1060 lines
49 KiB
HTML
1060 lines
49 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Outing</h1>
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===========================================================================</p>
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<p>Originally Aired: Thursday, February 11, 1993, 9:30PM</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Production Credits:</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman</p>
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<p>Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p>Written By ........................... Larry Charles</p>
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<p>Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Cast:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)</p>
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<p>George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander</p>
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<p>Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Dreyfus</p>
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<p>Kramer ............................... Michael Richards</p>
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<p>With:</p>
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<p>Sharon Leonard ....................... Paula Marshall</p>
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<p>Allison .............................. Kari Coleman</p>
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<p>Helen Seinfeld ....................... Liz Sheridan</p>
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<p>Morty Seinfeld ....................... Barney Martin</p>
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<p>Estelle Castanza ..................... Estelle Harris</p>
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<p>And:</p>
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<p>Sailor ............................... Anthony Mangano</p>
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<p>Male Nurse ........................... Ben Reed</p>
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<p>Manager .............................. Lawrence A. Mandley</p>
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<p>Man #1 ............................... Charley Garrett</p>
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<p>Scott ................................ Deck McKenzie</p>
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<p>Man #2 ............................... David Gibbs</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Previous episode references:</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Episode 411 - "The Contest"</p>
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<p>o The sponge bath scene</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>================================================================================</p>
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<p>% Opening monologue...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending
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to be excited</p>
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<p>every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What
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is the</p>
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<p>big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was
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born?</p>
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<p>Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve
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months.</p>
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<p>That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology
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</p>
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<p>things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday
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as</p>
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<p>you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like
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Ed</p>
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<p>Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[End of opening monologue -- Time 0:26]</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% The scene opens with George dropping off his date for the night.
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She </p>
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<p>% obviously has had a wonderful evening...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Allison: I don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*!</p>
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<p>George: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to
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live because</p>
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<p>of me? I'm nothing!</p>
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<p>Allison: No... You're *something*.</p>
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<p>George: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the
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window and </p>
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<p>hit someone better than me. I'm no good!</p>
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<p>Allison: You're good. You're *good*!</p>
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<p>George: I'm bad. I'm *bad*!</p>
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<p>Allison: You're *killing* me!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% We cut to Monk's where G+J+E are dining (it being a diner, and
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all). Jerry</p>
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<p>% is over making a phone call while G+E talk at the table.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She
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threatened</p>
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<p>to kill herself.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Over you?</p>
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<p>George: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Er, George, I don't think that word means what you think it means...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Cut to Jerry who is over at the phone trying to get Sharon Leanord
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at NYU.</p>
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<p>% Meanwhile, Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got
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Jerry for</p>
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<p>% his birthday.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls".</p>
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<p>Elaine: I got him a two-line phone.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: Unbelievable! She's not there.</p>
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<p>George: What paper does she write for?</p>
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<p>Jerry: The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student
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in </p>
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<p>journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has</p>
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<p>no idea who I am.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately...</p>
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<p>Elaine: [Proudly] Really?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% The camera pans out some so that we can see the three at their
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table and</p>
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<p>% a girl sitting with her back to George at the next table. She
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starts to</p>
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<p>% become interested in what the people behind her are talking about
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as Elaine</p>
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<p>% pops the following philosophical dilemma to her companions:</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Living or all time?</p>
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<p>Elaine: All time.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins
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and ends </p>
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<p>with Brezhnev.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?</p>
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<p>George: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up
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a tree.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Elaine notices the woman sitting behind George is eavesdropping
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on their </p>
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<p>% conversation and discreetly alerts J+G. She decides to add some
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spice to</p>
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<p>% the conversation. The makes sure to say it loud enough so that
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the spy</p>
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<p>% at the next table is sure to hear...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Elaine: Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what?
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I mean you </p>
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<p>should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Jerry rolls his eyes and turns away in disbelief while George
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on the other </p>
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<p>% hand addresses Jerry directly:</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man
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I'll ever love.</p>
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<p>Jerry: [indignantly] What's the matter with you?</p>
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<p>George: [quietly] C'mon, go along...</p>
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<p>Jerry: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939
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goose-</p>
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<p>stepping past me: "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..."</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Elaine dismisses Jerry as a big poop for not playing along, and
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Jerry raises</p>
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<p>% a topic while the eavesdropper gets up and goes to make a phone
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call.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: Y'know I hear that all the time.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hear what?</p>
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<p>Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Elaine: And you get along well with women.</p>
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<p>George: I guess that leaves me in the clear...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Meanwhile over at the phone booth, the eavesdropper reveals that
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she is one</p>
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<p>% Sharon Leonard and she's calling the newspaper that she got to
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the diner</p>
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<p>% late and missed out on meeting up with Jerry. As she's hanging
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up, George</p>
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<p>% and Jerry make a trip to the bathroom (have two guys ever actually
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gone to</p>
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<p>% the bathroom together? Hmmmm...)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% We switch back to Jerry's apartment. Jerry's unpacking groceries
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(no cereal</p>
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<p>% to be seen) and George comes in.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become
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a porno </p>
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<p>actor.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"?</p>
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<p>George: Yeah, how did you know that?</p>
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<p>Jerry: You told me that already like two months ago.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% George is obviously disappointed that his name didn't go over
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"bigger" and he</p>
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<p>% gets Jerry's opinion on a tres-gauche shirt. Jerry is less than
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impressed.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: Allison bought it for me.</p>
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<p>Jerry: How you gonna get out of *that* one?</p>
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<p>George: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Sharon buzzes and comes up to Jerry's apartment. George decides
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to stay.</p>
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<p>% There's a knock at the door and when Jerry answers it, the two
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decide if</p>
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<p>% they've ever met before. It's pretty obvious Sharon remembers
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Jerry and</p>
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<p>% George as that "funny" couple from Monk's. Jerry hasn't
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placed her face,</p>
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<p>% however. Sharon is introduced to George and...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Jerry: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you?</p>
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<p>Sharon: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Sharon asks Jerry if he does anything besides stand-up and when
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Jerry replies</p>
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<p>% that he and George are doing a pilot for NBC, Sharon says "oh,
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so you also</p>
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<p>% work together." which seems to puzzle Jerry a bit. Before
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another question</p>
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<p>% can be asked, George has helped himself to some fruit...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: Jerry did you wash this pear?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, I washed it.</p>
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<p>George: It looks like it hasn't been washed.</p>
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<p>Jerry: So *wash* *it*.</p>
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<p>George: You hear the way he talks to me?</p>
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<p>Sharon: You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Again, Jerry seems confused as to what Sharon is saying. Something's
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not</p>
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<p>% quite right... But, before another question can be asked, again
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George</p>
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<p>% has a question-- this time for Sharon...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Geroge: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?</p>
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<p>Sharon: It's nice.</p>
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<p>George: Jerry said he didn't like it.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K...</p>
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<p>George: No, you said you didn't like it...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of
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the world, or</p>
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<p>something?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Bombardier... Open bomb doors. The big one is about to be dropped...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Sharon: So how did you two meet?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Actually, we met in the gym locker room.</p>
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<p>George: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb
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the ropes</p>
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<p>and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs
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and</p>
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<p>then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close
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ever</p>
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<p>since.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% George takes a hold of Jerry's leg to stress the point and Sharon,
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who </p>
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<p>% obviously thinks she has a real story here now, asks another
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question:</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Sharon: Do you guys live together?</p>
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<p>Jerry: [quizzically] Live together?</p>
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<p>George: No, I got my own place.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>% Jerry is about *this* close (picture my thumb and forefinger
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*really* close </p>
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<p>% together) to figuring out what is going on here, when the "question
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fatale"</p>
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<p>% is asked:</p>
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<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Sharon: And do your parents know?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Know *what*?</p>
|
|
<p>George: My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% It's at this point, I *swear* I heard a big clunk noise in Jerry's
|
|
head as</p>
|
|
<p>% his eyes light up like sunbeams. Sherlock Seinfeld has solved
|
|
the mystery.</p>
|
|
<p>% (Actually, since he took so long to figure it out he's probably
|
|
closer to</p>
|
|
<p>% Encyclopedia Brown than Sherlock Holmes, but I'll give him the
|
|
benefit of</p>
|
|
<p>% the doubt. Heck, it usually took the guys on "Three's Company"
|
|
25 minutes</p>
|
|
<p>% to figure out something this complex...)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping
|
|
on</p>
|
|
<p>us. I *knew* you looked familiar!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% All three rise from the couch and a rather excited J+G try to
|
|
explain things</p>
|
|
<p>% to a very confused reporter.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole
|
|
thing </p>
|
|
<p>for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that</p>
|
|
<p>there's anything wrong with that...</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, of course not...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Absolutely...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends...</p>
|
|
<p>George: My *father* is gay...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% But alas, our heroes pleas for help have fallen upon deaf ears...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Sharon: Look, I know what I heard.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It was a *joke*...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex
|
|
with me right </p>
|
|
<p>now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Not that that approach was going to work, or anything, but what
|
|
minute chance</p>
|
|
<p>% they had of convincing her is blown away as the door bursts open
|
|
and:</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a
|
|
steam!</p>
|
|
<p>George: No!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No steam!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% We fast forward a couple of hours and Jerry and Elaine are talking
|
|
in the</p>
|
|
<p>% apartment. Elaine offers to talk to her and Jerry reveals that
|
|
he has </p>
|
|
<p>% convinced her to "think about it" before she prints
|
|
anything in the NYU</p>
|
|
<p>% paper. And, for some unknown reason, Elaine refuses to take her
|
|
jacket </p>
|
|
<p>% off. Kramer enters, graceful as always.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Happy birthday paruba!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Today's not my birthday.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, I beg to differ...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>% Kramer convinces Jerry it's his birthday and, after Elaine refuses
|
|
to take</p>
|
|
<p>% her jacket off again, Kramer presents the big guy with his present.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Elaine can be seen mouthing the word "sh*t" and is,
|
|
for some reason, not</p>
|
|
<p>% impressed with the gift. She picks up her purse to leave (good
|
|
thing she</p>
|
|
<p>% didn't take off that jacket...):</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, where you going?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I gotta go return something...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer goes to his apartment and Jerry calls him to try out the
|
|
phone. And,</p>
|
|
<p>% as luck would have it, a call comes in on the other line.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Sharon: Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you
|
|
that I'm not</p>
|
|
<p>going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Thank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold
|
|
on a sec, I got</p>
|
|
<p>a call on the other line. >click click< Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper
|
|
on</p>
|
|
<p>the other line.</p>
|
|
<p>George: So, what did she say?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story.
|
|
She </p>
|
|
<p>thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we *fooled*
|
|
her.</p>
|
|
<p>I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello?
|
|
Sharon,</p>
|
|
<p>are you there? >click click< I'm back...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Y'know... I could hear you on the other line...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you talkin' about?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I heard what you said: "Sharon, are you there?".</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yes, I heard you!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, maybe she was disconnected.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can
|
|
hear anything,</p>
|
|
<p>hold on. >click click click<...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Obviously, it's best to hear this, but through the whole next
|
|
part G+J get </p>
|
|
<p>% into excitable, high-pitch, speed talk. Gotta love it...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yello?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on.
|
|
>click click<</p>
|
|
<p>George: "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece
|
|
of junk, goodbye!</p>
|
|
<p>George: "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong
|
|
with it...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences
|
|
are </p>
|
|
<p>nobody's business but their own!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% We shift to Sharon's apartment where Elaine is paying a visit...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Sharon: Why don't you take a seat?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Thank-you.</p>
|
|
<p>Sharon: Why don't you take your coat off?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% We shift back to Monk's where E+G+J are having a coffee</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and
|
|
then she</p>
|
|
<p>forcibly tried to get me to remove it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep
|
|
your coat on</p>
|
|
<p>in somebody's house, the families go to war!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% You're not related to the Clavin family, are you George?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU
|
|
thinks I'm gay.</p>
|
|
<p>Not that there's anything wrong with that...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Not at all.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry tries to "forcibly remove the coat" in pursuit
|
|
of some satisfaction.</p>
|
|
<p>% George springs his birthday gift on Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go
|
|
with you!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway
|
|
musical?</p>
|
|
<p>George: It's "Guys And *Dolls*", not "Guys And *Guys*".</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Perhaps Elaine's gift oozes with some testosterone...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler".</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Nope. Unfortunately for Jerry, things are about to get worse.
|
|
Elaine</p>
|
|
<p>% notices that there are a couple of guys pointing at Jerry from
|
|
the other</p>
|
|
<p>% side of the cafe. Jerry goes to investigate.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What do you got there?</p>
|
|
<p>Man #1: _The New York Post_, they've got an article about you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian
|
|
and his</p>
|
|
<p>long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The
|
|
Associated</p>
|
|
<p>Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper!</p>
|
|
<p>I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Now everyone's going to think we're gay!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Not that there's anything wrong with that...</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, not at all...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[End Act I -- Time 13:54]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Back in the apartment, E+G+J read from _The Post_</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*,
|
|
Seinfeld and</p>
|
|
<p>Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like
|
|
an old</p>
|
|
<p>married couple--" *I told you that pear was washed*!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Entrez-vous, Kramer</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I thought we were friends...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Here we go...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It's not true!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry,
|
|
the</p>
|
|
<p>masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So are you...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah--</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% It's at this point that Kramer, well, "Pulls a Kramer".
|
|
He does that </p>
|
|
<p>% mini-epileptic, losing his balance, "waaaaugh" thing
|
|
and he retreats to</p>
|
|
<p>% his apartment, probably to confront his own sexuality. In Jerry's
|
|
apartment,</p>
|
|
<p>% the phone rings, George answers.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. S: George?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Mrs. Seinfeld?!?</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. S: Oh, my God...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma?</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. S: Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ma!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% And suddenly, it dawns on Castanza:</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, my God! My *MOTHER*!!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Back at Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld's place, the conversation continues.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. S: Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ma, it's not true!</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. S: It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five!</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. S: They weren't culottes, they were shorts.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. S: They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Mrs. S: By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry!</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. S: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. S: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Back at the Metropolitan Hospital Center, George pays his mother
|
|
a visit.</p>
|
|
<p>% She seems to be in the same bed from episode ... (yes, that includes
|
|
the</p>
|
|
<p>% thin sheet covering that allowed for that infamous silhouette...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. C: I open up the paper, and *this* is what I have to read
|
|
about? I fell</p>
|
|
<p>right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move...</p>
|
|
<p>The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!</p>
|
|
<p>Geroge: It's *not* *true*!</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. C: Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know
|
|
anything about</p>
|
|
<p>you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.</p>
|
|
<p>Mrs. C: Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's
|
|
anything</p>
|
|
<p>wrong with it.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Of course not...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% In comes a hulking male nurse. He parts the screen and announces:</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Nurse: 6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Ack! It's deja vu all over again! Except instead of a couple
|
|
of women</p>
|
|
<p>% behind the screen (as in the "M" episode), there are
|
|
two guys. George is</p>
|
|
<p>% transfixed. Mrs. C. has to scream to get his attention off of
|
|
the "show"</p>
|
|
<p>% going on beside him. Later, back at Monk's, E+G+J converge yet
|
|
again. </p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry informs G+E that Sharon has left a message on his machine.
|
|
George</p>
|
|
<p>% has other things on his mind.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want
|
|
to have dinner</p>
|
|
<p>first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Before Jerry can utter his response, a military guy approaches
|
|
the table.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Sailor: Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted
|
|
you to </p>
|
|
<p>know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and
|
|
that </p>
|
|
<p>you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>discharge from the service. Thanks.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% And, just as quickly as he appeared, he leaves before Jerry can
|
|
respond</p>
|
|
<p>% (Colonel Flagg, anyone?) He does have an answer to George's previous
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>% question, though.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% George throws a "hissy fit" and it told to pipe down
|
|
by a rather bulky manager</p>
|
|
<p>% from the diner and resolves to take Elaine instead. Elaine then
|
|
queries</p>
|
|
<p>% George if Allison has seen the article yet.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George: No. Just imagine her reaction.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, my God...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
<p>George: She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna
|
|
think--</p>
|
|
<p>*I'm out baby*!! I'm out!!!!!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% So, we flash forward to George dropping off Allison. She is mulling
|
|
over</p>
|
|
<p>% the article that George has given her.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Allison: Yeah? So?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah so??</p>
|
|
<p>Allison: Well this is nice. They mention your name.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what
|
|
that's</p>
|
|
<p>implying?</p>
|
|
<p>Allison: No, what?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.</p>
|
|
<p>Allison: You're *gay*?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.</p>
|
|
<p>Allison: [matter-of-factly] I don't believe it.</p>
|
|
<p>George: You don't believe me? Ask Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Allison: I will.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is
|
|
a very </p>
|
|
<p>private person.</p>
|
|
<p>Allison: [Grabs George's lapels] I want to hear it from *Jerry*...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[End act II - Time 19:11]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% Back at Jerry's apartment, Sharon and Jerry are, well, "making
|
|
out on the</p>
|
|
<p>% couch". Apparently, she's all turned around on the subject.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
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<p>Sharon: Oh, can you ever forgive me?</p>
|
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<p>Jerry: I dunno... [they kiss again] *Alright*, I forgive you...</p>
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<p>Sharon: Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.</p>
|
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<p> </p>
|
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<p> </p>
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<p>% But before the love birds can get back into things, the door
|
|
has burst open.</p>
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<p>% No, it's not Kramer, although Jerry perhaps wishes it were. Yes,
|
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George has</p>
|
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<p>% shown up with Allison to prove he and Jerry's "special relationship".</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!</p>
|
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<p>Jerry: What!?</p>
|
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<p>George: You're with a *woman*!</p>
|
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<p>Jerry: I know! What are you doin' here?!?</p>
|
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<p>George: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you
|
|
do! I </p>
|
|
<p>trusted you!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: [forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell
|
|
out of </p>
|
|
<p>here!</p>
|
|
<p>Sharon: What's going on?</p>
|
|
<p>Allison: Yeah, what's going on?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Alright, tell her. Go ahead.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Tell her what?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Y'know. About *us*.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>% George has emphasized his point by reaching up and putting his
|
|
hand in J's</p>
|
|
<p>% hair. Jerry flips out at this point. His arms are flailing about
|
|
and he's</p>
|
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<p>% well, gone loopy. George embraces Jerry to keep it going, but
|
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Jerry's not </p>
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<p>% buying any of it. Sharon leaves, much to Jerry's chagrin. Allison
|
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asks </p>
|
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<p>% (again) for an explanation.</p>
|
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>George: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's
|
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Buck Naked,</p>
|
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<p>I'm a porno actor.</p>
|
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<p>Allison: *Really*?</p>
|
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<p> </p>
|
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<p> </p>
|
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<p>% Allison takes George's arm (not quite the reaction he wanted,
|
|
I'm sure).</p>
|
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<p>% Kramer walks by the open door to go to his apartment. He is escorted
|
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by</p>
|
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<p>% what appears to be a virile young man. Kramer addresses G+J (and
|
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Allison)</p>
|
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<p>% before he goes into his apartment.</p>
|
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<p> </p>
|
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<p> </p>
|
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<p>Kramer: We'll see you later...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
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<p>% G+J look disbelievingly at each other, obviously at a loss for
|
|
words over</p>
|
|
<p>% Kramer's new, er, interest. Kramer notices this and...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: He's the *phone* man!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
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<p>% G+J see the light and are visibly relieved...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Not that there's anything wrong with that...</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
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<p> </p>
|
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<p>[End of act III - Time 21:39]</p>
|
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<p> </p>
|
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<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
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<p> </p>
|
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<p>% Closing monologue</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. Sometimes
|
|
when </p>
|
|
<p>someone is thin, single and neat people assume they are gay because
|
|
that</p>
|
|
<p>is a stereotype. They normally don't think of gay people as fat,
|
|
sloppy</p>
|
|
<p>and married. Although I'm sure there are, I don't want to perpetuate</p>
|
|
<p>the stereotype. I'm sure they are the minority though within the
|
|
gay </p>
|
|
<p>community. They're probably discriminated against because of that,</p>
|
|
<p>people say to them "Y'know Joe, I enjoy being gay with you
|
|
but I think</p>
|
|
<p>think it's about time, y'know that you got in shape, tucked the
|
|
shirt </p>
|
|
<p>in and lost the wife". But if people are even going to assume
|
|
that </p>
|
|
<p>people that are neat are gay, maybe instead of doin' this: "Y'know
|
|
I </p>
|
|
<p>think Joe might be a little... [waves hand back and forth]",
|
|
they should</p>
|
|
<p>vacuum: "Y'know I think Joe might be >vroom< [makes
|
|
vacuuming motion]. </p>
|
|
<p>Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little >vrooom<..."</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[End. Time 22:50]</p>
|
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<p>===============================================================================</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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