1086 lines
44 KiB
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1086 lines
44 KiB
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<h1>The Pilot (1)</h1>
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<div class="blogpost">
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<p>Transcribed by
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"The Maestro"<br />
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Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym<br />
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(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</p>
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<p>THE PILOT (1)</p>
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<p>[setting: night
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club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: To me,
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the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely
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scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type
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meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the
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one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored
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couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public
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speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means
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to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better
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off in the casket than doing the eulogy.</p>
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<p>[setting: Jerry's]</p>
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<p>(Jerry is entering
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his apartment, following by Kramer)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Why can't
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I play Kramer?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Look we've
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been through this already. You're not an actor!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Neither
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are you.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I know.
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So why do we need two people in the show that can't act?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh come
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on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's
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funny.</p>
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<p>JERRY: My grandmother's
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in the hospital.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ha ha
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ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital!</p>
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<p>JERRY: This is
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real believable.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: What you
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didn't think I was really laughing?</p>
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<p>JERRY: It stinks.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Let me
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see you do it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Say something
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funny.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright.
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I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ah..........</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Mine was
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better than that! Come on look. (starts to laugh again, Jerry too)</p>
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<p>(George enters
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while they're both laughing)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why are
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two pretending to be laughing?</p>
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<p>JERRY: We're acting.
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(they stop laughing)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, real
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good. (George makes a face like: you stink) Any word from NBC?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't
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understand. They're supposed to be casting this week. Something's wrong.
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Maybe they're not doing it.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (to Jerry)
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Well at least let me audition.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (to George)
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He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (to George)
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Yeah!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Out of
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the question.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oughh!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (to Jerry)
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How could we not hear anything? What's with this Russel? What's he doing?
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(Jerry raises his arms and shoulders like: he doesn't know)</p>
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<p>(scene ends)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[setting: Peter
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McManus cafe, an Italian restaurant]</p>
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<p>(Elaine and Russell
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are sitting down at a table)</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: I really
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appreciate you coming.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, that's
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O.K. I don't have much time though. So...</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: All right,
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first of all, I want to apologize for all the phone calls. It's just--It's
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just-- (awkward pause) I don't understand, we went out once...</p>
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<p>ELAINE: That was
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two months ago.</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: Yes I
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know. I just-- I can't get you out of my mind. Ever since that-- that
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day in the restaurant when we met... (we see a flashback from 'The Shoes'
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of Elaine showing her cleavage and asking Russell for his Ketchup secret)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Russell,
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you are the president of NBC. You can have any woman you want. (picks
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up the bowl of munchies on the table)</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: But I
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want you.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: God I
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hate these mixtures. Why don't they just put pretzels on the table.
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Even peanuts would be good, but I don't know how eats these cheesy things
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(she does).</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: Is it
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something I said... or did?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Um...
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Look Russell... You're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with
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you. I don't like television... and that's your world. That's your life.
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I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something,
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that would be different, but network television... I mean, come on,
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Russell, you're part of the problem.</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: Oh Elaine,
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we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got
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some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright
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young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh yeah,
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oh yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did
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you ever notice that?" guy.</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: Yeah.
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Anyway it's a ground breaking show.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Really?
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What is it about?</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: (a little
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more enthusiast) Well, really, it's very unusual. It's about nothing.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (surprised)
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What do you mean it's about nothing?</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: (starts
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doing George at the first meeting with NBC in 'The Pitch') For example,
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what did you do today?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Um, I
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got up. Um, I went to work. Then I came here.</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: There's
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a show. that's a show.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Russell,
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see, I'm really not interested in this stuff and I do have to go to
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work (she gets up). So...</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: (stops
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doing George, he's down again) Elaine, When--when--when are we gonna
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see each other again.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'm sorry
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Russell. I'm sorry O.K.? Bye-bye. (Russell, still sitting watches her
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leaving).</p>
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<p>(scene ends)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[setting: Jerry's]</p>
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<p>(back to when
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we left earlier with Jerry, Kramer and George. Jerry is answering the
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phone while Kramer is about to go back into his apartment)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hello?
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Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: He's getting
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phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips
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out of a big bag)</p>
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<p>(Kramer sits down
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and starts to talk on the phone)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (to George)
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Again with the sweat pants?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What?
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I'm comfortable.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You know
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the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants?
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You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society.
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I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable." (George is baffled)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (to the
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phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call
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you back. (Jerry and George look at each other)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (to Kramer)
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Who is it?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: That's
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NBC.</p>
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<p>JERRY: NBC!?!
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Give me the phone!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I'm in
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the middle of a conversation here.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Get off
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the phone!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (to the
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phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up)</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>JERRY: You know
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I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Russell
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Dalrimple's secretary.</p>
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<p>JERRY: All right.
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Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah it's
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Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot.
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(hangs up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 4:00. We're in business
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baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed)</p>
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<p>(scene ends)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[setting: Dana's
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office]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What if
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the pilot gets picked up and it becomes a series?</p>
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<p>DANA: That'd be
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wonderful George, you'll be rich and successful.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah,
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that's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful.
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He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.</p>
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<p>DANA: I thought
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you didn't believe in God?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I do for
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the bad things.</p>
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<p>DANA: Do you hear
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what you're saying? God isn't out to get you George. What... What is
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that on your lip?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
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<p>DANA: It's like
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a discoloration. It's white.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (gets
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up and picks a mirror) Yes. Yes, it's white. Why it's white.</p>
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<p>DANA: You'd better
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get that checked out.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Better
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get that checked out?</p>
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<p>DANA: I would.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What kind
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of a therapist are you? I'm telling I'm scared that something terrible
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is gonna happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?</p>
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<p>DANA: I'm trying
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to help you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What are
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you like a sadist? No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make 'em
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feel worse. I bet you're rooting for a tumor. (pointing to her)</p>
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<p>DANA: I think
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you'd better go.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh I'm
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going baby! I'm going! (he leaves)</p>
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<p>(scene ends)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[setting: Jerry
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and George in a cab at a light]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Where?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Right
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here. (showing his lip)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Get out
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of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The
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Heart Attack')</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (to the
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cab driver) Excuse me, do you see anything on my lip here?</p>
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<p>CABBIE: Yeah,
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it's like a discoloration.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, my
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God.</p>
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<p>CABBIE: Yeah,
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it's all white.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (to Jerry)
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It's all white Jerry! It's all white!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Would you
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stop?</p>
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<p>CABBIE: I would
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get that checked out if I were you.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Again
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with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the
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doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something.</p>
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<p>JERRY: If you
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go, maybe they'll catch it in time.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Catch
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what in time?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Whatever
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it is.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You think
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it's something?</p>
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<p>CABBIE: Ah! I
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hate these bums with their filthy rags. No no no, I don't want it, get
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away, get away from my car (he starts his wipers)</p>
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<p>JERRY: (to George)
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You know these squeegee-- Oh my God! It's crazy Joe Devola. (they both
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% )</p>
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<p>JOE DEVOLA: (through
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the opened window's cab) Good luck on the pilot Jerry. (the cab pulls
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away)</p>
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<p>(scene ends)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[setting: NBC]</p>
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<p>(Stu and Jay are
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sitting. George is standing in front of them, asking about his lip.
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The Casting Director, a woman, is sitting across from them on a couch.
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Jerry is in the back, standing and looking through the window. There's
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a box of raisins on the coffee table.)</p>
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<p>STU: (to George)
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Yeah I think I see it. It's like a white discoloration.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (to Jay)
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|
What do you think it is?</p>
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<p>JAY: It's like
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a... white discoloration. (we understand now why a sitcom needs so many
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producers)</p>
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<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
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O.K. guys, are we ready to start?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, where
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is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here.</p>
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|
<p>(George sits down
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next to Stu and Jay, and grabs a magazine and the box of raisins. Jerry
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walks over to Goerge and sits next to him.)</p>
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<p>STU: Oh you know
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I don't know. I saw him in the hall this morning, I said hello to him.
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He walked right past me.</p>
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|
<p>JAY: He must be
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worried about the fall schedule.</p>
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<p>STU: Ah, it's
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|
a real bear.</p>
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|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah.
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|
So what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot and then it's gonna
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be on TV the following week?</p>
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<p>STU: Yeah. Right.</p>
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<p>(the casting director
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enters with an actor)</p>
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<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
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|
This is Mark Matts. He'll be auditioning for the role of George. (the
|
|
guy looks very cool and casual, and has a lot of hair)</p>
|
|
<p>MARK: Hey how
|
|
you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (thinking)
|
|
They've gotta be kidding.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (thinking)
|
|
This guy's perfect.</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
O.K. Let's read this. I'll be reading Jerry's part.</p>
|
|
<p>MARK: Anyone call
|
|
for Vandelay Industries? (George is the only one in the room to find
|
|
Mark funny)</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
No. Why?</p>
|
|
<p>MARK: Listen to
|
|
me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay
|
|
Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when you answer the
|
|
phone now, you've got to say: "Vandelay Industries".</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
I'm Vandelay Industries?</p>
|
|
<p>MARK: Right.</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
What is that?</p>
|
|
<p>MARK: You're in
|
|
latex.</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
What do I do with latex?</p>
|
|
<p>MARK: I don't
|
|
know, you manufacture it.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts)</p>
|
|
<p>(the casting director
|
|
enters with another actor)</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
This is Michael Barth. Another George. (he's in sweat pants, bald, with
|
|
glasses)</p>
|
|
<p>ALL: Hi Michael.
|
|
How you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Everything
|
|
all right?</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: I just
|
|
came from the podiatrist. I have a mole on my foot. I've got a little
|
|
gangrene, they're probably gonna have to amputate. (everyone laugh except
|
|
George)</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
Any questions?</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: Yeah.
|
|
What are we looking at here? Is this guy like a real loser?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, not
|
|
a loser!</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
Let's start with the second scene. You have it here?</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: A man
|
|
gave me a, you know, massage. (everyone laugh except George)</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
So?</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: Well,
|
|
he-- he had his hands, you know, and uh, he was, huh, ...</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
He was what?</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: He was
|
|
you know... he was touching and rubbing. (loud laughter)</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
That's a massage.</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: I think
|
|
it moved.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts)</p>
|
|
<p>(the casting director
|
|
enters with a beautiful actress)</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
This is Melissa Shannon.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>MELISSA: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>ALL: Hi. How you
|
|
doing.</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
Melissa is reading for Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>MELISSA: It's
|
|
like a bald convention out there! (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made
|
|
a faux pas.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No you
|
|
didn't. He knows he's bald.</p>
|
|
<p>MELISSA: So how
|
|
about that guy wearing sweat pants? I mean did he do that for the part
|
|
or does he walk around like that? (Jerry approves with a nod, George
|
|
drops his notepad on the coffee table)</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the casting director sit down)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (getting
|
|
up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her.</p>
|
|
<p>MELISSA: Oh, great.</p>
|
|
<p>(the casting director
|
|
leaves the chair to Jerry. Jerry sits in front of Melissa and slides
|
|
the chair very close to her)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright,
|
|
want to start?</p>
|
|
<p>MELISSA: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: O.K.</p>
|
|
<p>MELISSA: Ahem.
|
|
What was that look?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What look?</p>
|
|
<p>MELISSA: That
|
|
look you just gave me?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I gave
|
|
a look?</p>
|
|
<p>MELISSA: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Thank
|
|
you! Thank you very much. (Jerry and Melissa stop and look at George)</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
Let's see some more Kramers.</p>
|
|
<p>(We see many short
|
|
scenes with a wide variety of fat, tall, or small actors opening the
|
|
door like Kramer does. Finally enters Tom Pepper, the guy that will
|
|
get the role of Kramer)</p>
|
|
<p>ALL: Hi. How you
|
|
doing?</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: (to Jerry
|
|
and very seriously) How you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (smiling
|
|
and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts)</p>
|
|
<p>(Tom and the casting
|
|
director are into a scene)</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
What is this about?</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: (standing)
|
|
Levels.</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
Levels?</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: Yeah. I'm
|
|
getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building... levels...
|
|
with steps... completely carpeted... (making the gesture of carpeting
|
|
steps) with pillows. (everyone laugh. He sits down) Like Ancient Egypt.</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that?</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: Oh! I'll
|
|
be comfortable. (laughter, applause. He gets up, goes to the coffee
|
|
table)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Very nice</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Very good</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Very nice
|
|
Tom, that was terrific.</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: May I? (pointing
|
|
the box of raisins)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Sure.
|
|
Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (to George)
|
|
It was a wonderful reading.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah.
|
|
Really.</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: Well, bye.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Take care.
|
|
Take it easy. (Tom leaves with the casting director)</p>
|
|
<p>STU: Now, I thought
|
|
he was really good, very funny.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, I
|
|
liked him.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What happened
|
|
to the raisins?</p>
|
|
<p>JAY: Yeah, there
|
|
was a box of raisins there!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Did he
|
|
just steal the raisins?</p>
|
|
<p>STU: You think
|
|
he stole them?</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
(enters with the real Kramer) This is Martin Van Nostrand.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (to Kramer)
|
|
What are you doing here?</p>
|
|
<p>CASTING DIRECTOR:
|
|
You two know each other?</p>
|
|
<p>STU: Wait a minute,
|
|
I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: That's
|
|
true.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and George
|
|
look at each other. They're gonna let Kramer have a shot at it. Kramer
|
|
unfold the script and smile at Jerry and George, very confident.)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (acting
|
|
very bad) I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again, but this time,
|
|
I went in. (pause, stops acting) Oh! Uh, where's the bathroom?</p>
|
|
<p>STU: I think if
|
|
you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.
|
|
Be right back. (Kramer leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>(We see Kramer,
|
|
groaning and holding his stomach, running down the hall, and opening
|
|
the bathroom's door. Someone in there says: "Sorry buddy, full house."
|
|
We then see Kramer outside leaving the building and running across the
|
|
street to a restaurant: "Sorry, customers only" ...running into a movie
|
|
theater: "Hey you need a ticket!" ...running through the park...)</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: Monk's]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and Elaine
|
|
at a booth)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So who's
|
|
playing Elaine?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, don't
|
|
worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Who is
|
|
it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She's an
|
|
eskimo, actually.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, my
|
|
God (not in the mood to be kidding)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She came
|
|
down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish
|
|
line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Listen,
|
|
was Russell at the casting?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, he
|
|
didn't show up.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You know,
|
|
I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date
|
|
two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No. No
|
|
you're not.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Why do
|
|
I keep setting you up?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't
|
|
know.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (to the
|
|
waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks
|
|
away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service
|
|
here is *really* slow.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Have
|
|
you noticed anything else that's different since the new management?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Mmm. They're
|
|
putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Beside
|
|
that. Look at the waitresses.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah?
|
|
(we see that all the waitresses have big breasts)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What physical
|
|
characteristic would you say is common to all of them?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ah...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I mean
|
|
look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions.
|
|
Wouldn't you say?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yes, I
|
|
would say.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's
|
|
going on here. How is that possible?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Do you
|
|
think it's a coincidence?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No. I haven't
|
|
seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.</p>
|
|
<p>(the waitress
|
|
finally came with the coffee)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (to the
|
|
waitress) Hi. Excuse me. Who does all the hiring waitresses here?</p>
|
|
<p>WAITRESS: He does.
|
|
(pointing to the manager, Mr. Visaki) In fact we're looking for another
|
|
girl if you know anyone. (she walks away)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You know
|
|
what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women
|
|
have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention
|
|
from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey that's
|
|
life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome
|
|
homeless.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: doctor's
|
|
clinic]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You see,
|
|
It's right here. It's all white...</p>
|
|
<p>DOCTOR: Oh yeah.
|
|
Yeah. I've never seen this before.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You've
|
|
never seen this before?</p>
|
|
<p>DOCTOR: I'm gonna
|
|
have to take a biopsy on that. (George grabs the doctor's arm)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (dramatically)
|
|
A what?</p>
|
|
<p>DOCTOR: A biopsy.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: A biopsy?</p>
|
|
<p>DOCTOR: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Cancer?
|
|
Is it cancer? Do I have cancer?</p>
|
|
<p>DOCTOR: Well I
|
|
don't know what it is.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: Jerry's]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: A biopsy!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What did
|
|
he say?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: He said
|
|
he didn't know what it was.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright.
|
|
So?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: When I
|
|
asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's
|
|
what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get outta here?"</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, maybe
|
|
he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How could
|
|
you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the
|
|
training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here!" "Go home! What
|
|
are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut.
|
|
You know that?" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut
|
|
him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never
|
|
should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll
|
|
make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this.
|
|
(showing his lip)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Can't you
|
|
at least die with a little dignity?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No I can't.
|
|
I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person
|
|
who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should
|
|
I die with dignity?</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey. What
|
|
happened to you yesterday?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I got
|
|
mugged.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You got
|
|
mugged?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Mugged?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well,
|
|
I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the
|
|
bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why didn't
|
|
you use the bathroom in the building?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: It was
|
|
full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I
|
|
mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided
|
|
to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me
|
|
and... </p>
|
|
<p>(door buzzer)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It's me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Come on
|
|
up.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: But now
|
|
I have a big problem, buddy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What is
|
|
it?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well,
|
|
I waited so long I-- I missed my chance.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You didn't
|
|
go?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No. And
|
|
now I can't get it back.</p>
|
|
<p>(George gives
|
|
back the sandwich to Jerry and goes to the bathroom)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The % thing
|
|
to do is just not think about it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: How could
|
|
you not think about it?</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine enters)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (mumbles
|
|
and leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What's
|
|
the matter with him?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: He's a
|
|
little backed up.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh...</p>
|
|
<p>(George gets back
|
|
from the bathroom and takes back the sandwich from Jerry's hand and
|
|
sit on the couch.)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So I spoke
|
|
to some of my sisters about that coffee shop.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, the
|
|
sisters (he sits at the table)</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine goes into
|
|
Jerry' bedroom)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (to Jerry)
|
|
Have you seen the waitresses in there lately? I never had so much coffee
|
|
in my life.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So we
|
|
decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Apply
|
|
for a job? What for?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Because,
|
|
it's discriminatory (she comes back wearing one of Jerry's shirt, untucked)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's a
|
|
coincidence.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: This is
|
|
what you gonna wear?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're
|
|
not gonna get the job.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Exactly.</p>
|
|
<p>(phone rings,
|
|
Jerry gets up and answers, Elaine sits on the couch's arm next to George
|
|
and takes a bite of his sandwich)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (to the
|
|
phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All
|
|
right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Who was
|
|
it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: TV Elaine.
|
|
She wants to get together and talk about the part.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What about
|
|
the dogs?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They're
|
|
having sex in the hotel room.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: Peter
|
|
McManus cafe, same table as earlier]</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and TV
|
|
Elaine: Sandi Robbins)</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: So, the
|
|
Elaine character is based on someone you know.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: And she's
|
|
really your ex-girlfriend?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Uh, Huh,
|
|
yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: I want
|
|
to get to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about
|
|
her.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, she's
|
|
fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing
|
|
people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window,
|
|
yet she's extremely dainty.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: How would
|
|
she eat a hamburger?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: With her
|
|
hands.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: What about
|
|
pasta?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Also with
|
|
her hands.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: Seriously...
|
|
I want to experience everything she's experienced.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Everything?</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: Everything.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right
|
|
she cuts her pasta with a knife.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: That's
|
|
good. What's her favorite movie?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Shaft.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: You got
|
|
to get me a picture. What about sex?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She likes
|
|
talking during sex.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: Oh... dirty
|
|
talking?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No. Just
|
|
chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi-- (looking
|
|
at his watch)</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: Call me
|
|
Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right.
|
|
Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: How does
|
|
Elaine kiss?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well--</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: Does she
|
|
kiss... like this? (she kisses Jerry)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Actually
|
|
she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like--</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: Like this?
|
|
(kisses again but with the spiral)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I think
|
|
you got it.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: Monk's]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer and Tom
|
|
at a the booth behind the cashier)</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I like
|
|
to eat spaghetti with just a fork. Because I can keep the strands long,
|
|
and I can slurp it out to my mouth. Like this look. (faking to slurp
|
|
spaghetti) Now sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work. You
|
|
should be writing this stuff down... (waitress comes to take the order)
|
|
Bran lakes...100%. I got a big problem.</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: I'll have
|
|
a hamburger. That's it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah,
|
|
that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf.</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: This stuff
|
|
doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like
|
|
you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You gotta
|
|
play him like me. I'm Karmer.</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: I'm Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Whoa,
|
|
I'm Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts to
|
|
Elaine who enters and walks to the manager)</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI: (foreign
|
|
accent) What can I do for you? Would you like a table.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, I'd
|
|
like to apply for a waitress job.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI: (looks
|
|
Elaine up and down) Have you ever waited on tables before.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh yeah.
|
|
I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years. I've worked
|
|
all over the city. These, uh, are my references. I'm sure you'll find
|
|
that I'm more than qualified.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI: I
|
|
don't think I need anyone else right now.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You're
|
|
in big trouble mister. And I mean trouble with a capital 'T'. (she leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI: What?
|
|
What did I do?</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: The
|
|
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Office]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Anyway
|
|
there's at least four of them, and they're all huge. And one is bigger
|
|
than the next. It's like a Russ Meyer movie.</p>
|
|
<p>FRED: Who's Russ
|
|
Meyer?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, he's
|
|
this guy who made these terrible movies in the 70's with these kinds
|
|
of women. He's obsessed. He's obsessed with breasts. That's hard to
|
|
say.</p>
|
|
<p>FRED: Anyway,
|
|
go on.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Um...
|
|
Well, there's not really much more to tell. He was looking for waitresses,
|
|
and I went in to apply for the job. And, he looked me up and down and
|
|
he rejected me.</p>
|
|
<p>FRED: (to a guy
|
|
in the hall at the water cooler machine) Paul. Come in for a second.
|
|
I want you to listen to this.</p>
|
|
<p>PAUL: (to Elaine)
|
|
Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>FRED: Paul, woman
|
|
here claims there's a restaurant on the West side that's only hiring
|
|
large-breasted women.</p>
|
|
<p>PAUL: (to Elaine)
|
|
Really?</p>
|
|
<p>(Part 1 ends)<br />
|
|
</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
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|
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|
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<p
|
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align="center"> </p>
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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