794 lines
41 KiB
HTML
794 lines
41 KiB
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<h1>The Old Man</h1>
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============================================================================</p>
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<p>Episode #418 </p>
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<p>Originally Aired: Thursday, February 18, 1993, 9:30PM</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Production Credits:</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman</p>
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<p>Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p>Teleplay By .......................... Larry Charles</p>
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<p>Story By ............................. Bruce Kirschbaum</p>
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<p>Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Cast:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)</p>
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<p>George Costanza ...................... Jason Alexander</p>
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<p>Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Drefus</p>
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<p>Kramer ............................... Michael Richards</p>
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<p>With:</p>
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<p>Newman ............................... Wayne Knight</p>
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<p>Sid Fields ........................... Bill Erwin</p>
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<p>Ron .................................. Tobin Bell</p>
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<p>Ben Cantwell ......................... Robert Donley</p>
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<p>Housekeeper .......................... Lanei Chapman</p>
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<p>Agency Rep ........................... Victoria Dillard</p>
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<p>Tim Fields ........................... Jerry Hauck</p>
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<p>Mrs. Oliver .......................... Edie McClurg (not credited)</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Previous episode references:</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Fill in later...</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Net reaction and comments:</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Fill in later...</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Quotes and Scene summary:</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>% Opening monologue</p>
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<p>Oops...</p>
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<p>% Open at Monk's, with J+G just sittin' around. Jerry is reading
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the paper</p>
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<p>% while George reflects on things...</p>
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<p>George: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like
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me, when</p>
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<p>they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones
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I</p>
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<p>like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before
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it'll</p>
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<p>*all* be over...</p>
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<p>George: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, how about a mute?</p>
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<p>George: A mute would be good.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?</p>
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<p>George: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.</p>
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<p>% George quickly shifts into deep philosophical mode. Jerry remains</p>
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<p>% pedestrian on the issue, still reading the paper.</p>
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<p>George: I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry,</p>
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<p>there's a void...</p>
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<p>Jerry: A deep, yawning chasm...</p>
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<p>George: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you
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pleasure?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and
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I'm on</p>
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<p>top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.</p>
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<p>% Elaine enters and greets G+J cheerfully.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey boys!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey! How you doin'?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Good. Okay, well, it's all set. I start tomorrow.</p>
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<p>George: Start what?</p>
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<p>Elaine: I signed up to do volunteer work with senior citizens.</p>
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<p>George: *Really*.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah. God, I can't tell you how I feel! I mean, I feel
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*so*</p>
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<p>*good*! I *really* feel good. The strange thing is, I mean, I</p>
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<p>haven't even met the woman yet.</p>
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<p>George: Volunteer work, huh?</p>
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<p>Jerry: What're you gonna do down there?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment
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and,</p>
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<p>I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and</p>
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<p>it's supposed to make them feel good.</p>
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<p>Jerry: That's what I do with him [points at George]</p>
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<p>% George gives Jerry that "Oh, ha-ha... it is to laugh"
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look and probes</p>
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<p>% Elaine further (no, that's not a euphemism for those who are
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wondering.)</p>
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<p>George: When did you get this idea?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on*
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and *on*</p>
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<p>and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak</p>
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<p>English.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on
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me?</p>
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<p>George: And... and anybody can do this?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yup.</p>
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<p>George: Helping people... Of course. Of course! It makes perfect
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sense!</p>
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<p>How could I *not* be doing this!? I am gonna help somebody, Dammit!</p>
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<p>Elaine: [To Jerry] What about you?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Nah, it's not for me.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.</p>
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<p>George: What *kind* of a person are you?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.</p>
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<p>% Oh, that's harsh. True, yes. But certainly harsh. We skip forward
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to</p>
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<p>% the apartment where a representative from the senior citizens
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office is</p>
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<p>% giving G+J their information sheets on their volunteer cases.</p>
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<p>Agency Rep: This is a wonderful thing you're doing. They're so
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grateful</p>
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<p>just to have someone to talk to. And I can tell you that</p>
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<p>everyone who participates finds the experience extremely</p>
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<p>rewarding.</p>
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<p>George: Well, I feel better already. I'm feelin' like a good person.</p>
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<p>Agency Rep: Good luck.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Thank you.</p>
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<p>% The rep leaves and G+J compare information sheets...</p>
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<p>George: Hey, what's your guy's name again?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your</p>
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<p>guy?</p>
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<p>George: Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that
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age?</p>
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<p>Jerry: *We*? No.</p>
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<p>% Enter the "loathsome brute"!</p>
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<p>Kramer: So what's up, Diggity Dog?</p>
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<p>Jerry: George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer</p>
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<p>Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn
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you.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What're you talkin' about?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!</p>
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<p>Jerry: What?</p>
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<p>Kramer: It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some
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money</p>
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<p>laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out
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of</p>
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<p>their life savings, oh *yeah*.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Where do you *get* this?</p>
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<p>Kramer: The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the
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truth.</p>
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<p>% Before the K man can get too far into his tale, a commotion is
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going on</p>
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<p>% outside the door at Kramer's apartment. Someone's knockin' on
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his door.</p>
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<p>Newman: Kramer?! Kramer!? Where are you? Kramer!?! Kramer!!?</p>
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<p>Kramer: I'm in here. C'mon...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hello, *Newman*...</p>
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<p>Newman: Jerry, George. [To Kramer] So, did you ask him about the
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records?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well--</p>
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<p>Jerry: What records?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, Newman and I are going partners selling used records.</p>
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<p>% Kramer and Newman do what I can only assume is some sort of Secret
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Hand</p>
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<p>% Shake (like the Moose lodge).</p>
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<p>Newman: You know Ron's Records down on Bleeker? They pay big cash
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for used</p>
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<p>records!</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, so we thought if you had any of those big, y'know,
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old-</p>
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<p>fashioned useless records, y'know, just... lyin' around--</p>
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<p>Kramer: Y'know, we'd take them off your hands, free of charge.</p>
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<p>% Before Jerry issues a response, George needs his curiousity satisfied.</p>
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<p>George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living,
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Newman?</p>
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<p>Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.</p>
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<p>% Who'd a thunk it?</p>
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<p>George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back
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with a</p>
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<p>gun and shoot everybody?</p>
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<p>Newman: Sometimes...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Why *is* that?</p>
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<p>Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and
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coming and</p>
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<p>coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it</p>
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<p>piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar</p>
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<p>code reader breaks and it's *Publisher's Clearing House* day!!!</p>
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<p>% Newman is restrained by the boys, but on the bright side, Jerry
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has</p>
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<p>% allowed K+N to take whatever records they want from his bedroom.
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We shift</p>
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<p>% to the record shop, but the sign says "Bleeker Bob's Records"
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(Continuity</p>
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<p>% alert! Continuity alert!) The clerk (presumably Ron) files through
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K+N's</p>
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<p>% stash carefully and somehow comes to his total without a calculator:</p>
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<p>Ron: I'll give you five bucks.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Five bucks???</p>
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<p>Newman: Well, you know how much those records are worth!?</p>
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<p>Ron: Yeah, I do... Fi' dollars.</p>
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<p>Newman: Those records are worth more than five dollars!</p>
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<p>Kramer: [In Newman's ear] He's gyppin' us...</p>
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<p>Newman: You're gyppin' us!</p>
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<p>Ron: Well, whattya got here, y'know, you got "Don Ho: Live
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At Honolulu",</p>
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<p>you got "Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs" you got
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Sergio Mendes,</p>
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<p>now come on...</p>
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<p>Kramer: Wait, wait, wait... Sergio Mendes has a cult following.</p>
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<p>Newman: They follow him like a cult.</p>
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<p>Kramer: He can't even walk down the street in South America...</p>
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<p>Ron: Look, that's his problem, alright? Now you don't like it,
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too bad.</p>
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<p>Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I don't like it...</p>
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<p>Newman: I don't like it.</p>
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<p>Ron: Well, then get the Hell out of my store, alright? You bring
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me</p>
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<p>something decent, I'll give you some money.</p>
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<p>Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Alright, well be back, jack.</p>
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<p>Newman: Alright, well be back... *jack*!</p>
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<p>% At the home of Sid Field, Sid sits in an armchair while his housekeeper</p>
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<p>% answers the door. Sid is not the jolly fellow one might associate
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with</p>
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<p>% someone of his mellowing years...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.</p>
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<p>Housekeeper: Agency?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?</p>
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<p>Housekeeper: Sid Fields.</p>
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<p>% The Housekeeper points over to the E-Z Chair where Sid is sitting.
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He</p>
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<p>% welcomes Jerry into his home.</p>
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<p>Sid: What the *Hell* is it?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Mr. Fields?</p>
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<p>Sid: What!?!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.</p>
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<p>Sid: Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No, no, the--</p>
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<p>Sid: Who let you in here?</p>
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<p>Jerry: The woman, she--</p>
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<p>Sid: Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says
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she</p>
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<p>doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays</p>
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<p>that freakin' "voo-doo" music, tries to hypnotize me.
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She thinks</p>
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<p>she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well,</p>
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<p>I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell</p>
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<p>wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you.</p>
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<p>Sid: Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend.</p>
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<p>Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud,</p>
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<p>you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]</p>
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<p>Jerry: No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--</p>
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<p>Sid: I can't read that you fool...</p>
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<p>% Jerry is in the pocket and he's in trouble. Attempting to avoid
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the sack</p>
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<p>% he scrambles and picks another topic to switch to. There are
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a couple of</p>
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<p>% piles of records on top of the TV. Jerry asks about them.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What's all this stuff?</p>
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<p>Sid: Trash. Garbage.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You're throwin' this out??</p>
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<p>Sid: I believe that's what you do with garbage, you idiot.</p>
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<p>% You can make out the albums pretty clearly. One is an apparent
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K-Tel</p>
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<p>% "classic": "22 Explosive Hits", I don't know
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the other one. Anyone?</p>
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<p>% I believe "The Beatles" (The White Album) is there
|
|
also.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You don't want any of this?</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know I have some friends who would really like to have
|
|
these.</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my
|
|
family.</p>
|
|
<p>% They've bonded. Just like in all those buddy-cop movies. This
|
|
seemingly</p>
|
|
<p>% non-compatible couple have found common ground. They've reached
|
|
each</p>
|
|
<p>% other...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee...</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: With you? I'd rather be dead.</p>
|
|
<p>% Er, maybe not...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got
|
|
an</p>
|
|
<p>appointment to get my, um, tonsils out.</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: Good. Thank God. Good riddance. [pause]</p>
|
|
<p>Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? HAA!!</p>
|
|
<p>% At Monk's, George and his charge enjoy a bowl of soup over some,
|
|
er, light</p>
|
|
<p>% conversation.</p>
|
|
<p>Ben: No, I feel great for 85.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Y'know the average life span for an American male is like,
|
|
72.</p>
|
|
<p>You're really... kinda pushin' the envelope there.</p>
|
|
<p>Ben: I'm not afraid of dyin'. I never think about it.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You don't? Boy, I think about it a lot. I think about it
|
|
at my</p>
|
|
<p>age. Imagine how much I'll be thinkin' about it at your age. All</p>
|
|
<p>I'll do is keep thinkin' about it until it drives me insane...</p>
|
|
<p>Ben: I'm grateful for every moment I have.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Grateful? How can you be grateful when you're *so* close
|
|
to the</p>
|
|
<p>end? When you know that any second-- Poof! Bamm-O! It can all be</p>
|
|
<p>over. I mean you're not stupid, you can read the handwriting on
|
|
the</p>
|
|
<p>wall. It's a matter of simple arithmetic, for Gods sake...</p>
|
|
<p>Ben: I guess I just don't care.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look
|
|
me in</p>
|
|
<p>the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any</p>
|
|
<p>*sense*?!! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile</p>
|
|
<p>that you don't know what you're talkin about Anymore!!?!</p>
|
|
<p>% Gee, I can't figure out why but Ben gets up to leave.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Wait a second, where are you going?</p>
|
|
<p>Ben: Life's too short to waste on you.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Wait a minute, please--</p>
|
|
<p>Ben: Get out of my way...</p>
|
|
<p>% As Ben shoves George out of the way, all of a sudden you just
|
|
*have* to</p>
|
|
<p>% feel a tinge of pain in your heart as you realize George realizes
|
|
he won't</p>
|
|
<p>% be able to talk to Ben anymore...</p>
|
|
<p>George: But Mr. Cantwell, you... you owe me for the soup...</p>
|
|
<p>% ...or maybe he was just being cheap. Regardless, we cut to the
|
|
apartment</p>
|
|
<p>% of Elaine's senior citizen. It's very dark in the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Mrs. Oliver?</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: Yes my dear.</p>
|
|
<p>% Elaine looks around the room, trying to find Mrs. Oliver. She
|
|
pans</p>
|
|
<p>% around and wham-o!! She sees that Mrs. Oliver has a rather, er,
|
|
um,</p>
|
|
<p>% unsightly physical problem (to put it mildly).</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Ooh!</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: What's the trouble? Are you alright?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: It's my goiter, isn't it?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Did you say goiter? What goiter?</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: This football-shaped lump jutting out the side of my neck.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, *that* goiter. Hey... Heh heh heh... Whaddya know...</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: Does it bother you?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like
|
|
that</p>
|
|
<p>bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um,</p>
|
|
<p>in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you</p>
|
|
<p>want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.</p>
|
|
<p>[END Act I]</p>
|
|
<p>% At Jerry's apartment, the kids compare notes on their visits.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman
|
|
in the</p>
|
|
<p>face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start</p>
|
|
<p>talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send</p>
|
|
<p>you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a
|
|
second</p>
|
|
<p>head". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: They really should mention that in the breakdown: height,
|
|
weight,</p>
|
|
<p>goiter.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person
|
|
but</p>
|
|
<p>this is too much to ask.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with
|
|
a nice</p>
|
|
<p>disposition than the nut they sent me to.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hey Georgie, what happened with your guy?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I don't think it's gonna work out...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Whattya mean?</p>
|
|
<p>George: He fired me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He fired you?!?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: *How* do you get fired from a volunteer job?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out
|
|
on me!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my
|
|
guy.</p>
|
|
<p>He's a mean, mean guy.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I wish I could quit...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So quit!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I
|
|
do well.</p>
|
|
<p>I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my</p>
|
|
<p>grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.</p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer and Newman come in, albums in hand...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, here's your *albums* [Journey "Escape"
|
|
is on top, BTW...]</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Jerry: What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Five dollars. He offered us *five* dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, what kind of stuff are you listening to? You *embarrassed*
|
|
me</p>
|
|
<p>at that store.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom
|
|
in</p>
|
|
<p>South America!</p>
|
|
<p>% Elaine relieves herself of the conversation by going to the bathroom...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I
|
|
was</p>
|
|
<p>visiting today was throwing away: Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al</p>
|
|
<p>Jolson, Benny Goodman...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them
|
|
and he</p>
|
|
<p>said yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer Okay...</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: [In Kramer's ear] The old coot's sittin' on a mountain
|
|
of gold!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin'
|
|
them</p>
|
|
<p>all.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this
|
|
house</p>
|
|
<p>keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild,</p>
|
|
<p>Stuff...</p>
|
|
<p>% George peeks up from the magazine he's reading on the couch:</p>
|
|
<p>George: Senegal?</p>
|
|
<p>% At Mr. Fields' apartment, George is helping the housekeeper put
|
|
away</p>
|
|
<p>% some groceries. He takes this time to get to know her better:</p>
|
|
<p>George: So you don't speak *any* English at all?</p>
|
|
<p>Housekeeper: English? No.</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well you said they could come and take the records.</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: It's like watchin' a couple of hyenas goin' through the garbage.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You don't speak *any* English?</p>
|
|
<p>Housekeeper: No English.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all
|
|
over</p>
|
|
<p>your body.</p>
|
|
<p>[No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You</p>
|
|
<p>don't understand because you don't speak English!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: Hey, I don't like what's goin' on around here. I want all
|
|
you bums</p>
|
|
<p>outta here.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Now calm down, Mr. Fields...</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: Now don't tell me to calm down... Get your hands off of me!
|
|
Why you</p>
|
|
<p>little...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oooow! He's biting me!</p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer's defense mechanism kicks in and when he rips his arm
|
|
away from</p>
|
|
<p>% Sid's jaws of death, something flies away from the scrum...</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: My teeth! My teeth!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!</p>
|
|
<p>George: I thought I saw something fly over here...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well turn the light on...</p>
|
|
<p>% George flicks the light switch by the kitchen sink...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's the garbage disposal!</p>
|
|
<p>Sid: My teeth! You idiots!!!</p>
|
|
<p>% The boys decide to take Sid to the dentist to get new teeth,
|
|
or something</p>
|
|
<p>% but on the way to the cab, somebody forgot to stay with Mr. Fields.
|
|
They</p>
|
|
<p>% go back to find him, but they can't, apparently.</p>
|
|
<p>%</p>
|
|
<p>% So, we cut to Mrs. Oliver's place where Elaine is sitting, bored
|
|
out of</p>
|
|
<p>% her skull through a very pedestrian conversation. She keeps mumbling</p>
|
|
<p>% to herself throughout Mrs. Oliver's story:</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: And we would take long automobile trips--</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun...</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: Staring out the window--</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Uh huh...</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: You'd see a long view of rolling pastures and--</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, that'll get you goin' right there...</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: Big, roaming cows--</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Cows, well that's fascinating...</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: That's when I began my affair with Mohandas.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: Mohandas.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Ghandhi?</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: Oh, the *passion*. The *forbidden pleasure*--</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You had an affair with Ghandhi?</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. O: He used to dip his bald head in oil and rub it all over
|
|
my body.</p>
|
|
<p>Here, look... [shows Elaine a picture of the two together]</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, my God... The Mohatma?</p>
|
|
<p>% Meanwhile, back at Bleeker Bob's, er, I mean, Ron's on Bleeker,
|
|
Kramer and</p>
|
|
<p>% Newman have brought Ron the clerk "something decent".</p>
|
|
<p>Ron: Twenty bucks.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Twenty bucks?!? Are you out of your mind?</p>
|
|
<p>Ron: Well, take it or leave it.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Take it or leave it!? We got *Al Jolson* here, *Al Jolson*!!</p>
|
|
<p>Ron: Now what the Hell do I care about Al Jolson. I'd just assume
|
|
her</p>
|
|
<p>you sing "Mammy". Heh heh heh...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: [In Newman's ear] This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap...</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: You are nothing but a piece of crap.</p>
|
|
<p>Ron: Pardon me?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: [In Newman's ear] A piece of crap...</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: A piece of crap.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I find you extremely ugly...</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: I find you extremely ugly.</p>
|
|
<p>Ron: *Do* you?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: [In Newman's ear] You emit a foul and unpleasant odour...</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odour.</p>
|
|
<p>Ron: Oh, is that right?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: [In Newman's ear] I *loathe* you...</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: I *loathe* you.</p>
|
|
<p>Ron: That's it. Get out of my store!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: [In Newman's ear] Make us.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Make us!</p>
|
|
<p>Ron: Oh, I'll make you!</p>
|
|
<p>% As Ron jumps the counter to get at the boys, we cut to Jerry's</p>
|
|
<p>% apartment where it seems he is being lectured...</p>
|
|
<p>Agency Rep: Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's
|
|
sole</p>
|
|
<p>purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop</p>
|
|
<p>you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes, but--</p>
|
|
<p>% Bzzzt. Saved by the buzzer.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: [Into intercom] Yes?</p>
|
|
<p>Tim: It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, c'mon up.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: [To Rep] I dunno what happened, we were just trying to take</p>
|
|
<p>him to the dentist.</p>
|
|
<p>Agency Rep: Why were you taking him to the dentist?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage</p>
|
|
<p>disposal--</p>
|
|
<p>Agency Rep: What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, after he bit my friend--</p>
|
|
<p>Agency Rep: Bit your friend?!</p>
|
|
<p>% Tim comes into the apartment to temporarily get Jerry off the
|
|
hook.</p>
|
|
<p>Tim: What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human</p>
|
|
<p>being?!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I, I'm sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>Tim: And who were these other people. What were they doing in the</p>
|
|
<p>apartment!?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, I brought them up there to take his records--</p>
|
|
<p>Tim: Take his *records*? Do you realize how valuable that record</p>
|
|
<p>collection is?</p>
|
|
<p>% Um, about $20?</p>
|
|
<p>%</p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer and Newman come into the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: There you are. Did you find him?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, y'know we took the old man's records over to Ron's
|
|
and he</p>
|
|
<p>tried to *screw* us so we got in a fight.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: It was a real melee.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, a real brouhaha...</p>
|
|
<p>% They inform all that the records are broken, but before Tim can
|
|
get</p>
|
|
<p>% *really* out of control, they try to call Mr. Fields at home,
|
|
but the</p>
|
|
<p>% line is busy, so they go to his apartment figuring he must be
|
|
home. As</p>
|
|
<p>% they all get there, they come upon a rather, er,</p>
|
|
<p>Scene of George on couch with the maid rubbing oil on his head.</p>
|
|
<p><Spell checking and reformatting by: Mike "The News Guy">
|
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<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|