823 lines
41 KiB
HTML
823 lines
41 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Pen</h1>
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Transcribed by: Christian Fecteau</p>
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<p>Written by Lary David<br>
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Directed by Tom Cherones<br>
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Broadcast date: 2 Oct 91</p>
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<p>REGULARS:<br>
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(George and Kramer do not appear in this episode)<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld [Jerry]<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus [Elaine]</p>
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<p>RECURRENT CHARACTERS:<br>
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Barney Martin [Morty]<br>
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Liz Sheridan [Helen]<br>
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Sandy Baron [Jack Klompus]<br>
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Annie Korzen [Doris Klompus]<br>
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Ann Morgan Gilbert [Evelyn]<br>
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Len Lesser [Uncle Leo]</p>
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<p>GUEST STARS:<br>
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Magda Harout [Stella]<br>
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Roger Nolan [The Chiropractor]<br>
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Tucker Smallwood [The Photographer]</p>
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<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life.
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I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing
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suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go
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down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear
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one of theirs. You know how that gets? "You need trunks son? I've
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got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks." Fathers don't wear bathing
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suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear
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if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like
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floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that
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you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You
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bump into somebody you know: "No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for
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the boat to come back."</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: Florida, evening, condo of Jerry's parents]</p>
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<p>HELEN: (looking by the window) They were supposed to be here at 7:30.
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Call the airlines again.</p>
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<p>MORTY: (searching in a kitchen drawer) What happened to the scotch tape?
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Who takes the scotch tape? Nobody returns anything around here.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Oh I think that's them!</p>
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<p>MORTY: You what I'll do next time? I'll hide it so nobody can find it.</p>
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<p>(Jerry and Elaine enter)</p>
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<p>ALL: Hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc.</p>
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<p>MORTY: Welcome to Florida!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, there's the old man! (hug)</p>
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<p>MORTY: So, what took you so long?</p>
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<p>JERRY: We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place.</p>
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<p>HELEN: I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you
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up.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's the difference?</p>
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<p>HELEN: You could have used our car.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't wanna use your car.</p>
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<p>HELEN: What's wrong with our car?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it?</p>
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<p>HELEN: We don't use it.</p>
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<p>MORTY: What are you talking? We use it.</p>
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<p>HELEN: If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So what would you do? You'd hitch?</p>
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<p>HELEN: How much is a rent-a-car?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't know. 25 bucks a day.</p>
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<p>HELEN: What? You're crazy.</p>
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<p>MORTY: Plus the insurance.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, I didn't get the insurance.</p>
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<p>MORTY: How could you not get the insurance?</p>
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<p>HELEN: We'll pay for the car.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're not paying for it.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't)</p>
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<p>JERRY: God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?</p>
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<p>HELEN: You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all
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ready?</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech?</p>
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<p>HELEN: Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could
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do your comic routines.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake?</p>
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<p>JERRY: The lake isn't real.</p>
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<p>HELEN: The lake is real.</p>
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<p>MORTY: Are you kidding? They built the lake.</p>
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<p>HELEN: But it's real. It's water.</p>
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<p>(Jerry and Elaine take their luggages to the guest room)</p>
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<p>HELEN: Where are you going with those?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Don't sleep in there. You can you use the bedroom.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I can't take your bedroom.</p>
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<p>HELEN: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I can't kick you out of your bed.</p>
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<p>HELEN: We don't even sleep.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ma.</p>
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<p>HELEN: But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (to Morty) What about you?</p>
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<p>MORTY: Why should I be comfortable?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (to Helen) What about him?</p>
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<p>HELEN: Don't worry, he's comfortable.</p>
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<p>MORTY: I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Will you stop?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room)</p>
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<p>HELEN: (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so Elaine won't hear) Jerry.
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You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could
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stay in there together.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No that's not such a good idea.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Well I tought that...</p>
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<p>JERRY: Not now. She's right inside.</p>
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<p>HELEN: (quieter) What happened?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple.</p>
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<p>HELEN: What does that mean?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well...</p>
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<p>MORTY: (comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) Why are you whispering?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Shh! Nothing, nothing.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Elaine...</p>
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<p>MORTY: (still loud) What about her?</p>
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<p>JERRY: (tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest
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room to get more luggages, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know,
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look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just
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goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go
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back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable.
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It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry
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goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangments, but we can't seem
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to be friend when we sleep together.</p>
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<p>MORTY: (Morty goes on louder! Did he ever whisper in any episode? :-)
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Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.</p>
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<p>HELEN: He's an idealist.</p>
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<p>MORTY: What the hell are you looking for?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking.</p>
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<p>HELEN: He likes looking.</p>
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<p>MORTY: So look.</p>
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<p>HELEN: But how long can you look?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm going for the record.</p>
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<p>(Morty walks away with a face like he disagrees with Jerry)</p>
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<p>HELEN: You know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you
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came.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, come on.</p>
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<p>HELEN: This is a big thing for him. Outgoing president of the condo association.</p>
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<p>(knock on door: this is Jack and Doris, neigboors)</p>
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<p>MORTY: Aha!</p>
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<p>DORIS: So they arrived safely.</p>
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<p>MORTY: (to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Nice to meet you. This is Elaine.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hi. Nice to meet you.</p>
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<p>JACK: So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: And scuba diving.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?</p>
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<p>JERRY: We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.</p>
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<p>HELEN: What do you have to go scuba diving for?</p>
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<p>JERRY: For fun.</p>
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<p>HELEN: For fun?</p>
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<p>MORTY: Jack have some spong cake.</p>
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<p>JACK: No. thanks, no.</p>
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<p>MORTY: Jack is emceeing tomorrow. He's in charge of the whole thing.</p>
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<p>JACK: So Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy
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skit tommsorow?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't think so.</p>
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<p>JACK: No? Listen Morty you wanna settle up for last night? (Morty nods)
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All right. I owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks book and a pen from his
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pocket).</p>
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<p>MORTY: What did you have? You had the minute steak?</p>
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<p>JACK: Yeah.</p>
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<p>MORTY: Did you have a coke or what?</p>
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<p>JACK: I did NOT have a coke.</p>
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<p>MORTY: Somebody had a coke.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Oh I had a coke.</p>
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<p>DORIS: And I had the scampi.</p>
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<p>JACK: So that's 17.10$ and the tax and the tip.</p>
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<p>MORTY: All right. Make it 20 bucks.</p>
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<p>JACK: It's: 19.45$, Morty. (he gives him the check)</p>
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<p>MORTY: 19.45$ ?</p>
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<p>JACK: See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but
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that's why he was such a good president.</p>
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<p>(Jerry notices Klompus's pen)</p>
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<p>JERRY: What kind of pen is that?</p>
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<p>JACK: This pen?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>JACK: This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this
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in space.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you
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get it?</p>
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<p>JACK: Oh it was a gift.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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my elbow to make the pen works.</p>
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<p>JACK: Take the pen.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh no.</p>
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<p>JACK: Go ahead.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I couldn't</p>
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<p>JACK: Come on, take the pen!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I can't take it.</p>
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<p>JACK: Do me a personal favor!</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, I'm not...</p>
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<p>JACK: Take the pen!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I cannot take it!</p>
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<p>JACK: Take the pen!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Are you sure?</p>
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<p>JACK: Positive! Take the pen!</p>
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<p>JERRY: O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy!</p>
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<p>HELEN: Jack, what are you doing?</p>
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<p>JACK: Stop it!</p>
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<p>DORIS: Jack, we should go. (they go to the door) It was nice to meeting
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you.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Mmm, nice to meet you.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Thanks again.</p>
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<p>JACK: Come on!</p>
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<p>DORIS: (to Morty) She's adorable. (they leave)</p>
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<p>HELEN: (as soon as the door's closed) What did you take his pen for?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What he gave it to me.</p>
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<p>HELEN: You didn't have to take it.</p>
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<p>MORTY: Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.</p>
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<p>JERRY: He offered it to me.</p>
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<p>HELEN: Because you made such a big fuss about it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?</p>
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<p>HELEN: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do?
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(the camera shows Elaine shaking her head at their dispute)</p>
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<p>JERRY: He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too" and put
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it back in his pocket.</p>
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<p>HELEN: He loves that pen.</p>
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<p>MORTY: Oh come on!</p>
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<p>HELEN: He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he
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goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use
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it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it.</p>
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<p>HELEN: He didn't think you'd accpet.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, he was wrong.</p>
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<p>HELEN: I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone
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in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about
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it right now. (againe we see Elaine smiling at their argument)</p>
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<p>JERRY: So you want me to return it?</p>
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<p>HELEN: Yes.</p>
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<p>MORTY: He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey I don't even want the pen now!</p>
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<p>MORTY: Jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. Believe
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me. He gives me a check for 19.45. He didn't have a Coke. Ho, ho, ho!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Here, let me see it. (She takes a pad to try the pen) Hey, it
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wrtites upside down.</p>
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<p>(scene ends)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[setting: condo's guest room]</p>
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<p>(Elaine is lying on the sofa bed. It's too hot. She can't fall asleep)</p>
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<p>(knock on door)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Come in.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Are you O.K. in here?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this?</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We
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leave on Sunday. It's one day, really.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing
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me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my
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feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I am never gonna fall asleep.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, don't say that. You'll jinx me.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: How can they not put the air conditioning on?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They're nuts with temperature.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How about that guy writing a check for 19.45?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers
|
|
and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping
|
|
his fingers)</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: condo, morning]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and Morty are sitting at the table, Helen is at the counter. Elaine's
|
|
still sleeping? Well, she's still in the guest room.)</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn.
|
|
Put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. Then you're
|
|
gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne.
|
|
You understand me?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Stay on Biscayne.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: You're going underwater?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's
|
|
so special?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's so special up here?</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine open the guest room's door and she's in pain)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh!</p>
|
|
<p>(everybody get up and walk to her)</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: What's the matter?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: My back.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: What happened?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: That... That bed. The bar was right in my back.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: (to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep in there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Then YOU would be hunched over.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't even know if I can go scuba diving.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You can't go?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: So stay home.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You can go.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Don't go.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You sure?</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Maybe you should see a doctor.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: We'll stay in a hotel tonight.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (whispering to Jerry) Yes!</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: No, we'll stay in there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why don't you get a new sofa?</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Nobody uses it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm buying you a new sofa.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Oh Jerry, don't talk crazy.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner
|
|
on.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: You're hot?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I've lost 6 pounds.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: I don't even know how to work it.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: I keep telling her it's like an oven in here.</p>
|
|
<p>(Evelyn, a neighboor, enters)</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Is everybody up?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hi. How are you?</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Hello Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Evelyn, this is Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (with pain) Hi Evelyn.</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Jerry you got thin.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Too thin?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Oh stop worrying so much about how you look.</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: So where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's
|
|
talking about) What?</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: The pen. The one Jack Klompus gave you.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: How did you know that?</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Blanche told me.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Blanche?</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: That's some good pen. It writes upside down.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: The astronauts use them.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: What did Blanche say?</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I never really wanted the pen.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: He gave him the pen.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Morty.</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Why you don't like the pen?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, no, I...</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Cause if you don't like it, give it back to him.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Is that what she said?</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Who?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Blanche.</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>(The phone rings, Helen answers.)</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Hello? Oh hello Gussy. What? Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave
|
|
it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean nobody put a gun to his
|
|
head. (to Jerry) You're giving him back that pen. (She continues the discussion
|
|
with Gussy but we don't hear it.)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Somebody please-- THE AIR CONDITIONER!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: (Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about it.</p>
|
|
<p>(the phone conversation is over. Helen looks at Jerry.)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All I said was "I like the pen".</p>
|
|
<p>(Morty looks at the control panel for the air conditioner)</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: How the hell do you work this thing?</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: still the condo, later] </p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with pillows
|
|
under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking at Elaine. Helen
|
|
is wearing a sweater and she's freezing)</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Maybe you shouldn't go tonight.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No no, I wanna go.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: But your back hurts.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself)
|
|
You can turn down the air conditioning if you want.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: No. I'm fine.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You're not too cold?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: No.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry enters with a black eye)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Don't be alarmed.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Oh my God! What the hell happened to you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm O.K. My capillaries burst.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Having a good time!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: What happened to your eyes?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well I started to go under...</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: With the instructor?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous
|
|
pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: I told you...</p>
|
|
<p>(Jack enters, all dressed-up, smoking a cigar)</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Excuse me. (to Helen) Doris would like to borrow red your pocketbook
|
|
to go with her shoes. (to Elaine on the floor) The shoes have to match
|
|
the pocketbook. (to the others) What's she doing? Yoga?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: My back hurts.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JACK: Morty you gotta hurry up. Get ready.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: We got plenty of time.</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: (to Jerry) What happened to you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: It's from scuba diving.</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: What's there to see underwater?</p>
|
|
<p>(Helen turns to Jerry and makes a face like: give him back the pen)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give
|
|
me the pen, but I don't really need it.</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: You what?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he
|
|
tends the pen to Jack)</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Well I mean...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Take it.</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: All right! (he smiles and take it)</p>
|
|
<p>(Morty gets up and walks right to Jack)</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: You know Jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's
|
|
pen.</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Whose pen?</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: His pen.</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: This happens to be my pen.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: You didn't give it to him.</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: What are you talking about? He pratically begged me for it.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Where do you come off with this crap?</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Listen, do you think I take everything everybody offers me? You
|
|
offered me sponge cake yesterday. Did I take it?</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: You said you didn't want it!</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Then who the hell said you couldn't have any? I mean what the
|
|
hell do I care whether you have sponge cake?</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and Elaine can't beleive what they're hearing)</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the scotch
|
|
tape!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Ahh! Ahh! So YOU got the scotch tape! I've been looking all over
|
|
for it!</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Don't worry about it! I'll give it back!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: I don't want it!</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: I don't want it!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: You know Jack, do me a favor will you? Take the pen and the scotch
|
|
tape, and get the hell out of here!</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Listen do you think I give a damn?</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen.
|
|
Well that'it for them.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's
|
|
happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is
|
|
it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there
|
|
tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Isn't he supposed to be the emcee?</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well. This should be a very interesting evening.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (still on the floor) Uh... What about those muscle relaxers?</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: reception room, evening]</p>
|
|
<p>(Morty, Helen, Elaine and Jerry are standing for a photograph in the
|
|
entrance. Jerry wears sunglasses and Elaine is all drugged-up on muscle
|
|
relaxers.)</p>
|
|
<p>PHOTOGRAPHER: Say astronaut.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine is laughing for nothing and she walks right up to the lens of
|
|
the camera.)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Say what? (laughing) Say what?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Astronaut?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Say it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY, MORTY AND HELEN: Astronaut!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) Astro...naut!</p>
|
|
<p>(the image frozes and we see that the picture is awful, with Jerry and
|
|
his sunglasses, and Elaine laughing who can barely stand.)</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) What about last year
|
|
when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering
|
|
with his wife Stella)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (to Leo) Uncle Leo.</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: Hello!</p>
|
|
<p>STELLA: Morty are you nervous?</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: What nervous?</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: (to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the
|
|
sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I've got a black eye.</p>
|
|
<p>STELLA: (to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine, this is my aunt Stella.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: (shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) STELLA! STELLA!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (to Stella) Her back hurts.</p>
|
|
<p>STELLA: Humm... We saw you on "The Tonight Show" last week.</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, no.</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three
|
|
times already.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (still with her imitation, shouting even louder) STELLA! STELLA!</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: Listen, you should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material
|
|
for you.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: What are you talking? Jeffrey works for the parks department!</p>
|
|
<p>LEO: You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the
|
|
whole bunch of you! (Jack enters with Doris) Oh, here's Jack. We should
|
|
sit down.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jack and Morty exchange a look.)</p>
|
|
<p>STELLA: (to Helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) This better be good.
|
|
I'm missing "Golden Girls" for this.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: (laughing hypocritically till Stella walks away) I hate her like
|
|
poison.</p>
|
|
<p>(a few minutes later, the ceremony is about to begin. Someone in the
|
|
crowd yells: "Jack let's get started!" Everyone applause and
|
|
we see, from left to right, all sitting on the same side of a long table,
|
|
facing the public: Stella, Leo, Elaine, Jerry, Helen, Morty, Jack at the
|
|
microphone, Doris, and four other people.)</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: (on the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year,
|
|
Phase Two of the Pines of Mark Gables honors the previous year president.
|
|
And this year we are honoring Morty Seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone
|
|
yells: Morty!) A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: (to Helen) Slept on the job? (she shushed him)</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work,
|
|
dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these
|
|
qualities. (everyone laugh except Jerry, Helen, and Morty. Even Elaine
|
|
who's still druggy)</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: (Morty complains again to Helen) He's joking.</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: His administration did excel in one department: the hiring of incompetents.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: (to Jack, loud) That's what you say.</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the
|
|
crack in the sidewalk, he put Mrs Ziven out of commission for a few weeks.
|
|
(Morty is now the only one not laughing)</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: (loud) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about
|
|
that! (he gets up)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Dad!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: (to the crowd) He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back.
|
|
Tell them about that!</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: He gave it to me!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Come on. That's enough, sit down!</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: I'm not sitting down!</p>
|
|
<p>(they start to fight. Morty tries to get the microphone off Jack' hands.
|
|
He yells to Jack to give him the pen. Jerry gets up and tries to separate
|
|
them. We hear a feedback from the microphone and they stop to fight)</p>
|
|
<p>JACK: Ow! You broke my dental plate! (Jack is touching his dental plate
|
|
while Morty reaches in Jack's pocket to get the pen) Doris! He broke my
|
|
dental plate. You son-of-a-bitch! I'm gonna sue you. (he leaves the table
|
|
and Morty follows him and continue arguing with him. Jerry now have the
|
|
microphone in his hands and the crowd begins to think the ceremony is
|
|
over.)</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Jerry, do your act.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: They're all gonna leave.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks
|
|
doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN IN THE CROWD: Who are you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always
|
|
give you the peanuts on the planes?</p>
|
|
<p>WOMAN IN THE CROWD: (to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies first class.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine is almost asleep at the table)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is
|
|
a peanut?</p>
|
|
<p>MAN IN THE CROWD: I'd rather have a bottle of scotch!</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: (to Jerry) Do the dog routine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All I said was I liked the pen!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (wakes up and yells very loud) STELLA!</p>
|
|
<p>(Everybody stops talking and put their hands on their ears)</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: condo, morning]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine is sitting on the couch and a chiro is examining her. Jerry's
|
|
sitting next to her. Helen is standing beside them and Morty is still
|
|
asleep in the guest room)</p>
|
|
<p>CHIROPRACTOR: You could aggravated. I wouldn't go anywhere for at least
|
|
five days.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: There must be some mistake.</p>
|
|
<p>CHIROPRACTOR: I'm afraid not.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (discouraged) Five days. Here.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: (to Jerry, happily) So we have you for five more days!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean
|
|
you just gonna be...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Excuse me?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>(Evelyn enters)</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Good morning.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hi Evelyn.</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: (to Helen) Has Morty decided on a lawyer yet?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Because my nephew Larry could do it. He's a brilliant lawyer.
|
|
He says Jack has no case.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: I'll ask him when he gets up.</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Oh, and I spoke to Arnold. And he says that according to the
|
|
bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out
|
|
for unruly behavior. Not five. Doctor Chernov is the one you'll have to
|
|
suck up to.</p>
|
|
<p>(Morty gets up in a bad shape)</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Aw! Aw! Oh my back! Oh my back! It's that bar. Who the hell could
|
|
sleep on that thing?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: I was very comfortable.</p>
|
|
<p>EVELYN: Morty, Arnold says they need six votes to throw you out.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: It's in the constitution.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: (to the chiro) Who are you?</p>
|
|
<p>CHIROPRACTOR: I'm a chiropractor.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: What are you kidding me?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (to Jerry) Five more days?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday
|
|
we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It
|
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will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)</p>
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<p>(scene ends)</p>
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<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>[setting: night club, closing monologue]</p>
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<p>Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat.
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I mean if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired
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guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just
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sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going:
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"Close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun. I'm trying
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to get a sweat going."</p>
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<p>(end of the show)</p>
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<p>Transcribed by 2002 Christianada Industries</p>
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<p
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align="center"> </p>
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<!-- content -->
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
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</script>
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</div>
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<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<ul>
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<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
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<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
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<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
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<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
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<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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|
google_ad_width = 160;
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|
google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
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|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
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|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
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}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
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|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|