884 lines
45 KiB
HTML
884 lines
45 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Stakeout </h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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============================================================================</p>
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<p>Episode #103 [Series Premiere]</p>
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<p>Originally Aired: Thursday, May 31, 1990, 9:30PM</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Thanks to Scott for typing this in and Steve for filling in the
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holes</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Production Credits:</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles</p>
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<p>Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman</p>
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<p>Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld</p>
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<p>Written By ........................... Larry David</p>
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<p>Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Cast:</p>
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<p>Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)</p>
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<p>George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander</p>
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<p>Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Dreyfus</p>
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<p>Kramer ............................... Michael Richards</p>
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<p>With:</p>
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<p>Vanessa .............................. Lynn Clark</p>
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<p>Morty Seinfeld ....................... Phil Bruns</p>
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<p>Helen Seinfeld ....................... Liz Sheridan</p>
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<p>Pamela ............................... Maud Winchester</p>
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<p>Roger ................................ William Fair</p>
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<p>Artie ................................ Ron Steelman</p>
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<p>Uncle Mac ............................ Joe George </p>
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<p>Carol ................................ Ellen Gerstein</p>
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<p>Woman ................................ Janet Rotblatt</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>Quotes and Scene summary:</p>
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<p>============================================================================</p>
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<p>% Opening monologue</p>
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<p>Jerry: So, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of
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me. One of</p>
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<p>them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They
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both</p>
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<p>of course choose to pay by the use of the (pause and gesture to
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audience</p>
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<p>for response)</p>
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<p>Audience: Cheque</p>
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<p>Jerry: Cheque. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you
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that's</p>
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<p>writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed
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that</p>
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<p>women are very *fast* with cheques, y'know, 'cuz they write out
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so many</p>
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<p>cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't
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know</p>
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<p>where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble
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for</p>
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<p>the cheque book-- the cheque book comes out of a holster: ["draws"
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imaginary</p>
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<p>book from an imaginary holster] ``Who do I make it out to?... There's
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my</p>
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<p>ID...''. There's something about a cheque that, to a man, is not
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masculine.</p>
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<p>I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a cheque is
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like a note </p>
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<p>from your mother that says ``I don't have any money, but if you'll
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</p>
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<p>contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you
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</p>
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<p>just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have </p>
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<p>these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?''</p>
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<p>[End monologue]</p>
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<p>% Open at a video store where Jerry and some woman named "Elaine"
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are </p>
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<p>% apparently looking to rent a movie for the night.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What's that one?</p>
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<p>Elaine: "Coccoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't
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like it up there...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton,
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if</p>
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<p>she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I
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</p>
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<p>gotta have a Lo mein!"</p>
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<p>Elaine: Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen *everything*.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this.</p>
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<p>% Jerry shows Elaine some movie from the Adult section that's probably</p>
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<p>% called "The Sperminator", or something...</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh, lovely...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah...</p>
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<p>Elaine: What do you think their parents think?</p>
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<p>Jerry: "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?"</p>
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<p>"Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy..."</p>
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<p>Elaine: Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamela's
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</p>
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<p>birthday.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Pamela? Do I know her?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Yeah, you met her when we were going out.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh yeah, right...</p>
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<p>Elaine: You have *no* idea who I'm talking about, do you?</p>
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<p>Jerry: [quickly] No.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Blonde hair remember? Glasses? [pause] Have you *totally*
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blocked</p>
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<p>out the entire time we were a couple?</p>
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<p>% Bing!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Riverside Drive.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Right! In fact... No, never mind...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Well, what is it?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night
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at some</p>
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<p>bar for her birthday, but... you don't want to go to... that...
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no.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little
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deal here.</p>
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<p>Elaine: What little deal?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family
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wedding I </p>
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<p>have on Saturday.</p>
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<p>Elaine: A *wedding*!? Have you *lost* it, man?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Y'know, my parents are coming in for this...</p>
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<p>Elaine: They're coming in?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yeah, tomorrow.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?</p>
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<p>Jerry: No, no... Still doin' the big *sweep* across.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Why does he do that?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Doesn't think anyone can tell?</p>
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<p>Jerry: So c'mon, do we have a deal?</p>
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<p>Elaine: A *wedding*?</p>
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<p>Jerry: There's a lot of people to mock...</p>
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<p>Elaine: Alright, what the Hell.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Great!</p>
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<p>Woman: When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin'</p>
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<p>anywhere...</p>
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<p>% Still haven't figured *that* one out yet. Nevertheless, at the
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bar </p>
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<p>% the next night...</p>
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<p>Elaine: C'mon lets go, c'mon...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Was I supposed to bring something?</p>
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<p>Elaine: You could have.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I met her *one* time...</p>
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<p>Elaine: It is not necessary.</p>
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<p>Jerry: What did you say then?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Sssshhhhhh!!!</p>
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<p>Pamela: Hi</p>
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<p>Elaine: Hi Pamela, you remember Jerry.</p>
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<p>Pamela: Yes, we met.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Hi, happy birthday.</p>
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<p>Pamela: Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.</p>
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<p>Guests: Hi</p>
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<p>Jerry: I didn't bring anything.</p>
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<p>Pamela: Ahh, I put you two right here.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) I'm sorry, I didn't know
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what</p>
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<p>to bring, nobody told me.</p>
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<p>% They sit down at a table next to each other. The piano man plays
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</p>
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<p>% your basic "one-step-up-from-elevator-music" (simply
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'cuz you're not</p>
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<p>% stuck in an elevator while listening to it). Across from Jerry
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is</p>
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<p>% a strikingly beautiful woman. She speaks:</p>
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<p>Vanessa: How big a tip do you think it'd take to get him to stop?</p>
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<p>Jerry: I'm in for five...</p>
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<p>Vanessa: I'll supply the hat.</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself] Uh-oh... What do we have here...</p>
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<p>Vanessa: Why don't you relax and take your jacket off?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh, I can't-- I have a tendency to get chilly.</p>
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<p>Vanessa: How masculine...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Plus I'm wearing short sleeves, I don't want to expose my
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tattoos.</p>
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<p>[To himself] She's unbelievable!</p>
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<p>% The guy beside Venus, er, I mean Vanessa interrupts to tell her
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about this</p>
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<p>% unseen guy next to him.</p>
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<p>Roger: [To Vanessa] Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker...</p>
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<p>Vanessa: Oh, you know Bricker! From where?</p>
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<p>% With their conversation interrupted, Jerry ponders to himself...</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself] What's going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend,
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she's</p>
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<p>too good to be alone... What's the difference, I can't maneuver
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</p>
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<p>anyway with Elaine next to me...</p>
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<p>Vanessa: [To Jerry] How do you know Pamela?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Friend of a friend. And you?</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>Vanessa: We went to law school together.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Oh, Jerry!</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself] Oh no, not *now*...</p>
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<p>Elaine: I had this dream last night and you were in it.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Oh really... [To himself] Oh God, I gotta get out of this...</p>
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<p>Elaine: You were you, but, you weren't you...</p>
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<p>Jerry: No kidding... [To himself] Why is this happening? Please,
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make </p>
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<p>her stop!</p>
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<p>Elaine: I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and
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you were </p>
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<p>standing there, you were looking out the window--</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself] This is *brutal*...</p>
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<p>Elaine: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth...</p>
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<p>Jerry: How do you like that... [To himself] Can I turn now? Is
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this </p>
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<p>over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck...</p>
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<p>Elaine: Jerry? Are you listening to me?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Yes, I *heard* you.</p>
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<p>Pamela: Elaine, what's the name of that jewelry store you took
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me to that </p>
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<p>time?</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself] Thank *you*, Pamela!</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To Vanessa] So, you're a lawyer...</p>
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<p>Vanessa: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim
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and Taft. </p>
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<p>Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft...</p>
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<p>[To Vanessa] Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!</p>
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<p>Vanessa: Oh, that was you!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's...</p>
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<p>Vanessa: Very funny! What do you do?</p>
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<p>Jerry: Comedian.</p>
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<p>Vanessa: Really... That explains it...</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself, quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim
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and Taft.</p>
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<p>Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.</p>
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<p>Roger: Are you ready?</p>
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<p>Vanessa: We gotta run. Happy birthday!</p>
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<p>% The two of them get up an leave. Jerry panics n his own mind...</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself] I can't believe it-- I got *nothing*! I don't
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even </p>
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<p>know her name!</p>
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<p>% Oh, poor Jerry. If only he would read my episode capsules, he
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would've</p>
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<p>% known her name 70 lines ago...</p>
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<p>Jerry: [To himself, *very* quickly] Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim
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and </p>
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<p>Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...</p>
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<p>% A grim stare from Elaine knocks his concentration. After the
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party, in </p>
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<p>% the cab home...</p>
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<p>Jerry: That wasn't so bad, really...</p>
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<p>Elaine: Y'know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Why? What did I do?</p>
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<p>% You mean besides not bringing anything?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Well, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy
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responses", </p>
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<p>like I'm selling you aluminum siding.</p>
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<p>Jerry: I was listening!</p>
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<p>Elaine: No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation".</p>
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<p>% Okay Jerry. Bottom of the ninth. Two on, down by one. Two strikes
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on</p>
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<p>% you. Let's see how you do in the clutch...</p>
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<p>Jerry: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.</p>
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<p>Elaine: Uh-huh...</p>
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<p>% So far, so good.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.</p>
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<p>% Oops. Whiff.</p>
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<p>Elaine: No! No! *You* had wooden teeth! *You* had wooden teeth!
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*I* </p>
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<p>didn't have wooden teeth, *you* did!</p>
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<p>Jerry: Alright, so *I* had wooden teeth, so what?</p>
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<p>Elaine: So nothing... Nothing...</p>
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<p>% Cut to Jerry in a nightclub somewhere, doing another monologue...</p>
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<p>Jerry: Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic
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</p>
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<p>relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after </p>
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<p>himself. He said ``Yeah, I got this new thing-- "platonic".
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My </p>
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<p>idea, my name, callin' it after myself... What I do is, I go *out*</p>
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<p>with the girls, I *talk* with them-- don't *do* anything... and
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go </p>
|
|
<p>right home. What'dya think? I think it's going to be *big*!''</p>
|
|
<p>I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get</p>
|
|
<p>relationships named after them, but it didn't work. Y'know, I bet
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>you there were guys who tried to do it, just went: ``Hi, my name's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a </p>
|
|
<p>*"Riconic"* relationship...''</p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry gets home after the party. His place is characteristically
|
|
not</p>
|
|
<p>% vacant, but it's not Kramer inside-- it's his folks.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey!</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Ah, there he is!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents
|
|
are in your</p>
|
|
<p>bed!</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you talkin' about? It's fine, I love having you
|
|
here...</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ma, will you stop?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: No, why should we take over your apartment?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't care-- I'm sleeping next door.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, he's making a bouillabaisse.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at
|
|
these big</p>
|
|
<p>law offices?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Depends on the firm.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you
|
|
think they </p>
|
|
<p>would know who it was?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: What's the matter? You need a lawyer?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works,
|
|
but I </p>
|
|
<p>don't know her name.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: So why don't you ask someone who was at the party?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask
|
|
her.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Why not?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Because it's complicated-- there's some tension there.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: He used to go with her...</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Which one is she?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>cherries you didn't like.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh yeah, she's great.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: So, how come nothing materialized there?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno...</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: I know what it was...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You don't know what it was...</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: So, what was it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, we fight a lot for some reason...</p>
|
|
<p>% Both his parents respond in that "You know so little son,
|
|
that's to be</p>
|
|
<p>% expected", sarcastic, know-it-all tone...</p>
|
|
<p>H + M: Oh, well...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry...</p>
|
|
<p>% Oops. Cat got your collective tongue, folks? They occupy themselves</p>
|
|
<p>% for a few seconds, not knowing how to respond to *that*...</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Well, I think she's a very attractive girl.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, she is, she absolutely is.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: I can see if there was a *weight* problem...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, it's not that. It wasn't all one-sided.</p>
|
|
<p>% Why, Jerry? How could anyone not like you?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect.</p>
|
|
<p>% Except maybe Jerry. Right, Mrs. Seinfeld?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I know, I know...</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Y'know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Idiot... [To Jerry] So who're you looking for, Sophia Loren?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's got *nothin'* to do with it.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: How about Loni Anderson?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Where do you get Loni Anderson?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: I like *Elaine* more than Loni Anderson...</p>
|
|
<p>% That makes a bunch of us, Mrs. Seinfeld...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasn't
|
|
"the one".</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: And this other one's "the one"?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I dunno, maybe...</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: So ask Elaine there for the number.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I can't-- she'll get upset. I never talk about other women
|
|
with her,</p>
|
|
<p>especially this one tonight.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: How could you still see her if your not interested?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: We're *friends*.</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Doesn't sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends
|
|
you'd </p>
|
|
<p>ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh yeah...</p>
|
|
<p>% Yeah, but can he say it six times fast? Actually, he probably
|
|
can...</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Well, go up to the office.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Up to her office?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I guess...</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for
|
|
her to </p>
|
|
<p>come down for lunch.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You mean "stakeout" the lobby?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number!</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: So you've got him standing by the elevator like a *dope*!
|
|
What </p>
|
|
<p>happens when he sees her?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: He pretends he *bumped* into her!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Y'know what? This is *not* that *bad* an idea...</p>
|
|
<p>% At the building, G+J start to plot their strategy.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What does she look like?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I dunno. Hard to say.</p>
|
|
<p>George: What actress does she remind you of?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Loni Anderson.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Loni Anderson?!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th st. Besides,
|
|
you think</p>
|
|
<p>I wanna miss this?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I'm a little nervous.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, me too...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building?</p>
|
|
<p>George: You came to see me; I work in the building.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What do you do?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm an *architect*.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You're an *architect*?</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm not?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't see architecture comin from you...</p>
|
|
<p>George: I suppose *you* could be an architect...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin' else...</p>
|
|
<p>George: Alright, she's not even gonna ask, if we *see* her, which
|
|
is remote.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well what'dya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?!</p>
|
|
<p>George: We're having lunch with a friend-- he works in the building.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What is *his* name?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.</p>
|
|
<p>George: No good? Alright, how about Art... Corr..... </p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Art Corr...</p>
|
|
<p>George: ...velay...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Corvelay?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, right.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, what does *he* do?</p>
|
|
<p>George: He's an importer.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Just imports, no exports?</p>
|
|
<p>George: He's an importer/exporter, okay? </p>
|
|
<p>George: Say, did Elaine ever call you back?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, I guess she's still mad.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I don't understand, you never talk to her about other women?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Never.</p>
|
|
<p>% Bing! The elevator opens up and...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Wait a second... That's her... on the right.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Vandelay!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Corvelay!</p>
|
|
<p>George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!</p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry ignores George and approaches Vanessa.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Hey, hey... Pamela's birthday party, didn't I see you there...
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry.</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: Sure! Hi!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: This is George. ["Grasps" for her name] I'm sorry...</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: Vanessa.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Nice to meet you.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: That's right! What're you doing here?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here
|
|
in the</p>
|
|
<p>building.</p>
|
|
<p>George: Yeah, Art *Vandelay*.</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: Really? Which company?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I don't know. He's an importer.</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: Importer?</p>
|
|
<p>George: ...And exporter.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: He's an importer/exporter.</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'm, uh, I'm an architect.</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: Really. What do you design?</p>
|
|
<p>George: Uh, railroads, uh...</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: I thought engineers do that.</p>
|
|
<p>George: They can...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night.</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, that guy was your *cousin*!</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: Yeah, and that woman was your--</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Friend!</p>
|
|
<p>George: I'll just, uh, get a paper...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: So, um, do you date immature men?</p>
|
|
<p>Vanessa: Almost exclusively...</p>
|
|
<p>% I'm next! I'm next!</p>
|
|
<p>%</p>
|
|
<p>% After yours truly goes through a reality check, we cut to Jerry's
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>% apartment where mother and son engage in a friendly game of Scrabble.</p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry's Mom sings to herself while she apparently tries to make
|
|
words</p>
|
|
<p>% out of a meaningless string of letters.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ma, will you go already?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Bum bum bum bum...</p>
|
|
<p>% She picks up a nearby dictionary...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What are you doing?!</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Wait, I just want to see something...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You can't look in there, we're playing!</p>
|
|
<p>% The K-Man cometh...</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Evening, Mr. Kramer!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Hey Morty! [To Jerry] Salad dressing?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Look.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: "Quo"? Is that a word?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Maybe!</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Will you challenge it?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Ma, you can't look up words in the dictionary! Dad, she's
|
|
cheating!</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: "Quo"? That's not a word.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: [To Jerry] You're such a stickler...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well put *something* down, you're taking twenty minutes
|
|
on this.</p>
|
|
<p>So is Uncle Mac, and Artie, they're all coming over here before
|
|
the</p>
|
|
<p>wedding?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: They'll be here at two o'clock... Oh, Elaine called. She
|
|
said </p>
|
|
<p>she'd be here at 2:30. Oh, and she says ``Hope your meeting went
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>well with Art... "Vandelay"?''</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She said *what*?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Just what I said, here.</p>
|
|
<p>% She hands Jerry the note. He reads it.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She knows! Oh, I am *such* a *jackass*...</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: She knows what?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: She knows the whole stupid thing... Vanessa and the elevator...</p>
|
|
<p>% The brute secretly offers up a word to Mrs. Seinfeld...</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: No, no, no, that won't do. He may have a "Z"...</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: So, how did she find out?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably
|
|
told </p>
|
|
<p>Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>% While, they talk, Kramer has covertly scoped Jerry's tiles to
|
|
confirm </p>
|
|
<p>% that Jer doesn't have a "Z". This goes unnoticed by
|
|
Jerry, who continues</p>
|
|
<p>% to talk with his Pop...</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: So, what are you? Afraid of her?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yes. *Yes* *I* *am*!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: What else did she say on the phone?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Whatever I wrote down.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Who am I, Rich Little?</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Well, she can't be too mad-- she's still coming to the wedding.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, but now I'm nervous.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Oh, stop it.</p>
|
|
<p>% She makes her move and tallies the points...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Quone"?</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: ...30...31...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have
|
|
to challenge that.</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: ...32...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's
|
|
a </p>
|
|
<p>*definite* word.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I am challenging...</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Quone: to quone something.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Uh-huh...</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore...</p>
|
|
<p>Morty: Quone's not a word...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off...</p>
|
|
<p>Helen: Why did you make me put that down?</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer: Nah, we need a *medical* dictionary! If a patient gets
|
|
difficult, </p>
|
|
<p>you *quone* him...</p>
|
|
<p>% End Act II. Open at Jerry's apartment with a few people mingling
|
|
about,</p>
|
|
<p>% waiting to go to the wedding. Jerry is talking to Carol <I
|
|
miss the first</p>
|
|
<p>% few seconds here. Sorry></p>
|
|
<p>Carol: You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where
|
|
I work,</p>
|
|
<p>now that's a sitcom!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: You must have quite a time down there. [Checks his watch]</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: We got plenty of time...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for someone...</p>
|
|
<p>Mac: Watch what you say to this guy-- he'll put it in his next
|
|
act!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, yeah...</p>
|
|
<p>Mac: Jerry, did I tell you that I'm writing a book? An autobiography.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it...</p>
|
|
<p>Mac: It's based on all my experiences!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: That's perfect. [Elaine enters] Could you excuse me one
|
|
second. </p>
|
|
<p>I'm sorry.</p>
|
|
<p>% Jerry goes over and greets Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: How do you do, Jerry Seinfeld.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, how do you do. Elaine Benes.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until
|
|
we get</p>
|
|
<p>in the car?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh no, let's do it now.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Alright, the whole elevator business, let me just explain--</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Okay...</p>
|
|
<p>Artie: Jerry, were you goin' with us?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, I'm gonna take my car.</p>
|
|
<p>Artie: That's why I brought the wagon. Why the Hell did I bring
|
|
the wagon?</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you, I mean I felt so
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>uncomfortable, and you were *so* annoyed in the cab.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before.
|
|
It was </p>
|
|
<p>quite the spectacle.</p>
|
|
<p>Carol: Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Oh, bye. Good to see you.</p>
|
|
<p>Artie: Oh, we didn't meet.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin Artie Levine.</p>
|
|
<p>% As in Liveen.</p>
|
|
<p>Artie: Le*vine*.</p>
|
|
<p>% As in Levyne. He leaves with Carol.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd03 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>Jerry: Yeah, "Le*vine*". And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp...
|
|
Anyway, I </p>
|
|
<p>admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean,</p>
|
|
<p>obviously we have a little problem here.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah, obviously.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: I mean, if we're gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk
|
|
about</p>
|
|
<p>other people...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Couldn't agree more.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Good.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Good.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Good.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Great!</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Great? Where do you get "great"?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: It's great to... talk about... other people...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: ...Guys.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Uh-huh... Yeah... So, anybody specific?</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No. A general guy.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Oh *really*... Elaine Marie Benes...</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: What? No, it's not a big deal.</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: No, that's great! That's terrific!</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: No, we just met...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Doesn't matter. What's the young man's name? I would like
|
|
to </p>
|
|
<p>meet him.</p>
|
|
<p>Elaine: I don't think so...</p>
|
|
<p>Jerry: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a
|
|
labourer </p>
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<p>of some sort?</p>
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<p>Elaine: Wall street.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Conneticut.</p>
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<p>Elaine: And he happens to be pretty good lookin'</p>
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<p>Jerry: [pause] Alright, sir.</p>
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<p>Elaine: And... he's *hilarious*.</p>
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<p>Jerry: Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy?</p>
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<p>Elaine: I "staked" out his health club.</p>
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<p>% This is why I'll never be a writer. To me, this would've been
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"stook</p>
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<p>% out". I'm such a dweeb...</p>
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<p>Jerry: When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand
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up </p>
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<p>against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?...</p>
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<p>% Closing monologue</p>
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<p>Jerry: Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with
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someone,</p>
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<p>or let's say, *especially* if you've had a relationship with someone
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</p>
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<p>and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult.
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</p>
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<p>Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you
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</p>
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<p>know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying
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to</p>
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<p>entertain each other.</p>
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<p>The one goes, "Look, a rabbit."</p>
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<p>The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card."</p>
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<p>"Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it
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a night?</p>
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<p>Okay?"</p>
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<p>[End]</p>
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<p>===========================================================================</p>
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<p><Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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</div>
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<div id="navBar">
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<div id="upperBox">
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
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google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
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google_ad_width = 200;
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google_ad_height = 200;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript"
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
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for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
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document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
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}
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</script>
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</div>
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<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
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function noSpam(user,domain) {
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locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
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window.location = locationstring;
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}
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-->
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</script>
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<div class="footer">
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<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
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<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
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</div>
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<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
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var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var _gaq = _gaq || [];
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_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
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_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
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(function() {
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var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
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ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
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var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
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</script></body>
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