814 lines
43 KiB
HTML
814 lines
43 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Puerto Rican Day</h1>
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INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY</p>
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<p>The gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine
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and Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, and Jerry behind
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the wheel. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Man, I'm starving.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: How can you be hungry after what you ate at that Mets game?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with
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the ball and the rubber band.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of
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those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before
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that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away. </p>
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<p>JERRY: I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of
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the game.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, come on, Jerry. It was 9 to nothing. We were getting
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shellacked.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Those nachos are killing me.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I thought you were hungry.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: It's complicated.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Keep your shirt on. I got it.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Watch out for that maroon Golf.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, boy.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait--
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now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now!
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Jerry! Go--ahh...</p>
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<p>Jerry swerves into another lane. Lamar, the driver of the maroon
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Golf honks the horn.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He
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accelerated.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You want me to moon him? Ooh, let's moon him. Roll up your
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window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Look at this, look at this. He's giving us the finger.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, all right.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
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<p>Elaine and Kramer get up to moon Lamar.</p>
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<p>INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So I saw that new movie about the Hindenburg.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, yeah. What's that called?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Blimp: The Hindenburg Story.</p>
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<p>JERRY: How was it?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg
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flights that made it.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning
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debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles
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over the airfield, I yelled out, "That's gotta hurt!"</p>
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<p>JERRY: Heh.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The place went nuts.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled
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that out at the actual disaster.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Why are we slowing down?</p>
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<p>Music plays in the background.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What is that music?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What's with all these flags?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, no.</p>
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<p>ELAINE AND JERRY: It's the Puerto Rican Day parade!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ohh! Oh, the city shuts down Fifth avenue. They never let
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anyone through.</p>
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<p>We're never getting home.</p>
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<p>Kramer stands up on the back seat.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: All right. I'm gonna check it out. Aiee. mucho trafico.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>STOCK FOOTAGE: Puerto Rican Day parade.</p>
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<p>EXT. CITY STREET - DAY</p>
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<p>Kramer runs along the sidewalk and hops into the back seat of a
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black Saab.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah...uhh...well, the streets are all blocked. I think
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every Puerto Rican in the world is out here.</p>
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<p>There is a Puerto Rican family in the car.</p>
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<p>PUERTO RICAN MAN: Well, it is our day.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Whoo. Wrong car. Sorry.</p>
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<p>Kramer hops out.</p>
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<p>INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY</p>
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<p>Still sitting stopped in traffic are Elaine, Jerry, and George.
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They are listening to the radio.</p>
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<p>RADIO: And the Mets score two in the eighth inning.</p>
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<p>JERRY: See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: I could have had some ice cream. I think that might have
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calmed down the nachos.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss
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60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking.
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It makes me anxious.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can
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get out over there.</p>
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<p>JERRY: But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how
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am I gonna get all the way over there?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Just inch over. You worm your way.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Just do it, Jerry. Uhh. This exhaust. I'm gonna throw up.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You know, you should make yourself throw up.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Huh?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You know you're going to.</p>
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<p>JERRY: All right, I'm worming.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing?
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None other than Miss Chita Rivera.</p>
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<p>JERRY: They're not letting me in.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: My hand is out.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have
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to see a human face.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You sure you want his face?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: No, no, no. It was Mara Conchita Alonso.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.</p>
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<p>JERRY: The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Look at me! I am man! I am you!</p>
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<p>The man in the other car looks over at George. Elaine, sitting
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behind George, aids in the cause by pleading to the man by mouthing
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the words, "Hi, can we go in?"</p>
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<p>GEORGE: All right, he's letting you in. Thank you! Creep.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.</p>
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<p>JERRY: One more lane to go.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: All right! We're here!</p>
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<p>Just as Jerry is about to enter the one-way street, Lamar and his
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maroon Golf cut him off.</p>
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<p>LAMAR: Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Maroon Golf.</p>
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<p>LAMAR: Where you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Could you move your car back a little?</p>
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<p>LAMAR: Oh. Sorry. I seem to have cut you off.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am
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going somewhere else.</p>
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<p>Elaine pushes George's seat forward slamming his head onto the
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dashboard. She gets out.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You can't do that. You can't just leave the group.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years. Vaya
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con dios.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Con dios? Well, that's rude.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Can you believe her?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah. I'll see you later.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Where are you going?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The movies. Blimp is playing right there.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid
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line?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do.</p>
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<p>JERRY: That's not what I do.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Isn't it?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is.</p>
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<p>George leaves.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that
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big in a while.</p>
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<p>STOCK FOOTAGE: Taxis stuck in traffic.</p>
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<p>INT. TAXI CAB - DAY</p>
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<p>Elaine sits in the back.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Look at that guy's dog. I hate it when their ears get flipped
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inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it? </p>
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<p>She moves so she can yell out the driver's open window.</p>
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<p>ELAINE (yelling): Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!</p>
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<p>She leans back.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Ooh! This isn't moving! I could walk faster than this.</p>
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<p>CAB DRIVER: No, you can't.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yes, I can. Here. I'm outta here. </p>
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<p>She pays her fare and gets out.</p>
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<p>EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS</p>
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<p>She starts to walk. The cab starts to move.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, now it's moving. Oh, yeah. I knew it. Hey! Hey!</p>
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<p>The cab stops and she gets back in.</p>
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<p>INT. TAXI CAB - CONTINUOUS</p>
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<p>CAB DRIVER: Where to?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: That's cute. That's really cute. Oh! Come on! All right.
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Bye again.</p>
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<p>She pays and gets out again.</p>
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<p>EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS</p>
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<p>Again, the cab starts moving when she gets out.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey. Taxi! Taxi!</p>
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<p>She starts to run after the taxi which starts to move faster.</p>
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<p>INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY</p>
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<p>George sits down next to two attractive women.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ladies. I, uh, I haven't seen this before.</p>
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<p>LADY 1: What is that dot?</p>
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<p>LADY 2: Oh, I think someone has one of those funny laser pointers.</p>
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<p>A red laser moves around the movie screen. Everyone laughs as the
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dot rests on the breasts of the movie actress.</p>
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<p>INT. MOVIE LOBBY - DAY</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>The laser pointer guy uses his laser to point at a box of Skittles
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and RC Cola.</p>
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<p>LASER GUY: Gimme a box of those and one of those.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Excuse me, are you the guy with that funny laser?</p>
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<p>LASER GUY: The laser's not funny. I'm funny.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah. The thing is, I, uh...I had this little zinger of
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my own I wanted to try.</p>
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<p>LASER GUY: Uh-huh. </p>
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<p>GEORGE: It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave
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me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed
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with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so...</p>
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<p>INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY</p>
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<p>Kramer and Jerry sit listening to the radio.</p>
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<p>RADIO What a comeback for the New York Mets-- 6 runs in the bottom
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of the ninth.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we
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could get out of here.</p>
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<p>LAMAR: This traffic's a killer, ain't it?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave
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the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number
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off the engine block, and we walk away.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Walk away?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen,
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and then you get another one free.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Isn't there a deductible?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: All right, what is your deductible?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't know.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yes, because they've already deducted it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: From what?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you
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pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.</p>
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<p>JERRY: We're not leaving the car!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance
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company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Absolutely not. He sped up.</p>
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<p>RADIO: Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in
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the gap, that's a base hit.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm ready to talk.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY</p>
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<p>George and the ladies are sitting in their seats.</p>
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<p>LADY 1: Hey! There's that laser guy again. </p>
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<p>LADY 2: He's funny. I never meet anyone funny.</p>
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<p>LADY 1: I know. A sense of humor is so much more important to me
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than looks or hair.</p>
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<p>LADY 2: Mmm, yeah.</p>
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<p>There's an explosion on the screen. The laser moves around the
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screen and everyone laughs.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: That's gotta hurt!</p>
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<p>Everyone stops laughing.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: It's...gotta hurt! Hurt! Because...Aaarrrrrgh!</p>
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<p>George stands up.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Damn you, laser guy! You had to grab it all with your lowbrow
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laser shtick! You're just a prop comic! Where's the craft?!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>The laser guy points the laser at George's head.</p>
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<p>LADY 1: Look! It's on the bald guy.</p>
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<p>LADY 2: I am so glad we came to this showing.</p>
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<p>EXT. CITY STREET - DAY</p>
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<p>Kramer is talking to Lamar while Jerry waits in his car. Kramer
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walks to Jerry.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you
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cut him off with an "I am sorry" wave.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What's that?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You raise the hand, lower the head-- "I'm sorry, I'm
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sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand
|
|
it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!" You get my drift.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ok!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry puts both hands up over his head and does the "I'm Sorry"
|
|
wave.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>LAMAR: Hallelujah. Praise the lord. But I'll take it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes! All right, Lamar, back it up a little bit so we can
|
|
get out now.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer gets in the car. George shows up and climbs into the back
|
|
seat.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's that on your forehead?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's probably chocolate.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, is that one of those laser pointers?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd. It's a George laserium!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an
|
|
"I'm not sorry" wave.</p>
|
|
<p>LAMAR: What was that?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long,
|
|
jackass! </p>
|
|
<p>As Jerry pulls into the one way street, a taxi comes down the street
|
|
and blocks him in. In the taxi is Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine?!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry?!</p>
|
|
<p>LAMAR: Jackass? So I'm a jackass now?</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY - ESTABLISHING</p>
|
|
<p>INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>The apartment is empty.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY STREET - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry stands in front of the one way street yelling at the cars.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the
|
|
same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can
|
|
everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention?</p>
|
|
<p>PUERTO RICAN MAN: Buenos dias, my friend.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Not you! The guy in the Amigo.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>INT. TAXI CAB - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine sits frustrated in the cab.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Uh, well, uh, here--here is good.</p>
|
|
<p>TAXI DRIVER: Oh, yeah, sure, and now I'm gonna be stuck here. But
|
|
you knew the way to go! You went to college!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, I went to Tufts! That was my safety school! So don't
|
|
talk to me about hardship.</p>
|
|
<p>She pays the driver and gets out.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY STREET - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine walks up to Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Boy, eh, can you believe this mess?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?!
|
|
We were almost out!</p>
|
|
<p>LAMAR: So that was your girlfriend that blocked you in. That's
|
|
real good.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date,
|
|
but not anymore.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine, he doesn't need-</p>
|
|
<p>LAMAR: Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: 'Cause that's what's gonna happen.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer and George walk along eating churros.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Wow. He's givin' you a mustache. Where is this guy?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Don't look around. Don't look around. That's what he wants.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: All right. Well, I'll see ya. Hey, George, I think there's
|
|
a sniper lookin' to pop ya.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine leaves. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser.
|
|
What if it hits my eye?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I can't be blind, Jerry The blind are courageous.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the
|
|
pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star.
|
|
Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer leaves.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, my god. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, there's the soda guy.</p>
|
|
<p>LAMAR: Hey, jackass! Get me a diet Dr. Pepper!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (exasperated): All right!</p>
|
|
<p>George stands petrified.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. BARRICADE - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>A police barricade set up on the parade route prevents a crowd
|
|
of people from crossing. Elaine pushes her way through the crowd.</p>
|
|
<p>OLDER MAN: Hey, hey, hey!</p>
|
|
<p>OLDER WOMAN: Wha--ow!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, this is nuts! I can't get across anywhere!</p>
|
|
<p>OLDER MAN: Well, none of us can! We're trapped!</p>
|
|
<p>OLDER WOMAN: Ow!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey! Hey, everyone. This way. I think we can get out through
|
|
here.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine picks up a nylon flap that covers the sides of some bleachers.</p>
|
|
<p>OLDER MAN: Oh, I don't know if that's such a good idea.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Look! No one knows how long this parade is gonna last!
|
|
They are a very festive people. All I know is that it's Sunday night,
|
|
and I have got to unwind! Now who's with me?!</p>
|
|
<p>OLDER WOMAN: Father?</p>
|
|
<p>PRIEST: None of us saw the nylon flap. That might mean something.</p>
|
|
<p>PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, all right, all right!</p>
|
|
<p>People start going under the bleachers.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: All right! Come on. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.</p>
|
|
<p>BUSINESS MAN: But it's dark!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Get in there!</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer looks for a bathroom. He sees a sign that reads, "Rest
|
|
rooms are for patrons only." There's another sign that reads
|
|
apartment for sale. </p>
|
|
<p>INT. APARTMENT - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>There's a knock at the door and the sales woman answers it. It's
|
|
Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes, uh, I'm interested in the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: Yes! Come in, come in.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ok.</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: I'm Christine Nyhart.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh. Delicious to meet you.</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: Did the broker send you over?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H.E. Pennypacker. I'm
|
|
a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist.
|
|
And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with
|
|
my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with.
|
|
(sniffing wall) Mmm. Mombassa, hmm?</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: The asking price is $1.5 million.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I spend that much on after shave. Yes, I buy and sell
|
|
men like myself every day. Now, I assume that there's a waterfall
|
|
grotto?</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: No.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: How about a bathroom?</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: It has 4.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yes, and where would the absolute nearest one be?</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: Just down the hall.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>He saunters to the bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>INT. BLEACHERS - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine leads everyone under the bleachers. Food falls from the
|
|
bleachers landing on them.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, don't worry. We'll get you home to your husband real
|
|
soon.</p>
|
|
<p>PREGNANT WOMAN: I'm not married.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, I, for one, really respect that.</p>
|
|
<p>PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (whispering): Hey! Guess who's not married.</p>
|
|
<p>OLDER MAN: Is the boyfriend still in the picture?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Come on, father, you can make it.</p>
|
|
<p>PRIEST: No, I can't. I've got a bad hip. Go on without me.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No! I won't!</p>
|
|
<p>PRIEST: Leave me! you must.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: All right. Take it easy.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: All right, we can move faster without father o'gimpy.</p>
|
|
<p>PRIEST: I heard that!</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY STREET - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry stands next to his car with a drink.</p>
|
|
<p>LAMAR: You know, I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab
|
|
convertible. Still haven't.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (sarcastically): Ho ho!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>George returns wearing mirrored sunglasses.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What seems to be the problem, officer?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: At me?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh. It's back.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Bring it on, baby </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What if it gets in the side?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The side?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your
|
|
cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more
|
|
intense, until finally-</p>
|
|
<p>George rips off his glasses.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All right!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh. It's in your eye now.</p>
|
|
<p>George runs off screaming. Kramer runs up to Jerry with a Puerto
|
|
Rican flag draped around him.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights!
|
|
The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, the Mets have got men on base!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You were watchin'? Where?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>INT. APARTMENT - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry sits in the apartment watching TV.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, that was a strike! Did you see that?! </p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister,
|
|
um--</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues
|
|
me. Why is it called the TV room?</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: Well, it's--</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell
|
|
you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Not Pennypacker!</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: You know him?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding
|
|
war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!</p>
|
|
<p>INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>George and Kramer sit in the car. George looks in the rear view
|
|
mirror.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Wait a second. I think I see where that laser guy is. No!
|
|
Don't look! Don't look. Oh, yeah, that's him. Ok. I'm gonna sneak
|
|
up on him. Now the hunted becomes the hunter.</p>
|
|
<p>George exits the car.</p>
|
|
<p>INT. BLEACHERS - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine and the group reach the end of the bleachers.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: We should be able to get across right through here! </p>
|
|
<p>She lifts the nylon flap to find a brick wall.</p>
|
|
<p>OLDER WOMAN: It's a dead end! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, no! I thought--</p>
|
|
<p>BUSINESS MAN: You thought?! We're gonna die in the dark! I knew
|
|
it! I knew it! We're gonna die!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Get a hold of yourself!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine slaps the man. He shoves her, she shoves back. They grab
|
|
each other and kiss.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>PREGNANT WOMAN: Oh, come on!</p>
|
|
<p>OLDER WOMAN Oooh! </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Sorry. Somebody...help us!</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. BLEACHERS - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Lots of people sit on the bleachers. A cop stands guard.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: !Mira! !Mira! Stacy Keach!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: We're down here! Help!</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: There's people down there! Hold on!</p>
|
|
<p>They lift the floorboards to reveal Elaine and her group.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here.</p>
|
|
<p>PREGNANT WOMAN: Don't judge me!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Help us up so we can cross the street?</p>
|
|
<p>POLICE OFFICER: Nah, nah, You can't cross here. There's a parade.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: But we've come so far. We just want to unwind.</p>
|
|
<p>POLICE OFFICER: Hey, what can I tell ya?</p>
|
|
<p>They close the floor boards.</p>
|
|
<p>INT. BLEACHERS - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>BUSINESS MAN: Wanna make out some more?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, god! Let us out!</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>George hides behind a van and sees a man with a pen. He sneaks
|
|
up and grabs the pen and destroys it. He ends up with ink all over
|
|
his hands. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That wasn't a laser pen.</p>
|
|
<p>DELIVERY MAN: No. It's just a pen.</p>
|
|
<p>The delivery man laughs.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, that's funny </p>
|
|
<p>DELIVERY MAN: No. You have, like, a dot on your face. Whoever's
|
|
doing that is very clever.</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY STREET - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer lights a cigar with a sparkler.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Come on, man. You need to lighten up. You know, a feeling
|
|
like this only happens once a year. </p>
|
|
<p>He tosses the sparkler into the back seat of Jerry's car where
|
|
it lands on the Puerto Rican flag.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.</p>
|
|
<p>Lamar starts to laugh as he sees the smoke rise.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: See, now you're getting the spirit of it, huh?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>Kramer smells the smoke, turns, and sees the fire.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ooh! !Dios mio!</p>
|
|
<p>He grabs the flag, throws it onto the sidewalk and stops on it.</p>
|
|
<p>MAN: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!</p>
|
|
<p>BOB: Who! Who is burning the flag?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, no.</p>
|
|
<p>BOB: Him?!</p>
|
|
<p>CEDRIC: That's not very nice.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: It was an accident.</p>
|
|
<p>BOB: Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this
|
|
is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what
|
|
day this is!</p>
|
|
<p>CEDRIC: Because it's Puerto Rican day.</p>
|
|
<p>BOB: Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag! What do
|
|
you think of that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Now look, I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer runs off screaming. The others give chase.</p>
|
|
<p>INT. APARTMENT - DAY</p>
|
|
<p>The sales woman lets George in.</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna
|
|
go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably
|
|
one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: It's down the hall.</p>
|
|
<p>George walks to the bathroom, but stops when he sees Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, hello...</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Art.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Mr. Vandelay, of course.</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: You two know each other?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer bursts through the door.</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: Mr. Pennypacker!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure
|
|
that my shark tank fits-- uh, hello.</p>
|
|
<p>SALES WOMAN: Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know
|
|
Mr. Varnsen </p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, Varnsen.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Pennypacker.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Vandelay.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Pennypacker. Varnsen.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here,
|
|
and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: The factory?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The Saab factory?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Jerry, that's in Sweden.</p>
|
|
<p>George turns on the TV as Jerry runs to the window just in time
|
|
to see a mob attacking his car.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: My car!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, you know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Jerry, the Mets lost.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I love a parade!</p>
|
|
<p>EXT. CITY SIDEWALK - NIGHT</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry's car is stuck in a stairwell outside a building. Kramer,
|
|
George, and Jerry admire the mob's handiwork.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: How do you suppose they did that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well,
|
|
shall we go home?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, what about my car?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine approaches the group. She is totally disheveled with popcorn
|
|
in her hair and her clothing stained.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, there's Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, you look, uh...relaxed.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind.</p>
|
|
<p>Lamar drives up in his maroon Golf.</p>
|
|
<p>LAMAR: Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha
|
|
ha ha! See ya around!</p>
|
|
<p>He drives off.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, at least he didn't-</p>
|
|
<p>LAMAR: Jackass!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry sets his car alarm.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Somebody remember where we parked.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: This was a fun day. It's nice to get out.</p>
|
|
<p>The foursome walk off as a laser lights up George's rear end.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
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<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<!-- content -->
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
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</script>
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</div>
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<div class="leftnav"><br />
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<ul>
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<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
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<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
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|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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|
|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
|
</div>
|
|
</form>
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|
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|
|
|
|
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|
|
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|
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</ul>
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|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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|
<p> </p>
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|
</div>
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|
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
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|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
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|
|
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<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
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|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|