1261 lines
45 KiB
HTML
1261 lines
45 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Pledge Drive</h1>
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<p align="center"><br>
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[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]<br>
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Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
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<small>(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</small><br>
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</p>
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<p align="left"><br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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Written by: Tom Gammill & Max Pross<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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Episode no. 89<br>
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pc: 603, season 6, episode 3<br>
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Broadcast date: October 6, 1994<br>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>
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<br>
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The Cast<br>
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<br>
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Regulars:<br>
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Jerry Seinfeld................... Jerry Seinfeld<br>
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Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza<br>
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes<br>
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Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer<br>
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<br>
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Guest Stars:<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Kelly Coffield................... Noreen<br>
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Billye Ree Wallace............... Nana<br>
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Brian Reddy...................... Dan<br>
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Rebecca Staab.................... Kristin<br>
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Danny Tartabull.................. Himself<br>
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Tom Wright....................... Executive (Morgan)<br>
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James Reynolds................... Banker<br>
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Lauren Bowles.................... Waitress<br>
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F.J. Rio......................... Street Tough<br>
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Thom Vernon...................... Driver<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Opening monologue.<br>
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<br>
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There's something very insincere about these greeting cards we send back
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and<br>
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forth to each other all the time. They're like these little one-dollar
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folded<br>
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paper emotional prostitutes, isn't it? "I don't know what my feelings
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are, so<br>
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I'll just pay some total stranger a buck to make up this little Hallmark
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hooker<br>
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to do the job for me. So I can go, 'Yeah, I didn't write this, but whatever<br>
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they wrote, I think the same thing.'" Wouldn't it be better if we
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just had one<br>
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card that covered every occasion for everybody in one shot? Just "Happy<br>
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birthday, merry Christmas, happy anniversary, congratulations, it's a
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Boy and<br>
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our deepest sympathies. Signed, the whole office"<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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First scene.<br>
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Elaine and Jerry and in Jerry's apartment.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Your friend, Noreen.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Are you sure you're not just flattering yourself?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with someone a
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little<br>
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less annoying than Noreen.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I cannot believe that she was hitting on you.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: If you don't believe me, ask her.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him. Dan.
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<br>
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Remember, we went to that party at his house?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Oh, right. The guy who talks with a really high voice.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Yeah.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer enters.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Check the pile.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer (leafing through Jerry's mail): Oh, who sent you a card?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: I don't know.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Open it, it's from Hallmark.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Oh.
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<br>
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<br>
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Kramer (To Elaine): Hello, my love.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Hello, darling.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card from Kristin.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Let me see.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: Who's Kristin?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Did you ask her about me?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that
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sits<br>
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in the back and answers the phone.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get
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a<br>
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percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money
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goes<br>
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to the station.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer: Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, but I still get a tote
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bag<br>
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though, right?<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders.<br>
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<br>
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Kramer leaves, satisfied.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine (dialing the phone): You know what I'm doing? I'm calling Noreen.<br>
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<br>
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Jerry: Oh, go ahead.<br>
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<br>
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Elaine: You sure you don't mind?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Jerry: Like she's really going to admit she was flirting with me.<br>
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<br>
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|
Elaine finishes dialing, the phone rings and a high pitched voice answers.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
High Pitched Voice: Hello?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Hi, it's Elaine. Listen, I was just talking to Jerry.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
High Pitched Voice: Jerry?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Jerry Seinfeld.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
High Pitched Voice: Oh, I like Jerry a lot.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: You mean like like?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
High Pitched Voice: What are you talking about?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Noreen, were you hitting on him?<br>
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<br>
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|
Cut to the other end of the conversation, there's a bald man on the telephone.<br>
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<br>
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|
High Pitched Voice: Noreen's not here, this is Dan.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Ooh.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Dan: You say that Noreen was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?<br>
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<br>
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|
Elaine (hanging up): Uh, I'll call you back later.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Uh oh.<br>
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|
<br>
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Jerry: So was I right? She likes me, right?<br>
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<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine is sharpening pencils for Mr. Pitt. The phone is ringing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Mr. Pitt (answering): Hello? (to Elaine) It's for you. Must you keep giving<br>
|
|
my number out?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Pitt. Hello?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
High Pitched Voice: Elaine? What is going on? Why did you tell Dan I was<br>
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|
hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Is this Noreen?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
High Pitched Voice (Noreen): What would ever possess you to make up a
|
|
story<br>
|
|
like that.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it, and, I don't know--<br>
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|
<br>
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Dan (taking the phone from Noreen): I think I deserve an explanation.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Noreen, are you crying?<br>
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<br>
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|
Dan: No, this is Dan!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Elaine: Oh, hi Dan.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
Mr. Pitt: Elaine? Work?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Tell Noreen I'll just call her back later.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pitt: Who was crying?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Elaine: No one. I'm sorry Mr. Putt, that won't happen again.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Pitt (unwrapping a candy bar, placing it on a plate and cutting it
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|
with<br>
|
|
knife and fork): I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying and I want
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|
to know<br>
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|
who it was.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told my other
|
|
friend<br>
|
|
Noreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar with knife
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|
and<br>
|
|
fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so I called
|
|
her to<br>
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|
see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is
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|
this,<br>
|
|
you know--<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Kristin, the PBS rep, are in Jerry's apartment. Jerry is reading
|
|
from<br>
|
|
a sheet of paper.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking<br>
|
|
about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in your pledge
|
|
now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: Jerry, I am so grateful that you're doing this.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, I know you are.<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: You got the card I sent?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I did.<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
Kristin: So where is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: What? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: The card. Is this it in the trash?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: This is my card, you threw it away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well--<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: I put a lot of thought into this card.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like
|
|
you<br>
|
|
painted the picture and wrote the poem.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: Fine. I gotta get back to the office.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save
|
|
it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: You have no sentimentality.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. Here, look. Here's<br>
|
|
some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, see,
|
|
I'm<br>
|
|
not a bad guy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! Oh great!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (as Kristin is storming out): Well, but, you see, I saved something!
|
|
<br>
|
|
See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters as Kristin leaves.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: New cards, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, they're old cards from my grandmother.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift
|
|
a<br>
|
|
person's spirits.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (opening a card): Oh, a check.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday, that's
|
|
why I<br>
|
|
save them.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know, it's ten dollars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: But you got a whole pile here. 1987?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh so what.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend
|
|
the<br>
|
|
money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount to
|
|
a slap in<br>
|
|
the face.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, get out of here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and George are at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS
|
|
drive. <br>
|
|
I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: The rule is a minimum of two days.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You making that up or do you know what you're talking about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'm making it up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I mean really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I
|
|
had a<br>
|
|
mantel.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Absolutely.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different
|
|
person.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So anyway, she's kind of upset about it so I need you to do me
|
|
a favor.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Let's have it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna
|
|
be<br>
|
|
running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could get a baseball<br>
|
|
player to come on the show with me...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You want me to ask one of the Yankees.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Could you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Alright. I'll run it by a few people.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright, Do your thing, where you lie to everyone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (entering and sitting down): I should never have made that phone
|
|
call.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yes, she's very upset.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: So was I right about the flirting? Was it true?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I don't know, I never asked. She was yelling--<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Who was flirting with you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Remember when we were in the bookstore, that woman came up to us?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
George: She wasn't flirting with you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 'humor' section was? Humor?
|
|
Come<br>
|
|
on.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Jerry, her brother just had a book of political cartoons published.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine and George laugh derisively.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting with me. So what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: So, yeah, that's funny. Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Mr.
|
|
Pitt<br>
|
|
eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Why does he do that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's
|
|
the<br>
|
|
way these society types eat their candy bars.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, you know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: What, you think I eat all my meals with you? (To waitress) Excuse
|
|
me,<br>
|
|
sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Waitress: That's the extra toast. Get it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Got it. (the waitress walks away) Did you just see what happened<br>
|
|
here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the
|
|
finger.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to
|
|
get<br>
|
|
their mouths dirty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George is in a meeting at work.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: So, what do you think?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Morgan: A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players'
|
|
time<br>
|
|
with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for channel
|
|
eleven.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Channel eleven? Forgive me for trying to class up this place,
|
|
for<br>
|
|
trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might
|
|
not watch<br>
|
|
channel eleven.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George begins eating a candy bar with knife and fork.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Morgan: Uh, what the hell are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Mr. Morgan: You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Kramer are at an ATM.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Okay, sixty bucks from Nana.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Huh? Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Nana is home knitting, the phone rings.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nana: Hello?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: Hello, this is Chemical Bank. Just wanted you to know that your<br>
|
|
checking account is overdrawn.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nana: Chemical Bank? I haven't used that account in months.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice: Well, someone's been cashing the checks and you're overdrawn.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Oh dear. I'll be down there first thing in the morning.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Voice (unheard by Nana as she hangs up the phone): Wait, we can do this
|
|
over the<br>
|
|
phone.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Fade to the next morning, the alarm clock goes off, it's 5:30, Nana turns
|
|
off<br>
|
|
the alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs, and heads
|
|
for the<br>
|
|
door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George, Jerry and Kramer are at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You got Danny Tartabull?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Boy, you really came through. Kristin's gonna be thrilled.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey, the Bull owes me one, I helped him with his swing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: So you're bringing Danny Tartabull to the fundraiser tonight.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Absolutely. Pending approval of the script.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Excuse me?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Jerry, I'm Yankee management.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You're just answering phones!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: It would put me at ease.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the
|
|
menu. I<br>
|
|
want to see what finger she uses.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on
|
|
the men<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Waitress: Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu with index finger),
|
|
it comes<br>
|
|
with your breakfast special.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Right you are.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I didn't get the special, but I'd also like the fresh fruit too.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Waitress (scratching cheek with middle finger): I'll check.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (after waitress walks away): I don't believe it, she did it again!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, she had an itch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers.
|
|
That<br>
|
|
finger was meant for me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (laughing): Yeah, she knew what she was doing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed my Nana's birthday checks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Nana is standing on a deserted street in front of an abandoned building,<br>
|
|
checking for an address. A street tough approaches from behind.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Street tough: Looking for something, lady?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nana: Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Street tough: The bank? It burned. It's gone!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nana: Oh dear.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Street tough: Now what you wanna do is go down to forty-ninth street,
|
|
that's<br>
|
|
the main customer service branch. Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll help you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry is in his apartment, the phone rings.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (answering): Hello?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: Jerry? Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Uncle Leo!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Listen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Nana's missing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: I came to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, she wasn't
|
|
here. <br>
|
|
I called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left the apartment<br>
|
|
in twenty-five years!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I've been thinking about her, I just cashed some of her checks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Yeah, that's right. You did.<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: What kind of checks?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I think Chemical Bank.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, they were Chemical.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: Chemical?! She hasn't used that account since her branch closed.
|
|
<br>
|
|
What are you doing cashing her checks anyway?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy. (To Kramer) I never<br>
|
|
should have cashed those checks!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Hey, I didn't twist your arm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: Your grandmother's on a very fixed income. What, are you broke?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs up and faces Kramer)
|
|
Well? <br>
|
|
I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, don't look at me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It's your fault!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those
|
|
bum<br>
|
|
checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Mr. Morgan is sitting at an outdoor cafe, eating a candy bar with a knife
|
|
and<br>
|
|
fork. Noreen walks by and takes notice. Cut to Noreen and Elaine seated
|
|
at the<br>
|
|
counter at Monk's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: So anyway, it's caused a lot of problems. Dan thinks I'm interested
|
|
in<br>
|
|
Jerry, he won't let up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I'm really sorry, but you can see why I'd make a mistake like
|
|
that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: No, why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, you know, because he's a high talker.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: He does raise his voice occasionally, but that's normal.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No. No, no, no, not a loud talker, a high talker.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: Really?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: You don't think his voice sounds a lot like yours?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: I never noticed that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, it's no big deal, you know, it's just that he can sound
|
|
like a<br>
|
|
woman, you know?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: Great. I'm going out with a man who sounds like a woman.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well, he looks like a man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: He's bald. I know that's a guy thing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: I guess.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I know he belches a lot.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: Well, that's something. So, Jerry thought I was flirting with
|
|
him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen (cutting into a cookie with a knife and fork): Hm. He's kind of
|
|
a<br>
|
|
baritone, isn't he?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: I'm eating this cookie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: No, no, no, but why are you using a knife and a fork? Did you
|
|
just<br>
|
|
think of that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Noreen: No, I've seen people do it. I like it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George is driving Danny Tartabull to the pledge drive.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danny Tartabull: This isn't gonna take long, is it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh no, in and out, I made sure of that. And you'll be happy to
|
|
know I<br>
|
|
perused the script and it's met with my approval.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danny Tartabull: I'm sure it's fine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George (swerving): Hey! Watch it! Did you see that guy? He just gave me
|
|
the<br>
|
|
finger!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danny Tartabull: You sure?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Oh yeah! Middle finger, straight up, at me! At us!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danny Tartabull: What are you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'm following him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Nana is at the bank.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banker: I'm sorry, the account had insufficient funds. We had to return
|
|
the<br>
|
|
checks made out to a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nana: Oh dear, that's my grandson. May I call him now and explain?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Banker: Oh, certainly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Elaine and Jerry are at Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: And now I think she might really be interested in you. And Dan
|
|
is<br>
|
|
obsessed, he keeps leaving these annoying messages on my machine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The phone rings.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Would you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (answering): Hello?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nana: Hello, I need to speak to Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (thinking it's Dan): Oh, it's you. We were just talking about you.
|
|
<br>
|
|
Listen, Jerry doesn't want to talk to you. Nobody wants to talk to you,
|
|
so why<br>
|
|
don't you just drop dead? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (hanging up): Heh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Any word from Nana?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Nana?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, my grandma's missing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Missing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah. I think it might have something to do with those checks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Um, what does Nana sound like?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Like a grandmother, why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Well...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh, you hung up on my Nana?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I don't know, maybe.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You told Nana to drop dead?!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: It's possible.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yes, it is!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ.
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Alright.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George is still driving, he's all worked up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danny Tartabull: Want this last donut?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: No, you can have it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Danny Tartabull begins eating the donut with a knife and fork. George
|
|
takes<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
notice.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Kramer are at PBS.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Jerry, where are all the tote bags?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised<br>
|
|
tote bags and tote bags I shall have.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: Jerry, this man wants to see you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Leo?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Uncle Leo! What are you doing here?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: I wanted to tell you that your grandmother is fine.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Oh.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: She's had quite a day but she's gonna watch you tonight on
|
|
the TV.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull. Where is he?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: He'll be here any second.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin: You know you guys are both on in five minutes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin (leaving): Okay.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: Why didn't you tell me you were a little short? Here. If anybody<br>
|
|
asks you where you got it, you don't know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: No, that's ok, I really don't need any money.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: What are you talking about? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Please-<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: I want-<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: It's not necessary.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: Jerry, would you please take it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I can't, I can't take it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: I want you to have it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: Jerry, take the money!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I don't want it!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
There's a knock at the door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
High pitched voice: Jerry, open up. We need to talk.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Who's that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You know what? It sounds like the friend of Elaine's that was hitting<br>
|
|
on me in the book store.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Jerry, I'll take care of it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer walks out and sees Dan.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dan: Is Jerry in there?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Well, he can't be disturbed now.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dan: Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about.
|
|
I can't<br>
|
|
get him out of my mind.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you
|
|
up<br>
|
|
in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dan: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many<br>
|
|
programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City,<br>
|
|
Gender Bending and Swinging in San Francisco. Before Stonewall about those
|
|
dark<br>
|
|
ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted
|
|
because of<br>
|
|
your, you know.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dan: No, I don't.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kristin (running up): Are you Danny Tartabull?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Dan: No, I'm not.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
George is parked at a gas station, he steps out of the car and slams the
|
|
door.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I'll take care of this, Danny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George approaches the man he's been following, who's now pumping gas.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Excuse me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Man: What's the problem?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: I believe you cut me off, and then made an obscene gesture.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Man: I did? Where?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: Outside of Manhattan, about an hour ago.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Man: Wow! Is that Danny Tartabull?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
George: That's right, of the New York Yankees.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Man: I'd like to shake his hand but I can't.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
The man holds up his arm, it's in a cast with his middle finger sticking<br>
|
|
straight up.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry is doing his bit for PBS.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking<br>
|
|
about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so please
|
|
call the<br>
|
|
number you see on your screen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Nana, watching the pledge drive. She picks up the phone and dials.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Jerry,<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: This is the only time this year we'll be asking for donations.
|
|
You've<br>
|
|
been enjoying Ken Burns' Baseball-<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut to Kramer sitting at the phone bank, his phone rings.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer (answering): PBS pledge drive.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nana: Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna<br>
|
|
happen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nana: This is his grandmother.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Nana: Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a
|
|
little<br>
|
|
over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a<br>
|
|
freeloader.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Cut back to Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: -programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were
|
|
here,<br>
|
|
I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer rises in the background.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: My Nana?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Kramer: And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen<br>
|
|
hundred dollars!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Everybody applauds as Uncle Leo comes out from sidestage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Uncle Leo: She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene.<br>
|
|
Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: I got another card from Kristin. Not quite as chipper as the first
|
|
one.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving you the-<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Yes, he is.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
Elaine: You should show this to Georgie.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Waitress (at the next table): Here's your knife and fork.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: I just don't get it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry: You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&Ms with a spoon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine: What is wrong with everybody?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Jerry (surveying the restaurant): Look, they're doing it. They're all
|
|
doing<br>
|
|
it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Elaine (standing up): What is wrong with all you people?! Have you all
|
|
gone<br>
|
|
mad?!!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p><br>
|
|
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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|
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