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<h1>The Parking Space</h1>
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<br>
[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]<br>
<br>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
Written by: Larry David and Greg Daniels<br>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
<br>
Episode no. 39<br>
pc: 322, season 3, episode 22<br>
Broadcast date: April 22, 1992<br>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
<br>
The Cast<br>
<br>
Regulars:<br>
Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer<br>
<br>
Guest Stars:<br>
<br>
<br>
Wayne Knight..................... Newman<br>
Lee Arenberg..................... Mike Moffit<br>
Jay Brooks....................... Sid<br>
Maryedith Burrell................ Maryedith<br>
Shannon Cochran.................. Sheila<br>
Zachary Charles.................. Angry Man<br>
Michael A. Costanza.............. Truck Driver<br>
Mik Scriba....................... Cop #1<br>
Stan Sellers..................... Cop #2<br>
John Christian Graas............. Matthew<br>
Peggy Lane O'Rourke.............. Bystander #1<br>
Steven Marcus Gibbs.............. Bystander #2<br>
<br>
<br>
Opening monologue<br>
At parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots, isn't that<br>
discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging
out of<br>
the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out
there<br>
with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping them. Nobody<br>
goes, &quot;Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't pull
that in<br>
there.&quot;<br>
<br>
First scene.<br>
Jerry is in his apartment, Kramer enters.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got
stolen<br>
again.<br>
<br>
Jerry: What are you talking about?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh yeah, I know.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, where is it?<br>
<br>
Jerry: What's the difference?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious.<br>
<br>
Jerry: You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?<br>
<br>
Kramer: What happened to the car?<br>
<br>
Jerry: If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me.<br>
<br>
Jerry: You have to know, you must know.<br>
<br>
Kramer: I must know.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well, I'm not telling you.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Oh, come on.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Nope. I don't think so.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, please?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Not today, pal.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Okay, I beg you.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta
put<br>
some beg into it.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Okay, please! Please tell me!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I loaned the car to George.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Ah, George, alright. Well, what for?<br>
<br>
Jerry: George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Alright.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Huh?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Will you stop it already?!<br>
<br>
Kramer: You know, why didn't they ask me to go?<br>
<br>
Jerry: I don't know! How am I supposed to know?!<br>
<br>
Kramer: What, they don't like me?<br>
<br>
Jerry: *I* don't like you!<br>
<br>
Kramer: If they like me, why don't they ask me to go? Oh yeah.<br>
<br>
<br>
New scene.<br>
George and Elaine are in Jerry's car. George is wearing a new hat.<br>
<br>
George: I really think it looks good.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?<br>
<br>
George: All bald people look good in hats.<br>
<br>
Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men
wore<br>
hats all the time then.<br>
<br>
George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?<br>
<br>
George: No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about
that<br>
first moment where I'd take it off and see that look of disappointment
on her<br>
face.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Are you sure you like these sunglasses?<br>
<br>
Elaine moves the rear view mirror so she can check out her sunglasses
and this<br>
causes George to swerve and hit something.<br>
<br>
<br>
Cut back to Kramer and Jerry at Jerry's apartment.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know
I'm<br>
somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Why not?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got<br>
problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes.<br>
<br>
Kramer and Jerry start 'sparring'.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you?<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
Jerry: No, I like Mike.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great<br>
conversation.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh yeah? What did you talk about?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty<br>
interesting things to say.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh yeah? What did he say?<br>
<br>
Kramer: You have to know everything, don't you?<br>
<br>
Jerry: No, come on, Kramer. What did he say?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Why is that? Why do you have to know everything?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Kramer, just tell me what the guy said.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Beg me.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Please, don't make me beg.<br>
<br>
Kramer: No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it,
I just<br>
want you to put some beg into it. Go on.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Kramer, please tell me what the guy said.<br>
<br>
Kramer: No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg.
No,<br>
it's close, but uh...<br>
<br>
Jerry: Kramer!<br>
<br>
Kramer: Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff
in<br>
confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking
the<br>
vault, it's a vault!<br>
<br>
Kramer: He thinks you're a phony.<br>
<br>
Jerry: He what?<br>
<br>
Kramer: I told you, he thinks you're a phony.<br>
<br>
Jerry: A phony? He called me a phony?<br>
<br>
Kramer: A big phone. A big one.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?!<br>
<br>
Kramer: You begged me.<br>
<br>
<br>
Cut back to Elaine and George in Jerry's car, the car is now making a
clanking<br>
noise.<br>
<br>
George: Do you hear that?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Of course I hear that.<br>
<br>
George: You had to move the mirror?<br>
<br>
Elaine: I wanted to check out my sunglasses.<br>
<br>
George: I went to look in the mirror, it wasn't there. You threw off my<br>
equilibrium.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh yeah, blame it on me because you can't drive, George.<br>
<br>
George: I can't drive?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah.<br>
<br>
George: Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you
have<br>
no idea they're going on. Wanna see me make a right turn from the left
lane? <br>
Watch this.<br>
<br>
Elaine: No, I really don't.<br>
<br>
George: And I can make a left turn from the right lane too.<br>
<br>
Elaine: I'm sure you could.<br>
<br>
George: What are we gonna tell Jerry about the car?<br>
<br>
Elaine: I don't know.<br>
<br>
George: Alright, start looking for spaces.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put
it in a<br>
garage.<br>
<br>
George: Look, I have my system. First I look for the dream spot right
in front<br>
of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to
spend<br>
an hour looking for a space.<br>
<br>
George: I can't park in a garage.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Why?<br>
<br>
George: I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking,<br>
it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking; my mother, my brother,<br>
nobody. We can't do it.<br>
<br>
Elaine: I'll pay for it.<br>
<br>
George: You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's<br>
like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself,
maybe I<br>
could get it for free? (he hears a horn honking) What? What do you want?
Go<br>
around me, I'm looking for spaces.<br>
<br>
Elaine (pointing backwards): Oh George, there's a space right there!<br>
<br>
George (putting the car in reverse): Oh beautiful! Look at that, the dream<br>
space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true, what
did<br>
I tell you?<br>
<br>
Elaine: You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.<br>
<br>
They share a laugh.<br>
<br>
George: Alright, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. (spitting
into<br>
his hands and rubbing them together) How I wish you could make a living<br>
parallel parking. (turning around in his seat) It's all geometry, knowing
all<br>
the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back
in,<br>
that's the key.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Will you just park it already?<br>
<br>
George: There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing.
It's<br>
so inborn, I can't pass it on. (begins backing into the space) Look at
this<br>
guy. Are you crazy, what are you doing?! Hey! Hey, you're stealing my
space!<br>
<br>
Elaine: George, wait, you don't know who this guy is, people kill for
a parking<br>
space in this city.<br>
<br>
George: No no no, he's not getting away with this.<br>
<br>
Elaine: George?<br>
<br>
George gets out of the car to confront the other driver.<br>
<br>
George: Hey, what are you doing?<br>
<br>
Mike: I think I'm parking my car.<br>
<br>
George: You can't do that, you can't just sneak in from the back like
that.<br>
<br>
Mike: I'm not sneaking. I didn't even know you were parking, you were
just<br>
sitting there three spaces up.<br>
<br>
George: Well if you didn't think I was parking, why did you put it in
head<br>
first?<br>
<br>
Mike: Well that's the way I park. Anyway, you didn't start backing in
until I<br>
pulled in.<br>
<br>
George: I was in the middle of a conversation.<br>
<br>
Mike: Hey, buddy, what can I tell you?<br>
<br>
George: The point is I was here first.<br>
<br>
Mike: I was closer to this space than you were.<br>
<br>
George: But I'm backing in! You can't put it in head first!<br>
<br>
Mike: I can if I have room!<br>
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
George: Are you gonna move the car?<br>
<br>
Mike: No, I'm not gonna move the car.<br>
<br>
George: Jerk!<br>
<br>
Mike: Oh, you're not?<br>
<br>
George: Do you believe this guy?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Come on, we'll put it in a garage.<br>
<br>
George: I am not putting it in a garage, it's my space.<br>
<br>
Elaine: What are you gonna do, you just gonna leave it here like this?
Uh. <br>
I'm going upstairs.<br>
<br>
George: Are you coming back down?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, I gotta tell Jerry we're here. I gotta go to the bathroom.<br>
<br>
George: Alright, just make sure he reserves the good chair for me. Wait,
what<br>
are you gonna tell him about the clanking noise in the car?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Me? No no no, you. You're gonna tell him. I'm not gonna tell-
Noo.<br>
<br>
George: Oh, come on, you're good at this.<br>
<br>
Elaine: What am I gonna say?<br>
<br>
George: I don't know, I don't know, you'll think of something.<br>
<br>
Elaine heads upstairs. Mike honks his horn, George honks his in retaliation.<br>
<br>
<br>
Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is moving chairs, Elaine bursts in.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, under the counter. What happened?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through
on the<br>
way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing
a<br>
bag of chips off the counter)<br>
<br>
Jerry (bending down to pick up the chips): Tell me what happened.<br>
<br>
Elaine (after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted
and<br>
pretending to have downed it): Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth
at<br>
the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack
of<br>
extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some<br>
reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed
the<br>
toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?!
<br>
So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like
a<br>
souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly
and the<br>
car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such
a<br>
great driver.<br>
<br>
Jerry: He is?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the
air.<br>
<br>
Jerry: A gun?!<br>
<br>
Elaine: I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into
the<br>
city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went
home.<br>
<br>
Jerry: My god, are you okay?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole
and now<br>
it's making a clanking noise.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important
thing.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Exactly.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Where's George now?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some
guy<br>
about a parking space.<br>
<br>
Jerry: What are you talking about?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Look out the window, you'll see.<br>
<br>
Jerry (leaning out the window): Hey Georgie!<br>
<br>
George: Hey!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Are you okay?<br>
<br>
George: Yeah, I'm fine.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Crazy kids, huh?<br>
<br>
George: What?<br>
<br>
Elaine (desperate to distract Jerry): Ow!! (Jerry looks over) It's my
cuticle.<br>
<br>
Mike: Is that Jerry? Jerry?!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh, hey Mike.<br>
<br>
George What, you know Jerry?<br>
<br>
Mike: Yeah, I know Jerry.<br>
<br>
George: How do you know him?<br>
<br>
Mike: What's the difference?<br>
<br>
George: Because I know him too, and probably a lot better than you.<br>
<br>
Mike: Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real<br>
piece of work!<br>
<br>
Jerry: I'm coming down.<br>
<br>
Mike: Hey, will you tell Kramer I'm outside?<br>
<br>
George, What, you know Kramer?!<br>
<br>
Kramer walks into Jerry's apartment.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Hi.<br>
<br>
Kramer (acting standoffish): Hello.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you.<br>
<br>
Kramer (out the window): Hey, Mike! Come on up, the fight's almost starting!<br>
<br>
George: And you're watching the fight at Jerry's?<br>
<br>
Mike: Yeah.<br>
<br>
George: Oh great.<br>
<br>
Elaine: You know that guy downstairs?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, he's a real phony.<br>
<br>
Kramer: What's going on?!<br>
<br>
Mike: Hey, will you come on down? This guy's in my space!<br>
<br>
George: It's my space!<br>
<br>
Kramer: I'll be down in a minute.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Are you going down?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Is anything wrong?<br>
<br>
Kramer (leaving): Why should anything be wrong?<br>
<br>
Elaine (heading for the bathroom): Be down in a minute.<br>
<br>
Jerry grabs his jacket and walks out the door.<br>
<br>
Mike: Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my
car if<br>
I have to.<br>
<br>
George: I'll die out here.<br>
<br>
Two bystanders are discussing the incident.<br>
<br>
Bystander #1: He was down there. Once he passed his front bumper, it's
no<br>
longer his space.<br>
<br>
Bystander #2: No, it doesn't matter. He was-<br>
<br>
Mike: Hey! Jerry! Long time no see!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana.<br>
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
Mike: Hey Krame! You know this guy?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I know him.<br>
<br>
Mike (to Jerry): You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind
of<br>
regimen?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too
much<br>
so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another<br>
fifteen percent.<br>
<br>
Mike (laughing way too loud and hard): Ha ha ha ha!!! That's killer! Killer!
<br>
I love that! Ha ha ha!!! You gotta use that, that's a definite!! Ha ha
ha!!!<br>
<br>
George: Oh, come on.<br>
<br>
Mike: Hey! Your friend here has some real problems.<br>
<br>
George: Me? You see what he did here, you see how he tried to sneak into
my<br>
space?<br>
<br>
Mike: Hey, just 'cause I went in front first doesn't mean I'm sneaking
in.<br>
<br>
George: You only went in front first 'cause you saw me backing up and
you<br>
didn't have room to parallel park!<br>
<br>
Mike: I only went in front first 'cause I could make it in front first
and if<br>
you pull out I'll show you!<br>
<br>
George: You've got a prayer.<br>
<br>
Kramer: I go in front first all the time.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.<br>
<br>
Elaine shows up and pulls George aside.<br>
<br>
George: Did you talk to him?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, it's all taken care of.<br>
<br>
George: You told him? What did you tell him?<br>
<br>
Elaine: I did a number on him, it was a thing of beauty, you really had
to have<br>
been there to appreciate it.<br>
<br>
George: I don't believe it, what did you say?<br>
<br>
Elaine: I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing
us and<br>
they followed us into the city.<br>
<br>
George: A pack of teenagers?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved<br>
that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.<br>
<br>
George: You are a genius, it's as simple as that.<br>
<br>
Elaine: What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach
it<br>
but, you know it's inborn.<br>
<br>
Elaine and George rejoin the others.<br>
<br>
Kramer: By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market.<br>
<br>
Elaine: What?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.<br>
<br>
George: Oh great.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I didn't know.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.<br>
<br>
George: Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.<br>
<br>
Mike: A flea market? You went to a flea market??<br>
<br>
George: Hey, who's talking to you?<br>
<br>
Elaine: We just didn't think of you.<br>
<br>
Kramer: You said it, sister.<br>
<br>
George: What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody
I know<br>
and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?<br>
<br>
People forget. Look at &quot;Home Alone&quot;. They forgot.<br>
<br>
George: Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything!<br>
<br>
George: Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement.<br>
<br>
Jerry: You're right. My fault.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Kramer? I'm so sorry, really.<br>
<br>
George: Yeah, I'm sorry.<br>
<br>
Kramer: I'm sorry, I don't care for that sorry.<br>
<br>
George: What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was
that<br>
a good sorry?<br>
<br>
Jerry: It was a so-so sorry.<br>
<br>
A delivery truck pulls up and honks. The driver leans out of the cab.<br>
<br>
Truck Driver: Hey! Move this car, I gotta get through!<br>
<br>
George: You heard the man. I guess you gotta be moving your car.<br>
<br>
Mike: And like you're not gonna just back it in if I do that?<br>
<br>
Truck Driver: Well somebody better move something soon! I got a truck
full of<br>
ice cream here!<br>
<br>
Fade out/in.<br>
<br>
Elaine: You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through,<br>
right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan<br>
drivers to move them.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Wild pack of teenagers, huh?<br>
<br>
George: Yeah.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Yeah. I know, I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?<br>
<br>
George: Uh huh.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering,<br>
<br>
George: Well, you know, It's interesting, you know, under that pressure,
what<br>
you're capable of.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Right.<br>
<br>
George: I learned a lot about myself.<br>
<br>
Jerry: What did you do to my car?!<br>
<br>
George: I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror, I got discombobulated.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I thought you said you were a good driver!<br>
<br>
George: No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I think you said driver.<br>
<br>
George: Parker, I never said driver, I said parker, a great parker.<br>
<br>
Mike: Will you move it up a little bit?<br>
<br>
George: No no no, that's in the right position.<br>
<br>
Mike: No no, I was further in.<br>
<br>
George: No you weren't. Stop there, that's fine.<br>
<br>
Mike: Do you mind?<br>
<br>
George: Do you?<br>
<br>
Sid: Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hey Sid.<br>
<br>
Mike: Who are you?<br>
<br>
Sid: Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? (to<br>
George) Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything
gets<br>
disrupted and disjointed?<br>
<br>
George: Sid, it's completely his fault.<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
Mike: Oh, right.<br>
<br>
Sid: Why don't you start taking the bus?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The<br>
fight's starting in two minutes.<br>
<br>
George: Don't do it!<br>
<br>
Jerry: What are we gonna do, stay out here all night?<br>
<br>
George: Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Why don't you just flip a coin already?<br>
<br>
George: No no, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying
that<br>
anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well
I'm<br>
making a stand here. I'm saying *no* to head first parking. I'm not putting
up<br>
with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting
up with<br>
head first parking.<br>
<br>
Elaine: You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating
about<br>
what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.<br>
<br>
George: So you're against me now?<br>
<br>
An old man and Matthew, the boy who's father owns the 'fat free' frozen
yogurt<br>
store, are discussing the incident.<br>
<br>
Angry man: He could have pulled up to the car and backed in, but he chose
to go<br>
in head first.<br>
<br>
Matthew: No he couldn't, because the other car was already backing in.<br>
<br>
Angry Man: No he wasn't.<br>
<br>
Matthew: All that matters is who was there first.<br>
<br>
Angry Man: Ahh, you're not even old enough to drive, you little puke.<br>
<br>
Matthew: You just spit on me!<br>
<br>
Angry Man: Don't you raise your voice to me!<br>
<br>
Matthew: You're not my father.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hey Matthew.<br>
<br>
Matthew: Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.<br>
<br>
Jerry: How ya doing?<br>
<br>
Matthew: Okay.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store.<br>
<br>
Matthew: What?!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oh no, nothing.<br>
<br>
Matthew: What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business?<br>
<br>
Jerry: No, no, no, no.<br>
<br>
Matthew: We're not going to have any money? We're out of money?<br>
<br>
Jerry: No, of course not, of course not!<br>
<br>
Matthew: Mommy!? Jerry says daddy's closing the store. He's going out
of<br>
business. We don't have any money?<br>
<br>
Maryedith: Jerry?! What's the matter with you?<br>
<br>
Jerry: I didn't--<br>
<br>
Maryedith (to Kramer): Boy, I don't know about your friend, Jerry. He
says<br>
some pretty stupid things sometimes.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Oh, congratulations.<br>
<br>
Maryedith: What for?<br>
<br>
Kramer: Well, you're pregnant.<br>
<br>
Maryedith: What?<br>
<br>
Kramer: You're not pregnant?<br>
<br>
Maryedith: No, I'm not pregnant.<br>
<br>
Kramer: Are you sure you're not pregnant?<br>
<br>
Maryedith: Yes, I'm sure!<br>
<br>
Kramer: That's weird.<br>
<br>
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew.<br>
<br>
Matthew: No.<br>
<br>
Maryedith: Come on, Matthew!<br>
<br>
Kramer: I thought she was pregnant.<br>
<br>
Jerry (to Elaine): Hey, do you think I'm phony?<br>
<br>
Elaine: What?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Mike thinks I'm a phony.<br>
<br>
Elaine: He thinks you're a phony?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to
tell<br>
me.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Oh, you have to say something.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it.<br>
<br>
Elaine: You gotta open the vault.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Open my vault?<br>
<br>
Elaine: Open your vault.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault.<br>
<br>
Elaine: You have no choice.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Oy ga-vault.<br>
<br>
Newman (to Kramer): You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll
tell<br>
you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It<br>
reduces us to jungle law.<br>
<br>
George begins applauding.<br>
<br>
Kramer: When can you park head first?<br>
<br>
Newman: Never.<br>
<br>
Mike: What are you asking this guy for?<br>
<br>
Newman: Who's talking to you?<br>
<br>
George: He's right. never.<br>
<br>
Mike: Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the
way<br>
up to the front car?<br>
<br>
Newman: Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.<br>
<br>
George: When do you ever have ten car lengths?<br>
<br>
Kramer: What about Sundays and holidays?<br>
<br>
George: Oh please.<br>
<br>
A passerby (Sheila) stops and asks George,<br>
<br>
Sheila: What's going on here?<br>
<br>
George: Oh, this guy tried to sneak into my space.<br>
<br>
Sheila: I really hate people who do that. I hope you don't let him get
away<br>
with it.<br>
<br>
George: Well, thank you for your support.<br>
<br>
Sheila: Hey, that's a great hat.<br>
<br>
George: Really? You like it? I got it at a flea market today.<br>
<br>
Newman: Hey George, nice hat.<br>
<br>
George: Yeah, thanks.<br>
<br>
Newman: Can I try it on?<br>
<br>
George: No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.<br>
<br>
Newman: Well sure it would.<br>
<br>
George: No! Get out of here, Newman.<br>
<br>
Newman: Come on, let me try it on.<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
George: No, Newman, stop it.<br>
<br>
Sheila: Let him try it on.<br>
<br>
George: I don't want him to!<br>
<br>
Sheila: What is wrong with you?<br>
<br>
George: You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate)
There! <br>
There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?!
<br>
Here! Try on the hat!<br>
<br>
Newman: Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking.<br>
<br>
George: Alright, just keep the hat!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs,<br>
who's coming? Elaine?<br>
<br>
Elaine: It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going?<br>
<br>
Kramer: I'm not going if he's going.<br>
<br>
Newman: Me either.<br>
<br>
George: I'm not going if he's going.<br>
<br>
Mike: Well I'm going.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Well if he's going then I'm not going.<br>
<br>
Newman: But it's your house.<br>
<br>
Jerry: I still don't have to go.<br>
<br>
Elaine: Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.<br>
<br>
Mike: Why won't you go if I go?<br>
<br>
Jerry: Why? I'll tell you why.<br>
<br>
Kramer: No. Don't, Jerry.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony?<br>
<br>
Mike: What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think<br>
you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary
way. I<br>
mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good,
sort of<br>
thing? You know, slang.<br>
<br>
Jerry: Use it in a sentence.<br>
<br>
Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell
him?!?<br>
<br>
Kramer: He begged me.<br>
<br>
Mike: He begged you?!<br>
<br>
Jerry: Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight?<br>
<br>
Two police officers walk up.<br>
<br>
Cop #1: Okay, who's cars are these? Let's move 'em. Let's go.<br>
<br>
George: Officer, could I just explain something to you?<br>
<br>
Cop #1: Hey. Let's go or I'm gonna write both of you a ticket in about
two<br>
minutes.<br>
<br>
George: Officer, he can't pull in head first.<br>
<br>
Mike: Officer, he backed up from down the street. He was double-parked,
he was<br>
sitting there.<br>
<br>
Cop #1: Alright, you move your car. It's his space, you can't go in head<br>
first.<br>
<br>
Cop #2: Wait a second. Why can't he go in head first? He said the guy
was<br>
just sitting over there.<br>
<br>
Cop #1: What are you talking about? This guy was here first.<br>
<br>
Cop #2: But he didn't take it.<br>
<br>
Cop #1: Hey, it's his space.<br>
<br>
Cop #2: No, it's his space.<br>
<br>
Cut to Jerry entering his apartment, George and Mike can be heard arguing<br>
through the window.<br>
<br>
George: Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!<br>
<br>
Mike: Well, you're gonna have to go to work!<br>
<br>
George: I don't have a job!<br>
<br>
Mike: Neither do I!<br>
<br>
Jerry closes the window, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote and
turns<br>
on the TV.<br>
<br>
Referee: Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. *ding*<br>
<br>
Jerry falls over and hides his face in the couch cushion.<br>
<br>
<br>
Closing monologue.<br>
<br>
People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they
think,<br>
'If I don't get this one, I may never get a space.' You know? 'I'll be<br>
circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.' I think
because<br>
everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking<br>
spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's
like<br>
Musical Chairs except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is car<br>
manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year,
they're<br>
not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't<br>
that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving turntable,<br>
and there's nothing on it. New from Chrysler, a space.<br>
<br>
<br>
End.
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