1081 lines
45 KiB
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1081 lines
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<h1>The Shoes</h1>
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<p align="center"><br>
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Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Feb. 7, 2003<br>
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Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site <br>
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<small>(Permission is given to copy scripts to other sites provided credits
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as two lines above are included - Thanks)</small></p>
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<p><br>
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SEINFELD Episode no. 56 "The Shoes" (Original air date 4 Feb
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1993)<br>
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<br>
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Directed by Tom Cherones. Written by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld.<br>
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<br>
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Guest stars: Bob Balaban (Russell)<br>
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Gina Hecht (Dana)<br>
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Anita Barone (Gail)<br>
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Denise Richards (Molly)<br>
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Michael Ornstein (Waiter)<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Jerry's opening monologue: The basic problem with the beginning of the
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relationship, I think, is that each person has their own sexual time-table
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of what should happen when, that the other person knows nothing about.
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That's why I really think we need some sort of sexual rulebook, where
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it's written down and agreed upon - sexual, standard, dating procedure.
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Know what I mean? So if there's any problems, you can go, <takes a
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small booklet out of his inside pocket> "Look, honey, I'm very
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sorry, but we've been out three times, and according to Article 7, Section
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5, there's got to be some physical contact, as you can see." <Gestures
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to the booklet.> "Otherwise, I will report you to the board, and
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they can put out a warrant for an embrace."<br>
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<br>
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<br>
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Commercial break.<br>
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<br>
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Opening scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment, working on the
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script for the "Jerry" pilot episode.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE (writing on a notepad): Wait a second, wait a second...and then
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the butler says, "I'm not cleanin' it up! I'm sick of cleaning!"<br>
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<br>
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JERRY (copying it down and grinning): That's funny, that's funny! "I'm
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|
sick of cleaning." That's very funny.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE (laughing): I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah, it's funny!<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: I mean, how funny is this?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY (low voice): It's funny.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: I mean, we're not stupid, right? We know when something's funny!<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: It cannot not be funny! Now come on, let's stay with it, we gotta
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finish this today.<br>
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|
<br>
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GEORGE: Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should give it to my therapist
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|
to read. She's smart, I trust her.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GEORGE: Hey, you know, we haven't brought the Elaine character into the
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show yet. We should try and get her into this scene.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Right, right. Okay. <Writing> Elaine enters. <Thinks>
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What does she say...?<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE (thinking): I don't know, what do women say?<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: I don't know.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's going to be so many people
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|
to keep track of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's
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standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Alright, forget Elaine.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Alright. <They tear the pages out of their notepads. Kramer
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enters.><br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Hey.<br>
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<br>
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GEORGE: Hey.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Hey.<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER (to Jerry): You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Who?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Your old flame. Gail Cunningham.<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: Did you talk to her?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: Well, I was on my way to the Y, and I saw her coming towards me?
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|
I didn't know what to do! Because I remembered you had three dates with
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|
her and she wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now I'm thinking, what is
|
|
my duty to my friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I ignore her? I mean, what
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|
is my responsibility here?<br>
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|
<br>
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JERRY: So what happened?<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes, <imitates Gail>
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"Oh, hi! Kramer!" You know? Like nothing happened! Like she
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never went three dates with you and refused to kiss you goodnight.<br>
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<br>
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JERRY: Yeah, I know about the three dates.<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: You know what I did? I snubbed her. <br>
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<br>
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JERRY: What do you mean, you snubbed her?<br>
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<br>
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KRAMER: I walked right by her - bffffft - never said a word.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY (smiling): Right by her?<br>
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|
<br>
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KRAMER: Right by her! <br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY (to George, hugs Kramer happily): What you do say about a guy like
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|
this, huh! <George applauds.> You are some great friend, I tell
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|
ya, snubbed her! <seriously> Not that I condone it. I've never condoned
|
|
snubbing in my administration. Your loyalty is beyond question. <br>
|
|
<br>
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|
KRAMER: Yeah. Well, you know, she was lucky I was in a good mood - coulda
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|
been a lot worse.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and Elaine at the coffee shop. Jerry is showing her
|
|
the script.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE (throws the script at Jerry): I'm not even in here!<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Yeah, I know. <br>
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|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: I thought there was going to be a character named Elaine Benes.
|
|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Well, there were too many people in the room, we couldn't keep
|
|
track of everybody. George, and the butler, and...<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: You couldn't "keep track" of everybody?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't know how to, uh...<confessing>
|
|
...we couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even
|
|
right now, I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something, I have
|
|
no idea what it is. <br>
|
|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: You have no idea?<br>
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|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Something derogatory? <Gail enters the coffee shop and walks
|
|
over to the booth.><br>
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|
<br>
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|
GAIL (to Jerry): I thought I'd find you here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Well, Gail Cunningham.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hi, Gail.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: Hi, Elaine. <To Jerry> Hey, what is with your friend Kramer?
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Why?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: He snubbed me. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Are you sure?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Nothing. <Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich and is about to take
|
|
a bite.> Hey, where you goin' with that? Gimme that. <Takes back
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|
the sandwich.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I thought you were finished.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I took two bites, how am I finished? <Elaine coughs.> Plus
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
you're coming down with something? You want me to get sick? <Offers
|
|
Gail the sandwich> Bite?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: So, how come? Why did Kramer do that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't know. Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: Well, tell him that I am mad at him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Alright. So, where ya cookin' now?<br>
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|
<br>
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|
GAIL: Pfeiffer's.<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: Ah, the power lunch crowd.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL (to Elaine): Nice shoes! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh. Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: Where'd you get 'em?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (modest): They're um, Botticelli's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL (impressed): Ooh, Botticelli's! Look at you! I'm afraid to go in
|
|
there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Really.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Would you care to join us?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: No, no, I gotta get to the restaurant. <Looks at her watch.>
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|
Oh! See ya. <Exits.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: See ya.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (irritated, imitates Gail): "Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's."
|
|
<br>
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|
<br>
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|
JERRY: That bothered you?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's,
|
|
I'm not allowed to shop there? That really embarrassed me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It did?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
ELAINE: Yes! Couldn't you see that?<br>
|
|
<br>
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|
JERRY (thinks): No. This is why you're not in the pilot.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - George in a session with Dana, his therapist.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA: Well, George, I think you're beginning to get some perspective on
|
|
things. I think we're making progress.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah, I feel like I've grown.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA: Good. So, let's pick up on this next week.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Great. <They both stand.> Oh, by the way, did you get a
|
|
chance to read the script?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA: Yes, yes I did.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (beaming): Well, what'd you think?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA (unenthusiastic): Uh...it was...good.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You didn't like it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA: Well, no, I - <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: I can't believe this! What was wrong with it? What didn't you
|
|
like about it?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA: It wasn't funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: It wasn't funny? What, are you kidding?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA: No, I didn't find it funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You didn't find it funny?! This is what I'm paying for?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA: Well, that whole storyline about a guy who gets into a car accident,
|
|
doesn't have any insurance, so the judge sentences him to be a butler?
|
|
I didn't really buy that.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Let me tell you who did, uh, buy it...we pitched this story to
|
|
Russell Dalrymple, the president of NBC, and he ate it up with a spoon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA: George, if you're going to be in a creative field, you're going
|
|
to have to learn how to deal with criticism.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: How's this for criticism? Um...you stink. How do like that criticism?
|
|
You know what's funny to me? That diploma up on the wall. That is my idea
|
|
of "com-med-dee"! You sitting here, telling people what to do.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
DANA: I think you'd better go.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, I'm goin' baby. I'm goin.' <Heads for the door, then stops.>
|
|
It's Jerry's fault. He took out all my good lines. He's such a control
|
|
freak!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment. They're both standing
|
|
by the door. Elaine enters.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (immediately, to Elaine): So, you send me to this therapist to
|
|
help me with my emotional disorders, and she criticizes our script. <Tosses
|
|
the script to Jerry.> What kind of a therapist is that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I guess she didn't think it was funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What is she, Rowan & Martin?
|
|
We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely shattered my
|
|
confidence. And I'm paying for this, she's my employee! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I thought your mother's paying for it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: And she slaves to earn every penny. So that someday, I might be
|
|
able to walk up to a woman and say, "Yes, I'm bald, but I'm still
|
|
a good person."<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (to Elaine): You know, he's right. It's not her place to criticize
|
|
the script, which reminds me - what did you think of it? You never told
|
|
me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What did I think of it? <Manufactures a cough instead of answering.
|
|
Kramer enters.> <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (to Jerry): Hey, buddy, I got something to tell ya. <Elaine
|
|
runs towards to the bathroom in lieu of answering Jerry's question.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (catches Elaine): Hey, one second, you don't get off that easy.
|
|
C'mon, tell me what you thought.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, you know, I...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: I just kissed Gail Cunningham. <Jerry turns and looks at Kramer,
|
|
shocked. Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yeah, I kissed her.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You kissed her?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Right on the mouth.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to
|
|
kissing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she
|
|
started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little
|
|
bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my
|
|
arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one!
|
|
<Laughs.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: And what did she do?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: She kissed me back.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't
|
|
want to shake my hand - why's she kissing you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (realizing): Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that!
|
|
Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No they don't. I tried that once. I snubbed for a year. Nothing.
|
|
Every woman I saw, I snubbed. You never saw people so pleased. <Elaine
|
|
returns from the bathroom.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (to Elaine): Ooh, so...I understand you're buying new shoes now
|
|
at Botticelli's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What? Who told you that?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Gail Cunningham.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: I don't understand, why is this woman talking about my shoes?
|
|
Why are my shoes a topic of conversation?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Well, you know, we were just talking, and she mentioned how you're
|
|
buying your shoes now at Botticelli's.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (angrily): "How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!"
|
|
Did you hear this? <Shoves Jerry and Kramer.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: So what?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: So what?! She is talking about my shoes! She is discussing my
|
|
shoes! It is nobody's business where I buy my shoes! <Storms over to
|
|
the couch and angrily sits down. Jerry, Kramer and George look at Elaine
|
|
from the kitchen, comically puzzled by her outburst...><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Gail cooking in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's Restaurant. Elaine
|
|
marches in.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Hey! Gail!<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: Elaine...!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Why are you talking about my shoes?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: What are you talking about?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Did you or did you not tell Kramer that I got my shoes at Botticelli's?
|
|
<A waiter comes over and puts a plate of food on Gail's cutting board.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WAITER: Too spicy. He wants another one. You got that pasta primavera?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: Look Elaine, I am very busy here.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Who else have you mentioned my shoes to, huh? I wanna know why
|
|
my footwear is your conversation!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: I am not discussing this. This is insane.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WAITER: You got that pasta primavera? Let's go! <Gail passes the plate
|
|
to the waiter in front of Elaine. Elaine sneezes on it. The waiter brings
|
|
the pasta to the dining room and serves it to Russell Dalrymple, the president
|
|
of NBC.> Here you are, Mr. Dalrymple.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Thank you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
WAITER: Sorry for the delay. Enjoy your lunch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and George arrive at Dalrymple's apartment to discuss
|
|
the script.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL (opening the door): Well, come in. <They shake hands.> Awfully
|
|
sorry to make you come up here, but I really wasn't feeling well enough
|
|
to go back to the office, and well, it's the only chance I have to meet
|
|
with you this week.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Are you alright?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Well, it's my stomach. I think there must have been something
|
|
in the pasta primavera I had for lunch.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Where did you eat?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Pfeiffer's. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah. I know the chef there.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Yeah. The food's usually terrific.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: My cousin worked for Bouchard's. They used to use the bouilla-base
|
|
for a toilet. <Jerry and Russell are shocked.> <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: What are you saying?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, you didn't hear it from me, but needless to say, if you
|
|
go in there - stick with the consumee.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Well, we'd better get started, my daughter's going to be here
|
|
soon.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Oh, you have a daughter?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Yeah, she just turned fifteen last week.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Aw, that's a fun age. <Jerry looks at George distastefully.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Alright. The script. Now, I've read this thing three times...and
|
|
everytime I read it...<looks nauseous, struggles not to vomit.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Excuse me for a second. <Gets up and runs to the bathroom.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet...! <Russell
|
|
goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.> (To Jerry) Do you think
|
|
he liked it? <From the bathroom, we hear Russell violently heaving
|
|
his guts.> <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm not sure. <The sounds of Russell vomiting emanate from the
|
|
bathroom. Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.> What was that
|
|
dish he said he had...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Pasta primavera.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian for 'spring.' <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: No!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL (coming out of the bathroom): Really, I'm terribly sorry, it just,
|
|
uh...all of a sudden it just hit me.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So, you were saying how, um...about the script...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Right. The script. Your script needs some...it needs, um...<looks
|
|
nauseous again. Gets up and runs to the bathroom a second time.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: More jokes?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Another ending?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: A different name for the butler? <Russell throws up again.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Maybe we should go. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: We haven't heard his notes yet, we don't know how he feels about
|
|
our work. <Russell throws up yet again.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL (from bathroom): Oh God. Oh my god. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I can't listen to anymore of this, the guy's losing a lung in there.
|
|
<Russell's daughter Molly enters.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MOLLY: Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hi.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MOLLY: I'm Molly.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'm Jerry.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: George. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: We're here discussing our script with your father. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: He just read it. <Russell vomits again. Jerry and George look
|
|
ashamed.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MOLLY: Daddy? Are you okay? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL (from bathroom): Yeah, sweetie. I'm fine. <Molly sits on the
|
|
back of the chair.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: So, you live with your mother, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MOLLY: Uh, yeah.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (to Jerry): Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of
|
|
course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never
|
|
know. <Russell comes out of the bathroom.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MOLLY: Daddy, are you alright? What's the matter?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: It's just a stomach thing.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
MOLLY: Yuck. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL (to Jerry and George): We're going to have to do this some other
|
|
time, so if you'll give me your number, I'll call you later. <Jerry
|
|
and George nod. Molly takes her jacket off.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: You know, suddenly I'm in the mood for pasta primavera myself.
|
|
<Jerry nudges George to sneak a peek at Molly's cleavage as she bends
|
|
over and looks in her backpack. Jerry has a quick look, but George stares,
|
|
hypnotized. Russell comes up behind George.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL (angrily): Get a good look, Costanza?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry and George in Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What were you doing?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, it's not my fault. You poked me! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like
|
|
you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the
|
|
Empire State Building.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: It's cleavage. I couldn't look away. What am I, waiting to win
|
|
an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare
|
|
at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage peek, so big deal. Who
|
|
wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage? She's got nice cleavage.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: That's why I poked.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: That's why I peeked. <Jerry opens the door to take some trash
|
|
out, and meets Kramer and Gail in the hallway.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: Hey! What is with your friend Elaine?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen, and starts
|
|
complaining that I'm talking about her shoes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Right in the kitchen. Disgraceful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
GAIL: I don't want people coming into my kitchen. I think she might have
|
|
sneezed all over someone's pasta primavera. Someone might have gotten
|
|
sick because of her. <Kramer and Gail exit.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Pasta primavera?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Is that what she said? <Kramer pokes his head back in the door.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (to Jerry): She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one. She's wearin'
|
|
me out.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: She is?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking and all. <Kramer
|
|
grins happily at Jerry and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses the trashbag
|
|
to George.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hello? Oh, hi Stu.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (lazily swinging the garbage bag around): From NBC?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Yeah. What's goin' on? What? Really? Oh my god....did he give you
|
|
a reason?...Oh boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. <hangs up.> Dalrymple
|
|
just cancelled the pilot. <George drops the bag, shocked.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine in Jerry's apartment.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY (to Elaine): If you hadn't gone into her restaurant, this never
|
|
would have happened.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Look, I don't like people talking about my shoes behind my back,
|
|
okay? My shoes are my business. The two of you shouldn't have been looking
|
|
at some fifteen year-old's cleavage anyway!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: He poked me!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex - <mimics nudging
|
|
someone with an elbow> - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: But she was fifteen.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on
|
|
a molecular level, you can't control it! We're like some kind of weird
|
|
fish where the eyes operate independently of the head.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Alright, what's the difference. What are we gonna do now? He won't
|
|
take our calls, we can't get into his office...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You know what we could do? He eats at that restaurant, Pfeiffer's?
|
|
We could have Gail call us, tell us the next time he's there, go there
|
|
and talk to him.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Hey, now you're onto something.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The whole thing is so stupid. Like he wouldn't do the same thing
|
|
if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine, but...somebody like Gail, though.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What? What do you mean, Gail? <Kramer enters.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Yah-hey.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor. The next
|
|
time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask her if she would call
|
|
me. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Alright, I'll call her right now. <Kramer goes back to his
|
|
apartment.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (to George): What do you mean, Gail? You don't think I can attract
|
|
attention? You don't think I can put asses in the seats?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all. But let's face it...
|
|
<Kramer comes back.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: She said she'll do it.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Beautiful.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER (points at Elaine's feet): But she wants the shoes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: What?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: She says she wants those shoes.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: She wants my shoes? What kind of person is this? Alright! She
|
|
is not getting 'em!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No, come on! I'll buy you another pair!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, these were the last pair of these that they had! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I'll get you another one just like it!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: No, but these were the only really cool ones like this! Don't
|
|
you see how everybody likes 'em and how everybody talks about 'em? <Jerry,
|
|
realizing Elaine's motivation, sits at the counter unbelievingly.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (to Elaine, in a somber tone): Elaine, this pilot...it doesn't
|
|
matter to me, it's not me I'm concerned about...it's my mother. I've been
|
|
over to the hospital to see her...<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh yeah, because she caught you jer -<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Never mind! <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Oh, come on, wait a second, this whole thing is ridiculous. How
|
|
do I even know she wears the same size?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Alright, what size are you?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Seven-and-a-half.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
KRAMER: Eh! Bingo.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Gail in the kitchen at Pfeiffer's. She notices Dalrymple being
|
|
shown to his table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL (hands a plate to another chef): Sauce this. <Goes to the telephone
|
|
and dials.> Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one more thing...bring the shoes.
|
|
<Hangs up.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Continuation of last scene - Russell eating at the restaurant. Jerry and
|
|
George arrive. Jerry hands the shoes to Gail, and they walk over to Russell's
|
|
table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Hey! Whattaya know!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Look who's here!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Fancy meeting you here!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Oh. Hello.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE (notices Russell's lunch): Pasta primavera! Back on the horse.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: You know, it's a funny thing, because after the pilot got cancelled,
|
|
we hadn't heard from you.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Didn't hear anything... <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Didn't know...we were wondering...what happened.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: It just didn't seem to be the right project for us right now.
|
|
<Elaine walks by in a low-cut dress. Jerry and George look at her as
|
|
she moves to the table opposite Russell.> So, what were you saying?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you
|
|
perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue
|
|
with that. I did not leer. <To Jerry> Did I leer?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: No leer. <Elaine comes over to Russell's table.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (to Russell): Excuse me, are you using that ketchup?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL (not noticing Elaine's cleavage): Uh, no. <Elaine takes the
|
|
ketchup and goes back to her table.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Because, if I'm looking straight ahead, and something enters my
|
|
field of vision, that's merely a happenstance. <Elaine loudly snaps
|
|
and unfolds her napkin at the next table to get Russell's attention.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: Under the circumstances, I don't really feel that we should be
|
|
in business together. <Elaine comes back over.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Here's your ketchup back. You know, I had the hardest time trying
|
|
to get some out. I mean, I just kept pounding and pounding on the bottom
|
|
of it. Do you have any trouble?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL (still not noticing Elaine's cleavage): No.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE (leaning forward): Do you have a...ketchup secret?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL: No, I... <finally notices Elaine>...don't have a ketchup
|
|
secret. <Smiles.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
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ELAINE (flirtatiously): Because if you do have a ketchup secret, I would
|
|
really, really like to know what it is. <Russell is pleased, and smiles
|
|
at Elaine. Elaine goes back to her table, sits down, and waves at Russell.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
RUSSELL (to Jerry and George, reconsidering about the pilot): Field of
|
|
vision, huh?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
Commercial break.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
New scene - Jerry, George and Elaine having dinner at Pfeiffer's. Gail
|
|
comes over to the table.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: How's everything? <br>
|
|
<br>
|
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ELAINE: Mmmm.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Really good.<br>
|
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<br>
|
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<!-- BeginAd04 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
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GEORGE: This pasta primavera is fabulous.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
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JERRY: Very tasty.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GAIL: How'd everything go with that NBC guy?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Great. <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's going out with him tomorrow
|
|
night. <Gail nods and walks away.> Listen, Elaine, if Russell mentions
|
|
anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked
|
|
it...?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and,
|
|
uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing
|
|
a...a low-cut dress. And the butler is very distracted, and can't work.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little broad for us.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, I'm sure it's right up Russell's alley.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Well, it's a funny idea.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: It's funny!<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: C'mon, funny is funny.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: Funny is funny, we're here to entertain, right?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: If you can.<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
GEORGE: Yeah. Where's he taking you, by the way?<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
ELAINE: Bouchard's, on 53rd. <George starts choking on his wine, and
|
|
attempts to tell Elaine something.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
JERRY: I think what he's trying to say is, "get the bouilla-base."
|
|
<George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.><br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
End of episode.</p>
|
|
|
|
<p><br>
|
|
Originally posted on The News Guys(Mike's) site
|
|
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