787 lines
43 KiB
HTML
787 lines
43 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Van Buren Boys </h1>
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</table><!-- BeginAdHead --><p><strong>Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? <br />Check out our complete <a href="buy-seinfeld.html">Seinfeld Gift Guide right now</a>! Including <a href="seinfeld-t-shirt.html">T-Shirts</a>, <a href="seinfeld-dvd.html">DVDs</a>, and more!</strong></p><p> </p><script src="http://connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js#xfbml=1"></script><fb:like show_faces="false" width="330"></fb:like><g:plusone></g:plusone><!-- EndAd -->
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Written by: Darin Henry</p>
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<p>Directed by: Andy Ackerman</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: February 6, 1997 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, John O'Hurley (as Peterman),
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Jed</p>
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<p>Rhein (Steven), and Christine Taylor (as Ellen).</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: A Restaurant]</p>
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<p>ELLEN: So, they have this clock now, where you punch in your age,
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and all your risk factors. It actually counts down how much time
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you have left to live.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're
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pounding on your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 8,.. I told you
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this thing was good!</p>
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<p>ELLEN: (Laughs) I can't believe this is our first date.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I know.. How about dessert?</p>
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<p>ELLEN: I suppose I have to get a piece of cake..</p>
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<p>JERRY: Why?</p>
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<p>ELLEN: Today's my birthday.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What? Today? Really?</p>
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<p>ELLEN: Yeah.</p>
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<p>(Waiters come out with a cake, singing "Happy Birthday"
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to a woman named "Lisa" at another table. Jerry ponders
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why Ellen isn't celebrating with her friends)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So, she went out with you on a first date.. and it was
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her birthday?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah. And she picked the day!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Is she socially awkward?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, she's great! She's.. attractive, she's fun..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the
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Monday after the weekend.</p>
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<p>JERRY: She's not Lincoln.</p>
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<p>(Enter Kramer)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I'll pass.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey, George! Pizza? Yum,
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yum!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing
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high schoolers for the Susan Ross.. scholarship.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Does it ever bother you that this organization-</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Nope!</p>
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<p>JERRY: is beating the bushes-</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Nope! (Starts heading for the door)</p>
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<p>JERRY: to basically give this money away-</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Noo!</p>
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<p>JERRY: to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with it! Fi-hi-hi-hine
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I say! (Leaves)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room]</p>
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<p>STUDENT 1: And then I received a 740 on the English achievement
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test. (George looks bored)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Quick, what's your favorite animal?</p>
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<p>STUDENT 1: I.. I don't know.. frog?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Disappointed) A frog?</p>
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<p>STUDENT 1: Well, I.. I..</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Annoyed) Frog is wrong.</p>
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<p>(Cut to another student's interview)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Reading) I see here that you play the harp.. tell me,
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why do you have to tilt it? Can't you just build it on an angle?
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It'd save you a lot of trouble.</p>
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<p>STUDENT 2: Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands
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of years-</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let you know.</p>
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<p>(Cut to another student interview)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0.</p>
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<p>STUDENT 3: (Smiling gloatingly) You like that, don't you?</p>
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<p>(Cut to another student interview)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president of the chess club.</p>
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<p>STEVEN: State champs.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Who's your favorite chess player?</p>
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<p>STEVEN: (Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country is he from,
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again?</p>
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<p>STEVEN: (Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up. (Gets up to leave)
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I'm never gonna get this thing.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah, woah! What are you
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telling me for? You really had me going, there! C'mon, sit down.
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(They both sit back down)</p>
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<p>What do you want to do when you grow up?</p>
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<p>STEVEN: I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect..</p>
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<p>(George is suddenly interested)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>ELAINE: So, get this: Mister Peterman is finally letting me do
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some real writing. He's got this book deal, for his autobiography.
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He's gonna let me ghost write it.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone
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to ghost read it.</p>
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<p>(Elaine mockingly laughs at Jerry's joke. Kramer enters)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Hey!</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice
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of the fixin's bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking of garlic onto
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a pizza) and what-not.. mmm,</p>
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<p>mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the
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stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye
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back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you</p>
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<p>know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire
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Van Buren Boys!</p>
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<p>JERRY: The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President
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Martin Van Buren?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as he was! So, I make
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a move to the door, you know, (makes a noise) they block it! So,
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I lunged for the bathroom.</p>
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<p>(demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me up
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agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just
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stop.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What? What happened?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker.. Yeah.. like
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this (grabs Jerry's peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm only showing
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eight fingers.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, what does that mean?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, he was teh eighth
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President.. (Holds up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former Van
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B. Boy!</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Outside a coffee shop]</p>
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<p>ELLEN: (Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you hold on a sec? I just
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want to check my messages.. (She meets up with two of her friends
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on the way to the phone)</p>
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<p>Oh, Melissa! Kim!</p>
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<p>MELISSA: Ellen.</p>
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<p>ELLEN: Hey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry. (Gestures tward
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Jerry, then goes back to the phone)</p>
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<p>MELISSA: Ohh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially) It
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is so sweet of you to take her out.</p>
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<p>KIM: Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Sympathetically) She coming of a bad break-up?</p>
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<p>KIM: (Casually) No.</p>
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<p>MELISSA: See ya!</p>
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<p>(They walk off. Ellen hangs up, then walks over to Jerry)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Any messages?</p>
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<p>ELLEN: Yeah, no one called.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
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<p>JERRY: They act like it was some act of charity. Just going out
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with her.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone
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that they all make fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry thinks about
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this, then shakes it off)</p>
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<p>JERRY: There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may have found someone
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for the scholarship.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers..
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finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes
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sports.. watches T.V..</p>
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<p>JERRY: Is he smart?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing
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an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this: he's into architecture.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey! Just like you pretend to be.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be
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everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: J. Peterman's apartment]</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Mister Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place
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isn't quite what I imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign of Peterman's
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personality)</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: Ohhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits in his recliner)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Well, (Clears throat) what part of your life (hits the
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record button on a mini-recorder, and sets it down on the table)
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do you want to start with? Foreign</p>
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<p>intrigue? Exotic romances?</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalogue
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ad nauseum. No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day
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life.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh. </p>
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<p>PETERMAN: (Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping through the channels)
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Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again.. just when I finally
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memorized them.</p>
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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<p>ELAINE: Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to, um..</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: (Still flipping through the channels) 2.. CBS..</p>
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<p>ELAINE: get, um, started..</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: 3.. I don't know what that is.. where's my damn preview
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channel?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (After observing Peterman's home life) Well, I - I got
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ta tell you, Mister Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole book
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here.</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. What do
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you say you and I order ourselves a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place
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by the Van Buren Boys?</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: (Interested) You don't say.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Yeah. The only think that saved him is that he accidentally
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flashed their secret gang sign.</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: Well, that's pretty exciting. (Pause) Let's put that
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in the book.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: But, that didn't happen to you.</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: So, we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No, I - I really don't think you can do that.</p>
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<p>PETERMAN: (Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn. I forgot to buy
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plant food again.. I'll bet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking
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through a small coupon box)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
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<p>(Jerry's on a date with Ellen, he's desperately trying to find
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out what is wrong with her)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?</p>
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<p>ELLEN: No, this is brand new. Do you like it?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! Is that the fork
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that fell on the floor?! (Dramatically) Are you using the fork that
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fell on the floor?!</p>
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<p>ELLEN: (Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game be another one.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I guess that's all right.</p>
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<p>ELLEN: Is something wrong, Jerry?</p>
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<p>JERRY: No, absolutely nothing. (They get up to leave) You're fantastic!
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(They meet up with Kramer and George on the way out) Hey guys!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Hey.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, this is Ellen.</p>
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<p>(Kramer gives a look)</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the door, Steven is standing
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there) is Steven Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right in that
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meaty part of the curve -</p>
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<p>not showing off, not falling behind.</p>
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<p>WYCK: George, the quailifications for this scholarship were suppose
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to be.. largely academic.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized
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tests..</p>
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<p>WYCK: These aren't standardized tests - these are his grades.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He
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wants to be (pauses for effect) an architect.</p>
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<p>WYCK: Is that right?</p>
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<p>STEVEN: Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than an architect.</p>
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<p>STEVEN: I think I'd really like to be a city planner. (Sits down,
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addressing the entire foundation board) Why limit myself to just
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one building, when I can design a</p>
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<p>whole city?</p>
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<p>WYCK: Well, that's a good point.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Mutters) No, it's not.</p>
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<p>STEVEN: Well, isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with
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a tilty desk, and a big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board members)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Irritated) It's called a T-square.</p>
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<p>WYCK: You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect
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|
- after he flunked out of dental school! (Everyone but George laughs)
|
|
Contratulations,</p>
|
|
<p>young man. (Shakes Steven's hand)</p>
|
|
<p>STEVEN: Thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>WYCK: Susan would be proud of what you're doing.</p>
|
|
<p>STEVEN: Thank you.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Peterman's office]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer is selling his Van Buren Boys story to Peterman)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: And they made it their sign, because, Van Buren, our 8th
|
|
President, was the man they most admired.</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: (Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good
|
|
yarn.. (Hands Kramer a check)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You know, if you like that one, I got more.. what are you
|
|
looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks his
|
|
tongue)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, uh, Kramer. I don't think -</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: (Interrupting) How much would you take for the whole
|
|
lot?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: My whole lot?</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: Name your price, man!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Thinks) 1500 dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: I'll give you half that.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Excited) Done!</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: Kramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine) consider Elaine
|
|
at your disposal.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like to work in the
|
|
evenings.. (Elaine slumps back, and covers her head in misfortune)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Elaine's office]</p>
|
|
<p>(Elaine is growing weary of Kramer's childish antics. Kramer's
|
|
practicing putting golf balls on her office floor)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Saccamano
|
|
story?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then
|
|
and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off
|
|
to the store.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What happened to Bob Saccamano?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. (Elaine covers
|
|
her face with her hands - showing her difficulty coping with Kramer)
|
|
So I'm waiting for the</p>
|
|
<p>subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alright, well, now that's something..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I don't know if I lost track of time - or what, but
|
|
the next think I knew.. </p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Adding) A train is bearing down on you?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: No, I slipped - and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants
|
|
I was about to return.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Reflects on the story) I don't understand.. you were wearing
|
|
the pants you were returning?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, I guess I was..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Still confused) What were you gonna wear on the way back?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't even get there! (Pauses)
|
|
All right, next story..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Alright, I think I got enough for one day.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, chew on that.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting a little get-together
|
|
tonight in honor of my little financial upturn..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, thanks. I've got plans.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Elaine, you should be there to document it.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting together with
|
|
some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, but get there after nine. You know, give the poeple
|
|
a chance to loosen up.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer turns to go, but slips on a golf ball. He falls to the
|
|
ground. Elaine looks at him as if to say 'What a doofus.')</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants
|
|
to be a city planner?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's
|
|
one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh
|
|
and blood. Like my</p>
|
|
<p>father.. my father's father before him.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. (Phone rings,
|
|
he answers it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel..
|
|
we're all set for the weekend.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You're spending the weekend with Ellen?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) Vermont! (To Ellen)
|
|
With any luck, they said we could stay an extra couple of days if
|
|
we want to! (George is</p>
|
|
<p>disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They
|
|
talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait..
|
|
buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and</p>
|
|
<p>Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George
|
|
takes the phone off the hook) What is this?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (To Kramer) You want to start?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go ahead. I gotta get
|
|
my thoughts together.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. has gone far enough.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George points to Kramer
|
|
- gesturing that he's right on target)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Where is this coming from? She's great!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career?
|
|
Things will pick up.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: There's nothing wrong with my career!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Like a parent) Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive
|
|
training program for him.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I though we said we weren't going to discuss that now!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, you know, I think it's something he should consider.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Of course he should consider it, but now is not the time!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) I'm not buying any
|
|
of this!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: All right, so what're you saying? That we're wrong? Oh,
|
|
everybody's wrong but you!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy
|
|
wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Which one?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: They were all like that!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: NYC Street]</p>
|
|
<p>(George comes out of a store, he meets up with Steven Koren)</p>
|
|
<p>STEVEN: Why'd you take away my scholarship, Mister Costanza?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden, a small gang steps
|
|
out of nowhere, surrounding George)</p>
|
|
<p>STEVEN: These are my new friends - The Van Buren Boys.</p>
|
|
<p>MEMBER 1: He became so disillusioned, he had to join us.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Oh.. nice.</p>
|
|
<p>STEVEN: I want my scholarship back, so I can be a city planner.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What about architect, Steven?</p>
|
|
<p>MEMBER 1: (Moves threateningly close to George) City planner.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Cafe]</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer is having his party, Elaine is painfully sitting through
|
|
it)</p>
|
|
<p>FRIEND 1: Great party, K-man!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns to Elaine) Hey,
|
|
Elaine, try the beef - because that's realy au jus sauce, huh. (Dramatically)
|
|
Real au jus sauce!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Sourly) I'll make a note of it.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>FRIEND 1: Hey, Kramer,</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah?</p>
|
|
<p>FRIEND 1: Ramirez has never heard your pants story.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone,
|
|
and I suddenly realized that I- (Elaine stops him)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What do ya mean?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You signed the release.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: He sat in mud. Not you.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: But I did sit in mud.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: (Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in mud!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Pleading) I was all dirty!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: It ever happened! Understand?</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer's friends get restless, and beg for the rest of the story)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right! Yeah, uh, yeah.. well..
|
|
Uh, the pants. they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so I, uh, decided
|
|
I wasn't gonna return them!</p>
|
|
<p>(Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!</p>
|
|
<p>(The crowd is disappointed)</p>
|
|
<p>FRIEND 1: It's getting late. Maybe we better get going. (They all
|
|
get up to leave)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah! I don't.. (watches
|
|
his friends leave)</p>
|
|
<p>(Enter George)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big trouble with the -
|
|
with the Van Buren Boys.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, now, they're tough cookies.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their good side. Now,
|
|
what'd you do?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and realizes he can't tell
|
|
the Van Buren Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing.. No, I certainly
|
|
don't have any stories, if that's</p>
|
|
<p>what you're implying. (Laughs heartily)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those guys are gonna
|
|
do to me?!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't hear from me,
|
|
but, uh, the Van Buren Boys - they never hassle their own kind.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You mean, like, a former member?</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer nods his head while drinking from a mug of beer)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs through them)
|
|
I mean, some of them aren't even stories! (Holds one out) Look,
|
|
this is a list of things in his</p>
|
|
<p>apartment!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Is my toaster oven on there?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: How am I ever gonna turn this into a book?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, just shape them - change them. You're a writer.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yes! I'm a writer.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Make them interesting.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Interesting! Of course! People love interesting writing!</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry reacts oddly, as if to say 'That's enough of that!')</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: What? Wheren't they just here?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. I don't know where
|
|
to turn! I gotta see what they think of her.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Maybe we could all have dinner later?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right
|
|
back tonight.</p>
|
|
<p>(Enter Kramer)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're
|
|
gonna love this story! (Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my
|
|
cold cuts on the couch</p>
|
|
<p>next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into
|
|
my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Kramer, this is awful! We don't want to hear about this!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Damn!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman - but
|
|
they all stink!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: How much did you pay for them?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off! (Leaves, yelling
|
|
out "Newman!")</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Peterman's office]</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, what didn't you like about the first chapter?</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: Well, it started out nicely: "I'm returning some
|
|
pants." A very identifiable problem.. (turns page) "I
|
|
set of down a train tunnel.".. (turns page) But that's</p>
|
|
<p>where the story takes a most unappealing turn.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting! Don't you
|
|
see? The - the train is bearing down on you, you - you dive into
|
|
a side tunnel - and you run into a</p>
|
|
<p>whole band of underground tunnel dwellers!</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: It just seems so cliched, and obvious. It's not interesting
|
|
writing.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about if, instead of.. diving
|
|
from the train, you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip and, and fall
|
|
in some mud, and.. ruin your</p>
|
|
<p>pants?</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: (Intrigued) The very pants I was returning. That's perfect
|
|
irony! Elaine, that is interesting writing! (The intercom beeps)</p>
|
|
<p>SECRETARY: I have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4.</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: (Picks up the phone) Peterman, here.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back!</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: You want to know something? I no longer need them!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we keep them - as a,
|
|
as a reference?</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: Nonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes' woderfully imaginative
|
|
mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yippie-yi-yay!</p>
|
|
<p>PETERMAN: (Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go forth, and create.
|
|
(Elaine gets up to leave) And, by the way, when you get to that
|
|
chapter about my romantic</p>
|
|
<p>escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: NYC Street]</p>
|
|
<p>(George meets up with the Van Buren Boys again)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Hey, Van B. Boys.</p>
|
|
<p>STEVEN: So, Mister Costanza, did you get my scholarship back?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't want to beat up
|
|
on one of your own.</p>
|
|
<p>MEMBER 2: Is that right? Then why don't you flash us the sign?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes a series of stupid
|
|
gestures)</p>
|
|
<p>STEVEN: That's not the sign.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Defensively loud) It was when I was banging!</p>
|
|
<p>MEMBER 2: All right, if you really are one of us.. let's see you
|
|
take the wallet off the next guy who walks by.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then winces under the pain)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
|
|
<p>ELLEN: And after college, I got my masters at the Sorbonne.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Sorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's in Paris.</p>
|
|
<p>ELLEN: (Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're parking meter's about
|
|
to expire. Don't get up, I've got change. (Leaves with her purse)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (To his parents) So? What do you think?</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Jerry, she's fantastic.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I knew it! I'm not crazy.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: She's so sweet, and she's got some body on her!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: And smart! Like a computer!</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: And so much personality! But, it doesn't matter what we
|
|
think. Do you like her?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (After seeing how much his parents like her) Now, I'm not
|
|
so sure.</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: Well, she's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that
|
|
you were with.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back from Vegas..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: NYC Alley]</p>
|
|
<p>MEMBER 2: The next one, or you're meat!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the sidewalk. The Seinfelds
|
|
walk by) Seinfelds!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Hey, George!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. Give me your wallet.
|
|
I'll give it back to you later.</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: How're your folks?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Eh, they're trying to pick out a new couch - you don't
|
|
want to know. (Remembering the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me
|
|
your wallet, or I'll spill your</p>
|
|
<p>guts right here on the street!</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: What did you say?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal!</p>
|
|
<p>HELEN: You're being very rude. Come on, Morty.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna hit me! (Attempts
|
|
to grab Helen's purse, she starts hitting George defensively, he
|
|
backs off)</p>
|
|
<p>MORTY: Tell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They leave)</p>
|
|
<p>(The Van Buren Boys come out of the alley, George holds up his
|
|
hand in a "stop" gesture - then takes off running down
|
|
the street, screaming. The Van Buren Boys</p>
|
|
<p>chase him)</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
|
|
<p>
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<li><a href="#">Search in site</a></li>
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<form action="http://seinfeldscripts.com/search.html" id="cse-search-box">
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<div>
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<input type="hidden" name="cx" value="partner-pub-4355410371465348:0292184103" />
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<input type="hidden" name="cof" value="FORID:10" />
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<input type="hidden" name="ie" value="UTF-8" />
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<input type="text" name="q" size="20" />
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<input type="submit" name="sa" value="Search" />
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</div>
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</form>
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</ul>
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<p><a href="#" target="_top"></a><br /></p>
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<p> </p>
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</div>
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<script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.google.com/cse/brand?form=cse-search-box&lang=en"></script>
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<script type="text/javascript"><!--
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google_ad_client = "ca-pub-4355410371465348";
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/* html-nav_bar-tower */
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google_ad_slot = "3170809384";
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google_ad_width = 160;
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google_ad_height = 600;
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//-->
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</script>
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<script type='text/javascript'>
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if (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX") {
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document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
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}
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</script>
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<p ></p>
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<!-- InstanceBeginEditable name="bottomrightnav" -->
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<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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<script type="text/javascript">
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var pageHeight = document.documentElement.scrollHeight;
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var bannerSize = 2300;
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var headHeight = (pageType!="HOME" && pageType!="CHARACTERS" && pageType!="SCRIPTSINDEX")?1500:900; // in these pages there is no google adsense block below the navigation
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var bannerRepeat = (pageHeight > (headHeight + 1500))?Math.ceil((pageHeight - headHeight) / 2300):0;
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if (pageType!="SALE" ){
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if (bannerRepeat > 0) {
|
|
for (i=1;i<=bannerRepeat;i++) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBanner" + i + "\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeld-Tshirt-banner-160x2300.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"2300\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
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}
|
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} else if (pageHeight > (headHeight + 300) ) {
|
|
document.write("<a href=\"http://www.shareasale.com/r.cfm?u=439896\&b=119192\&m=16934\&afftrack=seinfeldSideBannerShort\&urllink=search%2E80stees%2Ecom%2Fsearch%3Fpage%3D1%26q%3Dseinfeld%26type%3Dproduct\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"extlink\"><img src=\"images/seinfeldTbanner-160x800.jpg\" align=\"center\" width=\"160\" height=\"800\" alt=\"Best Seinfeld T-shirts\" border=\"0\" /></a>");
|
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}
|
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}
|
|
</script>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<script language="JavaScript1.2" type="text/javascript">
|
|
<!--
|
|
function noSpam(user,domain) {
|
|
locationstring = "mailto:" + user + "@" + domain;
|
|
window.location = locationstring;
|
|
}
|
|
-->
|
|
</script>
|
|
<div class="footer">
|
|
<p><a href="episodes_oveview.html">Episodes Overview</a> | <a href="seinfeld-scripts.html">Scripts</a> | <a href="javascript:noSpam('doctoroidsweb','gmail.com')">Contact</a></p>
|
|
<p>Copyright 2002-2011 SeinfeldScripts.com</p>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</div>
|
|
<!-- Kontera ContentLink(TM);-->
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
var dc_AdLinkColor = 'blue' ;
|
|
var dc_PublisherID = 141705 ;
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type='text/javascript'>
|
|
if (pageType=="CONTENT") {
|
|
document.write('<script type="text/javascript" src="http://kona.kontera.com/javascript/lib/KonaLibInline.js"></scr' + 'ipt>');
|
|
}
|
|
</script>
|
|
<script type="text/javascript">
|
|
var _gaq = _gaq || [];
|
|
_gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-16472669-1']);
|
|
_gaq.push(['_trackPageview']);
|
|
(function() {
|
|
var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true;
|
|
ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js';
|
|
var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s);
|
|
})();
|
|
</script></body>
|
|
<!-- InstanceEnd --></html>
|