769 lines
41 KiB
HTML
769 lines
41 KiB
HTML
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<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Reverse Peephole </title>
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<h1>The Reverse Peephole</h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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</p>
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<p>Aired : 01/15/98</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>Waitress giving Elaine her meal at Monk's.</p>
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<p>Waitress: Careful, this plate is extremely hot.</p>
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<p>Elaine touching the plate.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Thank you. Ow!</p>
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<p>Waitress: I just told you it was hot. Why'd you touch it?</p>
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<p>Elaine: I just wanted to know what your idea of 'hot' is.</p>
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<p>Puddy entering Monk's in a fur coat</p>
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<p>Puddy: Hey, babe. You ready to hit the ice?</p>
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<p>Elaine cracking up when she sees Puddy's coat.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I am ready to skate up a-- ha, ha, ha...Why are you wearing
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that?</p>
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<p>Puddy: It's my winter coat.</p>
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<p>Elaine: A fur?</p>
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<p>Puddy sits down in the booth.</p>
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<p>Puddy: Is there a problem?</p>
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<p>Elaine: A seemingly infinite supply.</p>
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<p>Elaine touching the plate again.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Ow! Careful, it's hot.</p>
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<p>Puddy touching the plate.</p>
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<p>Puddy: Ow!</p>
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<p>Jerry, in his apartment with Elaine and George.</p>
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<p>Jerry: So, Puddy wear's a man fur?</p>
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<p>Elaine: He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson.</p>
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<p>Jerry: And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Eh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy anymore? This
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is more about hanging off the arm of an idiot.</p>
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<p>George: And this is the first you're seeing of the coat?</p>
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<p>Elaine: We never dated in winter.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You might want to get a look at that bathing suit drawer.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other day, and I saw
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that massage chair we want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift.</p>
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<p>George: An apartment-warming gift? We got to give presents to people
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for moving? Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. I would like
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one month off.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're gettin'
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him.</p>
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<p>George: All right, but we're not buyin' it at Bloomingdale's. I
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will buy it, you pay me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I have
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a sixth sense.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.</p>
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<p>Elaine: I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You know, the second
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you walk in, he's got you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do me a
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favor? Can you keep an eye on the</p>
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<p>ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh...</p>
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<p>Jerry: I had a great time at the last one. I was in charge of the
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music. I turned that mother out.</p>
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<p>Kramer enters Jerry's apartment with Newman.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey.</p>
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<p>Kramer: You got any pliers?</p>
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<p>Jerry: What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear?</p>
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<p>Newman: Hilarious.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door. So
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you can see in.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Why?</p>
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<p>Newman: To prevent an ambush.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to
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jack me with a sock full of pennies.</p>
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<p>Jerry: But then anyone can just look in and see you.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know,
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if someone wants to help themselves to an eyefull, well, we say,
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'Enjoy the show.'</p>
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<p>Elaine: I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second act.</p>
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<p>Jerry pulls a stub of paper out of his wallet.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey, George. Here's the model number on that chair, by the
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way.</p>
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<p>Kramert: Mmm... Nice wallet.</p>
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<p>Newman: Wallet.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What?</p>
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<p>Kramer showing Jerry the contents of his pocket</p>
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<p>Kramer: Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, they went out with
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powdered wigs. Yeah, see here's what you need. Just a couple of
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cards and your bankroll.</p>
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<p>See, keep the big bills on the outside.</p>
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<p>Jerry: That's a five.</p>
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<p>Kramer singing as he switches his peephole around:</p>
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<p>Kramer: I'm on the Mexican, whoa ohh, radio...</p>
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<p>Silvio coming up behind Kramer</p>
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<p>Silvio: Eh, what are you doing?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Hey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my peephole.</p>
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<p>Silvio: Hey, you know you gotta get permission from me. I'm the
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super. Who said you could do that?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, who says I can do any of the things I do in my place?</p>
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<p>Silvio: Like what?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, I... uh, nothing. No, I'll, um, I'll switch it back.</p>
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<p>Silvio: No, no, no, no. No, that's all right.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, that's good. Because, uh, Newman and I--</p>
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<p>Silvio: Newman? He did this, too?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, yeah.</p>
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<p>Silvio: I deal with him.</p>
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<p>George showing Jerry a newspaper ad.</p>
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<p>George: Hey, look at this. This is the same massage chair we're
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gettin' for Joe Mayo, $60 cheaper.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Except the store's in Delaware.</p>
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<p>George: I'll have 'em overnight it.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know it is better without
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this big wallet. It's more comfortable.</p>
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<p>George: It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. It's wrong.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Why?</p>
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<p>George pulling out his wallet.</p>
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<p>George: Because important things go in a case. You got a skull
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for your brain, a plastic sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for
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your money.</p>
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<p>Jerry holding up a hamburger while holding George's wallet.</p>
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<p>Jerry: But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. You got more cow
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here than here.</p>
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<p>George: I need everything in there.</p>
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<p>Jerry looking through George's wallet</p>
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<p>Jerry: Irish money?</p>
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<p>George: I might go there.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station...to
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get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster.</p>
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<p>George grabbing back his wallet.</p>
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<p>George: All right, just gimme that. And gimme some of those Sweet
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& Lows.</p>
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<p>(Newman walks up to Kramer's door, looks into his reverse peephole,
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and sees Kramer, wearing an open shirt, scratching his stomach with
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a backscratcher, with</p>
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<p>opera music playing in the background. Newman knocks on the door,
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and Kramer startingly peers into his reverse peephole)</p>
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<p>Kramer: Who is it?</p>
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<p>Newman: It's Newman.</p>
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<p>Kramer: What do you want? I'm in the middle of something.</p>
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<p>Newman: I can't believe I'm being evicted.</p>
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<p>Kramer: What? What are you talking about?</p>
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<p>Newman: The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm an agitator and
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I'm out of the building.</p>
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<p>Kramer: No. No, he can't do that.</p>
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<p>Newman: I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a street corner, dancing
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for nickels. I'll be with the hobos in the trainyard, eating out
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of a bucket.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Come on, we'll go and talk to him, and we'll straighten
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this thing out.</p>
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<p>(Kramer closes his door behind him to go with Newman, when Newman
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sees that he's still wearing his open shirt)</p>
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<p>Newman: Uh, you, uh, you better put something on.</p>
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<p>Jerry, at Joe Mayo's party with George.</p>
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<p>Jerry: George, I am loving this no wallet thing.</p>
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<p>George: A man carries a wallet.</p>
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<p>Jerry: You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think
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I'm onto something.</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo, coming up to George and Jerry.</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: Hey, Jerry.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place.</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: Thanks. George, can you do me a favor and stay by the
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phone in case anybody calls and needs directions?</p>
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<p>George tossing his coat on a chair.</p>
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<p>George: Love to.</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: Thanks. Jerry...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Music?</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium and make
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sure nobody taps on the glass?</p>
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<p>Jerry: But I could do that and the music.</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: Oh, no, don't worry about the music. Just... have fun!</p>
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<p>Jerry: I was ready to get jiggy with it.</p>
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<p>Elaine entering the party with Puddy who's wearing his fur coat.</p>
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<p>Puddy: Hey.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hey, Elaine.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius.</p>
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<p>Jerry showcasing his no-wallet look.</p>
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<p>Jerry: So, Elaine, notice anything different about my... pants?</p>
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<p>Elaine eyeing Jerry patheticall, then turning to George.</p>
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<p>Elaine: So, George... did you get the chair?</p>
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<p>George: No, I don't have it yet.</p>
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<p>Jerry: So, we're givin' him nothing?</p>
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<p>George pulling out a picture of the chair.</p>
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<p>George: No, I brought a picture of the chair.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Did you at least get him a card?</p>
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<p>George: I thought we'd all sign the picture.</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo walking up to the gang with an armload of guests' coats.</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: Elaine...</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey, Joe Mayo.</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: I need you to be in charge of coats.</p>
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<p>Elaine being given all the coats and Puddy's fur coat thrown on
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top.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Elaine: Oh, fantastic.</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: And Puddy, can you make sure no one puts a drink on my...sound
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system?</p>
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<p>Puddy: Sure thing, Joe Mayo.</p>
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<p>Jerry over by the aquarium talking to a girl.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants?</p>
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<p>Keri: Nice.</p>
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<p>Jerry: (talking to George) It's working. (to the girl, who's tapping
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on the aquarium) Don't tap on the glass.</p>
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<p>George: (answering the phone while walking away) Joe Mayo's apartment?</p>
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<p>Puddy: (standing guard by the stereo as George walks by him) Hey!
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Cocktail off the speaker.</p>
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<p>(Putting the coats on a bed, Elaine sees the window, opens it,
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and throws Puddy's coat out)</p>
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<p>Elaine: Goodbye, Dr. Zaius.</p>
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<p>Silvio with his wife, Kramer, and Newman in Jerry's apartment.</p>
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<p>Silvio: Why are we in Jerry's apartment?</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, I, uh, I like to think of this as my conference room.
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Yeah, it has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves,
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and the furniture.</p>
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<p>Silvio: Make it quick Kramer, my wife and I are about to go bowling.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Oh, well, um, Newman thinks that you, uh, evicted him?</p>
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<p>Silvio: I did. I don't like Mr. Newman. He is an agitator.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Look... I've known Newman all my life, in the building,
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and you're all wrong about him. He's a model tenant. Portly, yes,
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but smart as a whip.</p>
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<p>Silvio: OK, on your word he can stay.</p>
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<p>Kramer: All right.</p>
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<p>Silvio: But... I'm gonna keep my eye on him.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Well, you won't regret it.</p>
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<p>(Kramer looks up at Newman and he sees him close to kissing Silvio's
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wife. Silvio, sees the cigar fall right out of Kramer's mouth.</p>
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<p>Silvio: What's wrong?</p>
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<p>(Kramer hurriedly picks the cigar up, but puts the wrong end in
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his mouth, burning his tongue, and quickly replacing it the right
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way in his mouth)</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: Elaine, thanks for coming.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Good working with you.</p>
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<p>Puddy coming up to them in his fur coat ready to go.</p>
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<p>Puddy: All right, let's hit the bricks.</p>
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<p>Elaine sees Puddy still having a coat.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What?</p>
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<p>Joe Mayo: Hey, I got a coat just like this!</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh. Uhhh...</p>
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<p>Elaine at Monk's with George and Jerry.</p>
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<p>Elaine: So Joe Mayo had the same coat.</p>
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<p>George: And you threw it out the window?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Mm-hmm.</p>
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<p>George: God, you're like a rock star.</p>
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<p>Elaine: So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Because you threw it out.</p>
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<p>Elaine: No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's... insane.</p>
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<p>Jerry: But you did actually throw his coat out the window.</p>
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<p>Elaine: But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, somebody
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stole it, and that's the person who should be responsible.</p>
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<p>Jerry: But that's you.</p>
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<p>Elaine: So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though
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I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway.</p>
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<p>George, taking out his wallet to pay the check.</p>
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<p>George: Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing
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cabinet under half of your ass.</p>
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<p>George replacing his wallet in his pocket.</p>
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<p>George: This...is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Look at you. You're on a slant.</p>
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<p>George: Here, just give me a couple of napkins.</p>
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<p>(He pulls some napkins out of the dispenser, puts them in his other
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back pocket, and becomes un-slanted)</p>
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<p>George: There, there I'm fine.</p>
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<p>(Suddenly, half of George's body falls with a crunch sound, as
|
|
he becomes slanty the other way now)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What was that?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I think I had some hard candy in there.</p>
|
|
<p>George sees the delivery man bringing the massage chair into his
|
|
apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No, no, this is supposed to go to Joe Mayo's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>George sits down in the chair.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Ahhh. How does this thing work?</p>
|
|
<p>George turns the chair on.</p>
|
|
<p>George:Ahhhhh...</p>
|
|
<p>Delivery Man: Sir, do you want me to deliver this to your friend's
|
|
place or not?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Ahhhhh...</p>
|
|
<p>Keri meeting Jerry on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>Keri: Ready to go?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing.</p>
|
|
<p>Keri: You don't go that often?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, because it's so stupid. Shall we?</p>
|
|
<p>Keri handing him a bunch of miscellaneous items that would seem
|
|
to normally go in her purse.</p>
|
|
<p>Keri: Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff for me?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Compact, lipstick, all this?</p>
|
|
<p>Keri, handing him a gigantic ring of keys.</p>
|
|
<p>Keri: And can you help to carry my keys?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry looks at the keys.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you, a medieval dungeon master?</p>
|
|
<p>Keri, handing him another item as she starts to walk down the street.</p>
|
|
<p>Keri: And a tin of altoids.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry puts it all in his pocket and then trying to catch up to
|
|
her</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ow! Sharp key.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer walks on the street with Newman</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Well, there's very little sleeping going on.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, why didn't you tell me about this?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Quite frankly, I don't see how it's any of your business.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, it's my business now. Look, I stuck up for you. Man,
|
|
if he catches you, we're both out.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman stops under a tree on the street and looking up into it.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Hey, what is that up that tree?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give me a boost.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer boosting Newman into the tree.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Man, where did you learn to climb trees like that?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: The Pacific Northwest.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine with Jerry at his apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: So, you had to carry some of Keri's stuff. Big deal.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet,
|
|
and I want to keep that weight off.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine making a bowl of cereal.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would
|
|
be perfect for you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Not more of that crap from the Titanic?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No. No. It's a small men's carryall.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm not carrying a purse.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine sits down at the table to eat her cereal.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's not a purse. It's European.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry sits down with Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry dialing his phone.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: If I'm gettin' him a new fur, I'm not chippin' in on a
|
|
gift, too.</p>
|
|
<p>George answering his phone, while still using the massage chair.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that chair yet?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What?</p>
|
|
<p>George: It's in... transit.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Did he get it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Mmm, good. Tell him I'm out.</p>
|
|
<p>George (hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal, right? We'll split
|
|
it three ways.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Allllll right!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What is that noise?</p>
|
|
<p>George hangs up the phone: That's my toaster. I got to go. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being
|
|
completely honest with me.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer enters Jerry's apartment and handing Jerry back his pliers.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey. Oh, uh, yeah. Uh, here are your pliers back....Weak
|
|
hinge.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, I guess I better go and price fur coats.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, go down to 88th Street. They're free.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, they're hanging from the trees. You know, Newman
|
|
found one there yesterday. Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed
|
|
lemur!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine pushing Kramer in her 'get-out!' style.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: 88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What was that pop sound?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, I had some hard candy in there.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman enters Elaine's apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: So, to what do I owe this unusual invitation?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine taking his coat and then throwing it on the floor.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Come in, come in.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Ahh! This is very much as I imagined it to be. Aside from
|
|
this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Please, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted to talk to you about
|
|
something.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: This isn't about my opening your mail?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Because I don't, never have, anything I read was already
|
|
open.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Uh, yeah, uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard that you found a
|
|
fur coat in a tree. And, I believe that it belongs to a friend of
|
|
mine, and I'd like to give it back to him.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Sorry. Climbers, keepers.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You know, Newmie. Um, I know how you feel about me, and
|
|
I have to tell you, I'm quite flattered.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: You are?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that I know, you're the
|
|
only one who's held down a steady job for several years.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Well, it's-it's interesting work, I don't mind it.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Ha ha ha ha.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Don't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh, burly, athletic type?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Uh, don't worry, he's cool.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Cool?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Very cool. So, what do you say? Can you do this one little
|
|
favor, Newmie?</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: Oh, how I've waited for this moment. But alas, my heart
|
|
belongs to another man's wife, and I have given the coat to her.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: All right, we're done here.</p>
|
|
<p>Newman: For I am in love with Svetlana, and I don't care if the
|
|
whole world knows, except for Silvio, who would throw me out of
|
|
the apartment, where I would be</p>
|
|
<p>dancing on the sidewalk--</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Keri putting her things into Jerry's carryal.</p>
|
|
<p>Keril: Nice carryall.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It's European.</p>
|
|
<p>Keri: Do you still have my lipstick?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never find anything in here.
|
|
Ah, here it is. So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't
|
|
he? So what was your job?</p>
|
|
<p>Keri: My job was to keep you away from the music.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What, he doesn't like my taste in music?</p>
|
|
<p>Keri: Guess not.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You should've been there last year. I got jiggy with it!</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio, running up and knocking on Kramer's door.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: Kramer! It's Silvio! Open up, I need to talk to you! I
|
|
can see you through the reverse peephole.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, Silvio!</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio holding up a fur coat.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: Look at this.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Huh?</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: Svetlana says she find it in the laundry room, but I think
|
|
it is a gift from that postman agitator. Where is he?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Relax, Silvio.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: No, that's it. You're both out of the building!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even give her that! No,
|
|
that's not even a woman's coat. It's a man's!</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: A man's?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: What kind of a man would wear fur?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, lots of 'em.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: Would you?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: Then who?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: What about Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: Jerry?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah, they wear a lot
|
|
of furs. They're desperate, insecure people.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: Yes, you are right. It's all about, me, me, me. Please,
|
|
look at me! I am so pretty! Love me! Want me!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Yeah, something like that.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry in his apartment with Kramer.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I have to do what?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All you have to do is wear the fur so Silvio thinks it's
|
|
yours.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Is that right?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at
|
|
what your life will be like if I'm not around?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Newman, too?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this,
|
|
I'll give you that walkman you're always asking about.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's my walkman!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: And you'll get it back.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: All right.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right. Good, thanks, I owe you one.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Hey.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman was broke when
|
|
you gave it to me.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: George, did you get that chair yet?</p>
|
|
<p>George: It gets here when it gets here. Would you stop ridin' me?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You know what? Just call up and cancel it. I'm out.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Excuse me?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music. He's not gettin'
|
|
a gift from me.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, I can't believe you're dropping out, too. So now Kramer
|
|
and I have to pay for the entire gift?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Whoa, whoa. Now, who's this Joe Mayo everyone's talking
|
|
about?</p>
|
|
<p>George: He's the guy we're the buying the chair for, remember?
|
|
It was your suggestion.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: I think the chair is a fantastic gift idea. But I never
|
|
heard of this Joe Mayo. And frankly, it sounds made up.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Oh, so now I have to buy this whole chair by myself?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, you don't have to buy anything.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I already bought it! I've been lyin' to you for three days,
|
|
and now you're all screwin' me!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I needed it! My back is... a little tweaked.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair,
|
|
and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Your good friend is morbidly obese.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It's not a purse. It's European!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right, Silvio's down there. He's shoveling the walk.
|
|
Now, all you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner,
|
|
you pick up a paper, and you come</p>
|
|
<p>right back.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: All right.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer puts the coat on Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: There you go.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How do I look?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Ahh....</p>
|
|
<p>George pulls down a tab from an ad he sees on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Learn guitar, first lesson free? Huh.</p>
|
|
<p>(George puts the stub of paper in his wallet, and tries to close
|
|
it, everything inside it flies out as the whole wallet explodes)</p>
|
|
<p>George: My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll in my favorite
|
|
fur coat.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: That is your coat?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: It sure is.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and
|
|
you're desperate for attention.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's true.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer giving Jerry his carryal.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Jerry, you forgot your purse.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, thanks.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his
|
|
coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Maybe this isn't my coat.</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: All right, you're not fancy!</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: No, he's very fancy! Want me, love me! Shower me with kisses!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine, coming up to them on the street.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his coat.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy boy.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No, that's not your coat.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: If that is not his coat, whose coat is it?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's Joe Mayo's coat.</p>
|
|
<p>Silvio: Who's Joe Mayo?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: That must be the man that's sleeping with your wife.</p>
|
|
<p>(A pickpocket runs by, taking Jerry's carryall, while everyone
|
|
yells in surprise)</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey! Officer! Someone took my European carryall!</p>
|
|
<p>Cop: Your what?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: The...black, leather...thing with a strap.</p>
|
|
<p>Cop: You mean a purse?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes, a purse. I carry a purse!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry, on the phone with Elaine putting his things back into his
|
|
wallet</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment for him with
|
|
a sock full of pennies.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He should have had a reverse peephole.</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy entering Elaine's apartment in a new bright, multi-colored
|
|
leather coat.</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Hey, Babe.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine hangs up the phone to talk to Puddy.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hello? Hello?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What is that?</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: It's my new coat.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You ditched the fur?</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a
|
|
dandy. Check it out! 8-Ball! You got a question, you ask the 8-Ball.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: You're gonna wear this all the time?</p>
|
|
<p>Puddy: All signs point to 'Yes!'</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>
|
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}
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</script>
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|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|