1048 lines
44 KiB
HTML
1048 lines
44 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Pilot (2)</h1>
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<div class="blogpost">
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<div class="blogpost">
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<p>Transcribed
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by "The Maestro"<br />
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Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site http://www.geocities.com/tnguym<br />
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(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</p>
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<p>[setting: NBC,
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pilot's set]</p>
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<p>(Jerry, Tom,
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and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George is standing and
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watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay, Stu and Russell are
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sitting in the crowd's bleachers)</p>
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<p>TOM: What do
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you mean made up?</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's
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made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.</p>
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<p>TOM: You're
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crazy.</p>
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<p>JERRY: No I'm
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not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish?</p>
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<p>MICHAEL: What
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do you mean Danish?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (to
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the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Danish.
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Is it from Denmark?</p>
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<p>MICHAEL: No,
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they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danishy name.</p>
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<p>TOM: I can't
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believe that. They fooled *me* Jerry.</p>
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<p>RITA: (to Jay)
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Boy, talk about a show about nothing. (Jay, the integral producer,
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smiles stupidly)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Uh,
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excuse me. (stopping them from rehearsing) Excuse me. (he walks to
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the guy's in charge of yelling: "take #!") This--This is not right.
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May I? (the guy looks at George with a bothered face. George then
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walks up to Tom and takes him away from Jerry and Michael to talk
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to him in private)(to Tom) You see, you're going: "They fooled *me*
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Jerry!" (George shakes his head with disapproval) You wanna hit 'fooled'
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more: "They *fooled* me Jerry!". You see the difference?</p>
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<p>TOM: I'm not
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gonna say it like that.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Just
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a suggestion. (chuckles and walks back to the yelling guy)</p>
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<p>YELLING GUY:
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(with the same bothered face and while he's looking at George) All
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right everybody, take a five.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (very
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casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five!</p>
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<p>JERRY: George?
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(walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's
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shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff.
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But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told
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how to say the lines.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Why
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is that?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't
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know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh,
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you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter
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to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Why would
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he steal a box of raisins?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah,
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it's bizarre. (they both look around them suspiciously)</p>
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<p>(scene cuts
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to the bleachers with the producers)</p>
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<p>RITA: (to Jay
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about Russell) What's with him? (to Russell) Russell? (louder) Russell?</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: What?</p>
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<p>RITA: You O.K.?</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: Yeah.
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No, uh, I was just thinking of something. I'll be back in a second.
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(he gets up and leaves)</p>
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<p>(scene cuts
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to Jerry sitting next to Sandi. They're both going through their copy
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of the script)</p>
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<p>SANDI: What's
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the matter?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Nothing.</p>
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<p>SANDI: You're
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acting weird. Is anything wrong?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No.</p>
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<p>SANDI: Are you
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breaking up with me?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Are we
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going out?</p>
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<p>SANDI: You're
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breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Do you
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want me to break up with you?</p>
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<p>SANDI: If that's
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what you want.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't
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even know what you're talking about.</p>
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<p>SANDI: Fine.
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Break up with me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: All right.
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We're broken up.</p>
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<p>SANDI: (little
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pause) Can we still be friends? (Jerry raises his head, staring ahead
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and wondering what's going on)</p>
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<p>(scene cuts
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to George and Tom standing, backstage)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Remember
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when you came to audition for us?</p>
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<p>TOM: Yeah.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: There
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was a box of raisins on the coffee table. Did you, by any chance,
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take them with you when left?</p>
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<p>TOM: What are
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you talking about?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well
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we were all eating the raisins. And I remember you--you were eating
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some of the raisins. And then you left, and the raisins were gone.
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And I was just wondering if, you know (chuckles), maybe you took them
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with you.</p>
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<p>TOM: Are you
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accusing me of stealing the raisins?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh,
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no, no--</p>
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<p>TOM: (angry)
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Why would I steal a box of raisins!?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No you
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wouldn't. Nobody would. It's just that... they were missing, and...
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well I'm just inquiring. (chuckles nervously)</p>
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<p>TOM: Let me
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give you a word of advice. O.K.? I want you to stay away from me.
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I don't wanna talk to you, and I don't wanna hear anymore of your
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stupid little notes and suggestions. I don't like you. So if you got
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any other problems whether it's raisins, prunes, figs, or any other
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dried fruit, just keep it to yourself and stay out of my way, O.K.?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Mm-hmm.
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Mm-hmm. All right. I don't think we're gonna have any problem with
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that. (chuckles nervously) Good talking to you Tom. Really.</p>
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<p>(scene cuts
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to Russell, still on the set, but on the phone with Elaine)</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: (nervously,
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almost desperately) Elaine. Elaine. What do you want? What can I do?
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Is it my job? Is that what it is? Elaine I can't go on like this.
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Will you call me? Would you call me? Well, why? All right. May I call
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you? Elaine? Elaine? (she hung up. An employee walks by, bumps into
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Russell and spills coffee accidentally on him)</p>
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|
<p>DAVID: Excuse
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me Mr. Dalrimple. I am so sorry.</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: All
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|
right. All right. What's your name?</p>
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<p>DAVID: David
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Richardson.</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: Get
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out! You're fired!</p>
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<p>DAVID: But Mr.
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Dalrimple--</p>
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<p>RUSSELL: Don't
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talk back to me. Didn't you hear what I say? Get out! You want me
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to call the cops? I make and break little worms like you every day.
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Do you know how much money I make? Do you have any idea! Do you know
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where I live? I can have any woman in this city that I want. Any one.
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Now, GET OUT! (David leaves. Everyone on the set is looking at Russell)
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What are you all looking at? Go back to work! BACK! NOW! (they do,
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Russell leaves)</p>
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<p>(scene ends)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[setting: Jerry's]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The
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doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get
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the results for another two days.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ah! You're
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fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What
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do you mean?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Because
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I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Come
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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on you're... uh... you're fine.</p>
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<p>JERRY: This
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show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved
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in this.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What
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about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's
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gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.</p>
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<p>JERRY: This
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actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The
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guy playing Kramer threatened me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Why?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: 'cause
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I asked him about the raisins.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You mentioned
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the raisins.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh yeah.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Did he
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take 'em?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't
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know.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well
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if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: That's
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what I'm trying to find out.</p>
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<p>(Kramer enters
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slowly and carefully)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Any luck?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No.
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No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What
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about bran?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I tried
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bran-- 40%, 50% 100%. The bran isn't working for me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well
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my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time
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to consider the dreaded apparatus.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Pfft!
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Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting,
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you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances,
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doing any inserting in that area.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, it's
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not that bad!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yes
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it is.</p>
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<p>(Elaine enters)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well
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it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (to Elaine)
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So, you going to the taping tomorrow night?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No.
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I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell.
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He called me the other day. He won't quit.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, come
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|
on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Jerry,
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|
this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very
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uncomfortable.</p>
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<p>JERRY: We need
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|
you there!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (to
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Kramer) Hey are you gonna go?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No.
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No. I'm gonna stay home. I want to be close to my home base in case
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there's any news from the front. (he leaves)</p>
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<p>(scene ends)</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[setting: NBC,
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pilot's set, the taping]</p>
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<p>The taping is
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about to begin.</p>
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<p>People are walking
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into the studio.</p>
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<p>Jerry is getting
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a makeup.</p>
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<p>Michael walks
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around backstage, he seems nervous and agitated.</p>
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|
<p>Rita, Stu and
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Jay are sitting in the crowd. Russell is missing.</p>
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<p>George looks
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at his lip in a mirror.</p>
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<p>Tom is sitting
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in his dressing room, eating the raisins.</p>
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<p>Elaine walks
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|
into the studio, wearing and adjusting a blonde short-haired wig,
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|
and also wearing bold glsasses.</p>
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<p>Scene cuts to
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|
the drugstore where Kramer is buying the dreaded apparatus.</p>
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<p>Sandi, sitting
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|
next to Jerry who's still getting a makeup, is having her hair done.</p>
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|
<p>SANDI: (to her
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hairdresser) No! Pick it up more in the front! It's got to be higher!
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Higher! Make a wall! A wall!</p>
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<p>ASSISTANT DRESSER:
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|
Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Try Elaine.</p>
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<p>ASSISTANT DRESSER:
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Elaine?</p>
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<p>SANDI: Yes?</p>
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<p>(scene cuts
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to the crowd. Elaine is sitting in the front with her disguise, and
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|
a guy behind her taps on her shoulder)</p>
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<p>WILTON: Elaine?
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|
It's me-- Wilton Marshall. Remember? Camp Tioga-- 1978? Remember?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh,
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right.</p>
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<p>WILTON: Wow!
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You know you haven't changed a bit.</p>
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<p>(scene cuts
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to Michael, backstage, still walking around nervously. He sees Jerry
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and runs to him)</p>
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|
<p>MICHAEL: I can't
|
|
remember my lines!!!</p>
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|
<p>JERRY: Just
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|
relax, you'll be fine.</p>
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|
<p>MICHAEL: I can't
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relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em!</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're
|
|
just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him.
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It's amazing!</p>
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<p>MICHAEL: Help
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me Jerry! Help me!</p>
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<p>(scene cuts
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to the producers in the crowd)</p>
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<p>RITA: (to Stu)
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|
Where is Russell?</p>
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<p>STU: You know
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I don't know. I thought he was coming. I assumed he wouldn't miss
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|
it.</p>
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|
<p>JAY: He hasn't
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been well.</p>
|
|
<p>STU: (to Rita)
|
|
Can I tell you something in confidence? I think it's a woman.</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: How pathetic.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts
|
|
to George on the same phone as Russell earlier)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: This
|
|
is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh,
|
|
my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course!
|
|
How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. (he hangs up)</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts
|
|
to the crowd and we see Joe Devola is there)</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts
|
|
to Kramer entering his apartment with the dreaded apparatus)</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts
|
|
to George, happy, eating and double-dipping chips. Tom is staring
|
|
at him, George notices him, and aborts a double-dip)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (he
|
|
walks casually to Tom, and taps his arm) Listen. I know we've had
|
|
our problems in the past, but we got a show to do tonight. Time to
|
|
pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say, let's let bygones
|
|
be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins--
|
|
They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems
|
|
like a strange to do to walk into a room, audition, and to walk out
|
|
with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell
|
|
me about it, the door to my office is always opened. In the event
|
|
that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins.
|
|
We'll have a nice laugh.</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: How would
|
|
you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now,
|
|
and shoved it down your throat?</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts
|
|
to the presentor, Pat Hazell, talking to the crowd)</p>
|
|
<p>PAT HAZELL:
|
|
Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts
|
|
to Kramer holding and staring at the dreaded apparatus, then closing
|
|
his bathroom's door.)</p>
|
|
<p>(scene cuts
|
|
to Jerry, holding a microphone and talking to the crowd)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Good
|
|
evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well,
|
|
you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for
|
|
you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And
|
|
we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing
|
|
Jerry--</p>
|
|
<p>JOE DEVOLA:
|
|
(getting up then shouting) SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! (he jumps over a balcony
|
|
and on the stage. The crowd is yelling)</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: Jerry's]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Sic
|
|
semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah,
|
|
it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Really?
|
|
What does it mean?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It means:
|
|
"Death to tyrants".</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I can
|
|
see that.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine enters)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: See,
|
|
now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, it
|
|
starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big
|
|
deal?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Nah,
|
|
now it's on TV. It's different. I told everybody I know to watch it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah,
|
|
me too.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey,
|
|
what about Russell? Did you hear from him?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Strange.
|
|
Even not showing up at the taping...</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters,
|
|
singing and dancing)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey,
|
|
pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with
|
|
the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well,
|
|
well, well.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Congratulations.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well,
|
|
thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You
|
|
went for the big "E".</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Wet
|
|
and wild.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right.
|
|
Come on sit down. It's about to start.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh,
|
|
yes.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine finds
|
|
something under the couch cushions)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey,
|
|
what's this? Look. A wallet.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: A wallet?
|
|
Let me see that.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Here.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ah, man!
|
|
It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's
|
|
office that time.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Shh!
|
|
This is it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How do
|
|
you like that?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>(The show begins.
|
|
There are three different settings while the show is on TV. Each line
|
|
or description will be preceded by the right setting:</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry's] Jerry's
|
|
apartment with Elaine, George and Kramer watching the pilot.</p>
|
|
<p>[TV] The pilot</p>
|
|
<p>[Viewers] Characters
|
|
from the season 4, watching TV in their home and commenting on the
|
|
pilot.)</p>
|
|
<p>===[TV]===</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's doing
|
|
his stand-up routine at a comedy club. There's the music theme and
|
|
we don't hear what he is saying, but the closed captions put that:</p>
|
|
<p>"I get into
|
|
a car accident. The guy that hit me doesn't have any insurance. So
|
|
the judge sentences him to be my butler. Sounds like a sitcom, doesn't
|
|
it?" </p>
|
|
<p>We see the title
|
|
'Jerry', then, sitting at the comedy club, we see:</p>
|
|
<p>Micheal, Sandi,
|
|
and Tom, and finally Jerry, and the four of them make a toast while
|
|
it's written: "Created by Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza".</p>
|
|
<p>===[Jerry's]===</p>
|
|
<p>(they all applause
|
|
as the intro ends)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Bravo!</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer taps
|
|
George on the shoulder)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You
|
|
hurt me.</p>
|
|
<p>===[TV]===</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry's apartment,
|
|
Michael knocks and enters)</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey George.</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: New
|
|
sneakers?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: What
|
|
do you need new sneakers for?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I like
|
|
sneakers.</p>
|
|
<p>MICHAEL: How
|
|
do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to
|
|
decide which sneakers to wear every day.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Nah,
|
|
you're crazy anyway.</p>
|
|
<p>===[Viewers]====</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(Susan and Allison
|
|
from 'The Smelly Car'. They're eating popcorn, sitting on a couch)</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN AND ALLSION:
|
|
(to each other while they recognize one of George's behaviors in Michael)
|
|
George!</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(Sid and the
|
|
housekeeper from 'The Old Man')</p>
|
|
<p>SID: What kind
|
|
of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records!
|
|
(the houskeeper starts laughing)</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(John-John and
|
|
Marla the virgin from 'The Contest'. Marla is under the bed sheets
|
|
while John-John is sitting at the end of the bed, with the TV remote
|
|
in his hands)</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: John,
|
|
what are you doing? Come back to bed.</p>
|
|
<p>JOHN: (with
|
|
a Boston accent) This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld
|
|
fellow you went out with?</p>
|
|
<p>MARLA: Ooh,
|
|
he's horrible! Horrible!</p>
|
|
<p>JOHN: Nevertheless...</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(The Drake,
|
|
who went back with the Drakette, Allison, from 'The Handicap Spot'.
|
|
They watch the pilot on a tiny mini-TV with a tiny antenna)</p>
|
|
<p>THE DRAKE: Ah,
|
|
that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein!</p>
|
|
<p>ALLSION: Hate
|
|
the Sein! (while she adjusts the tiny antenna)</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(Ping and Cheryl
|
|
from 'The Visa'. They talk in Chinese and we see sub-titles in English)</p>
|
|
<p>PING: I can't
|
|
believe you liked him.</p>
|
|
<p>CHERYL: I thought
|
|
he was dark and disturbed.</p>
|
|
<p>PING: Real perceptive.</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(Donald and
|
|
his parents from 'The Bubble boy'. We see his arm coming off the bubble,
|
|
between his parents. He doesn't have the TV remote anymore. His parents
|
|
are laughing)</p>
|
|
<p>DONALD: This
|
|
is a piece of crap!</p>
|
|
<p>MOTHER: Donald,
|
|
you used to like him.</p>
|
|
<p>DONALD: What
|
|
a sellout! Give me that remote!</p>
|
|
<p>MEL: No, Donald.</p>
|
|
<p>(he grabs the
|
|
remote from his father's hand and the three of them start to fight)</p>
|
|
<p>===[Jerry's]===</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry is getting
|
|
a soda from the refrigerator)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Come
|
|
on Jerry, the commercials almost over.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You
|
|
know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh yeah.
|
|
He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Really?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>===[TV]===</p>
|
|
<p>(doorbell, Jerry
|
|
opens the door, it's the butler, Charles)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hello,
|
|
Charles.</p>
|
|
<p>CHARLES: Hello.
|
|
So, where do you want me to start today?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why don't
|
|
you start in the bedroom?</p>
|
|
<p>CHARLES: (to
|
|
himself, upset) Start in the bedroom...</p>
|
|
<p>(Tom enters)</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey.
|
|
The butler's here.</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: He is?
|
|
Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm not
|
|
sending him to your house.</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Because
|
|
the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler.</p>
|
|
<p>TOM: Jerry,
|
|
he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what
|
|
butlers do.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But I
|
|
don't want to.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Jerry,
|
|
my house is a pigsty, come on.</p>
|
|
<p>(buzzer, Jerry
|
|
presses the button)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: (from
|
|
the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Come
|
|
on up.</p>
|
|
<p>(The butler
|
|
comes back from the bedroom with a can of Pledge)</p>
|
|
<p>CHARLES: I need
|
|
more Pledge.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: More
|
|
Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any
|
|
wood in the house!</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>CHARLES: Well,
|
|
it goes fast.</p>
|
|
<p>(Sandi enters)</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: (to Charles,
|
|
very friendly) Hello.</p>
|
|
<p>CHARLES: Hello.
|
|
(he goes back in the bedroom)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's
|
|
all this about?</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: We had
|
|
a date.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You had
|
|
a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with
|
|
my butler?</p>
|
|
<p>SANDI: Why do
|
|
I need your permission?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Because
|
|
he's my butler!</p>
|
|
<p>===[Viewers]===</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(Morty and Helen
|
|
laughing)</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: That's
|
|
terrific!</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: How could
|
|
anyone not like him?</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(Calvin Klein
|
|
with Tia from 'The Pick')</p>
|
|
<p>C.K.: I like
|
|
his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.</p>
|
|
<p>TIA: But he
|
|
picks his nose.</p>
|
|
<p>C.K.: Nevertheless...</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(Sal Bass and
|
|
Sidra from 'The Implant')</p>
|
|
<p>SAL BASS: He's
|
|
a member of our health club. Isn't he?</p>
|
|
<p>SIDRA: Yeah...</p>
|
|
<p>SAL BASS: You
|
|
know that Kim Novak has some big breasts?</p>
|
|
<p>***</p>
|
|
<p>(Newman sleeping
|
|
and snoring in his chair while a baseball game is on TV)</p>
|
|
<p>[TV]</p>
|
|
<p>(final monologue
|
|
at the comedy club)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ever
|
|
notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?</p>
|
|
<p>(quick shot
|
|
at [Jerry's] they all watch)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know
|
|
I think when you name a baby Jeeves, you've pretty much mapped out
|
|
his future, wouldn't you say? Not much chance is gonna be a hitman
|
|
I think after that. (with a British accent) "Terribly sorry Sir, but
|
|
I'm going to have to whack you".</p>
|
|
<p>(end of the
|
|
pilot and of the three different settings)</p>
|
|
<p>[setting: back
|
|
to Jerry's]</p>
|
|
<p>ALL: (applauding
|
|
and shaking hands) Wooh! Yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wow!
|
|
That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not
|
|
just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Let's
|
|
go out and celebrate! (they all get up)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: That
|
|
was so good.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Come
|
|
on let's eat something. (phone rings)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You
|
|
know what I think this thing is gonna get picked up George. You guys
|
|
are gonna be rich!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Do you
|
|
really think so?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And
|
|
God didn't kill me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (to the
|
|
phone) Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: Hi Jerry,
|
|
this is Rita Kierson.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, hi
|
|
Rita.</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: I'm calling
|
|
to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, my
|
|
God. Did he get fired?</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: To be
|
|
honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Russell's
|
|
disappeared?</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: In any
|
|
event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may
|
|
not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects.
|
|
And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're
|
|
passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago!</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: Well,
|
|
I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah,
|
|
see ya. (he hangs up)</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry and George
|
|
stare at Elaine)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What--
|
|
What are you looking at me for?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It was
|
|
you!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What
|
|
did I do?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Do you
|
|
realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I didn't
|
|
know that he'd fall for me and I'd drive him insane. I mean, you know,
|
|
that's not my fault.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes
|
|
it is! You're very charming!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I can't
|
|
believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No one
|
|
knows.</p>
|
|
<p>(scnen ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: Greenpeace
|
|
raft on the ocean, following a whaler]</p>
|
|
<p>(Russell with
|
|
two other guys in the Greenpeace boat)</p>
|
|
<p>RUSSELL: She
|
|
works for Pendant Publishing. She's the most beautiful woman I've
|
|
ever seen. You know, I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to
|
|
her this time, she'll respect me.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN ON RAFT:
|
|
You'd better get down. They might start firing soon. (harpoon fires)</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: Monk's]</p>
|
|
<p>(The restaurant
|
|
is full of men, some of them standing and waiting for a table. Jerry,
|
|
Elaine, George and Kramer enters)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey look
|
|
at this. What is going on here?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well,
|
|
well, well.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Nothing
|
|
has changed. How did this happen? (she sees the two guys of the Equal
|
|
Employment Opportunity Commission at a table) Ah, these are the two
|
|
guys I talked to at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Hey!
|
|
What are you two guys doing here? I thought you were gonna do something
|
|
about this. Now you're eating here?</p>
|
|
<p>FRED: Oh no.
|
|
That's why we're here. We're checking things out.</p>
|
|
<p>PAUL: Yeah,
|
|
we're checking it out.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (to
|
|
Paul) You're checking it out?</p>
|
|
<p>(a man is leaving
|
|
the restaurant and walks by Fred and Paul's table)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: (to Fred
|
|
and Paul) See you back at the office, guys.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI:
|
|
Fred, Paul, lunch and dinner? Boy, you guys ought to move in. How
|
|
about a piece of pie on me? Sophia! Take care of these fellows.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (to
|
|
the manager) Hey! Come here a second. I want you to know something.
|
|
You are not gonna get away with this!</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI:
|
|
Get away with what?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ah,
|
|
"with what?" You know what. With the waitresses. How they're all...
|
|
alike.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI:
|
|
Of course they're alike. They're my daughters.</p>
|
|
<p>(they all show
|
|
smiles of surprise)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (embarrassed,
|
|
but smiling) Oh, your daughters.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You
|
|
must be very proud Mr. Visaki. (shaking his hand) And may I say sir
|
|
they're lovely girls, absolutely lovely girls. It's nice to see such
|
|
fine upstanding women in gainful employment, Mr. Visaki.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI:
|
|
Oh, here's a table for you.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: A table
|
|
right here.</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI:
|
|
Peggy!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Peggy!
|
|
(they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What
|
|
a family!</p>
|
|
<p>Mr. VISAKI:
|
|
My daughter Peggy.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Ah!
|
|
Peggy. Good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hi Peggy.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Thank
|
|
you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what
|
|
I got do tomorrow?</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Start
|
|
looking for a job.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You
|
|
know what you ought to do George? You should work for Greenpeace.
|
|
You those people they attack the whalers out on the open sea.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Are
|
|
you crazy? You take your life in your hands with those nuts.</p>
|
|
<p>(scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[setting: Greenpeace
|
|
raft]</p>
|
|
<p>(Russell fell
|
|
off the boat but still hangs on to a rope. The other man, still in
|
|
the boat is screaming to him and holds the rope.)</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Keep fighting
|
|
matey! Get your head above the water! I've got you matey! I've got
|
|
you! Matey! (he loses the rope) I'll remember her name! Elaine Benes!
|
|
I'll write to her. I'll tell her all about you and what you did out
|
|
here! Goodbye, matey! Goddbye!</p>
|
|
<p>(we see the
|
|
script of the pilot 'Jerry' floating on the ocean)</p>
|
|
<p>(end of the
|
|
show)<br />
|
|
</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
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|
|
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<p
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|
align="center"> </p>
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<div align="center"></div>
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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}
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<p ></p>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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<script type="text/javascript">
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