous.
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Jerry: What's with you?
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George: A...
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Jerry: Yes, A...?
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George: A man gave me...
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Jerry: Yes, a man gave you...?
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George: A man gave me... a massage.
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Jerry: So?
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George: So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...
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Jerry: He was what?!
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George: He was... touching and rubbing.
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Jerry: That's a massage.
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George: And then I took my pants off.
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Jerry: You took your pants off?
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<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
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George: For my hamstring.
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Jerry: Oh.
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George: He got about two inches from... there.
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Jerry: Really?
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George: I think it moved.
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Jerry: Moved?
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George: It may have moved, I don't know.
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Jerry: I'm sure it didn't move.
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George: It moved! It was imperceptible but I felt it.
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Jerry: Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other
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side.
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George: No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.
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Jerry: Okay, so what if it moved?
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George: That's the sign! The test; if a man makes it move.
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Jerry: That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of
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contact.
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George: You think it's contact? It has to be touched?
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Jerry: That's what a gym teacher once told me.
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Kramer enters.
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Kramer: Hey.
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Jerry: Hey.
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Kramer: I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I looked in there
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and there he was having coffee and a donut.
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Jerry: Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?
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Kramer: Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.
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Jerry: I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut he goes to a fancy restaurant
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or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts.
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Kramer: Well maybe he likes Dinky Donuts.
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George: I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees
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might touch.
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Jerry: I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy
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smelly Dinky Donuts.
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Kramer: Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?
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Jerry: He can have a donut, but not at Dinky.
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George: I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man.
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Kramer: Look I'm telling-- (he does a double take and looks at George) I'm
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telling you, that was Joe DiMaggio.
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George: The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about
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this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.
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Jerry: I never said I'd do that.
|
|
|
|
George: What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not
|
|
working, I can't afford that.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I don't know how I feel about it.
|
|
|
|
George: Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Alright, alright.
|
|
|
|
Kramer: A stall man, huh?
|
|
|
|
|
|
New scene.
|
|
George and Jerry are in Roy's office.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: ...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write
|
|
us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine.
|
|
|
|
George: He didn't say he can't.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I mean, if you feel funny about it at all.
|
|
|
|
George: He doesn't feel funny.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: If he does.
|
|
|
|
George: Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: He feels funny. You don't have to do this.
|
|
|
|
George: He knows that!
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship?
|
|
|
|
George: Oh, can you be any more dramatic?
|
|
|
|
Roy: Don't be ridiculous. (Notices George looking at a poster on the wall)
|
|
Holyfield. He's a good friend of one of my patients. He's got a hell of a
|
|
body, doesn't he?
|
|
|
|
George: How would I know?
|
|
|
|
Roy: Do you like him?
|
|
|
|
George: What do you mean, like him?
|
|
|
|
Roy: Do you like him?
|
|
|
|
George: I mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but I don't like him.
|
|
|
|
Roy: How come you don't like him?
|
|
|
|
George: Why should I?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: What is the matter with you?
|
|
|
|
George: Nothing, why? You think something's wrong? Am I different?
|
|
|
|
Roy: So, you want the notes?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: You don't have to, really.
|
|
|
|
Roy: Nah nah, it's ok.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: We should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to
|
|
George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?
|
|
|
|
|
|
New scene.
|
|
Jerry and Elaine are at Jerry's apartment, Jerry is on the phone.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Well what about the week after? No appointments at all? (Jerry tries
|
|
to sit down on the couch, but Elaine is too close to the end and he has to
|
|
squeeze in between her and the arm to sit down) Can I at least just talk to her
|
|
so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one
|
|
innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman
|
|
is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you?
|
|
|
|
Elaine: What?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Well you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: Hey, you scrunched me. I sat down here first.
|
|
|
|
Kramer enters.
|
|
|
|
Kramer: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Uh huh.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: Joe DiMaggio?
|
|
|
|
Kramer: Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him
|
|
and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?
|
|
|
|
Kramer: That's right.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.
|
|
|
|
Kramer: Oh, he's a dunker.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: Why couldn't he be a dunker?
|
|
|
|
Kramer: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I'm uh, you know, like I'm
|
|
sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table, you know, to uh,
|
|
look up, you know, Like I'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the
|
|
table) You know, *bang* He wouldn't move. So then I start doing these yelping
|
|
noises. Like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. No reaction because
|
|
the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on
|
|
around him. See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: So then what?
|
|
|
|
Kramer: Well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or
|
|
they're gonna throw me out.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: Why didn't you just call out his name?
|
|
|
|
George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: What happened to you?
|
|
|
|
George: One of those kids called me a Mary.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: A what?
|
|
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
George: I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this.
|
|
(George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) They called me a Mary. So I
|
|
chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
|
|
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: Hey, George? What is this? (Elaine makes the same outstretched arm
|
|
motion) What is that? No really, what is that?
|
|
|
|
George heads for the bathroom, the phone rings, Kramer answers it, Jerry grabs
|
|
it from him.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god, how did this happen? What can I
|
|
do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under
|
|
investigation for insurance fraud.
|
|
|
|
Kramer (singing): ...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe,
|
|
Joe. Go, Joe...
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I told you.
|
|
|
|
George: Told me what?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I told you we shouldn't do it.
|
|
|
|
George: He didn't say anything.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You
|
|
should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have
|
|
got three notes.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: Three notes?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, you, me and George.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: You got me a note?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Yeah.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: But I got my own note.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: You what?
|
|
|
|
Elaine: I got a note from my gynecologist.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Why'd you do that?
|
|
|
|
Elaine: I didn't know you were getting me a note.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Of course I was getting you a note.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: But you didn't say anything.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Neither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from
|
|
two doctors.
|
|
|
|
Kramer: How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot
|
|
of other stuff. Oh, yeah.
|
|
|
|
Kramer leaves.
|
|
|
|
|
|
New scene.
|
|
Jerry and George are at Roy's office.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Hi Pam.
|
|
|
|
Pam: Hello.
|
|
|
|
George: Hello.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I just thought maybe I could talk to Roy.
|
|
|
|
Roy walks in.
|
|
|
|
Roy: Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... Hi.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Hi Roy.
|
|
|
|
George: How ya doing?
|
|
|
|
Roy: Come on back, I have a patient but she's under.
|
|
|
|
|
|
New scene.
|
|
Roy, Jerry and George are talking over a woman sleeping in a dental chair.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I don't even know what to say.
|
|
|
|
George: Me neither.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I knew this would happen.
|
|
|
|
George: Me too.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I mean the whole thing, it's just...
|
|
|
|
George: Tragic.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Well it's not tragic.
|
|
|
|
George: No?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: No, it's...
|
|
|
|
George: Unsettling?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Okay. I mean, what if the--
|
|
|
|
Pam walks in and interrupts.
|
|
|
|
Pam: I hope you're both happy.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I'm not happy.
|
|
|
|
George: Me neither. I've never been happy.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not now.
|
|
|
|
George: In college, maybe. Those were fun times.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, college was fun.
|
|
|
|
Pam walks in again and interjects.
|
|
|
|
Pam: You know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that?
|
|
|
|
Roy: Don't mind her.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Oh please, I love her.
|
|
|
|
George: I've just met her but I'm very impressed.
|
|
|
|
Roy: I can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: What's the next move, what's gonna happen now?
|
|
|
|
Roy: Well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along
|
|
with our story.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: What? The physical therapist? Why?
|
|
|
|
Roy: She just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem.
|
|
|
|
The woman in the chair wakes up and looks at Jerry and George.
|
|
|
|
George: How ya doing?
|
|
|
|
|
|
New scene.
|
|
Jerry and George are at Julianna's office.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Hi. Look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important
|
|
that I talk with Julianna.
|
|
|
|
Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not it.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, I know she's mad at me but I really have to speak with her.
|
|
|
|
Receptionist: I told you, she's not here.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: You don't understand.
|
|
|
|
receptionist: Look, you have to leave.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Wait a second, don't you-- (Julianna walks up with her child) Hi. Hi.
|
|
Look, I don't know what you--
|
|
|
|
Julianna: Please!
|
|
|
|
Jerry: --but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is
|
|
inadvertently sent an insurance--
|
|
|
|
Julianna: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
|
|
|
|
Julianna (releasing her child): Run Billy! Run to the office and close the
|
|
door! (to the receptionist) Call the police!
|
|
|
|
Julianna then runs down the hall.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: The police?
|
|
|
|
Raymond the masseuse walks up.
|
|
|
|
Raymond: Hi George.
|
|
|
|
George: Hello.
|
|
|
|
Jerry (to George): Raymond?
|
|
|
|
|
|
New scene.
|
|
Elaine, Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: Well, I mean it's only six months probation, it's a slap on the wrist.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.
|
|
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
George: Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll
|
|
be in the middle.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: Of what? Oh.
|
|
|
|
George: And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I say "Get out of here!
|
|
What do you want? You don't belong here!"
|
|
|
|
Elaine: What do they do?
|
|
|
|
George: They talk back. They go, "Hey George, how's it going?" I say, "Get
|
|
the hell out of here!"
|
|
|
|
Jerry spots Kramer through the window.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention)
|
|
Maybe it's time you got as different hobby.
|
|
|
|
Kramer enters and sits at the booth.
|
|
|
|
Kramer: I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.
|
|
|
|
The three all put down their coffee cups simultaneously.
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Did he say anything?
|
|
|
|
Kramer: No no, he's fine.
|
|
|
|
Jerry (noticing something across the coffee shop): Oh my god, it's...
|
|
|
|
George (looking over): Joe DiMaggio.
|
|
|
|
Kramer: Where?
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Having a cup of coffee.
|
|
|
|
Elaine: He's dunking!
|
|
|
|
Jerry: Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper. Here.
|
|
|
|
George: You see? Now that is a handsome man. (Elaine and Jerry look right at
|
|
George) Oh please.
|
|
|
|
Kramer: Wait, wait. *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table) *bang*
|
|
(again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* See? I told you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Closing monologue.
|
|
|
|
What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I
|
|
think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're
|
|
constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think,
|
|
"Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into
|
|
some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman
|
|
goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how
|
|
you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him
|
|
in a sandal?'"</pre>
|
|
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