760 lines
42 KiB
HTML
760 lines
42 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Robbery </h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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[Scene: Comedy club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this</p>
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<p>women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that</p>
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<p>I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me...</p>
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<p>the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous</p>
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<p>thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.</p>
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<p>[shows several fingers to the audience] It's a finger, what</p>
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<p>does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm</p>
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<p>supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I</p>
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<p>mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't</p>
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<p>you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the</p>
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<p>finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've</p>
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<p>gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and</p>
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<p>uh [pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to</p>
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<p>person driving next to him] look at that toe, buddy. [puts his</p>
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<p>foot down] I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe,</p>
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<p>isn't it ?</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting</p>
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<p>at the table watching Jerry]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella,</p>
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<p>something boring to read on the plane. [zips his bag with</p>
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<p>exaggerated motions] That's it. Done!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: [claps her hands] That is the single greatest packing</p>
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<p>performance I have ever seen.</p>
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<p>JERRY: [proudly] I am...the master packer.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: [laughs] Yeah, right, you're the master packer.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What you must understand, Elaine, [picks up the</p>
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<p>umbrella] packing is no different than leading men into</p>
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<p>battle: you've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses [hits</p>
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<p>his bag rhythmically with his umbrella] of every soldier in</p>
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<p>that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of</p>
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<p>ordinary black socks.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: 'Scuse me...master packer!</p>
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<p>JERRY: ...Yes.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Just gimme your keys.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Alright, sir. [tosses Elaine his keys; apartment buzzer</p>
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<p>goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom] George?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [outside over the intercom] Yeah</p>
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<p>ELAINE: [Jerry opens the door] OK, so, now, is there anything</p>
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<p>else I need to know 'bout this place?</p>
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<p>JERRY: uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes a little while to</p>
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<p>come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all</p>
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<p>your shopping, you...come back and take a shower.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: OK, this is quite a place.</p>
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<p>JERRY: There's more, the refrigerator. [Opens it] Deduct a</p>
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<p>minimum of two days of all expiration dates. [uses the</p>
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<p>umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator]</p>
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<p>No meat, no leftovers, no butter. [closes the refrigerator]</p>
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<p>And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is</p>
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<p>that clear?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'll eat out.</p>
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<p>JERRY: One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity:</p>
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<p>strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a</p>
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<p>big favour: do it in the tub.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [walks in] Ready?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, one sec.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [closes the door] Hey, Elaine</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hi.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Coming to the airport with us?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a</p>
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<p>break from my roommate.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, the actress-waitress.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in</p>
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<p>some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all day</p>
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<p>long she's walking around the apartment singing: [singing]</p>
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<p>"God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna
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get it</p>
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<p>right in her...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You just kick her out.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: She's on the lease!...George you have got to find an</p>
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<p>other place for me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something good in</p>
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<p>your price-range. [looks like he remembers something and turns</p>
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<p>to Jerry] But you, my friend, may be in luck.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'm not looking.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No no no, this one's different, this one's a beauty!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, what's it like?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom",
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it's</p>
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<p>on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?</p>
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<p>JERRY: How much?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Uh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great</p>
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<p>building, it's two bedrooms!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough</p>
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<p>trouble maintaining activity in one. [George looks at Elaine</p>
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<p>with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around] I saw that.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You oughtta least take a look at it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Really? Why?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: 'Cause then I could move in here.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Ooohhhh</p>
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<p>ELAINE: It's time you got out a here anyway.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double parked here.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have</p>
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<p>no hot water, you can't have soft cheese...</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Let's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on</p>
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<p>here for ten years; no human can turn this off.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now, you should at</p>
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<p>least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live</p>
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<p>like this.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Like this? You just said, you wanted to live here.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from</p>
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<p>Island to Finland.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Jerry, what do ya...you wanna...you wanna see the</p>
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<p>place or not?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to</p>
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<p>Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his</p>
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<p>bags.]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Elaine! [puts his bags down, sits down on the couch,</p>
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<p>picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV]</p>
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<p>JERRY: [notices the TV is missing] ELAINE!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: [from the bathroom] JERRY! [enters the living-room]</p>
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<p>Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's the VCR.</p>
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<p>[Elaine looks guilty] What?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: They were stolen.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Stolen? When?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: A couple a hours ago, the police are coming right</p>
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<p>over.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Stolen?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: [Kramer enters the apartment] Someone left the door</p>
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<p>open. [it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the</p>
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<p>bathroom]</p>
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<p>JERRY: [to Kramer] You left the door open?!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I</p>
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<p>came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause</p>
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<p>I was gonna bring the spatula right back!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Wait, you left the lock open or the door open?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: [bobs his head guiltily] The door.</p>
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<p>JERRY: The door? You left the door open?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, and?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera...[with</p>
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<p>a broken voice] The Bold and the Beautiful</p>
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<p>JERRY: So the door was wide open?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Wide open!</p>
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<p>JERRY: [Elaine enters the living-room] And where were you?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for the shower to</p>
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<p>heat up.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance,</p>
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<p>right buddy?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: [looks shocked] How can you not have insurance?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's</p>
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<p>the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only</p>
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<p>one design flaw: the door...[shuts the door] must be CLOSED.</p>
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<p>Kramer: Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it,</p>
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<p>I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an</p>
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<p>accident.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: [theatrical] I made a mistake.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: [idem] These things happen</p>
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<p>KRAMER: [idem] I'm human</p>
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<p>JERRY: In your way.</p>
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<p>[Scene: Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a</p>
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<p>report. Jerry and Elaine are there.]</p>
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<p>POLICEMAN: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather</p>
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<p>jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Answering machine.</p>
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<p>JERRY: [disappointed] Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea</p>
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<p>of somebody out there returning my calls.</p>
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<p>POLICEMAN: What do ya mean?</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's a joke.</p>
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<p>POLICEMAN: I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll look into</p>
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<p>it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find</p>
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<p>anything.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You ever find anything?</p>
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<p>POLICEMAN: No. [hands Jerry his copy of the report]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, thanks anyway.</p>
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<p>POLICEMAN: You bet.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: [Policeman leaves the apartment, while George enters]</p>
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<p>I didn't get that joke either.</p>
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<p>JERRY: The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him.</p>
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<p>He's the crook: why would he answer...[turns around and sees</p>
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<p>George standing behind him] How did you get in here?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [makes some weird motions] I walked in, your lobby</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>door is broken again.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Again.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't know how you put up with this.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, tell'm George.</p>
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<p>JERRY: [to Elaine] You would still wanna move in here?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel</p>
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<p>Merman without the talent.</p>
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<p>JERRY: [to George] Is that uh, other apartment still</p>
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<p>available. [George shows him the keys]</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Scene: Comedy club.]</p>
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<p>JERRY: I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now,</p>
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<p>the first couple a times you go through it, it's very</p>
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<p>upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will</p>
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<p>say: "Call the police. You really should call the police."
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So</p>
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<p>you think to yourself, ya know, you watch TV, you think:</p>
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<p>"Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna</p>
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<p>see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police</p>
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<p>come over to your house...they fill out: the report...they</p>
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<p>give you: your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his</p>
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<p>copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do</p>
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<p>you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the</p>
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<p>city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few</p>
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<p>crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for</p>
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<p>their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot.</p>
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<p>"Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we
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can</p>
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<p>round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him,</p>
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<p>he's a PENGUIN!</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Scene: The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry</p>
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<p>are entering the apartment.]</p>
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<p>ELAINE: [looks around] Oh, well, come on...this is an</p>
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<p>apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a</p>
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<p>fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? [takes a closer</p>
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<p>look at the fireplace]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, this</p>
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<p>is incredible.</p>
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<p>JERRY: How do you get all that wood in here?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: They deliver it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: They deliver wood?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Whatta ya tip a "wood guy"?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: [looking intensively at the form with the apartment</p>
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<p>description] I didn't know there was a fireplace?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: A garden! I can't believe there's a garden!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Would I have to get a gardener?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, you can get a gardener.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You tip him?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You can.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: [to Elaine] You don't tip a gardener!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You can tip a gardener.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You don't need a gardener.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, you can barbecue back here [points to garden].</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They deliver the coal?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Sure, it's...probably the same guy, who delivers the</p>
|
|
<p>wood.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, than I gotta tip him.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh damn, this place is incredible, look at all this</p>
|
|
<p>great light!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't have any plants.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I have plants.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking</p>
|
|
<p>in it! [walks in the closet] It's a "walk-in". Can you
|
|
believe</p>
|
|
<p>it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [closes the closet with Elaine still in it]...I like</p>
|
|
<p>that. [opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look]</p>
|
|
<p>What do ya think, George?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's your decision.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [walks around with Elaine walking next to him, copying</p>
|
|
<p>his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not</p>
|
|
<p>able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing]</p>
|
|
<p>I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this</p>
|
|
<p>is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: [laughing with joy] Your movin'? That means I'm</p>
|
|
<p>movin'. [hugs Jerry] Gheeeeee [runs to George] isn't that</p>
|
|
<p>incredible!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Congratulations. [obviously not so thrilled by the</p>
|
|
<p>fact]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What about the couch?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You like the couch? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start</p>
|
|
<p>you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. [Elaine</p>
|
|
<p>looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall] Get it out a</p>
|
|
<p>here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see</p>
|
|
<p>it, go, get it out.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what? For this</p>
|
|
<p>couch?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: For this couch?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [shuts the door] OK, you tell me, what is it worth?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: OK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could go as high as</p>
|
|
<p>uh... [takes a closer look at couch] I don't know, maybe...$20</p>
|
|
<p>dollars?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on his face;
|
|
the</p>
|
|
<p>apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom]</p>
|
|
<p>Yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: [outside over the intercom] Yeah, it's George.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Come on up. [opens the door; walks back to the couch]</p>
|
|
<p>Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now...</p>
|
|
<p>[picks up the cushions] I'm just gonna pack up the cushions</p>
|
|
<p>right now...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: OK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You wanna get the other end, 'cause I wanna get it in</p>
|
|
<p>the hall. [acts like he's going to lift up the couch]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: $50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that all right?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: $50 dollars?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Uh-huh.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Thank you very much.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Thank you very much.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: [walks in and closes the door] Hey, what's goin' on?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I just bought Jerry's couch for $50 dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [to George] So did you bring the lease? [George takes</p>
|
|
<p>the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry] All</p>
|
|
<p>right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry [said very quickly],</p>
|
|
<p>listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at</p>
|
|
<p>all, at all: do not feel like you have to take it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want</p>
|
|
<p>it,</p>
|
|
<p>don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take</p>
|
|
<p>it, ya know. [said with a "for-instance-look" on his
|
|
face]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You could take it? You want it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So you do want it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No I, I want it if you don't want it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You just said, you wanted it!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you</p>
|
|
<p>didn't want it, I might take it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [picks up the lease and hands it to George] So take it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: [refuses to take the lease from Jerry; Elaine looks</p>
|
|
<p>worried] How can I take it?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How can I take it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's your apartment!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How can I want it now, if you want it?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Excuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause any trouble</p>
|
|
<p>here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yes, but I am not taking it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I...am not taking it. [drops the lease demonstratively]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, one of you better damn well take it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, whatta you wanna do here?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I, I don't know. [makes a gesture, that he doesn't</p>
|
|
<p>know]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Do you wanna flip a coin?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: ...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: OK, fine...[takes a coin from his pocket] This is the</p>
|
|
<p>official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and</p>
|
|
<p>that's it, agreed?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm good.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know, who to rune for, George's place has</p>
|
|
<p>carpeting.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right, now you call it in the air.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No catchin'.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No no.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Flip it. [Jerry flips the coin] Heads! [the coin hits</p>
|
|
<p>the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at</p>
|
|
<p>the coin]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Tails!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, it hit the table, it hit the table.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So what?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: INTERFERENCE! YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT. COME ON, ARE YOU</p>
|
|
<p>CRAZY?!! THE COIN CAN NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, it affects it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You didn't call no interference!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL THAT. THAT'S A RULE!!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't believe this.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it,</p>
|
|
<p>just take it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do ya</p>
|
|
<p>think?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'd better not...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: ...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose you for it.</p>
|
|
<p>Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you</p>
|
|
<p>gotta win three.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: OK [they walk around each other]...OK. I'll choose</p>
|
|
<p>you...whatta ya want?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Odds</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I want evens.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Good.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You got odds.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY You got evens.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Right, ready.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: For the apartment. [they take their "choose positions"]</p>
|
|
<p>BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Mine!</p>
|
|
<p>BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Mine! [George walks to the table to take a break]</p>
|
|
<p>BOTH: [they take their positions again] Once, twice, three,</p>
|
|
<p>shoot!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Mine!</p>
|
|
<p>BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: [Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring up Jerry's couch]</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Congratulations...congratulations.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Thanks. [George walks to the bathroom]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: [screaming in bathroom] WHAT DID I PUT UP TO? WHAT DID</p>
|
|
<p>I PUT UP TO?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: [enters the apartment "Kramer-style"] Jerry,
|
|
I think</p>
|
|
<p>I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the</p>
|
|
<p>Englishman, who lives down the hall?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: The last couple a days he's been acting very strange;</p>
|
|
<p>I think he's avoiding me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hard to imagine. [ironically]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah! And get this: I just got of the elevator with</p>
|
|
<p>him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I</p>
|
|
<p>said to him, like I, I was like this [shows how he was acting</p>
|
|
<p>in the elevator], I went: "Oh, by the way, I now about the</p>
|
|
<p>stuff."</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Right.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ya know, very casually, so that he was gonna take me</p>
|
|
<p>in to his confidence.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So what did he say?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: "What stuff?".</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ooh, case closed! [ironically]</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed...see,</p>
|
|
<p>the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something!</p>
|
|
<p>Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if I</p>
|
|
<p>don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the</p>
|
|
<p>police.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: OK, starting [looks at his watch]...NOW!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah! [said in his own typical way and he runs off]</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Scene: Comedy club]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid,</p>
|
|
<p>you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and</p>
|
|
<p>those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way</p>
|
|
<p>that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them</p>
|
|
<p>say: "I got the front seat" [other kid's voice] "I
|
|
wanted the</p>
|
|
<p>front seat!" [first kid again] "I called it". And
|
|
the other</p>
|
|
<p>kid knows he's got nothing to say: [other kid's voice] "He</p>
|
|
<p>called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court
|
|
of law"</p>
|
|
<p>it holds up: [lawyer's voice] "Your Honour, my client did
|
|
ask</p>
|
|
<p>for the front seat"...and the judge would go: "Did he
|
|
call</p>
|
|
<p>it?" [lawyer's voice again] "Well no, he didn't call..."
|
|
BANG!</p>
|
|
<p>[imitating a hammer being hit by the judge]; [judges voice</p>
|
|
<p>again] "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled".</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>[Scene: Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a</p>
|
|
<p>table, George is returning from the bathroom]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: [walks towards the table] I love the mirror in that</p>
|
|
<p>bathroom! I don't know what in the hell it is: I look terrific</p>
|
|
<p>in that mirror. [sits down] I don't know if it's the tile or</p>
|
|
<p>the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: [bobs his head] It's a good mirror...[both look at</p>
|
|
<p>their menus] So, what are ya gettin'?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't have anything</p>
|
|
<p>anymore. Look at this, look at this: eggs: out, coffee: out,</p>
|
|
<p>french fries: out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents:</p>
|
|
<p>three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot!</p>
|
|
<p>They're closing in on a hundred, I'm sayin' to them: "How
|
|
can</p>
|
|
<p>you eat that stuff?!"...[they look at their menus again] I'm</p>
|
|
<p>so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm not taking the</p>
|
|
<p>place!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How can I live there?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Why not?!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Look at you, you're still thinking about it, I'll never</p>
|
|
<p>feel comfortable.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, get out a here.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Mope?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're already moping!...Would you take the place?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, impossible! It's your apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You found the place.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You won the choose.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All right, forget it, it's over, I'm not moving.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, me neither.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Definitely?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Definitely.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, than just get rid of it. You won't have any</p>
|
|
<p>problem.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, it's not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment</p>
|
|
<p>this afternoon. [a waitress approaches]</p>
|
|
<p>WAITRESS: What apartment?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom"
|
|
uh, west</p>
|
|
<p>83rd 'bout half block from the park.</p>
|
|
<p>WAITRESS: What's the rent?</p>
|
|
<p>[Scene: The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it;</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a</p>
|
|
<p>couch, all three moping]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't know, what we're doin' here, this is</p>
|
|
<p>ridiculous.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She wanted to thank us for the apartment. [very</p>
|
|
<p>irritated]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I can't believe I lost the deposit on that u-hall. [I</p>
|
|
<p>can't quite understand what she'd saying here]And I threw out</p>
|
|
<p>my couch. [She slaps Jerry on the leg]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: If only the coin hadn't hit the table.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: The table is interference, you know it!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It is not!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It is too!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carrousel.</p>
|
|
<p>[irritated]</p>
|
|
<p>WAITRESS(CAROL): Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hi, Carol.</p>
|
|
<p>CAROL: I just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is</p>
|
|
<p>Larry [points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get</p>
|
|
<p>up]. This is George, Elaine and Jerry [points to them] [to</p>
|
|
<p>Larry] These are the guys who got us the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>LARRY: Oh, you don't know how grateful I am, if there's</p>
|
|
<p>anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so</p>
|
|
<p>thrilled with this place.</p>
|
|
<p>CAROL: It's a dream.</p>
|
|
<p>LARRY: I'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're</p>
|
|
<p>barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: We're really glad for ya. [very sadly]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Couldn't be happier. [idem]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's wonderful. [idem; they sit down again]</p>
|
|
<p>CAROL: Diane, Diane, come here. [she beckons a women; she</p>
|
|
<p>comes to the couch] This is my new next door neighbour, Diane.</p>
|
|
<p>[Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very</p>
|
|
<p>attractive] [to Diane] These are the guys, who turned this</p>
|
|
<p>place down, can you believe it? [to Jerry, George and Elaine]</p>
|
|
<p>Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse!</p>
|
|
<p>DIANE: How, how could you guys have turned this place down,</p>
|
|
<p>it's such a great location and it's...so close to the park.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: We're aware of the proximity to the park, yes.</p>
|
|
<p>DIANE: Well, it was nice to meet you. [she walks away]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Nice meeting you. [shakes Carol's hand; they sit down</p>
|
|
<p>again; Carol walks away]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe uh,</p>
|
|
<p>buying a new TV and smash it over my head. [two men are</p>
|
|
<p>standing behind the couch talking]</p>
|
|
<p>RIGHT MAN: I get a call from Gilmore this morning and get</p>
|
|
<p>this: they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I</p>
|
|
<p>gotta be there on the first of the month.</p>
|
|
<p>LEFT MAN: Really? What are you gonna 'bout the apartment?</p>
|
|
<p>RIGHT GUY: Well, what can I do? Give it up.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY, ELAINE and GEORGE: What's the rent?</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
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<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
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<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
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<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
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<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
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<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
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<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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<!--
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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|
window.location = locationstring;
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|
}
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|
-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
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</div>
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</div>
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|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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|
</script>
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|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
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})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
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