702 lines
38 KiB
HTML
702 lines
38 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
|
|
<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"
|
|
xmlns:og="http://opengraphprotocol.org/schema/"
|
|
xmlns:fb="http://www.facebook.com/2008/fbml"><!-- InstanceBegin template="/Templates/seinfeld.dwt" codeOutsideHTMLIsLocked="false" -->
|
|
<head>
|
|
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8" />
|
|
<META NAME="AUTHOR" CONTENT="Doctoroids" />
|
|
<META NAME="COPYRIGHT" CONTENT="© 2002-2010 Doctoroids" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="doctitle" -->
|
|
<title>Seinfeld Scripts - The Stock Tip </title>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<link href="support-files/seinfeld.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" />
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="docdescription" -->
|
|
<meta name="description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Stock Tip. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="dockeywords" -->
|
|
<meta name="keywords" content="the stock tip, seinfeld stock tip, seinfeld scripts, seinfeld, seinfeld episode" />
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
window.google_analytics_uacct = "UA-16472669-1";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<link rel="image_src" href="images/seinfeld-share.jpg" />
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://s7.addthis.com/js/250/addthis_widget.js#username=doctoroids">var addthis_config = {data_track_clickback: true};</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="head" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="pagetype" -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageType="CONTENT";
|
|
</script>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script>
|
|
|
|
<meta property="og:site_name" content="SeinfeldScripts"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:app_id" content="164823560224402"/>
|
|
<meta property="fb:admins" content="824270386"/>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="ogdata" -->
|
|
<meta property="og:image" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/images/seinfeld-cast.jpg"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:title" content="The Stock Tip"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:type" content="tv_show"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:url" content="http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheStockTip.htm"/>
|
|
<meta property="og:description" content="Want to know what Kramer told Seinfeld? Read the full scritpt of The Stock Tip. Full Seinfeld scripts and episodes"/>
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
|
|
</head>
|
|
<body>
|
|
<div class="wrap">
|
|
<div class="head_title">
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div id="menu">
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<!-- **** INSERT NAVIGATION ITEMS HERE (use id="selected" to identify the page you're on **** -->
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Gifts</a></li>
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<div class="addthis_toolbox addthis_default_style" id="menu_share">
|
|
<li><a style="padding: 8px 3px 8px 160px" href="http://addthis.com/bookmark.php?v=250&username=doctoroids" class="addthis_button_compact">Share</a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_facebook"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_twitter"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_googlebuzz"></a></li>
|
|
<li><a class="addthis_button_digg"></a></li>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="underMenu">
|
|
<a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com">Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community!</a></div>
|
|
|
|
<div id="content"><!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="main_content" -->
|
|
<h1>The Stock Tip</h1>
|
|
|
|
<p><table width="300" height="250" border="0" align="left" cellpadding="0" style="margin-right:10px;">
|
|
<tr>
|
|
<td>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-in_content-top_left */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4619537930";
|
|
google_ad_width = 300;
|
|
google_ad_height = 250;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
</td>
|
|
</tr>
|
|
</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
|
|
Written by: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld</p>
|
|
<p>Directed by: Tom Cherones</p>
|
|
<p>Broadcasted: June 21, 1990 for the first time.</p>
|
|
<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, </p>
|
|
<p>Jason Alexander, and Lynn Clark (as Vanessa).</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Nightclub]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end
|
|
of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the check at the end
|
|
of the meal system, because</p>
|
|
<p>money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before
|
|
you eat money has no value. And you don't care about money when
|
|
you're hungry, you sit down at a</p>
|
|
<p>restaurant. You're like the ruler of an empire. "More drinks,
|
|
appetizers, quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our
|
|
lives." Then after the meal, you know,</p>
|
|
<p>you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed, cigarette
|
|
butt in the mashed potatoes - then the check comes at that moment.
|
|
People are always upset,</p>
|
|
<p>you know. They're mystified by the check. "What is this? How
|
|
could this be?" They start passing it around the table, "Does
|
|
this look right to you? We're not hungry</p>
|
|
<p>now. Why are we buying all this food?!"</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Coffee Shop] JERRY: I think Superman probably has a very
|
|
good sense of humor.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I never heard him say anything really funny.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed..
|
|
I'm sure he's got super humor.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense
|
|
of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go
|
|
from the red sun of Krypton all</p>
|
|
<p>the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected
|
|
by the yellow sun of Earth?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't know but he ain't funny.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine joins them, they check their watches.)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No problem.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I dropped a grape.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Pardon?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I
|
|
couldn't find it. I was... I was literally on my knees for ten minutes
|
|
looking for this stupid grape. I</p>
|
|
<p>have no idea where it went.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape. You'll find
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, I'm just getting over an allergy attack. This guy I'm
|
|
going out with - </p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Robert.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Robert. Yes.. thank you. He has two cats and I'm allergic
|
|
to them. You know, I finally meet a normal man, and I can't even
|
|
go into his apartment, you</p>
|
|
<p>know. And, of course, my apartment is the actor's studio so we
|
|
can't go there. It's really causing a lot of problems, you know.
|
|
He won't even go away fro the</p>
|
|
<p>weekend because of these cats.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Guys with cats.. I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I've been thinking about asking this girl I'm, uh, seeing
|
|
-</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Vanessa.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Vanessa, thank you.. I've been thinking about asking her
|
|
to go away for a couple of days.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh no. No, no,no,no,no. I'd have to advise against that.
|
|
What do you know this woman, a month? Let's see, you're going to
|
|
be with her seventy-two</p>
|
|
<p>hours. That's a dating decathlon.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (balancing a spoon on her nose) Hey, why don't you take
|
|
her to that place in Vermont I was telling you about? You know,
|
|
that really charming place with</p>
|
|
<p>the separate faucets for the hot and cold. She'll love it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To Elaine) That's exquisite. Listen, uh, if it's not too
|
|
much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there?</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine gets the paper, he starts flipping through it.)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You better find that grape before it mutates into another
|
|
life form. (Elaine laughs) There was once a mutant grape that terrorized
|
|
an entire town in the Texas</p>
|
|
<p>panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently
|
|
it had a pit of steel.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To himself) Up again?! This is incredible. I'm.. I'm getting
|
|
it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You're getting what?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: A stock.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What stock?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Did you ever meet my friend, Simons?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Maybe.</p>
|
|
<p>GOERGE: He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the
|
|
stock market. Now he's got some new thing - you know, there's supposed
|
|
to be a big merger.</p>
|
|
<p>He wasn't even supposed to say anything. You guys should think
|
|
about doing this too.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How high's it suppose to go?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved,
|
|
that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You
|
|
wanna do it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy.. I don't know.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'd do it but I don't have any money.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What kind of company is it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: It's Sendrax. They've got some new kind of technique for
|
|
televising opera.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Televising opera?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Some sort of electronic thingy.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, how much are you going to invest?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Unsure) Five thousand.. ten. Ten thousand.. Five thousand.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Boy..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: C'mon. Wilkinson's got millions invested in this stock.
|
|
It's gone up three points since I've been watching it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What if I lose it?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: C'mon, go for twenty-five hundred. We'll do it together.
|
|
Come on, come on. We're in it together.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (gives in) All right -- twenty-five hundred.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: That's it.</p>
|
|
<p>[Waitress arrives]</p>
|
|
<p>WAITRESS: Yeah, can I take your order?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: My bet? All right.. I'll open with a tuna sandwich.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Tuna?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, the dolphin thing?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: They're dying in the nets.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Ooohhh.. You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on
|
|
tuna.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act in your
|
|
daily routine?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the
|
|
time. I'm always waving everybody in. "Go ahead, go ahead,
|
|
go ahead." ..Alright.. alright. I'll have</p>
|
|
<p>a chicken salad.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: And I'm going to have an English muffin with margarine
|
|
on the side and a cup of coffee.</p>
|
|
<p>WAITRESS: Okay. (To George) What about you?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'll have the tuna.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends.)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: A Korean Market]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I have to say. Those people talking behind us really ruined
|
|
that movie for me.</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: Why didn't you do something?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What do you want me to do? I have the guy the half-turn.
|
|
Then I have him the full-turn with the eye roll! I mean, beyond
|
|
that, I'm risking a punch in the</p>
|
|
<p>mouth.. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs?</p>
|
|
<p>STOCK BOY: No puffs. Just flakes.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Have you thought any more about that trip?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: Yeah, I've been thinking about it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont.</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: I don't know. I just worry about trips like this.. It's
|
|
a lot of pressure.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's great! It speeds up the intimacy level. It's like putting
|
|
the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months
|
|
from now we accomplish</p>
|
|
<p>(snaps) three days.</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two..?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased
|
|
call frequency, walking around naked.. You know, the presents get
|
|
a lot better in Phase Two.</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: (Starting to like the idea) Really? Could we go fishing
|
|
up there?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: They have marlin in Vermont?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, big fighting marlin.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry picks up a paper)</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: Jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked it earlier.
|
|
There are no changes after the market closes. The stock is still
|
|
down.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they
|
|
have, uh, different.. sources.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment. Jerry's looking at a road map; Kramer
|
|
is looking at the paper]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Is that my paper?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Bad news, my friend.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What? What news?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Sendrax.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, c'mon! It's down again?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Two and a half points.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I can't believe it. Let me see that. (Looks at the paper)
|
|
That's four and a half points in three days! That's almost half
|
|
my money!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, I told ya.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Sarcastic) Yeah, you told me.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: It's all manipulated with junk bonds. You can't win.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Holding the phone, calling George) There's one thing I
|
|
don't understand. Why does it please you? (Into phone) George Costanza,
|
|
please.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, I don't care. I'm just telling you to (yelling) get
|
|
rid of that stock, now!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Into phone) George, what's going on?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Sell it, just say I'm selling!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Into phone) Well, where is the guy?! Nothing? Almost half
|
|
my money's gone.. Well, call me right back. (Hangs up) Nobody can
|
|
reach Wilkinson. He</p>
|
|
<p>hasn't been home or in his office in the past three days!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You know, I can't believe you put your money in that Sendrax.
|
|
And you could've invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've got a very big meeting
|
|
coming up.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Okay.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You just (makes noise) tear it off, and you got a new one
|
|
right here. Then you're gone.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You're gone alright.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Looking at map) Hey, where.. where are you going? You
|
|
gonna take a trip? The map.. what..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa for a few days.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming
|
|
over this weekend.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What friends?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, it's just some people I met at a rock concert.</p>
|
|
<p>(Phone rings)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give him a look)
|
|
'Cause they're really good people, Jerry. I'm telling you. You know,
|
|
they're anarchists.</p>
|
|
<p>They're.. they're.. they're.. huge.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry answers phone)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: George.. what?! You're kidding.. Well, what's wrong?.. So,
|
|
what are we gonna do?.. Great! Alright, I'll speak to you later.
|
|
(Hangs up) Wilkinson, the guy</p>
|
|
<p>who's supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, he's in the hospital.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer has a pleased reaction on his face)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Dry-Cleaning store; Jerry and George are in line]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So you don't know what's wrong with him?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: All Simons was able to find out is that he's in the hospital.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Of course he's been in touch with him. He's left two messages.
|
|
He just hasn't heard back yet, that's all.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, this is it. I'm selling.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Just give it a little more time.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I never should've gotten involved in this. I'm a nervous
|
|
wreck. I"m not cut out for investing.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, alright. That's it. I'm gonna go down there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Where?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: To the hospital.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: The hospital?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm going to find out what's going on. Alright?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Are you nuts? You don't even know they guy.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So what? I'll start talking to him, you know, casual, and
|
|
I'll work my way around to it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What if he's in an iron lung or something? What are you
|
|
gonna do? (knocking on glass) "How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson?
|
|
(makes hissing sound) By the</p>
|
|
<p>way, what's happening with Sendrax?"</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Maybe he's resting.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Who goes to the hospital to rest?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What are you, a doctor?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Today. I'm going today. Just don't do anything until you
|
|
hear from me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Alright.</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry moves up in line, a woman takes his place. George didn't
|
|
notice)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To woman, thinking she's Jerry) Boy, I have to get to
|
|
a bathroom.</p>
|
|
<p>(Woman gives him a look)</p>
|
|
<p>DRY CLEANER: May I help you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely
|
|
shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.</p>
|
|
<p>DRY CLEANER: When did you bring it in?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of
|
|
this shirt?!</p>
|
|
<p>DRY CLEANER: You got a receipt?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I can't find the receipt.</p>
|
|
<p>DRY CLEANER: You should get the receipt.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had
|
|
the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do
|
|
with this?!</p>
|
|
<p>DRY CLEANER: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this
|
|
tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money?!
|
|
In fact, forget the money. I don't even</p>
|
|
<p>want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner
|
|
admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want
|
|
an admission of guilt.</p>
|
|
<p>DRY CLEANER: Maybe you asked for it to be washed?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No.. dry-cleaned.</p>
|
|
<p>DRY CLEANER: Let me explain to you something. Okay? With certain
|
|
types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Interrupting) You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just
|
|
tell me that you shrunk it!</p>
|
|
<p>DRY CLEANER: I shrunk it.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends.)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I
|
|
can say to the dry cleaner, "Well, it's ruined." And of
|
|
course, the dry cleaner can respond, "It's not</p>
|
|
<p>our fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That
|
|
ends our legal obligation." You see, the whole problem with
|
|
dry cleaning is that we all believe that this</p>
|
|
<p>is actually possible. Right? They're cleaning our clothes - but
|
|
they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. I know there's gotta
|
|
be some liquids back there, some fluids</p>
|
|
<p>that they're using. There's no such thing as dry cleaning. When
|
|
you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt
|
|
and try to get it off like that (brushes</p>
|
|
<p>shirt) - that's dry cleaning. I don't think that's what they're
|
|
doing back there. They don't have eighty guys going (with imaginary
|
|
brush) "Come on, hurry up! There's a</p>
|
|
<p>lot of shirts today."</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine sneezes)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Bless you.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Thank you. What evidence is there that cats are so smart,
|
|
anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry.
|
|
My Uncle Pete showers</p>
|
|
<p>four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So what are you gonna do?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of
|
|
course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do
|
|
you think a hit man would charge to</p>
|
|
<p>rub out a couple of cats?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks
|
|
a cat?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm no cat killer.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: How about we go over there right now and we shave them?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'd really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back
|
|
from the hospital. I gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely
|
|
go.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: He actually wen to the hospital?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh man, he's nuts.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, he's nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter
|
|
Kramer, holding a paper) I know, I know. It's down again.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: How much are you down altogether?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know.. fifteen hundred dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Wow.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You don't have to say "Wow." I know it's "Wow."
|
|
And there's that smile again. Well, what is that?</p>
|
|
<p>(Intercom buzzes)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's George. (Presses button to let George in.)</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine goes into the bathroom; kramer picks up some binoculars
|
|
and looks ou the window)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here.
|
|
Take a look at this.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I really don't need to look.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What a body. Yeeaahh.. that's for me.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, and you're just what she's looking for too - a stranger
|
|
leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I'm gonna go down there and try and talk to her. (leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>(Enter George; he flops onto the couch)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods) Did he
|
|
tell you what's gonna happen? (George shakes his head "no".)
|
|
How long were you there?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Fifteen seconds.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You told him you knew Simons?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know - I'm in the
|
|
parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. I'll tell
|
|
you one thing.. I don't know</p>
|
|
<p>what he's got. But for a sick guy, he's very strong.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine exits bathroom)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, that's it. Look, I'm going to Vermont. I don't want
|
|
to think about this. I'm selling.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Didn't work, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Laughs) Not quite.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well, what are you gonna do about the stock?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm keeping it. I'm going down with the ship.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends.)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Country Inn]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So I know this guy. I'm getting all my sneakers at a discount
|
|
now.</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: I know. You mentioned it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh yeah, right. (To himself) Oh God. Get me out of here.
|
|
What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And I've still
|
|
got another day! I've got</p>
|
|
<p>nothing left to say. Wait.. wait.. got one. (To Vanessa) That's
|
|
a nice watch. Do you wind it?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: No, it's got a little battery.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, that's good. (To himself) Well, the drive home should
|
|
be a delight. I'm speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail.
|
|
I don't care. (To Vanessa)</p>
|
|
<p>That' the manager? Do you wnat me to see if we can get another
|
|
room?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: No, it's okay.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, I guess you don't find the separate faucets for the
|
|
hot and cold - charming?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: Not especially.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, what do you wnat to do this afternoon?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: What can we do? It's raining.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: We cold play "Sorry!" We cold play "Steal
|
|
the Old Man's Bundle." (To himself) Maybe I can get an extension
|
|
cord and hang myself. (To Vanessa) What</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>kind of perfume is that you're wearing?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: Oh, you've never heard of it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, what? What kind is it?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: I can't tell you.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To himself) Yeah, that's normal. (Out loud, to a man nearby)
|
|
Excuse me, Sir. Could I have a look at that business section?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: That stock? I thought you got out of that?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I did. I'm just curious. It's been almost a week. I want
|
|
to check it out. (finds stock) Six points. It's up six points!</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: I told you not to sell.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You did not tell me not to sell.</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: I said, the market fluctuates. Remember?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody
|
|
knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: That's probably why.. (stops herself)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: Forget it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, what? 'That's probably why..'</p>
|
|
<p>VANESSA: That's probably why we're staying here, because you lost
|
|
money on the stock.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To himself) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty=nine
|
|
hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the
|
|
name of that purfume..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends.)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Have something else. C'mon, have a little dessert?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm good, thanks.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Elaine, get something! It's all taken care of.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'm kinda full.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So don't finish it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (acidly) She's full. (George puts up his hands in an "excuse
|
|
me" gesture.) So, Big daddy. I'm just curious. How much did
|
|
you clear on your little trasaction</p>
|
|
<p>there? All told?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't like to discuss figures.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: How much?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I don't know, what? Eight thousand. It's a Hyundai. Get
|
|
out of here.. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson
|
|
cleaned up.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, Wilkinson's out of the hospital now?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No. You'd be surprised. You don't recover that quickly
|
|
from a nose job.</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine sneezes)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Is taht still from the cats?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, I just have a cold.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So, what ever happened with that?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I gave him an ultimatum. (Shrugs)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: He chose the cats?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: They're very clean animals.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I gotta say, that's pretty sad. Losing out to a cat.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I told you those trips were relationship killers. Too bad
|
|
you can't get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super
|
|
speed and reverse time.</p>
|
|
<p>You'd get all the money back - you could have avoided the whole
|
|
trip to Vermont.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Superman can go back in time?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: We went over that.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Wilkinson's got a bite on a new one.. Petramco Corp. Out
|
|
of, hu, Springfield. I think. They're about to introduce some sort
|
|
of robot butcher.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: A robot butcher?</p>
|
|
<p>GOERGE: Shhhhh. If you want to get in - there's very little time.
|
|
(Calling to waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress tears of check, George
|
|
stops her) No, no, no. That'</p>
|
|
<p>ought to coever it. (He hands her some money, she turns to leave,
|
|
George stops her) Just a second.. Just a.. let me.. (looks at the
|
|
check, then take some money out</p>
|
|
<p>of her hand.) (Urging Jerry and Elaine to eat) Come on, come on,
|
|
come on..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends.)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm not an investor. People always tell me, you should have
|
|
your money working for you. I've decided I'll do the work. I'm gonna
|
|
let the money relax. You</p>
|
|
<p>know what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there - working
|
|
for you - a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, "What
|
|
happened? I had my money. It</p>
|
|
<p>was here, it was working for me." "Yeah, I remember your
|
|
money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go."</p>
|
|
<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- content -->
|
|
|
|
<div id="navBar">
|
|
|
|
<div id="upperBox">
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-top_small */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "4348143300";
|
|
google_ad_width = 200;
|
|
google_ad_height = 200;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"
|
|
src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js">
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<div class="leftnav"><br />
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<li><a href="index.html">Home</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Full Scripts</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="http://community.seinfeldscripts.com/">Community</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Guide</a> </li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-characters.html">Characters Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-cast.html">Cast Details</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-quotes.html">Quotes</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Shop</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="festivus.html">Festivus Info</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="seinfeld-superman.html">Superman References</a></li>
|
|
<li><a href="watch-seinfeld.html">Watch Online</a></li>
|
|
|
|
<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
|
|
<div>
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
|
|
<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
|
|
<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
|
|
<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
|
|
</div>
|
|
</form>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
</ul>
|
|
<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
|
|
|
|
<script type="text/javascript"><!--
|
|
google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
|
|
/* html-nav_bar-tower */
|
|
google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
|
|
google_ad_width = 160;
|
|
google_ad_height = 600;
|
|
//-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
|
|
<p ></p>
|
|
<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
|
|
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
|
|
var bannerSize = 2300;
|
|
var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
|
|
var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
|
|
if (pageType!="SALE" ){
|
|
if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
|
}
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|