739 lines
41 KiB
HTML
739 lines
41 KiB
HTML
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<h1>The Apartment </h1>
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<p>Written by: Peter Mehlman</p>
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<p>Directed by: Tom Cherones</p>
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<p>Broadcasted: April 4, 1991 for the first time.</p>
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<p>Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, </p>
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<p>Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Tony Plana (as Manny), and
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Glenn</p>
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<p>Shadix (as Harold).</p>
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<p> </p>
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<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in
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this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it
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kinda gets me down. I look around,</p>
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<p>and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize
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it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It keeps
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coming in and coming in. Everytime I</p>
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<p>paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall
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outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots
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in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to</p>
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<p>push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in..
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My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship
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Enterprise. You know what</p>
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<p>I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star
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Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through
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space in your living room, watching</p>
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<p>TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because
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Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday
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night, Klingon boxing.. gotta be</p>
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<p>there.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
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<p>(Jerry and Elaine are looking at Kramer with their arms folded.
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His hair is slicked down)</p>
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<p>JERRY: What did you do?</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Mousse. I moussed up.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I guess it was just a matter of time.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel
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like I had two lives. My pre-mousse and now, I begin my post-mousse.
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Hey, tell me the truth,</p>
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<p>have you ever seen a better looking guy?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, look, its so subjective.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: I don't mean to interrupt or anything, but on Sunday, my
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friend is having a brunch for the New York Marathon.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, I keep forgetting to enter that.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: She lives right above First Avenue, and says she has a
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perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Maybe.</p>
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<p>(A loud argument erupts in the hallway between Harold and Manny,
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the building supervisors)</p>
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<p>HAROLD: No, I'm not going up there. (Manny screams out something
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in Spanish)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Harold and Manny.</p>
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<p>HAROLD: I'm not going. (Manny says something in Spanish, Jerry
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goes out into the hall)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Boys, boys.</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Oh, Jerry.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Yeah, yeah.. (Joking) Hey, Jerry, would you like anything
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from Mrs. Hudwalker's apartment? (Manny starts yelling at Harold
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in Spanish) I was only</p>
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<p>joking. (To Jerry) He thinks I'm going to give you Mrs. Hudwalker's
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things. (Manny starts talking in Spanish) We have to go up there
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now and clean the apartment.</p>
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<p>It's a good thing her rent was overdue. She'd be rotting up there
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for a month.</p>
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<p>JERRY: She died? ..Mrs. Hudwalker died?</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Ninety-four years old. I found her yesterday. She didn't
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have a wig on. It was horrifying.</p>
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<p>MANNY: Harold, (In Spanish) Come on, hurry up!</p>
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<p>HAROLD: (To Manny) What's the matter with you?! I'm talking. So,
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Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine?</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Oh yeah, I like her. She always says "hello"
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to me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: It's not promised to anybody? 'Cause she would take it in
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a second.</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Well, Manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported.
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(Manny starts protesting in Spanish) What's the difference? It's
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true.</p>
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<p>JERRY: So, it's okay? I could just tell her she can have it?</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Sure, sure. She's getting a bargain, too. It's only four
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hundred dollars a month. (Manny yells in Spanish) Okay.. (Manny
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keeps talking in Spanish) Okay.</p>
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<p>(Jerry goes back to his apartment, passing Kramer on the way)</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Talking about his hair) Hey, Harold, what do you think?</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Manny, look, Kramer put mousse in his hair.</p>
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<p>MANNY: (In Spanish) It looks worse.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: (Not knowing what Manny said) Thanks.</p>
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<p>(Jerry enters his apartment)</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What was that all about?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, nothing important.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: What's going on? What is that look?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What look? Nothing.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Something's going on here.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I don't know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting
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is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down..
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I can't decide.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? C'mon.
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Cough it up.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am - rarely ever thinking
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of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those
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close to me. Sure, it hurts</p>
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<p>sometimes - to give, and give, and give..</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Would you please?</p>
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<p>JERRY: What would you say if I told you that..</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Told me what?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: ..I got you an apartment in this building.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Dumbfounded) No.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You didn't.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I did.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: You got me an apartment in the building?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: I got you an apartment in the building.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: How did you..</p>
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<p>JERRY: Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman
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who lived above me?</p>
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<p>ELAINE: No.</p>
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<p>JERRY: She died.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: (Thrilled) She died?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: She died.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: She died!</p>
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<p>JERRY: And the rent's only four hundred dollars a month!</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Get out! (Pushes Jerry, he stumbles back) Four hundred
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a month? Only four hundred a month?!</p>
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<p>JERRY: Four hundred a month.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: And I'll be right upstairs?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Right upstairs.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Right above you?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Right above me.</p>
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<p>ELAINE: Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all the time!</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Suddenly having second thoughts) All the time..</p>
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<p>ELAINE: We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this
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is going to be great!</p>
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<p>JERRY: ..All the time..</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
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<p>JERRY: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying
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the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like
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you're always making a movie.</p>
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<p>You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole
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shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could
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take back. You're out</p>
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<p>somewhere with people, "Gee, you look pregnant.. are ya?"
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"Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, that's not gonna work at all. Walk
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out the door, and come back in. Let's take</p>
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<p>this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!"</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Coffee shop]</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Pays his bill) Thanks, see ya later, Donna. (Walks out,
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he runs into Jerry outside the shop) What happened to you?</p>
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<p>JERRY: You can't believe what I just did.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What? What did you do?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I could tell you what I did, but you wouldn't believe it.
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It's not believable.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: What did you do?</p>
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<p>JERRY: How could I have done that?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Done what?</p>
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<p>JERRY: I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building.
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She's going to move in.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Elaine's moving into your building?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes. Right above me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Right above you?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yes.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're gonna be neighbors.</p>
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<p>JERRY: I know. Neighbors.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: She's right above you?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Right above me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: How could you do that?</p>
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<p>JERRY: 'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but
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with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking
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to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?</p>
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<p>JERRY: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I
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come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat
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burglar.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at
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women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget
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<!-- BeginAd01 --><!-- EndAd -->
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about the home bed</p>
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<p>advantage.</p>
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<p>JERRY: But I need the home bed advantage!</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Of course, we all do.</p>
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<p>JERRY: (Gesturing to the coffee shop) Come in for two minutes and
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sit with me.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I was just in there. It's embarrassing.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Oh, who's gonna know?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: They saw me walk out.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Two minutes.</p>
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<p>(Scene cuts to Jerry and George in the coffee shop)</p>
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<p>JERRY: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy
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in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't
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make a mistake? He went</p>
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<p>for a cup of coffee, and in that second - ruined my life.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic.
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Emotionally exhausted.</p>
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<p>JERRY: ..So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Tough.</p>
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<p>JERRY: You know, the water pressure's terrible in my building..
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and she loves a good shower.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because
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of a weak shower spray.</p>
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<p>JERRY: If they were fanatic about showers, they might.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if
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she had to..</p>
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<p>JERRY: Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting,
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coffee shop corned beef hash. Isn't that child abuse?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'd like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date
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first.. remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, the guy with the flat head?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: He's a cube.. anyway, he got married six months ago. he
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told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have
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been coming on to him</p>
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<p>everywhere he goes.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: (Joking) I wonder if that's really true.</p>
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<p>JERRY: That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You
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know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you.</p>
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<p>(Scene ends)</p>
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<p>[Setting: Apartment buliding hallway]</p>
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<p>(George is trying on a wedding band)</p>
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<p>GEORGE: Thanks a lot. I"ll give it back to you in a week.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: You know, I don't even know why you're fooling around with
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this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a
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piece.</p>
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<p>GEORGE: I'm not doing that.</p>
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<p>KRAMER: Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking
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guy. What do you want to walk around like that for?</p>
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<p>GEORGE: No, I'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you.</p>
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<p>(Manny and Harold are arguing again from down the hall)</p>
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<p>HAROLD: I told you I don't like these sponges, they're too small!
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I want a big sponge! (Manny yells) You can't pick up anything with
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these! There's no absorption!</p>
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<p>(Manny yells in Spanish, Jerry exits his apartment)</p>
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<p>JERRY: Boys, boys.</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Hi, Jerry.</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Hello, Jerry. (Says something in Spanish to Harold)</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Okay.. your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry.</p>
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<p>JERRY: What?</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Because somebody offered Manny five thousand dollars for
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the apartment. I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it. (Manny
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yells) Because it's true!</p>
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<p>Why shouldn't I tell him?</p>
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<p>JERRY: Hey, hey. I understand. You're businessmen. (Manny talks
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in Spanish)</p>
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<p>HAROLD: Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand
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dollars, we'll give it to her.</p>
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<p>JERRY: Well, that's a lot of money. But, if that's the way it's
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gotta be, that's the way it's gotta be. (Goes back to his apartment)
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You know, I used to think that the</p>
|
|
<p>universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events,
|
|
but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: What happened to you?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because,
|
|
I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum
|
|
of five thousand dollars to get the</p>
|
|
<p>apartment upstairs.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have five thousand dollars!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So, she can't get the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Can't get it.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: So, she doesn't move in.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No move. So, you see, it's all part of a divine plan.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: And how does the baldness fit into that plan?</p>
|
|
<p>(The intercom buzzes)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Into the intercom) Elaine?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Yeah.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Unlocks the main door. To George) Alright, this is going
|
|
to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed.
|
|
You're going to really see</p>
|
|
<p>me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this.. maybe you should
|
|
go in the other room.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole
|
|
life is a sham!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: 'Cause you know, I love Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Of course you do.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: But you know.. not in the building. Really, I feel terrible
|
|
about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me..</p>
|
|
<p>(Enter Elaine) ELAINE: (To someone in the hallway) No, I'll be
|
|
seeing you. (Starts to sing) "Good morning, good morning.."
|
|
Have you ever gotten up in the morning</p>
|
|
<p>and felt it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of
|
|
sweet life from above? (George leaves, and goes to the other room)
|
|
Oh, and before I forget, I have the</p>
|
|
<p>checks for first month, last month, security deposit. I have seventy-five
|
|
dollars left in my account.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Looks at the checks) Well.. there's a little bit of a problem.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, I know. I've already
|
|
thought about it, and I'm switching to baths. As Winston Churchill
|
|
said, "Why stand when</p>
|
|
<p>you can sit?" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies..</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the
|
|
apartment. I'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you, but you'd
|
|
have to come up with that</p>
|
|
<p>money.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Five thousand dollars? I don't have five thousand dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: How am I going to get five thousand dollars?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I have no idea.</p>
|
|
<p>(Enter Kramer)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Hey, my new neighbor!</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'm not moving in.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: They want five thousand dollars now.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: So, okay. What's the problem?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't have five thousand dollars.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: C'mon, you can come up with five thousand dollars.. Jerry,
|
|
you don't have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, well, I didn't.. Is that something you want to borrow?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: No, that's too much money to borrow.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Loan her the money. You can afford it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: She doesn't want to borrow the money.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Oh, c'mon. She'll pay you back. What's five grand between
|
|
friends?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Of course I'd pay you back..</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Yeah, so what's the problem?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Who said there's a problem?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: He said he'd loan you the money.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Well Jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back.
|
|
Maybe a few years. How do you feel about that?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: That's okay. He doesn't care.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: You know, money can sometimes come between friends.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Get outta here.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Let me think about it.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: What's to think about?</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I don't know.. I don't know. Five thousand.. let me just
|
|
take one more look at it. (Leaves)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand..
|
|
Where's she gonna get five thousand? She doesn't have five thousand.
|
|
Clean. Good bye.</p>
|
|
<p>She's gone. Then you come in, "Why don't you loan her five
|
|
thousand? What do you care? You've got five thousand. Give her five
|
|
thousand."</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: You didn't want her in the building?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: No, I didn't!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for?
|
|
Oh, look, maybe she won't take it.. I mean, she did say that she
|
|
was going to think about it.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from
|
|
the animals.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I still don't understand what the problem is having her
|
|
in the building.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Let me explain something to you.. You see, you're not normal.
|
|
You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other
|
|
hand, am a human being. I</p>
|
|
<p>sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain
|
|
situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Because I'm a pod?</p>
|
|
<p>(George returns for Jerry's bedroom just as Elaine returns)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: I'll take it!</p>
|
|
<p>(George turns on his heels, and goes back into Jerry's room)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Roxanne's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Guests are milling around, eating. Elaine enters with Jerry and
|
|
George. Roxanne greets them)</p>
|
|
<p>ROXANNE: Hi, Elaine..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends.
|
|
This is George, and this is Jerry. (They exchange greetings) Jerry's
|
|
the one who got me my new</p>
|
|
<p>apartment!</p>
|
|
<p>ROXANNE: So, you're Elaine's hero.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Yeah, it's my life's work.</p>
|
|
<p>ROXANNE: There are so few true heros left in this world. (Jerry's
|
|
attracted to Roxanne, Elaine notices)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Showing off his wedding band) Yeah, my wife couldn't make
|
|
it today. She's got some thing with her mother.. Who know's what
|
|
going on with her. Don't</p>
|
|
<p>let any one kid you, it's tough. (Goes off to mingle)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Well, better load up on some carbos before the race. (Starts
|
|
selecting food from the tables)</p>
|
|
<p>ROXANNE: Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, yes. Particularily if your not in it.</p>
|
|
<p>ROXANNE: I wish we had a view of the finish line.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and
|
|
twenty thousand losers.</p>
|
|
<p>(Roxanne makes a face, Scene guts to George. He's standing next
|
|
to an attractive woman)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: ..Yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today.
|
|
I'm tellin' ya, it's one thing after another.</p>
|
|
<!-- BeginAd02 --><!-- EndAd -->
|
|
<p>RITA: Is she here?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: No, she's working.</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: What does she do?</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: She's an.. entymologist - you know, bees, flies, gnats.
|
|
What about you?</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: I work for the Director of Madison Square Garden. It's great!
|
|
I can get free tickets to any sporting even in New York. (George
|
|
is stunned) Anyway, she's a</p>
|
|
<p>very luck woman.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: But.. (She leaves, George is standing there)</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to an entering man and woman)</p>
|
|
<p>ROXANNE: Hi Stan. Joanne.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. They're in my
|
|
short story class with Roxanne and me. Hey, Jerry just got me a
|
|
great apartment in his building!</p>
|
|
<p>JOANNE: Well, Jerry, it'll be nice having a close friend nearby?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Fantastic..</p>
|
|
<p>STAN: She can pop in whenever she wants.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I know.</p>
|
|
<p>JOANNE: She doesn't even need to knock!</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's tremendous.</p>
|
|
<p>STAN: Anytime of day.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm in heaven.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Oh, Rita come here. This is Jerry. He's the one who got
|
|
me the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: Oh, Hi. (Calling to someone) bob, this is the guy who got
|
|
Elaine the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to George)</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal about being a matador.
|
|
The bull charges, you move the cape, wha't so hard? (The both laugh
|
|
flirtingly)</p>
|
|
<p>SUSIE: So, are you really married? Because, I've actually heard
|
|
of single guys who wear wedding bands to attrack women.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: You'd have to be a real loser to try something like that.</p>
|
|
<p>SUSIE: That's too bad, because I really have a thing for bald guys
|
|
with glasses. (Shrugs, smiles, then leaves George)</p>
|
|
<p>RITA: Hey everybody! Here come the runners!</p>
|
|
<p>(Everyone runs to the windows. Jerry and Elaine stay put)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Oh, I wouldn't quite say that.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to
|
|
her.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I'm a guy.. it always looks like that.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Because, I was thinking.. are you at all concerned that
|
|
living in the same building will, y'kno.. cramp our styles?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Na..</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Because, I was worried that there might be a situation
|
|
in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little
|
|
uncomfortable. But - as long as</p>
|
|
<p>you're okay with it, it's fine with me.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene cuts to George)</p>
|
|
<p>JANICE: I've never been able to be with just one person. I can,
|
|
however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last
|
|
for years and years. It's a shame</p>
|
|
<p>you're married..</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: (Frantically tries to take the ring off) I'm not. It's
|
|
just a sociological experiment!</p>
|
|
<p>JANICE: Please.. (Walks away)</p>
|
|
<p>(Jerry walks over to George)</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You have no idea what an idiot it. Elaine just gave me a
|
|
chance to get out and I didn't take it. (Points to himself) This
|
|
is an idiot.</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: Is that right? (Showing him up) I just threw away a lifetime
|
|
of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison
|
|
Square Garden. So please,</p>
|
|
<p>a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots!</p>
|
|
<p>ROXANNE: (Yelling out the window) You're all winners!</p>
|
|
<p>GEORGE: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged..</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: (Into the phone) George, I didn't sleep at all last night..
|
|
I decided I have to tell her.. I'm just going to be honest. That's
|
|
all.. Yes, I'm nervous.. Are you</p>
|
|
<p>listening to me? Just put some soap on your finger.. it'll slide
|
|
right off.. Then try axle grease. (Kramer enters) I'll call you
|
|
back after I talk to her. Bye.</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, it's all taken care of. Everything's cool.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What? What's cool?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Elaine.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: What are you talking about?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: I just found a guy who's willing to pay ten thousand dollars
|
|
for the apartment.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: You what?! Get out! Ten thousand?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Nods) Cash.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Who would pay that much?</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: He's in the music business.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Hugs Kramer,
|
|
then grabs him by the cheeks) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful!
|
|
I think I'm in the clear</p>
|
|
<p>here. Elaine's not moving in! I don't have to confront her! She
|
|
has no idea I never wanted her to move in.. I"m golden!</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Jerry's apartment]</p>
|
|
<p>(Harold and Manny are in Jerry's apartment. A pulsing music is
|
|
coming through the walls)</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Wow. You're right. That is loud.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: It's just unbelievable.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: They rehearse all the time?</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: All the time. I've been up there six times. They refuse
|
|
to stop. I can't live like this. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
|
|
I'm heading for breakdown! (To Harold)</p>
|
|
<p>Can't you do something?</p>
|
|
<p>HAROLD: I'm not going up. It stinks up there.</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: Manny..</p>
|
|
<p>MANNY: (In Spanish) They're allowed to play until eleven o' clock.</p>
|
|
<p>HAROLD: I'm not the one who said eleven o' clock. He makes up his
|
|
own rules.</p>
|
|
<p>ELAINE: Boy, too bad. If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep
|
|
out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse.</p>
|
|
<p>(Kramer enters)</p>
|
|
<p>KRAMER: (Talking about the music) Oh, I love the one they do right
|
|
after this one!</p>
|
|
<p>(Scene ends)</p>
|
|
<p>[Setting: Night club]</p>
|
|
<p>JERRY: I don't know. What do you do when a neighbor is making,
|
|
like, a lot of noise at three o' clock in the morning? I mean, can
|
|
you knock on someone's door</p>
|
|
<p>and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole
|
|
self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening
|
|
to me? Can I do this? Am I a</p>
|
|
<p>shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going
|
|
on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh..shh.... shhh...
|
|
shhh.. Doesn't work, 'cause</p>
|
|
<p>nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh.
|
|
"Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me."
|
|
Some people you can't shush in a movie</p>
|
|
<p>theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it.
|
|
They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing
|
|
them, and shushing them. They won't</p>
|
|
<p>shush. They're the unshushables.</p>
|
|
<p> </p>
|
|
<p>END OF SHOW.</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
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