760 lines
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760 lines
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<h1>The Sponge</h1>
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Originally posted on The News Guy(Mike's) site: <br>
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</p>
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<p>Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 11, 2002.</p>
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<p><b><u>SEINFELD</u> Episode no. 119 "The Sponge" (Original air
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date 7 Dec 1995)</b></p>
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<p>Directed by Andy Ackerman. Written by Peter Mehlman.</p>
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<p>Guest stars: <br>
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Heidi Swedberg (Susan)<br>
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Jennifer Guthrie (Lena)<br>
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Scott Patterson (Billy)<br>
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John Paragon (Cedric)<br>
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Yul Vazquez (Bob)<br>
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David Byrd (Pharmacist)<br>
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Ileen Getz (Organizer)<br>
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Steven Hack (Walker #1)<br>
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P.B. Hutton (Walker #2)<br>
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Wren T. Brown (Walker #3)<br>
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Susan Moore (Monica)</p>
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<p><i>Jerry's stand-up: </i>I have a friend, wears eye glasses, no prescription
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in the glasses because he thinks it makes him look more intelligent, now
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why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it
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from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that this
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person supposedly blew out their eyeballs, and that's why they need the
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glasses? It's just a corrective device. If you see someone with a hearing
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aid, you don't think, 'Oh, they must have been listening real good...yeah,
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to a lot of important stuff...' No, they are <i>deaf</i>. They can't hear.</p>
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<p><i>Opening scene - Jerry and Elaine in a booth at Monk's. Kramer comes
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over from the counter with a clipboard in his hand.</i></p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, boys and girls. I need you both to sponsor me in the AIDS
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walk.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Is that tomorrow?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, so...git-git...<gestures to Elaine to sign the
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form.></p>
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<p>ELAINE (signing): Well, I admire you for joining the fight against AIDS.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Well, if I didn't do something I wouldn't be able to live with
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myself.</p>
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<p>JERRY (signing): It's hard enough living next door.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I tell ya, there's some people, they just wear a ribbon and they
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think they're doin' something? Not me. I talk the talk, and I walk the
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walk, baby. <gets up> I'll be right back.</p>
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<p><Jerry stands up and gets a bottle of ketchup from the next table.></p>
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<p>ELAINE: New jeans?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Still a 31 waist?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yep. Since college. <Looks at Kramer's AIDS walk list.>
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Hey, Lena Small's on this list.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Lena Small?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for a date, she was unlisted...and
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now here's her number.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone number off an AIDS charity
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list!</p>
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<p>JERRY (copying down the number): Elaine, you should admire me...I'm aspiring
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to date a giving person.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You're a taking person.</p>
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<p>JERRY: That's why I should date a giving person. If I date a taking person,
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everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving - it's bedlam.</p>
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<p>ELAINE (warns): She's gonna ask how you got her number.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who knew her and he gave it to
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me.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What's he look like?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I really didn't pay much attention, I'd just come from buying
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a speedboat.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You're buying a speedboat?</p>
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<p>JERRY: See, we're already off the subject of how I got her number. <Elaine
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laughs.> All I gotta do is get past the first phone call and I'm home
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free.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't know about that.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So if Billy had gotten your number off the AIDS walk list, you
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wouldn't have gone out with him?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well...</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah. So you really like this guy.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Very much.</p>
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<p>JERRY: How's the...sexual chemistry?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Haven't been in the lab yet. But I am birth control shopping
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today. <Kramer overhears as he returns to the booth.></p>
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<p>KRAMER: Are you still on the pill?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Uh, Kramer...</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I'll tell ya, I think birth control should be discussed in an
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open forum. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: The sponge, o.k.? The Today sponge.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: But wasn't that taken off the market?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Off the market? The sponge? No, no...no way. Everybody loves
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the sponge.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: I read it in <i>Wall Street Week</i>...Louis, uh, Rukeyser.</p>
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<p><Elaine laughs.></p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry on the phone in his apartment.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Hello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. How did I get your number?
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I met a guy that knows you, he gave it to me...I don't remember his name.
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Think it began with a W, maybe a Q. I wasn't paying that much attention,
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I'd just come from shopping for a speedboat...</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p><i>New scene - George and Susan in George's car.</i></p>
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<p>SUSAN: You know, I really like those new jeans Jerry was wearing. He's
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really thin.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Not as thin as you think.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Why? He's a 31. I saw the tag on the back.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: The tag, huh?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Mmm-hmm.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Let me tell you something about that tag. It's no 31, and uh...let's
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just leave it at that.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: What are you talking about?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: He scratches off a 32 and he puts in 31.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Oh, how could he be so vain?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that only I know. I can't believe
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I just told you that.</p>
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<p>SUSAN (laughing): Why not?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Well, it's alright, I'm your fiance. Everyone assumes you'll tell
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me everything.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Where did you get that from?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Well, we're a couple. It's understood.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I never heard of that.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Well, you've never been a couple.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I've coupled! I've coupled! </p>
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<p>SUSAN: Keeping secrets! This is just like your secret bank code.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: This is totally different! That was my secret, this is Jerry's
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secret! There's...there's attorney-client priveleges here! If I play it
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by your rule, no one'll ever confide in me again, I'll be cut out of the
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loop!</p>
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<p><i>New scene - George arrives at Jerry's apartment.</i></p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey. What's the matter?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I had a fight with Susan.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What about?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh...<is about to tell Jerry, but reconsiders> ...clothing,
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something, I dunno. So, uh, what are you doing today?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I got a date with that girl, Lena.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Lena, how'd you meet her?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I actually met her a few weeks ago, but... <Jerry stops, and
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mentally visualizes George telling Susan about how Jerry got Lena's number
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from the AIDS list...then Susan passing the information along to Monica
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on the phone at work.></p>
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<p>GEORGE: You met her a few weeks ago, but...?</p>
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<p>JERRY (slowly): I didn't call her till today.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So, uh...wanna double?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, I just had a fight - I need a group dynamic.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I dunno. <Elaine enters.> Hey.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, Kramer was right. My friend Kim told me the sponge is off
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the market.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So what are you gonna do?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna do a hard-target
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search. Of every drug store, general store, health store and grocery store
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in a 25-block radius.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Just for these sponges?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey man, women are really loyal to their birth control methods.
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What does Susan use?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I dunno.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You don't know?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I, uh...figure it's something. <Kramer enters.></p>
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<p>JERRY: What are you all out of breath from?</p>
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<p>KRAMER (panting): The elevator just broke. I had to walk up five flights.</p>
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<p>JERRY: And you got the AIDS walk tomorrow. You're never gonna make it,
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you're in horrible shape.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey, I'm in tip-top shape. Better than you!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I got a 31 waist, mister!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Yeah, well I'm walking for charity, what are you doing?</p>
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<p>JERRY (proudly): What am I doing? I'm...dating a woman who happens to
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be sponsoring one of these walkers.</p>
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<p><i>New scene - a musical montage of Elaine's "hard-target search"
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- visiting stores and pharmacies all over town and not finding a sponge
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anywhere. She ends up at the Pasteur Pharmacy.</i></p>
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<p>PHARMACIST: Can I help you?</p>
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<p>ELAINE (with little hope): Yeah, do you have any Today sponges? I know
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they're off the market, but...</p>
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<p>PHARMACIST: Actually, we have a case left.</p>
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<p>ELAINE (excited): A case! A case of sponges? I mean, uh...a case. Huh.
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Uh...how many come in a case?</p>
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<p>PHARMACIST: Sixty.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Sixty?! Uh...well, I'll take three.</p>
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<p>PHARMACIST: Three. </p>
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<p>ELAINE: Make it ten.</p>
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<p>PHARMACIST: Ten?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Twenty sponges should be plenty.</p>
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<p>PHARMACIST: Did you say twenty?</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah, twenty-five sponges is just fine.</p>
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<p>PHARMACIST: Right. So, you're set with twenty-five.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah. Just give me the whole case and I'll be on my way.</p>
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<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Lena having dinner in a restaurant with George
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and Susan.</i></p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, I have found the best-smelling detergent. Lena, smell my
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shirt.</p>
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<p>LENA (smells Jerry's arm): Mmm! Very nice.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's All-Tempa-Cheer.</p>
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<p>LENA: I use Planet. It's bio-degradable and doesn't pollute the oceans.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yeah, the oceans really are getting very sudsy.</p>
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<p>LENA (to waiter): Can you wrap up all the left-overs on the table, please?
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I always take the left-overs. I work in a soup kitchen every morning at
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6 a.m. </p>
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<p>JERRY: They serve soup at 6 a.m.? </p>
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<p>LENA: Yeah. That's all they have.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Do the bums ever complain? "Soup again?"</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'd get tired of it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: How could you not?</p>
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<p>LENA: Guess who volunteered last week? </p>
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<p>GEORGE: Mick Jagger.</p>
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<p>LENA: No. Maya Angelou.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Oh, the poet!</p>
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<p>JERRY (to Lena): So, let me ask you something - these people eat soup
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three times a day? </p>
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<p>LENA: I don't know.</p>
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<p>SUSAN (to Lena): So, did you get to talk to her?</p>
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<p>LENA: Talk to who?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Is it a lot of cream soups?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Maya Angelou, the poet.</p>
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<p>LENA: No, I didn't get the chance.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, well, I'm sure you can reach her...she's a poet. What does
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a poet need an unlisted number for?</p>
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<p><Jerry gives George a surprised look. George looks back, puzzled.></p>
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<p>SUSAN: I'm going to the ladies room.</p>
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<p>LENA: I'll go with you. <They leave.></p>
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<p>GEORGE: What are you looking at me like that for?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Why'd you have to mention 'unlisted number'?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What are you talking about?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Alright, I gotta tell you something, but you cannot tell Susan.</p>
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<p><George's interest is peaked.></p>
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<p><i>New scene - George and Susan in the car on the way home.</i></p>
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<p>SUSAN: Jerry got her phone number off of an AIDS walk list? Oh, that's
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awful!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I know, but don't say anything to anyone. He told me not to tell
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you.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: But you told me anyway?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said before, and...you're
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right, I've never really been a couple, so...if that's the rule, then
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I'm gonna go by the rule.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Thank you, honey.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So, you wanna go home and...make up, officially?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: Can we stop by a drug store first?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What for?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: I'm out of birth control stuff.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Oh, o.k., yeah. Where am I gonna park here...? <Pulls over.></p>
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<p>SUSAN: Oh, don't park. I'll just sit in the car, you can run in.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Me run in? Why don't you run in?</p>
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<p>SUSAN: You don't know what I use for birth control, do you?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Of course I do.</p>
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<p>SUSAN: You do? What?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You know. You use the, uh...<mutters something unintelligible
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under his breath.></p>
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<p>SUSAN: The what?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You know, the uh...<mutters it again.></p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Just get me some sponges, please.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Wait, wait a minute...they don't have them anymore. I just found
|
|
out, they just took them off the market.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Off the market? The sponge?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, so you gotta use something else.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: I can't! I love the sponge! I need the sponge!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: O.k....<thinks> I think I know where we can get one.</p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry approaching his apartment door. He hears the sound
|
|
of a loud group of people from inside Kramer's place. He knocks on Kramer's
|
|
door. Kramer answers.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, what the hell is going on in there?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: It's a poker game...<yells to the crowd> And I'm kickin'
|
|
some serious butt!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk tomorrow!</p>
|
|
<p>VOICE FROM POKER GAME: Hey, Kramer - are you in?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, you gotta be kiddin'! You see those two ladies I got showin'?
|
|
Do they look scared?! </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're never gonna make it!</p>
|
|
<p><Kramer giggles and returns to the game.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Elaine and Billy in Elaine's apartment, kissing passionately
|
|
on the sofa.</i></p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: You, uh...you wanna go in the bedroom?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: O.k. Hold on just a second. <Gets up and heads to the bathroom.
|
|
George knocks at the door.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Elaine? It's me, George. <Elaine opens the door.> Hey,
|
|
sorry to bother you so late. <To Billy> Hey! How ya doin.' <To
|
|
Elaine> Uh, did you get any of those sponges?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah. Cleaned out the whole west side. Why?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well...Susan.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Ah, Susan uses the sponge.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Susan loves the sponge.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help you out.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I can't do it. No way, there's no how. <Tries to push George
|
|
out the door. George resists.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Elaine...let me just explain something to you. See, this is not
|
|
just a weekend routine...I'm on the verge of make-up sex here. You know
|
|
about make-up sex?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh yeah, I know all about make-up sex, and I'm really sorry.
|
|
<Shoves George into the hallway and closes the door. George blocks
|
|
the door with his foot.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately here?
|
|
Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between
|
|
you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so...make-up sex is
|
|
all that I have left.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'm <i>sure</i> you'll have another fight, George. <Stamps
|
|
on George's foot and closes the door.> (To Billy) Hold that thought!
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p><Elaine goes into the bathroom for a sponge, but then stops and reconsiders.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Susan talking on the phone with Monica.</i></p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: So, listen to this. But don't tell anyone - Jerry Seinfeld? He
|
|
got a woman's number off an AIDS walk list.</p>
|
|
<p><Cut to Monica at home talking on the phone with Susan.></p>
|
|
<p>MONICA: He got her number off an AIDS walk list?</p>
|
|
<p><Cut to Lena at home talking on the phone with Monica.></p>
|
|
<p>LENA: He <i>what?</i></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry and Lena in Jerry's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How'd you find out?</p>
|
|
<p>LENA: A friend of a friend of a friend of Susan's.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: George!</p>
|
|
<p>LENA: Pardon?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Nothing. Listen, I'm sorry, I just - </p>
|
|
<p>LENA: It's o.k.! There's nothing to be sorry about. I don't mind.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You don't mind that I got your number off the AIDS walk list?</p>
|
|
<p>LENA: No, not at all. No problem. <Jerry looks at Lena suspiciously.
|
|
Lena leaves with all of Kramer's poker buddies, who are filing out of
|
|
Kramer's apartment.></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ah, you're lucky you're walkin' out of here with a pair of pants
|
|
on!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You went all night?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (shows Jerry his winnings): Jerry, ah? Breakfast on me, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk in like,
|
|
three hours! You're never gonna make it!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: AIDS walk! That's a cake walk. <George enters.> Hey!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, George, guess what? Lena found out how I got her number.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Really? How'd she do that?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: A friend of a friend of Susan's.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: My Susan?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why'd you tell her?!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Because, Jerry, it's a couple rule! We have to tell each other
|
|
everything!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well you know what this means, don't you? </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<IMG SRC=http://tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 > <br>
|
|
<br>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're cut off, you're out of the loop!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry, don't cut me off!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You leave me no choice! You're the media now as far as I'm concerned!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: C'mon Jerry, please! It won't happen again.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: If you were in the mafia, would you tell her every time you killed
|
|
someone?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, a "hit" is a totally different story.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know, George.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So, Lena was upset, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know what? That was the amazing thing. </p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What, it didn't bother her?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, she said it was fine. There's something very strange about
|
|
this girl.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She's too good.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Too good...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about
|
|
the welfare of others - I can't be with someone like that!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I see what you mean.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with
|
|
someone you admire.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Where's the depravity?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No depravity! I mean, I look at her, I can't imagine she even
|
|
has sex. </p>
|
|
<p><Elaine enters.> </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY (using Elaine as an example): On the other hand...</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (to Elaine): Thanks again for last night!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Hey, I didn't even use one. </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I thought you said it was imminent.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really
|
|
sponge-worthy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Sponge-worthy?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these sponges.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But you like this guy, isn't that what the sponges are for?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yes, yes - before they went off the market. I mean, now I've
|
|
got to re-evaluate my whole screening process. I can't afford to waste
|
|
any of 'em.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You know, you're nuts with these sponges. George is gettin' frustrated!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kramer signing in at the AIDS walk.</i></p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (to organizer at desk): Uh, Cosmo Kramer?</p>
|
|
<p>ORGANIZER: Uh...o.k., you're checked in. Here's your AIDS ribbon.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh, no thanks.</p>
|
|
<p>ORGANIZER: You don't want to wear an AIDS ribbon?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>ORGANIZER: But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I have to?</p>
|
|
<p>ORGANIZER: Yes.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: See, that's why I don't want to. </p>
|
|
<p>ORGANIZER: But everyone wears the ribbon. You must wear the ribbon!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully. <Walks away.></p>
|
|
<p>ORGANIZER: Hey you! Come back here! Come back here and put this on!</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - George and Susan in a booth at the coffee shop.</i></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Elaine and her sponges...she's got like, a war chest full of
|
|
them.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well, I don't see why you just can't use condoms.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh, no, no...condoms are for single men. The day that we got
|
|
engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Just once...for the make-up sex.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Make-up sex? You have to have that right after the fight, we're
|
|
way past that.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Come on, just once?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, no...I hate the condom.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Why?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I can never get the package open in time.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Well, you just tear it open.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's not that easy. It's like "Beat The Clock," there's
|
|
a lot of pressure there.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kramer in the AIDS walk.</i></p>
|
|
<p>WALKER #1: Hey, where's your ribbon?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I don't wear the ribbon.</p>
|
|
<p>WALKER #2: Oh, you don't wear the ribbon? Aren't you against AIDS?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, I'm against AIDS. I mean, I'm walking, aren't I? I just
|
|
don't wear the ribbon.</p>
|
|
<p>WALKER #3: Who do you think you are?</p>
|
|
<p>WALKER #1: Put the ribbon on!</p>
|
|
<p>WALKER #2: Hey, Cedric! Bob! This guy won't wear a ribbon! <Cedric
|
|
and Bob turn around and glare at Kramer.></p>
|
|
<p>BOB: Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon? <Kramer is frightened.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Elaine and Billy in her apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So, you think you're sponge-worthy?</p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: Yes, I think I'm sponge-worthy. I think I'm very sponge-worthy.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Run down your case for me again...?</p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: Well, we've gone out several times, we obviously have a good rapport.
|
|
I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise.
|
|
Blood tests - immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite
|
|
good at it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You going to do something about your sideburns?</p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: Yeah, I told you...I'm going to trim my sideburns.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: And the bathroom in your apartment?</p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: Cleaned it this morning.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?</p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: Everything, yeah. It's spotless.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alright, let's go. <They head for the bedroom.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry arrives at Lena's apartment.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hi.</p>
|
|
<p>LENA: Hi! Hey, look at this - I just got a citation in the mail for my
|
|
work with shut-ins.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice. You know, they're a very eccentric
|
|
group. Because they're shut in. Of course, they're not locked in, they're
|
|
free to go at anytime.</p>
|
|
<p>LENA: Oh, by the way, I checked at the soup kitchen - they do have cream
|
|
soups.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, that's dynamite. You know, Lena, I wanted to talk to you
|
|
about something...you know, because you're such a good person - </p>
|
|
<p>LENA: Oh, hang onto that thought - I'm rinsing a sweater, I left the
|
|
water running. <Goes into the bathroom.> Hey, Jerry, can you get
|
|
me a towel out of my bedroom closet?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, o.k. <Goes to the closet for the towel and finds dozens
|
|
of boxes of Today sponges.> </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY'S brain: Oh my god! Look what's goin' on here! She is depraved!
|
|
<Grabs a towel and brings it to Lena.> There you are.</p>
|
|
<p>LENA: Thanks. So, you were saying...?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What? Nothing.</p>
|
|
<p>LENA: No, you said I was a good person...</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh...</p>
|
|
<p>LENA: You seem like you want to tell me something.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Tell you something...I do.</p>
|
|
<p>LENA: What is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, uh...you see these jeans I'm wearing? </p>
|
|
<p>LENA: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I change the 32 waist on the label to a 31 on all my jeans. So,
|
|
you know. That's it. <Lena is puzzled.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - George and Susan in bed. We see George's hands struggling
|
|
to open a condom wrapper.</i></p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Come on, George, just tear it open.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm trying, dammit. </p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Tear it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I tried to tear it from the side, you can't get a good grip here.
|
|
You gotta do it like a bag of chips.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Here give it to me.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Would you wait a second? Just wait? <They fight over it.></p>
|
|
<p>SUSAN: Give it to me. <She rips it open.> Come on. Come on!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE (tosses the condom aside): It's too late.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Kramer surrounded by Cedric, Bob, and the other walkers.</i></p>
|
|
<p>BOB: So! What's it going to be? Are you going to wear the ribbon?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER (nervously): No! Never.</p>
|
|
<p>BOB: But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing the ribbon. We are all
|
|
wearing the ribbon! So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon!?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: This is America! I don't have to wear anything I don't want to
|
|
wear!</p>
|
|
<p>CEDRIC: What are we gonna do with him?</p>
|
|
<p>BOB: I guess we are just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon!</p>
|
|
<p><Kramer tries to climb up a fire escape, but the mob grabs him and
|
|
pulls him back down. Kramer screams.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Jerry and George waiting for Kramer at the finish line.</i></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It completely turned her off.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, I can see that. What do you have to do that for? Who cares
|
|
about your pants size?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't wanna be a 32.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'd kill to be a 32.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She said I wasn't sponge-worthy. Wouldn't waste a sponge on me!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers
|
|
on those things so hard to open?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You never run out, do you? <Jerry smiles.> Where's Kramer?
|
|
Everything's finished here.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I told him he'd never make it. He was up all night! Oh my
|
|
god...Kramer?</p>
|
|
<p><They see Kramer staggering towards them with cuts and bruises, clothes
|
|
torn, one shoe off. He collapses and crawls across the finish line.></p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Look at you. I told you. Up all night playing poker. Come on.
|
|
<Jerry and George are about to leave. George turn's back and looks
|
|
at Kramer.></p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, where's you AIDS ribbon?</p>
|
|
<p><Kramer looks at George unbelievingly.></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p><i>Commercial break.</i></p>
|
|
<p><i>New scene - Elaine and Billy in bed the next morning.</i></p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (smiling): Good morning.</p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: How'd you sleep?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE (stretches): Great. You?</p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: Fine, fine. Everything o.k.?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yep. </p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: No regrets?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Nope. <Billy leans in to kiss her.> What are you doing?</p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: What do you mean?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh...I don't think so.</p>
|
|
<p>BILLY: Why not? I thought you said everything was fine.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of 'em. <Pats
|
|
Billy on the shoulder and gets out of bed.></p>
|
|
<p> <i>End of episode.</i></p>
|
|
<p>Originally posted on The News Guy(Mike's) site: </p>
|
|
<p> Transcribed by Brian Dickson on Nov. 11, 2002.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
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<p
|
|
align="center"> </p>
|
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
|
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
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}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
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</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|
|
<!-- text below generated by server. PLEASE REMOVE -->
|
|
<script language="JavaScript">var PUpage="76001089"; var PUprop="geocities"; </script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.geocities.com/js_source/pu5geo.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://www.geocities.com/js_source/ygIELib9.js?v3"></script><script language="JavaScript">var yviContents='http://us.toto.geo.yahoo.com/toto?s=76001089&l=NE&b=1&t=1038053941';yviR='us';yfiEA(0);</script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mc/mc.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://domainpending.com/js_source/geov2.js"></script><script language="javascript">geovisit();</script><noscript></noscript> |