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<h1>The Scofflaw</h1>
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<p>Transcribed by:&nbsp;
Mark Brockbank - Barrow-in-Furness, UK<br>
<br>
Episode Number: 099<br>
Original Air Date: January 26, 1995<br>
<br>
Written by: Peter Mehlman<br>
Directed by: Andy Ackerman<br>
<br>
Guest Cast:<br>
Marty Rackham (Jake Jarmel)<br>
Barbara Alyn Woods (Debby)<br>
Ivory Ocean (Officer Morgan)<br>
Basil Hoffman (Salesman)<br>
Lillian Lehman (Judge)<br>
Jon Lovitz (Gary Fogel)<br>
Danny Breen (Guy With Glasses)<br>
Bob Shaw (Cabbie)<br>
Dale Harimoto (Reporter)<br>
Joe Ochman (Customer)<br>
Elisabeth Sjoli (Woman)<br>
<br>
<br>
[Nightclub]<br>
<br>
Jerry's standup piece.<br>
<br>
JERRY: The big new accessory with eyeglasses, seems to be that strap,
that<br>
connects in the back so you can take 'em on and off. Which I don't
get, because<br>
I thought, if you have glasses, isn't that because you need to wear
glasses?<br>
'You need glasses', isn't that what they say? I mean, an eye doctor
doesn't say<br>
'Would you care for some glasses?' When people have crutches, they
don't have<br>
like a little chain attached to their belt, so they can just let
go of 'em every<br>
now and then. Why not get a toupee with a rubber band for when you're<br>
water-skiing, the thing could just... (mimes semi-airborne wig with
hand)<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
George hurrying along, he passes Gary who recognises him.<br>
<br>
GARY: Hey George.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Gary? Well, well, well well. Where the hell've you been?
I've been<br>
leaving you phone messages for months.<br>
<br>
GARY: I know. I've been pretty busy.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Busy. Don't give me busy. Who's not busy? I'm busy, we're
all busy,<br>
everybody's busy. All right, tell me, what's kept you so busy?<br>
<br>
GARY: Mostly chemotherapy. 'Kay, I'll see you.<br>
<br>
[Different Street]<br>
<br>
A cop, with an eye patch, is writing a ticket for a car. Kramer
is about to cross<br>
the street. He waits for a car to pass. As it passes, a tray of
litter is tossed<br>
from its window and lands near Kramer.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (to car as it accelerates away) Hey pig!<br>
<br>
The cop hears this and turns to see who said it. As he does so,
the car he is<br>
ticketing starts up and speeds away.<br>
<br>
COP: (at car) Hey! Hey! Hey!<br>
<br>
Kramer takes advantage of the distraction to run away.<br>
<br>
[Jerry's Apartment]<br>
<br>
JERRY: So you called the cop a pig?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean this is my town.
You don't throw<br>
trash on the streets of my town.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Didn't you explain that to the cop?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: No, I fled the scene.<br>
<br>
George enters. He looks disquieted.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (to George) Hey.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (to George) Hey buddy.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Hey, uh...<br>
<br>
KRAMER: What?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Kramer, I, I, I, uh, I need to talk to Jerry privately.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Oh. What about?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Kramer...<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Aw come on George, you can share it with me, huh?<br>
<br>
Kramer grabs George in a headlock.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Hey, you're hurting me!<br>
<br>
KRAMER: You gonna share it with me next time, huh?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: I swear, I swear!<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Aw, all right, I'm looking forward to it.<br>
<br>
He releases George from the headlock and exits, but he closes the
door slowly<br>
and can be seen peering in through the decreasing gap until it finally
shuts<br>
completely. Jerry and George watch him until the door is closed.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Right, I got news. You ready? (deep breath) Gary Fogel had
cancer.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Oh yeah, I knew.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: You knew? How did you know?<br>
<br>
JERRY: He told me a few months ago.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Why did he tell you and not me?<br>
<br>
JERRY: I don't know.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: How are you closer to him than me?<br>
<br>
Jerry shrugs.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: So, is he okay?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Oh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in bad shape for a while
though.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his death bed?<br>
<br>
JERRY: No, he was on his regular bed.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: So why didn't you tell me?<br>
<br>
JERRY: He swore me to secrecy.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: So?<br>
<br>
JERRY: It's not like you're my wife.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Well, I still think you shoulda told me.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey, believe me, you were better off not knowing. It's not
easy to deal<br>
with someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I almost
made myself<br>
sick.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Well, I wanna talk to him about this.<br>
<br>
JERRY: That's right, you let him have it.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Mmm-mm.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: That's what I'm saying.<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
JERRY: His illness is your business.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: If not mine, whose?<br>
<br>
JERRY: If not now, when?<br>
<br>
The door opens and Elaine enters. She senses a conversation has
just ceased.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Were you just talking about me?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: No, an old friend of ours, Gary.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Oh, the guy with cancer?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's not your wife!<br>
<br>
JERRY: If I told you, you woulda given it away.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: You don't think I can keep a secret?<br>
<br>
JERRY: No, but he would've read your face.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: You don't trust my poker face?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Do you ever win at poker?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (shamefaced) No.<br>
<br>
Door opens and Kramer enters. He sees Elaine.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Hey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your old boyfriend on TV.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Egh, Jake Jarmel?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Yeah. I really liked those glasses he was wearing. Where'd
he get those.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Why? You don't wear glasses.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: I know, I know. But I need a new look, I'm stagnating.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: I have to say, as a glasses wearer I take exception to that.
That's like<br>
me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Yeah, I've considered that. (to Elaine) Look, how do I get
in touch with<br>
this guy?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Well, he's having a two day book signing at Waldens.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Ah.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: You know, we had a really bad break-up.<br>
<br>
JERRY: The Jujy Fruits?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (upset) Yeah, the Jujy Fruits.<br>
<br>
[Waldenbooks]<br>
<br>
A queue of people wait to have their hardbacks signed by Jake Jarmel,
who sits<br>
at a table, wearing spectacles with dark oval frames. Kramer is
having his copy<br>
signed.<br>
<br>
JAKE: Okay, K-Man, enjoy the book.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Okay, thank you. Listen Jake, uh, where did you get those
eyeglass<br>
frames?<br>
<br>
JAKE: I can't tell you that.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: So you don't know where you got 'em?<br>
<br>
JAKE: Yes I do. But I don't want anyone else to have them.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Well, that's peculiar. (leaves)<br>
<br>
[Monk's]<br>
<br>
George and Gary sit in a booth. Among the other customers is an
attractive woman<br>
sitting in the corner, reading a book.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Eh, there's that woman that never talks to anybody.<br>
<br>
GARY: Really?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Every day she comes in, she sits at that table and reads.
Never talks to<br>
anybody.<br>
<br>
GARY: Oh, I talked to Debby Bibelo. She said to say hi.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (pleasant surprise) Really? (admonishing) You know Gary,
I really have<br>
to say, I'm a little bit hurt that you didn't decide to confide
in me.<br>
<br>
GARY: Well frankly, you can't keep a secret. You know, you'd get
two pair, the<br>
whole table knows.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Well I still think it was wrong.<br>
<br>
GARY: Right, well I'm sorry, all right. I guess I was just thinking
of myself.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (well, obviously) Yes.<br>
<br>
[Another street]<br>
<br>
Kramer is talking to the eyepatch-wearing cop.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: ...so I called the litterbug a pig, not you. I like policeman.
I wanted<br>
to be a policeman.<br>
<br>
COP: Yeah? So why didn't you?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Scared of being shot.<br>
<br>
COP: Mr Kramer, let me tell you a story. In nineteen-seventy-nine
I ticketed a<br>
brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a Church zone. That fine was
never paid, and<br>
since then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than
anyone in New<br>
York City. For sixteen years I pursued him, only to see him give
me the slip<br>
time and time again. I never got a clean look at his face, but he's
become my<br>
'white whale'. Mr Kramer, that day was yesterday! But thanks to
you, I don't<br>
know if I'll ever get that chance again!<br>
<br>
KRAMER: I like that eye patch.<br>
<br>
[Monks']<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (standing) All right, I'm gonna move my car, my meter's
up. Can't park in<br>
this city.<br>
<br>
GARY: (standing) Hey, George, listen. You know that company I work
for, they own<br>
that parking lot around the corner.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Wha, that's a Kinney lot?<br>
<br>
GARY: Yeah, and there's a space opening up, and I could get it for
you. You just<br>
have to pay the tax on it. It'd be like, fifty a month.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Fifty bucks a month, that's incredible! Okay, thanks.<br>
<br>
GARY: All right, I got lunch, all right.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: You still owe me a secret.<br>
<br>
GARY: All right, listen. There is something I haven't told you,
all right?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Yeah?<br>
<br>
GARY: Yeah, but uhm, you can't tell Jerry.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: What do think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's
my wife.<br>
<br>
GARY: Okay. Well, the thing is, I've been living a lie.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Just one? I'm living like twenty. (chuckles) What's yours?<br>
<br>
GARY: Well, I (laughs) I never actually had cancer. (laughs) I'll
see you.<br>
(leaves)<br>
<br>
[Jerry's apartment]<br>
<br>
Kramer and Jerry sit on the couch, Elaine in the chair. Kramer and
Elaine are<br>
talking, Jerry reads a magazine.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: So he refused to tell you where he got the glasses?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (rising) Flat out refused! (walks past Jerry, who moves
his legs)<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Yeah, isn't that just like him? (she steps over Jerry's
legs) You know,<br>
he has to be the only one who has 'em.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Yeah, tell me about it, soul sister. (he opens the door
to leave)<br>
Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.<br>
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
ELAINE: What? (she slams the door shut before Kramer can exit) You
told Jake I<br>
said hi?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Yeah.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: I can't believe you did that! Why did you tell him I said
hi? I never<br>
said hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi?<br>
<br>
JERRY: I never heard her say hi.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Well, it's uh, common courtesy.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: No, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't understand. He made
the last<br>
contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship.
If he<br>
thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.<br>
<br>
JERRY: It's like a game of tag.<br>
<br>
Elaine gathers her stuff together, ready to leave.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Where you going?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Nowhere.<br>
<br>
JERRY: You're going to the book store to see Jake Jarmel, aren't
you?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: So what if I do? (heads for the door)<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well, listen. If you're going
there,<br>
(following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you where
he got<br>
those glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine!<br>
<br>
George enters as Kramer and Elaine leave. He closes the door behind
him.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey. How'd it go with Gary?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine, fine. (he removes
his coat)<br>
<br>
JERRY: (suspicious) Really?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (shifty) Yeah.<br>
<br>
JERRY: You look like something's on your mind.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: No. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table)<br>
<br>
JERRY: So, that's your poker face.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: My regular face.<br>
<br>
JERRY: No it isn't. I've seen your regular face. That is not it.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: What are you saying?<br>
<br>
JERRY: All right George, c'mon, what d'you got? (sits opposite George)<br>
<br>
GEORGE: I got nothing.<br>
<br>
JERRY: What you got, a pair of bullets?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: What you talking about?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Two pair? Three of a kind?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Will you stop it?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Oh my God, you got a flush! You're holding a flush!<br>
<br>
GEORGE: I don't have a flush.<br>
<br>
JERRY: A full house? You got a full house? Turn 'em over George,
I wanna see<br>
'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you got!<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (broken, shouts) Gary Fogel never had cancer!<br>
<br>
[Waldenbooks]<br>
<br>
Jake Jarmel is at the same table as before. Elaine is talking to
him. There are<br>
other people queuing behind her.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: So you see, Kramer took it upon himself to say hi to you
from me. When<br>
in fact it was an unauthorised hi.<br>
<br>
JAKE: You're saying you didn't say hi.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: That's what I'm saying.<br>
<br>
JAKE: So that's what you came down here to tell me?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Correct.<br>
<br>
JAKE: You never said hi?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Correct.<br>
<br>
JAKE: You still like me, don't you?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Correct. (catches herself) What's that?<br>
<br>
MAN: Hey, I have been trying to get this book signed all day.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (takes the book from the guy and signs it herself) How can
you say that<br>
I still like you, when I didn't even say hi to you?<br>
<br>
JAKE: Elaine, coming down here to say that you didn't say hi is
more of a<br>
gesture than if you did say hi.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Ah, Jake... (realises his logic) I, uh...<br>
<br>
[Jerry's apartment]<br>
<br>
GEORGE: The doctors thought he had cancer, but the surgery revealed
he never<br>
actually had it.<br>
<br>
JERRY: So what was wrong with him?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Nothing!<br>
<br>
JERRY: So he's been lying to me for two months?!<br>
<br>
GEORGE: That's right.<br>
<br>
JERRY: What kind of person is this? There's only one other person
who might be<br>
able to do something like this, and that's you.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Well...<br>
<br>
JERRY: I don't even think you could do it.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Oh, I could do it.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Yeah, I guess you could.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (snorts) C'mon.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Did you know he was so worried about losing more hair if
he had to get<br>
chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the
Hair Team For<br>
Men, just to put his mind at ease?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: You did that?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy. (moves to pick
up phone)<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't say anything. (rushes
to take<br>
phone from Jerry)<br>
<br>
JERRY: Why not?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (puts down handset) Because he'll know I told you. Besides,
he's giving<br>
me a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing.<br>
<br>
JERRY: So you're telling me, because you're getting free parking,
I gotta<br>
pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Yeah.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Well I don't like it. I don't like it one bit! And, I'm supposed
to see<br>
him tomorrow.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Yeah, well you have to maintain the same disposition too.
You can't<br>
start acting any differently. You have to be nice.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Why didn't he tell me?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Because you were being so nice.<br>
<br>
JERRY: I don't think I can be that nice.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (shouts) You be nice!<br>
<br>
George and Jerry turn their backs to other and angrily stalk away
from each<br>
other.<br>
<br>
[Monk's]<br>
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
<br>
Jerry enters. He looks around for Gary, and does a double-take as
he see him<br>
sitting in a booth, wearing a wig.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Gary?<br>
<br>
GARY: What d'you think? Check it out. (he tries a number of expressions,
turning<br>
his head side to side, to show off the hairpiece)<br>
<br>
JERRY: Is that from my gift certificate?<br>
<br>
GARY: Yeah buddy. You really came through for me man. You've been
so nice.<br>
(shakes Jerry by the hand)<br>
<br>
JERRY: (through gritted teeth) Yeah, well, I'm glad you could take
advantage.<br>
<br>
GARY: Hey, you know what I'm thinking of doing? I'm getting rid
of all my<br>
fillings, 'cos that mercury's toxic. Hey, let me see your fillings.<br>
<br>
JERRY: I don't think so.<br>
<br>
GARY: Oh come on, open up. Let me take a look.<br>
<br>
Jerry can be seen struggling against his instincts. He hears George's
words from<br>
earlier.<br>
<br>
GEORGE (V.O.): You be nice! He's giving me a parking space (echoes)
parking<br>
space... parking space...<br>
<br>
Jerry leans forward and opens his mouth, but he's not happy about
it.<br>
<br>
GARY: (peering in) Well, what d'you know. Hey, lookee there, you're
loaded.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Okay. (shuts mouth)<br>
<br>
GARY: Hey, look who's over there. Miss Cool-toes. Check this out,
Jack! (rises)<br>
<br>
Kramer enters. He's wearing an eyepatch like the cop's.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (to Jerry) Hey buddy.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey. Look at you. Wha... what's this?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: It's an eyepatch.<br>
<br>
JERRY: You look like a pirate.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: I wanna be a pirate.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (gesturing) This is Gary.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (to Gary) How you doing?<br>
<br>
GARY: All right.<br>
<br>
Kramer goes to shake Gary by the hand, but due to his impaired vision,
he misses<br>
by several inches at the first attempt. He lifts the patch up to
restore his<br>
depth perception. They shake, and Gary leaves to talk to the 'girl
who never<br>
talks'. Kramer moves to sit in the vacant seat.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Well, I tell you there's only one problem.<br>
<br>
Kramer sits down, misjudges the seat and almost slides under the
table. He<br>
upsets plates and glasses.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Can't see on your right side?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: No. It's uh, (swaps patch to the other eye) it's itchy<br>
<br>
[George's car]<br>
<br>
DEBBY: Nice car.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Yeah. Once belonged to Jon Voight.<br>
<br>
DEBBY: So, what made you just call me out of the blue like that?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Oh, well, uh. Gary told me you said hi.<br>
<br>
DEBBY: I didn't say hi.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: You didn't?<br>
<br>
DEBBY: Uh, no. I told him to send you my regards. I didn't say hi.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Regards?<br>
<br>
DEBBY: Yeah, regards.<br>
<br>
[Cab]<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Anyway, I admit I was dumb to go to the bookstore to tell
him I didn't<br>
say hi, but he didn't have to act so smug. Oh, I hate smugness.
Don't you hate<br>
smugness?<br>
<br>
CABBIE: (heavy accent) Smugness is not a good quality.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (looking out of window) Oh my God. That man over there.
I think he's<br>
wearing glasses that look just like Jake's. Pull over, stop the
car. (hands<br>
money to cabbie as she exits) Here, here. I think I got a way of
getting back at<br>
my ex-boyfriend.<br>
<br>
CABBIE: Good. Revenge is very good.<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
Elaine is running after a guy who is indeed wearing identical spectacles
to Mr<br>
Jarmel.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (calling down street) 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me. (catches up
to guy) Excuse<br>
me, sir. Sir?<br>
<br>
GUY: Yes?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Uh. Ah, if you don't mind my asking, could you tell me where
you got<br>
your glasses?<br>
<br>
GUY: Malaysia.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Malaysia?<br>
<br>
GUY: Yeah.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Uhm, look, I know this'll sound odd, but can I buy them
from you?<br>
<br>
GUY: Actually, I was gonna buy a new pair.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (positive) Oh! (little chuckle)<br>
<br>
GUY: But I, I can barely see without these.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: C'mon.<br>
<br>
GUY: Well, these were expensive.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Let's start the bidding.<br>
<br>
[George's car]<br>
<br>
GEORGE: So, you didn't think this was a date?<br>
<br>
DEBBY: N... no, not really. Why, is it... a date?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: I thought it was a date.<br>
<br>
DEBBY: No. It's not a date.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: What about the regards?<br>
<br>
DEBBY: Regards don't mean anything. I mean, it's not like I said
hi. Hey, the<br>
fact is... (sighs) I shouldn't say anything.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: No, tell me.<br>
<br>
DEBBY: Can you keep a secret?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Me? Oh yeah.<br>
<br>
DEBBY: (deep breath) I never had feelings for Gary until he got
sick. But, h...<br>
he was so brave and... and gained such a wonderful perspective on
life. I... I<br>
fell in love with him.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Oh, the guy's got some perspective there.<br>
<br>
[Monk's]<br>
<br>
Jerry and Kramer in their booth.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey, do you know what the Whip does?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: What whip?<br>
<br>
JERRY: The Whip. In the Senate, in the House.<br>
<br>
<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
KRAMER: Well, you know in the old days, when the senators didn't
vote the way<br>
that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. (holds
imaginary<br>
whip) You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be
big trouble.<br>
(cracks invisible whip and makes sound effect)<br>
<br>
Gary returns from talking to the 'girl who never talks'.<br>
<br>
GARY: She won't talk to anyone, huh? Oh no, she won't say a word
to anybody.<br>
Well, she's talking a blue streak now, Jack!<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
The eye patch-wearing cop spots a familiar Dodge.<br>
<br>
COP: Well, well. The 'white whale'.<br>
<br>
He moves in for the kill.<br>
<br>
[George's car]<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (frustrated) Oh, look at this. There's no place to park
around here. I<br>
don't even know why they sell cars in Manhattan.<br>
<br>
DEBBY: Don't complain, at least you have your health.<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
The guy Elaine bought the glasses from is peering blurrily about.
It's clear he<br>
can barely see anything. He steps between cars and out into the
road.<br>
<br>
[George's car]<br>
<br>
DEBBY: George, look out for that man!<br>
<br>
[Monk's]<br>
<br>
The sound of tires squealing is heard from outside, followed immediately
by the<br>
crash of cars colliding. Kramer leaps to his feet and heads out
to investigate.<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
The cop has obviously been distracted by the same noises whilst
writing a<br>
ticket. The scofflaw has taken advantage, and the Dodge squeals
away, passing<br>
Kramer as he emerges from Monk's.<br>
<br>
COP: (to escaping car) Hey! Hey, get back here!<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (looking after fleeing car) Newman! The white whale!<br>
<br>
[Jerry's apartment]<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Can you believe he sold his glasses on the street?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get
a wig? Would<br>
you do that?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: No. Definitely not.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Yeah.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.<br>
<br>
JERRY: And you know what else? He picked up that woman in the coffee
shop.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: The one who always sits by herself?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Yeah!<br>
<br>
GEORGE: How did he do that?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Because he was brimming with confidence from the toupee.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Really? And Debby told me that she fell in love with him
because he has<br>
all this perspective!<br>
<br>
JERRY: She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening illness,
so he can get<br>
some phony hair has perspective?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (opening door to leave) He picked her up?<br>
<br>
JERRY: Walked right over to her table.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Wow. (he runs his fingers through his hair, and then brushes
the<br>
resulting fallout off his jacket)<br>
<br>
[Waldenbooks]<br>
<br>
Jake still at the signing table. People still queuing. Elaine skips
past the<br>
queue.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Jake, Jake. Take a look. (puts on the frames she bought)
Aaw, see,<br>
you're not the only one who has 'em. I have them too.<br>
<br>
JAKE: Where did you get those?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Malaysia. I was in the area.<br>
<br>
Jake thumps the desk in frustrated rage.<br>
<br>
[Newman's car]<br>
<br>
Newman is sitting alone. The door opens and Kramer jumps in.<br>
<br>
NEWMAN: (surprised) Kramer.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Just drive.<br>
<br>
Newman puts the car in gear and sets off.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who
you are. You're<br>
the scofflaw.<br>
<br>
NEWMAN: (defensive) What're you talking about...<br>
<br>
KRAMER: (interrupting) Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.<br>
<br>
NEWMAN: All right, so it's me. So what?<br>
<br>
KRAMER: You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second
of the day?<br>
Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind.
Sitting<br>
alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.<br>
<br>
NEWMAN: I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Ga, of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you
tell me?<br>
<br>
NEWMAN: I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself?<br>
<br>
NEWMAN: (sobbing) Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody.
(pleading)<br>
Help me Kramer! Help me!<br>
<br>
KRAMER: All right, all right, I'm gonna help you.<br>
<br>
[Street]<br>
<br>
George and Jerry, walking together.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: I'll try some on and see how they look. It's just hair.<br>
<br>
JERRY: You ever see what that thing looks like in the back? You
got your natural<br>
little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming down
on top of<br>
'em.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Well, some of 'em look good. The ones that look good you
don't even know<br>
about.<br>
<br>
JERRY: What if you get involved with a woman? How're you gonna tell
her?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: The way they make 'em these days, I'll never have to tell
her.<br>
<br>
JERRY: So you keep it a secret your whole life, then at your funeral
the<br>
mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought
you might want<br>
this'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh!<br>
<br>
[Monk's]<br>
<br>
Elaine and Mr Lippman, sitting in a booth.<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: It's no secret that it's my dream to have my own publishing
house, and<br>
if this Jake Jarmel book does, you know, what I think it's gonna
do. If I can<br>
get this whole thing off the ground, then , you know, I think I'll
have<br>
something for you. (laughs)<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Oh, Mr Lippman. (joins laughter) That is so exciting. I
mean, you have<br>
<!-- BeginAd05 --><!-- EndAd -->
no idea how sick I am of running around town looking for socks.<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: Yeah, by the way, those are great glasses.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Oh really, you like 'em?<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: Uh huh. Very unusual.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Well, you know what? (removes glasses)<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: What?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (hands them over) You can have 'em.<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: Oh, no no no. (waves them away) Please.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: No no no no. Go to that place on the corner, they'll change
the<br>
prescription in an hour. Take 'em.<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: Really?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: Yeah, I've no use for them anymore. Honestly.<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: (accepting) I could use a new pair of reading glasses.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: They're from Malaysia.<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: (putting on spectacles) Oh yeah?<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (admiring gasp) Fabulous.<br>
<br>
[Courtroom]<br>
<br>
Newman stands before a female Judge. Kramer stands beside him. There
are the<br>
usual personnel for a courtroom.<br>
<br>
JUDGE: Well Mr Newman, in all my years on the bench, I have never
come across<br>
anything quite like this. I have given this matter some very serious<br>
consideration and I've decided that what's best for the city and
possibly for<br>
yourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage...<br>
<br>
Newman bursts into anguished tears.<br>
<br>
JUDGE: ...convenient to your home.<br>
<br>
NEWMAN: (sobbing) I can't afford that!<br>
<br>
JUDGE: Afford it you will, Mr Newman. Or this court will see that
your car is<br>
impounded...<br>
<br>
Newman's sobbing reaches new heights.<br>
<br>
JUDGE: ...and sold at auction.<br>
<br>
KRAMER: Well, don't you worry, your honour. He's in my custody.<br>
<br>
The judge peers at Kramer. She does not look impressed by this statement.<br>
<br>
[Hair Team For Men]<br>
<br>
George, Jerry and a Salesman, wearing a substandard toupee, are
in a fitting<br>
room (?). George is sitting before a mirror, trying on a wig, assisted
by the<br>
salesman, while Jerry looks on.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (to Jerry) Well, what d'you think?<br>
<br>
JERRY: (unimpressed) I, really can't say.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: No, say. I want you to say.<br>
<br>
JERRY: It's not good, okay. It's not good. You look (searches for
word) stupid.<br>
(to salesman) I'm sorry.<br>
<br>
SALESMAN: You have to realise this has not been custom-fitted to
his scalp.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (examining reflection) I really think this looks pretty
good.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami
Beach and get<br>
the whole thing over with?<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (to salesman) Well, maybe you could show me something else.<br>
<br>
SALESMAN: As I said, it'll be different once we design something
specifically<br>
for you. But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.<br>
<br>
JERRY: Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the only one being helpful!<br>
<br>
SALESMAN: (getting annoyed) No, I don't think you're being helpful!
I think<br>
you're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your
friend here to<br>
improve his life!<br>
<br>
JERRY: Hey! I'm trying to prevent my friend from becoming one of
those guys<br>
people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous!
No offence to<br>
you personally!<br>
<br>
SALESMAN: (angry) All you people with hair think you're so damn
superior! You<br>
have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom of
your tub and<br>
see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with that?!
(looks ready<br>
to punch Jerry)<br>
<br>
JERRY: All right! Take it easy! Take it easy.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (leaps to feet) Jerry!<br>
<br>
JERRY: I'm sorry.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Please. (sits again)<br>
<br>
The door opens and Gary enters. He's humming to himself.<br>
<br>
GARY: Hey Jerry, th... (spots George) George, you decided to get
a rug! Good for<br>
you, Jack!<br>
<br>
GEORGE: Well, I'm, I'm just looking.<br>
<br>
GARY: Oh. (to salesman) Uh, Tommy, I'm gonna need a little adjustment.<br>
<br>
SALESMAN: I'll be right with you.<br>
<br>
The salesman/Tommy leaves.<br>
<br>
GARY: Listen, George, I got some bad news. I'm not gonna be able
to give you<br>
that parking space.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: What?<br>
<br>
JERRY: What?<br>
<br>
GARY: This judge has to use it for some scofflaw. And you know you
can't fight<br>
City Hall.<br>
<br>
Jerry gives a questioning look to George, who responds with a 'go
ahead'<br>
expression.<br>
<br>
JERRY: You know, Gary (slams shut the door) I had a little chat
with George the<br>
other day...<br>
<br>
GARY: (to George) You didn't?!<br>
<br>
GEORGE: (admiring himself in mirror) I did.<br>
<br>
JERRY: (advancing on Gary) ...and he told me that that... (becomes
indistinct)<br>
<br>
We see George continuing to admire himself as, off-camera, Gary
and Jerry are<br>
heard struggling for possession of Gary's wig.<br>
<br>
GARY: (indistinct) I'm not a hundred percent recovered yet!<br>
<br>
JERRY: Gimme that thing!<br>
<br>
[Monk's]<br>
<br>
Typical number of customers. George enters, wearing his new toupee.
One or two<br>
of the staff give him a glance. He looks around, and taps the counter
by the<br>
cash register. A beautiful brunette sitting at the nearest table
give him an<br>
admiring look.<br>
<br>
GEORGE: How's your life? All right?<br>
<br>
WOMAN: Yeah, not bad at all.<br>
<br>
She pushes the chair opposite her out from the table in an invitation
for George<br>
to sit down. George looks pleasantly surprised by the beneficial
effects of his<br>
hairpiece.<br>
<br>
[Press conference]<br>
<br>
Mr Lippman and Jake Jarmel are on a small stage with a lectern.
In front of it<br>
<!-- BeginAd06 --><!-- EndAd -->
are a group of reporters and, amongst them sits Elaine.<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: (at lectern) And now, uh, ladies and gentlemen of the press,
it is my<br>
pleasure to introduce you to Mr Jake Jarmel. (he applauds Jake as
he vacates the<br>
lectern in his favour)<br>
<br>
There is a brief ripple of applause as Jake steps up to take questions.<br>
<br>
REPORTER: So Jake, what's your percentage on this book?<br>
<br>
Several of the reporters laugh, as does Jake. Mr Lippman steps back
to the<br>
lectern. He has some notes, and is extracting his glasses from his
pocket.<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: Oh, actually I, uh, I have some very interesting information
on that.<br>
(puts on glasses) You know, uh, this is a co-venture and as...<br>
<br>
JAKE: (notices glasses) Where did you get those?<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: ... as such, it...<br>
<br>
JAKE: Those glasses, where did you get those glasses?<br>
<br>
LIPPMAN: (confused) Where... what?<br>
<br>
JAKE: (to Elaine) Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke on
me? Because it's<br>
not very funny. (to the nonplussed Lippman) Give me those! (yelling)
I want the<br>
glasses! Give me those!<br>
<br>
He tries to pull them from Lippman's face, and a struggle ensues.
Jake can be<br>
heard demanding the glasses. The reporters endeavour to get a view
of the noisy<br>
fracas. Elaine rises and begins to make her way toward the exit.
She is<br>
apologetic to her neighbour.<br>
<br>
ELAINE: (mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible) look for some socks.<br>
<br>
[END]<br>
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}
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